Unseen Terror 2016: Day 23

Did I not tell you that this entry in my yearly marathon would be one for the ages?

Well, I wasn't lying.

.....wait, where are you going?! Come back!



Before you gather soap-in-socks to beat me with, let me explain my decision behind paying actual U.S. currency to see a motion picture titled Boo! A Madea Halloween. As mentioned multiple times over this year's iteration of Unseen Terror, I have certain guidelines that I like to follow. One of the final requirements for my list this year was to venture out into a nearby cinema and see something related to the realm of horror. However, given that we are only receiving approximately two pictures this month at the multiplex (after Rings was pushed back, the other choice was Ouija: Origin of Evil), the options were extremely limited. Though I have been hearing surprisingly good things about the latter release, my curiosity was piqued once the trailer for this particular....thing hit the internet. Seeing as how I have never watched a Tyler Perry movie in its entirety (and those parody posters for classic horror films are just brilliant), the concept of the extremely boisterous, over-the-top character of Madea Simmons fighting against ghosts, zombies, or anything else unusual intrigued the shittiest part of psyche. That, and the fact that it was spawned out of a joke made in the Chris Rock vehicle Top Five just had me pondering about what I was in store for.


I'll give Tyler Perry some props before going into any further discussion about Boo! A Madea Halloween. The man creates a plethora of these entries for so little money and turns in such a humongous profit. It's fairly admirable, and he honestly doesn't come across as a bad person if one pays attention to some of his interviews. That being said, he is also a master manipulator. For example, he deceived a poor sucker like me into believing that I was going to see Madea and her "I can't tell if these are also Tyler Perry in drag" costars running from/fighting back against the minions of the underworld, all with hilarious consequences and occasionally ignorant gags or jokes. Well, I hate to spoil the fun, but none of this comes to fruition, as this is essentially a gigantic episode of A Pup Named Scooby Doo, but with more long-winded speeches, references/trips to places of holy gatherings, pranks, and a very linear plot revolving around Madea and her cronies attempting to prevent her grandniece from venturing out during Halloween night, where she intends to join her friends at a large fraternity gathering. Even categorizing it as "comedy-horror" just seems wholly dishonest and misleading.


Though the humor permeating throughout is extremely hit-or-miss and heavily reliant upon you knowing all of the cast from previous outings (as stated above, this is my first trip into the Madea-verse), the horror aspects are pitiful to the point where even the small children that I saw inside of the theater were just walking around, all while looking bored or just not scared whatsoever. Heck, last year's Goosebumps was more frightening than Boo! is, and that featured a wooden dummy making puns that were bad enough to make Chip Chipperson blush. Still, I did get a great deal of amusement out of watching Perry's protagonists punch or whack evil-looking clowns over the head whenever the opportunity presented itself. There are also sequences involving the character of Aunt Bam (whose entire reason for existing seems to be so that Perry can write constant jokes around older, overweight people loving marijuana) potentially dealing with a ghost in the bathroom and stealing candy from chubby kids on Halloween night, and much to my surprise, they got genuine laughs out of me. But man, I could count on one hand about how many times such a thing occurred. To say that this type of humor just eluded me would actually be only partially accurate. Most of Boo!'s jokes come from squabbling over sex, prison, religion, or how kids should be smacked around a little if they are to respect their parents. How much of this you will agree with is entirely dependent on who is looking for what here (even my theater was nowhere near as crowded, or vocal as I thought it would be). If you are desiring to see a grown-ass man dress in drag while just shouting "Aw hell nah!" repeatedly, or gags around elderly people invading a frat house, entering a twerking contest, and yelling at supporting cast members portrayed by unfortunate souls like Big Love's Bella Thorne or X Factor veteran Diamond White, then you are in for the sweetest of treats. These quips are fired out in such quick succession that you almost never get time to breathe, and when you are stuck in a room with Perry playing multiple roles all while arguing with himself, it feels akin to sitting through Eddie Murphy's The Nutty Professor while tripping on acid.


Truth be told, even after Boo! had finished up, I was legitimately uncertain as to how I should even review it. I have been doing this for much longer than even I ever thought that I would, but I can safely say that throughout these years, I've never encountered such a fascinatingly bad motion picture before. Is it the worst flick that I have seen all year? No, it most certainly is not (I don't think this would even make the list of my bottom ten). But, is it worth paying your hard-earned money to see? Well, the answer to that is an eerily-similar Oh DEAR GOD no. And yet, I can say that my life has changed for the better and worse because of my conscious decision to venture out and catch it. It's a staggering bizarre, odd piece of cinema that borders on excruciatingly dumb and lazy (it took approximately eight days to shoot), but there is the absolute smallest part of me saying that if it were to somehow pop up on cable again, you could do far more torturous things with your time. Plus, it never made me angry, which is more than I can say for a handful of movies that I've already sat through.



But my goodness, there is no way in hell that am I fully endorsing a Tyler Perry film that features church references in the first 5-10 minutes and a random stop to one while running away from zombies. Oh lord.




Tomorrow, I need to seriously rethink my life choices. That, or watch another relic from the decades prior to this one.

Unseen Terror 2016: Day 4

A small group of scientists are on their way to the mysterious Obelisk Island, which has been eyed as a future tourist resort by one Mr. Funazu, owner of the successful "Playmate Magazine." Upon arrival, the collective is greeted with love and respect by the area's natives, though one of the youngest, a boy named Saki, warns members of the crew to stay away from one forbidden area of the land. After doing some digging around, two men stumble into a cavern and happen upon a rather unusual discovery: a giant egg, which a large unknown animal hatches from shortly afterwards. Though Saki and the islanders beg for the scientists to just leave this discovery alone and let it reside in peace, they still insist on taking it back to Japan for show and for studying. Unsurprisingly, the baby's parents rise from the waters beneath the island's volcano, destroying anything in their path in the pursuit of saving their child from the hands of curious experimenters and power-hungry businessmen.

Story time (yet again): my history with Japan's Gappa: The Triphibian Monster, a one-off picture from a company that had never previously experimented with giant monster movies, comes not from perusing message boards, nor from friends or cohorts who would recommend it to me if I had nothing better to do. No, the first mentioning I had noticed came from Michael Medved's second book in his now-defunct series titled "The Golden Turkey Awards," which highlighted the best of the worst in cinema before websites such as CollegeHumor and YouTube made it easier for you to determine and search out such a thing. They had specific categories set up to single out special absurd moments of particular pictures, such as "Worst Rodent Movie," which would go to Food of the Gods, or "Worst Casting" for John Wayne as Genghis Khan (yikes). They were never necessarily kind to flicks that you categorize as Kaiju Eiga, but it never bothered me as I knew that I enjoyed these pictures, and in the end, that was what truly mattered.

So, the screenshots and brief descriptions of Gappa, which would be released straight to television in the U.S. rather than to theaters (and was renamed in some circles as Monster From a Prehistoric Planet), made it out to look like the bottom of the barrel when it came to this type of stuff. After sitting through the movie, however, I feel as if some of this bashing was slightly unwarranted, though not without some sort of merit or reasoning. Yes, there are some downright cringe-inducing moments to be found throughout, but given that I have sat through a rather large assortment of films in this subgenre (including some with significantly larger budgets), it is far more watchable than it has any right to be.


Right off the bat, the first thing that I noticed about Gappa was its eerie similarities to other creature features released during the same decade. The plot is essentially plagiarized from previous Unseen Terror entry Gorgo. with the concept of an infant monster being stolen by foolish/greedy humans, which in turn leads to the parent(s) coming to annihilate anything in their path so that they may finally get their child back to them safe and sound. The concept of the monsters not being fully evil, as well as the island natives worshipping the behemoth as some sort of deity, is also taken from the original version of Mothra. You can't convince me that all of this was coincidental, as both of those projects were released six years prior during the first half of 1961, and were relatively big hits commercially and critically. Still, in the case of the former, you'll have to trust me when I say that it is so incredibly strange to see any Japanese studio rip off someone else for a change.

That studio in question deserves some mentioning as well. I suppose that the Nikkatsu Corporation was hoping that this would receive the same levels of success and love as Godzilla or Daei's own rival monster Gamera, but seeing as this was their sole entry into the field of "man in a rubber suit runs amok," I would say that in that aspect, they failed. They would sort of rebound by going on to produce, promote, and distribute a large portion of pornographic films, which has a certain demand in their native country given how strict they can be with subjects relating to sex or drugs. Bizarre as it may have been, it did help keep the company afloat until they were forced to declare bankruptcy in 1993 (three years later, some of their shares would be temporarily acquired by Namco). The efforts put forth are commendable though. The monster effects are done and headed by Akira Watanabe, a former employee of Toho, who helps craft some fun fight sequences with the military. None of it is likely to blow you away, but considering that Gappa's budget was most likely very small, they are fairly decent. They are entertaining enough to almost make you forget about the look chosen for the Gappas themselves.


Speaking of that, let's talk about the design for our titular beast(s), and to an extent, their much, much tinier adversaries. Perhaps in concept, they were hoping for something a little similar to Daei Studios' villainous creation Gyaos or to Toho's iconic Rodan, but what they ended up with was a trio of creatures that are akin in look and sound to that of, well, a giant parrot mixed with one of Toho's more mediocre creations called Gabara. Then again, Gappa actually predates All Monsters Attack/Godzilla's Revenge by two years, so maybe who influenced who is actually up for debate. They are quite expressive-looking bird/lizard/whatchamafucks, and the suits' abilities and facial animations get the chance to show off a bit during the final fifteen minutes of the movie. The human protagonists are actually fairly fun, if not a bit clichéd (minus one shipmate, who was voiced to sound like someone in a Three Stooges tribute act). I'm not sure about how much of that influence in the writing came from the states or from Japan, but it's a nice bonus considering how boring or offensive the past few entries' human casts have been.

Absurdity and an unabashed interest in the sillier side of these movies plays a great part in why I enjoyed this far more than I thought I would have (though anything would have been an improvement over yesterday's choice for the blog). I don't fully believe that Gappa is an essential Kaiju flick, but it is nowhere near as terrible as some historians have made it out to be. It makes for a breezy viewing experience, and with the right company or added substances (not that I would ever encourage that. *wink wink nudge nudge*), it can provide you with an adequate amount of entertainment. Hell, I'm amazed that Gappa never made its way into the realm of Mystery Science Theater 3000, as the hilariously bad dubbing alone is just ripe for riffing. Given that the picture is floating around in the public domain, obtaining a copy of this one should not be difficult to do at all. Alpha Video has a DVD release out that can be purchased for pocket change, and Mill Creek Entertainment has distributed it multiple times throughout the years as part of their well-known package deals. To my pleasant surprise, Tokyo Shock also managed to put the film out on DVD several years ago, which included liner notes and the original Japanese language track.



But, if you think that I'm paying a whopping thirty-five dollars for a motion picture that also features a young Japanese boy running around in what could be constituted as blackface, you would be mistaken.



I would only pay thirty-four for that.




Tomorrow, my concern that this Kaiju boom will crash and burn may be fully realized. And for the first/last time, we venture forward into outer space for the final entry in the block. God(zilla) help me...

A Million Ways To Die In The West (2014) Review

Sheep farmer Albert Stark detests living in the mostly barren frontier of Old Stump, Arizona. In addition to nearly everything around you having the capability to end your life within seconds, he has also been dumped by his girlfriend Louise, most likely due to his recent withdrawal from a duel, which many, including her, perceive as an act of cowardice. Soon, Stark draws the ire of notorious gunfighter Clinch Leatherwood, and through unexpected and initially unrevealed sources, he will find the courage and skills needed in order to face this infamous outlaw, lest he be thought of as a meager quitter for the rest of his life.


I just don't know what to make of Seth MacFarlane these days. I initially thought the man was a genius (or at the very least, a very underrated writer and voiceover performer) who came across as rather intelligent and knowledgable, if not a bit smug. I was surprised by his humility and legitimate happiness over hearing of the revival of his animated (then) cult television program Family Guy, and was just as ecstatic as him when I heard of its resurrection. Hell, I even enjoyed his first writing and directing foray into live-action filmmaking with 2012's Ted. And yet, the man has been disappointing me immensely for the past decade or so in ways that you can't imagine. The aforementioned Family Guy has arguably been out of gas for its past few seasons (a now infamous lambasting from South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone didn't help matters either), his other cartoon projects have been notoriously hit or miss, and the recently cancelled Seth Green vehicle Dads could go down as one of the absolute worst shows I've seen in my twenty eight years of existence. All of that hoopla aside, a large part of me was secretly interested in checking out MacFarlane's parody of the old western genre, the cleverly titled A Million Ways To Die In The West.


Regrettably, I think AMWTDITW (I am far too lazy to type this title multiple times, so you'll have to deal with this acronym) suffers from the same problem with the creator's more recent ventures, and that's just lazy, run-it-up-the-flagpole-style writing. And while I could normally nitpick and point out several large, glaring problems with films that I'm not too fond of or am immensely disappointed by, this really is the only major drawback, although it is a large one in the case of a comedy-based writer like MacFarlane. Nobody is phoning their performances in, and in fact, it seems that most of the cast are having a ball with one another (Charlize Theron and Sarah Silverman shine brightest). When a large chunk of your material, however, just isn't particularly strong, there is only so much that you can salvage in order to make it memorable for the general audiences who have paid to have good, boisterous laughs, and usually en masse. The mostly serious third act also does a near 180 for the film, and though it eventually leads to a relatively fun sequence involving psychedelic drug use with Native Americans, it feels klutzy in terms of transitioning and you can hear a pin drop in the theater in the build up to it.


AMWTDITW's heavy reliance on feces, urine, and fart jokes tends to wear thin after about the third time you're exposed to it. One wonders if perhaps they just couldn't come up with anything more clever in time (or were afraid of using the now-maligned "flashback" gag from Family Guy) and just figured that the average moviegoer can always find humor in anything coming out of the two holes below your belt. It's the type of lazy jokes that you expect from someone as lowbrow or idiotic as Marlon Wayans or Jason Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer, not the same man who was asked to host the Academy Awards one year ago. On the plus side, what isn't lowbrow is a pretty darn entertaining musical number led by Neil Patrick Harris (who seems to revel in playing a villain) and Stephen Foster that serves as an homage to the art of certain facial hair, and about how glorious it is. There are also a copious amount of cameos from who I can assume are some of MacFarlane's best friends from the liberal world of Hollywood, including one in the aforementioned drug sequence that gave me the biggest laugh overall. Sadly, a lot of the film's best gags were run into the ground by the overexposure of television spots and trailers for the picture, and most gags or antics elicit mere chuckles instead of guffaws.


You know what? After much debate, and even perusing through my own writing, Seth MacFarlane might be a genius after all. The man somehow managed to convince studio executives to make what essentially amounts to an uneven, two hour long episode of Family Guy with a forty million dollar budget. There is absolutely no reason that this couldn't have been of one of Seth's television shows. And before you say "he could have used this as an excuse to work with this famous actor or actress," I have to ask: why couldn't they have been recruited to do voiceover work instead? You're technically still in the same area or studio as them, and while you may not be able to do anything as memorable as physically kiss Charlize Theron or stick a flower up Liam Neeson's rectum (don't ask), you can still have the credentials on your resume if it is something sought after that much. At the end of the day, A Million Ways To Die In The West just makes you want to pat Seth MacFarlane on the back and say "well, you still have your other works. Better luck next time. Now it's time to go watch Blazing Saddles or Lust In The Dust and forget this whole thing ever happened."

A Haunted House (2013) Review

In August 2012, a young, happy couple named Malcolm and Kisha move into their new home. Not long after moving in, peculiar things start to happen around the house, convincing the two that their new abode is haunted by an evil spirit. Over the course of a month, Kisha becomes possessed, and Malcolm must consult the help of a priest, a psychic, and a duo of ghost hunters if he hopes to ever have any semblance of an ordinary life, and if he ever wants to see his girlfriend returned to normal.


I knew this was eventually going to happen. No, I don't mean watching another modern parody/satire film, but watching this specific flick from back in January. I tried my best to avoid it, but a nightly perusing through Netflix helped me find out this one had made its way into most homes for the viewing, whether they wanted it to or not. I will give director Michael Tiddes' major motion picture debut credit for one thing: it is above and beyond anything put out by the likes of Seltzer and Friedberg. Then again, that's like saying that the days-old Chinese food you got from the buffet didn't end up giving you diarrhea until only three days later.


Speaking of those two hacks mentioned above, they also happened to be two of the six writers of the first entry in the Scary Movie franchise, which co-starred actor Marlon Wayans. Wayans is the lead actor this time around, and like that film, co-wrote the script here. As most of us have come to discover, a lone Wayans brother is a sad, sad creature. True, he did end up giving us a great performance in Requiem For A Dream, but there is a clear difference between Darren Aronofsky and the man who directed an episode of the Fred television series. But let's get into the quality of A Haunted House before I forget, which may be easier to do than I imagined. The first five minutes are the right kind of stupid, based around a gag with overreacting to a dead dog. Wayans' character isn't exactly likable, but he does deliver nearly ninety percent of the best jokes, or at least what constitutes as jokes in this release (the other ten percent belonging to a sadly underused J.B. Smoove). Unfortunately, the ratio of bad jokes to good jokes is a bit on the horrifying side.


I'm shocked that Wayans himself would be so lazy as to make poor imitations of characters from the franchise he was previously a star in and hope that nobody would notice. Nearly everybody feels like the RC Cola equivalent of a Scary Movie character (one character in particular looks like Milton from Office Space if he had liposuction, but acts eerily similar to "Doofy" from that franchise's first entry). I don't recall seeing Essence Atkins in anything prior to this, but good lord did they want her to be Regina Hall. I'm honestly shocked they didn't name her "Brenda" or anything that rhymes with it. And then there's the supporting cast. I could individually dissect everybody's wasted talents here, but that idea went flying out of the window when Nick Swardson walked into the movie. His portrayal of a homosexual psychic is offensively bad, and while I hate to bash a man who seemed like a rather fun fellow based on his appearance on The Joe Rogan Experience podcast, this is further cementing my opinion that this man just isn't funny in any film he's cast in. I get way too much of a Rob Schneider-meets-Pauly Shore vibe every time he comes on screen, except he's arguably worse than both of those two when it comes to choosing projects.


If the best your parody can offer is outdated and tired fart, race, and gay jokes, maybe it'd be for the best that you don't bother going forward with the project. Other films like Edgar Wright's "Cornetto Trilogy," Walk Hard, and even the previous vulgar efforts from sibling Keenan Ivory Wayans are vastly superior to this borefest, as are the classic films from Mel Brooks and The Naked Gun movies. True, it didn't bore or enrage me nearly as much as Paranormal Activity or The Devil Inside, the two films mostly parodied here did, but making the choice for the lesser of two evils still means you're choosing evil.


And besides, surely there are better, superior, and more intelligently-written parodies of Paranormal Activity out there, right?


............
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Right?

In A World... (2013) Review

In the world of voice-over work, Sam Soto reigns supreme. Carol Solomon, Soto's own daughter, has dreams of  "making it" herself in between her days of working as a vocal coach, but the notion is generally frowned upon by her father, saying that the idea of a woman doing acts like narrating trailers is absurd. Despite these thoughts, and the pursuit of future gigs from Soto's own protege Gustav Warner, Carol finds herself determined to break down barriers and prove her worth.



One week ago, I traveled to my home state of Maryland for several days, specifically traveling for a Bar Mitzvah. Though my schedule was rather tight, I was determined to catch at least one film that wasn't playing down here in Wilmington. A quick flip through the Washington Post showed me that the rather obscure, but promising In A World... was playing in my own hometown of Silver Spring. I happen to be a fan of writer/director/star Lake Bell, going back to her work on Boston Legal, and catching her promotional appearances on The Daily Show and the like filled me with confidence of her directing debut.


For a directorial debut, this is rather balanced. A proper mixture of humor, drama, and genuinely sweet moments doesn't come off as gawky. Though her co-stars all deliver great performances, they are a bit on the iffy side in terms of realness, but that's honestly just minor nitpicking. There is excellent chemistry between everyone involved, most likely enhanced by real life friendships between a majority of the cast. Bell and Demetri Martin in particular are just fantastic together, and Bell's own character Carol feels unquestionably real, struggling in a world overrun with egotistical humans accustomed to the old way of thinking. Carol's own sister (Michaela Watkins) is also the focus of a subplot, which deals with her troubled marriage and own frustrations. Surprisingly, none of this feels tacked on, and transitions are rather smooth between the respective conflicts.


Despite how solid most of the script is, the satirizing of certain movie franchises and blockbusters is a bit hit or miss, feeling like bad modern-day Simpsons writing whenever they are brought up. Again, nitpicking, but I can't help it if certain bits of hammy writing rustle my jimmies. If I haven't mentioned before, the film is rather funny. Bell's own experience on shows like Children's Hospital comes through, and if you don't at least chuckle at her disdain for the "sexy baby voice," I may have to question as to whether you'r even human on the inside. Martin is actually playing it rather straight here, but he does get to sneak in some dry humor here and there. Co-stars Tog Notaro and Nick Offerman also get a chance to shine, and I was especially pleased that the former was cast, as she is probably one of the most underrated standup comics working today.


Most of In A World...'s tones will be construed as feminist, which is certainly not a difficult argument to make, but most of it comes down to one simple, but easily identifiable message: don't give up on any dream you may have, no matter the criticism, whether it has been done before/is thought to be nigh-impossible, or goes against any principles or long term structure. It also encourages us to find our own, unique voice, literally and figuratively. If you're one of the lucky cities playing this little gem, I urge you to find a screening. If you aren't, I'm sure this will hit VOD (Video On-Demand) services and DVD before the end of the year, and you can catch it there.

Unseen Terror 2012: Day 30

Henry, an emotionally distant man, spends his spare time killing innocent people for seemingly no reason. He also trains his protege and best friend Otis in his ways, though with restrictions that the simpleton often seems to forget. Soon, Otis' sister Becky arrives in town, and while she tries to earn money to support her daughter, she begins to fall for the mysterious and cold Henry...



Before he was making a younger generation incredibly nervous on The Walking Dead, Michael Rooker was making audiences feel unsettled and disturbed with this highly praised piece of cinema, based somewhat loosely on the life of serial killer Henry Lee Lucas. Henry has been on my "To Watch" list for what seems like an eternity, and like Thirst, I regret waiting this long to view it.

Let's get this out of the way right now: if you find yourself easily upset by violence against women, or don't like murderers with zero emotion (i.e. no smartass quips), this will most likely turn your stomach. Henry (the film and the title character) make no mistake with being brutally honest with the handling of its subject matter, and casting Michael Rooker was the best choice they could have made. He is downright chilling, with near hints of humanity poking through his cold exterior and demeanor. His protege Otis (Tom Towles) is just as reprehensible, if not more so. He's what most folks would consider the "archetype" of the crazy murderer: stupid, bloodthirsty, potentially incest-inclined, and just downright ugly. The film's just as much about him as it is the title character. A rape scene involving both of the men managed to disturb even myself, and I have a pretty iron stomach these days.

The only real complaint with the film involves a subplot with the character of Becky (Tracy Arnold). Don't get me wrong, she's fantastic, and the character itself is well written, but the film seemed to forget her potential romantic entanglement with Henry until the very end. When they bring it up again though, its handled fittingly. I was almost ready to ask why in the world there seemed to be no law enforcement in sight, but we're given a reasonably understandable explanation as to why that is (that and sometimes cops are just dumb).


This is an excellent piece of work, despite (or perhaps even because) of its low budget. As I mentioned above, there is some off-putting material for those who don't frequently watch horror films, but otherwise, this is nearly essential stuff. Bravo.


Alas, tomorrow is Halloween. This year's "Unseen Terror" will come to a close, and it'll close with a bang. What is this classic film I've never seen that I'll be reviewing? Stay tuned!