I'm choosing to fill a small part of the gray area in my life with random reviews from the realms of cinema, music, and more things that are generally looked down upon by society. And you've chosen to read them apparently.
Peaking this early is usually unheard of whenever I do this silly marathon.
I suppose that expecting quality from one of horror's most underappreciated artists was a given, but I still don't think that I was ready forLucio Fulci's The Beyond. Being more than familiar with the man's body of work, this has somehow slipped though my fingers every time that I tried to watch it. Whether it was due to bad timing, the physical copy of the Blu-Ray being stolen from my job, or just laziness, the full-length feature that is widely considered by historians to be the best picture from the late Italian director just never quite made it onto the countdown. Seeing as how I'm now thirty-four, there were no more excuses left and I finally sat down, pressed play, and prepared for whatever would come about.
The plot to The Beyond is a fairly simple one, though it certainly doesn't unfold the way that you expect it to. A young woman named Liza inherits a hotel in Louisiana, and plans to re-open the establishment once renovations have been completed. Unbeknownst to her, the property has a sinister history to it: fifty-four years prior, a painter was brutally murdered by a suspicious band of townsfolk, who suspected the man of practicing black magic in an attempt to bring about hell on earth. Following a serious of bizarre (and occasionally fatal) accidents and an encounter with a blind girl named Emily who warns the new caretaker to leave the premises that she seems so intent on reopening, Liza begins to feel like something is very, very wrong with the inn. That is the best that I can do for The Beyond's plot, because what follows is a series of very odd, violent, and nightmarish sequences that make you wonder what is real and what isn't. This story is about confusing the audience, but not actually leaving them "confused." Look, I know that may sound very pretentious, but trust me on this one.
Cast-wise, the most memorable of this crew is easily actress Cinzia Monreale. Sporting white contact lenses and body language that gives the viewers an idea that there's more to her than meets the eye (I'll see myself out) to this mysterious stranger. The technical aspects of The Beyond are also impressive, and extra credit has to be given to cinematographer Sergio Salvati as well, whose previous work with Fulci on Zombie (aka Zombi 2) was equally impressive, and the two have been able to craft an otherworldly feel that permeates throughout a number of pictures. Then there's composer Fabio Frizzi, who in this humble geek's opinion, should be celebrated just as much as his fellow countrymen in Goblin. The score to The Beyond is equal parts grandiose and threatening, and the main theme in particular sounds as close to watching our world come to an end as I've heard in quite a while. But you don't want me to talk about how great the music or camera work is, do you? Nooooo, you want me to talk about the nasty material, a.k.a. what attracts a majority of newcomers to the world of Italian horror classics: the over-the-top gore. Well, I'm sorry to say, but The Beyond doesn't sport a single drop of blood. None. Nothing is spilled in the moments where a woman has sulfuric acid poured onto her face, or when a dog violently tears open someone's throat, or when someone is shot in the face which results in their head bursting like an egg that is thrown off the top of a building.
The bloodshed in The Beyond is some of the most ghastly that I've seen to date in any Unseen Terror entry, and it is so masterfully done that you'll be smiling like a madman right after squirming like a child at the doctor's office. To use music analogies: if the violence in Dario Argento's films were Neurosis, then this is Carcass. This means that if you're squeamish (one particular scene gave me uneasy flashbacks to when I was a child and freaked out over the film Arachnophobia), be very careful. So, now that the ass kissing is out of the way, I have to talk about some of the problems with this gem. As stated above, sometimes the movie starts to fall apart by filling in the time to do things because it's likely that Fulci and his crew think said moments are cool enough to make you realize that they're kind of irrelevant to the plot or make zero sense in the context of everything. The ending is also a bit of a head scratcher (and seems rather abrupt), but if you piece portions of the script together, it makes more sense.
I have at least sixteen other flicks to watch before October ends, but Lucio Fulci's The Beyond has set the bar pretty high for those to come. It's a dark, shocking, strange, bloody, and ultimately mesmerizing piece of Italian horror that is essential for anyone looking to venture out beyond the realm of "traditional" cinema, especially of the more grim variety. Unfortunately, it appears as those the exquisite Blu-Ray from Grindhouse Releasing is close to (if not already) going out of print, so acquiring a copy should be done as soon as possible. If you prefer your films streamed however, then you are in luck as Shudder has the film (along with many of Fulci's other works) available to watch whenever you have the free time, while Amazon Prime has it under the title when it was cut up and released in the U.S: 7 Doors of Death.
Heck while you're at it, go watch City of the Living Dead or Zombie tooand we can argue about which of the three has the most repulsive sequences involving facial harm. We'll totally look like normal when doing so.
Tomorrow, I'm taking another quick break from full-length features in search of some...."creepy" television.
Well, we're getting down to the nitty gritty of this year's Unseen Terror, and I won't mince words when I say that I am a tad bit drained (both mentally and physically). Still, no rest for the wicked right? Speaking of that, let us venture into the familiar realm of the sadly-departed Wes Craven, shall we?
Day 26 was kicked off by what I would refer to as one of the director's "transitional" projects. Released four years after breakout hit The Hills Have Eyes, but only three years prior to our first interaction with a particular claw-adjourned psycho, 1981's Deadly Blessing is an odd little picture. The plot concerns a widow who is still mourning the loss of her husband, as he was killed under mysterious circumstances via a tractor pinning and crushing him against a wall (happens all the time). At his funeral, she notices the members of his old religious community mourning him from afar. When the woman's friends arrive to check up on her, a series of strange events begin to occur, and they start to wonder if these previously-seen individuals have diabolical plans for the lot of them.
Though it's the furthest thing from a completely original concept, the initial storyline for Deadly Blessing had me intrigued. After all, there is far more to fear when it comes to the influence of organized religion than with any boogeyman or unnatural creature. There's always a good opportunity to craft a movie with a sense of dread, intrigue, and atmosphere. Hell, the masterful gentleman was even smart enough to bring back Eyes character actor Michael Berryman in a small role, and the distinguishable-looking Ernest Borgnine as a memorable, bearded leader of the not-quite-Amish folks who frequently view the widow as an "Incubus." Finally, there's a young Sharon Stone (Basic Instinct, Casino), who at the rather young age of twenty-three, willingly allowed a real spider to be dropped into her open mouth. Hey, it can only go uphill for you from there hon.
So, with all of that working in the film's favor, does it amount to a good experience? Unfortunately, I would have to say that it does not. The ideas of exploring the evils of cults and digging deep within a secluded society of those who adhere to a strict set of rules is fine. As mentioned above, given the time period when this came out, it feels as though Craven was just sort of trying to go for a different approach to horror after being (unfairly) dismissed as a director who dealt exclusively in nasty motion pictures that appealed to only the most sadistic of viewers. But my goodness, does Deadly Blessing drag. A lot. Playing out more like a darker mystery or suspense flick rather than a traditional scary one, it feels disappointingly restrained, mostly uneventful, and quite tame (save for the rather insane final twenty-something minutes).
Deadly Blessing just never really feels like it lives up to its own potential. As blasphemous as this may sound, I think that if the decision were made to remake this, I would be the furthest thing from upset. All of the little flaws scattered throughout and the frequently sluggish pace can be easily fixed if it is put into the hands of competent filmmakers (someone like an Adam Wingard or Ti West could probably knock this out of the park). Still, if you are a Craven collector, and haven't let my negative words discourage your interest, there is a Blu-Ray available from reputable distributor Scream! Factory, and it is available to watch on the Amazon Prime streaming service.
And when you consider that this looks no different from a made-for-TV presentation, I don't see any way that the picture quality or restroration on an actual disc format doesn't look infinitely better in comparison.
Hmm, sounds like I could use a picker-upper though, right? Let's take a gander and see what's out there....
To absolutely no one's surprise, I am cheating again (cue Eddie Guerrero jokes) for Day 27's entry. I have watched Wes Craven's return to the essential positions of the franchise he helped spawn (a feat that even he never suspected would, or should have happened) on more than a few occasions. Bluntly and brilliantly-titled Wes Craven's New Nightmare, the movie was a much needed return to form for not just the distinguished writer/director himself, but for the iconic Freddy Krueger as well. Despite my enjoyment of the various sequels that preceded this, there was no arguing that the Nightmare on Elm Street series had degenerated into a bit too much camp and not enough genuine intensity or horror. And yet, considering that the sixth sequel to the 1984 classic has more than a few of its original cast members returning, it is a non-canonical movie.
In an attempt to breathe some new life into the (then) rotting corpse of the maligned slasher genre, studio head Bob Shaye contacted Craven, asking that he return to the big man's chair and somehow find a way to bring Freddy Krueger back to life. Yes, fictional serial killers have escaped death multiple times throughout the years, but film distributors New Line Cinema had said themselves that there would be no continuation in this franchise after a fitting, titular conclusion was released to theaters in 1991. Unsurprisingly, Wes was not interested in concocting some absurd premise behind the dream master's resurrection. Instead, a very ballsy idea was put from pen to screen: we were going to bear witness to what folks would classify as a "meta" picture. True, this type of practice was not completely uncommon (1985's Return of the Living Dead also toyed with the possibilities), but given that previous outings had included sequences wherein victims were transformed into pizza toppings or shoved headfirst into a television, this could be harder to pull off than one would think.
The story for New Nightmare begins with Heather Langenkamp, the star of the original 1984 picture, having graphic, horrific nightmares that deal with mishaps on the set of a new Elm Street flick. Even stranger is the constant harassment that she has been receiving from a fan through the mail and over the phone, who constantly spouts quotes from the series' antagonist (which the actress had dealt with in real life). It also seems to reflect onto her own son Dylan (Pet Sematary's Miko Hughes), as he has been dealing with issues of his own that are related to sleepwalking and traumatizing episodes. Initially dismissing these as just freak occurrences, Heather is soon approached by film studio New Line Cinema, who ask that she reprise her role as Nancy Thompson in a sequel. Reluctantly, she agrees to take the part, but only after discovering that her husband Chase has been working on the project in secret. One evening, Dylan is caught viewing the first film on television, and as Heather awakens him from his night terror, Chase is contacted to immediately return to the house, but falls asleep at the wheel and perishes rather brutally (with his body in the morgue sporting multiple slashes across the chest). Following his funeral, a queer set of events begins to unwind, which sees the truth about Freddy Krueger's entire reason for existing coming to light.
There is certainly more than a few instances of cleverness found throughout New Nightmare's aforementioned synopsis, whether they're in the homages to several iconic scenes from its cinematic forefather, or even just in the way that Craven and crew manage to take a few tiny shots at how absurd the dumbing down of the franchise has become, which includes seeing children in the audience of a talk show where Robert Englund is supposed to appear (in complete costume no less!). Most of the creator's vision is fully realized here, and he smartly brings Krueger back to his origins as a nearly-inescapable evil with malicious intentions and no time to joke around. Freddy also receives an upgrade in the costume and makeup department: he appears to be much closer in appearance to a proper burn victim, with more sinister-looking eyes, a trenchcoat, and a reconstructed glove that is more skeletal and grossly organic in design. Purportedly, this is what was conceived during the first film's pre-production stages, but for whatever reason, it never came to be until now.
At this point, it should be the furthest thing from a shock to hear that the cast of characters in an Elm Street film are pretty fabulous. Tracy Middendorf, who would ironically pop up again down the line in MTV's Scream television series, plays Julie the babysitter. Limited as her screen time may be, the young lady has tons of spunk and personality, and had this iteration in the franchise not existed, I think that writing some variation of her as a potential lead or love interest to another protagonist would have been great to see. We also see the reappearance of series veterans like John Saxon, Lin Shaye, and (naturally) Robert Englund, who I'm certain was fairly excited to be playing a far more serious version of the villain that fourteen-year-olds constantly ask him about at horror conventions. Then again, he's never half-assed it in any of the subsequent follow-ups. But, the highest praise has to be reserved for the wonderful Heather Langenkamp, who is out in full force here. Channeling unbridled rage, frustration, and passion that no doubt came from a myriad of incidents related to/following her initial casting from back in the day, she turns in what I personally consider to be her finest performance to date as an actress. She has grown as a person in so many ways (as has every single soul from film #1) and it reflects here. Miko Hughes plays a good toddler in terror as well, and even if I can be down on kid actors from time to time, I've always felt extremely sympathetic every time that he is being terrorized here. I mean, who wouldn't scream if a horribly deformed man tried to unhinge his jaw like a snake and swallow you whole?
Though any respectable fan of the scarier side of cinema knows well enough by now, New Nightmare is a truly great entry in the Elm Street saga. It stands as a delicacy for longstanding fans, casual newcomers, and those who express interest in the sort of morose, bizarre obsessions with horror's influence on the general populace and the continuous need for milking a cash cow. Furthermore, it is one of the few self-reflective pictures in this subgenre that I firmly believes needs more projects akin to it. Unbeknownst to the audiences who ventured out to see it, New Nightmare would also serve as a prototype of sorts for another Craven-led ditty that would change the game (again). Currently, the film can be purchased in a wonderful Blu-Ray box set with the other entries in this franchise, and is available to stream on Netflix along with another underrated Craven flick in Scream 2.
Which leads me to close off today (and yesterday's) entries with an older tweet that comes courtesy of film critic Kim Newman: "Wes Craven reinvented horror at least four times - most directors don't even manage it once." Despite an occasional hiccup here and there, the man's filmography is the type of resume that most will strive to achieve, though I'll be damned it they can even come close.
Rest in power Wes. I love you and miss you.
Tomorrow, I'm in the mood for some rock and/or roll to go with my cinematic terror. Who's with me?!
After writing her boyfriend a "Dear John" letter, Rosemary Chatham attends a graduation dance in her rather small hometown with a new man by her side. When they sneak away in order to go make out in private, they are attacked and brutally murdered by a man adjourned in army regalia, who proceeds to leave a rose at the scene of the crime. Thirty-five years pass, and a young lady named Pam MacDonald is busy organizing the first ceremony since these tragic events occurred. Soon, reports of a new, masked "prowler" roaming around the area come to light, and everyone is suddenly on alert. Still, is there a possibility that this maniac shares closer ties to his predecessor than we initially thought, or is it just pure coincidence?
While writing my Madea review last night, it occurred to me that I really haven't been able to catch yet another relic in the slasher subgenre this year. So, after putting in some hours at work, wherein I can always brainstorm some ideas while preparing for the holidays, I was able to mentally dig through what choices were available for me to behold. After some consideration, I settled on Joe Zito's (Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter, Invasion U.S.A.) much-discussed gem titled The Prowler. Given that I've discovered more than a handful of grisly, guilty pleasures (Pieces, The Burning) from these unfairly-derided type of films, and seeing as how I am apparently feeling rather sadistic after catching last night's premiere of The Walking Dead, I say let us get to it.
Basic though The Prowler's concept may be, it immediately earned respect from me when I discovered that the iconic Tom Savini was in charge of the effects work. Say what you will about these flicks be categorized as merely "dead teenager" works, but from a technical or practical standpoint, there is a lot to respect and admire. The titular antagonist's main methods of knocking off his victims come from the use of a bayonet and pitchfork, the latter of which I'm even nervous just picking up myself if the situation ever comes about when I may need it. Though none of the disposals are revolutionary, they are quite nasty regardless. A ghastly, visceral standout comes from shoving one formerly-mentioned weapon downward through a poor soul's skull, which did a nice job at getting even a hardened individual like myself to wince. Joe Zito and his crew also churn out some pleasantly good cinematography, pacing, and halfway decent acting; it adds a real level of genuine suspense and mystery that prevents it from being just pure lunacy. Some of the camera work and close-up shots are surprisingly exceptional too, as they help accentuate the agony and horror of the entire situation. Not too bad for a little ditty that cost approximately one million dollars, yeah?
Sadly, The Prowler's technical aspects will most likely be the ONLY thing what "virgin viewers" like myself will remember in the long run. Despite a very entertaining opening that is set right after the second world war has ended, I was actually disappointed to see Zito's piece jump forward into modern times. I have no doubt that a slasher picture set exclusively in the time frame of the 1940s would make for a rollicking, scary adventure, and could have been a very unique standout during the seemingly endless waves of these kind of movies that came rushing in during a shockingly short amount of time. Perhaps if this ever receives the remake treatment, such a concept could be fully realized. And even with the aforementioned acting being mostly acceptable, none of these characters are wholly memorable and are ultimately written to act as mere horror film stereotypes (save for an overweight hotel clerk played by Bill Nunnery, whose hilarious level of apathy seemed like something out of a parodic picture). I was quite taken aback to see a giant like Lawrence Tierney (Born to Kill, Reservoir Dogs) pop up as a wheelchair-bound veteran with possible connections to these horrific crimes, but considering that he rarely, if ever gets a chance to utter a single word, all one thinks is that he must have been desperate for a paycheck that week.
Though it is riddled with some occasionally slow parts and a bit of a lame wrap-up (props for a very good Savini-centric scene though), I would still give The Prowler a solid recommendation for those who share even a remote interest in this category of horror and are craving for a new way to kill ninety minutes of their free time. Yes, it may not sport as much of a shock factor as some of its brethren do, nor does it have the creativity of its more largely-successful cousins. But, it ultimately boils down to being a very commendable cinematic bloodbath whose special effects, makeup, and tension help it enough to warrant a thumbs up. If you have a subscription to Showtime, access to YouTube, or are just a curious shopper, there are multiple ways for one to watch this underrated antique.
Plus, at the very least, it doesn't star Madea.
......I don't think I'm ever going to forgive myself for that one.
Tomorrow, another trip to Italy is underway, and Jennifer Connelly, aka my eternal crush, may be hitching along for my flight!
Young Marylee is mauled by a neighbor's dog, only to be saved by her large, gentle, and simple-minded friend Bubba. While she is taken to the hospital, a local courier named Otis rounds up a group of men, assuming that Bubba has harmed this little girl and potentially killed her. During their manhunt, the handicapped innocent runs to his mother's, and she disguises him as a scarecrow in her cornfield in order to evade punishment for something that he did not commit. Tragically, it fails to work, as Otis and his cohorts shoot him repeatedly. Shortly thereafter, Bubba's name is cleared, but the murderers get off in court, claiming self-defense. It isn't long, however, when the scarecrow that Bubba had been killed in starts to reappear around town.
Much like my experience with the original version of The Town That Dreaded Sundown, I was completely incorrect about my previous assumptions when it came to this 1981 made-for-TV horror flick. If one were to take a glance at the cover of its home video releases (since there is no theatrical poster that I know of), you would think that the film would be a supernatural-based slasher with a scarecrow at the center of all of the bloodshed. Much to my (pleasant) surprise, I was only partially correct. Dark Night Of The Scarecrow does indeed have elements of the aforementioned description, but it is a lot more well-rounded and doesn't need to rely on the cliches or mass carnage that befell most horror movies released in the 1980s.
Okay, so most of those cliches wouldn't have made the cut anyway, since this had its premiere on CBS Television. To my knowledge, there were plans to make this into an independent feature film, but for various reasons, it seems as if its low budget and semi-old school feel was deemed appropriate enough for home viewers instead. There was also the plan to cast veteran actor Strother Martin (last seen on this countdown in Sssssss) as main antagonist Otis Hazelrig, but he passed away before the production was getting ready to start. This proves to be anything but a problem since fellow experienced actor Charles Durning (The Sting, Dog Day Afternoon) turns in a delightfully sketchy and slimy performance as the postal worker who helps murder a childlike grownup. Oh goodness did I get chuckle when he tells young Marylee that "you can trust the mailman." No matter which decade in which something like this is uttered, you can't help but laugh. Truth be told, save for a few random moments from some of the supporting cast, nobody is really doing a bad job acting-wise. They don't treat Dark Night Of The Scarecrow as a standard throwaway picture, but rather as a creepy, if not simplistic tale of revenge.
Speaking of the very basic, but effective elements discussed above, writer J.D. Feigelson creates a script that utilizes minimalism and the tactic of confusion when it comes to the kills (save for Bubba's death). There are very few shots of the monstrosity that stalks these men, and sometimes, we don't even see its own shadow when it does its dirty deeds. I'll bite and say that as entertaining as its performers are, specifically Durning and Lane Smith (The Mighty Ducks), they aren't the most complex or original creations you'll see. Maybe it was just me, but Scarecrow also does seem to boast an unintentional anti-southerner vibe, at least judging by the absolute cruelty and apathy of some of the townsfolk when it comes to the manhunt for Bubba and its slightly-infuriating aftermath. But again, that might have been something that I assumed I had seen, and nobody else did.
I have to wonder what could have been had Dark Night Of The Scarecrow been given a theatrical release or bigger budget. Don't get me wrong, there isn't a single thing that I would change about the final product, but perhaps a longer, slightly bloodier remake couldn't hurt? Either way, if you want to take a look at how to do an exceptional job in the horror field with little-to-no money at your disposal, and see where other underrated gems like Pumpkinhead got its inspiration from, then look no further. And if none of that convinces you, then be aware that a brief part of the picture takes place on Halloween night, upping the entertainment factor!
But oy, it sure is difficult to watch anything with grown men playing mentally challenged individuals after THIS was released six years ago.
Tomorrow, it's back to the past, with a sequel to a surprisingly good entry from last year, House 2!
Two young couples set out for a weekend getaway in the wilderness, back-packing together and camping whenever they feel the need to stop. Unbeknownst to the four, a crazed and demented killer is brutally murdering anyone who dares to set foot in the woods. Soon, the adults will have to fight for their lives against this enigmatic stranger.
After at least fifteen minutes of Don't Go In The Woods (known in some circles as Don't Go In The Woods…Alone!) had passed, a single, solitary thought popped into my head: will I remember any of this a year from my initial viewing, or worse yet, twenty four hours from now? In the realm of cinema, there is nothing worse than a forgettable film, regardless of the genre and the year that it was produced and made. Out of curiosity, I glanced at its overall rating on imdb.com.
It was a 3.5 out of 10.
Suddenly, I regretted my decision to press play.
Before I jot down my (very) brief thoughts on this splatterfest, I feel the need to apologize yet again. This time, however, it is for the fact thatI simply can not type up a more detailed description of this picture's synopsis. Even by slasher standards, it's too basic and just plain dull. None of our heroes or side characters have any distinguishable personality traits (or acting abilities for that matter) and there's a good chance that they were randomly picked off of the street by the head of the casting department. Hell, they can't even scream well when some of them are being hacked to bits.
It's no wonder than director James Bryan went on to primarily direct skin flicks and/or adult movies after Woods was panned as horribly as it was. While I'm sure that he's a nice individual in real life, he can not for the life of him helm or command a horror film, even a B-grade one. The seven individuals running and mixing the sound don't help things either, as they make every single tourist and law enforcement official sound like they are either whispering or yelling constantly. My cut of Don't Go In The Woods also forsakes the use of a soundtrack (though I've heard that I may have been watching a different cut), and boy does it not help cure your boredom. These choices almost make you forget about how awful of a job those in charge of lighting and cinematography were doing too, until you realize that every kill (save for two admittedly decent-looking scenes involving a bear trap and an art canvas) is too darkly lit and frantically, sloppily shot. I wasn't sure exactly how this Quest For Fire reject that you call a killer was killing each victim, but had it been executed with better technique, I'm sure that it would have left you feeling aghast (how this was classified as a "video nasty" is baffling to me).
There is absolutely nothing worth salvaging from Don't Go In The Woods. It isn't worth your time, it isn't worth your money, and it is better left out of print so that the masses will be spared from feeling lethargic after its eighty two minute running time has wrapped. In the four years that I've been doing this yearly marathon, this was the only time that I've come close to legitimately falling asleep during a motion picture. Is that enough for you?
And should any employees from respectable companies such as Scream Factory or Blue Underground come across this review in the future, I beg of you to never touch this one with a ten foot pole. Not even if someone has a gun pointed at your head.
Tomorrow, it's back to sequelville with the followup to last year's number nine entry, V/H/S 2!
Before I start today's entries, I'd like to briefly talk about a video cassette that holds a special place in my heart: Fantastic Dinosaurs of the Movies.
While visiting the Smithsonian Institution one day with my parents, I received this trailer compilation as a gift, mostly due to my (then) love of all things dinosaur-related, and my desire to become a paleontologist. Though this dream and desire has waned, it did expose me to so many genres and franchises that I ended up becoming nearly fanatical about, including Godzilla and the works of Ray Harryhausen and his brethren. There were some modern film trailers thrown in for good measure too, but my focus shifted towards the older institutions, such as Toho International and the like. Having seen nearly every film on that cassette (which I still own), however, I'm finally getting around to discovering some of these lost treasures via the internet. But after twenty-something odd years, should these have remained buried?
In the dark, mostly unexplored waters of Loch Ness, the gigantic, legendary creature known as Nessie has begun an increasing amount of attacks, mostly brought about due to the kidnapping of her egg. Some scientists will seek to exploit the creature and her unhatched offspring, while others discover a sunken Nazi plane at the bottom of Loch Ness. What connections do these have with the beast? And why does it seem that some are trying to cover it up?
Oh dear lord, I didn't expect this. Well, at least on a scale this preposterously awful. Not even six minutes in, and The Loch Ness Horror has already settled safely into Mystery Science Theater 3000 territory. How the fabulous and hilarious group of "riffers" didn't lampoon and review this film, even in the later seasons, I have no earthly idea. Is it too late to pay them to do it now?
Everyone in The Loch Ness Horror is speaking like Groundskeeper Willie teaching French in Elementary School. The Scottish stereotypes found throughout are just ridiculous, and these characters, be they American or Scottish, could be conceived and written with just an initial viewing of any number of action/horror film combinations. What ends up being significantly worse are the accents of the fellow Scottish countrymen and women themselves, which I'm sure director Larry Buchanan would try and convince you were authentic (well, if he were alive that is), but anyone with halfway decent hearing, or a brain not riddled by years of drug abuse and consuming paint chips could tell you that's a load of malarky. Buchanan was a self-proclaimed "schlockmeister," so bashing anything the man has made in his career could prove to be moot seeing as how he expected it to come with the territory.
But even by lesser movie standards, the Nessie prop used here looks like a total joke, especially since we only see her head and neck, and nothing more. While I understand that you have a limited budget, and were probably going off of the Loch Ness myth, where little has been seen, give us something more creative. She's also surprisingly non-threatening in appearance, especially past the hour mark when she stares down a young woman in a camper. The Loch Ness Horror's high point, if it has one, has Nessie turning into a slasher movie villain after her egg is stolen (or is presumed dead), so she basically turns into a gigantic Mrs. Voorhees, even attacking people at a camping site and at night in the waters. Coincidentally, this was released a year after the successful Friday the 13th. Yes, I did just compare The Loch Ness Monster to Friday the 13th. Deal with it.
On the plus side, the poster looks fairly wild and could draw in monster fanatics. And as idiotic as it might be, the film doesn't really get to be boring if you're surrounded by the right folks. Still, this is an insanely bad "D" film that wants to pretend it's a "B" movie, but a lot of alcohol (and I do mean a LOT) could potentially make this a fun experience. I wish you the best of luck trying to track down a halfway decent copy of this. Legally, Diplomat Video released it on VHS, but as far as a DVD release goes, I'm unsure that anything in terms of an actual official copy exists, outside of bootlegs that is. I viewed my version on Youtube, where you can clearly tell it was ripped from home video. Naturally, it didn't help increase the quality of the picture itself, but I digress.
When a meteor crashes into a lake one evening, a large, prehistoric creature is unearthed from the ensuing heat. It begins to devour every person that it comes into contact with, and soon, the town's sheriff decides to take action in order to stop it. Rounding up a group of paleontologists and scientists, they set out to put a stop to the archaic menace.
Unlike The Loch Ness Horror, this effort from Crown International Pictures, as tampered with as it may have been, does have an accompanying Rifftrax commentary out there for purchase, and boy do I wish I had known about that in advance. Without the aid of those gentlemen, I nearly fell asleep during this picture. For the love of Benji, this is one boring, horribly made mess.
To begin with, I think that even as a child, I could have told you that these scientists in the film were phonies, or just plain terribly written. The title monster is referred to as a dinosaur at several opportunities, and is even drawn as one on its poster seen above. This wouldn't be a problem, except that one quick glance gives away the fact that it is clearly a PLESIOSAUR, a reptile that lived a large portion of its life in the water and is a completely different creature altogether. These little discrepancies won't be a bother to anybody except for perhaps the geekiest of folks, but the film's scientists and paleontologists make these mistakes constantly, and I can't help my occasional fits of nerd rage, especially thanks to that little VHS tape I talked about near the top of today's review. Learning is fundamental ladies and germs.
The Crater Lake Monster is decently well known for its use of stop motion animation, a rarity at the time in 1977 since most companies were moving on to bigger and better pastures. Shockingly, the stop motion animation looks fairly acceptable considering that a man like Ray Harryhausen didn't have his hand in it, and there's an eerie similarity to the title creation from Q - The Winged Serpent in the facial department of the "monster" itself. Of course, it isn't any coincidence that both films share the same animation supervisor, the deceased David W. Allen. He would go on to work on a vast number of pictures of much better quality, including Honey, I Shrunk the Kids, Willow, and Puppet Master. The practical, non-animation shots of its mouth also looked fairly decent considering the budget was just under one hundred thousand dollars, but I kept wondering "why not use more of that?" Unless the prop was a pain in the neck to haul around and your crew was comprised of tiny children, this is straight unforgivable. Oh, I guess we had to fill that time with the fascinating characters instead, such as....hmm....well, let me get back to you on that.
I'm starting to ponder if both of these films should have been saved for next year, since they could have coincided with the release of Gareth Edwards' Godzilla relaunch, and my time could have been spent on something much more valuable, be it another film or even something like staring at a wall while I eat leftover pasta salad. In terms of what made for a worse experience, I'd say that belonged to The Crater Lake Monster, as it just fills in the gaps and time with so much nonsense and annoying characters (if you do not hate the two redneck comic relief characters, you hate no characters in any movie ever released), while absolutely nothing happens. The fact that this film has seen a Blu-Ray release over the past two years is shocking to me, as it wholeheartedly deserves its 2.7 rating from IMDb.
Tomorrow, I brush the dust away, and finally get around to checking out SPLINTER!
When two scuba diving students end up missing, the head diving instructor and her new biochemist boyfriend decide to go in search for them. It doesn't take long for the young couple's whereabouts to be discovered, but their bodies have been horribly mangled, and they seem to be the victim of an aquatic animal attack, specifically something that has been inhabiting a sunken freighter near a Caribbean hotel resort. This "something," it turns out, is a new strain of killer piranha, ones who have gained an ability to fly and glide through the air, making them a threat wherever they may be.
If you're reading that synopsis and wondering "Who in the living hell directed this pile of crap?," well that would be one Mr. James Cameron, thank you very much. One of the most successful and heralded directors of all time, this was the man's first real break in cinema, though he might not acknowledge it as such, and Piranha II has a bit of a messy background for that matter. Cameron was originally hired to do special effects, but was then hired as the actual director for the film once the original director (Miller Drake) left the project. And yet after a small amount of time, Cameron himself was fired and replaced by the Italian producer on the movie itself (Piranha II is a largely Italian-based effort). Yet his name is still credited since they were contractually obligated to have an American be cited as the director. Confusing? Absolutely. Thankfully, the Terminator director doesn't seem embarrassed or angered to talk about this project now these days (unlike David Fincher and Alien 3), referring to it as "the best flying piranha film ever made," so that's good to hear.
All of this being said, Piranha II: The Spawning is an absolute abortion of a movie, and no director in the world could make this movie close to good, or even watchable. Roger Corman's presence was sorely needed here since these filmmakers just have no clue about what they're doing here with the small budget they've been handed, and presumably they blew most of it on booking hotels and getting the women in the movie topless or buying them fancy swimsuits. There's some sort of attempt to try and mix in hammy humor too (I can only guess somebody in Italy loved Animal House or films like it while writing the "script"), but it just proceeds to irritate you more than amuse you and ends up making you wish for a quicker death for everyone involved, be it the characters in the film or those writing the comedy. And don't get me started on the piranha, which were rarely seen in the original outside of flashes here and there, but this time around, these are very obviously props, but entry-level props at best. They look incredibly bad, and while they themselves aren't seen a particularly great amount either, their own presence was sorely needed in order to save me from utter boredom, since we don't get any fatalities outside of the opening sequence until about the 45-50 minute mark.
On the plus side, the soundtrack to Piranha II is actually quite decent, and could work well if this were any other film but this one. This was also the first time, at least to my knowledge, that director James Cameron worked with actor Lance Henriksen, who tries the best with what he has as the irritated ex-husband police officer of the aforementioned diving instructor. This idea isn't honestly terrible either, at least when you consider the other amount of inane, crazy garbage out there that exists in the realm of horror, but the execution is just so awfully done, that it is beyond redemption. It might be best to avoid this one unless you're looking to give yourself a headache.
Besides, it can't be the worst movie out there involving killer piranha, can it?
When a resort owner's daughter and her boyfriend go missing, private investigator Maggie McNamara and local Paul Grogan go on a search for her, stumbling across a seemingly abandoned research facility. While snooping around, they unknowingly unleash a new strain of piranha into the river, endangering the lives of everyone nearby.
As it turns out, Piranha II: The Spawning is indeed the lesser of two evils in this case, but I'm suspecting that my mind may change over time. And by "over time," I mean between approximately one day and one week. 1995's Piranha, as you could probably guess, is a remake of the 1978 film of the same name, and like the original, is also produced by B-movie master Roger Corman. For reasons that I'm still not certain of, but can most likely ascribe to boredom, Roger Corman decided that two of his most beloved films produced during the New World Pictures heyday of the 70s and 80s should be remade for Showtime during the 1990s, the other being Humanoids From the Deep. I was actually considering reviewing the latter for this year's countdown as well, as I have quite the fondness its original as well, but legitimately couldn't track the thing down in time, and decided it wasn't worth my time.
Perhaps one may wonder as to why Roger Corman would even bother going forward with a remake of a film he was fairly proud of producing in the first place, and after finishing this effort (a mere eighty minutes long), all I could ask myself was...why indeed? Why bother sit through this, as it does nothing to improve on the original, and in some ways, actually does many things worse than it? True, you get a few recognizable faces here and there (including a very young Mila Kunis), and the blood & gore makeup effects are almost decent enough to be passable, but so much of the film is littered with stock footage of the original, which is inexplicably lazy by any decade's standards. Piranha's script is nearly word for word a copy and paste of the 1978 version as well, doing a remarkable job of into the territory of insulting, and hurting the overall fun factor. The only real difference I could recall was switching the gender of the main scientist who was experimenting on the fish themselves, and that was completely irrelevant. It is also devoid of nearly any and all humor that Joe Dante's original film had, taking itself far too seriously from the very start.
There isn't anything else to say about 1995's Piranha, besides that at least the women are attractive to look at, and the end credits features a god awful grunge/alt-metal band by the name of Uncle Dog Food playing some song about piranha and how they eat you. Ooh, must've taken you guys weeks to write that little ditty. Speaking of the piranha, remember the sound effects of the original film or two when they were attacking? Well, now they sound like dolphins having sex with eagles when they're in a frenzy. Seriously. Unless you're looking for an expensive coaster, or a nice companion piece to something like Hellraiser: Revelations in your "Let's pretend this doesn't exist" value pack, I don't believe you should waste your time.
Tomorrow, the fishes may have their final say with BARRACUDA!
