Sunday, October 9, 2016

Unseen Terror 2016: Day 9





Young Chicago native Marissa Kendall buys a tiny, baby alligator as a present for herself, but during one fateful day, the child's father angrily flushes the new pet down the toilet. Many years pass, and the town's head scientists have been experimenting with a growth formula that is supposed to help with agriculture. Though the initial results are proven to be a success, they have to be abandoned due to a side effect that builds an insatiable appetite in their test animals. Unbeknownst to them, a creature residing in the sewers has grown immensely due to feeding on the discarded carcasses of their laboratory subjects, and has been moving on to larger, more active prey. Marissa, who has now grown up into a herpetologist, teams up with police officer David Madison to investigate some odd sightings and disappearances related to something rumbling down below the city, and after it begins to pop up above ground, they estimate that the voracious crocodilian's length is over that of thirty-six feet. Needless to say, it must be stopped.




If you are a longtime reader of my little blog, you will know that I have gone into detail about the large number of "natural" horror films that were released in the wake of Steven Spielberg's breakout blockbuster Jaws. But for every Grizzly or Piranha (which shares the same screenplay writer as this) that was sent into theaters, we were also treated to piles of garbage like Barracuda or Devil Fish. Why, even the flick that started it all received a follow-up or two of its own, just so audiences would have their sweet tooth for human dismemberment satiated, even if it was for only ninety minutes. It makes the most amount of sense that eventually, somebody would pay attention to just how silly this subgenre was becoming, and five years after one of the greatest directors of all time warned us of the dangers of the ocean, the future director of Cat's Eye and Cujo would deliver a picture to audiences that was solid enough to both poke fun at these movies, while also remembering how to provide for some very solid entertainment in a field that was being dragged down by mediocrity.


Most contemporary motion pictures such as Alligator would believe that by playing their cards right, it would be safe to choose the easy route and present their product as a straight-forward, basic "monster on the loose" movie, which ensures a respectable, if not very average box office intake. While there are often moments that present themselves as just that, most of the flick delves into the self-aware territory that makes some particular B-movies or unexpected comedies worth repeated viewings. Of course, I am not trying to say that a film featuring an oversized gator chomping on rich yuppies at a wedding reception is up there with the best of the worst, but the chunks of John Sayles' script that are fully satirical make it work that much better (though I do wish that the original idea concocted by co-writer Frank Ray Perilli had stayed intact, as it took place in Milwaukee and involved beer consumption as the culprit behind the behemoth's growth). It has all the characteristics and necessities of a "natural" horror flick: a scumbag mayor, a hunter with prior knowledge of how to take down animals as large as these, a smartass scientist, and a cop who doesn't have time for all of this shit. Hell, we're even treated to a child death courtesy of the monstrous antagonist! Robert Forster (Jackie Brown) plays the latter adult human character, and he is appropriately treating the whole experience like a black comedy. Sadly, nobody else really stands out in the cast, but at the end of the day, it's forgivable.


Alligator's fun factor isn't solely limited to the acting or dialogue though, as the technical aspects (if you can call them that) aren't anything to scoff at either. Like its obvious inspiration, the titular creature is mostly animatronic, and does look pretty good for the few moments where it is seen in the shadows or with as little light creeping in as possible. Ironically also like "Bruce," it had multiple malfunctions during filming, and was eventually donated to college football team the Florida Gators to be used as a mascot after everything had wrapped up. He does get lucky enough to gnaw on more than a handful of idiotic pedestrians and fools before finding himself back underground (sorry for the slight spoiler). There is a rather wonderful moment involving our villainous creation just hanging out in an alley after he bursts through solid concrete on the street, and it feels like something that could have fit in just fine with one of the better SyFy channel productions that rarely come out these days.


Does Alligator feel a bit flawed or dated? Well, sure. But considering that most of these flicks were churned out with such little regard for actual quality in mind (which reminds me: man do I still hate Barracuda), it is head and heels above a good portion of its contemporaries. If you're willing to just sit back, put on a smile, and drink in/during the whole thing, Lewis Teague's reptilian rampage makes for a good time killer. Unfortunately, the DVD for this effort runs for more than even I think it is worth, and until a company as reputable as Arrow Video or Scream! Factory picks it up for distribution, the easiest method for one to watch it is via websites such as YouTube or Amazon Video.



Besides, there are far worse ways for you to waste your precious minutes...












Oh come on, you knew that you could sense that joke coming from a mile away.



In the first half of the 1990s, it seemed as though every single cult favorite from the precious horror period of the prior decade received a surprise sequel. This was the case for gems such as Stan Winston's Pumpkinhead, Kevin S. Tenney's Night of the Demons, and Lewis Teague's Alligator. Why were these occurring you ask? My guess is that the higher ups at certain studios were bored, figuring that one can make a follow-up without requiring any semblance of a budget because some (but not all) horror fans are putzes, and we are willing to watch damn near anything that you drop into our laps. That, or there was an insane amount of cocaine being snorted, which resulted in them running into a video store and perusing the aisles for ideas.


In all seriousness though, I feel that the need to write a synopsis for Alligator 2: The Mutation is wholly unnecessary, as the movie is undeserving of one. Save for some minor changes, the plot is a duplicate of its predecessor, with toxic waste in place of enhanced, deceased test animals. These include the same character stereotypes such as corrupt politicians, a grizzled cop with more than a few wisecracks up his sleeve (played this time by Joseph Bologna of Blame it on Rio & Superman: The Animated Series fame), a female scientist who assists the crew (portrayed by a sadly wooden Dee Wallace), a gator hunter whose tools and techniques are ultimately useless against the creature, and more useless piles of flesh than even I can not recall. Perhaps the only interesting performers who show up in the picture are professional wrestlers Toru Tanaka and Alexis Smirnoff, who amusingly appear in a nightclub that apparently treats the sport as real, with the film's human antagonist stating that he has "fixed" the fights for the evening. If this sequel had centered solely around the NWA and WWF veterans taking on the gigantic pest that was bothering the city, it would have receive nothing but the highest of accolades from me.


Besides being a retread of the first movie, Alligator 2's secondary problem comes from the fact that it just isn't very entertaining. Even with Bologna doing his best to try and have some fun with the material provided, the film seems to be taking itself a little more seriously this time around, which I feared would be the case after I took a brief glimpse at its page over on imdb.com. So, in the end, what you're left with is an uninspired sequel that isn't cool, isn't funny, isn't particularly gory (although the use of a rocket launcher towards the climax almost makes up for a rather lame massacre that takes place at a carnival), and could constitute as the dullest form of plagiarism. Though it is available to stream on YouTube and the like, I plead that you save your money and brain cells by doing anything more productive.



One more thing before I go: when your release is lazy enough to reuse stock footage from the first picture on more than one occasion, then it proves that you just suck beyond belief. Yes, I'm aware that my beloved Toho did this multiple times during the late 1960s and early 1970s, but their movies still featured a Kaiju with a buzzsaw for a belly & hooks for hands fighting alongside of a three-headed, flying golden dragon. Alligator 2 does not.



I BID YOU GOOD DAY SIR.




Tomorrow, Larry Cohen makes his long-awaited return to Unseen Terror, and we trade the dangers of the sewer for the horrors found in the skies of Manhattan!

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