Unseen Terror 2024: I Went to Italy Last Year (Days 26-28)

Did I mention that I went to (most of) Italy last year? If I did not, it’s because I’m relatively quiet on most social media sites. I swear I will upload the photos and videos from the whole trip sooner than later. Anyways, why am I mentioning this? Well, when we visited Rome, I was lucky enough to strongarm several family members into visiting “Profondo Rosso,” which is a hidden gem of a memorabilia store owned by famed Italian director Dario Argento. It’s an extremely cool place to peruse if you’re even remotely into horror, science fiction, or just popular culture that’s a bit too “odd” for most people. Plus, the basement contains a number of props from Argento’s pictures! Anyways, I just wanted to gush for a bit before we talk about a few films that I’ve never seen until this year (all of which hail from, well, Italy).

 

Inferno is a thematic and spiritual successor to Dario’s breakthrough masterpiece Suspiria, and it seems to have always been stuck in a weird spot between that flick and 1982’s impressive bloodbath known as Tenebre. It is the second installment in what the director has dubbed his “Three Mothers” trilogy (1977’s Suspiria is the first, 2007’s Mother of Tears is the third). Each one deals with a titular “mother” determined to rule the world while using powerful dark magic to eliminate anyone who would stand in their way. The plot has us following several characters, two of whom have taken interest in a strange book titled The Three Mothers, which tells of three evil sisters who would conquer all with sadness, tears, and darkness. When one of the main characters goes missing, their brother comes to New York City to investigate. That is about the easiest way to describe the plot to Inferno, because while I did find it to be an overall very enjoyable watch, it is a messier product than most of Argento’s other works from the 1970s and beyond. There is a strong insistence on killing newly introduced characters WAY too quickly (including longtime Argento collaborator Daria Nicolodi), and the final act feels a bit silly in spots. Still, much like most releases in the giallo genre, it is a beautiful film to look at and has style oozing out of every pore. There are some legitimately spooky moments throughout (in particular, an underwater swimming scene that I suspect must have been incredibly stressful to film) and some expectedly wicked and dastardly kills that while not as extravagant as those seen in the likes of Tenebre, Opera, or Deep Red, are still quite the sight to behold (cat lovers beware of one scene though). Surprisingly, longtime Argento collaborators and music composers Goblin are absent from Inferno’s soundtrack, with the director choosing noteworthy progressive rock musician Keith Emerson (of Emerson, Lake & Palmer) to compose the score. Reportedly, he wanted something different this time around so as to keep this feeling separate from Suspiria. I must admit that the bombastic and proto-symphonic metal “Mater Tenebrarum” is undeniably AWESOME, but the rest of the score is a real mixed bag or too chaotic for something that’s considerably toned down compared to this director’s other efforts.

 

It's far from Dario Argento’s best work, but despite it being a bit messy, Inferno is still a wonderfully weird 80s gem that should do quite well with fans of more supernatural-based horror flicks and with those looking to get into horror pictures from across the pond. I don’t plan on finishing the “Three Mothers” trilogy this year, but perhaps it could make the list next time. Unless we’re all dead by this time next year. That’s always a possibility.

 

 

 

 

 

When it comes to expressing my feelings on 1981’s Italian exploitation flick Cannibal Ferox (known as Make Them Die Slowly in the west), I feel as though Google Translate is the best way to sum it up: “Se ti rende felice, allora sono felice per te.” Nearly every time I’ve been recommended adding a picture from the “cannibal” subgenre of horror to my queue and/or Unseen Terror rough drafts, it usually results in massive disappointment, if not outright frustration. Occasionally I’ll discover a pleasant surprise such as Ravenous or Bone Tomahawk (though the latter’s classification is tenuous at best), but usually it matters not if your project is grimy or glossy; I just don’t vibe with them. I was hoping that perhaps in the wake of the genre’s most notorious release (the prior year’s infamous Cannibal Holocaust), rival filmmakers would have some sense of morality and try not to repeat some of the ghastly acts from years prior. I was an idiot to think such a thing would happen.

 

While a lot more straightforward than director Ruggero Deodado’s Cannibal Holocaust, writer/director Umberto Lenzi’s Cannibal Ferox is also pretty icky in its own right, but also just flatout badly made. For all of the disdain I have for Deodado’s flick, I’ll give it credit for being a better structured picture as a whole and helping to introduce the concept of “found footage” to the general public before most other movies did decades later. Ferox though? Well, its plot is significantly less interesting (a very dumb skeptic drags two friends with her to Colombia to prove that cannibalism is a myth. Things don’t go well) and it has these extremely jarring and quite frankly irritating cuts back to the states while our “heroes” are in peril on another continent. It disrupts the mood and forces you to also watch some horribly sexist and violent scenes towards women. When we’re back to Colombia, we bear witness to something that Ferox has in common with Holocaust, which is a bunch of real, on-screen animal killings. I have now seen two films with live turtle dismemberment, and that is two films too many. I know I might sound like a hypocrite considering that I am an omnivore but filming real animal mauling and killings for the sake of making your movie feel more “intense” or for “art” is scummy behavior. Hell, supporting actor Giovanni Lombardo Radice refused to participate in the killing of a wild pig on camera (with them using a double to complete the scene) and went on record expressing his disgust for even being in the flick itself. There’s also extraordinarily poor dubbing (not completely uncommon in Italian horror), but it is unbelievably bad here. If you were to take a shot for how many times someone calls a woman a “twat,” you would be dead before the halfway mark. Still, I suppose I CAN give Cannibal Ferox credit for two particularly good things: it has a shockingly good score (more pulsating and groovier than the moody, eerie one heard in Cannibal Holocaust), and the special effects & gore are solid. Still, two rights do not make up for several wrongs, and when your wrongs just feel so repugnant, I can’t fully recommend your movie to anyone other than a very niche audience. I don’t expect to be revisiting this one again unless I’m paid to.

 

 

I’ve been meaning to get more into the cinematic works of famed Italian maestro Mario Bava for quite some time. While I’ve only ever seen Black Sunday and Black Sabbath, both of those are quite grand and when I heard that his 1964 effort Blood and Black Lace is one of the earliest entries in the giallo genre (this + Bava’s prior effort The Girl Who Knew Too Much are considered to be the first two flicks in the genre as a whole), I knew I had to watch it before I leave this mortal coil. Besides, after the taste that Cannibal Ferox left in my mouth, something had to be done.

 

The plot concerns a series of brutal murders of a fashion house’s beauty models, all of whom seem to be the victim of a masked killer in search of a diary that contains unknown details and personal stories that the staff most likely don’t want revealed to the public. Mind you, that isn’t giving anything away about Blood and Black Lace’s overall story, but the picture goes into enough weird directions and feels slightly overstuffed with characters that I feel like it’s about as simple of a one that I could come up with. If I could describe this film in two simple words, it would be “visually sinister.” I’m always in amazement with what these kinds of movies back in the day could do with color palettes, as even with a more grounded and far less supernatural-based story, the contrast in visual tones makes the world in which this is set in feel otherworldly. How is it that directors from overseas manage to make you wonder how you see the color red so differently than you’ve seen in your entire life? What I’m trying to say is that Blood and Black Lace, despite being quite an old release, looks beautiful and better than a lot of bigger budget horror releases dumped into theaters by the likes of, say, Blumhouse. It’s also a decidedly nefarious flick; it obviously lacks the over-the-top imagery of future Italian horror filmmakers such as Dario Argento and Lucio Fulci, but this is still one hell of a mean movie. I felt so terrible for the actresses here, as their characters are just dealt the kind of punishment that I’m almost certain inspired future Western filmmakers in the genre and could make some 80s slashers take notes. Even in its quiet moments, Bava can instill a sense of dread in the viewer that leaves you morbidly curious for what could come about next. It’s so good that it almost makes you forget the strangely anticlimactic twist in its third act and how awkward some of the dubbing is (I’d personally love to track this down in its native language). Still, those are minor complaints about what I think is otherwise a solid movie.

 

 

If you have an appreciation for the genre and wish to expand your horizons in horror, give Blood and Black Lace a watch. There’s a reason why so many filmmakers (including Martin Scorsese!) have cited it as one of their absolute favorite pieces of cinema, with some even going so far as to pay homage to it in their own films. I don’t normally encourage this but pour yourself a glass of something classy like wine or McDonald’s Sprite and enjoy the ride. And if you find yourself in Rome, go hit up "Profondo Rosso." Tell them Ryan sent you. They don't know me, but it'll help boost my morale.

Unseen Terror 2024: Deceitful Art (Day 18)

Hey, sometimes I’m a sucker for a catchy title and an alarming poster.

 

Microwave Massacre from 1979 stars comedian Jackie Vernon (best known to people around my age and older as the voice of Frosty the Snowman from the Rankin/Bass specials) as a disgruntled construction worker who comes home one evening and in a drunken rage murders his shrew, nagging wife. When he wakes up the next morning, he has no memory of what occurred at nighttime, but to his horror discovers her corpse stuffed inside of their new, absurdly large microwave oven. After his initial shock wears off, he dismembers her body and stores it in foil wrap in the refrigerator. Not too long after that, he unintentionally takes some bites of his ex-wife’s hand, and yet again, his disgust subsides when he realizes that he quite likes the taste. Maybe there are even tastier morsels out there?

 

So, make no mistake about it; this is a remarkably trashy joint. When your movie opens by focusing on several closeups of a buxom woman walking down the street for no reason whatsoever, you know what you’ve signed up for. The movie’s whole style just screams “just go with it.” A lot of its humor falls flat, with there being a bit too much reliance on Vernon’s character just kind of talking to no one in particular (reportedly Rodney Dangerfield was considered for this role, but his asking price was too high). And despite its title, there really isn’t much in the way of, well, massacring. There’s a decent body count and some gross moments involving Vernon’s character sharing pieces of his “lunch” with co-workers, but the movie’s poster(s) gives the audience hope for something that just doesn’t quite come to fruition. All that being said, I was never bored during Microwave Massacre, and I found it to be a lot of fun. It’s a weirdly charming low budget oddity that could’ve been better in more capable hands, but it’s a short watch and not a terrible way to kill some time. I wouldn’t be upset if a remake was greenlit.

 

 

With all due respect to Microwave Massacre, I think they lost in the contest of “most eye-catching title and poster” here. I first became aware of the alarmingly titled Stuff Stephanie in the Incinerator at the annual Monster Mania convention held in Maryland, but for reasons I can’t quite recall I decided against buying a bootleg DVD of it. But now that I’m essentially a homebody who is mostly done with the “con” stuff, there’s no reason to continue waiting on this one. Plus, it’s distributed by the kings of trash Troma Entertainment. How can you go wrong? I mean guys, that poster is pretty out there.

 

Well, you can go wrong rather quickly when you remember one very simple fact: being distributed by Troma does not mean it was MADE by Troma. So, this movie is a lie. Calling it a horror film (much less a horror-comedy as it is usually tagged) is stretching it. There was more money spent on crafting its poster than there was on concocting a coherent and halfway decent picture. There are no incinerations and technically no deaths. If anything, I’d classify it as a cheap, boring, meta-thriller masquerading as a horror movie. It’s another “bored rich people want to do bad things to pass the time” type of project which we’ve already seen before. There are two or three major twists that take place during its running time that serve more to annoy the audience than to shock them. Its actual ending makes you wonder why in the world you just spent ninety minutes of your life left on this miserable planet watching something that basically trolled you. It’s akin to taking the Rorschach test only for them to just tell you that you’ve been literally staring at a picture of a circle the entire time and that the psychologists are just actors for hire. Worst of all is that it is criminally dull. I legitimately fast forwarded three or four times hoping that this flick would give me SOMETHING to be excited about, but it never happened. And the only time I stop any movie is when I need to use the bathroom or check on dinner.

 

This was legitimately one of the worst movies I’ve ever watched since I started doing this in 2011. I think Children of the Corn and FeatdotCom may have lost the title of “worst of 2024” for this year’s marathon. At least with Corn, you knew what you were getting, and they didn’t really lie to the audience. This though? Junk. Add it to the list of “great posters for terrible pictures” alongside stuff like The Bees, The Phantom Menace and Reptilicus.

Unseen Terror 2023: Wrap it Up Ryhan (Days 29-31)

Well, I hope everyone had the greatest of times during Halloween. No clever title for this final entry folks. Let's get these last three flicks knocked out while I'm still somewhat awake though.

Writer/director Brian de Palma is definitely no stranger to the marathon, but somehow his rock opera/horror-comedy hybrid Phantom of the Paradise had only been on my radar for about six years or so, as I would often confuse it with other similarly titled pictures or different projects outright. Still, once I took a glimpse at the Blu-Ray from the reliable Shout! Factory (specifically thanks to the managers at Rockville's Barnes & Noble location which I worked at for six years), I officially became determined to track this sucker down at some point while I was still breathing without having to spend an absurd amount of money. Hey, sometimes I'm just a cheapskate folks. *shrugs*

The plot to this oddball of a flick reads like a mixture of Phanom of the Opera and classic German tale Faust, and it follows a young naive singer-songwriter named Winslow (played by the late William Finley of Sisters fame) who is fooled by well-known music producer Swan (Paul Williams) into surrendering his works over to the far more established figure. Framed, jailed, and scarred (both mentally and physically), Winslow dons a new menacing persona that proceeds to terrorize Swan's newly opened concert hall, all the newly masked madman insists that his stolen music be performed by a younger, adored singer (Jessica Harper). The two come to an agreement of sorts but suffice to say things don't turn out how Winslow wants them to. I don't want to get too much further into plot details, because I believe approaching any motion picture as blind as possible is vital to enjoying it as much as you can.

I feel like it's been quite some time since I've been so unapologetically upfront about any flick that I've watched during an "Unseen Terror" marathon, but if there were ever such a thing as an instant buy, Phantom of the Paradise absolutely fits that description. I had such an unbelievably fun time with this, and I'm kicking myself for having slept on it for so bloody long. The cast is all fantastic, with Williams in particular proving why he's such a respected talent in the entertainment industry by not only playing a real arrogant jerk of a villain, but also scoring its undeniably catchy soundtrack. I've yet to explore much of actress Jessica Harper's non-Suspiria film roles (mostly due to laziness), but I had no earthly idea she was also a GREAT singer. Had the whole acting thing not worked out at all, she could have made a killing in the music industry. Finally, there's reliable Gerrit Graham (The Critic, Child's Play 2, TerrorVision) who plays a fabulously flamboyant glam rocker simply known as "Beef." He arguably steals the show every time he's on screen, and his inclusion not only exists to help move the story along, but to also serve as part of another great aspect of Phantom: its subtle takedown of the music industry and its shameless attempt at jumping on board of trends. Hell, look no further than the inclusion of Swan's own pet project known as "The Juicy Fruits," who undergo more than one genre transformation throughout its running time. Now that I think about it, perhaps that's the only minor complaint I have about this eccentric project: I wish it was longer.

I don't have much more to offer when it comes to gushing over Phantom of the Paradise. It's audacious, stylistic, loud, and very colorful. Most of all though, it's fun! This is the kind of movie that I wish Rocky Horror could have been (no disrespect to that crowd though), and it's a shame that people still sleep on it. Go find it however you can (I viewed mine on an on-demand cable TV channel) and just kick back.... for the hell out of it.

........Uh, you'll understand that if you've seen it. Sorry.

Before I type out the review for this bad boy, I'll just preface it by saying that I've only played the first Five Nights at Freddy's video game and while I don't think it's a bad game per se and it certainly has some nice atmosphere, it was a little too reliant on jump scares and too repetitive for my taste. Call me a boomer, but I'm more of a sucker for stuff like Resident Evil or the first-person Alien games. So, I'm approaching this mostly blind and with no great attachment to the source material. After the whole picture had wrapped up and the credits began to roll, I came to the realization that this was very much the definition of "not for me."

If you're unfamiliar with the Five Nights at Freddy's franchise, the core concept (at least in the first game) is that it's a first-person, point-and-click video game where you play a security guard who has taken on an overnight job at a rundown pizzeria. The main problem arises from having to survive each of those evenings while the homicidal animatronic creatures that roam the restaurant during afterhours try to murder you. Some gig huh? To be honest, with how expensive things have been getting as of late, I can't say that I wouldn't try for some sort of similar gig to pay my own bills. I mean, Dollar Tree is now $1.25 tree? Twenty dollars barely gets you half a tank of gas? But I digress.

Off the bat, I could tell that this was likely going to appeal almost exclusively to diehard fans and unlikely to sway casual, unfamiliar viewers over to its side. Plus, it wasn't too long ago that we got the eerily similar Willy's Wonderland with (a mostly silent) Nicolas Cage, which didn't exactly set the world on fire. Unlike that film though, there are a number of more recognizable faces this time around. The movie adaptation focuses primarily on Josh Hutcherson (The Hunger Games), who takes the aforementioned overnight job from a career counselor (Matthew Lillard of Scream and Scooby-Doo fame) to prevent social services from taking away his younger sister and placing her in the hands of her negligent, asshole aunt (Mary Stuart Masterson from Fried Green Tomatoes). Honestly, that's about the best description I can give considering how this is actually a bit messier than I expected it to be, and most of these characters are as interesting as dried milk. Yes, Hutcherson's character is sympathetic, but there are times where I feel like someone should've provided the poor fella with a cup of coffee. Aside from him, everyone just seems to be going through the motions or has very little to work with. I'll always treasure seeing Matthew Lillard on screen, but he's barely present until the very end (taking part in what was one of the silliest twists I've seen in quite some time). Whereas the human presence in the film is lacking, I did appreciate the work that Jim Henson's Creature Shop put into making some very accurate-looking animatronics. It's just too bad that they chose to spend so much of this film's running time on Hutcherson's frequent dream sequences instead, rather than the impressive practical effects. Oh well.

Five Nights at Freddy's is a little too boring and depends far too often on suffocating the viewers with a quick "boo!" gag as much as it can (so I guess it IS game accurate then). It gets to be very tiresome towards the end and I just didn't see anything that would be able to convince someone other than perhaps little kids to make a return to this universe. Then again, kids/preteens are the primary target audience here, and this could be a nice gateway to bigger and more established horror films for some of them (maybe their parents could lend them a VHS player with some fine gems from the 80s/90s for starters). Ultimately my opinion is just that of a small percentage of people who weren't wholly interested in watching this anyway, but I do see the appeal and do hope that it inspires a new generation to seek out some genuinely creepy stuff. As I said several paragraphs ago, it just wasn't my cup of tea, but I hope it makes its fans happy. Currently, it's streaming on Peacock and playing in whatever cinemas are left closest to you.

Ah, but what better way to finish October than with a motion picture where a VHS player is pivotal to its plot? Somehow, I had never seen Japan's highly influential Ring (or Ringu if you're going to be a real weeb) back when I was trying to seek out as many bizarre Japanese horror films as possible. Perhaps it was never available at the Suncoast Video stores I frequented. Perhaps it was because I favored the gorier side of things (a.k.a. the Takashi Miike stuff) rather than the slower, more atmospheric efforts. Regardless, I decided to finally take the plunge and check out Ring on Shudder and though I do wish I could have closed out October with something more in line with Halloween, I feel like this was a damn fine way to conclude this iteration of Unseen Terror.

I feel as though the concept of Ring and/or its American remake The Ring (also good in its own right) is fairly well known, but I'll give a CliffsNotes version anyway: a reporter investigates the mystery behind a supposedly cursed video tape which causes those who view it to die within seven days. The tales of this tape reach our protagonist Reiko, who takes a particular interest to this rumor when she hears of her niece mysteriously passing away after watching it. Teaming with her ex-husband Ryuji, the two dig around to discover its origins and to find out if there's a way to break this purported curse. Though only a mere twenty-five years old, it's still pretty astonishing to see how much of Ring has been lifted or copied by other motion pictures over the decades (for better or worse). Few could hope to reach this level of creepiness though.

There is so much to appreciate here. The film establishes what it is right out of the gate, yet after its initial, shocking opening, it turns into a very slow burn more akin to that of a mystery than an outright horror film (I understand that this is also the case with the book it's based on). It eases you into its bleak universe, which despite being set in the real world, still feels distinctly "alien." Our protagonists are written very well and are quite sympathetic, which adds to the sense of fear whenever you see the flick's "time clock" pop up on screen every now and then. Ring's most impressive aspect is arguably its atmosphere. It looks far dirtier than I expected it to be, and much smaller in scope. When we finally get a glimpse of the film's most notorious...erm, aspect (a.k.a. one of the first images you're likely to see when Googling Ringu), it's no surprise they turned out the way that they are. It's a terribly depressing world, and only adds to the creepy vibe scattered throughout. I also noticed quite a bit of double meaning in its title and dialogue, but that would be giving away some major plot spoilers so I will only address that with people who are indifferent to reveals.

Honestly, what can I say about Ring/Ringu that assorted video essayists haven't already said themselves? It's a tense, slow burn whose impact is still being felt in the horror genre to this day, and I'm hoping that despite its age, it will still garner some new viewers as often as it can. I'm very happy to put one more stamp on my "J-Horror" card that was long overdue, and perhaps I'll finally be able to seek out Ju-On: The Grudge now as well. Ring is streaming on services such as Shudder and Tubi, with a loaded Blu-Ray from Arrow Video out there for purchase as well.

And with that..........we are done. Sort of. Come back in a couple of days or so if you're interested, because I may have some quick notes and extra tidbits about what didn't make the list (and why), what to expect in the future (if anything), and more. Stay spooky.

Unseen Terror 2022: Day 1

Well, I can't say I expected to be doing this again. As I stated on various social media platforms last year (okay, just Facebook and Twitter), I was very burned out and lacked the necessary focus and honest-to-Lemmy passion to do an Unseen Terror marathon in 2021. I did a little bit of researching and I'd theorize that anhedonia had something to do with it. That, and an incredible amount of stress stemming from both jobs I had at the time and a feeling that it just wasn't worth putting in any effort to continue with a crummy little blog that I barely update outside of October. Thankfully time has passed, and though I am down one job (which was by choice and done for the sake of improving my mental heatlh), I do feel like things are on the upswing. Thus, I would like to welcome the return of said crummy little blog and my yearly journey to watch 31 new horror (or at least horror-adjacent) motion pictures throughout the month of October. I began this hellacious (though admittedly entertaining) process back in 2011. With that much amount of time having gone by, what the hell else is out there that is left for me to discover?

As it turns out, there is a rather large abundance of "important" films in the genre that I could've sworn I had seen but had yet to see in their entirety. Ironically enough though, when it came to finally sitting down and watching 1979's The Amityville Horror, perhaps I had seen this already without actually having done so. I'm not entirely sure a plot synopsis is necessary since this story that serves as the primary inspiration for director Stuart Rosenberg's (of Cool Hand Luke fame) twelfth full-length feature is a rather infamous one within the realm of morbid and/or "spooky" tales. I suppose that if I had to give a Cliffsnotes version though, it would be the following: a married couple (played by James Brolin and Margot Kidder) and their children move into a house where unbeknownst to them a grisly murder took place the year prior. Within a short amount of time, peculiar and horrible things start to occur to any and all individuals affiliated with their new home.

An all-too familiar and frequently referenced plot aside, there are a great deal of positives that lift this film a bit higher than some of its modern contemporaries. The late Margot Kidder is friggin' great (and absolutely gorgeous) and manages to convey genuine terror every time she is ever put in a perilous situation. James Brolin does most of his acting through a lot of grimacing but it's certainly memorable. A large part of the supporting cast lean too much into the hammy side in their approaches to their characters, with Rod Steiger giving a rather "loud" (albeit fun as shit) performance as a priest seemingly cursed by the home after attempting to bless it within the first ten or so minutes of its surprisingly long running time. It isn't going to be for everyone, but I had the biggest shit-eating grin on my face every time that he stepped in front of the camera. He seems to have the absolute worst luck of any human being that I've seen in quite a while, and he just decides to turn it up to eleven at any possible opportunity.

Alas I can't discard the largest flaw that The Amityville Horror suffers from: you don't realize just how much has been lifted from it over the course of forty years and (through no fault of the flick itself) it feels pretty dated and predictable. Hell, just off of the top of my head, I can recall the very first episode of The Simpsons' "Treehouse of Horror" and how it referenced the bleeding walls and the abode itself yelling at the family to leave the premises. The idea of a family living in a cursed home on soiled ground was also explored a mere three years afterwards in Tobe Hooper's far superior Poltergeist. I also feel as though they just didn't seem to attempt any sort of proper wrap-up and the movie ends on a bit of a wet fart. Yes, I am fully aware of the whole "based on a true story" schtick, but still. Sometimes taking liberties can lead to a stronger experience and one that is more fondly remembered.

My nitpicking aside, I did find myself having a thoroughly fun time finally watching this unexpectedly influential flick. At the time of this writing, The Amityville Horror is streaming on Amazon Prime (so long as you have the Starz add-on) and a 4K Blu-Ray release from the rather awesome Vinegar Syndrome is right around the corner. If you've got a couple of hours to kill and like seeing where the seeds are sewn for other, better pictures over the decades to follow, check it out.

And before you ask, no. I am NOT doing this entire goddamn series. I almost lost my marbles going through the entire Texas Chainsaw series two years ago and have zero desire to do such a thing again (though The Amityville Karen does sound fascinatingly atrocious).

Side note: since the time of those reviews, there has been one more addition to the aforementioned Leatherface-centered franchise and while I can say it's not as terrible as Texas Chainsaw 3D, it still stinks beyond belief. 

Tomorrow, we jump forward to the present for a long-awaited sequel to an October classic that has developed a stronger fanbase than you or I could've ever imagined!

Unseen Terror 2020: Day 7

Why yes, I did indeed choose to watch a motion picture from the late 1970s about a killer, sentient (possibly possessed) vehicle rather than watch the Vice Presidential debate. Are you that surprised?

Due to some unfortunate technical issues, there had to be some random, last minute shuffling of entries for this year's marathon. This isn't something that's uncommon, but seeing as how this decision was made within say, the last four hours, it's still a tad bit irritating to have to do something like this (especially since I do NOT want to spread the entire Texas Chainsaw Massacre franchise throughout the whole month. I'd rather get it done within the first half). Complaints aside, my familiarity with 1977's The Car was only having heard of it via a few random podcasts or YouTube channels. I had never seen anything more than a still image or two, and even then it didn't give me any idea of what to expect other than zaniness or maybe a more subdued version of Maximum Overdrive.

To the surprise of nobody with a working brain, The Car is absolutely, ludicrously dumb. But my goodness is it the right kind of dumb. For as much joy as a couple of the prior entries on this list have brought me, this gave me genuine laughs and had me howling during moments which were no doubt meant to elicit fear rather than chuckles. I haven't made much of an attempt to track down interviews with director Elliot Silverstein (also of Western-comedy Cat Ballou fame) but it wouldn't shock me if he was setting out to make a tongue-in-cheek parody of the wave of "blockbuster" flicks that were becoming the rage during that time period. The Car does have some of the same beats as Jaws and another Spielberg flick Duel, though it lacks some of the finesse of the latter and definitely lacks the budget of the former. This doesn't hamper the enjoyment though!

The acting is pretty hit-or-miss (I would love to know how they roped poor James Brolin into this flick), but the characters are all fairly likable and easy to root for (save for R.G. Armstrong, who they seem intent on brushing aside the fact that his character regularly hits his wife). The star of the picture though is, of course, the titular car. Bearing an unusual likeness to something lifted right out of the "Twisted Metal" games (and humorously "The Honking" from Futurama), it has an undeniably threatening aura to it. As cheesy as this movie may be, all I ask is that you utilize Google image search and visualize something like that chasing you down an open highway. Or see it "staring" at you through your kitchen window. It's no Christine, but it's still pretty darn cool-looking. The moments of vehicular manslaughter aren't nearly as violent as viewers will likely want them to be, but I'd guess that the lower budget and time when it was released are to blame for that. We DO get to see it burst through a house like a god damn slasher villain however, and that is just *chef's kiss*.

I think it's a real bummer that something as enjoyable as The Car was released to a streaming service like Netflix during a global pandemic, as this is a PERFECT in-house party movie. Gathering up a round of beers, pizza, chips, salsa, crystal meth, whatever it is you kids do these days and firing up this bad boy would make for a wonderful experience with your friends. Even still, if you just sit back, relax, turn your brain off for about ninety minutes, and let the dumb fun of The Car take you into its world, you're likely to have a lot of fun with this one.

And if you doubt how "evil" it truly is, you should know that Anton Lavey himself has a credit on this as a "technical advisor." Seriously.

Unseen Terror 2020: Day 1 (+ a 2019 capper)

Ten years.

Jesus christ.

I honestly did not expect to keep this silly thing going for this long of a time period. I started this (now) yearly tradition just for fun and in hopes that I could expand my list of favorite pieces of cinema. With the amount of time that has seemingly flown by, I can attest to that becoming a reality, but I also wonder why the hell I even bother to do this anymore. My love for horror has never waned, but I've kind of lost my passion for even bothering to maintain a blog that I only seem to update every year or so (especially now that letterboxd exists and I can connect with more people over there). But hell, I might as well give this at least one more go.

Oh, and for those who don't follow me on Facebook and give a damn about what I thought of my final batch of films from last year's marathon, they are:

The Exorcist III- It's a shame that this picture had the name of "The Exorcist" slapped onto it, as it initially had fuck-all to do with that classic film. Flawed and somewhat messy as this might be, it's still worth a watch for the great performances (Brad Dourif in particular) and one hell of a great jump scare.

Puppet Master: The Littlest Reich- I'll be the first to admit that I don't have the same admiration for this franchise as others do. The original film is ridiculously slow, and arguably the highlight of this series is when they decided to start killing Nazis in the third entry. This serves as a soft reboot and unlike the aforementioned films, the dolls are the creations OF a Nazi war criminal that start killing people at a hotel. It's nice to see Thomas Lennon of Reno 911! fame in a starring role and I'm always down for anything featuring Barbara Crampton (Re-Animator, From Beyond), but outside of some pretty outrageous blood and guts, it's just kind of...there. It also could not have been released during a more uncomfortable climate than now.

The Hills Have Eyes Part II- An utter abomination that even Wes Craven himself has denounced and trashed. There is far too much stock footage being used, and even the dog from the first film has its own flashback sequences. Do not waste your time.

Asylum- This British anthology was one of the best surprises from last year, and one that I am genuinely bummed that I can't talk about more. The plot revolves around a young psychiatrist who while interviewing for a position at a mental asylum, undergoes a test which has him talk to four different inmates. The catch is that one of these individuals is the former head of the asylum, and in order to secure this job he must determine who it is. While not a very grisly picture at all, this is still a fascinating and wonderful slow burn that features a DAMN fine list of performers (Peter Cushing and Charlotte Rampling are immediately recognizable). Seek this one out if you're in the mood for some underrated 70s gems.

Monster House- I'm always down for a good horror movie for younger generations, especially if it's about a sentient haunted house that eats living creatures. This one had been recommended to me by quite a few people and I can see why. Outside of some very janky and dated animation and some pretty dumb potty humor, it's very dark for a film that is primarily catered to children. If you like kids' movies that don't treat them like idiots and have about $5 to spare, you can snag this bad boy real cheap.

Hocus Pocus- I cheated with this one, as I had not seen this in its entirety since I was very young. Because of that, I don't have anything to add that you don't already know. I do think that without Bette Midler this wouldn't work nearly as well as it does, but maybe that's just me. Also, Sarah Jessica Parker is uber BAE in this film. Don't @ me you punks.

Black Christmas- Yet another one I regret waiting on to finally watch. It's one of the slasher genre's grandparents, and while it is slow, it's so masterfully done. The characters are great, the kills are unnerving (and not very bloody either), and the whole thing just has this underlying sense of dread. It still surprises me that this came from the mind of the man who gave us A Christmas Story. Perhaps those exist in the same universe?

Anyway, let's fast forward to 2020's marathon now. I assure you that the first entry will elicit a response akin to that of "Dude. How have you not seen this until now?!"

Look, I know. I KNOW OKAY. I legitimately had never seen 1974's The Texas Chainsaw Massacre in its entirety until this year. I have no valid excuse for this either, especially when you consider how influential and important it is to the genre. It's the horror equivalent to never having seen E.T. or Close Encounters of the Third Kind and calling yourself a fan of Science Fiction. Along with motion pictures like Psycho, this helped birth the slasher genre and set up the idea that horror cinema can also be used as great social commentary. Beneath the surface of what appears to be a simple "kids get terrorized and dispatched by crazies" story is a very fascinating encapsulation of everything going on during the time period and what feels like a very rude awakening to the "flower children" of the 1960s.

The plot is very basic: Sally Hardesty, her brother Franklin, and their friends are driving on their way to visit her grandfather's grave (which they suspect has been vandalized or desecrated). Along the way, they have very strange interactions with a couple of peculiar characters, which eventually leads them to a seemingly abandoned house. Without going too far into spoiler territory, let's just say that there's a reason for the film having such a grim-sounding name.

One thing that immediately hit me after I pressed play was how incredibly filthy TCM looks. The picture is shot in a way that almost makes you feel as though you're watching something your friend discovered as a "forbidden" tape. I can only imagine how uncomfortable audiences back in the day must have felt when they first saw this on the big screen (kudos to those behind the scenes who managed to trick some audiences into thinking this was all based on a true story). The awkward moments of silence that precede some of the killings only add to the atmosphere and make you feel as though you've traveled to an undiscovered part of the country that's ripe with the kind of horrific violence that you blissfully ignored throughout your precious little life. This is somewhat ironic when you take into account how most of TCM's gore is more imagined than actually shown. Leatherface, who I feel STILL does not get enough love from genre fans, does absolutely brutal things to our protagonists, but most of it is played out in your mind and never actually shown (John Carpenter would do something similar with Halloween several years later). It also parallels what happens in slaughterhouses, which is fitting considering what we discover later on about the villains, and if you pay close enough attention, there is an assortment of pig squeals and unnerving sound effects peppered in during some of the movie's more intense moments. I don't know if it will convince you to go vegetarian, but there is a small chance that you may reconsider eating pork again after the credits roll.

More noted horror historians have studied The Texas Chainsaw Massacre better than I could ever hope to, but I am so happy that I finally watched this. It's an outstanding, uncomfortable, and vital piece for not just the horror genre, but pop culture overall. I look forward to revisiting this several times and pulling more and more from it after every watch. As of this writing, you can view it on Shudder, though it is also very easy to buy physical copies online.

Unseen Terror 2019: Day 14

"You're doing what? Are you mad? You mean you want us to conduct peace negotiations with bugs?!"



The Bees, a 1978 flick about (what else?) killer Africanized honey bees wreaking havoc, checks several boxes for this year's Unseen Terror marathon: it's a "natural" horror movie, it's a blind buy from Monster Mania Con, and it's a Vinegar Syndrome release. The latter is perhaps the most noteworthy thing about the flick, because I'm starting to realize just how good their marketing department is. They have an astonishing catalog full of feature-length films that run the gamut from horror to vintage erotica. They also do a great job with restoring a lot of these rather obscure releases to make them look better than even the filmmakers behind said movies ever thought they could. They also have a tendency to pick up a LOT of rubbish, and while they can strike gold once in a while by nabbing stuff like Christmas Evil, Lust in the Dust (both acquired at different Monster Manias), and Hell Comes to Frogtown, but if you peruse their list of titles on their website.....well, as they say, different strokes for different folks.

The most interesting aspects to The Bees are firstly the cast, with acting greats John Saxon (A Nightmare on Elm Street, Enter the Dragon) and the late, great John Carradine being instantly recognizable. The latter in particular is sporting a rather goofy German(?) accent which makes him sound like the long lost brother of the fella who used to do the narrations for Disney's nature documentaries of the 1950s. Saxon makes for a reasonably decent hero, but man does his romance with costar Angel Tompkins feel so unbelievably awkward. I've never felt so weirded out watching a straight couple make out. The other interesting tidbit about The Bees is the fact that it was released during the same year as the next big Irwin Allen (of The Towering Inferno and The Poseidon Adventure fame) picture: the often-maligned The Swarm. That particular movie also deals with people being terrorized by killer bees, but it ended up beating The Bees to the box office after Warner Bros. paid distributor New World Pictures to push back the release date. Kind of a crappy move, but I'm not terribly surprised that New World mastermind Roger Corman let that happen.


I have yet to sit down and watch The Swarm though, so I won't have much of a chance to make many comparisons between these two pictures. What struck me the most after The Bees had ended was how it's on the verge of being a "so bad it's good" flick, but it never quite reaches that status. For every unintentional laugh that it delivers, it also ends up being far more boring than ANY feature with murderous insects in it should be. It starts off as a hilariously terrible, campy mess, with wacky jazz and disco beats that pop in and out of the soundtrack while people run around freaking out like Kermit the Frog if he was stuck in the "beehive tetherball" scene from Jackass 3. But that's about the gist of every sequence involving the bee attacks, and save for some ludicrous "kitchen sink" moments during the final twenty-or-so minutes, nothing really changes or shocks. If you're searching for violent deaths, you might be disappointed. Director Alfredo Zacarias, who was brought on to replace original writer/director Jack Hill (Coffy, Spider Baby), was reportedly not a big fan of gory cinema, and felt like the idea of them crawling into every hole and orifice or dying from asphyxiation was scarier than just seeing a gratuitous bloodbath. While I can see where he's coming from, it does make a large chunk of The Bees feel like it's just dragging on with nothing overtly memorable occurring until the aforementioned final act. Your sanity starts to slip when nothing interesting is happening on screen, especially when you hear a constant buzzing noise that leads to zilch.

Speaking of sanity, I guess I'll get to my final thoughts: if you gather enough friends who can provide liquid courage or at least help fill the room with uproarious laughter, then you could have a very fun time with The Bees (watching it alone and being stone cold sober can be a chore). It's a decent accompanying piece to last year's entry The Corpse Grinders (also released by Vinegar Syndrome), and full of just the right amount of stupid schlock to keep you from (mostly) falling asleep. And despite some of the complaints that I had in the first paragraph, the Blu-Ray from Vinegar Syndrome sure looks nice, even if it's a relatively bare bones release. In fact, the only extras consist of the trailer and a video interview with director Alfredo Zacarias, who despite not having a particularly memorable career, comes across as a genuinely good guy who has nothing but nice things to say about his cast and crew, while also going out of his way to mention things such as swearing that he would be responsible for a very sick John Carradine (who was finding it hard to get work around this time) should anything happen during production, and that John Saxon was a consummate professional who helped him get through any mental obstacles that were dragging him down. Sweet.

Tomorrow, we're stepping away from this possible prequel to My Girl and going back to the home of good old-fashioned blood and guts: Italy!