Unseen Terror 2016: Day 28

High school students around the town of Mill Basin are heavily promoting the debut live shows of an upcoming heavy metal act called Black Roses. The group has gained an infamous reputation for their confrontational lyrics, and accusations from flustered parents are running rampant that they may have ties to darker forces. Still, the town's mayor says that making a decision to cancel any concerts is beyond his control, as it was the institution itself who approved of the decision to hold these events. Once the evening of the first gig sets in, the youth of Mill Basin are exposed to the true power of rock and roll: they relish and party enthusiastically to the plethora of tunes pouring out of the speakers. Ironically enough, however, what is often accused and labeled as being "the devil's music" could be just that, as the kids learn that these tracks could serve as a powerful tool for conjuring demons!



As if it wasn't blatantly obvious, heavy metal and horror films go together like chicken and waffles: you would never imagine that the pairing would work until you try it out. They both have ties to the darker sides of humanity, were often born out of frustration with the creators' surroundings and upbringing, and frequently confront issues that we may not be comfortable with discussing. So, after hearing of 1988's Black Roses, which pairs two of my longest-running loves that I will most likely never tire of (shoutout to Watercooler Films for the suggestion by the way!), I felt that this was a necessity. Plus, remembering how much I enjoyed the random blind buy known as Suck was an extra incentive, so this felt like a no-brainer.


If you are a first time reader of Unseen Terror, then I must apologize in advance, as this review will likely contain some foul language not suitable for those who are rather young or quite sensitive. But, there is no other way to construct the following statement: Black Roses fucking rules. Managing to seamlessly blend the best of B-movie horror and gleefully silly over-the-top horror-comedies, the entire experience is so earnest that you can't help but fall for it. True, if you read the plot description above, it does sound dumb, but if you've gone this far during my marathon(s), then you should know that this is considered to be quite normal in comparison to other projects with larger budgets. Plus, those pictures don't feature music legend Carmine Appice (Vanilla Fudge, Ozzy Osbourne, Rod Stewart) as a demonic drummer, do they?


There is a fear that one would feel once they hit 'play' on their copy of Black Roses, which is the concern that the movie is anti-heavy metal propaganda. After all, the lead character (portrayed by The Young and the Restless veteran John Martin) is a concerned English teacher, who despite his very cool and welcoming demeanor, doesn't exactly seem like the type to be caught listening to any heavier music. His students end up turning into apathetic, violent, or just plain monstrous beings once they are exposed to the tunes of the titular band, and Mill Basin's version of the notorious pro-censorship group the PMRC is viewed as paranoid and anciently out of touch. Honestly though, I just didn't see there being any warnings related to heavy metal being dangerous. In fact, most of the flick seems to have more in common with a piece like Trick or Treat, which I always felt was making fun of the "metal is evil" sentiment, or even so-bad-they're-good pieces of exploitation like Reefer Madness, though this is obviously not taking itself as serious as the latter was. And when you consider that director John Fasano also sat in the main chair for the love letter to the genre(s) known as underground hit Rock 'n' Roll Nightmare, do you really believe that he would suddenly pull a 180 a mere year later?


Anyway, if I can get back on topic, one of Black Roses' defining traits is how everybody in the cast and crew is totally on board with the material and concept. Though the list of performers as a whole are quite exceptional, the aforementioned Martin steals the show. Not just sporting a killer mustache, the man also displays a great willingness to play along and relish every time that he gets to interact with something out of the ordinary. There's also an all-too-brief appearance from Vincent Pastore (yes, Big Pussy from The Sopranos) as an irritable father who fights a demon that attempts to drag him into a speaker-vortex. No, you didn't read that wrong, but trust me when I say that it is just fabulous. Julie Adams (Creature from the Black Lagoon) also shows up as one of the crankier elders who just doesn't seem to understand why the kids love this rock and/or roll, though it admittedly took me a second or two to recognize her face. She's more defined-looking than some of Black Roses' effects though. For as much praising as I am raining down upon this film, it does unfortunately suffer from some rather bad makeup and beast designs, but it is very possible that a good chunk of the production cost went to securing some of the bands needed for the soundtrack. That, or they just didn't have many great ideas to begin with. Still, it doesn't detract from the overall fun factor, and I'll gladly take watching someone swat at a long-necked monster with a tennis racket at any opportunity.


Even with minor flaws such as a weak ending and a somewhat disappointing final ten minutes, Black Roses is a ton of fun. I get true joy from discovering hidden gems buried beneath various piles of dirty pebbles, and this horror-metal hybrid shines rather brightly with delicious amounts of cheese, charm, and a killer soundtrack to boot (if you aren't humming a single one of these songs after everything has wrapped up, you aren't paying attention). It's a god damn shame that this obscure motion picture is sitting at such a low rating on various websites such as IMDb, though hopefully it will receive further praise down the line by someone in the realm of pop culture with a bit more pull. I can only hope that such high-level admiration skyrockets it into getting a proper Blu-Ray release. Still, a standard DVD version of Black Roses is readily available for streaming and purchase online.



And at the very least, I can guarantee you that it's infinitely better than the Mark Wahlberg vehicle known as Rock Star. Because that movie is pure bollocks.




Tomorrow, we venture off to the theater again, as I take a LONG overdue trip to the coldest regions of the world. Why go there you may ask? Well, I have to pay respect to my elders, do I not?

Unseen Terror 2016: Day 26 & Day 27

Well, we're getting down to the nitty gritty of this year's Unseen Terror, and I won't mince words when I say that I am a tad bit drained (both mentally and physically). Still, no rest for the wicked right? Speaking of that, let us venture into the familiar realm of the sadly-departed Wes Craven, shall we?

Day 26 was kicked off by what I would refer to as one of the director's "transitional" projects. Released four years after breakout hit The Hills Have Eyes, but only three years prior to our first interaction with a particular claw-adjourned psycho, 1981's Deadly Blessing is an odd little picture. The plot concerns a widow who is still mourning the loss of her husband, as he was killed under mysterious circumstances via a tractor pinning and crushing him against a wall (happens all the time). At his funeral, she notices the members of his old religious community mourning him from afar. When the woman's friends arrive to check up on her, a series of strange events begin to occur, and they start to wonder if these previously-seen individuals have diabolical plans for the lot of them.


Though it's the furthest thing from a completely original concept, the initial storyline for Deadly Blessing had me intrigued. After all, there is far more to fear when it comes to the influence of organized religion than with any boogeyman or unnatural creature. There's always a good opportunity to craft a movie with a sense of dread, intrigue, and atmosphere. Hell, the masterful gentleman was even smart enough to bring back Eyes character actor Michael Berryman in a small role, and the distinguishable-looking Ernest Borgnine as a memorable, bearded leader of the not-quite-Amish folks who frequently view the widow as an "Incubus." Finally, there's a young Sharon Stone (Basic Instinct, Casino), who at the rather young age of twenty-three, willingly allowed a real spider to be dropped into her open mouth. Hey, it can only go uphill for you from there hon.


So, with all of that working in the film's favor, does it amount to a good experience? Unfortunately, I would have to say that it does not. The ideas of exploring the evils of cults and digging deep within a secluded society of those who adhere to a strict set of rules is fine. As mentioned above, given the time period when this came out, it feels as though Craven was just sort of trying to go for a different approach to horror after being (unfairly) dismissed as a director who dealt exclusively in nasty motion pictures that appealed to only the most sadistic of viewers. But my goodness, does Deadly Blessing drag. A lot. Playing out more like a darker mystery or suspense flick rather than a traditional scary one, it feels disappointingly restrained, mostly uneventful, and quite tame (save for the rather insane final twenty-something minutes).


Deadly Blessing just never really feels like it lives up to its own potential. As blasphemous as this may sound, I think that if the decision were made to remake this, I would be the furthest thing from upset. All of the little flaws scattered throughout and the frequently sluggish pace can be easily fixed if it is put into the hands of competent filmmakers (someone like an Adam Wingard or Ti West could probably knock this out of the park). Still, if you are a Craven collector, and haven't let my negative words discourage your interest, there is a Blu-Ray available from reputable distributor Scream! Factory, and it is available to watch on the Amazon Prime streaming service.



And when you consider that this looks no different from a made-for-TV presentation, I don't see any way that the picture quality or restroration on an actual disc format doesn't look infinitely better in comparison.




Hmm, sounds like I could use a picker-upper though, right? Let's take a gander and see what's out there....

...............................................................nah.

To absolutely no one's surprise, I am cheating again (cue Eddie Guerrero jokes) for Day 27's entry. I have watched Wes Craven's return to the essential positions of the franchise he helped spawn (a feat that even he never suspected would, or should have happened) on more than a few occasions. Bluntly and brilliantly-titled Wes Craven's New Nightmare, the movie was a much needed return to form for not just the distinguished writer/director himself, but for the iconic Freddy Krueger as well. Despite my enjoyment of the various sequels that preceded this, there was no arguing that the Nightmare on Elm Street series had degenerated into a bit too much camp and not enough genuine intensity or horror. And yet, considering that the sixth sequel to the 1984 classic has more than a few of its original cast members returning, it is a non-canonical movie.


In an attempt to breathe some new life into the (then) rotting corpse of the maligned slasher genre, studio head Bob Shaye contacted Craven, asking that he return to the big man's chair and somehow find a way to bring Freddy Krueger back to life. Yes, fictional serial killers have escaped death multiple times throughout the years, but film distributors New Line Cinema had said themselves that there would be no continuation in this franchise after a fitting, titular conclusion was released to theaters in 1991. Unsurprisingly, Wes was not interested in concocting some absurd premise behind the dream master's resurrection. Instead, a very ballsy idea was put from pen to screen: we were going to bear witness to what folks would classify as a "meta" picture. True, this type of practice was not completely uncommon (1985's Return of the Living Dead also toyed with the possibilities), but given that previous outings had included sequences wherein victims were transformed into pizza toppings or shoved headfirst into a television, this could be harder to pull off than one would think.


The story for New Nightmare begins with Heather Langenkamp, the star of the original 1984 picture, having graphic, horrific nightmares that deal with mishaps on the set of a new Elm Street flick. Even stranger is the constant harassment that she has been receiving from a fan through the mail and over the phone, who constantly spouts quotes from the series' antagonist (which the actress had dealt with in real life). It also seems to reflect onto her own son Dylan (Pet Sematary's Miko Hughes), as he has been dealing with issues of his own that are related to sleepwalking and traumatizing episodes. Initially dismissing these as just freak occurrences, Heather is soon approached by film studio New Line Cinema, who ask that she reprise her role as Nancy Thompson in a sequel. Reluctantly, she agrees to take the part, but only after discovering that her husband Chase has been working on the project in secret. One evening, Dylan is caught viewing the first film on television, and as Heather awakens him from his night terror, Chase is contacted to immediately return to the house, but falls asleep at the wheel and perishes rather brutally (with his body in the morgue sporting multiple slashes across the chest). Following his funeral, a queer set of events begins to unwind, which sees the truth about Freddy Krueger's entire reason for existing coming to light.


There is certainly more than a few instances of cleverness found throughout New Nightmare's aforementioned synopsis, whether they're in the homages to several iconic scenes from its cinematic forefather, or even just in the way that Craven and crew manage to take a few tiny shots at how absurd the dumbing down of the franchise has become, which includes seeing children in the audience of a talk show where Robert Englund is supposed to appear (in complete costume no less!). Most of the creator's vision is fully realized here, and he smartly brings Krueger back to his origins as a nearly-inescapable evil with malicious intentions and no time to joke around. Freddy also receives an upgrade in the costume and makeup department: he appears to be much closer in appearance to a proper burn victim, with more sinister-looking eyes, a trenchcoat, and a reconstructed glove that is more skeletal and grossly organic in design. Purportedly, this is what was conceived during the first film's pre-production stages, but for whatever reason, it never came to be until now.


At this point, it should be the furthest thing from a shock to hear that the cast of characters in an Elm Street film are pretty fabulous. Tracy Middendorf, who would ironically pop up again down the line in MTV's Scream television series, plays Julie the babysitter. Limited as her screen time may be, the young lady has tons of spunk and personality, and had this iteration in the franchise not existed, I think that writing some variation of her as a potential lead or love interest to another protagonist would have been great to see. We also see the reappearance of series veterans like John Saxon, Lin Shaye, and (naturally) Robert Englund, who I'm certain was fairly excited to be playing a far more serious version of the villain that fourteen-year-olds constantly ask him about at horror conventions. Then again, he's never half-assed it in any of the subsequent follow-ups. But, the highest praise has to be reserved for the wonderful Heather Langenkamp, who is out in full force here. Channeling unbridled rage, frustration, and passion that no doubt came from a myriad of incidents related to/following her initial casting from back in the day, she turns in what I personally consider to be her finest performance to date as an actress. She has grown as a person in so many ways (as has every single soul from film #1) and it reflects here. Miko Hughes plays a good toddler in terror as well, and even if I can be down on kid actors from time to time, I've always felt extremely sympathetic every time that he is being terrorized here. I mean, who wouldn't scream if a horribly deformed man tried to unhinge his jaw like a snake and swallow you whole?


Though any respectable fan of the scarier side of cinema knows well enough by now, New Nightmare is a truly great entry in the Elm Street saga. It stands as a delicacy for longstanding fans, casual newcomers, and those who express interest in the sort of morose, bizarre obsessions with horror's influence on the general populace and the continuous need for milking a cash cow. Furthermore, it is one of the few self-reflective pictures in this subgenre that I firmly believes needs more projects akin to it. Unbeknownst to the audiences who ventured out to see it, New Nightmare would also serve as a prototype of sorts for another Craven-led ditty that would change the game (again). Currently, the film can be purchased in a wonderful Blu-Ray box set with the other entries in this franchise, and is available to stream on Netflix along with another underrated Craven flick in Scream 2.



Which leads me to close off today (and yesterday's) entries with an older tweet that comes courtesy of film critic Kim Newman: "Wes Craven reinvented horror at least four times - most directors don't even manage it once." Despite an occasional hiccup here and there, the man's filmography is the type of resume that most will strive to achieve, though I'll be damned it they can even come close.



Rest in power Wes. I love you and miss you.




Tomorrow, I'm in the mood for some rock and/or roll to go with my cinematic terror. Who's with me?!

Unseen Terror 2016: Day 25

Sent by her father to an all-girls academy in Switzerland, young Jennifer Corvino arrives in the midst of a series of grisly murders that have been occurring throughout the area. While sleepwalking one evening, she witnesses such an event herself, flees, and ends finding herself lost in the nearby woods. Thankfully, she is saved by the animal assistant of a kindly entomologist named John McGregor, who notices Jennifer's special interactions that she seems to have with an assortment of insects. Believing her to have some sort of psychic connection with the creatures, he keeps the thought in mind as Jennifer returns back to where stays. After an EEG seemingly proves to be useless, the string homicides continue to pile up, and John realizes that Jennifer's secret gift may prove to be a useful tactic in tracking down the psychopath that is responsible.



Well, I'd like to think that during this last week leading up to the big, bad day that we of little faith love and adore, I should try to sneak in as much consistency as possible. So, why not something from Italian horror giant Dario Argento? Debate in the community always runs rampant over if some filmmaking greats were "overrated" or had a more questionable filmography than one believes, but nearly everyone out there can agree on the master of projects like Suspiria deserving all the praise in the world for his beautifully twisted approach towards foreign cinema. Plus, and forgive me for the spoilers, this won't be the first time that he'll make an appearance on here.


Other than sporting one heck of a weird premise, Phenomena (initially edited and released in the U.S. as Creepers) is filled with a very fascinating list of performers, both in front of the camera and behind it. Making her third appearance on the big screen is a very young Jennifer Connelly, who would land a breakout role in cult favorite Labyrinth only one year after this film dropped. It isn't hard to see the star potential in the (then) fourteen-year-old actress, as she does a terrific job with a character that would normally be laughed or scoffed at in this day and age. I can't help but wonder if some random stranger has ever approached her on the street before, asking if she can speak to their pet praying mantis or rhinoceros beetle (I imagine the response would be akin to "he says you're an asshole"). The extremely underrated Donald Pleasence (Halloween, You Only Live Twice) pops up here and there as Jennifer's confidant and ally, whose own primary companion prior to their first interaction is a pet chimpanzee named Inga. Unsurprisingly, the former turns in a very solid performance himself, though one wishes that he received a tad bit more screen time. Aside from that, a majority of the cast in this Italian-based production make the conscious decision to dub over their own voices with very mixed results. Outside of their body language, it can be a tad bit difficult to properly review their own portrayals. Personally, I'm always intrigued in tracking down original audio tracks for films that do not originate from the states (no matter the genre), so that may be worth purchasing in the near future.


In concerns to the aforementioned material and list of names that are not physically featured on screen, there is quite a bit to praise here. A brief glance at Phenomena's soundtrack is enough to get one excited, as it features not just Italian composing legends Goblin (heard throughout previous entry Contamination), but choice cuts from notable heavy metal acts like Iron Maiden and Motorhead. There are multiple uses and snippets of the former's track from Powerslave titled "Flash of the Blade" that play whenever a young girl is in serious danger or being pursued; had the vocals not kicked in, the effect of fear and dread would have been absolute bliss. Letting the full song play was a bit of an odd choice, but perhaps they thought that "Transylvania" or "Remember Tomorrow" were too old to use at that point. Thankfully, Goblin's absolutely awesome score is on point: it is brilliantly suspenseful, exciting, and all too fitting of the time period that this takes place during. Its crafting goes along rather well with how neat-looking Phenomena appears to the watcher's eye. Even with the less-than-stellar print that I stumbled across online, the movie is shot very well, sporting some solid lighting, cinematography, and good use of colors. Outside of that, the flick is surprisingly quite brutal and grotesque at times, though serious fanatics who are obsessed with solely bloodshed may find themselves a little disappointed until the final, absolutely insane third act kicks in. I hate to steal a line from someone like Eli Roth, but the Italians most assuredly know how to the put the "gore" in "gorgeous."


Movies like Phenomena are a rare treat during marathons such as these. It's a very ambitious, peculiar, and all-around unique piece of cinema. The arguments that horror can never be viewed as art, or that nothing great has come out past a certain point of a certain decade have always flabbergasted me, and though I wouldn't call it a perfect picture by any means, it is highly recommended for those who are seeking out something that deviates a bit from the norm (and is reportedly the personal favorite of its own director, who even includes references to his own strange childhood in the pages of the script). Sadly, tracking down an inexpensive copy of this Argento release can be a bit tricky, as the DVD is out of print, and a Blu-Ray release from the reputable Arrow Video was only available as an import (it goes for quite a few dollars now too). Still, if you don't mind viewing a copy with questionable picture quality, it's always available here on YouTube. And if that link goes down, perhaps waiting patiently for a re-release of the aforementioned disc formats is a good option as well.



On a (sort of) related note, I must apologize for the slight delay. Even with the hours thankfully piling up at my job, I promise that this won't become a regular habit. And besides, at least I'm talking about some works from more reputable directors for a change.




Speaking of that, tomorrow (today?), we see an appearance from Wes Craven on here, and I think you'd be...."amish" to skip this one.......

Unseen Terror 2016: Day 24

After writing her boyfriend a "Dear John" letter, Rosemary Chatham attends a graduation dance in her rather small hometown with a new man by her side. When they sneak away in order to go make out in private, they are attacked and brutally murdered by a man adjourned in army regalia, who proceeds to leave a rose at the scene of the crime. Thirty-five years pass, and a young lady named Pam MacDonald is busy organizing the first ceremony since these tragic events occurred. Soon, reports of a new, masked "prowler" roaming around the area come to light, and everyone is suddenly on alert. Still, is there a possibility that this maniac shares closer ties to his predecessor than we initially thought, or is it just pure coincidence?



While writing my Madea review last night, it occurred to me that I really haven't been able to catch yet another relic in the slasher subgenre this year. So, after putting in some hours at work, wherein I can always brainstorm some ideas while preparing for the holidays, I was able to mentally dig through what choices were available for me to behold. After some consideration, I settled on Joe Zito's (Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter, Invasion U.S.A.) much-discussed gem titled The Prowler. Given that I've discovered more than a handful of grisly, guilty pleasures (Pieces, The Burning) from these unfairly-derided type of films, and seeing as how I am apparently feeling rather sadistic after catching last night's premiere of The Walking Dead, I say let us get to it.


Basic though The Prowler's concept may be, it immediately earned respect from me when I discovered that the iconic Tom Savini was in charge of the effects work. Say what you will about these flicks be categorized as merely "dead teenager" works, but from a technical or practical standpoint, there is a lot to respect and admire. The titular antagonist's main methods of knocking off his victims come from the use of a bayonet and pitchfork, the latter of which I'm even nervous just picking up myself if the situation ever comes about when I may need it. Though none of the disposals are revolutionary, they are quite nasty regardless. A ghastly, visceral standout comes from shoving one formerly-mentioned weapon downward through a poor soul's skull, which did a nice job at getting even a hardened individual like myself to wince. Joe Zito and his crew also churn out some pleasantly good cinematography, pacing, and halfway decent acting; it adds a real level of genuine suspense and mystery that prevents it from being just pure lunacy. Some of the camera work and close-up shots are surprisingly exceptional too, as they help accentuate the agony and horror of the entire situation. Not too bad for a little ditty that cost approximately one million dollars, yeah?


Sadly, The Prowler's technical aspects will most likely be the ONLY thing what "virgin viewers" like myself will remember in the long run. Despite a very entertaining opening that is set right after the second world war has ended, I was actually disappointed to see Zito's piece jump forward into modern times. I have no doubt that a slasher picture set exclusively in the time frame of the 1940s would make for a rollicking, scary adventure, and could have been a very unique standout during the seemingly endless waves of these kind of movies that came rushing in during a shockingly short amount of time. Perhaps if this ever receives the remake treatment, such a concept could be fully realized. And even with the aforementioned acting being mostly acceptable, none of these characters are wholly memorable and are ultimately written to act as mere horror film stereotypes (save for an overweight hotel clerk played by Bill Nunnery, whose hilarious level of apathy seemed like something out of a parodic picture). I was quite taken aback to see a giant like Lawrence Tierney (Born to Kill, Reservoir Dogs) pop up as a wheelchair-bound veteran with possible connections to these horrific crimes, but considering that he rarely, if ever gets a chance to utter a single word, all one thinks is that he must have been desperate for a paycheck that week.


Though it is riddled with some occasionally slow parts and a bit of a lame wrap-up (props for a very good Savini-centric scene though), I would still give The Prowler a solid recommendation for those who share even a remote interest in this category of horror and are craving for a new way to kill ninety minutes of their free time. Yes, it may not sport as much of a shock factor as some of its brethren do, nor does it have the creativity of its more largely-successful cousins. But, it ultimately boils down to being a very commendable cinematic bloodbath whose special effects, makeup, and tension help it enough to warrant a thumbs up. If you have a subscription to Showtime, access to YouTube, or are just a curious shopper, there are multiple ways for one to watch this underrated antique.



Plus, at the very least, it doesn't star Madea.



......I don't think I'm ever going to forgive myself for that one.




Tomorrow, another trip to Italy is underway, and Jennifer Connelly, aka my eternal crush, may be hitching along for my flight!

Unseen Terror 2016: Day 23

Did I not tell you that this entry in my yearly marathon would be one for the ages?

Well, I wasn't lying.

.....wait, where are you going?! Come back!



Before you gather soap-in-socks to beat me with, let me explain my decision behind paying actual U.S. currency to see a motion picture titled Boo! A Madea Halloween. As mentioned multiple times over this year's iteration of Unseen Terror, I have certain guidelines that I like to follow. One of the final requirements for my list this year was to venture out into a nearby cinema and see something related to the realm of horror. However, given that we are only receiving approximately two pictures this month at the multiplex (after Rings was pushed back, the other choice was Ouija: Origin of Evil), the options were extremely limited. Though I have been hearing surprisingly good things about the latter release, my curiosity was piqued once the trailer for this particular....thing hit the internet. Seeing as how I have never watched a Tyler Perry movie in its entirety (and those parody posters for classic horror films are just brilliant), the concept of the extremely boisterous, over-the-top character of Madea Simmons fighting against ghosts, zombies, or anything else unusual intrigued the shittiest part of psyche. That, and the fact that it was spawned out of a joke made in the Chris Rock vehicle Top Five just had me pondering about what I was in store for.


I'll give Tyler Perry some props before going into any further discussion about Boo! A Madea Halloween. The man creates a plethora of these entries for so little money and turns in such a humongous profit. It's fairly admirable, and he honestly doesn't come across as a bad person if one pays attention to some of his interviews. That being said, he is also a master manipulator. For example, he deceived a poor sucker like me into believing that I was going to see Madea and her "I can't tell if these are also Tyler Perry in drag" costars running from/fighting back against the minions of the underworld, all with hilarious consequences and occasionally ignorant gags or jokes. Well, I hate to spoil the fun, but none of this comes to fruition, as this is essentially a gigantic episode of A Pup Named Scooby Doo, but with more long-winded speeches, references/trips to places of holy gatherings, pranks, and a very linear plot revolving around Madea and her cronies attempting to prevent her grandniece from venturing out during Halloween night, where she intends to join her friends at a large fraternity gathering. Even categorizing it as "comedy-horror" just seems wholly dishonest and misleading.


Though the humor permeating throughout is extremely hit-or-miss and heavily reliant upon you knowing all of the cast from previous outings (as stated above, this is my first trip into the Madea-verse), the horror aspects are pitiful to the point where even the small children that I saw inside of the theater were just walking around, all while looking bored or just not scared whatsoever. Heck, last year's Goosebumps was more frightening than Boo! is, and that featured a wooden dummy making puns that were bad enough to make Chip Chipperson blush. Still, I did get a great deal of amusement out of watching Perry's protagonists punch or whack evil-looking clowns over the head whenever the opportunity presented itself. There are also sequences involving the character of Aunt Bam (whose entire reason for existing seems to be so that Perry can write constant jokes around older, overweight people loving marijuana) potentially dealing with a ghost in the bathroom and stealing candy from chubby kids on Halloween night, and much to my surprise, they got genuine laughs out of me. But man, I could count on one hand about how many times such a thing occurred. To say that this type of humor just eluded me would actually be only partially accurate. Most of Boo!'s jokes come from squabbling over sex, prison, religion, or how kids should be smacked around a little if they are to respect their parents. How much of this you will agree with is entirely dependent on who is looking for what here (even my theater was nowhere near as crowded, or vocal as I thought it would be). If you are desiring to see a grown-ass man dress in drag while just shouting "Aw hell nah!" repeatedly, or gags around elderly people invading a frat house, entering a twerking contest, and yelling at supporting cast members portrayed by unfortunate souls like Big Love's Bella Thorne or X Factor veteran Diamond White, then you are in for the sweetest of treats. These quips are fired out in such quick succession that you almost never get time to breathe, and when you are stuck in a room with Perry playing multiple roles all while arguing with himself, it feels akin to sitting through Eddie Murphy's The Nutty Professor while tripping on acid.


Truth be told, even after Boo! had finished up, I was legitimately uncertain as to how I should even review it. I have been doing this for much longer than even I ever thought that I would, but I can safely say that throughout these years, I've never encountered such a fascinatingly bad motion picture before. Is it the worst flick that I have seen all year? No, it most certainly is not (I don't think this would even make the list of my bottom ten). But, is it worth paying your hard-earned money to see? Well, the answer to that is an eerily-similar Oh DEAR GOD no. And yet, I can say that my life has changed for the better and worse because of my conscious decision to venture out and catch it. It's a staggering bizarre, odd piece of cinema that borders on excruciatingly dumb and lazy (it took approximately eight days to shoot), but there is the absolute smallest part of me saying that if it were to somehow pop up on cable again, you could do far more torturous things with your time. Plus, it never made me angry, which is more than I can say for a handful of movies that I've already sat through.



But my goodness, there is no way in hell that am I fully endorsing a Tyler Perry film that features church references in the first 5-10 minutes and a random stop to one while running away from zombies. Oh lord.




Tomorrow, I need to seriously rethink my life choices. That, or watch another relic from the decades prior to this one.

Unseen Terror 2016: Day 21 & Day 22

As a military vehicle is transporting the dangerous gas known as Trioxin from town to town, a single barrel breaks loose from the back of the truck, and falls into a nearby river. Soon afterwards, a young boy named Jesse is coerced by two bullies to venture into the nearby cemetery, where all three stumble across the aforementioned tank. Though Jesse warns that they should not tamper with it, the others are far more ambitious, as they decide to lock their "victim" inside of a vault in the hopes that he will no longer disturb them. Though he is eventually and accidentally freed by a trio of grave robbers, it is too late to stop his curious comrades from messing with the Trioxin, which has effects that are worse than anything that they ever could have imagined. Within no time, the dead rise from the ground, and they are craving only one thing: BRAINS!



Before going into my review for this little ditty, I have to apologize and correct myself for a huge error that was made not too long ago: Unseen Terror was started in 2011, NOT during the year prior to that. How was I able to recall this you may ask? Well, it is because my premiere choice for the very first entry came from Dan O'Bannon's The Return of the Living Dead, a 1985 horror-comedy that is wisely and justifiably adored for its great sense of humor, killer soundtrack, blood/gore, and a very keen ability to not take itself too seriously. So, as luck would have it, I was able to stumble across one of its many sequels from throughout the years. Having also previously seen the follow-up to this picture, but not the actual finished, whole product itself, I felt that a proper viewing was in order. Plus, this is officially my three-hundredth post on here, so I said why the hell not?


I have often heard from fans and critics that the ROTLD series can be categorized as "Punk Rock Zombie" flicks, and after having seen at least three of these pictures, I don't believe that they are completely wrong. In terms of the music department, Part II isn't nearly as impressive as its predecessor, but it does an admirable job at being able to stick out in a sea of sequels with a killer soundtrack, featuring artists like Anthrax and Leatherwolf playing throughout. Tragically, also like the film before it, being able to obtain a cut of the movie with every artist's song featured in the initial theatrical run is nearly impossible thanks to copyright issues, and unless you are willing to settle for the French audio track on the DVD release, you are most likely going to have to track something down at a nearby horror convention. There are also a good number of other technical aspects found throughout this follow-up worth smiling over, including some very colorful gore and the return of the (now) iconic Tarman zombie (though he looks far more comical this time around and gets even less screen time). All of the crew in the makeup department knock it out of the park with some hilariously silly-looking deceased beings, including a woman with worms constantly sticking and wiggling out of her face, and a corpse who gets blasted into two pieces but somehow keeps functioning. Unlike the 1985 release, Part II is definitely played more for laughs, and it comes closer to being lumped into the subgenre known as "comedy-horror" rather than "horror-comedy." "Wait Ryan, what is the difference between those two?" Trust me, if you sit down and watch it yourself, then you shall understand what I'm saying.


Now, while I am absolutely satisfied with the bloodier and louder ends of the spectrum, I would be remiss not to bring up the other aspects of ROTLD Part II. While the creativity behind those in the realm of the undead certainly makes for a memorable experience, other portions of this entry just leave you feeling kind of disappointed. As is the case with most sequels, a majority of this motion picture feels like recycled or redundant material. The most apparent, obvious case of this comes from the casting of James Karen and Thom Mathews as two of our leads. Because it was essentially impossible for their characters from Part 1 to return to the big screen (my apologies for the spoiler), it just feels odd to see them pop back up again, and their new roles feel like carbon copies from that picture in question. Come to think of it, the two even go so far as to make a joke about the similarities and near-duplication towards the middle of its running time, which begs the question of why would you watch this tale instead of its three-year-old ancestor?


Astonishingly, ROTLD Part II is currently sitting at a disastrously-low rating of zero percent on website aggregator Rotten Tomatoes. Perhaps it is the bias of a horror fan that is coming out to say the following, but to imply that this is far worse than something truly wretched like Meet the Spartans or Fantastic Four is just wholly, stupidly wrong. Much like another undeservedly-trashed sequel to a bigger film, it is far from a perfect product (a good half of its cast or crew have been outspoken about their dislike for the picture and feel that it's a blatant cash grab), but it's a watchable sequel with oodles of cheese and enough charm and pizzazz to help it stick a decent landing. I'm uncertain as to how memorable it will be for you in the long run, but for the time being, it is a fairly acceptable way to kill 90 minutes. Currently, the DVD is relatively inexpensive to purchase, and it can be viewed for free if you have a subscription to Starz and/or access to their on-demand library.



So, since this was a follow-up that took me by pleasant surprise, let us see if we can duplicate that magic outside of the realm of zombie movies.......

To say that 1995's Italian production Cruel Jaws makes for a particularly fascinating watch is one colossal understatement. The movie was marketed and released in many areas across the globe as Jaws 5: Cruel Jaws, and reuses themes and footage from a number of other, superior pictures (there's even teases of the beloved theme from Star Wars) involving these killer beasts of the ocean. In fact, for that reason alone, the movie has been extremely difficult to track down and is ineligible for a proper DVD or Blu-Ray release (though there always is the bootleg circuit).

Which leads me to utter the following: I have always been told that if you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all. Of course, that would make me a huge hypocrite given all of the trashing that I have done of lesser flicks from throughout the years, but I really do not care at this point. Regardless, I can comfortably say that the best aspect of the Grade-Z Cruel Jaws (outside of one of the lead actors appearing to be a doppelganger for professional wrestler-turned cultural punchline Hulk Hogan) was that it ended, and was mildly less torturous to watch than Up from the Depths. And even then, I will be debating with myself for a quite a while about such a statement.

....that's it though. No more is being said or typed. Nope. Let's just move on to tomorrow's entry, shall we?

Speaking of that, let's just say that my "theatrical" choice for this year's Unseen Terror was unlike anything that I have ever sat through...

Unseen Terror 2016: Day 19 & Day 20

Living on an isolated farm with a motel attached to it, Vincent Smith and his sister Ida run a meat-smoking business that is the talk of the town. Though he can not reveal the secrets of the wonderful taste to anyone who asks, his reasons are more than understandable. During an evening unlike any other, young couple Bo and Terry seemingly crash their motorcycle near the residence, and they are taken in by the elderly farmer. When the young woman awakens, she is informed that her boyfriend unfortunately did not make it through the night. Unknown to Terry, this could not be further from the truth, as it turns out that this kindly duo has been secretly kidnapping civilians, trespassers, and anyone stupid enough to venture near their property. Why is this being done you may ask? Because it does take all kinds of critters to make Farmer Vincent Fritters...



You know, I was initially going to review the Italian knockoff Cruel Jaws today, but decided against it once I figured out I would very likely end up going insane from viewing yet another creature feature. Plus, when you consider that the Italian flick is mostly comprised of footage from at least two of the legitimate sequels in that franchise, what would be the point?.....Okay, it will eventually happen. But for now, I figured that viewing a much-discussed, thirty-six-year-old underrated gem was far more important than anything else.


Here's a very fun fact: 1980's Motel Hell was originally conceived as being a very serious picture, akin to similar, powerful pieces such as The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Psycho. With the attachment of director Kevin Connor, whose previous efforts included many adaptations of works by the legendary Edgar Rice Burroughs (At the Earth's Core, The Land That Time Forgot), and screen legend Rory Calhoun (How to Marry a Millionaire, The Texan) as the lead, it seemed like those who had their ears to the ground were in for quite a ride. As luck would have it, the movie did turn out to be quite frightening, but in the most hilarious way possible. Yes, it has the unassuming, slight redneck vibe that permeates throughout some of the pictures mentioned above, but it also plays out as more of a parody and black comedy above anything else. It seems all too fitting that this came out prior to the absolutely insane "slasher" boom that was to come along very, very soon.


Categorizing Motel Hell as another motion picture in that subgenre feels slightly dishonest though. Its interesting cast of characters, including the ones whose sole purpose just appears to be nothing more than an unintelligible head, are very memorable. Vincent (Calhoun) and Ida (Nancy Parsons of Porky's fame) are so ridiculously charming that one almost wishes to see them in future sequels, and even when their big secret gets out to select individuals, you still find yourself sort of rooting for them to just keep going about their business and to not get suckered into the trappings of turning into the typical "crazed villains." The most fascinating decision made in the field of performers came seeing Chips star Paul Linke as Ida's obliviously stupid brother/town sheriff, and his comical ignorance just kicks the flick up a notch or two. Another interesting fact comes from the casting of Nina Axelrod as the closest thing we get to a heroine with occasional lapses into Stockholm syndrome. She's certainly got a lot of moxie and talent, though one wonders what could have happened to her had she also landed one role that she tried out for after Motel Hell was released to theaters. If that wouldn't be the weirdest one-two combination known to fans of cinema across the globe, then I don't know what would have been. To her credit though, she did get the opportunity to star alongside of Leonardo DiCaprio in his first film role.


If I were to have one gripe with Motel Hell, and it is one that I can not remain quiet about, it comes from not fully living up to the bloodshed that it seems to promise. Conceptually, the audience is fully expecting something truly satisfying in the gore department, but aside from some lacerations obtained during a chainsaw fight in the final act (no, you didn't read that wrong), it is a shockingly tame picture when compared to its cinematic brethren. I mean come on, a bit of dismemberment is always healthy, right?.......Yikes, I've been doing this for too long. Truth be told, a majority of Connor's uneasy moments come from the audible side of things. The constant gurgling that is heard from their buried victims (made due to having their vocal chords slit and stitched up) initially comes across as fairly freaky, but by the end, you are just chuckling uncontrollably whenever they appear to be attempting to have a legitimate conversion or are trying to rally others up.


Motel Hell is a special kind of entertainment. There's an unmistakably amusing vibe to it that can't be replicated by just any other picture. Most of the dialogue and gags hold up rather well, and there is just so much fun to be had. Best of all, you get the feeling that despite the silly concept and execution, Connor and crew genuinely cared about making an entertaining flick. Did they succeed? Well, seeing as I am going to recommend that you go out to purchase the Blu-Ray/DVD combo pack from Scream! Factory, I would say that they bloody well did.



But hey, if you're pretty stuffed with fritters and meats, Day 20's entry may have the ability to work better than any laxative ever could.

Though she is soon to be married and has cold feet about the decision, Casey is taking part in her very own bachelorette party, and as luck would have it, she and her friends have chosen the beautiful Costa Rica as the last place for her to spend one more night as a single woman. During a brief foray and dip into a hidden lake, Casey complains of something biting her beneath the water, but she dismisses it as nothing particularly serious. When they arrive back home, however, the young woman begins to notice changes in her physique, with a sore or two popping up, her body becoming stickier, and the inability to keep some solid foods down. Still, she finds herself more nervous about issues relating to her future mother-in-law and the reluctance to have children. Those problems will have to wait though, as it isn't long before this innocuous issue stemming from her little nipping becomes more difficult to hide, and she begins to show signs that what remains of her humanity could be disappearing at an alarmingly quick rate.

Ever since Bite's trailer popped up online a year or so ago, my interest in checking it out (no matter how possible) has stayed virtually the same. If any single one of you know me at all by now, you know that I am a bonafide fanboy when it comes to discovering new entries in the occasionally divisive field that is commonly classified as "body horror." So, this tale of a naïve, engaged woman contracting something which causes a slow decaying of her well being, be it physical or mental, had me hooked from the very instant. Plus, considering that news of a remake of David Cronenberg's masterful The Fly seems to pop up every year or so these days, I figured that delving into what appeared to be an unabashed love letter to that movie and others of its ilk is nothing to be ashamed of.

Where Cronenberg's project succeeded in many departments, Bite does a nice job at trying to ape those positive aspects as well, though with some hit or miss results. When one considers how relatively new writer/director Chad Archibald is to the genre, some of these acts are easily to forgive, though it does reach the levels of pandering once in a while. Casey, played by Canadian actress Elma Begovic, is a perfectly fine lead character. I didn't get the same sense that she was as sympathetic or tragic like Jeff Goldblum's Seth Brundle was, especially when she just continues to ignorantly defy requests to go to a clinic (be they from friends or herself). Even as a fan of scarier pictures, I felt that at least one trip to a doctor could have made for an interesting plot point or some much-needed dark comedy, but it's honestly a minor complaint. Begovic, who reminds me of a younger Rachel Weisz (The Mummy, The Fountain) mixed with Katharine Isabelle (Ginger Snaps, American Mary), shows a lot of promise, though she does begin to unintentionally channel Vincent D'onofrio from Men in Black towards the end. While the actress who portrays Casey is more than capable of working with whatever she is delivered, I never got the same feeling from her co-stars, who did not seem nearly as invested with working on a body horror motion picture as she did. They range from stereotypical best friends who may have hidden agendas, to over-the-top antagonists who just seem to lack any means of resembling a real person. They almost bring Bite down to where you could classify it as a nastier soap opera, but their screen time is mercifully limited compared to that of our main character.

Bite's shinier aspects come from when it features no dialogue, as it just leaves the audience alone, so that they can watch a horrific, if not almost ritualistic decline of a fairly innocent human being. There is a great feeling of isolation once Casey realizes that something is terribly wrong, and makes the decision to lock the doors of her apartment out of fear and massive anxiety. It's a clear homage to more claustrophobic flicks from the likes of Roman Polanski, and even some mentally exhausting releases such as 2006's massively underrated Bug. But of course, what is very likely to stick with viewers long after they have finished Bite is the work in the effects and makeup fields. For a film that presumably lacked a larger budget that is (usually) liberally handed out for experiences like these, there are some rather good moments that can turn the stomachs of most female viewers, including a dream sequence involving Casey and a pile of eggs, and a brief scene of her slowly pulling off a fingernail (which will ALWAYS manage to make a gore-hound like myself feel queasy). Admittedly, one wishes that it could have dived into the territory of the aforementioned Cronenberg masterwork, or even concocted some nightmarish designs ala Rob Bottin (The Thing), but as I said, it is very likely that the cost of the movie was nowhere near as expensive as it could have been. Props to making Casey's residence begin to gradually resemble a hive from Aliens though.


Bite does seem to be more concerned with grossing you out rather than trying to change the face of body horror, as it suffers from having some very basic dialogue and unresolved plot points, as well as worship that can be just as detrimental as it can be complimentary. But you know what? Sometimes, that is perfectly fine, as the overall experience was such a joyous one for someone like myself. Perhaps shooting it as a something that was done solely in the first person could have been a nice experiment, and a bold attempt to push the genre forward. But as it stands, it's a fun, decently nasty ride and a real treat when you consider that we rarely get these kind of films anymore. The movie can be obtained for a rather cheap price at most retail establishments, and, if you read this in time, the whole thing can be viewed on YouTube at THIS link.



Oh, and if you ladies out there (aka all two of you who read this) are looking for a double feature to make you never want to have children or be around creepy crawlies again, be sure to watch this back-to-back with Lucky McKee's "Sick Girl" from Masters of Horror. You will thank (or shiv) me later.




Tomorrow, I am off to catch Evil Dead: The Musical with my family, so I can not blatantly give away what the choice I have in mind is, and nor can I give a hint. Still, you never know what is to come on here, especially with what opened up this weekend.......

Unseen Terror 2016: Day 18

Paleontologist Kate Lloyd is contacted by one Dr. Sander Halvorson, who requests that she join him and his assistant in examining something unusual that has been unearthed by a Norwegian research crew in the coldest reaches of Antarctica. Though initially reluctant, she does agree to join, and upon arrival, finds out that the magnitude of this discovery was certainly not exaggerated: the collective has stumbled upon a space ship buried underneath the ground. Stranger yet, the group reveals the remains of what appears to be an extraterrestrial that is frozen in a block of ice. Taking the still-encased body back to the base for studying, it isn't long before they are made aware of the creature's vital signs still being active, as it breaks free and begins slaughtering anything it comes into contact with. Even worse is the fact that it seems to be more than capable of assimilating and impersonating living, breathing material. The remaining members start to contemplate about who is still real, and who is secretly sporting terrifying, inhuman features.

Well, it is time for me to say something that will undoubtedly ruffle a few feathers: 2011's The Thing, a prequel to John Carpenter's 1982 remake of The Thing from Another World, which can be categorized as yet another adaptation of the influential story known as "Who Goes There?," is not that bad of a movie.

Phew. Now that I have gotten that off of my chest, let's get to the actual review, shall we?

When news first broke of an update related to the aforementioned John Carpenter classic coming to theaters, the internet was ready to unleash the purest form of hell upon those dared to touch such a sacred, beloved treasure. Heck, I will admit that I was one of them myself, as that movie holds a special place in my heart, and I would even be willing to go so far as to say that it is firmly in the personal list of my ten favorite horror flicks of all time. The question that remained on everyone's mind (other than "WHYYY?!") was whether this particular release will serve as a precursor to that picture or would be yet another reinterpretation. As it turns out, The Thing is a mixture of about ninety percent of the former, and ten percent of the latter. It sets out to expand the mythos and specialties of the alien creature itself, but isn't above throwing in some homages to its forefather. Do all of these revelations and facts come together to make a perfect film? Well, it's certainly far from achieving such a feat, but it isn't without some positives to talk about.

Cast-wise, there are some very commendable leads that were chosen to take part in this. I don't think that a day will come when I don't sing the praises of the ever-so-talented Mary Elizabeth Winstead (Scott Pilgrim vs. the World, 10 Cloverfield Lane), and though her character Kate lacks the bravado or general coolness of Kurt Russell's protagonist from thirty years before, she does do a commendable job with the role and seems genuinely invested in this project. Joel Edgerton (Warrior, Zero Dark Thirty) isn't too bad either, though you do wish that he received more screen time when the moment arrives for the whole shebang to wrap up. Sadly, the rest of the list of performers feels very interchangeable and readily available to swap out with one another. Kudos goes to making the wise choice to cast actual Norwegian or Scandinavian actors in these supporting roles (and for having most of them speak their native tongue without the addition of subtitles), but the fact that many are given such a small amount of dialogue or moments to establish a distinguishable personality does make for a disappointment, and gives off the impression that most of these guys are just to be meat for the beast.

One aspect of The Thing that caught my attention during its shooting process was the revelation of practical effects serving as the primary means of scaring the audience. If you have never seen John Carpenter's 1982 vision (and if you haven't, go buy the bloody thing already), some of its most memorable highlights come from the absolutely nightmarish designs of the monster and subsequent effects surrounded or caused by it. Most, if not all of these creations can be attributed to the extremely talented Rob Bottin, who though retired, leaves behind an incredible legacy in the realm of science fiction and horror. Even in an age where computer-generated material seems to be the norm for studios to settle with, those works still hold up tremendously well and can cause your stomach to twist into a knot under the right circumstances. Much to my shock and utter sadness, the efforts put in by his replacements (Alec Gillis and Tom Woodruff Jr. of Amalgamated Dynamics) are completely covered over and replaced by an ugly coat of CGI paint. From what I have gathered and heard, the studio felt that these transformations did not look frightening or convincing enough to scare audiences, even though I would strongly argue that the physical presence of animatronics and practical effects usually garners better performances and spirit from the cast and crew in the long run. The picture is brought down so darn much by this idiotic move, as no matter how creative the actual conceptions may look to viewers, they come across as extremely fake, cheap, and ridiculous when handled in this manner. It strikes me as no surprise that this sort of tampering was what ultimately made those in the technical department move towards spearheading and completing a film that was more akin to what they had in mind for entertaining the fans.

There are other tinier aspects to note about The Thing that keep one's interest from completely waning. As previously mentioned, there are some nice nods that pop up towards the middle and later portions of the flick, such as the idea of gathering the group together so that they may take a blood test in order to discover who is human and who isn't. Interestingly enough, they also bring up the revelation that this entity can not assimilate or imitate inorganic material, so they ask to check the fillings inside of people's mouths. The paranoia factor can still be felt throughout, but cutting the tension with a knife isn't as easy to do this time around as one hoped it would be. There are also several scenes which involve the exploration and examination of its space craft, though I do believe that giving away too much of its interior layout or schematics spoils the mystique of the terrifying antagonist. Lastly, it does pack a rather fitting soundtrack that features portions of a score which would make original composter Ennio Morricone proud (courtesy of Scream and Hellboy veteran Marco Beltrami). It's a nice bonus to hear snippets of THIS track appear towards the beginning and end as well. Still, it does feel like it borders on pandering, and some will just end up wanting to re-watch the 1982 story instead.

If you go into 2011's The Thing with an open mind, and are willing to just judge it on its own with zero bias or expectations, the whole picture is nowhere near as terrible as your more hardcore friends made it out to be. Unfortunately, it is still seriously flawed and morphs into more of a standard monster movie during its final third, though as stated above, I would attribute most of those problems and creative differences to studio interference and a lack of understanding of what made the 1980s version so respected and revered. As it stands, it might anger some to even admit that this film exists, but it doesn't really do much to help or harm Carpenter's iteration. It's perfectly fine and is just kind of.....there. So, perhaps it is time to calm down and maybe, JUST MAYBE, give it a try if you are even mildly curious or willing to let your guard down for two hours. Much like its thirty-year-old predecessor (well, technically sequel?), this is readily available to purchase on DVD and Blu-Ray in most establishments that carry such things.

And hey, even if you end up thoroughly despising it, know that it is FAR from the worst movie that handled a project originally concocted and helmed by Mr. Carpenter himself. That distinct dishonor belongs to THIS steaming pile of garbage.

Tomorrow, it's time to head back to the 1980s! Seeing as how I haven't eaten much today myself, I sure could go for something fried. Maybe even some fritters.....

Unseen Terror 2016: Day 17

Unless you have been living under a rock for the past twenty-five years, I don't believe that The Simpsons' yearly special known as "Treehouse of Horror" needs any sort of proper introduction. And as I discussed yesterday, I seem to apply new rules and guidelines to Unseen Terror more than I realize. Given how I felt about last year's installment, and with the addition of this being the television show's six-hundredth episode (it falls just right below Japan's Sazae-san for the longest-running animated program in history), I figured that we were in for a real special treat that would be able to reward even those who have tuned out quite a number of years ago.


"Treehouse of Horror XXVII" opens with our titular family shopping for a Christmas tree, only to suddenly be confronted by a number of series antagonists from throughout the years, including the ghost of Homer's enemy Frank Grimes. I've always loved good ol' Grimey, as he served as a nice encapsulation of the constant critiquing the show has received from day one about how there is no way in hell that somebody as idiotic as Homer can accomplish as much as he does, and how posh his life is compared to everyone else's. As fun as it was to see him return, this prologue does ultimately feel like a waste though, even with bringing him back alongside of Kelsey Grammer's Sideshow Bob (who gets maybe ten seconds total to speak). Also, why in the world was Kang the Alien unable to speak English this time around, opting to just screech instead? On the plus side, it is followed by an amusing couch gag which pays tribute to Planet of the Apes.


Our first segment is titled "Dry Hard," and begins as a parody of The Hunger Games film series before descending into one that is closer in tone and visual appeal to last year's righteously great Mad Max: Fury Road. Despite some funny gags that pop up once in a while (whenever a person dies and their name is hoisted up on a big screen with something amusing underneath it), this felt so extremely lazy. It also begs the question of what does this have to do with Halloween or scary movies, but they seem to have given up on those associations and ties years ago. Luckily, "BFF R.I.P." is an amusing second story that feels very reminiscent of some of the yearly episode's earlier years, as it deals with Lisa seemingly having horrible luck with keeping anyone alive who claims to be her "best friend." It also gives us some solid Homer lines such as "Jeez, who would've thought a funeral for two kids would be so depressing?" Had this closed out the entire thing, I would have been able to cut the whole experience some slack, but they unfortunately follow it up with a James Bond & Kingsman parody titled "MoeFinger," which, to be as polite as I can be here, SUCKS. Given the seasonal tradition that these are supposed to have some sort of relation to horror or even science fiction, what sense did it make shoving this in here? Absolutely nothing works, failing to elicit even a quarter of a chuckle. Worse yet, as someone who can't stand musical acts such as Steely Dan (but can appreciate a fun Simpsons cameo), the fact that they wasted time and money on dragging the band's co-founder Don Fagen out for a five second appearance is just baffling. The episode closes out with a Tina Turner-lite song celebrating the show's longevity, which is charming until they take not-so-subtle shots at cancelled shows such as The Critic and Futurama. Say what you will about the former outstaying its welcome too, but at least it had the common decency to know when its end had finally arrived.


For such a monumental milestone, the newest entry in The Simpsons' "Treehouse of Horror" series, which is usually a standout even among weaker seasons, is extremely disappointing. Though I know that I am just one lowly soul who spends too much of his time on the internet and watching films of varying quality, it's my opinion that it is time to allow Fox's cash cow to bow out and end with some dignity left intact. At this point, the show has been reaching levels of awfulness longer and far more often than it has the opposite, and that is depressing for older folks such as myself. Though I'm sure that your local cable provider has the option for audiences to watch this as soon as they want to (as will websites such as Simpsons World), it's probably better to just ignore this one and move on with your daily lives.

I consider the seventeenth year of my existence on this planet to be the absolute pinnacle of my geekdom. It was one of my last years of being a devout fan of professional wrestling, as I would take a break from regular viewing by 2004, only sporadically tuning in whenever there was a Royal Rumble or (sadly) a wrestler passing away. Of course, this would change again for the better in 2010, but I digress. Coincidentally, I also believe that it was the last truly great year for my beloved aforementioned series The Simpsons. But, most importantly, it was when this unapologetic nerd was fully immersed in the realm of Japanese animation. I was adamant that viewing any and every piece of work out there was vital to my well being, and it got fanatical enough to where I even attended my first convention (Baltimore's Otakon) dedicated to it in 2002. Much like I do these days with graphic novels, I tended to follow certain creators rather than entire studios or companies. One such writer that always attracted my attention was Mr. Yoshiaki Kawajiri, whose creations such as Ninja Scroll and Vampire Hunter D: Bloodlust assisted in exposing me to darker, more mature material outside of say, Dragon Ball or Sailor Moon (yeah, I watched the latter. FIGHT ME). He also co-founded animation studio Madhouse, who helped many folks besides myself look beyond the realms of normalcy by distributing classics such as Trigun, and modern day hits such as High School of the Dead, Claymore, and Death Note. Most of their works are ones that I strongly recommend even to those who are apathetic about this niche genre, as they are chock full of wonderful creativity, unique action, memorable casts, and a ton of heart.

So, how does 1995's Bio Hunter, a story about two biologists who tackle virus-infected humans with demonically-enhanced powers, all while trying to combat some darker urges themselves, compare to all of those I had previously mentioned? Well, for starters, it opens with a lady's left breast spouting a nasty mouth, which proceeds to bite off and swallow a man's hand. Folks, you can't say that the Japanese aren't creative with their gore (go watch Tokyo Gore Police or The Machine Girl if you disagree). Sadly, the OVA begins to slowly slide downhill from then on, with nearly all of its problems firmly keeping it stuck in the mud for an all too brief sixty minute running time. None of the characters are especially interesting, and are given nowhere near the amount of time to grow attached to them. When we discover that one of our protagonists is infected with the same "demon virus" early on that permeates throughout the blood of others (calling this ailment by such a nickname is akin to calling your gym "Super Workout Place"), we raise an eyebrow or so, but he's still a fairly replaceable hero. Hell, the primary villain introduced during the second half feels like your average douchebag politician character in every form of media out there. Even though the pedigree of its voice cast does look extremely impressive on paper, Bio Hunter also suffers from being the recipient of some rather lifeless dubbing. In its defense, however, this was recorded and mixed during that awkward time period when a majority of actors didn't know whether to take anime seriously or not, as they were most likely certain that this would end up as a 90s-centric fad that would burn out just as quickly as it started. But hey, we do get the underrated line of "There's so much that science can't explain." Perhaps someone at U.S. production company Urban Vision is a creationist?


Bio Hunter isn't necessarily bad, but it feels almost instantly forgettable. Had there been a stronger focus on fleshing out a more complex, deeper story and less on making it cool or "edgy," then I think this could have been classified as a special, hidden gem. With a larger budget and more time, the OVA could have made for a fun television series, and it certainly wouldn't be too late to start considering how wide and varied the world of manga and anime are. As it stands, it feels like a dollar store version of Kawajiri's prior work Wicked City, which dealt with similar concepts and featured many of the same staples he throws into every piece he completes (tentacles, odd couple partnerships, body horror). The DVD and VHS are (unsurprisingly) out of print and will cost you a pretty penny if you wish to add them to your collection, though it is readily available to watch on nearly any website such as YouTube.



In fact, I think I'll take the risk and just post it below. Besides, you can always just watch for the first ninety seconds and stop, just to see the boob mouth.

Oh, and before I wrap this one up, would anyone be interested in me doing a mini-marathon one day devoted to exclusively "anime" horror? Please let me know. Because I totally think that I'll do it.




Tomorrow, it's time to cross off another requirement from my unofficial list of rules, as I tackle a particular remake from the past few years that I somehow forgot existed. Will is leave me feeling cold? If that's the case, man is always the warmest place to hide...

Unseen Terror 2016: Day 16

Every year when I am in the process of finalizing my list for Unseen Terror, I have guidelines that I adhere to and do my hardest to follow. The first, most obvious one of these is to watch a picture that I have never seen before, which warrants a "fresh" perspective for every entry with no bias (be it negative or positive) coming in. An assortment of other rules that I have come to add over the course of seven years have also included some of the following:

• Watch at least one remake of a popular, well-respected picture (coming soon)

• View at least three foreign films, no matter the country of origin (technically completed)

• Finish one, new anthology collection

Thankfully, after stumbling across 2016's newest foray into this subcategory, the bluntly-titled Holidays, I knew that I could breathe just a bit easier now. Trust me when I say, that for as much love as I have for a good horror compilation, it is far too easy to accidentally pick out the mediocre ones from a lot that is full of fair, admirable choices. For every Trick 'R Treat, Chillerama, or Body Bags, there is something disappointing like The ABCs of Death or Cradle of Fear lurking around the corner for you. On the plus side, very few of these flicks actually require me to type up a plot synopsis for them, and hell, anything that saves me from being even more meticulous that I already am is fine by me.

Unfortunately, I almost wish that such a need was warranted with a piece like Holidays. Admittedly, you always take a risk when popping on an anthology film, regardless of whatever genre it can be filed under. There is the all-too-real possibility of it being extremely hit or miss. Some stories will excite, amuse, or even terrifying you. The leftover ones, however, could end up leaving you with a rather foul taste remaining inside of your mouth. The idea of one project flowing (nearly) perfectly from beginning to end seems like a pipe dream in this current decade, and this release from Vertical Entertainment does nothing to help matters.

As we move on to the submitted entries themselves, I will confess that my only prior knowledge of Holidays came from hearing of writer/director Kevin Smith (Clerks, Chasing Amy, Tusk) filming and presenting another new work of his own for the film. Seeing as how I was not particularly fond of his last theatrical release, I kept nearly every finger, toe, and other body part crossed that this would turn out to be infinitely more watchable and engaging than seeing Johnny Depp parade around with a bad accent again. Much to my surprise, "Halloween" ends up being one of the worst aspects about Holidays, as it just highlights multiple problems that I have these days with the guy who, at one point on, I looked up to. It's a wannabe feminist revenge fantasy mixed with dialogue that seems to written exclusively for the cast and crew to enjoy, but leaves the audience groaning and just kind of embarrassed after it has wrapped. Also, for someone who was given perhaps the easiest day of the year to work with in the script department, Smith's short is the laziest and has the least in common with its titular celebration. Kudos for casting Harley Morenstein of Epic Meal Time fame though.


In the directing department, Smith is easily the most recognizable name attached to Holidays, as the rest of the pack is comprised of the veritable "Who's That?" from modern-day horror pictures. Kevin Kolsch (Starry Eyes) pens two different tales related to New Year's Eve and Valentine's Day (while directing the latter), with both yielding fun, if not predictable results. "Father's Day" starts off promising with the big screen reappearance of the lovely, talented, and supremely underrated Jocelin Donahue (The House of the Devil), as she portrays a woman searching for her once-thought deceased parent, but as it drags along to reach this epic, terrifying reveal during its brief running time, the ordeal ends up concluding with a bit of a whimper. Still, as flawed as it was, it did pique my interest in seeing what newcomer Anthony Scott Burns will be able to concoct in the near future. I wish that the same could be said for Sarah Adina Smith's "Mother's Day" and Gary Shore's "St. Patrick's Day," as they come across as incredibly weak retellings of Rosemary's Baby, though possessing far more interest in the gross out or cool factor rather than the frightening one. Unbelievably, Scott Stewart (Priest, Legion) turns in the absolute best choice of the bunch with "Christmas," a black comedy that revolves around star Seth Green (Robot Chicken, Austin Powers) going to any length possible to obtain the newest virtual reality toy for his child, even if it may come back to haunt him in ways he didn't imagine. Scott's submission has a hell of a lot of charm, but unfortunately ends just when things are going from good to great. Perhaps there is a possibility of a full-length feature adaptation to come? If there isn't, such a decision wouldn't necessarily be a bad one to make.


Despite some fun moments here and there, Holidays' primary problem comes down to an unforgiveable error that is present in far too many of the segments: they end abruptly. Mind you, I can ignore such a decision if it's done once or twice, but it felt as thought there was tons of missing footage in the film reel that was lost and never found. It gets repetitive, and just sort of annoys you to the point where you are unsure if you would ever express a desire to view it again. Because of that, it helps make Holidays feel extremely disjointed, as if it never lives up to its potential. Most segments build up to something that should be fabulous, but just fizzle out or conclude with far too easy of a resolution or reveal (this finally gives me an excuse to link to this clip). It's especially flabbergasting when you consider that this motion picture omnibus is nearly two hours long and was primarily given a straight-to-home video release rather than a theatrical one, which if all things were right in the world, means that there should be free range to do whatever you feel like. Am I fully convinced that a better overall product would have been churned out if an additional, combined forty minutes to an hour was evenly distributed to the filmmakers? No. But you never know unless you try. At this present moment, the movie is not available for purchase on any disc format, but a DVD street date is approaching sooner than you think. The easiest method in which to view Holidays will come from Netflix's streaming service, who have been repeatedly advertising it for reasons that even I am not certain of.



Oh, wait. You do get to see a monstrous, mutated rabbit in the "Easter" chapter who looks like something out of the film adaptation for The Twilight Zone. Maybe that's why they are so insistent on shoving it down our throats.




Tomorrow, we head into the animated realm for several entries that lean more towards the macabre side of things, and their countries of origin are all over the map!