Hansel & Gretel Get Baked (2013) Review

A kindly old woman named Agnes has recently moved into Pasadena, housing a particularly strong blend of marijuana called "Black Forest." When her boyfriend runs out of the weed he bought from Agnes, young Gretel sends him to buy more for the two of them. After he goes missing, Gretel, along with her more straight-laced brother Hansel, start digging for clues as to his whereabouts, but may be horrified at what turns up.


When you think about it, the old fairy tale of Hansel and Gretel is a fairly dark little story, at least by today's standards of what constitutes as children's stories. So how do you turn into a comedy? Well, by adding in a plot element based around marijuana, which is almost ALWAYS hilarious. I'll confess that my hopes, for what I had, were rather low. Most posters for this picture were reeking of bad work done in Adobe Photoshop, and coupled with the very "Oh, aren't you so clever?" title (though it is ten times better than originally planned title Black Forest: Hansel and Gretel & The 420 Witch), I was prepared for something that could end up in the five dollar bin at Wal-Mart.


After a fairly fun opening scene and credits, which features a nearly unrecognizable Cary Elwes, we get what most of the film's vibe is going to be: horror-comedy with the occasional sprinkling of stoner humor and nods to the original Brothers Grimm fairy tales. If this doesn't appeal to you, I suggest you stay far away. As for the rest of you, there exists a strong possibility that this will take you by surprise. I am a tad bit choosy with films that fall into the horror-comedy field, since hype tends to overshadow actual quality and memorability more often than not. For every Shaun of the Dead, there's a Thankskilling or Rubber waiting to suck all the fun out of the room and fail at every attempt to be amusing (note: I'll try to limit my specific movie bashing to a minimum from now on).


Outside of Lara Flynn Boyle, who is living it up as the movie's "Little Old Lady from Pasadena," nobody else in the movie's cast particularly stands out, though most of the actors and actresses seem to be having a rather good time. I don't recall the last time I had seen Mrs. Boyle in anything since Men in Black II, but I do hope she snags more roles and work after this. And for anyone asking, they don't make it a habit of running that Beach Boys gag into the ground, since it only gets used about two or three times. I did come around to Bianca Saad's character of the same name, mostly because of the outrageously stupid stereotypes built around her character and her insistency to channel Rosie Perez for most of her screen time. There's a rival drug dealer played by Rey Gallegos who seems to be channeling every latin druglord character you can think of, but it does lead to some very amusing, if not slightly outdated dialogue. You might recognize the movie's police officers as Yancy Butler and Lochlyn Munro, they of Witchblade and Scary Movie fame. If you're wondering why I don't have similarly nice things to say about their characters, it may be due to their characters being underwritten, or just plain terrible.


This brings me to a very big question mark regarding two things related to Hansel and Gretel Get Baked, one of which concerns the character known as "The Woodsman." With how the film is structured, why even bother to cast him? He is barely in the picture, and doesn't even make a physical appearance until nearly halfway through it. As essential as he may be to the original story, you could have done just as good a job by leaving him out, and focusing on something else instead. The other question is more or less due to me having the tendency to forget little details from source material: will someone please do me a favor and refresh my memory on the witch's use of necromancy? I don't believe she ever possessed the ability to do so in the Grimm Fairy Tales story. Then again, this film's version of the witch also has a pet hellhound, so accuracy may be thrown out the window just to ensure that your attention does not fade.


While I will definitely understand the complaints about there not being enough "stoner humor" involved with Hansel and Gretel, especially given the dubious name and plot, it does little to hurt the overall fun factor. I admire them doing the best they could with what little budget they had been afforded, and there is some fairly good makeup and gore in the few moments when it is required. I can think of worse things to do with your time and......well, precious, precious marijuana. Seek it out if you are curious.

Stoker (2013) Review

During the week of her eighteenth birthday, a young lady by the name of India loses her father in a car accident. While at his funeral, she is introduced to her Uncle Charlie, whose presence she was unaware of until that day. Though India is emotionally distant and still quietly reeling from the loss, it matters not as the newly introduced family member comes to stay in the house almost immediately, with India increasingly becoming more and more suspicious of his true origins and connection to the family.


If you know me decently well enough, you know that I was quite intrigued by the idea of director Park Chan-wook finally making the transition to American cinema after years of excellent overseas work. True, not all Asian directors find success over here. Some get latched onto projects that are simply beyond repair, and others have their own masterpieces remade in order to appeal to simpler audiences (Park's own Oldboy has a remake set for release in the fall). However, I had an unusually good feeling about this one. The man seems like the type who doesn't buckle under pressure, and he can set up diabolically twisted scenes better than most out there.


Perhaps the first shocking thing about Stoker was that Park had nothing to do with its screenplay. Rather, Prison Break actor Wentworth Miller is the man responsible for the film's dark turns, moments of great symbolism, and quiet script. True, he isn't directing himself, but the fact that this screenplay was floating around Hollywood for several years in the "Best Unproduced" category means he may have contributed enough. As I mentioned above, the film is very quiet, almost at times TOO quiet. Mia Wasikowska plays India like a more disturbed, serious version of a Winona Ryder character, or like an older version of the female vampire from the excellent Let the Right One In. Her avoidance and hesitation around the entire cast is utterly convincing, even if her main emotion doesn't seem to change much throughout the first half of the film. Every development she and Charlie go through is fascinating, be it good, bad, or much, much worse.


Charlie himself is played by Matthew Goode, who I can officially say only ruined Ozymandias because of Zack Snyder, and not because of his own acting chops. He is damn good as the new "stranger" to the household, equal parts complex, creepy, charming, and at times sympathetic. Nicole Kidman plays India's mother, and though the Aussie is good like usual, I felt that she was a tad bit underutilized. Her character is clearly struggling to get on her daughter's good side after years of being more or less known as just "the other parent." Her transformation, for what we see of it, could serve as a good side story if we had been given more time. I'm certain that you'll hear a band in the aggressive music scene sample her brilliant ending speech to Goode in a future song (assuming I don't just up and do it myself. Nyah nyah nyah).


As great as the development with the main characters is, the side characters do feel rather paper thin or lifted out of the big book of drama/thriller cliches. The scenes with India at school being harassed by jock bullies feel particularly ancient, and one potential love interest in the film seems to do a 180 for seemingly no rhyme or reason in near record time. I understand high school students are an erratic and occasionally unstable bunch, but this took even me out of the film for a moment. Thankfully it doesn't last for an outrageous amount of time, as Stoker only runs for ninety nine minutes and they ensure you that they are going to try their damndest to pull you back in.


Wook's direction in particular scenes (like a moment with mother and daughter conversing while one uncomfortably combs the other's hair) are signs of a man who's been doing this long enough to make a simple scene work eerily than expected. And on that note, it wouldn't be a CWP film without scenes of great discomfort, and Stoker may turn some viewers off with a couple of scenes that occur midway and towards the end of the film, one of which seems to receive no closure. While nothing matches the Vivaldi teeth-pulling scene of Oldboy, there are some symbolic shots and sequences which could haunt you depending on sensitivity towards the subject matter at hand. The movie's ending has also been up for debate as well, though I may leave that up to you as to how to interpret it.


After I started Stoker, I was sure that the theme at hand was going to be mystery. By the end, I was proven to be dead wrong. Stoker's theme, if you had to narrow it down to absolutely one, is growth. We watch not just the title character(s) grow up or down through odd means, but we're also witnessing the growth of a director who may finally find the recognition among mainstream audiences that he's gotten from the small faithful (i.e. us) throughout the last decade. I'm almost certain that I'll revisit Stoker again in the near future, as there are some moments of symbolism (I apologize for the overuse of that word in this review) that I didn't get upon first glance, but it will have to wait in order for other pictures to be rented and reviewed. If you're in the mood for a criminally overlooked picture from this year, with occasional dips into gothic, demented territory, this is absolutely worth a watch.

A Double Dose of WWE Studios: The Call (2013) Review & Dead Man Down (2013) Review

It occurred to me the other day that we're past the halfway point of 2013, and this blog has been conspicuously empty for the most part. As I pointed out in my Pacific Rim review, however, I just haven't been thrilled by the release schedule this year when it comes to major motion pictures. That won't stop me from attempting to catch up to fellow moviegoers though. So one trip to the Redbox later, and BAM! We're back on track. I'll work on further reviews in the coming days as well, but for now, we have two pictures with the backing of WWE Studios (yes this is a real thing) to tackle.

Six months after a traumatic incident in the past drove her from her profession of several years, a veteran 9-1-1 operator receives a call from a recently kidnapped teenage girl. Hoping to prevent a repeat of the past, she takes the call and thus begins an effort to save the young lady.

First off, a big wag of the finger to WWE Studios for not using the Mr. McMahon theme a single time throughout its ninety minute running time. Let's be honest, it would have fit in perfectly at any point, regardless of the subject matter.

In all seriousness though, The Call has the potential to be just another motion picture that could have been rejected by the Lifetime Network. It has all the makings of one of their films:

-Evil male antagonist? Check.
-Girl(s) in danger? Check.
-Needless and pointless side characters, including one played by jobber David Otunga? Check.
-Dialogue that belongs in an evening crime drama show? Check.
-Tacked on "Girl Power!" message? Check.


Shockingly, however, something about The Call works. At least, by rental standards. That something could be the surprisingly decent performances from Halle Berry and Abigail Breslin. I feel somewhat bad for the former, as her stature in Hollywood has certainly been knocked down a few pegs over the years, and she's proven to be a capable actress when she needs to be. The script calls for her to be tense in all the right moments, and unsure of herself at all of the others. While her character does seem to rebound rather quickly after the film's initial kidnapping sequence/murder (and I'm not talking about the six month gap), it doesn't take you out of the film. Breslin plays kidnap victim #2, and spends most of her time looking panicked or acting terrified. To be fair, if you were in her shoes, you'd most likely be acting the same way. I've never heard of a kidnap victim acting remarkably calm, and chances are that if they were, they'd be in on the act itself.


For the first two thirds of The Call, the film has the viewer's attention, even with its obvious flaws and fairly predictable outline. This brings me to the collective turd in the punchbowl: its third act. I've never seen a thriller take such a dive in terms of quality so quickly. I wonder if this may have been tacked on from another unfinished project, as it feels like a completely different film altogether and delves into the realm of the absurd. Our resident scumbag kidnapper is played by Michael Eklund, who looks like Ethan Hawke after serving hard time for a drug bust. There are attempts to humanize the guy along the way, but I don't think any of them worked particularly well, and all seemed somewhat unnecessary. Couple that with some absolutely ridiculous twists that unravel over time related to the character, plus a rather abrupt (and out of character) ending, and it ends up turning the third act into contrived garbage that is derivative of better thrillers.


Hmm.....perhaps it isn't too radically different from a Lifetime Channel film after all, save for the additional moments of surprising violence and the occasional vulgar word (hearing the little girl from Little Miss Sunshine call someone a "motherfucker" is quite amusing). Well, regardless, this is a fun rental or future Netflix viewing, but I can only recommend it with caution.


Maybe a more well known cast can bring me out of the funk that the last third of The Call left me in...

Victor, a crime boss' right hand man, finds himself intrigued by his female neighbor, who wishes for him to assist in exacting revenge on the man who scarred her in a car accident. After she attempts to blackmail him into committing the hit, she slowly discovers his past, and we learn that all is not what it seems, with Victor's position within the crime syndicate holding many secrets.



Why do you do this to me Colin Farrell? Every time you get back on my good side with a picture like Seven Psychopaths, you end up dumping a mess like Dead Man Down in my lap. *sigh* If that plot synopsis sounds a bit on the basic or simplistic side, it may be because describing this picture without spoiling anything is nearly impossible. For that matter, piecing together the actual film itself can be a real task. I contemplated if the writers had snorted too much cocaine while writing the initial draft, and when they came down from their high, they forgot to add logic, interesting characters, or action.


For starters, nothing in Dead Man Down seems like it could have existed in the real world, despite it trying to be somewhat based in it. There is a sequence of Colin Farrell opening fire in an open area from above that brings about no consequence, and no police. This also leads to an action scene involving a building and several murders, and yet again, nothing. Noomi Rapace's character is the subject of a very odd side plot involving her character being physically scarred from a car accident so badly, that all the neighborhood kids taunt (and even throw rocks at) her, calling her a monster. This wouldn't be a problem if Rapace still didn't look like an attractive woman, and if her scars were more visible. But they aren't. It just seemed like an awkward plot device that doesn't really go anywhere and is just plain badly used. She also points out in the beginning act that it legitimately hurts for her to smile, which they also seem to forget about rather quickly.


Speaking of the talented Ms. Rapace, she and Dominic Cooper seem to be the only ones really trying to get the best they can from this mess of a script, even if the latter's character did feel like a reject from The Departed. As for the others, Farrell just has nothing to work with, and neither does Terrance Howard, who I'm sure is still regretting not choosing to continue on as James Rhodes/War Machine in the Marvel Cinematic Universe. As cruel as it may sound, don't be shocked if within a few years, the man starts appearing in Asylum films like Sharknado vs. Gatorquake. In Farrell's case, you just feel bad for the actor himself rather than his character, since we've seen types like Victor in nearly every type of thriller/crime movie out there.


There are two lines halfway through Dead Man Down (coincidentally when it attempts to finally give the audience an explanation for any confusion we've been witnessing) that can perfectly sum up the film better than I ever could:

CF: Now you know everything.
NR: No. No, I don't.


Ultimately, this one was way too slow and pieced together too awkwardly for me to recommend, even to diehard fans of these actors. Hell, even wrestler Wade Barrett doesn't have much to do, especially during the "too little, too late" final action sequence. Stick with any other revenge thriller released within the past few years, like I Saw The Devil, Taken or even Quentin Tarantino's recent works.

Pacific Rim (2013) Review

In the year 2020, the earth is under constant attack from Kaiju, gigantic beasts that emerge from the ocean floor. To combat this, humanity has constructed the Jaegers, mechs that run on duel pilots via a system that links the pilots' brains together and allow for near-perfect synchronization. When the outbreak begins to become even too much for the originators of the program itself, a last ditch effort is concocted, and humanity prepares to make a potential final stand against these foreign, monstrous invaders.



Confession time: I haven't been particularly enjoying this summer's movie schedule. True, I have seen very few films released within the past two months (or even throughout the entire year), but something just feels so lacking about 2013. Maybe it was that some films forgot how to have fun most of the time, or were trying too hard to be something they didn't need to be in the first place. When the trailers for Pacific Rim first hit the internet, my interest was piqued. An homage to several "geeky" genres that I grew up adoring from movie master Guillermo Del Toro? This could be interesting.


The plot to Pacific Rim may seem oddly familiar to those well-versed in anime (the similarities to all time great Neon Genesis Evangelion are understandable), but thankfully the film isn't a complete knockoff. Au contraire! Del Toro's latest project combines many of the best elements from a multitude of genres into one very entertaining package that just manages to sneak past the two-hour mark. I was honestly disappointed that this film DIDN'T run longer, as there are a plethora of certain characters and Jaegers that leave you disappointed that you didn't see more of them. Perhaps that's what a director's cut DVD is for. I do happen to know that a tie-in comic was recently released, so perhaps there are further adventures of our brave pilots that one simply has to track down through easy means. This of course means you have to venture to a comic book store, which certainly isn't a bad thing.


Our cast of characters are a bit of a mixed bag, though none of them border on being "bad" per se. Main lead Charlie Hunnam does a capable job of playing a former Jaeger pilot coerced into rejoining the program many years after his co-pilot (who was coincidentally his own brother) was killed in battle with a kaiju. Rinko Kikuchi and Idris Elba play Hunnam's new co-pilot and superior respectively, and both knock it out of the park. Shockingly, I've never seen Kikuchi act prior to her role here, but I'm definitely paying attention from now on. Her presence felt genuine (i.e. not the cliched "chick" in a science fiction film), and once her character starts developing throughout the film, you find it hard not to like her and feel sympathetic for the young lady. Elba's already proven that he's a fine actor, and his stern, serious, but still very much human character thankfully escapes from the pit of cliches as well. Perhaps the only cliched characters are the supporting cast, who as I mentioned, don't get as much screen time as you would hope. Making the Russian pilots stoic and the Chinese pilots acrobatic? Certainly not your wildest idea Guillermo, but I think we can forgive you for it. Oh, and for you It's Always Sunny fanatics, yes Charlie Day is awesome here, playing one of two scientists studying the kaiju,


Rim's fight sequences a bit hard to comprehend if you have bad eyesight, but easily rival anything seen this summer, and at times surpass them. The immense scale of the entire thing blows Man of Steel's DBZ-esque fights out of the water. I'm quite surprised at how many people seem to be unimpressed with the designs of the mechs themselves. Perhaps we've been spoiled by the dull Transformers films and Michael Bay's absolutely hideous approach to how a giant robot should look. One of my biggest complaints about that franchise is that you can never quite tell which robot is which unless you hear them talk (especially in the second film. Oy vey.), but thankfully this doesn't seem to be a severe issue here. The detail in every creation is unveiled over time, and leaves you quite impressed that we as a society, even in a fictional universe, could build not just one of these, but several. Even the kaijus themselves are rather impressive, looking like more demented versions of the enemies seen throughout the Ultraman series and Gamera motion pictures. I happen to know that toys have already been manufactured for this film, and I can hope that they look just as impressive scaled down as they did here.


Guillermo Del Toro has been quoted as saying that he made this film in order to expose today's younger generation to the wonders of kaiju eiga (a.k.a. giant monster movies) and mecha (a.k.a. giant robots). Hell, there's even a tribute to deceased greats Ishiro Honda and Ray Harryhausen in the credits. But in reality, I think this can just as easily appeal to the inner teenager in you that never quite went away. In fact, the teenager in you isn't just going to like Pacific Rim, it may downright be in awe of it at times. For the likes of us who grew up on a healthy diet of Japanese culture and Saturday morning fun, this is the motion picture to make your summer that much better, or perhaps even remedy any faults you've had with it. I may venture back to the cinema for this one, and may even decide on catching an IMAX screening if the option is there.