Unseen Terror 2024: I'd Like to Stop Coughing Please (Days 12-15)

I’m still sick. I’m so tired of dry coughing (with the occasional bit o’ mucus). That type of stuff tends to suck your energy out. Anyways, let’s get these over with.

 

When assembling this year’s list, adding 2024’s Imaginary was more out of morbid curiosity than anything else. It’s reportedly maintained a firm position on many fans’ “worst of 2024” lists, even though we still have 2.5 months left in the year. After sitting through it myself, I can absolutely see why. The movie centers around a women returning to a childhood home  and her stepdaughter forms a bond with a stuffed bear named “Chauncey” that she finds in the house, and it becomes her close imaginary friend. Shockingly, things don’t go well, and it turns out maybe there’s some nefarious stuff going on with and/or around the bear. Imaginary is a Blumhouse “FUCK YOU, IT’S JANUARY” movie (only this came out in March instead). The dialogue feels like something out of a first draft script, and nobody bothered to tweak anything to make it remotely scary or create any likeable characters (side note: stop writing kids as idiots in horror movies. Save that for when they become delirious teenagers, because it’s slightly more realistic). There is a twist around the midway point that had me groaning through my coughing (along with perhaps the most hilariously stupid line ever uttered by a fictional child therapist) and turned it from a poor man’s Child’s Play rip-off to a poor man’s “every supernatural-based movie” rip-off. The worst sin of them all is that the whole experience is shockingly boring, but given writer/director Jeff Wadlow’s track record, perhaps my faith was misguided.

 

I just want to end that mini-review by stating that I don’t hate Blumhouse Productions at all. When they manage to hit a home run, it’s goddamn great. But when they misfire? Well, it’s uuuuuugggglllyyy. I would like an explanation as to why they chose to have this released to theaters, but previously chose to dump another one of their flicks (the more audience-friendly and joyous Totally Killer) straight-to-streaming instead. Come on guys, what are we doing here?

 

 

Spirit Halloween: The Movie is exactly what I thought it would be: preteens trapped inside of a haunted retail store that basically serves as a gigantic advertisement for the seasonal store chain that seems to pop up in the darnedest places every September. Look, I’m definitely not the target audience for this, but I suppose that if you have young kids who refuse to watch any other “family friendly” horror films pre-2000 (which c’mon, at least try Hocus Pocus or even The Monster Squad if you’re feeling gutsy), then you could throw this on. Otherwise, you’re better off just walking into an actual Spirit store and exploring the products yourself. Very cheeky (if not kind of sad) that this “kids stuck in a haunted house” take is filmed inside of what appeared to be a defunct Toys R Us though. Also, Christopher Lloyd is here. Good to see him still working after the catastrophic picture that was Foodfight!

 

I was a little surprised (and disappointed) to find that 2013’s horror anthology All Hallows Eve is mostly just repurposed and reused footage from director Damien Leone’s shorts that originally introduced modern day slasher Art the Clown to the world of mainstream horror. I also didn’t realize that Art was never portrayed by the same performer for every on-screen appearance he’s had. From what I understand, the original actor Mike Giannelli just wasn’t a fan of the lengthy makeup process that it takes to create the villain, so he chose not to return and has essentially all but retired from acting (though reportedly remains on good terms with Leone & co.). Anyways, the story focuses on a babysitter and two kids who have returned from trick-or-treating with an unmarked VHS tape in their bag. The babysitter puts it on, and we’re subjected to three stories (all of which involve Art the Clown in some way). The first segment is a nonsensical mess that includes a woman being sexually assaulted by a person in a bad-looking Satan costume and another one having their unborn child cut out of their stomach by witches. Sounds nastier than it is, but it’s mostly clunky. The second is a home invasion story with a new homeowner being terrorized by an alien that likely got its entire wardrobe from Party City. The third (and arguably the best) of the segments is the closest one you’re going to get to an actual Terrifier story because it literally IS the original Terrifier short from 2011. It has some nice gore and makeup, but that’s about it. This short’s version of Art seems to be more of an incel too. The whole flick wraps up with a cute “fourth wall break” of a finale, but I’d say that this is only for Leone and/or Art completists.

 

Day 15’s film is technically cheating but considering that you can log the entire shebang on letterboxd (and it ultimately amounts to around 85-90 minutes), I’m throwing it on here anyway. Plus, any chance that I get to finally track down something that eluded me as a teenager is always a pleasure. 1999’s Pet Shop of Horrors is a 4-episode adaptation of the cult favorite manga from the mid-1990s.  It’s specifically what is classified as a “Josei” manga, which essentially means its target audience is adult women (though not exclusively). The stories tend to be a bit more mature, with romance and even horror taking a nice seat up front. Enter Pet Shop of Horrors, a horror anthology that I became aware of upon its initial release date in the U.S. but was never able to obtain for assorted reasons. (a.k.a. I didn’t have enough friends at the time who were also into horror). It’s an anthology story focusing on an eccentric proprietor named “Count D,” and his strange pet shop located in Chinatown, California. Sure, the stylish and soft-spoken D sells your normal birds, cats, and dogs, but for anyone with more “pressing needs” who desires an animal, there are special exceptions. Some of these pets may even appear human, but any interested parties MUST follow the very strict rules applied to said acquisitions. After all, if any are broken, the shop and its owner are not responsible for what happens. The stories range from deranged to tragic, and every episode has involvement by esteemed veterans in the anime field (Ninja Scroll creator Yoshiaki Kawajiri does the storyboard for standout segment “Despair”). Though there is some bloodshed here and there, there’s no over-the-top gore or anything of that nature. It’s just a lot of supernatural weirdness coated with sins and desires. It’s like Tales from the Crypt with a dash of The Twilight Zone and “hosted” by an androgynous shop owner with a sweet tooth for human curiosities (and chocolate!). There’s a fun overlapping story with a cop named Leon who’s been paying close attention to all the strange deaths across the city and his relationship with Count D almost recalls something from the likes of Thomas Harris novels (though in that case we know Harris’ antagonists are killers, whereas D is just…well, a person who sells animals). I haven’t read the Pet Shop of Horrors manga, but I’m quite curious to see how this would have developed over time.

 

If you have an open mind and a taste for horror anime, go watch this however you can. Be forewarned though: the dub for PSoH is TERRIBLE. I’ve defended the usage of dubbing when it comes to anime, but the misunderstanding of this source material means that we get a lot of oafish and loud deliveries, and it changes the eerie nature of the whole thing into something resembling a ‘B’ movie. Just baffling. Maybe just shill out a few bucks for the dual-language DVD or Blu-Ray instead. Or, if we're lucky enough, perhaps we'll see a new, updated remake like we've seen for old anime/manga like Ranma 1/2.

Unseen Terror 2016: Day 17

Unless you have been living under a rock for the past twenty-five years, I don't believe that The Simpsons' yearly special known as "Treehouse of Horror" needs any sort of proper introduction. And as I discussed yesterday, I seem to apply new rules and guidelines to Unseen Terror more than I realize. Given how I felt about last year's installment, and with the addition of this being the television show's six-hundredth episode (it falls just right below Japan's Sazae-san for the longest-running animated program in history), I figured that we were in for a real special treat that would be able to reward even those who have tuned out quite a number of years ago.


"Treehouse of Horror XXVII" opens with our titular family shopping for a Christmas tree, only to suddenly be confronted by a number of series antagonists from throughout the years, including the ghost of Homer's enemy Frank Grimes. I've always loved good ol' Grimey, as he served as a nice encapsulation of the constant critiquing the show has received from day one about how there is no way in hell that somebody as idiotic as Homer can accomplish as much as he does, and how posh his life is compared to everyone else's. As fun as it was to see him return, this prologue does ultimately feel like a waste though, even with bringing him back alongside of Kelsey Grammer's Sideshow Bob (who gets maybe ten seconds total to speak). Also, why in the world was Kang the Alien unable to speak English this time around, opting to just screech instead? On the plus side, it is followed by an amusing couch gag which pays tribute to Planet of the Apes.


Our first segment is titled "Dry Hard," and begins as a parody of The Hunger Games film series before descending into one that is closer in tone and visual appeal to last year's righteously great Mad Max: Fury Road. Despite some funny gags that pop up once in a while (whenever a person dies and their name is hoisted up on a big screen with something amusing underneath it), this felt so extremely lazy. It also begs the question of what does this have to do with Halloween or scary movies, but they seem to have given up on those associations and ties years ago. Luckily, "BFF R.I.P." is an amusing second story that feels very reminiscent of some of the yearly episode's earlier years, as it deals with Lisa seemingly having horrible luck with keeping anyone alive who claims to be her "best friend." It also gives us some solid Homer lines such as "Jeez, who would've thought a funeral for two kids would be so depressing?" Had this closed out the entire thing, I would have been able to cut the whole experience some slack, but they unfortunately follow it up with a James Bond & Kingsman parody titled "MoeFinger," which, to be as polite as I can be here, SUCKS. Given the seasonal tradition that these are supposed to have some sort of relation to horror or even science fiction, what sense did it make shoving this in here? Absolutely nothing works, failing to elicit even a quarter of a chuckle. Worse yet, as someone who can't stand musical acts such as Steely Dan (but can appreciate a fun Simpsons cameo), the fact that they wasted time and money on dragging the band's co-founder Don Fagen out for a five second appearance is just baffling. The episode closes out with a Tina Turner-lite song celebrating the show's longevity, which is charming until they take not-so-subtle shots at cancelled shows such as The Critic and Futurama. Say what you will about the former outstaying its welcome too, but at least it had the common decency to know when its end had finally arrived.


For such a monumental milestone, the newest entry in The Simpsons' "Treehouse of Horror" series, which is usually a standout even among weaker seasons, is extremely disappointing. Though I know that I am just one lowly soul who spends too much of his time on the internet and watching films of varying quality, it's my opinion that it is time to allow Fox's cash cow to bow out and end with some dignity left intact. At this point, the show has been reaching levels of awfulness longer and far more often than it has the opposite, and that is depressing for older folks such as myself. Though I'm sure that your local cable provider has the option for audiences to watch this as soon as they want to (as will websites such as Simpsons World), it's probably better to just ignore this one and move on with your daily lives.

I consider the seventeenth year of my existence on this planet to be the absolute pinnacle of my geekdom. It was one of my last years of being a devout fan of professional wrestling, as I would take a break from regular viewing by 2004, only sporadically tuning in whenever there was a Royal Rumble or (sadly) a wrestler passing away. Of course, this would change again for the better in 2010, but I digress. Coincidentally, I also believe that it was the last truly great year for my beloved aforementioned series The Simpsons. But, most importantly, it was when this unapologetic nerd was fully immersed in the realm of Japanese animation. I was adamant that viewing any and every piece of work out there was vital to my well being, and it got fanatical enough to where I even attended my first convention (Baltimore's Otakon) dedicated to it in 2002. Much like I do these days with graphic novels, I tended to follow certain creators rather than entire studios or companies. One such writer that always attracted my attention was Mr. Yoshiaki Kawajiri, whose creations such as Ninja Scroll and Vampire Hunter D: Bloodlust assisted in exposing me to darker, more mature material outside of say, Dragon Ball or Sailor Moon (yeah, I watched the latter. FIGHT ME). He also co-founded animation studio Madhouse, who helped many folks besides myself look beyond the realms of normalcy by distributing classics such as Trigun, and modern day hits such as High School of the Dead, Claymore, and Death Note. Most of their works are ones that I strongly recommend even to those who are apathetic about this niche genre, as they are chock full of wonderful creativity, unique action, memorable casts, and a ton of heart.

So, how does 1995's Bio Hunter, a story about two biologists who tackle virus-infected humans with demonically-enhanced powers, all while trying to combat some darker urges themselves, compare to all of those I had previously mentioned? Well, for starters, it opens with a lady's left breast spouting a nasty mouth, which proceeds to bite off and swallow a man's hand. Folks, you can't say that the Japanese aren't creative with their gore (go watch Tokyo Gore Police or The Machine Girl if you disagree). Sadly, the OVA begins to slowly slide downhill from then on, with nearly all of its problems firmly keeping it stuck in the mud for an all too brief sixty minute running time. None of the characters are especially interesting, and are given nowhere near the amount of time to grow attached to them. When we discover that one of our protagonists is infected with the same "demon virus" early on that permeates throughout the blood of others (calling this ailment by such a nickname is akin to calling your gym "Super Workout Place"), we raise an eyebrow or so, but he's still a fairly replaceable hero. Hell, the primary villain introduced during the second half feels like your average douchebag politician character in every form of media out there. Even though the pedigree of its voice cast does look extremely impressive on paper, Bio Hunter also suffers from being the recipient of some rather lifeless dubbing. In its defense, however, this was recorded and mixed during that awkward time period when a majority of actors didn't know whether to take anime seriously or not, as they were most likely certain that this would end up as a 90s-centric fad that would burn out just as quickly as it started. But hey, we do get the underrated line of "There's so much that science can't explain." Perhaps someone at U.S. production company Urban Vision is a creationist?


Bio Hunter isn't necessarily bad, but it feels almost instantly forgettable. Had there been a stronger focus on fleshing out a more complex, deeper story and less on making it cool or "edgy," then I think this could have been classified as a special, hidden gem. With a larger budget and more time, the OVA could have made for a fun television series, and it certainly wouldn't be too late to start considering how wide and varied the world of manga and anime are. As it stands, it feels like a dollar store version of Kawajiri's prior work Wicked City, which dealt with similar concepts and featured many of the same staples he throws into every piece he completes (tentacles, odd couple partnerships, body horror). The DVD and VHS are (unsurprisingly) out of print and will cost you a pretty penny if you wish to add them to your collection, though it is readily available to watch on nearly any website such as YouTube.



In fact, I think I'll take the risk and just post it below. Besides, you can always just watch for the first ninety seconds and stop, just to see the boob mouth.

Oh, and before I wrap this one up, would anyone be interested in me doing a mini-marathon one day devoted to exclusively "anime" horror? Please let me know. Because I totally think that I'll do it.




Tomorrow, it's time to cross off another requirement from my unofficial list of rules, as I tackle a particular remake from the past few years that I somehow forgot existed. Will is leave me feeling cold? If that's the case, man is always the warmest place to hide...

Dragon Ball Z: Resurrection 'F' (2015) Movie Review

Many years ago, the evil space overlord Freeza paid a visit to the planet Earth in the hopes that he would find and destroy the one who defeated him previously: the "Super Saiyan" known as Son Goku. Instead, he would meet his demise at the hands of a young man known as Trunks, a half-saiyan who had come to the past to warn us of a larger, greater threat. Much time has passed, and while the tyrant suffers in the bowels of hell, a small pocket of his remaining forces and servants have gathered the dragon balls with the hope of reviving their master. Once his restoration is complete, the universe's greatest evil plots for revenge, but only after he can achieve a new level of strength in which to combat his enemies.



It just dawned on me: it's been twenty years. Mind you, not since we last dove into the fantastical and bizarre world of Dragon Ball, but it's been two decades since my first exposure to the initial thirteen episode run (originally distributed here by Canada's Ocean Productions) of said Japanese franchise. It had all the wonders of similar properties that I was fond of at the time, such as Power Rangers and X-Men, but there was something magical and uniquely amusing about creator Akira Toriyama's take on the old Chinese novel "Journey To The West." Without a care in the world, I've never looked back in anger or shame and have been proud to call myself a fan since that time in my life. My goodness, I've even contemplated getting tattoos to commemorate my fanaticism, which is an idea that outside of Godzilla, I haven't even reserved for other geeky niches of mine.


And yet, never in my wildest dreams did I think that there would be several new pieces of animation created throughout the first several years of the 21st century revolving around Son Goku and his friends. In 2008, the short film Dragon Ball: Yo! Son Goku and His Friends Return was released as a tribute to the weekly anthology "Shonen Jump," which is where the series got its initial start. It was fun and sweet, though somewhat forgettable. Five years later, we received a full-length motion picture titled Dragon Ball Z: Battle Of Gods, a charming piece of nostalgia that also served as the first piece of continuity in the realm of cinema for the series (previous entries were, to put it lightly, incredibly difficult to fit into the series' timeline and of varying quality). So what better way to follow up Dragon Ball's glorious return than with another trip down memory lane, albeit with a very familiar, sinister face?


In terms of familiar faces, most of the cast from Battle Of Gods returns, including its previous antagonists Beerus and Whis, and some newer faces such as Freeza henchman Sorbet, a blue, diminutive homage to old accomplices such as Piano (from Dragon Ball). Sadly, a small portion of the "post-Freeza" heroes are conspicuously absent from Resurrection 'F'. The lack of Trunks, Goten, and Mr. Satan might be disappointing to some, but it imbues the movie with a more distinctive feel, giving us the indication that this is a natural followup to the saga that seemed to take an eternity to wrap up when it first aired. For longtime fans such as myself, I don't see why any single person would complain about seeing Tenshinhan or Master Roshi get a little bit of time to shine and fight, especially considering how any person who was a pure-blooded human being got the shaft after the aforementioned arc had come to a conclusion (just as any woman who had served her purpose in the series became a mother and stopped participating in anything dangerous). There's also the introduction of a recent and rather funny creation of series mastermind Akira Toriyama in the form of Jaco The Galactic Patrolman, who assists in providing a great chunk of the lighthearted humor that permeates throughout its ninety three minute running time. Still, if you aren't familiar with the character's prior existence (if I'm not mistaken, this is his first animated appearance in anything outside of video games), his inclusion may seem puzzling or shoehorned in for anyone who isn't a diehard fan.


To the chagrin of some of my own friends, I've always been fairly outspoken about my dislike for the dubbed versions of Dragon Ball, as it just wasn't what I grew up with or what I was accustomed to (even the Ocean Dub seemed a little off to me after I discovered the Japanese version on the obscure Maryland television station known as The International Channel). No one should hold grudges over something so petty though, as I've grown to just accept them for what they are, and the Japanese audio is just as readily available these days for older folks like me anyway. In retrospect, it's actually a good thing that importing fansubbed VHS tapes is a thing of the past now, especially in this economy that we live in. Chris Ayres is just as good at voicing Freeza as original performer Ryusei Nakao was. He gets the character, and he understands his nuances and personality while still managing to not go too overboard unless the end is nigh or he's been angered to the brink of insanity. Kyle Hebert is a fine Son Gohan too, as are Master Roshi and (personal favorite) Pilaf's voice actors. I'm still not sold on the choices they made for Son Goku, Vegeta, or Piccolo (for western actors, Scott McNeil is my favorite for the latter), but again, power to the people that like them and also grew up with those the same way that I grew up with mine. My years of being a complete snob about Funimation's cast are dying a slow death.


Combat-wise, nothing in Dragon Ball Z: Resurrection 'F' has the same impact as some of the more memorable moments of the various series (Son Goku's first battles with Piccolo and Vegeta, the first Super Saiyan transformation for Son Goku, Vegetto v. Majin Buu), but there are a small handful of scenes that will stick with you for at least the following few days after you've left the theater. They are animated exceptionally well and thought out as if it were a real motion picture, with every combatant present in the film getting a time to shine and most of the blows being dealt fast, but not too fast. A common complaint about the franchise is also tossed aside as not every sequence is overloaded with energy blasts to the point where you can't see what is happening. Hell, when characters such as Jaco and even the Turtle Hermit leave you beaming with excitement and wanting to thrust your fist up in happiness, you know that you've done something right. Fans of the entire Dragon Ball canon (not just DBZ) will likely be able to appreciate the structure and layout of these fights more than the casual Dragon "Bro" fan.


It isn't likely to convert any new fans, but Dragon Ball Z: Resurrection 'F' is an unabashed love letter to the older and/or more established fans anyway. I mean, my Kami, we even had an on-screen introduction from the folks at Funimation, complete with behind the scenes footage and trivia with the voice actors, that played before the flick began. If that isn't genuine love for its audience, then what is? During the same week where our animated heroes will be combatting the forces of Tom Cruise and a superhero franchise going through yet another reboot, it seemingly may not stand much of a chance. Mind you, that is solely at first glance. Perhaps the main reason as to why I would recommend that you see this on a larger screen is not just because it's a good deal of fun for any fan of any age, but because there's a good possibility of this film's success ensuring that we get more of these released theatrically in the future. Though it only grossed $9.3 million in the United States, we fans are still trying to get the taste of that OTHER Dragon Ball movie out of out mouths, and I'm sure that we can show the naysayers over here that it can be done well when it's done with honest adoration and effort.



Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go download this little gem of a song and play it over and over until my ears bleed and I need Shenron to repair my hearing.