Unseen Terror 2018: Day 19

October 31, 1978: after escaping from Smith's Grove Sanitarium, serial killer Michael Myers murders several people before being stopped by a combination of young Laurie Strode and his psychiatrist Dr. Samuel Loomis. Forty years later, Michael remains in a mental ward and Laurie has turned into a PTSD-stricken recluse, which has caused a rift between her and her family. Two podcasters arrive at Laurie's abode to interview her about the experience, and after informing her of the news that Michael is due to be transferred to a maximum security prison, try to convince her to see the masked madman one more time as an attempt to get him to speak. Even though they feel it would act as "closure" of sorts, she declines, as she wants nothing more than to finally kill him when he inevitably escapes and returns to their small town to kill again. As fate would have it, it isn't long until the news reports that the bus which was to take Michael to his new penitentiary has crashed...



"Hello Michael..."


Those two words, as simple as they are, have more power in them than the average moviegoer thinks. There has been a rather lengthy break between the release of 2018's Halloween and the last entry in this franchise to receive a theatrical release: Rob Zombie's maligned Halloween II, which I admittedly have yet to finish due to my disdain for its predecessor. Still, when news broke of a new motion picture being developed for release, I know that some fans like myself were intrigued, if not extremely cautious. Then, a plethora of additional information was released over the course of several months, including the presence of Mr. John Carpenter as both executive producer AND composer, and in what must have been the biggest shock of all, the return of Jamie Lee Curtis as iconic heroine Laurie Strode. The recipe was there for a return to form for a franchise that had been bogged down by a string of misfires and divisive sequels. Thankfully, much like Michael Myers himself does throughout most of these flicks, we can all breathe easy.

As I'm sure that most people who are reading this review (all ten of you) have heard, 2018's Halloween is a direct sequel to the original John Carpenter classic, which effectively erases every other entry in this franchise from continuity. A ballsy move to make for sure, but not an entirely foreign concept (look to Superman Returns as an example, and keep your eye out for William Gibson's Alien 3-related comic book that's set for release very soon). Personally, I don't have a problem with this whatsoever, especially if it means that we are lucky enough to see Jamie Lee Curtis return in a starring role. I'll stand by my opinion that Laurie Strode is the quintessential "final girl," though when we first meet this iteration of the character, she has done more than grow up. Gone is the innocent, relatively pure young lady who was barely able to fight off the attacks of a lunatic, and in her place is an alert, fully prepared woman. Curtis is just on fire here, turning in a performance that feels slightly similar to what Linda Hamilton did with Sarah Connor in Terminator 2. This is a human being who while possibly crazed in her own sort of way, has been through an ordeal that could traumatize at least 95% of people and change them for the worse. She's backed up this time around by an equally strong cast, including Judy Greer (Arrested Development) as her daughter and Andi Matichak (Orange is the New Black) as her granddaughter. Greer is usually on point, though I feel like it took me quite a bit of time to warm up to her considering that she seems relatively unenthused for the first few scenes that we see her in. Matichak's body of work is noticeably smaller than that of her costars, but her mannerisms and ability to elicit genuine fear (one sequence involving her in the back of a cop car will cause your chest to tighten) makes me hope that we see more from her in the future. We're also introduced to Dr. Ranbir Sartain, who serves as this film's new Dr. Loomis (so much so that Strode blatantly calls him that), and even though I felt like all he was doing was emulating a protagonist from the past, there are some fascinating aspects to his character that will take you by surprise.

To the surprise of absolutely nobody, Halloween doesn't skip out on the blood either. One thing to admire about Michael's (portrayed again by original actors Nick Castle and Tony Moran, as well as series newcomer James Jude Courtney) entire existence is just how "human" he appears to be in comparison to his slasher brethren. Well, at least if we discount some of the weirder shit that happens in the later entries, but I digress. He's often been compared to a force of nature, and this time around his ruthlessness is akin to that of a hurricane. On more than a couple of occasions, I managed to belt out the occasional "Jesus!" when he was disposing of any poor soul in his path, and the average theater attendee could be quite shocked seeing that the man who sat in the director's chair for Pineapple Express had this kind of brutal imagination inside of his head. There are throwbacks and nods to slayings from the o.g. movie, and some of the newer, gorier methods will probably find their way onto the next YouTube video that you scour for during those late evenings. It does beg the question as to just how bloody strong someone like this could be considering his age and how lengthy his internment was, but I'll just go with the obvious answer: it's a god damn horror movie. Besides, if the filmmakers had tried to tell the audience that he was constantly working out when not contemplating revenge, you would have either accused them of ripping off Cape Fear or just being silly. All of this morbidity comes to a head in an absolutely tense third act which could rival anything found in this year's horror standouts. All of these aforementioned moments are accompanied by an outstanding soundtrack provided by the wonderfully talented John Carpenter himself, and I'd be rather shocked if those who end up disliking this picture came out saying that they hated the music too. It's electrifying, creepy, and perfect for your next horror-themed get-together.


Is this newest entry in the Halloween franchise perfect? Absolutely not. In addition to those quips that I alluded to, there is some typical "stupid people in slashers" logic that pops up, though that's the norm with even the best of the bunch in this subgenre, and some folks might get a little irritated with just how much referencing there is to the films of yesteryear. However, 2018's Halloween still feels like the direct sequel that longtime, patient fans have deserved for so, so long. We've had a spectacular year for horror so far (and there's still a lot more to come), and David Gordon Green's first real foray into the horror genre comes out swinging......er, better make that "slashing." It's a damn fine reason to go to your local cineplex and be reminded of the power of scarier cinema, and also a firm reason for why I can never stray away from this morbid genre. Because if older properties can be rescued from the bottom of the barrel and given better treatment, then why stop?



Speaking of that, if there's any justice in the world, Dimension will finally let the rights for Hellraiser lapse as they did this, and we can see the world of the Cenobites restored to its former glory. I'll be waiting...



Tomorrow, I feel as though we need something a bit more lighthearted, so let's take a trip back to the first half of the 90s, shall we?

Unseen Terror 2018: Days 17 and 18

Alright, you know the deal. Strange hours at work, needing sleep, etc. Let's get on with it.

Oddly enough, the seventeenth day of this year's Unseen Terror did not kick off with my original choice for the marathon, and that was solely due to a last minute discovery. After a lengthy shift at my job, I had time to visit one of my local theaters and got a chance to rewatch a film that I had surprisingly not seen in quite a long time: the original Halloween from 1978. As I've stated before in the past, I'm not sure what else can be said about movies that are universally beloved by fans of this genre, and director John Carpenter's breakthrough hit is no exception. It's the closest thing to "perfect" that the slasher genre can ever hope to be, and even then it's far more tactical and well made than nearly every other picture it has inspired. Not much else to add to this one, so let's move on to something peculiar from Japan, shall we?

My familiarity with writer/director Sion Sono is not too great. I'm more than aware of his infamous film Suicide Club, but have yet to sit through the flick in its entirety. His only piece of work that I've managed to complete was 2015's extraordinarily hyper-violent and confusing Tag, which features arguably the best opening ten minutes that I've seen in any Japanese film, and also the most befuddling final act that I've seen in a very long time. Thankfully, Exte is a lot more normal compared to that flick, though considering that it precedes Tag by a good eight years, that's not entirely surprising. The plot revolves around an aspiring hairdresser named Yuko (portrayed by Chiaki Kuriyama of Battle Royale and Kill Bill fame) who begins to buy hair extensions off of a strange man who visits salons. Unbeknownst to her, these come from the body of a dead girl that he has stolen, who despite having passed away, continues to grow beautiful hair. In addition to this, everyone in possession of these locks can be driven to madness, or even murdered when acquiring them.


I went in to Exte (released over here as Exte: Hair Extensions) fully expecting some sort of odd body horror-inspired tale that would sport some rather frightening visuals. Indeed, I did get those in spades, but the most strongest aspects of Sono's script and style comes from the drama between Kuriyama's character and her older, capricious sister Kiyomi, who treats her eight-year-old daughter Mami like absolute dirt. It gets to a point where the child is essentially dumped at the flat of Yuko and her roommate, who can notice signs of emotional and physical abuse in Mami. You genuinely care for these protagonists and heroines, and fear for their own safety, be it from the world of the living or the dead when things begin to get bleak. That isn't to say that Exte is completely devoid of personality though, because it also gets to be weirdly comedic (bordering on parodic) at times. I do recall there being a select amount of moments throughout Tag that seemed to come out of nowhere and didn't fit the tone of that flick at all. Here, it's scenes involving the villain (note: I can now regrettably add "trichophiliac" to my list of words that I never wanted to know) breaking out into song while in his morgue and singing to a woman's corpse.


Though he doesn't exclusively provide content for this subgenre, Sono, for better or for worse, is trying his damnedest to do something different in the realm of J-Horror, which as far as I could tell hasn't been setting the world on fire as much as it did over a decade ago. Infusing absurd humor and a good family-driven storyline keeps movies like Exte fresh, and I'm recommending that those of you searching for something out of the ordinary go track this one down. However, if you're going to watch it, I highly encourage that you seek out the legitimate DVD released by Tokyo Shock, as the copy that I watched on a streaming service didn't exactly look like the most pristine of transfers.




Well, seeing as how I've now checked off yet another staple from my list qualifications, what do you say? Should we get yet another one done?

No, this isn't some made-for-TV reboot of Teen Wolf......wait, that actually happened? And it was on for HOW long?! Well shit.

Anyway, I've become accustomed to binging a few episodes here and there every year from the 1995 television series Goosebumps, and though the results have been rather mixed, they still make for a quick watch and are a bit of a breather for me in terms of not having to think too hard when crafting reviews. Before I ruined my own joke, I was going to point out that the screencap seen above is from "My Hairiest Adventure," which is the eleventh episode of the show's first season. I have zero memory of the book that this was based on, and truth be told, I'm not even sure that I got around to reading it. It took me approximately two minutes to realize that this was probably not a bad thing though, and it was also immediately noticeable that this was going to be the most "90s" of the batch that I would watch for day eighteen, as the only thing it's missing are a few "whoas" and a skater kid. The plot concerns a boy named Larry and his group of friends who discover an old bottle of tanning cream that seems to have rather strange side effects (i.e. hair growing in odd places) after they apply some to their bodies.


*sigh* Okay, before you ask: no, they do NOT make any puberty jokes in this entire episode. This was a show aimed primarily at preteens after all. Speaking of the kids though, I'm not terribly surprised that none of them went on to do much of anything after this. The character of Larry is just plain irritating, and the decision to have him narrate most of the story himself like a juvenile Ferris Bueller makes us wish for the end credits to appear as fast as humanly possible. This, combined with a painfully slow buildup and slightly predictable twist, makes what could've been a fun take on growing up into a fairly bland tale that was one laugh track short of being a cancelled Disney channel show. Meh.

Season two's "Attack of the Jack-O'-Lanterns" was up next, and unlike the previously mentioned ditty discussed above, I do vaguely recall this book, and recognized that this was referenced in the newest motion picture that's still out in theaters as of this writing. This time, the story is focused on Drew and Walker, who are sick of local rivals trying to constantly scare them. When Drew's friends from out of town visit, they offer to help them get a bit of revenge on Halloween night. Everything goes awry when two large beings with Jack-O'-Lanterns for heads come into the picture though.


The most interesting aspect of this episode is the presence of future voiceover favorite Erica Luttrell, who would go on to garner much attention for her performances in cartoons like Steven Universe and assorted DC Comics-related media. It also sports a fairly creepy (at least if you're a kid and utterly paranoid) nightmare sequence where an old couple locks trick-or-treaters in one of their rooms, and the design of the "Pumpkinheads" themselves look fairly cool, even if they have some Rita Repulsa-levels of cheese in their mannerisms. Couple that with the most ridiculous ending possible, and you have a kooky, silly little installment that could take a few of the younger viewers by surprise. Slightly dated, but not bad at all.

If I was going to wrap up this mini-marathon, I figured that it had to be done in style. And if I was unable to find such a thing in an old show like this, I could at least dig around to find an adaptation of one of my favorite stories from the books. Lo and behold, I came across "The Girl Who Cried Monster," which is the fourth episode of the series overall and considering how much I enjoyed the printed material that this was based on, surprised that I hadn't watched before. It's a fairly basic concept: Lucy Dark is obsessed with all things spooky and strange, and when she decides to stay after closing hours at her small town's library, she witnesses the librarian transform into a hideous creature. Rushing home, she tells her family, who don't believe a word of hers. Hell, she's tried to pull pranks like this on her younger brother, so why would they fall for it?


First thing's first: it's a damn shame that the actress who plays Lucy (Deborah Scorsone) appears to have not done anything else after this episode aired. She packs quite a bit of charm, and I think she could've at least been the next Katharine Isabelle if she continued working. On the opposite end of that spectrum, "monster" actor Eugene Lipinski, who would later appear in the television adaptation of forgotten (for a reason) 90s relic Animorphs, has quite an extensive body of work. He's also a hoot to watch, even if he seems to be going for a poor man's mixture of Donald Plesence (Halloween) and Jeffrey Combs (Re-Animator). The makeup effects on his transformed state look like something that you'd see as the first presentation on Face Off, but I'm willing to cut them some slack since it is an older children's show after all. What makes this story stand out is the surprisingly morbid ending, which is equal parts cheeky and dark. It's the most well-balanced of these three tales, and honestly one of the better episodes that I've watched from the series over the course of several years.





Tomorrow....well, look at this weekend's new releases. You can imagine what the review will be for.

Unseen Terror 2017: Day 19

Deputy Daniel Carter is out for a typical shift, but suddenly runs across a retreating drug addict in the road, who is injured and appears to be rather frantic and flustered. He takes the young man to a nearby hospital, where his ex-wife works as a nurse alongside various people with different professions, and due to a raging fire in the past, has been left largely abandoned. While the stranger recovers in one room, Daniel comes across one of the caretakers after she has murdered a patient for presumably no reason. He shoots her in self-defense once she begins to approach him with her weapon while spouting crazy rhetoric, but passes out from a seizure. After regaining consciousness, morbid and unusual incidents begin to occur around the vicinity, which include the appearance of several mysterious hooded figures outside, and the emergence of two men whose brief knowledge of these incidents, as well as their shocking recognition of the hospitalized junkie, could ensure their survival.



Can overhype kill a product for you?


Many a time has this thought crossed my mind, and more often than not, I've had to reply with a meek, slightly saddened "yeah." This initially occurred with 2008's Martyrs, of which I will admit to liking a lot more the second time after I watched it nearly ten years later. So, perhaps the same will be said with the Canadian production The Void, which has been garnering a lot of critical praise, though not without some detractors along the way. And today, I guess that I have to count myself as someone sort of stuck in the middle.


The Void came into existence through popular crowdfunding website Indiegogo, where it amassed a fairly good goal of $82,510. I can respect the pseudo-DIY aesthetic of films such as this one, along with predecessors such as The Deadly Spawn and the relatively-recent "The Death of Superman Lives." I also admire the filmmakers' decision to stick with the much more engrossing and flat-out creepier choice of utilizing practical effects over CGI. Despite not adhering to the belief that computers can't produce scares or thrills, I'm still unapologetically attached to what I grew up with. It gives this little production a great sense of style, with an emphasis on upping the insanity to a level that the average viewer may not normally be able to comprehend (and distracts from a messy plot). The Void is also shot fairly well, choosing to keep its more suspenseful sequences/monster revelations as dimly-lit as it can (though its smaller budget may have played a part in that), and they manage to capture the mood of something straight out of the latter half of the 1980s.


So with all of those working in its favor, why did it stumble for someone such as myself? I suppose that a large portion of that comes down to two quite important aspects that made its influences so beloved. The first is its cast, and what The Void has in visually-pleasing treats, it sorely lacks in the character department. Nobody here feels particularly memorable, or even remotely developed. There's the typical main hero with a tortured past (who's combined with another cliché in the form of the perplexed cop), his ex who he may or may not still be on good terms with, a stranger who knows more about this scenario than he is letting on, and many more that just kind of left me feeling as if they forgot to flesh them out before shooting began. Kudos for digging Ellen Wong of Scott Pilgrim vs. the World fame out of obscurity though. The second is that even with penning such a great love letter to the movies of yesteryear, it just feels like blatant pandering for most of its running time. Yes, we know that Prince of Darkness and From Beyond are pretty cool, but if you're just looking for a mishmash of John Carpenter and H.P. Lovecraft, there's already a film out there than did this a lot better and (somehow) had a less confusing narrative to boot. Had The Void been given a wide release, the field day that someone such as RedLetterMedia would have with it would have been grandiose. If all that your product manages to accomplish is make you wish that you were watching those flicks over your own, then I'm not quite certain as to whether that's a good thing or not. Nostalgia worship is fine, but as I said in my review for Death Machine, it does get to be a bit much way sooner than it should.


Ultimately, The Void is an eye-catching, though fairly hollow motion picture that doesn't have a great deal more to offer once you take away its effects work and Lovecraftian imagery. I've always said that what good is a delicious-looking three course meal if the food itself tastes fairly average? I genuinely feel bad saying anything negative about passion projects, especially if the intentions were good and you can tell that those behind the camera really know and love their field. But in the end, I just kept asking myself about why I wasn't just watching one of those many influences instead of this. Maybe a second screening down the line will make me change my mind. As of October 2017, The Void is available to view on Netflix and is readily available for purchase on DVD and Blu-ray.



Just don't make the mistake of going for that other motion picture with a similar-sounding title instead. That's a different kind of frightening.




Tomorrow, we stick around in 2017 and decide to grab ourselves some sweets of the more sinister variety!

Unseen Terror 2016: Day 18

Paleontologist Kate Lloyd is contacted by one Dr. Sander Halvorson, who requests that she join him and his assistant in examining something unusual that has been unearthed by a Norwegian research crew in the coldest reaches of Antarctica. Though initially reluctant, she does agree to join, and upon arrival, finds out that the magnitude of this discovery was certainly not exaggerated: the collective has stumbled upon a space ship buried underneath the ground. Stranger yet, the group reveals the remains of what appears to be an extraterrestrial that is frozen in a block of ice. Taking the still-encased body back to the base for studying, it isn't long before they are made aware of the creature's vital signs still being active, as it breaks free and begins slaughtering anything it comes into contact with. Even worse is the fact that it seems to be more than capable of assimilating and impersonating living, breathing material. The remaining members start to contemplate about who is still real, and who is secretly sporting terrifying, inhuman features.

Well, it is time for me to say something that will undoubtedly ruffle a few feathers: 2011's The Thing, a prequel to John Carpenter's 1982 remake of The Thing from Another World, which can be categorized as yet another adaptation of the influential story known as "Who Goes There?," is not that bad of a movie.

Phew. Now that I have gotten that off of my chest, let's get to the actual review, shall we?

When news first broke of an update related to the aforementioned John Carpenter classic coming to theaters, the internet was ready to unleash the purest form of hell upon those dared to touch such a sacred, beloved treasure. Heck, I will admit that I was one of them myself, as that movie holds a special place in my heart, and I would even be willing to go so far as to say that it is firmly in the personal list of my ten favorite horror flicks of all time. The question that remained on everyone's mind (other than "WHYYY?!") was whether this particular release will serve as a precursor to that picture or would be yet another reinterpretation. As it turns out, The Thing is a mixture of about ninety percent of the former, and ten percent of the latter. It sets out to expand the mythos and specialties of the alien creature itself, but isn't above throwing in some homages to its forefather. Do all of these revelations and facts come together to make a perfect film? Well, it's certainly far from achieving such a feat, but it isn't without some positives to talk about.

Cast-wise, there are some very commendable leads that were chosen to take part in this. I don't think that a day will come when I don't sing the praises of the ever-so-talented Mary Elizabeth Winstead (Scott Pilgrim vs. the World, 10 Cloverfield Lane), and though her character Kate lacks the bravado or general coolness of Kurt Russell's protagonist from thirty years before, she does do a commendable job with the role and seems genuinely invested in this project. Joel Edgerton (Warrior, Zero Dark Thirty) isn't too bad either, though you do wish that he received more screen time when the moment arrives for the whole shebang to wrap up. Sadly, the rest of the list of performers feels very interchangeable and readily available to swap out with one another. Kudos goes to making the wise choice to cast actual Norwegian or Scandinavian actors in these supporting roles (and for having most of them speak their native tongue without the addition of subtitles), but the fact that many are given such a small amount of dialogue or moments to establish a distinguishable personality does make for a disappointment, and gives off the impression that most of these guys are just to be meat for the beast.

One aspect of The Thing that caught my attention during its shooting process was the revelation of practical effects serving as the primary means of scaring the audience. If you have never seen John Carpenter's 1982 vision (and if you haven't, go buy the bloody thing already), some of its most memorable highlights come from the absolutely nightmarish designs of the monster and subsequent effects surrounded or caused by it. Most, if not all of these creations can be attributed to the extremely talented Rob Bottin, who though retired, leaves behind an incredible legacy in the realm of science fiction and horror. Even in an age where computer-generated material seems to be the norm for studios to settle with, those works still hold up tremendously well and can cause your stomach to twist into a knot under the right circumstances. Much to my shock and utter sadness, the efforts put in by his replacements (Alec Gillis and Tom Woodruff Jr. of Amalgamated Dynamics) are completely covered over and replaced by an ugly coat of CGI paint. From what I have gathered and heard, the studio felt that these transformations did not look frightening or convincing enough to scare audiences, even though I would strongly argue that the physical presence of animatronics and practical effects usually garners better performances and spirit from the cast and crew in the long run. The picture is brought down so darn much by this idiotic move, as no matter how creative the actual conceptions may look to viewers, they come across as extremely fake, cheap, and ridiculous when handled in this manner. It strikes me as no surprise that this sort of tampering was what ultimately made those in the technical department move towards spearheading and completing a film that was more akin to what they had in mind for entertaining the fans.

There are other tinier aspects to note about The Thing that keep one's interest from completely waning. As previously mentioned, there are some nice nods that pop up towards the middle and later portions of the flick, such as the idea of gathering the group together so that they may take a blood test in order to discover who is human and who isn't. Interestingly enough, they also bring up the revelation that this entity can not assimilate or imitate inorganic material, so they ask to check the fillings inside of people's mouths. The paranoia factor can still be felt throughout, but cutting the tension with a knife isn't as easy to do this time around as one hoped it would be. There are also several scenes which involve the exploration and examination of its space craft, though I do believe that giving away too much of its interior layout or schematics spoils the mystique of the terrifying antagonist. Lastly, it does pack a rather fitting soundtrack that features portions of a score which would make original composter Ennio Morricone proud (courtesy of Scream and Hellboy veteran Marco Beltrami). It's a nice bonus to hear snippets of THIS track appear towards the beginning and end as well. Still, it does feel like it borders on pandering, and some will just end up wanting to re-watch the 1982 story instead.

If you go into 2011's The Thing with an open mind, and are willing to just judge it on its own with zero bias or expectations, the whole picture is nowhere near as terrible as your more hardcore friends made it out to be. Unfortunately, it is still seriously flawed and morphs into more of a standard monster movie during its final third, though as stated above, I would attribute most of those problems and creative differences to studio interference and a lack of understanding of what made the 1980s version so respected and revered. As it stands, it might anger some to even admit that this film exists, but it doesn't really do much to help or harm Carpenter's iteration. It's perfectly fine and is just kind of.....there. So, perhaps it is time to calm down and maybe, JUST MAYBE, give it a try if you are even mildly curious or willing to let your guard down for two hours. Much like its thirty-year-old predecessor (well, technically sequel?), this is readily available to purchase on DVD and Blu-Ray in most establishments that carry such things.

And hey, even if you end up thoroughly despising it, know that it is FAR from the worst movie that handled a project originally concocted and helmed by Mr. Carpenter himself. That distinct dishonor belongs to THIS steaming pile of garbage.

Tomorrow, it's time to head back to the 1980s! Seeing as how I haven't eaten much today myself, I sure could go for something fried. Maybe even some fritters.....

Unseen Terror 2014: Day 7

One random day, a silent thug named Han-ki notices a beautiful young woman conversing with her boyfriend on the streets. Though she stares at this man as if he were a lowly, filthy dog, he forces himself on to the woman in broad daylight, kissing her intensely while her boyfriend struggles to break up the embrace. With the help of nearby soldiers, she breaks free and he is publicly beaten, and thusly humiliated. Shortly thereafter, Han-ki sets out to ruin her life, eventually forcing her into a life of prostitution. And yet, through all of this sudden darkness and embarrassment, why can he not stop obsessing over and protecting a woman who has wronged him so?


Okay, now THIS was a mistake. Yesterday, I was pleasantly surprised by my viewing of 2010's Bedevilled, a film that one could argue isn't a true horror movie, but more of a thriller. Whatever you choose to call it, the picture was remarkably made and at times, very disturbing. Unlike the former, however, director Kim Ki-duk's Bad Guy, is not a horror movie. At all. The best comparison would be a dark, eerily romantic drama. I will confess to being lead astray and just plain bamboozled when I read the synopsis off of the DVD that I purchased from a now-defunct Blockbuster Video quite some time ago.


So because of that, I feel that I owe those of you taking the time to read any of this year's entries a real horror movie review. And with that, I can just sum this picture up with these next few sentences. The movie is more of a twisted, and yet oddly poetic take on voyeurism and stockholm syndrome, with almost disturbingly realistic portrayals of pimps, gangsters, and whores occupying its cast. It's well-directed and well-acted, though it can be hard to keep up with, especially with how slow it moves. Overall, it seems like one of many pictures that I would have caught years ago at a random screening in an independent theater. You'll either like the film a lot for uniquely provocative and sucking you into a very strange love story, or find it misogynistic, boring, and at times nonsensical. I'll have to get back to you guys in a few days so that I may tell you where I officially stand.



But let's move on to a real horror movie now, shall we?

During a visit to the morgue, a rather ghastly-looking coroner tells us of three different tales of terror for any unexpected visitors who have decided to drop in. The first revolves about a young woman's inaugural night working at her new, mostly isolated gas station job. Our second story focuses on an older man obsessed with keeping what hair he has on the top of his head left, and possibly gaining more, regardless of what the cost may be. Finally, our third segment will take us into the life of a once-promising baseball player who has received an experimental eye transplant after a car accident claimed one of his own, though calling this procedure a "success" might not be the most accurate of descriptions. 


Thank goodness for John Carpenter and Tobe Hooper. Interestingly enough, I had actually planned on viewing their horror anthology Body Bags much later during the month. As my own incompetence would have it though, it shot itself higher up on the list, mostly being used as a remedy and apology for the film above (not that Bad Guy is a terrible film). And besides, even at their absolute worst (*coughVillage of the Damned, The Manglercough*), the masters behind Halloween, The Thing, Poltergeist, and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre among others, can still manage to conjure up something watchable.


Right off the bat, I could tell that Body Bags wasn't meant to be taken too seriously, harking back to classic television shows from the 1980s such as "Tales From the Crypt" and "Tales From the Darkside." Not surprisingly, this was originally pitched to the Showtime Network back in 1993 as a newer horror-based television show, but the channel and its executives at the time decided against picking it up for syndication. This desire and adoration for the aforementioned programs is made all the more present by John Carpenter himself playing our host, covered in three hours' worth of makeup, and only identified as "The Coroner" during the closing credits. He is appropriately kooky, spouting off the occasional one-liner and really corny pun, though thankfully it doesn't become overkill as it would with the now-infamous pop culture icon that we've all come to know as "The Cryptkeeper." Don't get me wrong folks, I respect and dig that ghoulish little freak, but he doesn't exactly age well (pun intended I suppose), and most of the jokes uttered by him age about as well as a moldy bag of fruit.


Moving on and diving into the stories themselves, our first one up is entitled "The Gas Station," which takes place in the fictional town of Haddonfield, Illinois (location of the first Halloween movie!), and revolves around a newly-employed woman being incredibly cautious during her first night at work, especially after her fellow coworker has informed her of a serial killer having broken out recently. Despite some decent blood and makeup work, and the cinematography helping convey a good sense of paranoia, the first segment is honestly the weakest of the three. It's a bit too formulaic and predictable, coming across as something from a leftover weekend writing session. Hell, it even features a small sequence of Carpenter recycling his own material (Halloween's blurred "fake out" shot), which is just odd to behold coming from someone of this caliber. Mostly skippable.


I can most likely discuss "Hair" and "Eye," the final two segments in Body Bags, within this same paragraph. Both feature our recognizable leads (Stacy Keach, Mark Hamill) receiving transplants that seem out of the ordinary (a hairpiece, an eyeball), both feature said leads' girlfriends and/or wives initially becoming marveled with the miracles of modern science, if not a little upset after some time has passed and their personalities have become slightly warped, and both stories lead to shocking revelations about where these new body parts emigrated from. Though I think that both of the final pieces of this compilation are worthwhile and adequately made, "Hair" takes the gold medal as the most entertaining story, solely based on Stacy Keach's delightfully fun and amusing performance as a man who marginally resembled my own father (at least during the height of his "rock and roll" period), but is far more frightened of going bald than any person that I've ever known. His doctor is played by the always excellent David Warner, who could read excrement from the likes of Danielle Steel and still make it sound awesome. Mark Hamill is the lead in "Eye," and he isn't too shabby either given that he has to convey many more emotions than Keach does during his tale, but I have to deduct points from it for one single thing: I have never, EVER wanted to see Luke Skywalker's bare naked ass. Thank you gentlemen. I'll go wash my eyes out with bleach and napalm now.


One more positive about this fun little anthology is its abundance of notable cameos, particularly from the horror and "cult" film genres. I wouldn't have a problem disclosing some of them now, but I have invested far too much time tonight watching films and working at my store. Okay, that's a fancy way of me saying that I'm very tired and want to go to sleep as soon as humanly possible. It's disappointing that Body Bags didn't make the cut for Showtime and become a regular, recurring show for them. It's even worse that we never saw a followup feature with more assorted stories. But for now, you can enjoy the film free of charge on internet sites such as Youtube. And if you end up grabbing a bag of popcorn, a twelve pack of beer, and a few open-minded friends, you can even order the recently-released Blu-Ray of the film from any retail store or internet shopping network, complete with interviews and several commentary tracks!



But as I said above, you'll have to look at Mark Hamill's behind. And in HD for that matter. *shudder*



Tomorrow, I ignore a motion picture's own advice, as I choose to view Don't Go In The Woods!