Unseen Terror 2022: Catching the Hell Up

Sometimes I truly despise having to write. Whether that can be attributed to writer's block or lethargy I'm not sure. Still, here I am. Again. Thank you for your patience. Though I have certainly not been behind on the viewing portions of "Unseen Terror," having to log a lengthy review for every entry is sometimes grating considering that I usually come home physically and emotionally drained. Anyway, enough kvetching and moaning. Let's play "catch up," shall we?

DAY 7:

I had honest-to-Lemmy forgotten that there was a documentary out there about the rabid fanaticism for the Evil Dead franchise. Having previously reviewed documentaries about the likes of Pet Sematary and other properties, I had much higher hopes for the aptly titled Hail to the Deadites. Sadly, I really wish I could have liked this more than I did. There is some genuine love and heart to be found throughout its running time, but if you were to show this to a complete stranger (though I'm not sure who you would be able to convince to sit down and watch this without having seen a single frame of an Evil Dead flick), I imagine that their initial response would be something along the lines of "I don't get it." Worse yet is that it's shockingly boring and meandering at times. This wasn't necessarily bad, but it isn't what I would classify as a necessary viewing. Perhaps the most amusing part is how they dedicate an obscenely large amount of time to one quirky couple who met over a shared love for the films, then follow them as they prepare for their upcoming wedding. One year later, they divorced. Perhaps I'm rotten for laughing at that as hard as I did.

DAY 8:

DAY 9:

The yearly Goosebumps viewing commenced, and though I found "Vampire Breath" (pictured above) and "Calling All Creeps" to both be marginally entertaining in different ways (sadly I never read either of the books for these ones), I feel as though I'm picking scraps from the carcass that is this distinctly 90s television series from the frightening land known as Canada. The highlight comes from the former having an ending that is eerily reminiscent of a segment in The Simpsons' "Treehouse of Horror IV" episode. Whether that was intentional or not I haven't the faintest idea, but it made me chuckle, nonetheless.

DAY 10:

.....don't give me that look. I'm allowed to cheat once in a while. And besides, how can one turn down an offer to watch a Godzilla film wherein he fights a behemoth that is born from his initial demise in 1954? And that beast sports an aggregate form that resembles a giant, f'd up hybrid that looks like a gross combination of a Xenomorph (complete with a "mouth within a mouth") and a mutated crustacean? Godzilla vs. Destoroyah, the conclusion the Big G's second "era," is an entry that seems to have one foot in the door of the horror genre, as the plot revolves around a Godzilla that is, in layman's terms, overflowing with radioactivity to the point where he WILL experience a meltdown that can annihilate the entire planet (the tagline for its poster was "GODZILLA DIES" in case you doubted the severity of the situation). Perhaps one day I'll venture worth and do a revisiting of every single entry in this near seventy-year-old franchise. For now, I'll just say that you should sit down and find a way to experience every entry in what is dubbed the "Heisei" era. They all have a connecting story, some truly remarkable monsters, and grandiose scores.

DAY 11:

Y'know, considering all of the times that I've attempted to do something "themed" for the day of my birth (more often than not it's a picture released in 1985), it never dawned on me that the said-to-be underrated Happy Birthday to Me was sitting there right under my nose. Thankfully this bad boy popped up on Tubi (though with an AWFUL alternate cover) and it was about damn time that I viewed this oddity. Happy Birthday to Me, directed by the late J. Lee Thompson (of Cape Fear and Guns of Navarone fame) is more akin to a psychological thriller or "whodunit" mystery than a flat-out slasher picture, and I was pleasantly surprised by this revelation. The plot revolves around a small group of teenagers and their disappearances coinciding around the time of one of their birthdays. The cast of characters are written to be a bit on the snobby side, which does make a lot of sense considering that they all attend a rather prestigious academy, but the highlight and main focus of the picture is Virginia Wainwright (played excellently by Little House on the Prairie's Melissa Sue Anderson), who seems to have gone through some pretty traumatic stuff in her childhood that could lead you to believe that perhaps she is either a cold-blooded killer or a classic "red herring." The plot does become a bit confusing at certain points and I do wish that they had been able to shave off at least ten minutes' worth of running time, but this was such a delight. Check it out.

DAYS 12-13:

Man oh man, I feel like punching myself for having slept on Don Mancini's new Chucky series for USA & SyFy (which is thankfully streaming in its entirety on Peacock). If I haven't stated it before, the Child's Play franchise has grown into perhaps a top 5 favorite for me personally and watching the growth of series mainstay and mastermind Don Mancini (who save for the remake, has had direct involvement in every single installment in some way shape or form) has been quite grand. The show follows teenager Jake Wheeler as he comes into possession of the now infamous "Good Guy" doll, and we slowly watch as not only does Chucky begin to do what he does best, but we witness him attempt to manipulate all of those around him into becoming just as depraved and sick as he is. The cast is all quite excellent and seeing fan favorites like Jennifer Tilly and Fiona Dourif reprise their roles from prior movies is a treat. The kills are also quite grand. The first episode contains a sequence involving Chucky vomiting and causing an electrocution. Once that had finished, I knew I was on board. If you are seeking out something extremely entertaining to watch for the month, I highly recommend it. Now to begin Season 2...

DAY 14:

In all seriousness, I go into further details regarding my thoughts about this supposed "final" entry in the Halloween franchise (or at least, for this new trilogy) on the Jortscenter Podcast Feed. Yes, I am plugging the podcast that I do with my friends. This pile of slop is proving to be very divisive among fans and I can understand arguments on both sides of why they do/do not enjoy it. Without going into too many spoilers, I will say that overall, I was not a fan of what essentially feels like the "Poochie" entry in the Halloween series. It didn't aggravate me the same way that its predecessor Halloween Kills did, but that is very faint praise for what I felt was an extremely frustrating experience.

DAY 15: 

I'm still perplexed as to why this film (which also goes by the much more straightforward title of "Insect") has such a bizarre title. Regardless, it was about damn time I got the chance to log another "natural" horror flick for Unseen Terror. I truly do wish that there were more killer bug movies out there that had some semblance of a budget or care put into the finished product. Blue Monkey (directed by future Goosebumps television series regular William Fruet) is a hoot of a big bug flick that pays an equal amount of homage to Alien as it does your prototypical "outbreak" motion picture. The acting is surprisingly quite serious for such an absurdly, silly film, but that just adds to its charm. Set primarily inside of a hospital, Blue Monkey follows as a small group of doctors struggling to survive the sudden, violent emergence of a rather large insect that seems intent on picking them off (when it isn't focused on somehow being to able to breed through hermaphroditic means). I have to thank the wonderfully talented Dr. Rebekah McKendry for turning me on to this movie's existence a number of years ago via her excellent "All the Colors of the Dark" podcast. While I am unsure as to whether it has seen a proper Blu-Ray release or not, you can currently seek it out on YouTube.

Side note: please do the Jortscenter podcast Bekah. We're uh, cool I swear.

DAY 16:

For the first time in goodness knows how long, I have no earthly idea how to review an entry for "Unseen Terror." You might stare at the poster for Dogface: A Trap House Horror and assume it's likely to be low budget garbage that wishes it were as cool as something like say, Bones or Tales from the Hood. You would be oh, so wrong though. This movie.........is in a league of its own. I can't call this a good film by any stretch of the imagination, but oh boy is it a fascinating experiment in trying to make a flick that thinks it is deep or even coherent. I suppose the best way that I can describe Dogface would be if notorious filmmaker Neil Breen decided to make Jacob's Ladder. Even then, that is nowhere near the right comparison I can make. I truly hope we can discuss this on a future podcast, or that the good folks at Red Letter Media can bring more attention to its sheer and utter weirdness. Recommended only for those who are in the mood for something absolutely batshit crazy and nonsensical.

DAY 17:

Ah yes, here's the (mostly) yearly Stephen King pick. To be brutally honest with you, I had no familiarity with Quicksilver Highway's mere existence until planning this year's list. Once I saw that it adapted one of my favorite King shorts ("Chattery Teeth") and also contained a Clive Barker adaptation for its second story, I was fully on board though. Plus, it has the wonderful Christopher Lloyd (Back to the Future, Who Framed Roger Rabbit) as a central character/narrator and it's directed by the marvelous Mick Garris, who directed Critters 2 and wrote Hocus Pocus. What could go wr----you know where I'm going with this, don't you?

Alas this one was just such a colossal disappointment, and I don't think I can fault the fact that this was originally pitched as a TV pilot. More so, I'd just say that these particular stories don't quite work on the big OR small screen (especially when the severed CGI hands in Barker's story "The Body Politic" look worse than the animation in the "Money for Nothing" music video). The acting is serviceable at best and while each story is certainly memorable, they aren't especially scary or creepy. Unless you're a completist for Barker and King, you can skip right over this one.

DAY 18:

FINALLY, we close out this blog entry with what will undoubtedly go down as a highlight for this year's marathon. I had been meaning to watch Dario Argento's rather infamous Opera for quite a while, and truth be told it was supposed to end up on not only last year's (cancelled) list, but the past two ones before it! Burnout be damned this time around though. Once I saw that this beauty ended up on both Shudder AND Tubi, I felt as there was no excuse to miss it now. Plus, I need a GOOD Italian picture to erase the stench of Zombi 4 and Zombi 5.

The plot for Opera follows a young soprano understudy named Betty who has taken on the role of "Lady Macbeth" in a rather extravagant production of "Verdi's Macbeth." Though she was not the initial choice, her mentor is battling an injury that will keep her on the sidelines. During opening night, a stagehand is mysteriously murdered by an unknown assailant. In no short order, Betty finds herself being stalked by a maniac who seems more content with forcing her to watch those around her who she cares for suffer horrible fates, rather than kill her outright. The primary method in which they enact this sort of torture on poor Betty is what you see on the poster above: they tape needles underneath her eyes, so that she is forced to watch any killing that occurs. It is downright chilling and extremely unnerving in a way that only a maestro like Argento can pull off (as are all of the kills this time around). The score, composed by longtime associate Claudio Simonetti (joined this time by both Brian Eno and Bill Wyman!) also kicks a ton of ass and I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to find a copy of it on vinyl ASAP.

There are a few gripes that I had with Opera though. For starters, the plot does feel a bit jumbled in spots. I had legitimately forgotten there was a rather important aspect to Betty's background that they seemed to just kinda forget until the very end. The dubbing is also very questionable, but that's Giallo for ya I suppose. Finally, I do wish that they had shaved off at least a few minutes. Minor complaints though.

Not sure what else I can say here (and that's mostly because I'm very tired). Go watch Opera. It slaps y'all.

Unseen Terror 2020: Day 6

For better or for worse, we have this bad boy here to thank for the onslaught of unnecessary remakes and retreads that seemed to plague cinemas for nearly two decades. I briefly recall seeing the trailer for 2003's remake of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and not being fully aware that this was a reboot rather than a sequel. Of course, now that I've sat through five of these films (of which a couple can arguably be called remakes/reimaginings of the original itself), I feel like perhaps an update would be a right proper move to make. No disrespect to the prior three entries in this franchise, but this series desperately needed to get back to its more terrifying roots. Thankfully it succeeds....kind of.

The plot revolves around a group of friends who pick up a hitchhiker while on their way to a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert. The stranger is seemingly traumatized and quietly murmuring to herself about "everyone being dead," but before they can get any further information about what this means, she pulls a gun from between her legs (like you do) and commits suicide. After pulling over to call the authorities, things start to get worse and worse for the youngsters as they find themselves being harassed and stalked by a plethora of psychotic individuals. Surprisingly, this reboot manages to wrangle up a few familiar faces from the original flick: cinematographer Daniel Pearl, narrator John Larroquette, and even Tobe Hooper & Kim Henkel (though the latter two co-produce this time around). Pearl in particular was a very nice addition: 2003's Chainsaw looks grimy and ugly considering that it still has Hollywood (specifically Michael Bay) deeply involved with it. The film's color palette is dreary and even from the get-go we never really feel as though there is ANY hope in this hellish landscape that we've entered. It's probably the best "aura" that we've seen emitted from a TCM movie since the first film. I do wish that they had stuck to minimal usage of music though: this new entry is a little too "loud" if you get my drift. Sound-wise it's oftentimes too reliant on jump scares, which while entertaining from time to time, don't really instill genuine fear in a lot of people.

In terms of the cast, 2003's Texas Chainsaw Massacre is perfectly adequate. Jessica Biel makes for a good final girl and gets some truly badass moments to shine during the film's final twenty minutes. Full Metal Jacket's R. Lee Ermey makes for a truly great psychopathic sheriff who feels arguably more threatening than the most famous figure in this franchise. Speaking of that, even if I may think that the guy is a complete fucking knob, Andrew Bryniarski makes Leatherface feel threatening for the first time in quite a while. He's imposing and intimidating without seeming too superhuman, even if he's missing some of the more quirky traits that made the villain so interesting to fans. I wish I could say the same for the rest of the cast, because I feel as though this is one of the film's biggest flaws: there isn't a distinctive feature amongst them other than maybe some very small physical traits (that and Biel being a legitimately recognizable face). Yes the original film's cast was nothing super flashy, but there was at least something unique about them. In this picture, they all come across as extremely unlikable, and moments of padding out the film were likely done to help the audience care for them, but I don't think it works very well. Heck even Leatherface's "family" feel like they've been ripped from the big book of redneck stereotypes.

I was expecting to come out of 2003's The Texas Chainsaw Massacre with very mixed emotions, and it turns out that such a thing came to be a reality. It's not a terrible movie by any stretch of the imagination (and from I'm told, I'll come to appreciate it more with what other films come afterwards), but like most modern remakes/retellings, it just doesn't seem to serve any purpose or warrant a reason for existing other than the belief that a lot of younger audiences won't watch "old" horror movies anymore. Funnily enough, this picture could now be considered "nostalgic" for the generation just underneath my own, and I've met an abundance of genre fans who used films like this as a stepping stone for them to dive further into this oh-so wonderful world that we call horror cinema. So despite my mixed feelings, I do acknowledge and respect its importance to horror, whether some other folks may want to or not.

Oh if only this flick was sentient though: it'd owe us an apology for the wave for crappy remakes like The Fog, A Nightmare on Elm Street, Halloween, and the like.

Unseen Terror 2020: Day 4

 

"You know guys, it just dawned on me how weird this film is. Kinda goofy." - Tom Servo

This might not come as a huge surprise to those of you tuning in this early (or at all) to my yearly marathon, but for 2020's iteration of "Unseen Terror," I have made the conscious decision to watch every single entry in the Texas Chainsaw Massacre franchise that has been released as of this month. After sitting through the absolute insanity that is Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation (originally released as The Return of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre) though, I think I'm taking a slight detour with tomorrow's entry. I remember sitting through TCM4 (I am not typing out that entire title every time) when I was a teenager and not having strong feelings about it one way or the other. I recall the film not being particularly violent despite having such a striking title and that its cast of characters spent more time fighting with each other than trying to kill other people. I also recall that it had very early roles from Renee Zellweger and Matthew McConaughey before they ever officially became A-listers. It turns out that those recollections were pretty damn accurate and this oddball picture, which has earned a pretty notorious reputation as the "love it or loathe it" entry in the series is just as strange as I remembered.

The fourth film, which seems to acknowledge that the prior three entries all happened in some sort of capacity, centers around two couples out and about during prom night who (naturally) run into Leatherface's unhinged and deranged family after they accidentally collide with another driver on the road. Nothing too out of this world, but I do find it amusing that some platforms where this is streaming (mine was on Plex. Thanks to Jon if he's reading this) state that apparently Leatherface always attacks people on the night of prom. As Mike Stoklasa once said, "are they experts in things that have never, ever happened?" Regardless of that funny little error, it's kind of unfortunate the protagonists of TCM4 are stuck in that perpetual "obnoxious 90s teenager" mode which really wants you to like them, but ends with you breathing a sigh of relief whenever they're dispatched of so you don't have to hear them talk like no human being ever does. Renee Zellweger comes across as probably the most likeable of the bunch, but that's only because her heroic costars are either too stupid to live or just plain badly written. She does make for a pretty darn good final girl though, handling herself well considering everything going on around her (there's apparently a deleted flashback sequence which explains how/why she doesn't break as easily as others have in the past) and showing no hesitation to f*ck up her tormentors whenever the option was available.

We aren't going to spend all of this time talking about the future Oscar winner though. Instead, let's discuss what is easily TCM4's highlight: another....erm, future Oscar winner. Yes, that would be a (then) twenty-five-year-old Matthew McConaughey as the head villain of the picture: the bonkers, self-mutilating, mechanical-leg brace-wielding Vilmer Slaughter. Every damn moment that the famed Texan is on screen is just pure magic. He is comically unhinged and batshit crazy, making even Chop Top from TCM2 look subdued in comparison. There are times where one has to wonder if he was a little TOO into this role, because whenever he has to get close to poor Renee Zellweger he has a very sadistic look on this face which suggests that maybe studying for this part involved partaking in some VERY illegal crimes. His cohorts are equally entertaining: Darla Slaughter (played by the amusing Tonie Perensky) has a very morbid sense of humor, but is far more competent and considerably normal than her family members. Despite his cliched redneck appearance, W.E. Slaughter (portrayed by Joe Stevens of Justified fame) is more well-educated than other evil family members in prior entries (even going so far as to constantly quote famous authors and figures). Unfortunately, I was not the biggest fan of what the film did to poor old Leatherface: he spends a large portion of the film relegated to the background while mostly cowering and screaming. There's an expansion on the idea that the character may be a transvestite or sexually confused (not one in the same by the way!), but it never gets fully explored and just kind of exists to add to the overall weirdness of the picture. There's also a ridiculously stupid revelation which implies that the Sawyer....sorry, Slaughter family has connections to an illuminati-like organization that was responsible for the J.F.K. assassination. It's very, very stupid and again, doesn't really serve much of a purpose save for a scene of pure coincidence in the final five minutes of the film.

Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation is oftentimes baffling, kind of sloppy, and not the most well-directed (did I mention that this was directed by Kim Henkel, who co-wrote the original movie?). It is also, however, really damn entertaining during its second half once the family "gets together." Though largely bloodless, the performances from our leads are good enough to warrant giving this a cautionary recommendation and at the very least, it has a TON of personality, which is more than I could say throughout most of the previous film's running time. There's a nifty-looking Blu-ray out there from Scream! Factory for those of you with a "buzz" for something different.

.....and boy am I ashamed of that joke. Sorry.

I'll make it up to y'all with a really obscure kaiju flick soon.

Unseen Terror 2020: Day 1 (+ a 2019 capper)

Ten years.

Jesus christ.

I honestly did not expect to keep this silly thing going for this long of a time period. I started this (now) yearly tradition just for fun and in hopes that I could expand my list of favorite pieces of cinema. With the amount of time that has seemingly flown by, I can attest to that becoming a reality, but I also wonder why the hell I even bother to do this anymore. My love for horror has never waned, but I've kind of lost my passion for even bothering to maintain a blog that I only seem to update every year or so (especially now that letterboxd exists and I can connect with more people over there). But hell, I might as well give this at least one more go.

Oh, and for those who don't follow me on Facebook and give a damn about what I thought of my final batch of films from last year's marathon, they are:

The Exorcist III- It's a shame that this picture had the name of "The Exorcist" slapped onto it, as it initially had fuck-all to do with that classic film. Flawed and somewhat messy as this might be, it's still worth a watch for the great performances (Brad Dourif in particular) and one hell of a great jump scare.

Puppet Master: The Littlest Reich- I'll be the first to admit that I don't have the same admiration for this franchise as others do. The original film is ridiculously slow, and arguably the highlight of this series is when they decided to start killing Nazis in the third entry. This serves as a soft reboot and unlike the aforementioned films, the dolls are the creations OF a Nazi war criminal that start killing people at a hotel. It's nice to see Thomas Lennon of Reno 911! fame in a starring role and I'm always down for anything featuring Barbara Crampton (Re-Animator, From Beyond), but outside of some pretty outrageous blood and guts, it's just kind of...there. It also could not have been released during a more uncomfortable climate than now.

The Hills Have Eyes Part II- An utter abomination that even Wes Craven himself has denounced and trashed. There is far too much stock footage being used, and even the dog from the first film has its own flashback sequences. Do not waste your time.

Asylum- This British anthology was one of the best surprises from last year, and one that I am genuinely bummed that I can't talk about more. The plot revolves around a young psychiatrist who while interviewing for a position at a mental asylum, undergoes a test which has him talk to four different inmates. The catch is that one of these individuals is the former head of the asylum, and in order to secure this job he must determine who it is. While not a very grisly picture at all, this is still a fascinating and wonderful slow burn that features a DAMN fine list of performers (Peter Cushing and Charlotte Rampling are immediately recognizable). Seek this one out if you're in the mood for some underrated 70s gems.

Monster House- I'm always down for a good horror movie for younger generations, especially if it's about a sentient haunted house that eats living creatures. This one had been recommended to me by quite a few people and I can see why. Outside of some very janky and dated animation and some pretty dumb potty humor, it's very dark for a film that is primarily catered to children. If you like kids' movies that don't treat them like idiots and have about $5 to spare, you can snag this bad boy real cheap.

Hocus Pocus- I cheated with this one, as I had not seen this in its entirety since I was very young. Because of that, I don't have anything to add that you don't already know. I do think that without Bette Midler this wouldn't work nearly as well as it does, but maybe that's just me. Also, Sarah Jessica Parker is uber BAE in this film. Don't @ me you punks.

Black Christmas- Yet another one I regret waiting on to finally watch. It's one of the slasher genre's grandparents, and while it is slow, it's so masterfully done. The characters are great, the kills are unnerving (and not very bloody either), and the whole thing just has this underlying sense of dread. It still surprises me that this came from the mind of the man who gave us A Christmas Story. Perhaps those exist in the same universe?

Anyway, let's fast forward to 2020's marathon now. I assure you that the first entry will elicit a response akin to that of "Dude. How have you not seen this until now?!"

Look, I know. I KNOW OKAY. I legitimately had never seen 1974's The Texas Chainsaw Massacre in its entirety until this year. I have no valid excuse for this either, especially when you consider how influential and important it is to the genre. It's the horror equivalent to never having seen E.T. or Close Encounters of the Third Kind and calling yourself a fan of Science Fiction. Along with motion pictures like Psycho, this helped birth the slasher genre and set up the idea that horror cinema can also be used as great social commentary. Beneath the surface of what appears to be a simple "kids get terrorized and dispatched by crazies" story is a very fascinating encapsulation of everything going on during the time period and what feels like a very rude awakening to the "flower children" of the 1960s.

The plot is very basic: Sally Hardesty, her brother Franklin, and their friends are driving on their way to visit her grandfather's grave (which they suspect has been vandalized or desecrated). Along the way, they have very strange interactions with a couple of peculiar characters, which eventually leads them to a seemingly abandoned house. Without going too far into spoiler territory, let's just say that there's a reason for the film having such a grim-sounding name.

One thing that immediately hit me after I pressed play was how incredibly filthy TCM looks. The picture is shot in a way that almost makes you feel as though you're watching something your friend discovered as a "forbidden" tape. I can only imagine how uncomfortable audiences back in the day must have felt when they first saw this on the big screen (kudos to those behind the scenes who managed to trick some audiences into thinking this was all based on a true story). The awkward moments of silence that precede some of the killings only add to the atmosphere and make you feel as though you've traveled to an undiscovered part of the country that's ripe with the kind of horrific violence that you blissfully ignored throughout your precious little life. This is somewhat ironic when you take into account how most of TCM's gore is more imagined than actually shown. Leatherface, who I feel STILL does not get enough love from genre fans, does absolutely brutal things to our protagonists, but most of it is played out in your mind and never actually shown (John Carpenter would do something similar with Halloween several years later). It also parallels what happens in slaughterhouses, which is fitting considering what we discover later on about the villains, and if you pay close enough attention, there is an assortment of pig squeals and unnerving sound effects peppered in during some of the movie's more intense moments. I don't know if it will convince you to go vegetarian, but there is a small chance that you may reconsider eating pork again after the credits roll.

More noted horror historians have studied The Texas Chainsaw Massacre better than I could ever hope to, but I am so happy that I finally watched this. It's an outstanding, uncomfortable, and vital piece for not just the horror genre, but pop culture overall. I look forward to revisiting this several times and pulling more and more from it after every watch. As of this writing, you can view it on Shudder, though it is also very easy to buy physical copies online.

Unseen Terror 2018: Day 12

Ricky Thomas and Angela Baker are getting ready to head out to "Camp Arawak" for the summer. Though the former has attended multiple times before, this will be the first occasion for his female cousin. Initially, Angela's quiet, extremely introverted behavior makes her the subject of bullying from bunkmates and female counselors alike, but she begins to open up more when Ricky's friend Paul takes an interest in her. After a brief incident with a camp chef nearly gets Angela molested, the cook is later attacked by an unknown assailant, and severely scalded by a large pot of boiling water. It isn't long before things start to go wrong for others with foul intentions, especially if there's been a prior connection with the young girl herself.



Making the conscious decision to finally watch and review 1983's slasher standout Sleepaway Camp was more difficult than I expected it to be. Mind you, it has nothing to do with the quality of the picture itself, or the fact that it's following yesterday's highlight of the marathon (so far). Rather, it is solely because I've known about the film's rather infamous and shocking twist for many, many years. You couldn't open up a magazine or watch some television countdown without them mentioning it, and due to such a thing, I felt like immediate viewings weren't fully necessary. But as I inch closer and closer to that bizarre area in one's life known as the mid-30s, the time came for me to just stop being lazy and watch the damn flick already.


Much to my surprise, the tone of Sleepaway Camp is dismally cruel. For an environment that does contain at least some moments of pure joy, there always seems to be some underlying hostility amongst these campers and their counselors, especially when it comes to their treatment of young Angela, who serves as somewhat of an avatar for the audience. It's perfect for molding people who already may be slightly deranged, but not completely unhinged into something truly malevolent. The purest of souls, and I do use that term loosely, could arguably be Angela herself, or perhaps her cousin Ricky (played wonderfully by Jonathan Tiersten) and his friend Paul (Christopher Collet of The Manhattan Project), who seems to be the only other person at the camp who wants to treat the nearly-mute girl with respect or affection. For what most collectively believe is not the strongest of slasher movie franchises, I was pleasantly surprised by how memorable and colorful (if not slightly typical) this cast of characters was. The bullies and antagonists are rather rotten, and the fact that young Karen Fields, who portrays the snobby and mean-hearted Judy, didn't go on to star in other projects is a damn shame.


Now, don't get me wrong, all of that hyping about the attitude and mood of Sleepaway Camp that I just wrote about it is something that I firmly stand behind. But categorizing it as top tier material would be grossly inaccurate, as the movie is still very cheesy and riddled with some of the same problems that befell nearly every release in this 80s-centric subgenre. Most of the lines uttered from writer/director Robert Hiltzik's script won't likely be making it onto the AFI's list of most influential movie quotes, and some of the delivery is downright cringeworthy (looking right at you Mike Kellin). Hell, there's a very good chance that you'll piece together most of its plot and subsequent revelations if you have a brain that is still functioning after the past two years have nearly destroyed everyone's remaining cells. Still, it doesn't detract from the fun factor, and the final product ensures you that as long as you are patient, these fools are going to get what's coming to them and through unusual methods (one scene involving a beehive got under my skin).


Sleepaway Camp won't exactly blow your mind by any means, and there are some themes that could be misconstrued as gross even by today's standards, but the movie absolutely deserves its cult status. What it lacks in most of the acting department or extravagant kills (Pieces it ain't), it makes up with memorable characters, joyfully campy dialogue, and yes, some excellent twists that those who go in completely blind will be rather shocked by. Even with the most important details permanently etched in my memory, I still found it to be quite the enjoyable experience. You can stream this relic on Amazon Prime, and if you can put off spending money on that latest Apple product, use some of the cash on the Blu-ray that Shout! Factory released a little while ago.




Tomorrow, we aren't leaving the decade of decadence just yet, but what ground should be covered? Only time will tell...

Unseen Terror 2017: Day 29

It's 1957, and cocky, promiscuous Mary Lou Mahoney is setting out to have a blast at her high school prom. Unfortunately, a series of freakish events result in the woman burning to death that very evening at the event. Thirty years later, the young Vicki Carpenter is searching for a dress to wear to her own prom and comes across a trunk that contains all of the departed Mary Lou's accessories and belongings. After opening the container, she unknowingly unleashes the vengeful spirit of the would-be queen of the dance, who returns to seek revenge for her untimely demise, and if possible, find a new permanent host for her essence.



As you may recall, this year's Unseen Terror marathon kicked off with my first time viewing of 1980's proto-slasher Prom Night. I found that even with some fairly obvious flaws, the flick was lively in all the right areas, and ultimately worth a recommendation. As with many franchises that have made appearances on this blog over the span of seven years (Hellraiser comes to mind), the temptation to check out all three follow-ups and its unwanted remake was high, but not vital. Alas, I did hear some good feedback from people on social media about how Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night II was actually worth a watch. Thanks to various websites/services still refusing to cooperate with me, original choices Inseminoid and Breeders were thrown back into the pile once more. Room must be made for a motion picture that features a spectacled Michael Ironside accidentally murdering someone with a stink bomb.


From the get-go, the tone of Hello Mary Lou feels drastically different than its predecessor. Supernatural and psychological horror elements permeate throughout its crisp running time, which wasn't present in director Paul Lynch's slow burn. It may not come as a surprise to hear that independent film company Samuel Goldwyn got a hold of something that was not related to Prom Night whatsoever and suggested that it be tweaked and marketed as a continuation of the motion picture that came out seven years earlier. New film head Bruce Pittman doesn't seem to believe in patiently building to a big bang of a climax (though its own third act is quite wonderful), but rather to score home runs as soon as possible. This can be a disappointment when you factor in how calm the first Prom Night was during its first hour, and it felt as though the new studio heads wanted this sequel to follow traditional "modern" slasher guidelines. Still, there are a great number of franchise entries that share only the most basic of similarities with the movies that preceded them (Aliens comes to mind). And sometimes you just want to watch a body count pile up over time.


Speaking of that, the first victim, who resembles a more "80s"-fied version of Angela Kinkade in the first Night of the Demons, is the recipient of a death that hints of extravagance, but teases the audience with something that unfortunately doesn't occur. Perhaps watching that 4K restoration of Suspiria yesterday was a bad idea since it spoiled me on the visual aspect of lives being ended. Regardless, the kills in Hello Mary Lou have more impact considering that its cast of characters are far more likeable this time around. During the first Prom Night, nearly every single soul was a different shade of unsympathetic asshole, and it just made you a bit impatient since all you wanted was to see them die as horrible a death as possible. Lead actress Wendy Lyon (Anne of Green Gables) adds a very innocent, personable quality to Vicki, and you're just fascinated by her constant visions. She's a very underrated performer in the "scream queen" field, and has the aura of a young Daryl Hannah. Without going too much into spoiler territory, Lyon's protagonist does a complete 180 towards the end of Hello Mary Lou's second act, becoming completely unhinged and reveling in devilish behavior.


If you can ignore the fact that Hello Mary Lou's full title features the words "Prom Night" on the marquee and home video releases, you actually have an engaging, if not somewhat standard slasher picture at your disposal. The pacing is good enough that you never feel bored, the acting is fairly solid, and the whole shebang is just plain fun. I'd even go so far as to say that I personally enjoyed it more than the Jamie Lee Curtis-led vehicle that was released around the end of the disco era (side note: why didn't you do an updated version of the Prom Night theme?!). As of this writing, the first sequel is available for streaming over on Amazon Prime, and if you're feeling ambitious enough, it can be purchased for either paltry or absurd amounts of cash. I have to offer some advice on the former DVD though: it contains the infamously bad Full Moon Entertainment release known as Killjoy.



.....wait a minute, have I even seen that particular one? Ugh, might have to do some rearranging.....again.




Tomorrow, we're closer to the end, and hopefully we are NOT concluding with Killjoy.

Unseen Terror 2017: Day 1

Well, that gif of Mr. Burress can mean only one thing: I'm exhausted from attending my first horror convention this weekend. That, and I have officially finalized my listing for the seventh (oy) year of my "Unseen Terror" series that I manage to craft during every October. If you are unfamiliar with the concept, the short version of my explanation is this: I dig up at least thirty-one different motion pictures that deal with the more macabre side of life to watch during this month that I have never managed to see until now. Some are cherished pieces of art that should be seen by all (Rosemary's Baby, The Return of the Living Dead, I Saw the Devil), some are hidden gems that deserve to be given a second chance after an initial, unfair thrashing by critics (House II, Black Roses, Popcorn, Suck), and others should be buried deep underground after being set on fire (Clownhouse, Pinocchio's Revenge, any Hellraiser sequel post-Bloodline).

So, with that basic introduction out of the way, let us begin! As always, I welcome discussion and comments on here, any major social media network (using the hashtag #UnseenTerror will find me), or the new Letterboxd service that I have signed up for and am thoroughly enjoying thus far (search for me as "Woodshatter1985").

While playing a routine game of hide and seek in an abandoned, dilapidated building, four children harass and tease a younger girl named Robin Hammond for wanting to join in. Unfortunately, the youths back Robin into a smaller area and inadvertently cause her to fall out of a window, where she immediately dies upon impact. Instead of reporting this incident to the local authorities, the accidental murderers vow to keep this to themselves and to never tell a soul. Six years pass, and Robin's surviving siblings just so happen to be attending the same high school as their sister's killers. As the entire collective of students highly anticipate the upcoming prom, specific ones begin to receive threatening, ominous phone calls from someone who may be seeking vengeance over one particular incident from their past.

1980's proto-slasher Prom Night has been on my radar since I began doing this yearly tradition back in 2011. For reasons that I can only attribute to laziness and forgetfulness, it just never quite made the final cut or listing. Obviously that has now changed, but did this unintentional delaying make my viewing experience any better or worse? Well, I suppose that you can say that it borrowed an equal amount from column A and column B.

For starters, the movie is absolutely drenched in all things that were affiliated with the late 1970s and early 1980s. There's the prototypes for every character seen throughout these type of pictures (the bad boy, the preppy girl, the awkward nerd, the red herring), the unabashed affinity for Disco music (more on that later), and appearances from fan favorites such as Halloween's Jamie Lee Curtis and Leslie Nielsen of The Naked Gun and Airplane! fame. In fact, the latter's performances manage to lift Prom Night off of the ground as they seem genuinely invested in the project and clearly came to the set every day with the best of intentions. The rest of the supporting cast is fine too, although because of the way that the script is structured, you may find yourself struggling to sympathize with the rest of these kids since, regardless of their ages, they're inarguably dicks for nearly all three acts. Oh, and they are also MURDERERS. Still, you earn a can of coke for trying to make us identify with the lot of them.

Since we are still on topic, we as moviegoers and purveyors are very likely anticipating seeing these other players meet their grisly demise. Unfortunately, this is where I felt that Prom Night stumbles, though not majorly. While the third act and finale of this picture is quite invigorating (and features one hell of a great decapitation), it takes nearly one full hour for the first drop of blood to spill, which means that technically, you can classify this motion picture as a "slow burn." Normally, I have no qualms about such decisions being made by the writers and directors, but considering that this effort barely scrapes by the ninety-minute mark, it may easily frustrate the more insatiable, impatient gorehounds that populate this strange, but endearing community that I am often happy to be a part of. Disappointingly, Prom Night does feel like it has a rather abrupt, it not blunt ending too, but a part of me ponders about whether budgetary reasons or time restraints had something to do with that.

Still, even with those complaints, I had a rather enjoyable time with Prom Night. Those with a more open mind and appreciation for attempts at telling stories, even ones as overused as this one, will also likely get a kick out of this quick watch. Considering that it was made for a very meager $1.5 million, it is competently shot and manages to accentuate the positives while hiding the negatives. Hell, its influence can even be seen on assorted films from throughout the decades (I Know What You Did Last Summer borrows heavily from this bad boy). If you're planning a slasher marathon in the near future with your friends or colleagues, this is a pleasant one to throw into the mix. At the time of this writing, you can view director Paul Lynch's hidden horror gem for free on Amazon Prime and YouTube, although it appears as though the folks there tracked down a Betamax rip rather than an actual DVD-quality print. Instead, it may just be easier for you to track it down on home video, as I'm certain that it makes for an inexpensive purchase no matter what format is available to you.

Oh yeah, I was going to mention the disco music, wasn't I? Well, there just so happens to be a gloriously cheesy moment where Jamie Lee Curtis and her date have to piece something together that feels like it belongs in another, entirely different genre flick. And we are subjected to this insanely catchy jam.

So, stick that in your pumpkin and....uh....play it?

*sigh*  I'm far too tired to be making puns or lousy jokes this early on. Let's just move on.

Tomorrow, we say hello to the men who gave us a myriad of releases such as The Fly, The Brood, and Maximum Overdrive. What little flick could they have ties to? Well, perhaps if one could see the future, we'd all know what I'm referring to.

Unseen Terror 2016: Day 24

After writing her boyfriend a "Dear John" letter, Rosemary Chatham attends a graduation dance in her rather small hometown with a new man by her side. When they sneak away in order to go make out in private, they are attacked and brutally murdered by a man adjourned in army regalia, who proceeds to leave a rose at the scene of the crime. Thirty-five years pass, and a young lady named Pam MacDonald is busy organizing the first ceremony since these tragic events occurred. Soon, reports of a new, masked "prowler" roaming around the area come to light, and everyone is suddenly on alert. Still, is there a possibility that this maniac shares closer ties to his predecessor than we initially thought, or is it just pure coincidence?



While writing my Madea review last night, it occurred to me that I really haven't been able to catch yet another relic in the slasher subgenre this year. So, after putting in some hours at work, wherein I can always brainstorm some ideas while preparing for the holidays, I was able to mentally dig through what choices were available for me to behold. After some consideration, I settled on Joe Zito's (Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter, Invasion U.S.A.) much-discussed gem titled The Prowler. Given that I've discovered more than a handful of grisly, guilty pleasures (Pieces, The Burning) from these unfairly-derided type of films, and seeing as how I am apparently feeling rather sadistic after catching last night's premiere of The Walking Dead, I say let us get to it.


Basic though The Prowler's concept may be, it immediately earned respect from me when I discovered that the iconic Tom Savini was in charge of the effects work. Say what you will about these flicks be categorized as merely "dead teenager" works, but from a technical or practical standpoint, there is a lot to respect and admire. The titular antagonist's main methods of knocking off his victims come from the use of a bayonet and pitchfork, the latter of which I'm even nervous just picking up myself if the situation ever comes about when I may need it. Though none of the disposals are revolutionary, they are quite nasty regardless. A ghastly, visceral standout comes from shoving one formerly-mentioned weapon downward through a poor soul's skull, which did a nice job at getting even a hardened individual like myself to wince. Joe Zito and his crew also churn out some pleasantly good cinematography, pacing, and halfway decent acting; it adds a real level of genuine suspense and mystery that prevents it from being just pure lunacy. Some of the camera work and close-up shots are surprisingly exceptional too, as they help accentuate the agony and horror of the entire situation. Not too bad for a little ditty that cost approximately one million dollars, yeah?


Sadly, The Prowler's technical aspects will most likely be the ONLY thing what "virgin viewers" like myself will remember in the long run. Despite a very entertaining opening that is set right after the second world war has ended, I was actually disappointed to see Zito's piece jump forward into modern times. I have no doubt that a slasher picture set exclusively in the time frame of the 1940s would make for a rollicking, scary adventure, and could have been a very unique standout during the seemingly endless waves of these kind of movies that came rushing in during a shockingly short amount of time. Perhaps if this ever receives the remake treatment, such a concept could be fully realized. And even with the aforementioned acting being mostly acceptable, none of these characters are wholly memorable and are ultimately written to act as mere horror film stereotypes (save for an overweight hotel clerk played by Bill Nunnery, whose hilarious level of apathy seemed like something out of a parodic picture). I was quite taken aback to see a giant like Lawrence Tierney (Born to Kill, Reservoir Dogs) pop up as a wheelchair-bound veteran with possible connections to these horrific crimes, but considering that he rarely, if ever gets a chance to utter a single word, all one thinks is that he must have been desperate for a paycheck that week.


Though it is riddled with some occasionally slow parts and a bit of a lame wrap-up (props for a very good Savini-centric scene though), I would still give The Prowler a solid recommendation for those who share even a remote interest in this category of horror and are craving for a new way to kill ninety minutes of their free time. Yes, it may not sport as much of a shock factor as some of its brethren do, nor does it have the creativity of its more largely-successful cousins. But, it ultimately boils down to being a very commendable cinematic bloodbath whose special effects, makeup, and tension help it enough to warrant a thumbs up. If you have a subscription to Showtime, access to YouTube, or are just a curious shopper, there are multiple ways for one to watch this underrated antique.



Plus, at the very least, it doesn't star Madea.



......I don't think I'm ever going to forgive myself for that one.




Tomorrow, another trip to Italy is underway, and Jennifer Connelly, aka my eternal crush, may be hitching along for my flight!

Unseen Terror 2015: Day 5

During a low-key evening at the local supermarket, cashier Jennifer Ross is preparing to close her till, only to be suddenly approached by her ex-boyfriend Craig Peterson. The man has been recently released from prison, having served time for a rather serious crime, and as the two begin to argue, the night crew appear and break up a potential scuffle between the former lovers. Calls to the police are made, and as Craig seemingly disappears into the night, the group prepares for their standard procedure of closing down and restocking the store. As shifts end, however, someone appears to be watching from the sides, with vengeance and bloodshed seemingly on their mind.



By the late 1980s, the quality of motion pictures categorized as "Slashers" had, to put it lightly, taken a bit of a nosedive. Sure, established moneymakers like A Nightmare On Elm Street, Friday the 13th, and Halloween were still going strong (and would do so going into the next decade), but originality and creativity had taken a backseat so that cheap thrills could take top priority. By the end of the decade, director Scott Spiegel (more well known for co-writing horror/comedy classic Evil Dead II) had concocted a screenplay for a gory little flick set inside of a supermarket, which was admittedly, a claustrophobic scenario that didn't appear too often. After their first choice for a director didn't pan out, he sat down in the chair himself, so that he would head the somewhat obscure Intruder, though lord knows the final product's life past its initial release date didn't come without some issues.


My first glimpse of Intruder came from observing the cover for its 2011 release on Blu-Ray. Apparently, I'm extremely lucky to have seen only this, since along with the poster I inserted above the synopsis, it's the most appropriate image one should have released to the public, as every other banner and trailer is rife with the revelation of the mysterious killer's identity. I have always been baffled by choices such as these. It's the equivalent of making a poster for King Kong, but having the words "HE'S SHOT AND FALLS FROM THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING" pasted above the title. Also confusing is the choice to list Bruce Campbell, Ted Raimi, and Sam Raimi (all of Evil Dead II fame themselves) as the main characters on nearly every single print prior to the Blu-Ray's street date. My apologies to those who wanted there to be as little spoilers as possible for this year's blog, but for the sake of saving some money for the diehards who may have only waning interested because of "Ash" being in anything else, the former's role is nothing more than a glorified cameo towards the end, and the brothers Raimi serve as nothing but minor support for the time that they are present.


As for the quality of Intruder? Well, it's decent enough for something that was once a part of the often-maligned "dead teenagers" genre (props to the late Roger Ebert for that one), but don't expect too much to blow you away. Elizabeth Cox makes for a fairly okay heroine, though outside of having a boyfriend who was rather insane, we don't get to know a great deal about her. The rest of the cast is filled with red herrings, burnouts, old timers, and even another female performer (Renee Estevez of Heathers fame). None of them are worth writing about for too long, but they aren't particularly bad given the simplicity of the script. Perhaps the one shining spot are some of the actual killings perpetrated by our unseen assailant. Actually, I should retract that. They WOULD have been a highlight if I had realized that I was watching the theatrical cut beforehand, which is so dumbed down that you could honestly classify it as a PG-13 horror movie. On subsequent home video releases, the murders are reportedly restored to what the filmmakers initially wished had seen the light of day, but unless you're willing to shell out some extra money from your paycheck for the "Unrated" iteration of Intruder, you will have to settle for watching these deleted slayings on sites such as Youtube. It's a damn shame too, especially when you see that Greg Nicotero (The Walking Dead), Robert Kurtzman (From Dusk Til Dawn), and Howard Berger (Army Of Darkness) all had a hand in the makeup department, and censoring or editing sequences featuring their work just feels like a rotten thing to do.


Intruder is certainly worth a watch, but going into this with as little information as possible should be the only way to approach it. Paramount's own marketing may have done the film in for some, and the missing five minutes of gore hurt it far more than it should have. Still, it's competently acted and acceptably fun for when you have an evening alone to yourself, or some extra cash to spare for an expensive blind buy. For the time being, you can rent the theatrical cut on Amazon Prime for about $2.99, view it on noted streaming service Hulu, or track down and purchase the unrated version from Synapse Films.



Tomorrow, the 1980s have come to close, but a rising star/author named Clive Barker isn't quite done with scaring the hell out of moviegoers...