Unseen Terror 2024: I Went to Italy Last Year (Days 26-28)

Did I mention that I went to (most of) Italy last year? If I did not, it’s because I’m relatively quiet on most social media sites. I swear I will upload the photos and videos from the whole trip sooner than later. Anyways, why am I mentioning this? Well, when we visited Rome, I was lucky enough to strongarm several family members into visiting “Profondo Rosso,” which is a hidden gem of a memorabilia store owned by famed Italian director Dario Argento. It’s an extremely cool place to peruse if you’re even remotely into horror, science fiction, or just popular culture that’s a bit too “odd” for most people. Plus, the basement contains a number of props from Argento’s pictures! Anyways, I just wanted to gush for a bit before we talk about a few films that I’ve never seen until this year (all of which hail from, well, Italy).

 

Inferno is a thematic and spiritual successor to Dario’s breakthrough masterpiece Suspiria, and it seems to have always been stuck in a weird spot between that flick and 1982’s impressive bloodbath known as Tenebre. It is the second installment in what the director has dubbed his “Three Mothers” trilogy (1977’s Suspiria is the first, 2007’s Mother of Tears is the third). Each one deals with a titular “mother” determined to rule the world while using powerful dark magic to eliminate anyone who would stand in their way. The plot has us following several characters, two of whom have taken interest in a strange book titled The Three Mothers, which tells of three evil sisters who would conquer all with sadness, tears, and darkness. When one of the main characters goes missing, their brother comes to New York City to investigate. That is about the easiest way to describe the plot to Inferno, because while I did find it to be an overall very enjoyable watch, it is a messier product than most of Argento’s other works from the 1970s and beyond. There is a strong insistence on killing newly introduced characters WAY too quickly (including longtime Argento collaborator Daria Nicolodi), and the final act feels a bit silly in spots. Still, much like most releases in the giallo genre, it is a beautiful film to look at and has style oozing out of every pore. There are some legitimately spooky moments throughout (in particular, an underwater swimming scene that I suspect must have been incredibly stressful to film) and some expectedly wicked and dastardly kills that while not as extravagant as those seen in the likes of Tenebre, Opera, or Deep Red, are still quite the sight to behold (cat lovers beware of one scene though). Surprisingly, longtime Argento collaborators and music composers Goblin are absent from Inferno’s soundtrack, with the director choosing noteworthy progressive rock musician Keith Emerson (of Emerson, Lake & Palmer) to compose the score. Reportedly, he wanted something different this time around so as to keep this feeling separate from Suspiria. I must admit that the bombastic and proto-symphonic metal “Mater Tenebrarum” is undeniably AWESOME, but the rest of the score is a real mixed bag or too chaotic for something that’s considerably toned down compared to this director’s other efforts.

 

It's far from Dario Argento’s best work, but despite it being a bit messy, Inferno is still a wonderfully weird 80s gem that should do quite well with fans of more supernatural-based horror flicks and with those looking to get into horror pictures from across the pond. I don’t plan on finishing the “Three Mothers” trilogy this year, but perhaps it could make the list next time. Unless we’re all dead by this time next year. That’s always a possibility.

 

 

 

 

 

When it comes to expressing my feelings on 1981’s Italian exploitation flick Cannibal Ferox (known as Make Them Die Slowly in the west), I feel as though Google Translate is the best way to sum it up: “Se ti rende felice, allora sono felice per te.” Nearly every time I’ve been recommended adding a picture from the “cannibal” subgenre of horror to my queue and/or Unseen Terror rough drafts, it usually results in massive disappointment, if not outright frustration. Occasionally I’ll discover a pleasant surprise such as Ravenous or Bone Tomahawk (though the latter’s classification is tenuous at best), but usually it matters not if your project is grimy or glossy; I just don’t vibe with them. I was hoping that perhaps in the wake of the genre’s most notorious release (the prior year’s infamous Cannibal Holocaust), rival filmmakers would have some sense of morality and try not to repeat some of the ghastly acts from years prior. I was an idiot to think such a thing would happen.

 

While a lot more straightforward than director Ruggero Deodado’s Cannibal Holocaust, writer/director Umberto Lenzi’s Cannibal Ferox is also pretty icky in its own right, but also just flatout badly made. For all of the disdain I have for Deodado’s flick, I’ll give it credit for being a better structured picture as a whole and helping to introduce the concept of “found footage” to the general public before most other movies did decades later. Ferox though? Well, its plot is significantly less interesting (a very dumb skeptic drags two friends with her to Colombia to prove that cannibalism is a myth. Things don’t go well) and it has these extremely jarring and quite frankly irritating cuts back to the states while our “heroes” are in peril on another continent. It disrupts the mood and forces you to also watch some horribly sexist and violent scenes towards women. When we’re back to Colombia, we bear witness to something that Ferox has in common with Holocaust, which is a bunch of real, on-screen animal killings. I have now seen two films with live turtle dismemberment, and that is two films too many. I know I might sound like a hypocrite considering that I am an omnivore but filming real animal mauling and killings for the sake of making your movie feel more “intense” or for “art” is scummy behavior. Hell, supporting actor Giovanni Lombardo Radice refused to participate in the killing of a wild pig on camera (with them using a double to complete the scene) and went on record expressing his disgust for even being in the flick itself. There’s also extraordinarily poor dubbing (not completely uncommon in Italian horror), but it is unbelievably bad here. If you were to take a shot for how many times someone calls a woman a “twat,” you would be dead before the halfway mark. Still, I suppose I CAN give Cannibal Ferox credit for two particularly good things: it has a shockingly good score (more pulsating and groovier than the moody, eerie one heard in Cannibal Holocaust), and the special effects & gore are solid. Still, two rights do not make up for several wrongs, and when your wrongs just feel so repugnant, I can’t fully recommend your movie to anyone other than a very niche audience. I don’t expect to be revisiting this one again unless I’m paid to.

 

 

I’ve been meaning to get more into the cinematic works of famed Italian maestro Mario Bava for quite some time. While I’ve only ever seen Black Sunday and Black Sabbath, both of those are quite grand and when I heard that his 1964 effort Blood and Black Lace is one of the earliest entries in the giallo genre (this + Bava’s prior effort The Girl Who Knew Too Much are considered to be the first two flicks in the genre as a whole), I knew I had to watch it before I leave this mortal coil. Besides, after the taste that Cannibal Ferox left in my mouth, something had to be done.

 

The plot concerns a series of brutal murders of a fashion house’s beauty models, all of whom seem to be the victim of a masked killer in search of a diary that contains unknown details and personal stories that the staff most likely don’t want revealed to the public. Mind you, that isn’t giving anything away about Blood and Black Lace’s overall story, but the picture goes into enough weird directions and feels slightly overstuffed with characters that I feel like it’s about as simple of a one that I could come up with. If I could describe this film in two simple words, it would be “visually sinister.” I’m always in amazement with what these kinds of movies back in the day could do with color palettes, as even with a more grounded and far less supernatural-based story, the contrast in visual tones makes the world in which this is set in feel otherworldly. How is it that directors from overseas manage to make you wonder how you see the color red so differently than you’ve seen in your entire life? What I’m trying to say is that Blood and Black Lace, despite being quite an old release, looks beautiful and better than a lot of bigger budget horror releases dumped into theaters by the likes of, say, Blumhouse. It’s also a decidedly nefarious flick; it obviously lacks the over-the-top imagery of future Italian horror filmmakers such as Dario Argento and Lucio Fulci, but this is still one hell of a mean movie. I felt so terrible for the actresses here, as their characters are just dealt the kind of punishment that I’m almost certain inspired future Western filmmakers in the genre and could make some 80s slashers take notes. Even in its quiet moments, Bava can instill a sense of dread in the viewer that leaves you morbidly curious for what could come about next. It’s so good that it almost makes you forget the strangely anticlimactic twist in its third act and how awkward some of the dubbing is (I’d personally love to track this down in its native language). Still, those are minor complaints about what I think is otherwise a solid movie.

 

 

If you have an appreciation for the genre and wish to expand your horizons in horror, give Blood and Black Lace a watch. There’s a reason why so many filmmakers (including Martin Scorsese!) have cited it as one of their absolute favorite pieces of cinema, with some even going so far as to pay homage to it in their own films. I don’t normally encourage this but pour yourself a glass of something classy like wine or McDonald’s Sprite and enjoy the ride. And if you find yourself in Rome, go hit up "Profondo Rosso." Tell them Ryan sent you. They don't know me, but it'll help boost my morale.

Unseen Terror 2024: Quack You Ryhan (Day 11)

It dawned on me while assembling this year’s marathon that for the day when I grew one year older, I had nearly run out of film choices to watch from 1985. I’ve covered nearly all the heavy hitters (most of which I adore). Hell, I could have just cheated and listed off my favorite “Treehouse of Horror” episodes instead, but that would require more time than I expected. So, I decided to go back to the well of a country whose contributions to scary cinema rarely disappoint me: Italy! Specifically, I wanted to watch something that had been in my queue for several years and that would make me squirm a bit. Thankfully Lucio Fulci’s 1982 cult favorite giallo The New York Ripper (originally titled Lo squartatore di New York) was there to welcome me with bloody arms.

 

The plot is your basic “detective looking for a serial killer” trope, but what helps separate this one from the pack is just the all-around weirdness, ugliness, and brutality of it all. When your movie opens with a man playing fetch with his golden retriever, only for his dog to ignorantly bring back a decomposing, severed hand, you know that this isn’t going to be a simple procedural or anything you’d see on CBS evenings. For starters, this movie is super sleazy and grimy. Admittedly, I haven’t been to New York City in more than twenty years, but this movie dives into the darker and more “sensuous” side of the big apple that I’m sure some people reading this may not want to admit exists. There ain’t no Broadway Musical highlighting, but apparently in the world of The New York Ripper, you can attend live sex shows. So, there’s that! The violence is also unrepentantly BRUTAL (as is usually the case with Fulci), with our titular killer brandishing only a switchblade and straight-razors. If you know anything about Lucio Fulci (whose other works include bangers such as The Beyond, Zombie, and City of the Living Dead just to name a few), then you know there is also bound to be some eyeball violence thrown into the mix too, so brace yourself for that. There's also a memorable sequence involving a broken bottle that can be best described as "something you don't see every day."

But while the slayings seen on screen will certainly stick in your mind for a very long time, it’s the very odd (if not slightly jarring) decision to have our titular slasher constantly quacking at their victims while harassing and ultimately eviscerating them. I couldn’t fully tell if that was meant to be genuinely intimidating or if it was meant to be a parody, but I suppose that if you put yourself in the shoes of the people being stalked, it can be a bit disorienting? Even after laying out my rough draft for this, I can’t fully tell whether to put this into my list of “positives” or “negatives,” because it is just so peculiar. One genuine complaint I DO have though is that while the film does manage to do a surprisingly good job at keeping you guessing as to who the killer is (even after a moment that makes it seem SUPER obvious), there is a twist in its final act that comes in from out of NOWHERE that had me audibly asking why that needed to be there. It just kind of blindsides you with unnecessary exposition.

 

 

Lucio Fulci is an “acquired” taste, and The New York Ripper isn’t really an exception to that. It’s gratuitous, mean, and unsavory. I also think you could make an argument that it’s slightly misogynistic too unfortunately (his other contemporaries like Dario Argento tended to write stronger female characters). Still, flaws and all, I really had a ball with this one. If you have the stomach for it and want a nice heap of some blood-soaked cheese, throw this into your queue. As of the time of this review, it’s currently available to stream on Shudder and Tubi!

Unseen Terror 2022: Catching the Hell Up

Sometimes I truly despise having to write. Whether that can be attributed to writer's block or lethargy I'm not sure. Still, here I am. Again. Thank you for your patience. Though I have certainly not been behind on the viewing portions of "Unseen Terror," having to log a lengthy review for every entry is sometimes grating considering that I usually come home physically and emotionally drained. Anyway, enough kvetching and moaning. Let's play "catch up," shall we?

DAY 7:

I had honest-to-Lemmy forgotten that there was a documentary out there about the rabid fanaticism for the Evil Dead franchise. Having previously reviewed documentaries about the likes of Pet Sematary and other properties, I had much higher hopes for the aptly titled Hail to the Deadites. Sadly, I really wish I could have liked this more than I did. There is some genuine love and heart to be found throughout its running time, but if you were to show this to a complete stranger (though I'm not sure who you would be able to convince to sit down and watch this without having seen a single frame of an Evil Dead flick), I imagine that their initial response would be something along the lines of "I don't get it." Worse yet is that it's shockingly boring and meandering at times. This wasn't necessarily bad, but it isn't what I would classify as a necessary viewing. Perhaps the most amusing part is how they dedicate an obscenely large amount of time to one quirky couple who met over a shared love for the films, then follow them as they prepare for their upcoming wedding. One year later, they divorced. Perhaps I'm rotten for laughing at that as hard as I did.

DAY 8:

DAY 9:

The yearly Goosebumps viewing commenced, and though I found "Vampire Breath" (pictured above) and "Calling All Creeps" to both be marginally entertaining in different ways (sadly I never read either of the books for these ones), I feel as though I'm picking scraps from the carcass that is this distinctly 90s television series from the frightening land known as Canada. The highlight comes from the former having an ending that is eerily reminiscent of a segment in The Simpsons' "Treehouse of Horror IV" episode. Whether that was intentional or not I haven't the faintest idea, but it made me chuckle, nonetheless.

DAY 10:

.....don't give me that look. I'm allowed to cheat once in a while. And besides, how can one turn down an offer to watch a Godzilla film wherein he fights a behemoth that is born from his initial demise in 1954? And that beast sports an aggregate form that resembles a giant, f'd up hybrid that looks like a gross combination of a Xenomorph (complete with a "mouth within a mouth") and a mutated crustacean? Godzilla vs. Destoroyah, the conclusion the Big G's second "era," is an entry that seems to have one foot in the door of the horror genre, as the plot revolves around a Godzilla that is, in layman's terms, overflowing with radioactivity to the point where he WILL experience a meltdown that can annihilate the entire planet (the tagline for its poster was "GODZILLA DIES" in case you doubted the severity of the situation). Perhaps one day I'll venture worth and do a revisiting of every single entry in this near seventy-year-old franchise. For now, I'll just say that you should sit down and find a way to experience every entry in what is dubbed the "Heisei" era. They all have a connecting story, some truly remarkable monsters, and grandiose scores.

DAY 11:

Y'know, considering all of the times that I've attempted to do something "themed" for the day of my birth (more often than not it's a picture released in 1985), it never dawned on me that the said-to-be underrated Happy Birthday to Me was sitting there right under my nose. Thankfully this bad boy popped up on Tubi (though with an AWFUL alternate cover) and it was about damn time that I viewed this oddity. Happy Birthday to Me, directed by the late J. Lee Thompson (of Cape Fear and Guns of Navarone fame) is more akin to a psychological thriller or "whodunit" mystery than a flat-out slasher picture, and I was pleasantly surprised by this revelation. The plot revolves around a small group of teenagers and their disappearances coinciding around the time of one of their birthdays. The cast of characters are written to be a bit on the snobby side, which does make a lot of sense considering that they all attend a rather prestigious academy, but the highlight and main focus of the picture is Virginia Wainwright (played excellently by Little House on the Prairie's Melissa Sue Anderson), who seems to have gone through some pretty traumatic stuff in her childhood that could lead you to believe that perhaps she is either a cold-blooded killer or a classic "red herring." The plot does become a bit confusing at certain points and I do wish that they had been able to shave off at least ten minutes' worth of running time, but this was such a delight. Check it out.

DAYS 12-13:

Man oh man, I feel like punching myself for having slept on Don Mancini's new Chucky series for USA & SyFy (which is thankfully streaming in its entirety on Peacock). If I haven't stated it before, the Child's Play franchise has grown into perhaps a top 5 favorite for me personally and watching the growth of series mainstay and mastermind Don Mancini (who save for the remake, has had direct involvement in every single installment in some way shape or form) has been quite grand. The show follows teenager Jake Wheeler as he comes into possession of the now infamous "Good Guy" doll, and we slowly watch as not only does Chucky begin to do what he does best, but we witness him attempt to manipulate all of those around him into becoming just as depraved and sick as he is. The cast is all quite excellent and seeing fan favorites like Jennifer Tilly and Fiona Dourif reprise their roles from prior movies is a treat. The kills are also quite grand. The first episode contains a sequence involving Chucky vomiting and causing an electrocution. Once that had finished, I knew I was on board. If you are seeking out something extremely entertaining to watch for the month, I highly recommend it. Now to begin Season 2...

DAY 14:

In all seriousness, I go into further details regarding my thoughts about this supposed "final" entry in the Halloween franchise (or at least, for this new trilogy) on the Jortscenter Podcast Feed. Yes, I am plugging the podcast that I do with my friends. This pile of slop is proving to be very divisive among fans and I can understand arguments on both sides of why they do/do not enjoy it. Without going into too many spoilers, I will say that overall, I was not a fan of what essentially feels like the "Poochie" entry in the Halloween series. It didn't aggravate me the same way that its predecessor Halloween Kills did, but that is very faint praise for what I felt was an extremely frustrating experience.

DAY 15: 

I'm still perplexed as to why this film (which also goes by the much more straightforward title of "Insect") has such a bizarre title. Regardless, it was about damn time I got the chance to log another "natural" horror flick for Unseen Terror. I truly do wish that there were more killer bug movies out there that had some semblance of a budget or care put into the finished product. Blue Monkey (directed by future Goosebumps television series regular William Fruet) is a hoot of a big bug flick that pays an equal amount of homage to Alien as it does your prototypical "outbreak" motion picture. The acting is surprisingly quite serious for such an absurdly, silly film, but that just adds to its charm. Set primarily inside of a hospital, Blue Monkey follows as a small group of doctors struggling to survive the sudden, violent emergence of a rather large insect that seems intent on picking them off (when it isn't focused on somehow being to able to breed through hermaphroditic means). I have to thank the wonderfully talented Dr. Rebekah McKendry for turning me on to this movie's existence a number of years ago via her excellent "All the Colors of the Dark" podcast. While I am unsure as to whether it has seen a proper Blu-Ray release or not, you can currently seek it out on YouTube.

Side note: please do the Jortscenter podcast Bekah. We're uh, cool I swear.

DAY 16:

For the first time in goodness knows how long, I have no earthly idea how to review an entry for "Unseen Terror." You might stare at the poster for Dogface: A Trap House Horror and assume it's likely to be low budget garbage that wishes it were as cool as something like say, Bones or Tales from the Hood. You would be oh, so wrong though. This movie.........is in a league of its own. I can't call this a good film by any stretch of the imagination, but oh boy is it a fascinating experiment in trying to make a flick that thinks it is deep or even coherent. I suppose the best way that I can describe Dogface would be if notorious filmmaker Neil Breen decided to make Jacob's Ladder. Even then, that is nowhere near the right comparison I can make. I truly hope we can discuss this on a future podcast, or that the good folks at Red Letter Media can bring more attention to its sheer and utter weirdness. Recommended only for those who are in the mood for something absolutely batshit crazy and nonsensical.

DAY 17:

Ah yes, here's the (mostly) yearly Stephen King pick. To be brutally honest with you, I had no familiarity with Quicksilver Highway's mere existence until planning this year's list. Once I saw that it adapted one of my favorite King shorts ("Chattery Teeth") and also contained a Clive Barker adaptation for its second story, I was fully on board though. Plus, it has the wonderful Christopher Lloyd (Back to the Future, Who Framed Roger Rabbit) as a central character/narrator and it's directed by the marvelous Mick Garris, who directed Critters 2 and wrote Hocus Pocus. What could go wr----you know where I'm going with this, don't you?

Alas this one was just such a colossal disappointment, and I don't think I can fault the fact that this was originally pitched as a TV pilot. More so, I'd just say that these particular stories don't quite work on the big OR small screen (especially when the severed CGI hands in Barker's story "The Body Politic" look worse than the animation in the "Money for Nothing" music video). The acting is serviceable at best and while each story is certainly memorable, they aren't especially scary or creepy. Unless you're a completist for Barker and King, you can skip right over this one.

DAY 18:

FINALLY, we close out this blog entry with what will undoubtedly go down as a highlight for this year's marathon. I had been meaning to watch Dario Argento's rather infamous Opera for quite a while, and truth be told it was supposed to end up on not only last year's (cancelled) list, but the past two ones before it! Burnout be damned this time around though. Once I saw that this beauty ended up on both Shudder AND Tubi, I felt as there was no excuse to miss it now. Plus, I need a GOOD Italian picture to erase the stench of Zombi 4 and Zombi 5.

The plot for Opera follows a young soprano understudy named Betty who has taken on the role of "Lady Macbeth" in a rather extravagant production of "Verdi's Macbeth." Though she was not the initial choice, her mentor is battling an injury that will keep her on the sidelines. During opening night, a stagehand is mysteriously murdered by an unknown assailant. In no short order, Betty finds herself being stalked by a maniac who seems more content with forcing her to watch those around her who she cares for suffer horrible fates, rather than kill her outright. The primary method in which they enact this sort of torture on poor Betty is what you see on the poster above: they tape needles underneath her eyes, so that she is forced to watch any killing that occurs. It is downright chilling and extremely unnerving in a way that only a maestro like Argento can pull off (as are all of the kills this time around). The score, composed by longtime associate Claudio Simonetti (joined this time by both Brian Eno and Bill Wyman!) also kicks a ton of ass and I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to find a copy of it on vinyl ASAP.

There are a few gripes that I had with Opera though. For starters, the plot does feel a bit jumbled in spots. I had legitimately forgotten there was a rather important aspect to Betty's background that they seemed to just kinda forget until the very end. The dubbing is also very questionable, but that's Giallo for ya I suppose. Finally, I do wish that they had shaved off at least a few minutes. Minor complaints though.

Not sure what else I can say here (and that's mostly because I'm very tired). Go watch Opera. It slaps y'all.

Unseen Terror 2022: Days 4-6

My apologies for the delay. I have no excuse for being later than usual with these silly little reviews (well, besides lethargy and work). I do solemnly swear however that these entries from the past three days will make up for this. And besides, I can give you a brief history lesson about the following "franchise" for those of you reading who are unfamiliar with such.

To start off, not that it necessarily comes as a shocking revelation, but you should watch George Romero's classic feature Dawn of the Dead if you have yet to do so. It is inarguably one of the most prolific and influential motion pictures in the horror genre and changed the public's perception of the "undead" genre. Easy enough, yes? Well, here is where things become...complicated. When Dawn was released overseas, it was retitled Zombi. As I've mentioned in reviews from years prior, the Italians (bless their hearts) tended to film unofficial sequels to foreign films. Thus, Lucio Fulci's Zombi 2 was released as a "follow-up" to Dawn of the Dead. Both pictures have fuck all to do with one another, but uh, they have zombies! So, there's that! In America, Zombi 2 was released under the titles of both Zombie and Zombie Flesh Eaters (of which I have the soundtrack to on vinyl!) for legal reasons that should seem fairly obvious. Overseas, the Zombi series continued with a myriad of in-name-only sequels.

First up is 1988's Zombi 3, which while boasting the highest body count and best budget among the three, also has some ridiculously convoluted history itself. Zombi 3 was originally set to be directed by Zombi 2's director, the ultra-talented and sorely missed Lucio Fulci. Alas, he fell ill during filming (though some dispute that he was squabbling with producers) and left the project after shooting roughly 50-60% of it. The rest was left in the hands of fellow Italian schlockmaster Bruno Mattei. I've covered Mattei in the past on here and though I hate to speak ill of the dead, I am not the hugest fan of his body of work. Thankfully, most of Zombi 3 works due to Fulci's influence being far greater on the final product than that of the man who gave us Shocking Dark and Cruel Jaws. Zombi 3's plot revolves around scientists working on a biological weapon called "Death One," which shocker of shockers, falls into the wrong hands and is accidentally unleashed on a small island. You can take one guess as to what happens next, but despite some familiarities between this and other "outbreak" flicks (and characters that all kind of blend together), there is still a ton of fun to be had here. The gore is pretty great, the dubbing is hilariously terrible, and the soundtrack, while not on the same levels with other Italian horror classics, is still pretty rad. Highlight of the film easily goes to a zombie head in a refrigerator seemingly defying the laws of physics and speeding towards a person like a bullet to bite them on the neck. Good, goofy nonsense.

Unfortunately, the same can't be said for Zombie 4 (alternately released as After Death). I cannot understand how one concocts a plot that involves a voodoo priest, a gaggle of mercenaries who look like WWF jobbers from the 1980s, and the undead but manages to make it so unbelievably boring. Then again, when you've got the person behind Troll 2 and Monster Dog sitting in the director's chair, this movie barely stood a chance. If there are any positive aspects of Zombie 4, it is that the title track from its soundtrack is a certified banger and Jeff Stryker (primarily known for his work in pornographic flicks) does a fairly admirable job with the material he's given. Still, there is little reason to visit this one unless you have to watch literally every picture involving a zombie. Showing this to people who want to get into Italian horror is the equivalent to giving a curious, new metal fan "St. Anger" as their first Metallica album.

We finally come to Zombie 5, which goes by the much better title of Killing Birds. Without giving a large number of details away, the poster and title for this motion picture is a lie. Yes, there are birds. Yes, there is killing. There are no killing birds (the most damage dealt by one is via pecking out Robert Vaughn's eyes). There is also a criminally low amount of zombie action, and it takes a full HOUR before things start going truly awry. The story has something to do with students searching for woodpeckers in Louisiana and it leading to a blind man with ties to the undead. Or something. This was honestly a struggle to get through, and it doesn't help that much like the aforementioned Zombie 4, the movie just kind of...stops rather than ends. Side note: do you know how difficult it was to search for "Killing Birds" online without finding pictures that repulsed me?

While the latter two pictures are not of the highest quality, both of Lucio Fulci's previously mentioned features (as well as most of his filmography) are available for viewing and purchase and are definitely worth investing your time in. But fret not, we are not completely done with Italy this month! Come back soon for another evening with Dario Argento. As for tomorrow though? Well, I think Tobe Hooper has that day reserved.

Unseen Terror 2019: Day 15

This wasn't supposed to happen god damn it.

Peaking this early is usually unheard of whenever I do this silly marathon.

I suppose that expecting quality from one of horror's most underappreciated artists was a given, but I still don't think that I was ready for Lucio Fulci's The Beyond. Being more than familiar with the man's body of work, this has somehow slipped though my fingers every time that I tried to watch it. Whether it was due to bad timing, the physical copy of the Blu-Ray being stolen from my job, or just laziness, the full-length feature that is widely considered by historians to be the best picture from the late Italian director just never quite made it onto the countdown. Seeing as how I'm now thirty-four, there were no more excuses left and I finally sat down, pressed play, and prepared for whatever would come about.

The plot to The Beyond is a fairly simple one, though it certainly doesn't unfold the way that you expect it to. A young woman named Liza inherits a hotel in Louisiana, and plans to re-open the establishment once renovations have been completed. Unbeknownst to her, the property has a sinister history to it: fifty-four years prior, a painter was brutally murdered by a suspicious band of townsfolk, who suspected the man of practicing black magic in an attempt to bring about hell on earth. Following a serious of bizarre (and occasionally fatal) accidents and an encounter with a blind girl named Emily who warns the new caretaker to leave the premises that she seems so intent on reopening, Liza begins to feel like something is very, very wrong with the inn. That is the best that I can do for The Beyond's plot, because what follows is a series of very odd, violent, and nightmarish sequences that make you wonder what is real and what isn't. This story is about confusing the audience, but not actually leaving them "confused." Look, I know that may sound very pretentious, but trust me on this one.

Cast-wise, the most memorable of this crew is easily actress Cinzia Monreale. Sporting white contact lenses and body language that gives the viewers an idea that there's more to her than meets the eye (I'll see myself out) to this mysterious stranger. The technical aspects of The Beyond are also impressive, and extra credit has to be given to cinematographer Sergio Salvati as well, whose previous work with Fulci on Zombie (aka Zombi 2) was equally impressive, and the two have been able to craft an otherworldly feel that permeates throughout a number of pictures. Then there's composer Fabio Frizzi, who in this humble geek's opinion, should be celebrated just as much as his fellow countrymen in Goblin. The score to The Beyond is equal parts grandiose and threatening, and the main theme in particular sounds as close to watching our world come to an end as I've heard in quite a while. But you don't want me to talk about how great the music or camera work is, do you? Nooooo, you want me to talk about the nasty material, a.k.a. what attracts a majority of newcomers to the world of Italian horror classics: the over-the-top gore. Well, I'm sorry to say, but The Beyond doesn't sport a single drop of blood. None. Nothing is spilled in the moments where a woman has sulfuric acid poured onto her face, or when a dog violently tears open someone's throat, or when someone is shot in the face which results in their head bursting like an egg that is thrown off the top of a building.

The bloodshed in The Beyond is some of the most ghastly that I've seen to date in any Unseen Terror entry, and it is so masterfully done that you'll be smiling like a madman right after squirming like a child at the doctor's office. To use music analogies: if the violence in Dario Argento's films were Neurosis, then this is Carcass. This means that if you're squeamish (one particular scene gave me uneasy flashbacks to when I was a child and freaked out over the film Arachnophobia), be very careful. So, now that the ass kissing is out of the way, I have to talk about some of the problems with this gem. As stated above, sometimes the movie starts to fall apart by filling in the time to do things because it's likely that Fulci and his crew think said moments are cool enough to make you realize that they're kind of irrelevant to the plot or make zero sense in the context of everything. The ending is also a bit of a head scratcher (and seems rather abrupt), but if you piece portions of the script together, it makes more sense.

I have at least sixteen other flicks to watch before October ends, but Lucio Fulci's The Beyond has set the bar pretty high for those to come. It's a dark, shocking, strange, bloody, and ultimately mesmerizing piece of Italian horror that is essential for anyone looking to venture out beyond the realm of "traditional" cinema, especially of the more grim variety. Unfortunately, it appears as those the exquisite Blu-Ray from Grindhouse Releasing is close to (if not already) going out of print, so acquiring a copy should be done as soon as possible. If you prefer your films streamed however, then you are in luck as Shudder has the film (along with many of Fulci's other works) available to watch whenever you have the free time, while Amazon Prime has it under the title when it was cut up and released in the U.S: 7 Doors of Death.

Heck while you're at it, go watch City of the Living Dead or Zombie too and we can argue about which of the three has the most repulsive sequences involving facial harm. We'll totally look like normal when doing so.

Tomorrow, I'm taking another quick break from full-length features in search of some...."creepy" television.

Unseen Terror 2019: Days 5 & 6

Six years ago, I was finally able to watch and review the 1983 cult classic The Deadly Spawn. It's a joyous, gory, low-budget romp which proves that one doesn't necessarily need a gigantic budget to make a truly great horror flick. Much to my surprise, however, I heard rumblings of a quasi-sequel out there on the market, and that it sported a higher budget than its predecessor. These rumors proved to be.....partially accurate, as 1990's Metamorphosis: The Alien Factor was indeed originally conceived as a follow-up to that very picture (and was even initially shot under the title of Deadly Spawn 2: The Metamorphosis), but underwent a number of drastic changes over the course of several years. The end result isn't up to par with its forefather, but does this story of a scientist infected by an alien virus that slowly mutates him into a bloodthirsty beast warrant its 4.7 rating on imdb?


Seeing as how I'm still very tired from this weekend's Monster Mania Con in Maryland, I'll try to be as nice as humanly possible: yeah, it kind of does deserve a score that low. I suppose that if I can start with the positive aspects of Metamorphosis, I'd have to begin with the effects work. Even if the feature-length film itself isn't anything to write home about, the overall designs are pretty decent. The main baddy has a look to it which seems to blend influences from the o.g. Deadly Spawn aliens, the tendril-filled horror from The Thing, and aspects that modern day fans of games like Dead Space would likely appreciate. The only flaws in its grotesque design come from when many of the movie's stop-motion moments kick in, and it does a very good job at nearly taking you out of the whole thing with just how immovable it appears to be. Yes, I know that this was during the heyday of straight-to-video 1990s schlockfests (I grew up with it after all), but I imagine that even then people would have been laughing quite a bit at the absurdity of the whole shebang. There are also more than a few cheesy segments and fights that harken back to the best moments of the "first" film, including a beatdown by one executive on a bumbling, wannabe hero that seems to last several minutes and travels across several rooms of the facility that everyone is trapped in.


While all of that nonsense will manage to elicit a fair amount of chuckles from people with an appreciation for dumb cinema, the rest of Metamorphosis is proof that sometimes you can only strike gold once. Most of the dialogue by Glenn Takakjian (who also directed) is just plain awful, or painfully cliched to the point where you'll wish that you were watching something with a slightly similar plot like The Fly II. Not helping matters is a fairly weak cast, who just seem like they don't know whether to play their roles as serious or campy. At least one of them (Allen Lewis Rickman) has several Troma movies listed in their filmography though, so at least one of them understood what was going on here. The pacing, particularly towards the end, also begins to drag and you're just as likely to breathe a sigh of relief before the final stinger at the end.


It isn't breaking new ground, but I did find Metamorphosis to be decently entertaining, though sometimes a chore to get through. It's got the right amount of bloodshed and camp to help its running time move along rather smoothly, and sports a pretty rad monster to boot, but it does feel like nothing is immediately memorable. Anyone who is longing for the days of when every VHS tape that you rented had "that one weird ass preview" on it might want to check it out. The DVD for this sucker doesn't cost a whole lot, and you can catch it on sites such as YouTube....for now.



Just be careful that you don't accidentally come across the other film released in 1990 that is also titled Metamorphosis. We don't need the horror movie equivalent of the Batushka drama, do we?





Alright, time for Day 6.

*deep sigh*



Man, what a strange and shameless piece of excrement. Prior to this year's Unseen Terror, I knew more about 1989's Shocking Dark than I cared to know, and even finally getting around to watching the film in its entirety didn't prepare me for what was to follow. The synopsis should sound very familiar to anyone and everyone who has ever forayed into the realm of science fiction/horror/action hybrids. In the year 2000, Venice has been overly polluted and ravaged. While people work on the surface in an attempt to make things more habitable, bloodthirsty creatures that lurk beneath the city start to attack them or take them below to be cocooned. Soon, a group of soldiers and civilians are sent to investigate and take down whatever threat they may encounter.


If you think that most of that plot sounds awfully similar to the one of James Cameron's Aliens, then you should be happy knowing that your brain hasn't been completely ravaged by rampant drug use. Look, I've covered many Italian horror flicks over the years on here (usually with mixed results). But Shocking Dark is easily the most shameless of the ones that I've watched to date. For about a good ninety percent of its running time, this is a direct ripoff of Aliens, only with a tinier budget, much worse acting (Geretta Geretta of Demons fame deserved far more screen time), and some pretty darn cheap effects work. Then, in a twist that nobody could have expected (unless you look at the poster), the picture decides to rip off another Cameron classic by revealing that someone in the gang of fighters is a cyborg. In a film that was already pretty incompetent and suffering from an identity crisis, this just jams another screwdriver into your head. I wasn't terribly surprised to discover that this was directed by Bruno Mattei, who's made an appearance before on this marathon with the absolutely horrendous Cruel Jaws. I hate to speak ill of the dead, but most of the man's filmography was made up of shameless ripoffs and softcore cinematic forays. Let it be known that I don't have a problem with that, but it's just a fact, and like many of his filmmaking brethren, retitling this as a fake "sequel" to a successful movie from the west wasn't beneath him.


All of my gripes and complaint aside, I do believe that a movie like Shocking Dark has to be seen at least once before you die. It isn't something that aspiring filmmakers should look up to, but you have to admire just how ballsy some of these filmmakers were with their inability to give a single fuck about many "traditional" aspects of writing or directing. Originality isn't the name of the game with many of these flicks, though building off of similar concepts seen in their American influences and adding in something truly bizarre is certainly welcome. But like I said, it isn't a good movie. At. All. Still, if you have some cash to spend (and access to good beer), Severin released a loaded Blu-Ray last year that contains a number of extras and far more attention spent on it than anyone could have expected.



Beware of incessant yelling from this film's version of Newt though.




Tomorrow, I have to go back to work, though perhaps unwrapping one of the newer Blu-Rays I picked up at Monster Mania is an option...

Unseen Terror 2017: Day 28

On a dark and stormy night, American ballet student Suzy Bannon arrives at an airport in Freiburg, Germany. She has made the trip over for the purpose of attending one of the finest dancing academies in the world, but as soon she arrives to the premises, something feels amiss. Kicking off with the gruesome murder of a student, bizarre and unusual events begin to occur, with each becoming progressively worse than the last. Suzy also begins to experience visions and heavy dizziness during practices, with all of the teachers brushing it aside as nothing to be concerned with. Along with her other schoolmates, Suzy slowly starts to snoop around for answers, but what they unearth may be beyond even their understanding, and has a shocking, potentially supernatural history that spans several centuries. 



Well, this one will be rather hard to top.


While assembling the running order for this year's Unseen Terror, I had noticed something egregious and quite puzzling: I had never seen 1977's grandiose giallo triumph Suspiria. For as much as I have memorized its beloved soundtrack, my precious eyes had never been exposed to what many people call their personal favorite of Italian director Dario Argento's entire filmography. When news broke to me of a 4K restoration of the movie coming to select cinemas during the month of Halloween, I knew that finally adding it to my "watch" list was vital and of the utmost importance. After sitting through its one hundred-minute running time, I can't really be surprised by the praise that it is still showered with.


Suspiria's most memorable traits arguably come from its imagery and cinematography. As one of the very last pictures to utilize true technicolor, Argento and his crew take you on a ride that feels like entering a haunted house while on ecstasy. The murders seen throughout are gruesome, but they are shot in such a way that they feel like you're watching a well-known artist at the top of his game. It's the type of filmmaking and work that should be studied in classes that specialize in, or at least discuss the scarier side of cinema. This impressive technique is made all the more splendid if you ever get the chance to catch this newly restored print that has been touring the country, as the already eye-catching and shocking palettes are highlighted in a way that even someone such as myself can not properly describe. It makes Suspiria feel ten years younger, and aids the entire experience with leaving you feeling as if one is stuck in a never-ending nightmare (the performance of actress Jessica Harper as Suzy Bannon only accentuates the paranoia amongst our female leads). I was quite surprised by how alert and varied her facial expressions are: she looks constantly disturbed by her environment and the ensuing chaos that begins to build. Excluding Alida Valli and Joan Bennett, who play two of the school's superiors, a lot of the cast is overdubbed, but despite that pet peeve of mine, there is great effort put into the performers' physical actions and aspects. Keep an eye out for a much younger Udo Kier (Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, Shadow of the Vampire) as a psychologist who has a fair share of information to pass along to Suzy.


Like in Argento's prior motion picture, Suspiria isn't afraid to get down and dirty with the offing of several key players. If Profondo Rosso was Argento's "Black Sabbath," then this is his "Paranoid." The hits (pun intended?) are equally as extravagant as its predecessor, but lengthier in their agony. Perhaps the film's most memorable segment comes from a struggle between school student Pat Hingle (I can hear my NC friends all going "huh?" at the same exact time) and an unseen killer, which results in a painful and stunning death that just drips cool. Many instances of hair-raising moments are spread throughout, thankfully not suffocating the audience with a constant barrage of killings ala slasher pictures, but are carefully crafted and timed to keep the intrigue level high and the fear intact. Another driving force behind these pieces is the pulsating, haunting score by Goblin, who craft a majestic theme that plays in parts during a myriad of times in Suspiria, but never grows old. These compositions and events combine to create a finale that while certainly productive, does admittedly feel somewhat abrupt right before the end credits hit. Then again, this was also present in Profondo Rosso, so I can't really count that as a true complaint, especially when the buildup is so well shot.


Perhaps it's the late hours, or maybe I'm just too much in awe of what I just witnessed, but I don't feel as if I can add much more to the collective opinion of Suspiria's fans. It's a vibrant, suspenseful, and morbidly magical picture that needs to be an essential in every horror movie fan's collection, or for those seeking out extraordinarily unique works of screen art. Sadly, trying to purchase any copy of the flick on DVD or Blu-ray will cost you more money than expected, but fret not! Currently, cult video experts Synapse Films will be releasing this version in a gorgeous-looking Steelbook. Like other recent releases such as Phenomena and Popcorn, interested parties will just have to wait for several months afterwards in order to get a traditional Blu-ray.



But man oh man, that $49.95 price tag just might be worth it.




Tomorrow, come back for a movie! Probably a frightening one too!

Unseen Terror 2016: Day 14

When a large, seemingly abandoned ship wanders into the harbor of New York, a small group of scientists and officers are sent to investigate. While on board, they discover that save for two deceased men, most of the crew has disappeared, and the only objects remaining on board are a collection of coffee crates that harbor large, green eggs inside of them. When exposed to heat and physical contact, the items pulsate and explode into a mess of an acid-like substance, which subsequently causes any nearby recipient's chest to explode from within. After the word of these ghastly revelations gets out to the military, they send in one Colonel Stella Holmes, who is convinced that there is a connection between these unknown eggs and a recent trip to Mars for two astronauts that ended when one disappeared not long after touching down on the planet.



It goes without saying that nearly any and every fan of horror cinema likes at least one or two Italian-based productions. Whether it is something stylish and beautifully macabre (Suspiria, Cemetery Man), an insane, violent romp with a rock and roll attitude (Demons), or something that is just out flat out bizarrely entertaining amongst glorious moments of gore (City of the Living Dead, Zombi 2), there is a little bit of something out there for everyone to enjoy. Lesser known to casual fans of this vastly humongous genre is the smaller offshoot of what has been dubbed over the years as the "Italian knockoffs." While not completely plagiarizing their sources of inspiration, these films had an unabashed, un-ironic tendency to take pictures from the west, give them a bit of a more colorful makeover by upping the blood spillage, increase the amount of buxom beauties shown throughout, and throw in a killer synth-based soundtrack to boot. Hell, even the latter feature from Lucio Fulci mentioned above was promoted as a sequel to George Romero's Dawn of the Dead many years before the actual follow-up was written and sent out to cinemas!


So, judging by Contamination's poster and my knowledge that it was often marketed as Alien Contamination in other circles, I was fully prepared for a nastier version of Ridley Scott's science fiction/horror classic from 1979, which was released to theaters only a year prior to this project from overseas. However, the similarities to that movie are surprisingly more exaggerated than I expected them to be. Outside of featuring the larger-sized eggs which cause explosions from the unfortunate victim's front area, Luigi Cozzi's (also of Star Wars knockoff Star Crash fame) foray into this field surprisingly stands on its own as a fairly unique beast, and shares virtually nothing in common with the flick that gave us the Xenomorph and Face Hugger. Most of Contamination borrows, but doesn't steal from an assortment of stateside thrillers and Sci-Fi features rather than just one singular entity. There is even a small influence from crime dramas thrown into the mix, with the actual bursting kept to a minimum so that it doesn't dissolve into relentless bloodshed with no actual human drama. Yes, it isn't like Contamination is the first to do this, but it feels oddly fresh when you think about the whole shebang and that it could have just made the conscious decision to be ninety minutes of endless violence instead.


Despite featuring some absolutely horrendous "dubbing" from those involved in the post-production and editing areas (the voices on every black character are comically cringe-inducing), most of Contamination's actual cast does a fairly admirable job in the acting department. Ian McCulloch. also of Zombi 2 fame, is a likable protagonist who while initially reluctant to revisit something that obviously scarred him, eventually becomes more than game to just go with the flow of things. It was pretty fun to watch him (along with Marino Mase's over-the-top wiseass cop) at every moment while jointly immersing ourselves in this astronaut's immensely strange, horrific backstory. Louise Marleau brings an occasional pout-heavy, soap opera-level type of performance with her to the flick, but it just ends up increasing one's enjoyment of the entire experience. Still, I feel as though I will never get over seeing any crew distinctly mouth the proper words from the script on screen, only to have somebody clearly not on their same level butcher what they worked so hard at doing correctly. While the aforementioned departments seemingly failed here and there in the realm of voiceovers, they more than made up for it by working on other tasks. The sound effects of the eggs themselves is incredibly creepy, and one wonders if the eerie humming that they emit is coming from the inside of their shells or from the faint, luminescent glow that surrounds them. It's the type of noise that you would absolutely never want to hear if you were attempting to go to sleep (or if you open the refrigerator for breakfast). Better yet, Contamination is blessed to have its score composed by beloved Italian progressive rock band Goblin, whose work on a plethora of pictures from directing great Dario Argento has cemented their legacy in the genre. Truth be told, their pieces help Cozzi's picture save itself on more than one occasion when it begins to lull or if it nearly jumps into the territory of being too silly. When the primary culprit behind these incidents is revealed (tell me you won't get a Mother Brain vibe from this monstrosity), their tracks give off a sense of fascination that easily resonates with the audience, while simultaneously syncing up perfectly with the newly-instilled fear in our protagonists.


Thank goodness for pictures like Contamination. It isn't a particularly great movie per se, and as hinted at, the second half does tend to drag for a bit (though it's turned right back up to eleven during the final twelve minutes), but the amount of heart and B-grade grandeur put into it does make for a rather good way to kill some time. Think of this entry as a pleasantly memorable pit stop in between looking for other foreign productions in the world of horror and peculiar science fiction. Or, if you want to make a more appropriate comparison for the newer generation that reads this, it is as if The Asylum actually knew how to properly make a motion picture with a small budget and honest-to-god effort. If your curiosity has been peaked, a myriad of ways to watch this bad boy online or in person are available. There's YouTube, Amazon Prime, and even a ridiculously packed Blu-Ray from Arrow Video that is readily available for purchase.



And come on, you know that you want to give your money to a grown man who colorized, edited, and released the original Godzilla: King of the Monsters in his home country during 1977. Right?.......Right?





.....okay, I SWEAR that will be the last reference to another god damn kaiju movie on here for at least the rest of the month!





Tomorrow, it is time to catch up yet again with one of the masters of horror literature, and I regale you with a tale from my high school years related to the work in question!