Unseen Terror 2018: Day 7

In the old west, two travelers happen upon each other. One is on his way to meet with his wife for a romantic reunion, while the other is a bounty hunter carrying a body so that he may reap the $2,000 reward that has been put out. To pass the time, the men decide to try and one up another with eerie tales.



I apologize that today's review may be rather short. I'm still under the weather, and have two lengthy overnight shifts scheduled at my store, of which will likely leave me temporarily exhausted. Still, I refuse to fall behind this year, and given how quick of a watch this one is, I'm not letting any roadblocks stop me just yet.


Grim Prairie Tales can be summarized in one breath: Darth Vader and Chucky sit around a fire and regale one another with mediocre horror fables that make those found in Are You Afraid of the Dark? look frightening in comparison. It's actually a damn shame that this picture isn't about Brad Dourif and James Earl Jones, because their interactions and exchanges of dialogue are so friggin' great. I'm of the mindset that thinks it's utterly bizarre to see the former play a "straight" man in ANY picture, while the latter has been made up to look somewhat unrecognizable (though his booming voice is nigh impossible to disguise). They're making the best of lines that most performers could never deliver without sounding utterly ridiculous, and god bless both of them for it.


As fun as the narrative may be, the "tales" themselves are remarkably dull. Our first one, which boils down to Native Americans getting revenge on an evil white guy, feels like something that would be submitted for a short film festival and forgotten about the next day. Number two revolves around a random man assisting a seemingly pregnant woman, and sports the most peculiar (and "WTF"-worthy) twist of the pack. The third is probably the most interesting and mature, but that's only because it has no supernatural ties and is focused on someone being forced into participating in a lynch mob. Our final segment, where a gunslinger believes he is being haunted by someone he previously shot, has a ton of potential (and an actor who is dead ringer for Tim Roth), but feels very rushed and ends with a bit of a whimper.


In the world of horror anthologies, Grim Prairie Tales is among the weakest. Despite a small handful of fun moments and some great chemistry between Jones and Dourif, it just doesn't have enough pizazz to warrant an immediate viewing. Hopefully someone will just cut all of the scenes involving the two most well-known performers into one short film on YouTube, so that you can otherwise avoid this entirely. As it stands, there is no legal way to obtain this collection, and unless you feel like spending a good chunk of change on a VHS tape, you are likely going to have to visit a bootleg booth at your local convention like I did (shoutout yet again to the VHSPS guys).



Tomorrow, I feel as though we're owed a solid slasher flick. So, let's stay outside and set up camp, shall we?

Unseen Terror 2017: Day 31 & Post-Marathon Thoughts

Before you chastise me, yes I am fully aware that this post is being published two days after the grandiose time known as Halloween has concluded. Still, it isn't like this is a totally uncommon occurrence, right? Last year, I had to summarize the final three days' worth of entries into one abnormally long post, and in 2015, it took me nearly TWO MONTHS to publish my thoughts on the god damn big screen adaptation of Goosebumps. Hopefully this doesn't become a regular thing. But hell, I can't turn down the opportunity to watch Phantasm on a big screen, can I? Without further adieu, let us get to the final film for October 2017's Unseen Terror.

Sometimes I hate horror anthologies. Mind you, not for the content found within, but mostly because it is so incredibly hard to review them. Do you choose to talk about every single segment involved in the actual cut of the film itself? Do you do it as a collective? These decisions are rather difficult, but not impossible to do. Still, 2015's Tales of Halloween, which brings together eleven different filmmakers to direct ten different stories (two share the credit for "This Means War") had me intrigued. Cinematic compendiums that take place on or around All Hallows' Eve aren't as commonplace these days as they could be, and the last ones that immediately come to mind for me are Mike Dougherty's now-classic Trick 'r Treat from 2007 and Kevin Smith's frankly awful segment in last year's mediocre Holidays. Thankfully, these installments seem to be in rather competent hands, with more prominent figures in the small horror scene from across the map sitting in the director's chair this time around.


Tales of Halloween already won points with me by casting Adeienne Barbeau (The Fog, Creepshow) as its voiceover DJ. While not really adding anything to the picture overall, it's still a treat to hear the lady return to the genre that helped make her famous. They also take advantage of the "free domain" market by playing George Romero's iconic Night of the Living Dead on the televisions at any opportunity that is given. Our first segment doesn't quite set the standard of what we should expect, although the concept of a babysitter and her boyfriend trying to scare a little kid with a tale of a child who killed his parents because he wasn't allowed to eat candy is fairly cute. Predictable as the results may be, it's wrapped up with some nice makeup work. Next, we move on to Darren Lynn Bousman's (Saw II-IV) charmingly dark story about a kid whose encounter with Satan himself doesn't exactly go down the way he thinks it will. For me, this ended up being one of Tales' highlights in the first half of its batch, and features an unexpected reveal towards the conclusion. And if we can discuss this movie's positives, I feel as if Lucky McKee (May) deserves special praise for the rather amusingly-titled "Ding Dong," which reunites the director with Pollyanna McIntosh (The Woman, The Walking Dead). She is a real delight to watch here, as she gets the ability to go balls out and act rather creepy as a lady who is rather upset that she is unable to bear children, but hides other secrets from the audience. It's a pleasure to see these two pop up together again in some sort of capacity. The one tale that will most likely get the best feedback from fans is "Friday the 31st," which is helmed by the relatively unknown Mike Mendez (Big Ass Spider!). What starts off as a run-of-the-mill slasher turns into an absurd, but hilarious tale involving a "foreign" visitor who gets rather upset that he doesn't receive any treats during the evening. This was the closest that I came to flat-out loving anything in Tales of Halloween, and for as outspoken as I am about bootlegging, you should really watch this as soon as....well, here you go actually.


Truth be told, most of Tales' parts feel as if they could have been featured as shorts on a DVD compilation, but none of them are especially bad. Well, save for Axelle Carolyn's "Grim Grinning Ghost," which despite featuring appearances from genre veterans like Lin Shaye (Critters, There's Something About Mary) and Mick Garris (Critters 2, The Stand), is a massive letdown that just kind of concludes with a wet fart. The same can be said for Paul Solet's "The Weak and the Wicked," as it feels slightly out of place and wastes the talents of the rather vexing Grace Phipps (Teen Beach Movie) and Jack Dylan Grazer (It). They also manage to incorporate soon-to-be-defunct heavy music act Trap Them into a chase sequence, but I have to subtract several points for not crediting them for the songs that they used. Mercifully, it was preceded by a much more promising ten minute-long piece: "Trick" starts off as what we will assume to be a play on 2008's The Strangers, but takes a rather nice turn for the better in the last minute or so. By the time that we reached the second-to-last segment in Tales of Halloween, I had noticed that most, if not all of its fables were about throwing in as many plot twists as they could muster instead of just playing it straightforward. That does become mildly irksome, but doesn't detract from the overall enjoyment.


It isn't very likely that this will go down as an all time great (especially since it's only two years old as of this writing), but Tales of Halloween does its job well enough to warrant a thumbs up in my book. The hits far outnumber the misses, the acting is decent, and its aura is one that tells the audience to just kick off their shoes and have fun. Putting this on at a party alongside of the aforementioned Trick 'r Treat or the underrated Body Bags isn't the worst of ideas that one can have. Those lucky enough to have access to Netflix's streaming service can watch this collection for no extra charge, and a slam-packed Blu-ray is out there for purchase.



Oh, and did I mention that the final chapter includes Neil Marshall (The Descent, Dog Soldiers) writing and directing a feature about evil pumpkins that eat people and also has motherfucking Joe Dante (Gremlins, The Howling, Piranha) in it?


No?


Well.........it does.




Anyways, that should do it for the motion picture aspect of this blog-o-thon. But I still have some final thoughts before wrapping everything up:

-If you are a user of the website Letterboxd (and if you aren't, you need to get on that asap), find me as Woodshatter1985. It serves as a nice way to keep up with what folks like you and I get around to viewing or wish to watch in the near future. Depending on how well its stock does over the next year or so, there exists a very small chance that I may just move everything over to there. Again, that won't be decided for some time, but I'm giving you a heads up just in case. Narrowing down this year's list was also the hardest that it has ever been. I had close to NINETY pictures in mind for the seventh year of Unseen Terror, and picking a little more than a third of those took quite a number of weeks to do. I've namedropped a small amount over the course of the past thirty-one days, but I'll list off a few more that just missed the cut:

-Inseminoid
-Rock 'n' Roll Nightmare
-976-Evil, (this was actually started, but due to a combination of time restraints and location, it wasn't finished)
-Storm of the Century (there was more than enough Stephen King for this year)
-Raw (there may be a review of this highly acclaimed French piece in the coming weeks)
-Phantom of the Paradise (when the Blu-ray at my store goes down in price, this could end up here next year)
-Deadtime Stories
-Breeders
-Student Bodies
-The Lure (replace my statement about POTP with "upcoming Criterion sale")
-Train to Busan (same as Raw)
-It Follows (no clue how this didn't make it in but crap like Wrestlemaniac did. I suck)
-The House on Sorority Row
-Dead & Buried
-Alice Sweet Alice
-Death Becomes Her (not really horror)
-The Others (this has missed the marathon for several years for reasons I can't explain)
-Boo 2! A Madea Halloween (.........no)
-The Changeling (confession time: I found myself falling asleep on more than a couple of occasions, but that may have been due to mental exhaustion from work. I'm willing to give this another shot at a later date, especially since it's one of the more highly-respected ghost stories out there)
-The Devil's Backbone (The same as above. I'll finish it when I'm more relaxed and focused, especially with how much I adored Cronos)


There are countless more that I didn't mention, but I'm feeling quite tired right now. As always, I hope that those of you who read this had a wonderfully entertaining Halloween and are prepared to do this again in another twelve months. Keep supporting horror and be good to one another!

Unseen Terror 2016: Day 16

Every year when I am in the process of finalizing my list for Unseen Terror, I have guidelines that I adhere to and do my hardest to follow. The first, most obvious one of these is to watch a picture that I have never seen before, which warrants a "fresh" perspective for every entry with no bias (be it negative or positive) coming in. An assortment of other rules that I have come to add over the course of seven years have also included some of the following:

• Watch at least one remake of a popular, well-respected picture (coming soon)

• View at least three foreign films, no matter the country of origin (technically completed)

• Finish one, new anthology collection

Thankfully, after stumbling across 2016's newest foray into this subcategory, the bluntly-titled Holidays, I knew that I could breathe just a bit easier now. Trust me when I say, that for as much love as I have for a good horror compilation, it is far too easy to accidentally pick out the mediocre ones from a lot that is full of fair, admirable choices. For every Trick 'R Treat, Chillerama, or Body Bags, there is something disappointing like The ABCs of Death or Cradle of Fear lurking around the corner for you. On the plus side, very few of these flicks actually require me to type up a plot synopsis for them, and hell, anything that saves me from being even more meticulous that I already am is fine by me.

Unfortunately, I almost wish that such a need was warranted with a piece like Holidays. Admittedly, you always take a risk when popping on an anthology film, regardless of whatever genre it can be filed under. There is the all-too-real possibility of it being extremely hit or miss. Some stories will excite, amuse, or even terrifying you. The leftover ones, however, could end up leaving you with a rather foul taste remaining inside of your mouth. The idea of one project flowing (nearly) perfectly from beginning to end seems like a pipe dream in this current decade, and this release from Vertical Entertainment does nothing to help matters.

As we move on to the submitted entries themselves, I will confess that my only prior knowledge of Holidays came from hearing of writer/director Kevin Smith (Clerks, Chasing Amy, Tusk) filming and presenting another new work of his own for the film. Seeing as how I was not particularly fond of his last theatrical release, I kept nearly every finger, toe, and other body part crossed that this would turn out to be infinitely more watchable and engaging than seeing Johnny Depp parade around with a bad accent again. Much to my surprise, "Halloween" ends up being one of the worst aspects about Holidays, as it just highlights multiple problems that I have these days with the guy who, at one point on, I looked up to. It's a wannabe feminist revenge fantasy mixed with dialogue that seems to written exclusively for the cast and crew to enjoy, but leaves the audience groaning and just kind of embarrassed after it has wrapped. Also, for someone who was given perhaps the easiest day of the year to work with in the script department, Smith's short is the laziest and has the least in common with its titular celebration. Kudos for casting Harley Morenstein of Epic Meal Time fame though.


In the directing department, Smith is easily the most recognizable name attached to Holidays, as the rest of the pack is comprised of the veritable "Who's That?" from modern-day horror pictures. Kevin Kolsch (Starry Eyes) pens two different tales related to New Year's Eve and Valentine's Day (while directing the latter), with both yielding fun, if not predictable results. "Father's Day" starts off promising with the big screen reappearance of the lovely, talented, and supremely underrated Jocelin Donahue (The House of the Devil), as she portrays a woman searching for her once-thought deceased parent, but as it drags along to reach this epic, terrifying reveal during its brief running time, the ordeal ends up concluding with a bit of a whimper. Still, as flawed as it was, it did pique my interest in seeing what newcomer Anthony Scott Burns will be able to concoct in the near future. I wish that the same could be said for Sarah Adina Smith's "Mother's Day" and Gary Shore's "St. Patrick's Day," as they come across as incredibly weak retellings of Rosemary's Baby, though possessing far more interest in the gross out or cool factor rather than the frightening one. Unbelievably, Scott Stewart (Priest, Legion) turns in the absolute best choice of the bunch with "Christmas," a black comedy that revolves around star Seth Green (Robot Chicken, Austin Powers) going to any length possible to obtain the newest virtual reality toy for his child, even if it may come back to haunt him in ways he didn't imagine. Scott's submission has a hell of a lot of charm, but unfortunately ends just when things are going from good to great. Perhaps there is a possibility of a full-length feature adaptation to come? If there isn't, such a decision wouldn't necessarily be a bad one to make.


Despite some fun moments here and there, Holidays' primary problem comes down to an unforgiveable error that is present in far too many of the segments: they end abruptly. Mind you, I can ignore such a decision if it's done once or twice, but it felt as thought there was tons of missing footage in the film reel that was lost and never found. It gets repetitive, and just sort of annoys you to the point where you are unsure if you would ever express a desire to view it again. Because of that, it helps make Holidays feel extremely disjointed, as if it never lives up to its potential. Most segments build up to something that should be fabulous, but just fizzle out or conclude with far too easy of a resolution or reveal (this finally gives me an excuse to link to this clip). It's especially flabbergasting when you consider that this motion picture omnibus is nearly two hours long and was primarily given a straight-to-home video release rather than a theatrical one, which if all things were right in the world, means that there should be free range to do whatever you feel like. Am I fully convinced that a better overall product would have been churned out if an additional, combined forty minutes to an hour was evenly distributed to the filmmakers? No. But you never know unless you try. At this present moment, the movie is not available for purchase on any disc format, but a DVD street date is approaching sooner than you think. The easiest method in which to view Holidays will come from Netflix's streaming service, who have been repeatedly advertising it for reasons that even I am not certain of.



Oh, wait. You do get to see a monstrous, mutated rabbit in the "Easter" chapter who looks like something out of the film adaptation for The Twilight Zone. Maybe that's why they are so insistent on shoving it down our throats.




Tomorrow, we head into the animated realm for several entries that lean more towards the macabre side of things, and their countries of origin are all over the map!