Unseen Terror 2024: Spooky Title of Your Choosing (Day 31)

Well, it’s the end of the month. Time for the final batch of flicks. Hope everyone’s Halloween has been fun. Maybe next year I'll actually venture out into the world again.

I wasn’t planning on having 1984’s Don’t Open Till Christmas as the closer for 2024’s iteration of Unseen Terror, but I figured it could be a fitting note to end on considering that when the clock strikes midnight, the slumbering beast known as Mariah Carey will emerge and terrorize the world for the next couple of months. Plus, I don’t really have a strong desire to end my marathon with an Eli Roth flick like Thanksgiving. Anyways, this is the first "traditional" slasher movie that I’ve seen in recent memory to NOT take place in or come from North America. It’s a simple story of authorities pursuing a mysterious figure who’s been killing off Santa impersonators in London during Christmastime. The first thing that must be noted about Don’t Open Till Christmas is how much of a nightmare it was behind the scenes to complete and release the movie. First, its main actor/director Edmund Purdom quit after constant conflicts with producers (which led to delays and rescheduling while shooting). Afterwards, the movie’s co-writer Derek Ford was hired to take over and complete the picture…only to be relieved after two measly days on the job. After THAT, editor Ray Selfie was hired to direct, and they demanded that most of the script be rewritten by another individual. Because of the previously mentioned Purdom leaving the production, they also asked that much of the movie be re-shot. Many characters had to be recast as well due to some of the original performers being unavailable to return at the time. Eventually, Purdom came back to finish directing and complete his on-screen scenes.

 

You got all of that?

 

The result is a slasher flick that feels extremely awkward, though still admittedly entertaining. The influence from the Italian giallo scene is very noticeable in some of its color palette (very bright red blood for example) and there are some very sudden outbursts of extreme violence that feel slightly like the material seen in Pieces (both coincidentally produced by Dick Randall). That’s another hyperviolent release from the mid-80s that I’ve previously reviewed, but Pieces is a lot more competent and unapologetic for what it is. Also, Pieces wouldn’t have wasted casting genre favorite Caroline Munro (famously known for roles in Maniac, The Golden Voyage of Sinbad, The Spy Who Loved Me, and MANY hammer horror flicks) in a two-minute-long cameo that ultimately serves no purpose other than to make her scream at the sight of a dead body. At least Munro understood the assignment given out here though; most of this cast is eerily calm about seeing horrific murders committed in front of their eyes. Hell, one of the picture’s first slayings is seeing someone get a spear shot through their head IN FRONT OF PEOPLE AT A PARTY, and only one person seems genuinely shocked or horrified. Maybe this is a British thing? Maybe I’m just being too anal about these kinds of flicks.

 

Don’t Open Till Christmas is like that person you randomly see at a bar who can’t quite hit the bullseye on the dart board, but still manages to elicit an “ah, at least you tried man” from the patrons. It’s just too clumsy to warrant a strong recommendation but compared to some of the other material I’ve viewed this month, it’s far from a complete disaster. If you aren’t in the mood to rewatch the vastly superior “holiday horror” pictures such as Christmas Evil, Silent Night, Deadly Night, or even Gremlins for the umpteenth time, then I suppose you could fire this up.

 

 

 And now we move on to…………. something else.

 

The nicest thing I can say about A Haunted House, a 2013 parody of the “found footage” genre, is that it could’ve been far worse than it is. At this point I don’t think it’s controversial to say that any of the Wayans Brothers’ best days are behind them and that post-Scary Movie, the parody genre has more-or-less become the “reference” genre. Yes, we get lucky with gems like Pop Star, Hot Fuzz, Weird: The Al Yankovic Story, and Black Dynamite from time to time, but for the most part it has become dreadful. The funniest part of A Haunted House had to do with an audio review from the now defunct spill.com (which I’ll link to right here. I'd advise starting at the 9-minute mark). I breathed a short sigh of relief when J.B. Smoove and David Koechner showed up because lord knows once I saw Nick Swardson on screen, I almost instantly knew that this movie was doomed. Hard pass on this one. I am not looking forward to Scary Movie 6.

 

To quote the immortal Cypress Hill, however, “I ain’t going out like that.” I had to end on a high note.

 

So, I re-watched Tremors. Again.

 

Hey, there’s nothing wrong with a “comfort” watch. Plus, I’d rather have October end on an exciting note about giant, underground worms battling Kevin Bacon & Fred Ward than one where Marlon Wayans takes a dump on his wife’s father’s ashes.

 

Not sure what I can say about Tremors that I already haven’t said either online or in person. It’s a perfect monster movie. It’s a perfect horror-comedy. It’s the right kind of exhilaration packed with memorable characters, endlessly quotable lines, and practical effects that could put most things from modern day “monster” movies to shame. It’s….perfection.

 

Nevada.

 

 

…………………I’m not apologizing for that joke.

 

Anyways, stay tuned because I may be back in the next couple of days to talk about what the future holds for this yearly blog-o-thon thing that I do for fun.

Unseen Terror 2024: I'd Like to Stop Coughing Please (Days 12-15)

I’m still sick. I’m so tired of dry coughing (with the occasional bit o’ mucus). That type of stuff tends to suck your energy out. Anyways, let’s get these over with.

 

When assembling this year’s list, adding 2024’s Imaginary was more out of morbid curiosity than anything else. It’s reportedly maintained a firm position on many fans’ “worst of 2024” lists, even though we still have 2.5 months left in the year. After sitting through it myself, I can absolutely see why. The movie centers around a women returning to a childhood home  and her stepdaughter forms a bond with a stuffed bear named “Chauncey” that she finds in the house, and it becomes her close imaginary friend. Shockingly, things don’t go well, and it turns out maybe there’s some nefarious stuff going on with and/or around the bear. Imaginary is a Blumhouse “FUCK YOU, IT’S JANUARY” movie (only this came out in March instead). The dialogue feels like something out of a first draft script, and nobody bothered to tweak anything to make it remotely scary or create any likeable characters (side note: stop writing kids as idiots in horror movies. Save that for when they become delirious teenagers, because it’s slightly more realistic). There is a twist around the midway point that had me groaning through my coughing (along with perhaps the most hilariously stupid line ever uttered by a fictional child therapist) and turned it from a poor man’s Child’s Play rip-off to a poor man’s “every supernatural-based movie” rip-off. The worst sin of them all is that the whole experience is shockingly boring, but given writer/director Jeff Wadlow’s track record, perhaps my faith was misguided.

 

I just want to end that mini-review by stating that I don’t hate Blumhouse Productions at all. When they manage to hit a home run, it’s goddamn great. But when they misfire? Well, it’s uuuuuugggglllyyy. I would like an explanation as to why they chose to have this released to theaters, but previously chose to dump another one of their flicks (the more audience-friendly and joyous Totally Killer) straight-to-streaming instead. Come on guys, what are we doing here?

 

 

Spirit Halloween: The Movie is exactly what I thought it would be: preteens trapped inside of a haunted retail store that basically serves as a gigantic advertisement for the seasonal store chain that seems to pop up in the darnedest places every September. Look, I’m definitely not the target audience for this, but I suppose that if you have young kids who refuse to watch any other “family friendly” horror films pre-2000 (which c’mon, at least try Hocus Pocus or even The Monster Squad if you’re feeling gutsy), then you could throw this on. Otherwise, you’re better off just walking into an actual Spirit store and exploring the products yourself. Very cheeky (if not kind of sad) that this “kids stuck in a haunted house” take is filmed inside of what appeared to be a defunct Toys R Us though. Also, Christopher Lloyd is here. Good to see him still working after the catastrophic picture that was Foodfight!

 

I was a little surprised (and disappointed) to find that 2013’s horror anthology All Hallows Eve is mostly just repurposed and reused footage from director Damien Leone’s shorts that originally introduced modern day slasher Art the Clown to the world of mainstream horror. I also didn’t realize that Art was never portrayed by the same performer for every on-screen appearance he’s had. From what I understand, the original actor Mike Giannelli just wasn’t a fan of the lengthy makeup process that it takes to create the villain, so he chose not to return and has essentially all but retired from acting (though reportedly remains on good terms with Leone & co.). Anyways, the story focuses on a babysitter and two kids who have returned from trick-or-treating with an unmarked VHS tape in their bag. The babysitter puts it on, and we’re subjected to three stories (all of which involve Art the Clown in some way). The first segment is a nonsensical mess that includes a woman being sexually assaulted by a person in a bad-looking Satan costume and another one having their unborn child cut out of their stomach by witches. Sounds nastier than it is, but it’s mostly clunky. The second is a home invasion story with a new homeowner being terrorized by an alien that likely got its entire wardrobe from Party City. The third (and arguably the best) of the segments is the closest one you’re going to get to an actual Terrifier story because it literally IS the original Terrifier short from 2011. It has some nice gore and makeup, but that’s about it. This short’s version of Art seems to be more of an incel too. The whole flick wraps up with a cute “fourth wall break” of a finale, but I’d say that this is only for Leone and/or Art completists.

 

Day 15’s film is technically cheating but considering that you can log the entire shebang on letterboxd (and it ultimately amounts to around 85-90 minutes), I’m throwing it on here anyway. Plus, any chance that I get to finally track down something that eluded me as a teenager is always a pleasure. 1999’s Pet Shop of Horrors is a 4-episode adaptation of the cult favorite manga from the mid-1990s.  It’s specifically what is classified as a “Josei” manga, which essentially means its target audience is adult women (though not exclusively). The stories tend to be a bit more mature, with romance and even horror taking a nice seat up front. Enter Pet Shop of Horrors, a horror anthology that I became aware of upon its initial release date in the U.S. but was never able to obtain for assorted reasons. (a.k.a. I didn’t have enough friends at the time who were also into horror). It’s an anthology story focusing on an eccentric proprietor named “Count D,” and his strange pet shop located in Chinatown, California. Sure, the stylish and soft-spoken D sells your normal birds, cats, and dogs, but for anyone with more “pressing needs” who desires an animal, there are special exceptions. Some of these pets may even appear human, but any interested parties MUST follow the very strict rules applied to said acquisitions. After all, if any are broken, the shop and its owner are not responsible for what happens. The stories range from deranged to tragic, and every episode has involvement by esteemed veterans in the anime field (Ninja Scroll creator Yoshiaki Kawajiri does the storyboard for standout segment “Despair”). Though there is some bloodshed here and there, there’s no over-the-top gore or anything of that nature. It’s just a lot of supernatural weirdness coated with sins and desires. It’s like Tales from the Crypt with a dash of The Twilight Zone and “hosted” by an androgynous shop owner with a sweet tooth for human curiosities (and chocolate!). There’s a fun overlapping story with a cop named Leon who’s been paying close attention to all the strange deaths across the city and his relationship with Count D almost recalls something from the likes of Thomas Harris novels (though in that case we know Harris’ antagonists are killers, whereas D is just…well, a person who sells animals). I haven’t read the Pet Shop of Horrors manga, but I’m quite curious to see how this would have developed over time.

 

If you have an open mind and a taste for horror anime, go watch this however you can. Be forewarned though: the dub for PSoH is TERRIBLE. I’ve defended the usage of dubbing when it comes to anime, but the misunderstanding of this source material means that we get a lot of oafish and loud deliveries, and it changes the eerie nature of the whole thing into something resembling a ‘B’ movie. Just baffling. Maybe just shill out a few bucks for the dual-language DVD or Blu-Ray instead. Or, if we're lucky enough, perhaps we'll see a new, updated remake like we've seen for old anime/manga like Ranma 1/2.

Unseen Terror 2024: Online Heebie Jeebies (Days 8-10)

You’ll have to forgive me for getting this batch of films out so late. I suspect that after my trashing of the last “Treehouse of Horror” segment, someone from Fox may have placed a curse on me because I’ve been quite sick over the past few days. Anyways, let’s get this out of the way. The theme over these last 72 hours has been one fear that I’m sure will never fully dissipate: the fear of the internet. What good comes from the world wide web also brings about some heinous stuff. For every compilation of cute cat videos or “bad lip readings” you’ll find, you stumble upon people spewing forth evil and dangerous viewpoints and worshipping the most depraved people on the planet. Of course, there’s also the vile cesspool that is social media, but that’s almost too easy of a target these days.

 

Anyways, this trio of films are all centered around dangerous discoveries found throughout places such as chatrooms and websites that your browser should know better than to let you navigate.

 

 

1998’s Strangeland is a pet project of Twisted Sister frontman Dee Snider (and inspired by a song from their breakthrough album “Stay Hungry”). It centers around a detective searching for a man nicknamed “Captain Howdy,” who lures people into a world of extreme body modification and torture through the power of chatrooms (remember those?). As you could no doubt guess, Snider himself plays Captain Howdy, and he is certainly doing what he can to make this as memorable of a performance as possible. I’m not sure it fully works in the way that he wants considering that a lot of the dialogue is super silly, with Howdy speaking like he’s been lifted out of the wing at Arkham Asylum for “Overly Dramatic Villains.”  Weirdly enough, there’s also a part in the middle of Strangeland where our villain gets rehabilitated, but quickly turns back to his old lifestyle. I’m sure that this was supposed to be a commentary on the idea that society just can’t forgive and forget what someone has done in the past so easily (or maybe so that they could cast Robert Englund as the leader of an angry mob who wishes to exact justice of their own. Ha!), but it felt like wasted film reel.

My criticisms aside, I didn’t really hate Strangeland at all. Yes, it is a “passion” project (which can be very hit or miss) and Snider’s character does look like he’d fit in more on an episode of “Ink Master” than a world that’s trying to ape the likes of Hellraiser or Se7en, but it’s never boring and I thought the look of the film overall wasn’t too shabby. It also breezes by at a relatively good pace. Ultimately a tossup for me, but the more I thought about it, the more I thought it was perfectly adequate. Plus, Howdy’s world seems to be less toxic than Twitter these days!

 

 

You’re going to have to bear with me here. This particular review may contain some very harsh language because this was the first movie for this year’s Unseen Terror to truly make me angry. Then again, considering that FeardotCom currently sits at a whopping 3% on review aggregator Rotten Tomatoes and is one of only a handful of pictures (regardless of genre) to receive an overall score of ‘F’ on Cinemascore, I should have seen this coming and braced for a truly wretched piece of shit.

 

There are two good things about FeardotCom: the ten-or-so seconds of hearing Rammstein’s “Sonne” during a kidnapping scene, and that it will inspire you to re-watch one of the many films it’s attempting to ape to help you forget about what you’ve just watched here. As for the plot itself? Well, an NYPD detective and a Department of Health employee investigate a series of strange murders that may or may not be connected to a website called “feardotcom…. dotcom.” And no, that is NOT a typo. From what I understand, the producers initially wanted to call the website in the film “fear dot com,” but didn’t realize that there was already a website using that name. The original owners refused to sell the rights to the website, and so the flick’s spooky website’s url was changed to “feardotcomdotcom.” Idiots. Fucking idiots.

 

The mistake of not diving deeper into the trademarking of the website in the picture itself is the least of this excrement resembling a movie’s worries though. For starters, they have the AUDACITY to waste esteemed and beloved character actors such as Jeffrey Combs (Re-Animator, From Beyond) and Udo Kier (Shadow of the Vampire, Suspiria) by giving them fuck-all to do. Hell, the latter is basically relegated to a glorified cameo by appearing in its opening three minutes and then dying. I’d also say that they waste Stephen Dorff (Blade, The Gate), but seeing as how he’d go on the star in all-time turd Alone in the Dark several years later, maybe this isn’t so bad for him after all. It’s also lacking in anything resembling originality or real tension. It acts as an ugly, dumbed down hybrid of Videodrome, Se7en, and assorted ‘J’ horror pictures. There’s also some awful ADR in its final act, which considering that it cost $40 million to make, is just baffling.

I know that there have been a lot of “revisionist” pieces for late 90s/early 00’s horror films over the past several years. Films that were unfairly maligned have been rediscovered or reappraised by younger generations or those who are not afraid to defend their favorites (even with noticeable flaws). Heck, sometimes I agree with those! I’ll wait with crossed arms and gritted teeth to see who comes out of the woodworks to defend such a goddamn awful film like FeardotCom though. You better have a compelling argument, because this immediately entered the conversation for worst films I’ve ever watched over the course of doing this marathon.

 

 

 

 

Before you say “hey, this is more psychological thriller than horror,” I want to say that it’s my marathon and I’ll do what I want to do. Plus, those two are best friends whether you realize it or not.

 

How it took me this long to watch 2005’s infamous Hard Candy I have no idea. This was one of THE movies to “make” both Elliot (billed here as “Ellen”) Page and Patrick Wilson. The story is a pretty simple one: Page plays a teenager who meets the significantly older Wilson via an online chat, and they set a time to finally meet in person. After some more small talk and exchanging of interests, they go back to his house, where Page’s character drugs, traps, and tortures him on the grounds that he is strongly/rightfully suspected of being a child predator. After sitting through two mixed bags of the exaggerated notion of “the internet is scary,” this one finally seemed to get something right and packed genuine tension. Page’s character of Hayley is the ultimate spirit of vengeance, and Wilson’s Jeff almost inspires sympathy as time goes by (until you remember that he’s, well, a pederast and potentially even worse). For ninety percent of Hard Candy’s running time, it’s just the two of them (save for a cameo from Sandra Oh of Grey’s Anatomy and Killing Eve fame) fucking with one another. You’re locked inside of their twisted world and it’s fascinating. It’s a treat. Sometimes I love watching movies with casts that are so small you could count the number of featured performers seen in them on one hand. Tragically, while I was writing this review, I discovered that Page was assaulted himself after the wrap party for Hard Candy, which makes watching his equally more uncomfortable, but God I can only hope that the member of the production crew who did it gets what’s coming to them sooner than later.

 

Not sure what else I can add to this review (that and I want to get some rest). It’s on Tubi and I believe Amazon Prime as well. It’s a well-respected film and a great “revenge” flick. Check it out!

Unseen Terror 2023: Wrap it Up Ryhan (Days 29-31)

Well, I hope everyone had the greatest of times during Halloween. No clever title for this final entry folks. Let's get these last three flicks knocked out while I'm still somewhat awake though.

Writer/director Brian de Palma is definitely no stranger to the marathon, but somehow his rock opera/horror-comedy hybrid Phantom of the Paradise had only been on my radar for about six years or so, as I would often confuse it with other similarly titled pictures or different projects outright. Still, once I took a glimpse at the Blu-Ray from the reliable Shout! Factory (specifically thanks to the managers at Rockville's Barnes & Noble location which I worked at for six years), I officially became determined to track this sucker down at some point while I was still breathing without having to spend an absurd amount of money. Hey, sometimes I'm just a cheapskate folks. *shrugs*

The plot to this oddball of a flick reads like a mixture of Phanom of the Opera and classic German tale Faust, and it follows a young naive singer-songwriter named Winslow (played by the late William Finley of Sisters fame) who is fooled by well-known music producer Swan (Paul Williams) into surrendering his works over to the far more established figure. Framed, jailed, and scarred (both mentally and physically), Winslow dons a new menacing persona that proceeds to terrorize Swan's newly opened concert hall, all the newly masked madman insists that his stolen music be performed by a younger, adored singer (Jessica Harper). The two come to an agreement of sorts but suffice to say things don't turn out how Winslow wants them to. I don't want to get too much further into plot details, because I believe approaching any motion picture as blind as possible is vital to enjoying it as much as you can.

I feel like it's been quite some time since I've been so unapologetically upfront about any flick that I've watched during an "Unseen Terror" marathon, but if there were ever such a thing as an instant buy, Phantom of the Paradise absolutely fits that description. I had such an unbelievably fun time with this, and I'm kicking myself for having slept on it for so bloody long. The cast is all fantastic, with Williams in particular proving why he's such a respected talent in the entertainment industry by not only playing a real arrogant jerk of a villain, but also scoring its undeniably catchy soundtrack. I've yet to explore much of actress Jessica Harper's non-Suspiria film roles (mostly due to laziness), but I had no earthly idea she was also a GREAT singer. Had the whole acting thing not worked out at all, she could have made a killing in the music industry. Finally, there's reliable Gerrit Graham (The Critic, Child's Play 2, TerrorVision) who plays a fabulously flamboyant glam rocker simply known as "Beef." He arguably steals the show every time he's on screen, and his inclusion not only exists to help move the story along, but to also serve as part of another great aspect of Phantom: its subtle takedown of the music industry and its shameless attempt at jumping on board of trends. Hell, look no further than the inclusion of Swan's own pet project known as "The Juicy Fruits," who undergo more than one genre transformation throughout its running time. Now that I think about it, perhaps that's the only minor complaint I have about this eccentric project: I wish it was longer.

I don't have much more to offer when it comes to gushing over Phantom of the Paradise. It's audacious, stylistic, loud, and very colorful. Most of all though, it's fun! This is the kind of movie that I wish Rocky Horror could have been (no disrespect to that crowd though), and it's a shame that people still sleep on it. Go find it however you can (I viewed mine on an on-demand cable TV channel) and just kick back.... for the hell out of it.

........Uh, you'll understand that if you've seen it. Sorry.

Before I type out the review for this bad boy, I'll just preface it by saying that I've only played the first Five Nights at Freddy's video game and while I don't think it's a bad game per se and it certainly has some nice atmosphere, it was a little too reliant on jump scares and too repetitive for my taste. Call me a boomer, but I'm more of a sucker for stuff like Resident Evil or the first-person Alien games. So, I'm approaching this mostly blind and with no great attachment to the source material. After the whole picture had wrapped up and the credits began to roll, I came to the realization that this was very much the definition of "not for me."

If you're unfamiliar with the Five Nights at Freddy's franchise, the core concept (at least in the first game) is that it's a first-person, point-and-click video game where you play a security guard who has taken on an overnight job at a rundown pizzeria. The main problem arises from having to survive each of those evenings while the homicidal animatronic creatures that roam the restaurant during afterhours try to murder you. Some gig huh? To be honest, with how expensive things have been getting as of late, I can't say that I wouldn't try for some sort of similar gig to pay my own bills. I mean, Dollar Tree is now $1.25 tree? Twenty dollars barely gets you half a tank of gas? But I digress.

Off the bat, I could tell that this was likely going to appeal almost exclusively to diehard fans and unlikely to sway casual, unfamiliar viewers over to its side. Plus, it wasn't too long ago that we got the eerily similar Willy's Wonderland with (a mostly silent) Nicolas Cage, which didn't exactly set the world on fire. Unlike that film though, there are a number of more recognizable faces this time around. The movie adaptation focuses primarily on Josh Hutcherson (The Hunger Games), who takes the aforementioned overnight job from a career counselor (Matthew Lillard of Scream and Scooby-Doo fame) to prevent social services from taking away his younger sister and placing her in the hands of her negligent, asshole aunt (Mary Stuart Masterson from Fried Green Tomatoes). Honestly, that's about the best description I can give considering how this is actually a bit messier than I expected it to be, and most of these characters are as interesting as dried milk. Yes, Hutcherson's character is sympathetic, but there are times where I feel like someone should've provided the poor fella with a cup of coffee. Aside from him, everyone just seems to be going through the motions or has very little to work with. I'll always treasure seeing Matthew Lillard on screen, but he's barely present until the very end (taking part in what was one of the silliest twists I've seen in quite some time). Whereas the human presence in the film is lacking, I did appreciate the work that Jim Henson's Creature Shop put into making some very accurate-looking animatronics. It's just too bad that they chose to spend so much of this film's running time on Hutcherson's frequent dream sequences instead, rather than the impressive practical effects. Oh well.

Five Nights at Freddy's is a little too boring and depends far too often on suffocating the viewers with a quick "boo!" gag as much as it can (so I guess it IS game accurate then). It gets to be very tiresome towards the end and I just didn't see anything that would be able to convince someone other than perhaps little kids to make a return to this universe. Then again, kids/preteens are the primary target audience here, and this could be a nice gateway to bigger and more established horror films for some of them (maybe their parents could lend them a VHS player with some fine gems from the 80s/90s for starters). Ultimately my opinion is just that of a small percentage of people who weren't wholly interested in watching this anyway, but I do see the appeal and do hope that it inspires a new generation to seek out some genuinely creepy stuff. As I said several paragraphs ago, it just wasn't my cup of tea, but I hope it makes its fans happy. Currently, it's streaming on Peacock and playing in whatever cinemas are left closest to you.

Ah, but what better way to finish October than with a motion picture where a VHS player is pivotal to its plot? Somehow, I had never seen Japan's highly influential Ring (or Ringu if you're going to be a real weeb) back when I was trying to seek out as many bizarre Japanese horror films as possible. Perhaps it was never available at the Suncoast Video stores I frequented. Perhaps it was because I favored the gorier side of things (a.k.a. the Takashi Miike stuff) rather than the slower, more atmospheric efforts. Regardless, I decided to finally take the plunge and check out Ring on Shudder and though I do wish I could have closed out October with something more in line with Halloween, I feel like this was a damn fine way to conclude this iteration of Unseen Terror.

I feel as though the concept of Ring and/or its American remake The Ring (also good in its own right) is fairly well known, but I'll give a CliffsNotes version anyway: a reporter investigates the mystery behind a supposedly cursed video tape which causes those who view it to die within seven days. The tales of this tape reach our protagonist Reiko, who takes a particular interest to this rumor when she hears of her niece mysteriously passing away after watching it. Teaming with her ex-husband Ryuji, the two dig around to discover its origins and to find out if there's a way to break this purported curse. Though only a mere twenty-five years old, it's still pretty astonishing to see how much of Ring has been lifted or copied by other motion pictures over the decades (for better or worse). Few could hope to reach this level of creepiness though.

There is so much to appreciate here. The film establishes what it is right out of the gate, yet after its initial, shocking opening, it turns into a very slow burn more akin to that of a mystery than an outright horror film (I understand that this is also the case with the book it's based on). It eases you into its bleak universe, which despite being set in the real world, still feels distinctly "alien." Our protagonists are written very well and are quite sympathetic, which adds to the sense of fear whenever you see the flick's "time clock" pop up on screen every now and then. Ring's most impressive aspect is arguably its atmosphere. It looks far dirtier than I expected it to be, and much smaller in scope. When we finally get a glimpse of the film's most notorious...erm, aspect (a.k.a. one of the first images you're likely to see when Googling Ringu), it's no surprise they turned out the way that they are. It's a terribly depressing world, and only adds to the creepy vibe scattered throughout. I also noticed quite a bit of double meaning in its title and dialogue, but that would be giving away some major plot spoilers so I will only address that with people who are indifferent to reveals.

Honestly, what can I say about Ring/Ringu that assorted video essayists haven't already said themselves? It's a tense, slow burn whose impact is still being felt in the horror genre to this day, and I'm hoping that despite its age, it will still garner some new viewers as often as it can. I'm very happy to put one more stamp on my "J-Horror" card that was long overdue, and perhaps I'll finally be able to seek out Ju-On: The Grudge now as well. Ring is streaming on services such as Shudder and Tubi, with a loaded Blu-Ray from Arrow Video out there for purchase as well.

And with that..........we are done. Sort of. Come back in a couple of days or so if you're interested, because I may have some quick notes and extra tidbits about what didn't make the list (and why), what to expect in the future (if anything), and more. Stay spooky.

Unseen Terror 2023: Piégé En Enfer (Day 19)

Though I'm fairly certain I've stated it before, I grew up as a "90s baby." I don't have as much attachment to a great deal of properties established in the decade prior to it as others do, but I'm always willing to catch up. There often seems to be this rather strange opinion that the 1990s were a dark time for horror, and when you consider how many of the titans of the genre fell off fast and hard, it's understandable to be critical. Plus, you had the emergence of "meta" slashers which almost seemed to insinuate that the genre itself had become predictable (not true). However, in recent years, I feel as though the champions of 90s horror have been winning people over by reminding them that horror wasn't just alive during that time period, but it was evolving, and more creative ideas were coming to the forefront. The low-budget Canadian oddball known as Cube was one such film that garnered a lot of attention upon release, but I'll admit that I never got around to viewing it until now because...well, I'm not quite sure why. Sometimes I just take a while to do things, okay?

Cube's plot revolves around a group of six strangers who wake up trapped inside of a small room with no memory of how they ended up there. It doesn't take long to realize that everyone is trapped inside of what is essentially a maze. For every room you enter, there is a chance that it could contain either a hint of how to escape or a horrific booby trap. The "horror game" subgenre has grown larger over the last few years with the popularity of the Saw franchise, but the blueprints for its explosion are found directly in Cube. Unlike those flicks however, I had a more genuine sense of dread and claustrophobia than I ever imagined. This is such a large labyrinthian prison, and once I discovered that most of this film was shot in essentially one room (with lighting tricks and clever camera cuts covering up its lack of budget), my respect for it only grew. It's like what the immortal Burt Gummer once said: doing what you can with what you got.

However, there is a complaint that knocks Cube down a peg for me, and that all comes down to the on-screen performances. Don't get me wrong, nobody is BAD in this per se (not a fan of casting someone who's not on the spectrum as an autistic person though), but the exchanges between characters feels very snippy, hostile, and carefree to the point which does make it feel a bit dated. Perhaps the screenwriters were in a bit of rush to get the project started as soon as possible. One character also has a remarkably fast descent into madness which admittedly does result in a pretty scary performance, but also feels like it could have been fleshed out a bit more. Still, even as someone who isn't afraid of close spaces, I CAN imagine that I'd probably lose my mind in there at some point, even if it would probably take more than just a single day. There are also some pretty big questions that never get the answers that we are (seemingly) promised, but as I understand there is a sequel out there. Perhaps that will explain a bit more. Or not, who knows. *shrugs*

Some dated 90s cliches aside, I was thoroughly entranced by Cube and really enjoyed the overall product. It's a remarkably smart, slick sci-fi/horror hybrid that makes the most use of its lower cost and delivers a story that's never boring. A weird little gem for people who are patient (or who grew up wanting to be mathematicians!). As of this writing, it's streaming on a majority of services (Plex, Tubi, and Pluto TV have it). Give it a whirl unless you're a square. 

.....wait don't go! The days of bad puns are over, I s(q)wear.

Yeah, that one was worse.

Unseen Terror 2023: Corn on the Crap (Days 4-5)

 To answer yesterday's question proposed towards the end of the reviews:

Children of the Corn IV: The Gathering (woop woop?) is a first in this series, as it shares no history or connections with prior installments in this franchise. This time, it focuses on a young woman returning to her small-town home in Grand Island, Nebraska to watch over her agoraphobic mother (genre veteran Karen Black). The kids all over town suddenly start getting sick and people have dreams of an adolescent preacher with a burned face harassing them and...man I'm tired of this already. Supposedly, there is a deleted scene on physical releases of the film which does allude to "He Who Walks Behind the Rows," but it was cut for reasons that I'm still uncertain of. Whether that scene remained intact or not, it is highly doubtful that it would have improved the quality of Part IV. I mean, when your movie opens on a goddamn dream sequence, you are usually asking for trouble. What's worse is how MANY are scattered throughout its entirety (one scene contains a nightmare within a nightmare). It's a scare tactic that drives me absolutely bonkers, and more often than not works only if your film steers more towards the comedic side of things. Funny this movie is not though.

Something I forgot to mention in my prior review for Urban Harvest was the (very) brief film debut of Charlize Theron. She's uncredited and in the film for approximately ten seconds or so, but it counts. The reason why I'm bringing that up this time around is because this also serves as a first for another respected actress: it's the first time that celebrated performer Naomi Watts receives top billing in a film. She is doing the best that she can to make this work, but unfortunately the bland script (seems to be a common problem with these sequels) just feels like a dumbed down version of A Nightmare on Elm Street mixed with elements from Village of the Damned. There is a small chance such a concept as that could have worked were people allowed time to tweak and rewrite some parts, but it just kind of crumbles underneath the weight of so many stupider elements.

This entry in the Children of the Corn series really wishes it could stand alongside with unfairly maligned "sequels" like Halloween III: Season of the Witch, but it just can't seem to do anything right. Yes, there are two good kills to be found (corn scythe through the head and bisection via hospital gurney), but it is such a slog to get through. If you pass by this on MAX, Hulu, or Amazon Prime Video, just keep on moving.

Don't stop on this one though. It's arguably just as foul as Part IV.

Unlike its predecessor, Children of the Corn V: Fields of Terror IS connected to the first three films, as a group of not-teenagers come across an eccentric small town and run afoul of a crazed little asshole (this time Adam Wylie of Picket Fences and Hey Arnold! fame) who worships He Whose Name I'm Tired of Typing Out. Weird shit and bad acting commence.

Oddly enough, this is the first sequel I've seen to date where I recognized WAY too many of the on-screen performers. We've got Alexis Arquette (Bride of Chucky, Pulp Fiction), Fred Williamson (Black Caesar, From Dusk till Dawn), David Carradine (Kung Fu, Kill Bill), and Kane Hodder (Friday the 13th Parts 7-10, Hatchet). There's also a more prominent actress that I'll address further down. Everyone is doing their best to pretend that they're not just teenagers, but likeable (spoilers: neither works). Fields of Terror is also the first Children of the Corn sequel released during the post-Scream slasher/horror revival that swept the nation, but it lacks any of the substance or fun that made even any of those movies so respected (I doubt you could have paid Kevin Williamson enough to write this). If Scream or I Know What You Did Last Summer were Nirvana and Soundgarden, this is Puddle of Mudd. Or Lifehouse.

Fun (albeit sad) fact about Children of the Corn V: Fields of Terror: this marks the film debut of yet another prolific actress (this time Eva Mendes), and she was so appalled by her performance in this that she hired an acting coach almost immediately afterwards. Say what you will about her choice in projects after this dropped, but even the smelliest of cinematic trash piles like The Spirit or Ghost Rider are FAR superior to this piece of junk. I can't really be terribly angry about her performance though, as every single character in this is either a douchebag, boring, or utterly moronic. Thankfully the film's running time is only about eighty minutes, so you don't have to spend an exorbitant amount of time with them.

I'm not sure what else I can say about these flicks. They're getting progressively stupider and duller. I'm kind of stunned that this was written and directed by Ethan Wiley, who also wrote & directed the superbly underrated House II: The Second Story (still waiting on a Dogapillar plush guys!). Just go seek that out instead and let this burn in the fields.

While we're still on the topic of surprisingly competent names being attached to these cinematic abortions, let's jump right into Children of the Corn 666: Isaac's Return. This time we're right back in Gatlin, as we follow young woman Hannah (played by Get Real's Natalie Ramsey) and her decision to go back to the town she was smuggled out of when she was an infant before the murders began. Despite her repeatedly running into unwelcoming individuals EVERYWHERE in this town, she still insists that she must find her birth mother. Soon, we see the return of Isaac from the very first Corn flick (played by a returning John Franklin), an embarrassing waste of Nancy Allen, and a whole lot of nonsense involving evil sheriffs, Stacy Keach, and cheap jump scares.

This was perhaps the most frustrating and boring of these films to date, as there are a multitude of things that could have been fixed in order to make this mildly watchable. For starters, please don't make your main character this idiotic. I know that it's an unspoken rule of horror cinema that your protagonist will make the occasional baffling decision, but from the very beginning, the character of Hannah is irrationally stupid and ignores literally EVERY warning sign before her (this includes every single person she comes into contact with being either a creep or crazed). I'm fairly certain that the cast of Scary Movie were more intelligent. As for her insistence of wanting to desperately discover who her mom was or what she did? Well, I would like to propose that both Ancestry.com and Google Search were founded prior to the canonical events in this. Plus, the Gatlin murders and whatnot are still out there for the world to read about. Christ on a kernel.

Perhaps the biggest waste of potential in this comes from what would most likely catch the attention of experienced genre fans: the return of Isaac, who despite being enveloped by the same stuff that messed up William Hurt during the end of Altered States, was apparently in a coma after the events in Part 1. John Franklin was debatably the best part of the first Children of the Corn, and he also co-writes the script for Part 6. Unfortunately, he is barely utilized during its short running time (this is one of those cases where I would've welcomed a performer inserting themselves into the movie as often as they could) and the inclusion of the character ultimately just adds to the pointless nature of the whole shebang. It's a similar problem I had with 2018's The Predator, wherein they introduce a character that is supposed to be the offspring of Gary Busey's character from Predator 2 (he's even played by Jake, Gary's actual son). It adds nothing to the film. Also, there's the sudden revelation that Isaac has a child now. Admittedly, I know very little about what can be done with a body while its comatose, but I'm fairly certain that.... hold up, wasn't he still a kid when?...And his own child is a teenager now? I'm so perplexed and angry and grossed out. Just.....no. No. No. No. No.

*sigh* Okay, I'm vetoing the decision to finish this series (at least for now). These are starting to kill whatever brain cells I have left.

Unseen Terror 2020: Days 26-31

 Note to self: look up "YouTube for Dummies" at work when you get the chance to.

Oh....erm, you weren't supposed to see that.

Let's just, uh, get these things out of the way. Thankfully I try to save the good stuff for the end of this yearly marathon, and I think that every film I'll (briefly) discuss is worth going out of your way to watch.

I don't quite recall how I first heard about Dario Argento's Tenebrae (heralded by many as one of his five or six magnum opuses), but I do owe it to myself to try and view every picture that he has released throughout his career. Yes, I'm aware that I didn't even watch my first film by the Italian giant until a few years ago (Phenomena, followed by Suspiria and Deep Red) but after one becomes acquainted and a tad bit obsessed with a particular director and their own unique brand or style, that shouldn't surprise you a whole lot. Tenebrae follows prolific writer Peter Neal as he takes a trip to Rome to promote his newest book: a murder-mystery novel titled "Tenebrae." Almost immediately after landing, a series of murders begins, with the killer ripping pages from the book and stuffing them into the mouths of the victims. Disturbed and confused, Neal teams up with two detectives and his assistant in an attempt to figure out who in the world is behind this string of killings and why they seem to be obsessed with the author's works. 

On the surface, fanaticism being taken a bit too far seems to be Tenebrae's primary focus, though I do believe there's a lot more than meets the eye when it comes to its themes and symbolism. This is one exceptional piece in the subgenre known as "giallo," and it will probably take me a few more viewings to dissect it. Then again, when it comes to Dario Argento, he's one of those directors whose body of work is best experienced if you are patient or possibly a little more "seasoned." Tenebrae is slow, and feels longer than it actually is. The acting is very up and down across the board, and even the presence of the recently departed John Saxon can't quite lift it up all the way. It's also, however, unmistakably stylish and incredibly well shot. The kills are executed across mostly bright surfaces and bright rooms, which makes the blood splatter stand out in a way that almost makes you feel as though you're staring at someone lose their mind inside of an art gallery. The Italian horror flicks have always managed to deliver beauty during moments of unbelievable brutality. The soundtrack is also composed by frequent Argento collaborators Goblin and to the surprise of no one it is killer. And despite my observation that Tenebrae isn't the fastest-moving picture, it never bores. If you've got some caffeine or a nice glass of wine on you, fire this one up on Shudder.

Honestly, the less I say about 1981's Dead & Buried the better. And that is NOT a bad thing, as I view this tiny gem (recommended for years by my own parents!) as one of the absolute best that I've gotten the chance to watch this season. The story is about a small town sheriff who begins to investigate a series of murders that seem to primarily involve tourists or people just passing through. Even more bizarre is when some of those individuals begin to reappear walking around the town as if nothing had occurred. Dead & Buried has one hell of a list of talent involved. Behind the camera you've got screenwriter Dan O'Bannon of Return of the Living Dead & Alien fame. On screen you've got a very solid cast which includes a young Robert Englund (A Nightmare on Elm Street) in a small supporting role and Jack Albertson (Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory) as a positively strange mortician who seems to be a little too proud of his work. The script for Dead & Buried is surprisingly smarter than one would expect, and it baffles me that this was categorized as a slasher movie when it really plays out more like a horror/mystery combination rather than your typical "killer in a mask stalking young adults playing teenagers" fare. There are some genuinely creepy as fuck moments in the flick, including some that played into personal phobias of mine (you'll be able to guess). It does suffer from having somewhat of a predictable final twist, but that shouldn't stop you from seeking this one out. I do hope that this finds an audience over time.

Fade to Black serves as a cautionary tale for sad weirdos like myself that you should probably take your movie obsession down a notch sometimes. The film stars Dennis Christopher (Breaking Away, Stephen King's It) as Eric, a strange and socially awkward cinephile who after having taken a bit too much shit throughout the entirety of his life, finally snaps and starts to kill those who wronged him by impersonating some of his favorite fictional characters from the silver screen. This amusing piece has been enjoying a lot more popularity over the past year or so thanks to (in my opinion) the lengthy documentary known as In Search of Darkness, which chronicles the 1980s horror scene. It isn't hard to see why this has been receiving a lot of love: the cast, which also includes a very young Mickey Rourke, is mostly solid, with Christopher turning into a wonderfully fun performance that makes Eric out to be more sympathetic than we initially think he'll be. The entire time that we are watching his descent into madness we're thinking that "the poor fucker never had a chance," and amusingly enough another character utters these very words later on towards the film's climax. I feel like most of this flick wouldn't work without Christopher (or at least its flaws would be more glaringly obvious). Unfortunately the supporting cast doesn't fare quite as well, despite as I mentioned, turning in mostly good performances. I would place a lot of that blame on what is very likely time restraints or tampering with the script. Most of Fade to Black works really damn well though, and in the end it's another nice hidden gem that has been seemingly dug out of obscurity and given a new lease on life. It's currently streaming on Shudder and is set to receive a Blu-Ray release via the reputable Vinegar Syndrome quite soon.

Here's a quick review for you of this one: if you don't like Gwar, then Phallus in Wonderland isn't likely to convert you into a new fan. Gwar released a series of full-length "movies" during the 1990s and this story of Oderus Urungus' "Cuttlefish of Cthulu" being stolen and put on trial was the very first and arguably most prolific (it was nominated for a friggin' Grammy). The movie is messy, loud, and pretty damn dumb. As someone who enjoys the band because of all three of those traits, however, I was thoroughly entertained. If anything, it also taught me that smoking crack will transport me to Antarctica and entitle me to a private Gwar concert. Neat.

I remember seeing the trailers for both of the full-length theatrical releases associated with Tales from the Crypt EVERYWHERE when I was a kid, but much like the show itself, I was never permitted to see either of them until much later on in life. Man oh man do I wish I had seen Demon Knight (one of THREE proposed pictures that were to be associated with Tales) when I was younger though: I would have ended up buying this bad boy on at least three different physical media formats. The story begins with...well, technically the Crypt Keeper giving us a quick rundown of what we're about to watch. I don't know why I expected him to NOT show up. Silly me. Anyway, it opens with William Sadler (Die Hard 2, The Shawshank Redemption) on the run from Billy Zane (Titanic, The Phantom) and him taking refuge in what was once a church that has now been converted into a boarding house. Inside we meet a gaggle of familiar faces: Thomas Haden Church (Sideways), Dick Miller (Gremlins, The Terminator, fucking EVERYTHING), CCH Pounder (Justice League Unlimited, The Shield), and Jada Pinkett (of Wicked Wisdom fame bruh) just to name a few. Some time passes and Zane shows up again, and after some ruckus has been brought, we find out that he's pursuing a very specific artifact that may in fact be the key to all of hell reigning over the earth. Demon Knight is utterly bonkers, and if I may be so eloquent, my kind of shit. The performances are what makes some pieces of 90s horror cinema so memorable (Zane in particular RULES here), the practical effects work and makeup are solid, and it manages that proper balance of horror and humor that is harder to accomplish than you'd think. Most importantly, it's FUN. I managed to catch this via a friend's Plex account, but should I have a few extra bucks lying around during Xmas time, I'm not hesitating to add this to my collection.

We reach the end....for now. The good news is that I managed to fit in thirty-one features into the month yet again. The bad news is that I have to make the sad confession that up until the year of everything being an absolute dumpster fire, I had never seen 1986's Night of the Creeps. Again, I'm very familiar with it and know that it has a very dedicated cult following, but I never really had the friends in high school to talk about this kind of stuff with so I was never able to see it from beginning to end. I often give myself shit for not planning far ahead in advance, but towards the end of last year I managed to snag the Scream! Factory Blu-Ray for Night of the Creeps from an FYE that was closing down. Usually when I begin to jot down ideas for how these marathons are going to begin and end, they both have to be heavy hitters. Oddly enough though, Night of the Creeps was a box office dud when it was first released despite receiving warm reviews from critics and audiences alike. Ah fuck it, let's just go on with it now.

The story is a VERY odd one: alien slugs crash on earth, infect their victims by crawling into their mouths, and slowly turn them into murderous zombies that simultaneously serve as breeding grounds for more of their kind. Like all fun romps, it's soon up to a small group of people to determine how in the world one stops these things and to prevent them from taking over the entire town. Night of the Creeps is a very clear homage to the golden era of 1950s sci-fi and horror movies (so much so that it's opening sequence is shot in black and white) and manages to wonderfully blend those two genres together with some comedic dialogue that mostly sticks its landing. It also features beloved genre veteran Tom Atkins as a detective who may or may not have sewn the seeds for all bad things to come decades prior to everything going down, and it's yet another reason why you can argue that he had one of the most impressive resumes of any performer during the decade of its release. I mean hell, you have Creepshow, Halloween III, Escape from New York, Lethal Weapon, The Fog, and this all released over the course of seven years! It's a shame that the man isn't held in higher regard, because he is a pure unadulterated badass throughout its running time. The rest of the cast aren't slouches by any means either and all have great chemistry with one another, but they just can't compare to the man with one of the best mustaches in Hollywood. As for the quality of the film itself though? Thankfully most of it works, and it does a pretty fun job at making you think it's going to be one type of flick before it reveals itself to be another. The practical effects work is also wonderfully gross and there are some deceptively bloody (but not gory) kills. If it weren't for the occasional bare breast or really harsh curse word, I'd even make the argument you could have gotten away with making it a very risky PG-13.

I'm not saying this because it's late, but there isn't a lot I can add about Night of the Creeps that you likely don't already know. It's an underrated gem from a decade of decadence that is chocked full of WAY too many movies that still don't have proper home video releases. It's entertaining through and through and genre fans will also get a kick out of trying to pick out all of the easter eggs hidden within. Watch it alongside either writer/director Fred Dekker's other fabulous effort that is The Monster Squad or James Gunn's not-so-subtle nod to the picture known as Slither and have yourself a good ol' time.

And......it's over.

Until tomorrow(ish).

I got more stuff to talk about.

Thanks again to anyone who paid attention, read, discussed, or even gave one quarter of a shit about this little thing I do for fun. In the meantime, I'm going to rewatch Trick 'R Treat before bed.

Unseen Terror 2020: Day 4

 

"You know guys, it just dawned on me how weird this film is. Kinda goofy." - Tom Servo

This might not come as a huge surprise to those of you tuning in this early (or at all) to my yearly marathon, but for 2020's iteration of "Unseen Terror," I have made the conscious decision to watch every single entry in the Texas Chainsaw Massacre franchise that has been released as of this month. After sitting through the absolute insanity that is Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation (originally released as The Return of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre) though, I think I'm taking a slight detour with tomorrow's entry. I remember sitting through TCM4 (I am not typing out that entire title every time) when I was a teenager and not having strong feelings about it one way or the other. I recall the film not being particularly violent despite having such a striking title and that its cast of characters spent more time fighting with each other than trying to kill other people. I also recall that it had very early roles from Renee Zellweger and Matthew McConaughey before they ever officially became A-listers. It turns out that those recollections were pretty damn accurate and this oddball picture, which has earned a pretty notorious reputation as the "love it or loathe it" entry in the series is just as strange as I remembered.

The fourth film, which seems to acknowledge that the prior three entries all happened in some sort of capacity, centers around two couples out and about during prom night who (naturally) run into Leatherface's unhinged and deranged family after they accidentally collide with another driver on the road. Nothing too out of this world, but I do find it amusing that some platforms where this is streaming (mine was on Plex. Thanks to Jon if he's reading this) state that apparently Leatherface always attacks people on the night of prom. As Mike Stoklasa once said, "are they experts in things that have never, ever happened?" Regardless of that funny little error, it's kind of unfortunate the protagonists of TCM4 are stuck in that perpetual "obnoxious 90s teenager" mode which really wants you to like them, but ends with you breathing a sigh of relief whenever they're dispatched of so you don't have to hear them talk like no human being ever does. Renee Zellweger comes across as probably the most likeable of the bunch, but that's only because her heroic costars are either too stupid to live or just plain badly written. She does make for a pretty darn good final girl though, handling herself well considering everything going on around her (there's apparently a deleted flashback sequence which explains how/why she doesn't break as easily as others have in the past) and showing no hesitation to f*ck up her tormentors whenever the option was available.

We aren't going to spend all of this time talking about the future Oscar winner though. Instead, let's discuss what is easily TCM4's highlight: another....erm, future Oscar winner. Yes, that would be a (then) twenty-five-year-old Matthew McConaughey as the head villain of the picture: the bonkers, self-mutilating, mechanical-leg brace-wielding Vilmer Slaughter. Every damn moment that the famed Texan is on screen is just pure magic. He is comically unhinged and batshit crazy, making even Chop Top from TCM2 look subdued in comparison. There are times where one has to wonder if he was a little TOO into this role, because whenever he has to get close to poor Renee Zellweger he has a very sadistic look on this face which suggests that maybe studying for this part involved partaking in some VERY illegal crimes. His cohorts are equally entertaining: Darla Slaughter (played by the amusing Tonie Perensky) has a very morbid sense of humor, but is far more competent and considerably normal than her family members. Despite his cliched redneck appearance, W.E. Slaughter (portrayed by Joe Stevens of Justified fame) is more well-educated than other evil family members in prior entries (even going so far as to constantly quote famous authors and figures). Unfortunately, I was not the biggest fan of what the film did to poor old Leatherface: he spends a large portion of the film relegated to the background while mostly cowering and screaming. There's an expansion on the idea that the character may be a transvestite or sexually confused (not one in the same by the way!), but it never gets fully explored and just kind of exists to add to the overall weirdness of the picture. There's also a ridiculously stupid revelation which implies that the Sawyer....sorry, Slaughter family has connections to an illuminati-like organization that was responsible for the J.F.K. assassination. It's very, very stupid and again, doesn't really serve much of a purpose save for a scene of pure coincidence in the final five minutes of the film.

Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation is oftentimes baffling, kind of sloppy, and not the most well-directed (did I mention that this was directed by Kim Henkel, who co-wrote the original movie?). It is also, however, really damn entertaining during its second half once the family "gets together." Though largely bloodless, the performances from our leads are good enough to warrant giving this a cautionary recommendation and at the very least, it has a TON of personality, which is more than I could say throughout most of the previous film's running time. There's a nifty-looking Blu-ray out there from Scream! Factory for those of you with a "buzz" for something different.

.....and boy am I ashamed of that joke. Sorry.

I'll make it up to y'all with a really obscure kaiju flick soon.

Unseen Terror 2019: Day 1

*sigh*

Here we are. Again.

I feel as though I owe the folks who exclusively visit this site to read my thoughts and/or reviews (rather than on my letterboxd page) an explanation of sorts for why last year's marathon was never finished.....well, on here at least. Again, LETTERBOXD IS YOUR FRIEND AND YOU ARE A FOOL IF YOU DON'T USE IT (cheap plug time: find me on there as Woodshatter1985). During a pair of rather lengthy reviews that I had been working on for over two hours, Blogspot decided to just randomly delete all of my hard work. To say that I was not particularly happy would be the understatement of the decade. Seeing as how I only do this for shits and giggles and not for any extra income (though that sure would be nice), my frustration died down, and I put this silly thing to bed.

Alas, we are back to square one for now. Though I'd strongly prefer to just stick with the other website, I'll suck it up and continue here for the next thirty-one days. Plus, you can't embed videos on letterboxd, and that's a bummer.

Fun fact about Takashi Miike's Audition: I have been in possession of my physical copy for close to fifteen years. I've recommended it to any and every person who is remotely interested in the "J-Horror" genre, and often describe it as one of the most influential horror movies of the 1990s. But as I was finalizing my list for this year's marathon (cutting it down from 90+ to thirty-one flicks was HARD), I came to realize that I had never sat down and watched the film in its entirety. I remember specific parts and all of the praise that it received on Bravo's "100 Scariest Movie Moments" countdown (funnily enough, its segment on Audition is included as a bonus feature here), but even then it never dawned on me until now that this picture was just sitting there collecting dust and waiting to be played from beginning to end.


Anyway, the plot to Audition is fairly simple: Aoyama is a widower whose son suggests that his father needs to start dating again, as it seems that the man's disconnect from humanity seems to be slowly fading away. Aoyama's closest friend Yoshikawa, who happens to be a movie producer, devises that they create a fake casting call to meet women who will audition for the part of his "wife." After a seemingly endless amount of women show up and just fail to capture their interest, Aoyama finds himself fixated on a very meek, yet alluring young lady called Asami. Surprisingly, they respond to each other rather well, and even begin to date. Over time though, her dark past begins to surface and "complicate" things between the two. That is where your synopsis ends, because anything beyond that would ruin the many surprises and more memorable aspects of the picture itself.


I'm actually happy that it took me so long to watch Audition from beginning to end, because oh boy is there a lot of dissect here. For starters, the characters and their decisions made throughout will severely affect how you view the product as a whole. I can see an equal amount of arguments on both sides about whether this movie is a pro-feminist piece or misogynistic torture. The character of Aoyama (played by Ryo Ishibashi of The Grudge & Suicide Club fame) doesn't come across as a scumbag per se, but making the conscious decision to go along with the initial sketchy concept of a fake audition just so he can meet girls doesn't exactly make him feel relatable. Still, when you see him and Asami begin to interact with one another, you do believe that he genuinely likes this woman and isn't looking to just get in her pants. On the flip side, Asami herself (portrayed by the wonderful Eihi Shiina of Helldriver and Tokyo Gore Police, which are also worth checking out) is written to be sympathetic at first, though obviously disturbed in ways that could make some male viewers want to see her just leave the picture entirely or "get what she deserves" during its final act. But this isn't Annie Wilkes we're talking about here, because the more that you discover about this very quiet girl, the more you can understand why she is the way that she is. This conflicting nature can be seen in later-day motion pictures such as Hard Candy, though that was a little more on the nose about who to root for considering it was about pedophilia. Personally I found it to just be about trusting outside advice rather than intuition before it bites you in the ass. The similarities to previous Unseen Terror entries like The Vanishing are uncanny, and it's just as much of a slow burn as that movie was. Then again, maybe I just need to watch this one again so I can truly make up my mind.


Movies like Audition aren't necessarily meant to be enjoyed by general horror audiences (there's only one "jump" scare found in its two hour running time), but few will get under your skin or leave you feeling completely uncomfortable like this one will. It's all about patience, and the payoff is unsettling enough (and seems eerily grounded in realism) to stick in your mind for quite some time. If you haven't gotten a chance to watch this yet, I'd highly, though cautiously recommend that you get a chance to do so. It's currently streaming on Shudder, and if you're like me and want to continue supporting physical media, the Uncut DVD from Lions Gate is still available, as is a recently-released Blu-Ray from the reputable heavyweights at Arrow Video.


Tomorrow, Toho makes their yearly appearance on the list, though kaiju eiga isn't the name of the game this time around!