Unseen Terror 2016: Day 21 & Day 22

As a military vehicle is transporting the dangerous gas known as Trioxin from town to town, a single barrel breaks loose from the back of the truck, and falls into a nearby river. Soon afterwards, a young boy named Jesse is coerced by two bullies to venture into the nearby cemetery, where all three stumble across the aforementioned tank. Though Jesse warns that they should not tamper with it, the others are far more ambitious, as they decide to lock their "victim" inside of a vault in the hopes that he will no longer disturb them. Though he is eventually and accidentally freed by a trio of grave robbers, it is too late to stop his curious comrades from messing with the Trioxin, which has effects that are worse than anything that they ever could have imagined. Within no time, the dead rise from the ground, and they are craving only one thing: BRAINS!



Before going into my review for this little ditty, I have to apologize and correct myself for a huge error that was made not too long ago: Unseen Terror was started in 2011, NOT during the year prior to that. How was I able to recall this you may ask? Well, it is because my premiere choice for the very first entry came from Dan O'Bannon's The Return of the Living Dead, a 1985 horror-comedy that is wisely and justifiably adored for its great sense of humor, killer soundtrack, blood/gore, and a very keen ability to not take itself too seriously. So, as luck would have it, I was able to stumble across one of its many sequels from throughout the years. Having also previously seen the follow-up to this picture, but not the actual finished, whole product itself, I felt that a proper viewing was in order. Plus, this is officially my three-hundredth post on here, so I said why the hell not?


I have often heard from fans and critics that the ROTLD series can be categorized as "Punk Rock Zombie" flicks, and after having seen at least three of these pictures, I don't believe that they are completely wrong. In terms of the music department, Part II isn't nearly as impressive as its predecessor, but it does an admirable job at being able to stick out in a sea of sequels with a killer soundtrack, featuring artists like Anthrax and Leatherwolf playing throughout. Tragically, also like the film before it, being able to obtain a cut of the movie with every artist's song featured in the initial theatrical run is nearly impossible thanks to copyright issues, and unless you are willing to settle for the French audio track on the DVD release, you are most likely going to have to track something down at a nearby horror convention. There are also a good number of other technical aspects found throughout this follow-up worth smiling over, including some very colorful gore and the return of the (now) iconic Tarman zombie (though he looks far more comical this time around and gets even less screen time). All of the crew in the makeup department knock it out of the park with some hilariously silly-looking deceased beings, including a woman with worms constantly sticking and wiggling out of her face, and a corpse who gets blasted into two pieces but somehow keeps functioning. Unlike the 1985 release, Part II is definitely played more for laughs, and it comes closer to being lumped into the subgenre known as "comedy-horror" rather than "horror-comedy." "Wait Ryan, what is the difference between those two?" Trust me, if you sit down and watch it yourself, then you shall understand what I'm saying.


Now, while I am absolutely satisfied with the bloodier and louder ends of the spectrum, I would be remiss not to bring up the other aspects of ROTLD Part II. While the creativity behind those in the realm of the undead certainly makes for a memorable experience, other portions of this entry just leave you feeling kind of disappointed. As is the case with most sequels, a majority of this motion picture feels like recycled or redundant material. The most apparent, obvious case of this comes from the casting of James Karen and Thom Mathews as two of our leads. Because it was essentially impossible for their characters from Part 1 to return to the big screen (my apologies for the spoiler), it just feels odd to see them pop back up again, and their new roles feel like carbon copies from that picture in question. Come to think of it, the two even go so far as to make a joke about the similarities and near-duplication towards the middle of its running time, which begs the question of why would you watch this tale instead of its three-year-old ancestor?


Astonishingly, ROTLD Part II is currently sitting at a disastrously-low rating of zero percent on website aggregator Rotten Tomatoes. Perhaps it is the bias of a horror fan that is coming out to say the following, but to imply that this is far worse than something truly wretched like Meet the Spartans or Fantastic Four is just wholly, stupidly wrong. Much like another undeservedly-trashed sequel to a bigger film, it is far from a perfect product (a good half of its cast or crew have been outspoken about their dislike for the picture and feel that it's a blatant cash grab), but it's a watchable sequel with oodles of cheese and enough charm and pizzazz to help it stick a decent landing. I'm uncertain as to how memorable it will be for you in the long run, but for the time being, it is a fairly acceptable way to kill 90 minutes. Currently, the DVD is relatively inexpensive to purchase, and it can be viewed for free if you have a subscription to Starz and/or access to their on-demand library.



So, since this was a follow-up that took me by pleasant surprise, let us see if we can duplicate that magic outside of the realm of zombie movies.......

To say that 1995's Italian production Cruel Jaws makes for a particularly fascinating watch is one colossal understatement. The movie was marketed and released in many areas across the globe as Jaws 5: Cruel Jaws, and reuses themes and footage from a number of other, superior pictures (there's even teases of the beloved theme from Star Wars) involving these killer beasts of the ocean. In fact, for that reason alone, the movie has been extremely difficult to track down and is ineligible for a proper DVD or Blu-Ray release (though there always is the bootleg circuit).

Which leads me to utter the following: I have always been told that if you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all. Of course, that would make me a huge hypocrite given all of the trashing that I have done of lesser flicks from throughout the years, but I really do not care at this point. Regardless, I can comfortably say that the best aspect of the Grade-Z Cruel Jaws (outside of one of the lead actors appearing to be a doppelganger for professional wrestler-turned cultural punchline Hulk Hogan) was that it ended, and was mildly less torturous to watch than Up from the Depths. And even then, I will be debating with myself for a quite a while about such a statement.

....that's it though. No more is being said or typed. Nope. Let's just move on to tomorrow's entry, shall we?

Speaking of that, let's just say that my "theatrical" choice for this year's Unseen Terror was unlike anything that I have ever sat through...

Unseen Terror 2016: Day 9

Young Chicago native Marissa Kendall buys a tiny, baby alligator as a present for herself, but during one fateful day, the child's father angrily flushes the new pet down the toilet. Many years pass, and the town's head scientists have been experimenting with a growth formula that is supposed to help with agriculture. Though the initial results are proven to be a success, they have to be abandoned due to a side effect that builds an insatiable appetite in their test animals. Unbeknownst to them, a creature residing in the sewers has grown immensely due to feeding on the discarded carcasses of their laboratory subjects, and has been moving on to larger, more active prey. Marissa, who has now grown up into a herpetologist, teams up with police officer David Madison to investigate some odd sightings and disappearances related to something rumbling down below the city, and after it begins to pop up above ground, they estimate that the voracious crocodilian's length is over that of thirty-six feet. Needless to say, it must be stopped.




If you are a longtime reader of my little blog, you will know that I have gone into detail about the large number of "natural" horror films that were released in the wake of Steven Spielberg's breakout blockbuster Jaws. But for every Grizzly or Piranha (which shares the same screenplay writer as this) that was sent into theaters, we were also treated to piles of garbage like Barracuda or Devil Fish. Why, even the flick that started it all received a follow-up or two of its own, just so audiences would have their sweet tooth for human dismemberment satiated, even if it was for only ninety minutes. It makes the most amount of sense that eventually, somebody would pay attention to just how silly this subgenre was becoming, and five years after one of the greatest directors of all time warned us of the dangers of the ocean, the future director of Cat's Eye and Cujo would deliver a picture to audiences that was solid enough to both poke fun at these movies, while also remembering how to provide for some very solid entertainment in a field that was being dragged down by mediocrity.


Most contemporary motion pictures such as Alligator would believe that by playing their cards right, it would be safe to choose the easy route and present their product as a straight-forward, basic "monster on the loose" movie, which ensures a respectable, if not very average box office intake. While there are often moments that present themselves as just that, most of the flick delves into the self-aware territory that makes some particular B-movies or unexpected comedies worth repeated viewings. Of course, I am not trying to say that a film featuring an oversized gator chomping on rich yuppies at a wedding reception is up there with the best of the worst, but the chunks of John Sayles' script that are fully satirical make it work that much better (though I do wish that the original idea concocted by co-writer Frank Ray Perilli had stayed intact, as it took place in Milwaukee and involved beer consumption as the culprit behind the behemoth's growth). It has all the characteristics and necessities of a "natural" horror flick: a scumbag mayor, a hunter with prior knowledge of how to take down animals as large as these, a smartass scientist, and a cop who doesn't have time for all of this shit. Hell, we're even treated to a child death courtesy of the monstrous antagonist! Robert Forster (Jackie Brown) plays the latter adult human character, and he is appropriately treating the whole experience like a black comedy. Sadly, nobody else really stands out in the cast, but at the end of the day, it's forgivable.


Alligator's fun factor isn't solely limited to the acting or dialogue though, as the technical aspects (if you can call them that) aren't anything to scoff at either. Like its obvious inspiration, the titular creature is mostly animatronic, and does look pretty good for the few moments where it is seen in the shadows or with as little light creeping in as possible. Ironically also like "Bruce," it had multiple malfunctions during filming, and was eventually donated to college football team the Florida Gators to be used as a mascot after everything had wrapped up. He does get lucky enough to gnaw on more than a handful of idiotic pedestrians and fools before finding himself back underground (sorry for the slight spoiler). There is a rather wonderful moment involving our villainous creation just hanging out in an alley after he bursts through solid concrete on the street, and it feels like something that could have fit in just fine with one of the better SyFy channel productions that rarely come out these days.


Does Alligator feel a bit flawed or dated? Well, sure. But considering that most of these flicks were churned out with such little regard for actual quality in mind (which reminds me: man do I still hate Barracuda), it is head and heels above a good portion of its contemporaries. If you're willing to just sit back, put on a smile, and drink in/during the whole thing, Lewis Teague's reptilian rampage makes for a good time killer. Unfortunately, the DVD for this effort runs for more than even I think it is worth, and until a company as reputable as Arrow Video or Scream! Factory picks it up for distribution, the easiest method for one to watch it is via websites such as YouTube or Amazon Video.



Besides, there are far worse ways for you to waste your precious minutes...

Oh come on, you knew that you could sense that joke coming from a mile away.

In the first half of the 1990s, it seemed as though every single cult favorite from the precious horror period of the prior decade received a surprise sequel. This was the case for gems such as Stan Winston's Pumpkinhead, Kevin S. Tenney's Night of the Demons, and Lewis Teague's Alligator. Why were these occurring you ask? My guess is that the higher ups at certain studios were bored, figuring that one can make a follow-up without requiring any semblance of a budget because some (but not all) horror fans are putzes, and we are willing to watch damn near anything that you drop into our laps. That, or there was an insane amount of cocaine being snorted, which resulted in them running into a video store and perusing the aisles for ideas.


In all seriousness though, I feel that the need to write a synopsis for Alligator 2: The Mutation is wholly unnecessary, as the movie is undeserving of one. Save for some minor changes, the plot is a duplicate of its predecessor, with toxic waste in place of enhanced, deceased test animals. These include the same character stereotypes such as corrupt politicians, a grizzled cop with more than a few wisecracks up his sleeve (played this time by Joseph Bologna of Blame it on Rio & Superman: The Animated Series fame), a female scientist who assists the crew (portrayed by a sadly wooden Dee Wallace), a gator hunter whose tools and techniques are ultimately useless against the creature, and more useless piles of flesh than even I can not recall. Perhaps the only interesting performers who show up in the picture are professional wrestlers Toru Tanaka and Alexis Smirnoff, who amusingly appear in a nightclub that apparently treats the sport as real, with the film's human antagonist stating that he has "fixed" the fights for the evening. If this sequel had centered solely around the NWA and WWF veterans taking on the gigantic pest that was bothering the city, it would have receive nothing but the highest of accolades from me.


Besides being a retread of the first movie, Alligator 2's secondary problem comes from the fact that it just isn't very entertaining. Even with Bologna doing his best to try and have some fun with the material provided, the film seems to be taking itself a little more seriously this time around, which I feared would be the case after I took a brief glimpse at its page over on imdb.com. So, in the end, what you're left with is an uninspired sequel that isn't cool, isn't funny, isn't particularly gory (although the use of a rocket launcher towards the climax almost makes up for a rather lame massacre that takes place at a carnival), and could constitute as the dullest form of plagiarism. Though it is available to stream on YouTube and the like, I plead that you save your money and brain cells by doing anything more productive.



One more thing before I go: when your release is lazy enough to reuse stock footage from the first picture on more than one occasion, then it proves that you just suck beyond belief. Yes, I'm aware that my beloved Toho did this multiple times during the late 1960s and early 1970s, but their movies still featured a Kaiju with a buzzsaw for a belly & hooks for hands fighting alongside of a three-headed, flying golden dragon. Alligator 2 does not.



I BID YOU GOOD DAY SIR.




Tomorrow, Larry Cohen makes his long-awaited return to Unseen Terror, and we trade the dangers of the sewer for the horrors found in the skies of Manhattan!

Jingle All The Way 2 (2014) Review

Wow. Just wow. I didn't realize that it has been a little over an entire month since I last updated this blog with a new film review. If my memory hasn't completely faded, then I recall saying that a post-Unseen Terror wrap-up was coming very soon. Searching through my drafts, I did see what was to be, but never came about. So, maybe I'll do something like that with any upcoming free time (it has been fairly hellacious at work).


*looks at the post title* Ah shit, there's a review to do right now though, isn't there?

Divorced dad Larry wants nothing but the best for his eight-year-old daughter Noel. Though he provides her with plenty of free time, fun, and social activities, he just can't compete with her rich, new stepdad Victor. Attempting to think of ways to please the young lady, he secretly peeks at her letter to Santa Claus. In it, he discovers that her utmost desire is this season's hottest toy: an electronic, voice-recording item called The Harrison Bear. When Victor also discovers this request, he sets out to beat the trailer-bound Southerner to the demanded plaything. Over the course of several nights, the two begin a race to Noel's heart, hoping that she will thank one of them for the best Christmas ever.


If it wasn't known to all of my friends who occasionally frequent this page, I reviewed one of WWE Studios' latest attempts at making themselves a more respectable commodity in the rather crowed movie industry. Around that time period, two more straight-to-video releases found their ways to the Redboxes and On-Demand channels of the world in the form of See No Evil 2 and Jingle All The Way 2. For reasons that I am honest-to-god not sure of, I've decided to sit down and watch both within this past week. A review for their horror-themed flick should be coming within the next few days, but for now, and before I head off to see Crowbar and Unearth play in Wilmington, North Carolina tonight, let's get this one out of the way.


There isn't a whole lot that I personally like about 1996's Jingle All The Way, though I can certainly understand as to why it has a fairly decent following among connoisseurs of bad cinema. Much like a good portion of sequels released far after their predecessors' times have passed, the news of a second installment being released in this new decade befuddled me. Sure, Arnold Schwarzenegger has fallen on hard times, and most of his recent projects have bombed critically and financially, but I doubted that he would sink to a level this low. That and he did have an unmistakable presence that kept you watching throughout its ninety two minutes of mediocrity.


To the surprise of abso-fucking-lutely nobody, standup comedian Larry The Cable Guy (whose protagonist is also named Larry) is not Arnold Schwarzenegger. Truth be told, he isn't even Michael Dudikoff. For most of Jingle All The Way 2's running time (it runs only one minute longer than the prior picture), he is playing an even stupider version of his on-stage persona, with traits and pratfalls borrowed from the late Jim Varney. Most of Larry's scenes consist of him getting physically abused by children, the elderly, or by some unseen deity who hates bad jokes and the overuse of the "womp womp"-style of humor. Also unlike Arnold's fourth attempt at a comedic role is his lack of a true rival. Sure, you might be looking at the cast list and see that actor Sinbad is nowhere to be found (when you can say that he of all people has more dignity than this, you know you're in trouble), but professional wrestler Santino Marella is. After all, his own personality on television is that of an exaggerated, goofy Italian stereotype, so maybe he can bring something worthwhile to this treatment of excrement. Well, you are gravely mistaken. He serves as a pseudo-sidekick, and save for a mere bit of foreshadowing in the first ten minutes, only pops in here and there to say something of absolutely no merit or importance. Worst of all is that he isn't even in character when he does enter the fray. The picture's central antagonist is Victor, played by occasional Michael Bay buddy Brian Stepanek. Until the thirty minute mark had passed, I didn't even suspect that he had any nefarious schemes or tricks whatsoever, as they spent a good portion of the first act making our "hero" out to look like an annoying redneck and making Victor look like a struggling, eager-to-please stepfather. Then again, expecting consistency in a film written by the man who brought us Without A Paddle: Nature's Calling and directed by the individual who shat out Chairman Of The Board seemed like something that was utterly, utterly hopeless.


As if this wasn't obvious, there is nothing redeeming about Jingle All The Way 2. The flick barely even appeals to followers of the "Redneck Comedy" group, as it is extremely watered down for family entertainment. It's also too painstakingly boring and derivative of better Christmas-themed films, so mom and pop might actually fall asleep if they insert it into their DVD or Blu-Ray player any time soon. Let's just forget that this even exists, alright? If you're thinking about spending any currency on it, give it to the nearest homeless person that you find. Chances are that he'll spend it on something more productive, buy a sandwich, a beer, or may even have bought the movie as a gift, only to be thrown out on the streets as a result of that decision.



On the plus side, it is infinitely better than Delta Farce.

Unseen Terror 2014: Day 2

Three years have passed since the "Judas Breed," a newer scientifically-designed brand of insect created to combat rare diseases, grew to an immense size and began to hunt down humankind, their only true threat. While initially thought to have been completely eradicated in an underground explosion, entomologist Remi Panos, comrade to Judas Breed creator Susan Tyler, theorizes that some of these bugs may have survived after all. Worse yet, the strand may have begun to evolve and take on new characteristics, including the ability to physically resemble human beings.


No, that tagline listed on the home video is far from being accurate. At all. There are numerous ways to get rid of what essentially is a giant cockroach with sharpened legs and the ability to use them as weapons. Fire and guns do wonders.


Now that I've gotten that little bit of misleading garbage out of the way, I'm quite certain that Mimic 2: Hardshell (a subtitle that I'm convinced was only inserted to attract Netflix viewers since I can't seem to find it on many other releases of the film) is hardly the type of end result that Guillermo Del Toro, director of the previous installment, would have ever imagined would occur after his noted box office disappointment was released in 1998. If they chosen to subtitle it "Halfshell," and the movie had been about the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles contracting rabies, then maybe the end result would have made for a better experience.


Alix Koromzy reprises her role as Remi Panos, the best friend to Mira Sorvino from the first film. It was nice to see a familiar face return, but to be honest, she was barely familiar to someone like myself. The lady is nearly unrecognizable, and it wasn't until the very end that I recalled her being in Mimic at all, especially since she only had about ten or fifteen minutes worth of screen time in Del Toro's picture. It's the equivalent of if Danny Cooksey's character from Terminator 2: Judgement Day was cast as the lead in a future sequel. By no means is she an unsympathetic character, but the problem with Remi taking center stage is that she is almost too weird for her own good. While complaining about being an "oddball magnet" earlier on, she proceeds to go on a date wherein she does absolutely nothing but talk about the reproductive cycle of assorted insects. Look, I'm the furthest thing from a casanova, but just because you're passionate about something out of the ordinary, doesn't mean you should bring it up during dinner conversation. There's a reason that I won't gush about Godzilla films to most women that I meet. Koromzy could have gushed more in scenes outside of this one though, since she seems to resemble and channel a zombified Cynthia Nixon whenever she has to act or read important lines.


She's joined by a kid who loves to do hoodrat stuff with his friends, and a horny ex-student who seems like he took all of his cues from the cast of The Outsiders, but forgot to add any interesting traits outside of those to help him stand out. They find themselves holed up inside of a school (which at one point contains an all-too-brief appearance from character actor Jon Polito), and the film turns into a copy of the previous installment, with the trio to survive until help arrives or the school if fumigated. Which itself was a ripoff of certain events from Alien & Aliens. This comparison isn't necessarily a bad thing, because hey, if you're going to steal from another franchise, it might as well be from a good one, but it doesn't establish an identity for itself (tell me that the final twenty minutes isn't similar to Ridley Scott's picture and I will argue with you for approximately sixty seconds).


I feel like I haven't taken any time to discuss the Judas Breed bugs themselves though. They're certainly more bloodthirsty this time around, and they product a higher body count than GDT's previous film did. The special and visual effects behind some of the creatures do look admirable, at least when you consider that this went straight-to-DVD. It almost makes you forget that there's an abundance of that dreaded early-2000s CGI scattered throughout as well. Up close, they look fairly impressive, and you can see that there was some level of respect retained from the original. But then, the new plot twist takes effect, with the breed learning how to wear human faces (seriously) and the movie just kind of takes a sharp nosedive because of it. Mimic 2's conclusion also inspires way too many unintentional laughs, with the final prop and act committed to said prop make it look like something out of a Gwar show.


Without spoiling too many other plot elements, I can sum up Mimic 2 in one "Simpsons" quote: "Aww,  so that's what's wrong with the little fella: he misses casual sex." You do the thinking yourself there. Despite a few bright spots here and there, you can pretty much hit this one with a can of raid and stick with the first film, which while being far from perfect (shameless review link here), was infinitely more enjoyable and at least had the message of not trying to play god or misuse science.

Young adult Marvin, one of several survivors of the infamous disease that spread throughout Manhattan children in 1998, spends his day holed up in his room due to an intense sensitivity to chemicals in the environment. In order to help fight the threat of boredom, he takes numerous photos of his surrounding neighbors from his apartment window. Over the course of several days, Marvin and younger sister Rosy take heed of several disappearances around the surrounding area, including those of whom Marvin has photographed before. Through investigation, the siblings discover that the culprits may have a truly frightening connection to the young man's past.


From the opening scene of a child being brutally murdered by a cloaked, killer bug, I was under the assumption that Mimic 3: Sentinel was trying to go for more cheap thrills and be another generic nature-gone-amok motion picture. But then I glanced at the cast list, and saw far more familiar faces than I ever thought I would. My confidence that perhaps quality could be delivered from this second, and most likely unneeded sequel, had risen ever so slightly.


Mimic 3: Sentinel should truthfully be called Rear Window: Now With Bugs! It's far from an original concept, and is even more blatant with paying tribute to superior directors and pictures. But like I said above, if you're going to rip somebody off, you might as well take it from someone with talent. It does actually boast some Hitchcockian themes, including the idea of toying with the audience during pivotal segments, and choosing to build to a shock rather than rush things. But that's the last time you'll ever hear me bring up that legend's name in a review about a flick which features a man getting stabbed in the face who still manages to fire off a shotgun several seconds later, and yet does no damage despite landing a clear headshot himself.


The slower pacing of the third film is both its greatest asset and its biggest downfall. Writer and director J.T. Petty, who would go on to direct the pretty darn great The Burrowers (shameless review link number two here) has no doubt that he wants the audience to care, and root for, its heroes and protagonists. He accomplishes it better than I expected him to, but outside of Marvin and his sister Rosy (who you may identify from Broken Flowers), there are far too many expendable secondary ones who serve as nothing but food for the bugs. Even Amanda Plummer, playing Marvin's mother, and Lance Henriksen, playing a withdrawn and mysterious neighbor only nicknamed "The Garbageman," don't serve much of a point, as they're both in the movie for about ten to twelve minutes apiece. Because of this, the final act feels like an afterthought, speeding to a conclusion that felt like it was written on the day of shooting. Mimic 3: Sentinel also boasts a running time of seventy seven minutes, which is criminal for a movie such as this. Even the bugs themselves, which are hidden by terrible lighting (or lack thereof), don't get much screen time until the final act. How this film cost ten million dollars to make is flabbergasting to me, especially since the terrible CGI from Mimic 2 seems to have been carried over to this installment as well.


I would have been more than happy to give J.T. Petty's sequel a recommendation had the wrap-up not been so rushed (plus the film doesn't conclude as much as it just…stops), and the film had added a good twenty minutes or more to its running time. As it stands, Mimic 3: Sentinel is only decent enough to warrant an afternoon viewing out of sheer boredom and desperation to kill time.



Or if you have a secret desire to see Honey Pie from Pulp Fiction get stabbed by a giant bug and then set aflame.



Tomorrow, we're taking a break from the bugs and picking up some hot, new toys with Annabelle!

Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues (2013) Review

As the era of the 1970s has come to a close, legendary anchorman Ron Burgundy has been dealing with a rough life. His dream of moving to the evening news team as head anchorman have been crushed, with the position going to his now-wife Veronica Corningstone instead, and as a result, he splits from his love. Six months later, Burgundy is pursued and found by a man named Freddie Shapp, who tasks Ron, now working at Sea World, with reassembling his news team for a job at the first, inaugural twenty-four hour news network.


You may have to forgive me for this, but as archaic as this question might sound, is Will Ferrell the Adam Sandler of the post-90s era of comedies? Both men started out as bright prospects on Saturday Night Live, found a natural calling in cinema, and have managed to turn into humongous stars and guaranteed box office moneymakers. Despite most professional critics having mixed to negative feelings on the projects of both, they have their dedicated fanbases, who will travel out of their way (occasionally more than once) to give these two men their hard-earned cash in exchange for some good belly laughs and a nice escape from reality. Add to that the fact that both comedians can still prove their worth as "professional" actors if it is ever required (in Ferrell's case, Stranger Than Fiction and Everything Must Go), and I think it may be hard to argue with this comparison, unless you are oblivious and ate glue until you reached the age of fourteen.


Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues has been festering around for nearly three years, and Ferrell himself had to convince distributor Paramount Pictures that this film had to come to fruition. Mind you, the argument could be made that these characters and the plot have been rehashed in nearly every project Ferrell and co-writer/director Adam McKay have had a hand in, but that can be saved for another post. I'll confess to being a fan of the first picture, but I never possessed a strong desire to see a sequel to Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy, especially given the erratic track records of the two gentlemen mentioned above. Comedy sequels have a great tendency to take away from the greatness of their predecessors, or in some cases, make you forget how much you genuinely enjoyed them in the first place (see Son of the Mask for this instance….actually, don't see that film. Ever). Mercifully, this makes a good effort to stay out of such dreadful, horrifying waters. But it doesn't do much to make it a worthwhile film.


It feels as if everyone is on autopilot for most of their time spent on screen, and in a large percentage of these cases, it appears as though the actors forgot how to portray the characters they helped make so famous amongst the college and young adult crowd in the first place. Ferrell is in decent form, though he seems to be firing on all cylinders, with not all of the one-liners and insults working in his favor. Paul Rudd is largely underutilized, though he does manage to provide one of the more amusing character reintroductions seen in a sequel. However, Steve Carell is easily the biggest offender here, turning Brick Tamland from a character that was moronic, to a character that is simply too stupid to function, even in a wildly outrageous world such as this. Most of his dialogue consists of yelling loudly or flat-out forcing you to elicit any emotion whatsoever, be it anger or amusement. As a result of these changes, as well as more of a focus on idiocy and lunacy than actual decent writing, you may find yourself emitting more quiet groans or, if you're lucky, slight chuckles than hearty laughs.


Speaking of laughs, we're subjected to the biggest waste of newer talent I've seen in a sequel in quite some time. They aren't giving much of the new cast a lot to work with in the first place, and as a result, it just feels like they wanted to take advantage of the larger budget that was given. You have a rival anchorman in the form of James Marsden, a sexy new boss played by Meagan Good, and an incompetent secretary played by Kristen Wiig of Saturday Night Live fame. Marsden is fine and all, but it feels like his role could have been played by nearly any handsome man that auditioned. Good's whole schtick seems to be "Hey! A BLACK WOMAN is the boss! She's….black!" That works well for about one minute, and it all leads to a scene that I'm sure you've seen in the trailers by now, as Anchorman 2's marketing campaign has been the closest thing to overexposure you could receive from a comedy released in 2013. But they're utilized far more properly than Wiig, who felt crowbarred into this picture. Goodness knows that a woman of her comedic talents can usually twist something that's flat into something memorable, but there is virtually nothing memorable about her character. On the plus side, Anchorman 2's ending sequence is rather spectacular, filled to the brim with cameos and over-the-top hilarity, providing a brief glimpse into the ridiculousness and nuanced satire that made the first film so wonderful. However, all they're doing is rehashing and trying to out-absurd the original film's news anchor showdown by increasing the amount of people present, and even the movie's true conclusion is ultimately just a nod to Anchorman 1's final act itself. All of this will just make you want to view the 2004 film again instead.


Man of Steel can breathe a sigh of relief before this year has concluded, since I believe Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues kicks and stomps its way into the top spot of my most disappointing film of the year so far. Then again, I realize that we're less than two weeks away from the clocks striking 2014, so maybe this will end up being my most disappointing film of the year in general. There isn't anything that brought about anger from me with this picture (save for nearly every time that Steve Carell opened his mouth), but to say that it shat upon my expectations would be an understatement among understatements, especially since I went in with essentially none whatsoever. Still, you Will Ferrell fanatics who have stuck by him through thick and thin (and films like Semi-Pro) are going to watch it no matter what I say. Perhaps I myself was just looking for something different though.

Unseen Terror 2013: Day 11

When two scuba diving students end up missing, the head diving instructor and her new biochemist boyfriend decide to go in search for them. It doesn't take long for the young couple's whereabouts to be discovered, but their bodies have been horribly mangled, and they seem to be the victim of an aquatic animal attack, specifically something that has been inhabiting a sunken freighter near a Caribbean hotel resort. This "something," it turns out, is a new strain of killer piranha, ones who have gained an ability to fly and glide through the air, making them a threat wherever they may be.


If you're reading that synopsis and wondering "Who in the living hell directed this pile of crap?," well that would be one Mr. James Cameron, thank you very much. One of the most successful and heralded directors of all time, this was the man's first real break in cinema, though he might not acknowledge it as such, and Piranha II has a bit of a messy background for that matter. Cameron was originally hired to do special effects, but was then hired as the actual director for the film once the original director (Miller Drake) left the project. And yet after a small amount of time, Cameron himself was fired and replaced by the Italian producer on the movie itself (Piranha II is a largely Italian-based effort). Yet his name is still credited since they were contractually obligated to have an American be cited as the director. Confusing? Absolutely. Thankfully, the Terminator director doesn't seem embarrassed or angered to talk about this project now these days (unlike David Fincher and Alien 3), referring to it as "the best flying piranha film ever made," so that's good to hear.


All of this being said, Piranha II: The Spawning is an absolute abortion of a movie, and no director in the world could make this movie close to good, or even watchable. Roger Corman's presence was sorely needed here since these filmmakers just have no clue about what they're doing here with the small budget they've been handed, and presumably they blew most of it on booking hotels and getting the women in the movie topless or buying them fancy swimsuits. There's some sort of attempt to try and mix in hammy humor too (I can only guess somebody in Italy loved Animal House or films like it while writing the "script"), but it just proceeds to irritate you more than amuse you and ends up making you wish for a quicker death for everyone involved, be it the characters in the film or those writing the comedy. And don't get me started on the piranha, which were rarely seen in the original outside of flashes here and there, but this time around, these are very obviously props, but entry-level props at best. They look incredibly bad, and while they themselves aren't seen a particularly great amount either, their own presence was sorely needed in order to save me from utter boredom, since we don't get any fatalities outside of the opening sequence until about the 45-50 minute mark.


On the plus side, the soundtrack to Piranha II is actually quite decent, and could work well if this were any other film but this one. This was also the first time, at least to my knowledge, that director James Cameron worked with actor Lance Henriksen, who tries the best with what he has as the irritated ex-husband police officer of the aforementioned diving instructor. This idea isn't honestly terrible either, at least when you consider the other amount of inane, crazy garbage out there that exists in the realm of horror, but the execution is just so awfully done, that it is beyond redemption. It might be best to avoid this one unless you're looking to give yourself a headache.


Besides, it can't be the worst movie out there involving killer piranha, can it?

When a resort owner's daughter and her boyfriend go missing, private investigator Maggie McNamara and local Paul Grogan go on a search for her, stumbling across a seemingly abandoned research facility. While snooping around, they unknowingly unleash a new strain of piranha into the river, endangering the lives of everyone nearby.


As it turns out, Piranha II: The Spawning is indeed the lesser of two evils in this case, but I'm suspecting that my mind may change over time. And by "over time," I mean between approximately one day and one week. 1995's Piranha, as you could probably guess, is a remake of the 1978 film of the same name, and like the original, is also produced by B-movie master Roger Corman. For reasons that I'm still not certain of, but can most likely ascribe to boredom, Roger Corman decided that two of his most beloved films produced during the New World Pictures heyday of the 70s and 80s should be remade for Showtime during the 1990s, the other being Humanoids From the Deep. I was actually considering reviewing the latter for this year's countdown as well, as I have quite the fondness its original as well, but legitimately couldn't track the thing down in time, and decided it wasn't worth my time.


Perhaps one may wonder as to why Roger Corman would even bother going forward with a remake of a film he was fairly proud of producing in the first place, and after finishing this effort (a mere eighty minutes long), all I could ask myself was...why indeed? Why bother sit through this, as it does nothing to improve on the original, and in some ways, actually does many things worse than it? True, you get a few recognizable faces here and there (including a very young Mila Kunis), and the blood & gore makeup effects are almost decent enough to be passable, but so much of the film is littered with stock footage of the original, which is inexplicably lazy by any decade's standards. Piranha's script is nearly word for word a copy and paste of the 1978 version as well, doing a remarkable job of into the territory of insulting, and hurting the overall fun factor. The only real difference I could recall was switching the gender of the main scientist who was experimenting on the fish themselves, and that was completely irrelevant. It is also devoid of nearly any and all humor that Joe Dante's original film had, taking itself far too seriously from the very start.


There isn't anything else to say about 1995's Piranha, besides that at least the women are attractive to look at, and the end credits features a god awful grunge/alt-metal band by the name of Uncle Dog Food playing some song about piranha and how they eat you. Ooh, must've taken you guys weeks to write that little ditty. Speaking of the piranha, remember the sound effects of the original film or two when they were attacking? Well, now they sound like dolphins having sex with eagles when they're in a frenzy. Seriously. Unless you're looking for an expensive coaster, or a nice companion piece to something like Hellraiser: Revelations in your "Let's pretend this doesn't exist" value pack, I don't believe you should waste your time.



Tomorrow, the fishes may have their final say with BARRACUDA!

Unseen Terror 2012: Day 27

The spooky host known as "The Creep" presents three more chilling tales from Stephen King and George Romero. First, a Native American statue comes to life in order to exact revenge on some hoodlums. Second, four people find themselves stranded on a raft in the middle of a lake, with a strange, black blob surrounding them. Third, the victim of a hit and run will not rest, and continuously harasses his murderer...


Controversial statement time: I think Creepshow is the best horror anthology film ever made. Every segment is distinctive, the acting is fine, and overall, it's just a blast to watch. Given the surprise success of the film, I can't say I was surprised when many years ago I was told of this film's existence. Unfortunately, what we get isn't up to par with its predecessor. For starters, I was bummed out to discover that there are only three stories in Creepshow 2, as opposed to the original's five. I'm not saying that more is better, but it would have offered more substance.

The first segment, "Old Chief Wood'nhead," was probably my favorite, even if it was the most predictable of the bunch. It feels closer to a supernatural tale of revenge than a horror film, but it does have some wonderfully silly performances from everyone involved. I thought we could have saved the potential twist of the statue coming to life for a little later, as we see it on a couple of occasions before the bloodshed where it is clearly alive. There's a hell of a lot of exposition towards the middle, but we are dealing with a short after all, so there isn't much time to spend on filming an entire backstory. Fun.

"The Raft" is arguably the most memorable of these tales, and it isn't hard to see why. The deaths are fairly cool, and the monster itself reminded me of a mixture of Hedorah's vomit and the title creature from The Blob. The makeup work here excels too, with some great work from the usually reliable Greg Nicotero. If the acting would've been stronger, and the characters a tad bit more relatable, I think this would've been my favorite. As it turns out, it just ends up being decent.

My biggest complaints lie with the final segment, "The Hitchhiker." The concept is amusing, and there is an always fun cameo from Stephen King himself, but it is brought down by some one of the worst choices for a segment that I've ever seen: having the main character speak in "thought bubbles." As it was evidenced in 2009's Watchmen, this idea doesn't always work, and some lines of dialogue are best left printed and not read. Like the first segment, this is also entirely too predictable, but it does have breasts, so there you go.

In the end, Creepshow 2 is just kind of...there. I didn't find anything offensively terrible, but there was nothing terribly great to enjoy. If you're curious about wanting to watch this, I can't fault you for wanting to do so.

Now if it's Creepshow 3 you're interested in watching, then we may have to talk.


Tomorrow, we're taking a trip back to the 70s (and away from Sequelville) with THE SENTINEL.

Unseen Terror 2012: Day 26

After some bizarre events have left their friends dead at the hands of the monsters inside of an evil wax museum, Mark and Sarah make their way home, hoping to forget about everything they've witnessed. Within a few hours, a disembodied hand from one of the figures kills Sarah's stepfather, and despite getting rid of the evil hand afterwards, she is blamed for the murder. Soon, Sarah and Mark discover a compass that belonged to Mark's grandfather, which can help them traverse different dimensions, and will hopefully be able to help clear Sarah's name.


Last year I reviewed 1988's Waxwork, a pretty decent little horror/comedy with some good imagination to help make up for its weak start. Naturally, a sequel (and in this case, a DIRECT sequel) was released four years after the original's theatrical run, and so Waxwork II: Lost In Time, has come to be. If "Sequely" was an actual word, this would be it to a tee.

Director Anthony Hickox and star Zach Galligan are back, but unfortunately co-star Deborah Foreman turned down the offer to return as love interest Sarah Brightman (how in the hell did I miss making a joke about that last year?!), so she's replaced by a woman who looks absolutely nothing like her. Shockingly, I think I actually preferred newcomer Monika Schnarre though, who tries to bring a level of spunk and humor to a character that I thought was flat and irritating in the first. We're also treated to bit parts from David Carradine (R.I.P.) and Bruce Campbell, who naturally, are awesome for the little amount of time they have.

For the first two thirds of the movie, the idea of time hopping through what were essentially the same type of absurd and nonrealistic segments from the first film, confused me quite a bit, but one segment with an unhealthy amount of exposition later, any and all questions we have are answered. Almost immediately, the comedy starts to overtake the horror, and while I love both genres near and dear, I personally prefer a proper balance of the two, since I feel it wields the best results. The first Waxwork wasn't shy or subtle with its homages to a plethora of films from all across the board, but they turn it up to 11 this time around. I don't even have the time to list all of the parodies and homages I was able to spot, and some are even vital to the film's plot (including the ending). There is some pretty cheesy effects work going on as well, though it may been intentionally so. Also, better utterance of the phrase "Kill the bitch" EVER.

This film's kind of a mess, and way too silly at times, but it's the type of mess that you can have an enjoyable time with. I think a proper comparison would be that this is to Army of Darkness what Waxwork was to Evil Dead II. There seems to be a subliminal message to the audience, telling us "Don't take this too seriously," and that's the same advice I can give out. Watching it back to back with the original is the best route one can take.

Tomorrow, we're still sick with sequelitis, and I can hope that CREEPSHOW 2 is the cure.