Unseen Terror 2023: Piégé En Enfer (Day 19)

Though I'm fairly certain I've stated it before, I grew up as a "90s baby." I don't have as much attachment to a great deal of properties established in the decade prior to it as others do, but I'm always willing to catch up. There often seems to be this rather strange opinion that the 1990s were a dark time for horror, and when you consider how many of the titans of the genre fell off fast and hard, it's understandable to be critical. Plus, you had the emergence of "meta" slashers which almost seemed to insinuate that the genre itself had become predictable (not true). However, in recent years, I feel as though the champions of 90s horror have been winning people over by reminding them that horror wasn't just alive during that time period, but it was evolving, and more creative ideas were coming to the forefront. The low-budget Canadian oddball known as Cube was one such film that garnered a lot of attention upon release, but I'll admit that I never got around to viewing it until now because...well, I'm not quite sure why. Sometimes I just take a while to do things, okay?

Cube's plot revolves around a group of six strangers who wake up trapped inside of a small room with no memory of how they ended up there. It doesn't take long to realize that everyone is trapped inside of what is essentially a maze. For every room you enter, there is a chance that it could contain either a hint of how to escape or a horrific booby trap. The "horror game" subgenre has grown larger over the last few years with the popularity of the Saw franchise, but the blueprints for its explosion are found directly in Cube. Unlike those flicks however, I had a more genuine sense of dread and claustrophobia than I ever imagined. This is such a large labyrinthian prison, and once I discovered that most of this film was shot in essentially one room (with lighting tricks and clever camera cuts covering up its lack of budget), my respect for it only grew. It's like what the immortal Burt Gummer once said: doing what you can with what you got.

However, there is a complaint that knocks Cube down a peg for me, and that all comes down to the on-screen performances. Don't get me wrong, nobody is BAD in this per se (not a fan of casting someone who's not on the spectrum as an autistic person though), but the exchanges between characters feels very snippy, hostile, and carefree to the point which does make it feel a bit dated. Perhaps the screenwriters were in a bit of rush to get the project started as soon as possible. One character also has a remarkably fast descent into madness which admittedly does result in a pretty scary performance, but also feels like it could have been fleshed out a bit more. Still, even as someone who isn't afraid of close spaces, I CAN imagine that I'd probably lose my mind in there at some point, even if it would probably take more than just a single day. There are also some pretty big questions that never get the answers that we are (seemingly) promised, but as I understand there is a sequel out there. Perhaps that will explain a bit more. Or not, who knows. *shrugs*

Some dated 90s cliches aside, I was thoroughly entranced by Cube and really enjoyed the overall product. It's a remarkably smart, slick sci-fi/horror hybrid that makes the most use of its lower cost and delivers a story that's never boring. A weird little gem for people who are patient (or who grew up wanting to be mathematicians!). As of this writing, it's streaming on a majority of services (Plex, Tubi, and Pluto TV have it). Give it a whirl unless you're a square. 

.....wait don't go! The days of bad puns are over, I s(q)wear.

Yeah, that one was worse.

Unseen Terror 2020: Days 13-15

My apologies. This has been one hell of a stressful week, so I've been behind a bit on writing reviews this time around. If I could receive some tips from people about potentially switching over to do video reviews from now on, I may just do that for future entries.

Anyway, it's pretty late where I am so let's just get these over with.

 

When Thirteen Ghosts (a.k.a. Thir13en Ghosts) was released in theaters, I distinctly remembering just rolling my eyes at the trailer and outright dismissing it. Similar views were shared by seemingly every film critic across the country, because god DAMN did this thing get torn to shreds worse than even the most idiotic of films to come from the horror genre. Over time it seems as though the movie has garnered a bit of a cult following, and a lot of modern horror critics champion the flick for being what amounts to essentially a bloody funhouse ride (it IS a loose remake of a William Castle work after all). And you know what? They're absolutely right, and I'm willing to eat a big bowl of crow in regards to my initial, unfair disdain for a picture that I hadn't even bothered to sit down and watch.

Thirteen Ghosts' fairly basic concept revolves around Arthur (Tony Shalhoub) inheriting a rather large fortune (and most importantly a house) from his deceased uncle. When he, his kids, and their nanny decide to settle in at the new place, they soon discover that it is infested with a number of malevolent spirits. They're joined by a psychic (Matthew Lillard) with connections to Arthur's uncle, and they begin to look for a way to escape the wrath of these violent souls. I gotta tell you right off the bat: the story is pretty damn dumb and very predictable if you've ever watched even one paranormal horror film. The acting is also insanely over the top, with Lillard and antagonist F. Murray Abraham competing to see who can chew the scenery better (though their on screen interactions are sadly kept to a minimum). Lillard in particular seems like he is trying to channel his best Nicholas Cage and Aliens-era Bill Paxton. Without him, I don't know if the film would be nearly as enjoyable as it is. Unfortunately, a lot of the other cast members are just kind of.....there. Shalhoub is doing a perfectly fine job, but his daughter (played by American Pie's Shannon Elizabeth) feels like an afterthought and ultimately turns into nothing more than a damsel in distress. I'll give props where they're due though: the titular ghosts themselves make for some unique-looking monsters.

Far from a masterpiece, but definitely nowhere near the turd that would make Roger Ebert's "Most Hated" list just four years after its release, Thir13en Ghosts is worth a quick watch if you are searching for some entertaining early-2000s schlock. Heck Lillard's performance alone is worth the rental price!

My familiarity with 1982's Madman came from only ever seeing its poster at both video stores and assorted message boards. It's a simple, yet effective design that stands out even amongst the sea of seemingly endless slasher movies that would be dumped into theaters during the decade of excess that everyone loves to romanticize these days.

I wish I could say that I liked the actual finished product itself though. As far as expectations for this year's Unseen Terror marathon go, this is the first real disappointment I've experienced (those later Texas Chainsaw movies don't count because I had no expectations for them). Madman boasts a recognizable lead performer in the form of Gaylen Ross of Dawn of the Dead and Creepshow fame (albeit under a different name), but outside of her presence and a couple of admittedly nasty kills, it's a very standard "summer camp killer" motion picture. There are far too many moments where it just slows to a crawl, and while I'm normally content with slow burns in the realm of horror, this was starting to put me to sleep and make me wish that I was watching The Burning instead.

In fact, unless you're a slasher completist, go do that instead before wasting your time with this one.

I was fully prepared to review the yearly episode of Treehouse of Horror from The Simpsons, until I realized that I had actually jumped the gun a bit: that doesn't air until this upcoming Sunday. Much to my surprise, I discovered that I never got around to viewing LAST YEAR'S episode though, so the day was saved. And it's....fine. If you know me, I've never been shy with expressing my adoration for Matt Groening's most famous creation(s), though after the tenth or eleventh season, my interest starts to wane. Despite the dip in writing quality and the show's insistency that it be even more "pop culture friendly" these days (seriously, an ENTIRE episode based around Lady Gaga coming to Springfield?), these anthology episodes are something that I try my damnedest to stick with. The episode opens with a surprisingly funny parody of The Omen that also reminds us that this is the 666th episode of The Simpsons. Best. Coincidence. Ever? The first full segment is a Stranger Things parody that centers around Milhouse disappearing and feels like more of an excuse to shit on the character's repeated attempts to win Lisa's heart. It does have an amusing ending gag though. The second story is essentially what would happen if Homer died, went to heaven, was sent back to Earth due to a botched deal with Google, but couldn't return in his own body. It provides a few chuckles here and there, but save for seeing how many bodies Homer can "take over," it's probably the weakest of the lot. The third and final piece of last year's Treehouse of Horror is a parody of The Shape of Water with Selma Bouvier falling in love with a captive Kang. It's fairly cute with an ending that recalls one of Futurama's more bizarre plot twists and episodes, but something struck me as being very depressing while watching it (plus the aforementioned opening): Julie Kavner really needs to just settle down and retire. She sounds like she can barely pull off ANY of these voices anymore, and seeing as how she recently turn 70, I think she's earned a right to just count her money and let them audition a new Marge. I know that might sound blasphemous, but at this point I don't really care. Anyway, this episode as a whole is perfectly cromulent.

That brings us to day fifteen's Arc de Triomphe: the absolutely batshit insane Tobe Hooper-directed creation known as The Mangler. I have VERY specific memories of this Stephen King adaptation: while I never saw the film in its entirety as a kid, I do recall seeing its opening sequence and being absolutely flabbergasted at the sight of a middle-aged woman being pulled into a giant laundry press and being turned into a bloody pile of mangled (hardy har har) flesh. Anyway, after that very memorable moment, we're introduced to office John Hunton (portrayed by a mushmouthed Ted Levine of The Silence of the Lambs fame) who is naturally disgusted by the news of this very unusual death. He reconvenes with his brother-in-law Mark, who just so happens to be an expert demonologist and after several more mishaps around the area involving large appliances and gruesome deaths that are all linked to the blood covered apparatus, is convinced that the press is possessed by an unknown entity.

In the traditional sense of the word, The Mangler is not a good movie. The acting is comically over the top, the concept ludicrous, and the scares mostly muddled in trying to gross you out more than genuinely scare you. It is also insanely fun, which is no doubt due to whoever was in charge of casting. Levine getting the chance to portray a hero for once in his career must not have settled well with him, because he still acts a bit squirrely like he did in the film that made him famous years before this was released. He has nothing on the immortal Robert Englund however, who is designed to look (and seemingly act) like he belongs in a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles comic or television series. Every moment that he appears on screen, the world of The Mangler just gets better and better. Stephen King's original short story that this is loosely based on was a largely humorless one, but with how silly and joyous the final product is here, you might have trouble believing that the two are even affiliated with one another.

I've seen The Mangler get annihilated by some horror historians over the past couple of decades and that makes me very sad. If you can't have the same type of fun with a gloriously wacky, violent, and unusually charming flick that I had, I feel a little sad for you. Much like Thir13en Ghosts, it most certainly won't go down as a classic in any field, but it is provides you with an undeniably entertaining time.

Unseen Terror 2020: Day 5

I'll admit that I wasn't planning on knocking out my mandatory "kaiju" flick this early into my yearly marathon, but I figured that a quick break was sorely needed before I dived back into the Texas Chainsaw franchise (specifically the remake and its ilk). There was one major problem however: as widespread and numerous as the "giant monster" genre might be, I was running out of pictures to watch. Hell at this point in 2020, I now own physical copies of nearly every Godzilla or Gamera movie on VHS, DVD, or Blu-Ray (which is something I thought would never happen due to the insanity that is licensing properties with Toho and Kadokawa). Luck would happen to be on my side though via the free streaming service known as Tubi. If you haven't checked them out before, there are some seriously good hidden gems on there from every genre you could think of. In this case, I discovered the 1996 oddity known as Zarkorr! The Invader.

The plot revolves around an average schmo named Tommy, who receives a visit from a pint-sized lady during an average evening of watching cartoons after he has clocked out from his Postal Service job. She warns him of a terrible beast named Zarkorr that has recently been unleashed on Earth, and that Tommy is the one who is destined to stop him. Naturally he has some trouble believing all of this, but all it takes is one glimpse at the news on TV to convince him that he isn't going crazy. With this new task in mind, he joins up with an attractive cryptozoologist and a random policeman in hopes that he can find out exactly HOW he can stop Zarkorr. 

Zarkorr! The Invader comes to us from the oh-so-kinda reliable Full Moon Features, who have blessed the horror community over the decades with stuff like the Puppet Master series and Prehysteria! (a favorite of mine as a kid). This was one of two pictures released under their "Monster Island Entertainment" label, which I'm guessing they thought would be more thriving considering how popular the kaiju genre is. Unfortunately, the giant monster movie genre was in a strange place at the time. Godzilla was dead and Gamera was experiencing a (GREAT) revival overseas that wouldn't hit our shores for a few years. Full Moon themselves had mostly been relegated to the realm of straight-to-video, but that doesn't mean they'd stop trying to make some mindless fun once in a while. In that regard, Zarkorr ALMOST works. The titular monster doesn't get a great deal of time on screen, but he certainly has a nifty look to him (amusingly enough, his roars are that of the Tyrannosaurus from Jurassic Park) and his scenes of rampaging are charming in their nostalgic simplicity. He fares a lot better than the human cast though. Our leads range from irritating to dull, with the only really likeable one of the bunch being Torie Lynch's "Proctor," and even then she disappears from the film after the first ten or so minutes. She plays the aforementioned valley girl-looking tiny advisor who basically explains the entire plot of the flick to Tommy before deciding that she doesn't need to be in the movie anymore.

If you're thinking to yourself "this doesn't sound particularly scary," then you are correct. This was an honest-to-Lemmy mistake on my part, because unlike old school monster pictures such as the original Gojira or Them!, there aren't a great deal of horror elements to be found in Zarkorr! The Invader. It has more in common with weekday afternoon programs like Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers or weekend evening shows on Nickelodeon (I'd say you could show this to your kids but there are some random curse words thrown around and some sexual innuendo). That all being said, it isn't a terribly....uh, terrible movie. It runs for about eighty minutes, has a fun monster, and a fantastically cheesy end credits song. And trust me when I say, it's far less offensive than other Western productions like the American version of Varan or The Giant Claw.

Unlike the latter however, I don't know if our titular monster is "as big as a battleship."

Unseen Terror 2020: Day 4

 

"You know guys, it just dawned on me how weird this film is. Kinda goofy." - Tom Servo

This might not come as a huge surprise to those of you tuning in this early (or at all) to my yearly marathon, but for 2020's iteration of "Unseen Terror," I have made the conscious decision to watch every single entry in the Texas Chainsaw Massacre franchise that has been released as of this month. After sitting through the absolute insanity that is Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation (originally released as The Return of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre) though, I think I'm taking a slight detour with tomorrow's entry. I remember sitting through TCM4 (I am not typing out that entire title every time) when I was a teenager and not having strong feelings about it one way or the other. I recall the film not being particularly violent despite having such a striking title and that its cast of characters spent more time fighting with each other than trying to kill other people. I also recall that it had very early roles from Renee Zellweger and Matthew McConaughey before they ever officially became A-listers. It turns out that those recollections were pretty damn accurate and this oddball picture, which has earned a pretty notorious reputation as the "love it or loathe it" entry in the series is just as strange as I remembered.

The fourth film, which seems to acknowledge that the prior three entries all happened in some sort of capacity, centers around two couples out and about during prom night who (naturally) run into Leatherface's unhinged and deranged family after they accidentally collide with another driver on the road. Nothing too out of this world, but I do find it amusing that some platforms where this is streaming (mine was on Plex. Thanks to Jon if he's reading this) state that apparently Leatherface always attacks people on the night of prom. As Mike Stoklasa once said, "are they experts in things that have never, ever happened?" Regardless of that funny little error, it's kind of unfortunate the protagonists of TCM4 are stuck in that perpetual "obnoxious 90s teenager" mode which really wants you to like them, but ends with you breathing a sigh of relief whenever they're dispatched of so you don't have to hear them talk like no human being ever does. Renee Zellweger comes across as probably the most likeable of the bunch, but that's only because her heroic costars are either too stupid to live or just plain badly written. She does make for a pretty darn good final girl though, handling herself well considering everything going on around her (there's apparently a deleted flashback sequence which explains how/why she doesn't break as easily as others have in the past) and showing no hesitation to f*ck up her tormentors whenever the option was available.

We aren't going to spend all of this time talking about the future Oscar winner though. Instead, let's discuss what is easily TCM4's highlight: another....erm, future Oscar winner. Yes, that would be a (then) twenty-five-year-old Matthew McConaughey as the head villain of the picture: the bonkers, self-mutilating, mechanical-leg brace-wielding Vilmer Slaughter. Every damn moment that the famed Texan is on screen is just pure magic. He is comically unhinged and batshit crazy, making even Chop Top from TCM2 look subdued in comparison. There are times where one has to wonder if he was a little TOO into this role, because whenever he has to get close to poor Renee Zellweger he has a very sadistic look on this face which suggests that maybe studying for this part involved partaking in some VERY illegal crimes. His cohorts are equally entertaining: Darla Slaughter (played by the amusing Tonie Perensky) has a very morbid sense of humor, but is far more competent and considerably normal than her family members. Despite his cliched redneck appearance, W.E. Slaughter (portrayed by Joe Stevens of Justified fame) is more well-educated than other evil family members in prior entries (even going so far as to constantly quote famous authors and figures). Unfortunately, I was not the biggest fan of what the film did to poor old Leatherface: he spends a large portion of the film relegated to the background while mostly cowering and screaming. There's an expansion on the idea that the character may be a transvestite or sexually confused (not one in the same by the way!), but it never gets fully explored and just kind of exists to add to the overall weirdness of the picture. There's also a ridiculously stupid revelation which implies that the Sawyer....sorry, Slaughter family has connections to an illuminati-like organization that was responsible for the J.F.K. assassination. It's very, very stupid and again, doesn't really serve much of a purpose save for a scene of pure coincidence in the final five minutes of the film.

Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation is oftentimes baffling, kind of sloppy, and not the most well-directed (did I mention that this was directed by Kim Henkel, who co-wrote the original movie?). It is also, however, really damn entertaining during its second half once the family "gets together." Though largely bloodless, the performances from our leads are good enough to warrant giving this a cautionary recommendation and at the very least, it has a TON of personality, which is more than I could say throughout most of the previous film's running time. There's a nifty-looking Blu-ray out there from Scream! Factory for those of you with a "buzz" for something different.

.....and boy am I ashamed of that joke. Sorry.

I'll make it up to y'all with a really obscure kaiju flick soon.

Unseen Terror 2018: Day 4

A space shuttle called "Nautilus" is heading back to earth, but unexpectedly, it passes through a cloud of alien spores. The lone occupant, a simple man named Steve, is mutated by this exposure and turns into a giant, bloodthirsty creature. Nautilus crashes into a Florida swamp, and it doesn't take long for this new beast to begin wreaking havoc on the populace. It feeds on people as if they were snacks, spreads new, infectious spores of its own, and eventually catches the attention of a small band of town folk. Will they be able to band together and bring down this behemoth, or has its evil spread too far too quickly ?

I mean, how else am I going to start a review of any picture with the likes of Fred Olen Ray AND Jim Wyorski attached to it? For those unfamiliar with that gruesome twosome: if you're of my age, and have ever looked at most crappy straight-to-video "B" movies or late night Skinamax parodies from the early 1990s up until about the mid-2000s, there's a strong chance that they're involved somehow (though at least Wynorski has Chopping Mall to his name). It's arguable about whether they're the proper successors to guys like Ed Wood or not because unlike that infamous director, it wouldn't surprise me if they were conscious about their projects being quite lousy. As someone who was not fully aware of their involvement with Dark Universe, a blind buy from this past weekend's Monster Mania Convention in Hunt Valley, Maryland, I feel that properly reviewing something of this quality is like attempting to discuss flicks like Pocket Ninjas and Samurai Cop to the general public: it's beyond fucking hard.


First off, props to the VHSPS people for providing a very authentic replication of this movie's initial release. There's coming attractions for other obscure flicks that start right after I pressed "play" on this bootleg's main menu (one of which included Joe Piscopo, of whom I still harbor a grudge against because of Dead Heat). It's still absolutely a rip from a video tape, but there's TLC put into this. It sports a nice cover and wraparound that makes you truly feel like you've been teleported back to the glorious days of when video store chains could be found within reasonable driving distance. And with that, the authentic praise officially ends. Because oh boy, we've got a rough one here folks.


Dark Universe was reportedly shot for $40,000 over the span of ten days, and that sounds fairly accurate. The cast consists of Joe Estevez, who is his family's equivalent of a Zero Bar, and nobody else worth a damn. The former must have been rented out for a singular day, as he only appears in the opening scene and several television interviews that are scattered throughout its running time. Maybe they forgot that they had him at their disposal? As for the rest of them.....well, I'd say that they're not exactly capable of hanging with the best of the best, but when you consider what they have to work with, it's unfair to get mad at them. Perhaps the only standout comes from the resident "science guy" in the group, but it's hard to take him seriously when he's dressed like a dollar store Boy Scout troupe leader. Also, there's a ton of unnecessary breast exposure, but that's Jim "Bare Wench Project" Wynorski for ya.


Obviously, the technical aspects of Dark Universe are about what you'd expect from Ray and Wynorski (aka they're quite terrible). I'm guessing that part of the budget must have gone into making the monster, which was emitting some seriously bad VR Troopers vibes. It sports the ability to suck people dry ala the villain Cell from the Dragon Ball franchise, and uses a darting tongue not unlike that of a Xenomorph. When parts of it break off, they change into spores (which for all intents and purposes look like giant boogers) and can possess human hosts. Because of course it can. There's also a moment around the fifty-one minute mark where I audibly yelled "HOLY SHIT, A RABID ARMADILLO ON A STICK." I should have properly prepared myself for something like this, and I curse the fact that I couldn't drink while watching it. Bit of advice kids: don't work in retail. It'll kill any regular routine that you may wish to have.


Dark Universe is what would happen if you threw Predator, Alien, and The Fly into a blender, then threw that device into a dumpster fire. Hell when writing this review, I had to make sure that this wasn't already on Redlettermedia's "Best of the Worst" video series. In no world will this ever be called even a halfway decent picture, but it IS perfect "get drunk with your friends and laugh at it" material. Maybe I should have saved this one for the weekend. As of this time, there is no respectable way to purchase this turd (there's a DVD on Amazon that has Ray's face plastered on the bottom left of the cover), but if you're interested in seeking it out in any way, shape, or form, perhaps a visit to your local horror convention is the best method of obtaining it.



Also, why is it called Dark Universe when the film takes place in fucking Florida of all places?



Ugh, this film man. This film.



Tomorrow, we're gonna get back to viewing more "credible" material and welcome our old friend Clive Barker back to the blog!