Unseen Terror 2024: Spooky Title of Your Choosing (Day 31)

Well, it’s the end of the month. Time for the final batch of flicks. Hope everyone’s Halloween has been fun. Maybe next year I'll actually venture out into the world again.

I wasn’t planning on having 1984’s Don’t Open Till Christmas as the closer for 2024’s iteration of Unseen Terror, but I figured it could be a fitting note to end on considering that when the clock strikes midnight, the slumbering beast known as Mariah Carey will emerge and terrorize the world for the next couple of months. Plus, I don’t really have a strong desire to end my marathon with an Eli Roth flick like Thanksgiving. Anyways, this is the first "traditional" slasher movie that I’ve seen in recent memory to NOT take place in or come from North America. It’s a simple story of authorities pursuing a mysterious figure who’s been killing off Santa impersonators in London during Christmastime. The first thing that must be noted about Don’t Open Till Christmas is how much of a nightmare it was behind the scenes to complete and release the movie. First, its main actor/director Edmund Purdom quit after constant conflicts with producers (which led to delays and rescheduling while shooting). Afterwards, the movie’s co-writer Derek Ford was hired to take over and complete the picture…only to be relieved after two measly days on the job. After THAT, editor Ray Selfie was hired to direct, and they demanded that most of the script be rewritten by another individual. Because of the previously mentioned Purdom leaving the production, they also asked that much of the movie be re-shot. Many characters had to be recast as well due to some of the original performers being unavailable to return at the time. Eventually, Purdom came back to finish directing and complete his on-screen scenes.

 

You got all of that?

 

The result is a slasher flick that feels extremely awkward, though still admittedly entertaining. The influence from the Italian giallo scene is very noticeable in some of its color palette (very bright red blood for example) and there are some very sudden outbursts of extreme violence that feel slightly like the material seen in Pieces (both coincidentally produced by Dick Randall). That’s another hyperviolent release from the mid-80s that I’ve previously reviewed, but Pieces is a lot more competent and unapologetic for what it is. Also, Pieces wouldn’t have wasted casting genre favorite Caroline Munro (famously known for roles in Maniac, The Golden Voyage of Sinbad, The Spy Who Loved Me, and MANY hammer horror flicks) in a two-minute-long cameo that ultimately serves no purpose other than to make her scream at the sight of a dead body. At least Munro understood the assignment given out here though; most of this cast is eerily calm about seeing horrific murders committed in front of their eyes. Hell, one of the picture’s first slayings is seeing someone get a spear shot through their head IN FRONT OF PEOPLE AT A PARTY, and only one person seems genuinely shocked or horrified. Maybe this is a British thing? Maybe I’m just being too anal about these kinds of flicks.

 

Don’t Open Till Christmas is like that person you randomly see at a bar who can’t quite hit the bullseye on the dart board, but still manages to elicit an “ah, at least you tried man” from the patrons. It’s just too clumsy to warrant a strong recommendation but compared to some of the other material I’ve viewed this month, it’s far from a complete disaster. If you aren’t in the mood to rewatch the vastly superior “holiday horror” pictures such as Christmas Evil, Silent Night, Deadly Night, or even Gremlins for the umpteenth time, then I suppose you could fire this up.

 

 

 And now we move on to…………. something else.

 

The nicest thing I can say about A Haunted House, a 2013 parody of the “found footage” genre, is that it could’ve been far worse than it is. At this point I don’t think it’s controversial to say that any of the Wayans Brothers’ best days are behind them and that post-Scary Movie, the parody genre has more-or-less become the “reference” genre. Yes, we get lucky with gems like Pop Star, Hot Fuzz, Weird: The Al Yankovic Story, and Black Dynamite from time to time, but for the most part it has become dreadful. The funniest part of A Haunted House had to do with an audio review from the now defunct spill.com (which I’ll link to right here. I'd advise starting at the 9-minute mark). I breathed a short sigh of relief when J.B. Smoove and David Koechner showed up because lord knows once I saw Nick Swardson on screen, I almost instantly knew that this movie was doomed. Hard pass on this one. I am not looking forward to Scary Movie 6.

 

To quote the immortal Cypress Hill, however, “I ain’t going out like that.” I had to end on a high note.

 

So, I re-watched Tremors. Again.

 

Hey, there’s nothing wrong with a “comfort” watch. Plus, I’d rather have October end on an exciting note about giant, underground worms battling Kevin Bacon & Fred Ward than one where Marlon Wayans takes a dump on his wife’s father’s ashes.

 

Not sure what I can say about Tremors that I already haven’t said either online or in person. It’s a perfect monster movie. It’s a perfect horror-comedy. It’s the right kind of exhilaration packed with memorable characters, endlessly quotable lines, and practical effects that could put most things from modern day “monster” movies to shame. It’s….perfection.

 

Nevada.

 

 

…………………I’m not apologizing for that joke.

 

Anyways, stay tuned because I may be back in the next couple of days to talk about what the future holds for this yearly blog-o-thon thing that I do for fun.

Unseen Terror 2024: Stream Wars (Days 24-25)

This isn’t exactly a mind-blowing revelation, but streaming services are everywhere these days. I’ve lost count with how many there are now, and every time that I finish typing a sentence, a new one pops up like you just spilled water on a mogwai. Whatever the case, here are three movies (and a television show) that are exclusive to their streaming homes. Of course, I’m sure you could find these via “other” means, but I digress.

 

 

Hulu’s Mr. Crocket came onto my radar recently and much like has happened before, the poster immediately caught my attention. It’s a strange, if not uneven mixture of The Ring and Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood (with some elements of Wes Craven’s New Nightmare thrown in for good measure), where a children’s TV show host is kidnapping kids via a strange VHS tape that makes its way into the homes of fractured families. The biggest praise I can give to this one is that the practical effects and gore are surprisingly very good, and the opening of the film is great, with American Crime actor Elvis Nolasco delivering an amusing performance as the titular villain. As time goes by, however, the movie starts to lose steam because it can’t seem to make up its mind about what tone it wants to stick with. Does it want to be a dark horror-comedy, or a serious story about recovering from trauma and the hardships of being a single parent? The third act in particular is kind of a mess and includes a ludicrous revelation involving a supporting character that feels like an excuse to increase the body count. Still, I’m looking forward to seeing whatever writer/director Brandon Espy comes up with after the dust on this has settled. The talent is there in Mr. Crocket, but I so, so wish the consistency was as well. Maybe see if the guy is down to do a V/H/S segment sometime sooner than later!

 

Up next was Amazon’s horror-themed dessert competition show Killer Cakes. If you’re familiar with any of the more popular cooking television programs like The Great British Bake Off, then you’ll know what to expect here. It’s a miniseries where four teams of two bakers craft and serve cakes that fit the morbid themes assigned to them by host Matthew Lillard (whose status is at the point where his presence can brighten nearly any project he’s in), while hoping that judges Danielle Harris (The Wild Thornberrys, Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers) and Nikk Alcaraz (a YouTuber and cookbook author who I’ll admit I had no familiarity with) will approve of the final products. Honestly, the biggest complaint I have about this was the entire show consists of two episodes. The creativity and fun that went into some of these bakes was quite charming, but I really wish we could’ve seen more. Plus, the more Matthew Lillard the merrier. Anyways, if you miss the fun weirdness of gone-too-soon gems like The Curious Creations of McConnell, this is an amusing watch. 

Unlike…..

 

 

 

Honestly…………………I don’t really feel like reviewing this one. Not because it brought any feelings to the surface that I didn’t already have. Not because it terrified me immensely (calling it a horror-comedy is pushing it). Not because I was left speechless. Not even because I held my head in my hands asking, “why did I choose this of all things to watch?” I don’t feel like discussing this one because I’ve seen a lot of people say it’s a new “comfort” watch for them and I don’t want to hurt any feelings or bum anyone out. I haven’t been an Adam Sandler fan since the early 2000s (save for his roles in the likes of Punch-Drunk Love and Uncut Gems) and I feel like his performance in Funny People was his attempt at breaking the fourth wall by speaking to the audience and saying that he really wanted to stop making dumb comedies…only to follow that up with another decade’s worth of crass, juvenile films made for audiences that really wish they could say that one slur for mentally challenged people again without getting ugly stares from people with a conscience. I’ve gotten tired of the “talk in a funny voice throughout the entire picture” schtick. I’m tired of the cliched “he’s a dumbass but gets the hottest women” trope. All that being said, I’m not in the mood to be terribly negative and ragging on modern-day “Happy Madison Productions” releases isn’t worth the effort. If you get enjoyment out of Sandler’s entire catalog and want something to watch with your preteen kids, then go right ahead and check out Hubie Halloween on Netflix. I am not part of his audience anymore, but I hope you have fun.

 

It's infinitely better than Jack and Jill or I Know Pronounce You Chuck & Larry though. And there is a clever gag about every female news anchor dressing like Harley Quinn.

 

 

 

In terms of who wins this unofficial contest of “best original film” among the three feature-length flicks discussed in this entry, Tubi (surprisingly) comes away as the winner. The horror-comedy Clickbait: Unfollowed is essentially what would happen if you took Squid Game or Battle Royale but made the contestants “influencer” stereotypes. You’ve got the new age girl, the crypto bro, the beauty advisor, and a few more that I won’t fully mention so as not to spoil some of the surprises. They’re invited to a nice house where they discover that they’ve been given a series of tasks where whoever comes in last, is…well, let’s just say “taken offline.” Writers/directors/co-stars Melanie Scrofano & Katherine Barrell (the former you may recognize from the awesome Ready or Not) bring just enough humanity to each of these characters to make them not completely aggravating to be around for ninety minutes, with Roberto Kyle and Ashleigh van der Hoven standing out among the cast (though everyone here is doing a solid job and clearly having fun). I do wish it had been a little gorier, but maybe that’s the sicko in me talking. Perhaps spending too much time with Terrifier 3 and In a Violent Nature corrupted me. Anyways, this is completely free to watch (as is everything on Tubi) and for a “Tubi Original,” it’s a lot of fun!

 

We’ve got less than a week’s worth of movies to watch and discuss now. Time to break out some big guns soon…………to be so eloquent, "È ora di fare un viaggio in Italia e guardare alcune cose inquietanti dei primi anni '80."

 

Unseen Terror 2024: Deceitful Art (Day 18)

Hey, sometimes I’m a sucker for a catchy title and an alarming poster.

 

Microwave Massacre from 1979 stars comedian Jackie Vernon (best known to people around my age and older as the voice of Frosty the Snowman from the Rankin/Bass specials) as a disgruntled construction worker who comes home one evening and in a drunken rage murders his shrew, nagging wife. When he wakes up the next morning, he has no memory of what occurred at nighttime, but to his horror discovers her corpse stuffed inside of their new, absurdly large microwave oven. After his initial shock wears off, he dismembers her body and stores it in foil wrap in the refrigerator. Not too long after that, he unintentionally takes some bites of his ex-wife’s hand, and yet again, his disgust subsides when he realizes that he quite likes the taste. Maybe there are even tastier morsels out there?

 

So, make no mistake about it; this is a remarkably trashy joint. When your movie opens by focusing on several closeups of a buxom woman walking down the street for no reason whatsoever, you know what you’ve signed up for. The movie’s whole style just screams “just go with it.” A lot of its humor falls flat, with there being a bit too much reliance on Vernon’s character just kind of talking to no one in particular (reportedly Rodney Dangerfield was considered for this role, but his asking price was too high). And despite its title, there really isn’t much in the way of, well, massacring. There’s a decent body count and some gross moments involving Vernon’s character sharing pieces of his “lunch” with co-workers, but the movie’s poster(s) gives the audience hope for something that just doesn’t quite come to fruition. All that being said, I was never bored during Microwave Massacre, and I found it to be a lot of fun. It’s a weirdly charming low budget oddity that could’ve been better in more capable hands, but it’s a short watch and not a terrible way to kill some time. I wouldn’t be upset if a remake was greenlit.

 

 

With all due respect to Microwave Massacre, I think they lost in the contest of “most eye-catching title and poster” here. I first became aware of the alarmingly titled Stuff Stephanie in the Incinerator at the annual Monster Mania convention held in Maryland, but for reasons I can’t quite recall I decided against buying a bootleg DVD of it. But now that I’m essentially a homebody who is mostly done with the “con” stuff, there’s no reason to continue waiting on this one. Plus, it’s distributed by the kings of trash Troma Entertainment. How can you go wrong? I mean guys, that poster is pretty out there.

 

Well, you can go wrong rather quickly when you remember one very simple fact: being distributed by Troma does not mean it was MADE by Troma. So, this movie is a lie. Calling it a horror film (much less a horror-comedy as it is usually tagged) is stretching it. There was more money spent on crafting its poster than there was on concocting a coherent and halfway decent picture. There are no incinerations and technically no deaths. If anything, I’d classify it as a cheap, boring, meta-thriller masquerading as a horror movie. It’s another “bored rich people want to do bad things to pass the time” type of project which we’ve already seen before. There are two or three major twists that take place during its running time that serve more to annoy the audience than to shock them. Its actual ending makes you wonder why in the world you just spent ninety minutes of your life left on this miserable planet watching something that basically trolled you. It’s akin to taking the Rorschach test only for them to just tell you that you’ve been literally staring at a picture of a circle the entire time and that the psychologists are just actors for hire. Worst of all is that it is criminally dull. I legitimately fast forwarded three or four times hoping that this flick would give me SOMETHING to be excited about, but it never happened. And the only time I stop any movie is when I need to use the bathroom or check on dinner.

 

This was legitimately one of the worst movies I’ve ever watched since I started doing this in 2011. I think Children of the Corn and FeatdotCom may have lost the title of “worst of 2024” for this year’s marathon. At least with Corn, you knew what you were getting, and they didn’t really lie to the audience. This though? Junk. Add it to the list of “great posters for terrible pictures” alongside stuff like The Bees, The Phantom Menace and Reptilicus.

Unseen Terror 2023: Wrap it Up Ryhan (Days 29-31)

Well, I hope everyone had the greatest of times during Halloween. No clever title for this final entry folks. Let's get these last three flicks knocked out while I'm still somewhat awake though.

Writer/director Brian de Palma is definitely no stranger to the marathon, but somehow his rock opera/horror-comedy hybrid Phantom of the Paradise had only been on my radar for about six years or so, as I would often confuse it with other similarly titled pictures or different projects outright. Still, once I took a glimpse at the Blu-Ray from the reliable Shout! Factory (specifically thanks to the managers at Rockville's Barnes & Noble location which I worked at for six years), I officially became determined to track this sucker down at some point while I was still breathing without having to spend an absurd amount of money. Hey, sometimes I'm just a cheapskate folks. *shrugs*

The plot to this oddball of a flick reads like a mixture of Phanom of the Opera and classic German tale Faust, and it follows a young naive singer-songwriter named Winslow (played by the late William Finley of Sisters fame) who is fooled by well-known music producer Swan (Paul Williams) into surrendering his works over to the far more established figure. Framed, jailed, and scarred (both mentally and physically), Winslow dons a new menacing persona that proceeds to terrorize Swan's newly opened concert hall, all the newly masked madman insists that his stolen music be performed by a younger, adored singer (Jessica Harper). The two come to an agreement of sorts but suffice to say things don't turn out how Winslow wants them to. I don't want to get too much further into plot details, because I believe approaching any motion picture as blind as possible is vital to enjoying it as much as you can.

I feel like it's been quite some time since I've been so unapologetically upfront about any flick that I've watched during an "Unseen Terror" marathon, but if there were ever such a thing as an instant buy, Phantom of the Paradise absolutely fits that description. I had such an unbelievably fun time with this, and I'm kicking myself for having slept on it for so bloody long. The cast is all fantastic, with Williams in particular proving why he's such a respected talent in the entertainment industry by not only playing a real arrogant jerk of a villain, but also scoring its undeniably catchy soundtrack. I've yet to explore much of actress Jessica Harper's non-Suspiria film roles (mostly due to laziness), but I had no earthly idea she was also a GREAT singer. Had the whole acting thing not worked out at all, she could have made a killing in the music industry. Finally, there's reliable Gerrit Graham (The Critic, Child's Play 2, TerrorVision) who plays a fabulously flamboyant glam rocker simply known as "Beef." He arguably steals the show every time he's on screen, and his inclusion not only exists to help move the story along, but to also serve as part of another great aspect of Phantom: its subtle takedown of the music industry and its shameless attempt at jumping on board of trends. Hell, look no further than the inclusion of Swan's own pet project known as "The Juicy Fruits," who undergo more than one genre transformation throughout its running time. Now that I think about it, perhaps that's the only minor complaint I have about this eccentric project: I wish it was longer.

I don't have much more to offer when it comes to gushing over Phantom of the Paradise. It's audacious, stylistic, loud, and very colorful. Most of all though, it's fun! This is the kind of movie that I wish Rocky Horror could have been (no disrespect to that crowd though), and it's a shame that people still sleep on it. Go find it however you can (I viewed mine on an on-demand cable TV channel) and just kick back.... for the hell out of it.

........Uh, you'll understand that if you've seen it. Sorry.

Before I type out the review for this bad boy, I'll just preface it by saying that I've only played the first Five Nights at Freddy's video game and while I don't think it's a bad game per se and it certainly has some nice atmosphere, it was a little too reliant on jump scares and too repetitive for my taste. Call me a boomer, but I'm more of a sucker for stuff like Resident Evil or the first-person Alien games. So, I'm approaching this mostly blind and with no great attachment to the source material. After the whole picture had wrapped up and the credits began to roll, I came to the realization that this was very much the definition of "not for me."

If you're unfamiliar with the Five Nights at Freddy's franchise, the core concept (at least in the first game) is that it's a first-person, point-and-click video game where you play a security guard who has taken on an overnight job at a rundown pizzeria. The main problem arises from having to survive each of those evenings while the homicidal animatronic creatures that roam the restaurant during afterhours try to murder you. Some gig huh? To be honest, with how expensive things have been getting as of late, I can't say that I wouldn't try for some sort of similar gig to pay my own bills. I mean, Dollar Tree is now $1.25 tree? Twenty dollars barely gets you half a tank of gas? But I digress.

Off the bat, I could tell that this was likely going to appeal almost exclusively to diehard fans and unlikely to sway casual, unfamiliar viewers over to its side. Plus, it wasn't too long ago that we got the eerily similar Willy's Wonderland with (a mostly silent) Nicolas Cage, which didn't exactly set the world on fire. Unlike that film though, there are a number of more recognizable faces this time around. The movie adaptation focuses primarily on Josh Hutcherson (The Hunger Games), who takes the aforementioned overnight job from a career counselor (Matthew Lillard of Scream and Scooby-Doo fame) to prevent social services from taking away his younger sister and placing her in the hands of her negligent, asshole aunt (Mary Stuart Masterson from Fried Green Tomatoes). Honestly, that's about the best description I can give considering how this is actually a bit messier than I expected it to be, and most of these characters are as interesting as dried milk. Yes, Hutcherson's character is sympathetic, but there are times where I feel like someone should've provided the poor fella with a cup of coffee. Aside from him, everyone just seems to be going through the motions or has very little to work with. I'll always treasure seeing Matthew Lillard on screen, but he's barely present until the very end (taking part in what was one of the silliest twists I've seen in quite some time). Whereas the human presence in the film is lacking, I did appreciate the work that Jim Henson's Creature Shop put into making some very accurate-looking animatronics. It's just too bad that they chose to spend so much of this film's running time on Hutcherson's frequent dream sequences instead, rather than the impressive practical effects. Oh well.

Five Nights at Freddy's is a little too boring and depends far too often on suffocating the viewers with a quick "boo!" gag as much as it can (so I guess it IS game accurate then). It gets to be very tiresome towards the end and I just didn't see anything that would be able to convince someone other than perhaps little kids to make a return to this universe. Then again, kids/preteens are the primary target audience here, and this could be a nice gateway to bigger and more established horror films for some of them (maybe their parents could lend them a VHS player with some fine gems from the 80s/90s for starters). Ultimately my opinion is just that of a small percentage of people who weren't wholly interested in watching this anyway, but I do see the appeal and do hope that it inspires a new generation to seek out some genuinely creepy stuff. As I said several paragraphs ago, it just wasn't my cup of tea, but I hope it makes its fans happy. Currently, it's streaming on Peacock and playing in whatever cinemas are left closest to you.

Ah, but what better way to finish October than with a motion picture where a VHS player is pivotal to its plot? Somehow, I had never seen Japan's highly influential Ring (or Ringu if you're going to be a real weeb) back when I was trying to seek out as many bizarre Japanese horror films as possible. Perhaps it was never available at the Suncoast Video stores I frequented. Perhaps it was because I favored the gorier side of things (a.k.a. the Takashi Miike stuff) rather than the slower, more atmospheric efforts. Regardless, I decided to finally take the plunge and check out Ring on Shudder and though I do wish I could have closed out October with something more in line with Halloween, I feel like this was a damn fine way to conclude this iteration of Unseen Terror.

I feel as though the concept of Ring and/or its American remake The Ring (also good in its own right) is fairly well known, but I'll give a CliffsNotes version anyway: a reporter investigates the mystery behind a supposedly cursed video tape which causes those who view it to die within seven days. The tales of this tape reach our protagonist Reiko, who takes a particular interest to this rumor when she hears of her niece mysteriously passing away after watching it. Teaming with her ex-husband Ryuji, the two dig around to discover its origins and to find out if there's a way to break this purported curse. Though only a mere twenty-five years old, it's still pretty astonishing to see how much of Ring has been lifted or copied by other motion pictures over the decades (for better or worse). Few could hope to reach this level of creepiness though.

There is so much to appreciate here. The film establishes what it is right out of the gate, yet after its initial, shocking opening, it turns into a very slow burn more akin to that of a mystery than an outright horror film (I understand that this is also the case with the book it's based on). It eases you into its bleak universe, which despite being set in the real world, still feels distinctly "alien." Our protagonists are written very well and are quite sympathetic, which adds to the sense of fear whenever you see the flick's "time clock" pop up on screen every now and then. Ring's most impressive aspect is arguably its atmosphere. It looks far dirtier than I expected it to be, and much smaller in scope. When we finally get a glimpse of the film's most notorious...erm, aspect (a.k.a. one of the first images you're likely to see when Googling Ringu), it's no surprise they turned out the way that they are. It's a terribly depressing world, and only adds to the creepy vibe scattered throughout. I also noticed quite a bit of double meaning in its title and dialogue, but that would be giving away some major plot spoilers so I will only address that with people who are indifferent to reveals.

Honestly, what can I say about Ring/Ringu that assorted video essayists haven't already said themselves? It's a tense, slow burn whose impact is still being felt in the horror genre to this day, and I'm hoping that despite its age, it will still garner some new viewers as often as it can. I'm very happy to put one more stamp on my "J-Horror" card that was long overdue, and perhaps I'll finally be able to seek out Ju-On: The Grudge now as well. Ring is streaming on services such as Shudder and Tubi, with a loaded Blu-Ray from Arrow Video out there for purchase as well.

And with that..........we are done. Sort of. Come back in a couple of days or so if you're interested, because I may have some quick notes and extra tidbits about what didn't make the list (and why), what to expect in the future (if anything), and more. Stay spooky.

Unseen Terror 2023: Vampegeddon....That's It (Day 28)

 

Look, I won't sugarcoat it: 2010's Vampegeddon only made it onto this year's list because some have dubbed it the worst vampire movie ever made (though my Jortscenter co-host Victor has claimed that honor belongs to Paul Knop's V is for Vampire). Seeing as how even the smelliest of garbage I've reviewed this year doesn't even have the distinct (dis)honor of falling under the category of "so bad it's good," I was hoping that this would satiate my thirst for trash. But oh boy, even I had no idea what I was in for here.

The plot of Vampegeddon is.... uh, unique. One hundred years ago, the vampire lord Giovanni (yes, that is his name) flees to the American southwest, with the intention of setting up a brood. A British vampire hunter named Longshank follows him, and in the ensuing battle both are killed. Fast forward to present day and a group of mallgoths who want to desperately become vampires unintentionally resurrect Giovanni after one of them purchases an old book from a garage sale. I'll cut to the chase here and just copy & paste my notes word-for-word (in italic) with a few extra tidbits from when I was watching Vampegeddon: 

• "Was this ENTIRE movie done in ADR?" Nope, only about 98% of it. I counted two lines with what sounded like proper, albeit low mixing. I can only assume that the original audio was lost, and they chose to go with this route. It only heightens the ludicrously bad acting though, which is somehow worse than you'd think it is. The only thing that seemed properly mixed was its soundtrack, which audibly sounded like one of those random band samplers you can get outside of a metal show.
• "Is this porn? Did any of the people who worked on this previously work in the porn industry?" Well, as far as I can tell they did not. The comically bad performances, coupled with the cheap effects and filmmaking style (plus the amount of "hey boobs!" cuts) could sure fool me though. It's like if Jim Wynorski studied Tommy Wiseau and sat down to direct a straight-to-video film helmed by a local theater troupe. In that aspect, I feel somewhat bad for picking on this, but I can't ignore it.
• "All of these teenagers are played by people old enough to be their own parents." Yeah, I got nothing else to add to that. It is the unironic version of that Steve Buscemi scene from 30 Rock.
• "Why am I watching this alone? What am I doing with my life?" 

I have yet to see Casablanca or Gone with the Wind in their entirety. I only finished the first season of Breaking Bad. I have only read the works of William Shakespeare out of necessity during my high school years. And yet, I have sat through all of Vampegeddon. More so, I did it without finding a way to stuff myself into the trash chute in my apartment complex. If you are as infatuated with discovering the "cream of the crap" as I am, this MUST make it onto one of your "bad movie night" gatherings. Indeed, it is a truly AWFUL picture, but I'd watch it again any day over most other bad flicks I've seen in recent memory. Sadly, it appears as though obtaining a physical copy of this is rather difficult these days. Luckily, you can find it available to rent on services like Prime Video, or even the way that our lord and savior Lemmy intended it to be watched: free and unedited on YouTube!

Unseen Terror 2023: No Clever Captions (Days 24-27)

Well, let's get through a few more of these things, shall we? I would say that over these last few days, there has been no particular thing to link this crop of movies together other than......uh, they're movies? Sure, let's go with that. Without spoiling a great deal, I will say that all four films are worth seeking out in some sort of capacity.

My first exposure to 1986's woefully underrated Vamp came from browsing through magazines at the bookstores I frequented as a kid (some of whom I ended up working for down the line). Every time I'd see a shot from the film or shots of Grace Jones, I had no earthly what I was looking at. Perhaps because I wasn't in the mood to be confused at the time (a.k.a. I was in the "bring on the gore" phase of my horror fandom), I kept putting it off. Fast forward twenty-something years later and after finally watching the darn thing, I wish I could go back in time and slap my younger self for taking so long. There are also other things I'd kick my own ass for, but those stories are for another day.

The plot to Vamp revolves around a couple of college kids who desperately wish to get into a fairly famous fraternity, so they coerce a fellow student (Gedde Watanabe of Sixteen Candles fame) to assist them with renting a stripper in an attempt to bribe their way in. Heading to a nearby city, the trio find themselves in a fairly "seedy" strip club, where they run into Grace Jones and a gaggle of strange characters that populate the establishment. Oh, and the whole joint is filled with vampires. The first thing you might be thinking of when you hear Vamp's plot synopsis is "hey, didn't From Dusk Till Dawn" do this already? Indeed, it did, but that particular flick didn't come out until ten years after this one. I know people have often said Quentin Tarantino is not so subtle with his influences sometimes, but knowing what kind of an eccentric person he is, I would absolutely not be surprised to hear that he thinks Vamp is the bee knees. Plus, whereas Dusk is more a welding of action and horror, Vamp primarily focuses on comedy and horror.

Slight similarities aside, does the final product work? Well, I'd say that minus a few things that fall under the "cool for cool's sake" banner, it does. The cast is all pretty darn great, with a few familiar faces like the previously mentioned Watanabe, Sandy Baron (yes, Jack Klompus from Seinfeld), blog favorite Billy Drago, and Deedee Pfeiffer (House III, Big Sky) out and about. The glue that holds this whole thing together though is Grace Jones, and to be perfectly honest with you, I don't think it would warrant too many revisits if she wasn't present. Playing the head vampire and acting almost exclusively mute, she just has this aura that can't really be replicated. Her frequent and very unique wardrobe changes do seem like an excuse to let the costume department play around, but hey, it's a 'B' movie after all.

It's pretty late right now, so I think I'll just finish this by saying Vamp is camp. It's also very fun and has a pretty solid soundtrack for good measure. It's currently streaming on Tubi and the fine folks over at Arrow Video also released a fairly packed Blu-Ray not too long ago.

It didn't occur to me until a few days ago that there wasn't a single kaiju/giant monster movie on this year's list, which is kind of a surprising when you consider that it's become something of an unofficial requirement for my marathon. After I gave up trying to track down the '09 remake of Children of the Corn however, there was an open spot to fill, and one gargantuan, fire-breathing reptile decided to drop in. Somehow, this is the first time that Godzilla's main rival (at least, from a rival Japanese studio) has made an appearance for Unseen Terror, though after sitting through 2006's Gamera the Brave, perhaps I should've chosen to revisit one of his darker forays from the 90s rather than what is essentially an "old school" Gamera movie done in modern day. Not a complaint though!

Gamera the Brave's plot has a lot in common with your basic "boy and his dog" story, or even beloved sci-fi classic E.T the Extra-Terrestrial. Thirty-three years after a battle between Gamera and a flock of enemy monsters nearly destroyed Japan (prevented due to Gamera sacrificing itself to halt the destruction), a young boy named Toru discovers a mysterious egg near the same shore where the battle took place. It hatches a baby turtle. which is nicknamed "Toto" by the kid and kept in secret from his father. Within a very short amount of time however, little Toto starts to grow a little larger...and larger...and larger. When a new monster arrives to wreak havoc across the country however, it's all now in the hands of the smaller Toto to step up and save the world as his predecessor did before him.

If you're thinking that the plot synopsis doesn't sound like anything that could fall under the "horror" category, I would say that you're technically correct (the best kind of correct). However, this could also fall well under another sub-category that I've been trying to cover more of over the years, and that's "family-friendly horror." Nothing in here is TOO frightening to scare younger kids, but it's got just enough menace from the new antagonistic kaiju Zedus (a man-eating sea lizard with neck frills and a piercing tongue) to keep them on the edge of their seats. Plus, the fight sequences are pretty stellar, and they even managed to break the stereotype of the kid friendly Gamera movies by having a child protagonist who isn't a completely unsympathetic, irritating pain in the ass. Big wag of the finger to some of the extended monologue sequences in its third act though, and the fact that we never get to hear the iconic Gamera "roar" is a little puzzling to me.

This is a grand little flick though. Unfortunately, burnout from the Japanese public in regard to kaiju films (at least during the mid 2000s) KILLED Gamera the Brave at the box office, so this never received any proper follow-up. Still, it's kind of a precious little project. If you've got young children of your own, this is a great jumping on point for them when it comes to giant monster movies. Yes, they will have to read subtitles, but I think they'll be so entranced by the sights of little Toto fighting the significantly larger Zedus (or be charmed by his silly, albeit familiar antics when he's still hand-sized) that they won't mind. It's currently streaming on Amazon Prime and Arrow Video's own streaming service (which also houses the entire Gamera franchise, save for this year's Gamera Rebirth on Netflix, but I'll get to that eventually).

And now for a complete tonal shift! It was through the now-defunct Shock Waves podcast that I first learned of 2017's Terrified (no, NOT the one with the psychotic clown) from Argentina, as it made several of the hosts' top 10 flicks of the year. Going into the film, I knew next to nothing, including the plot or even what subgenre this would fall under. While I think you ultimately could classify it as supernatural horror film, there is a lot more to deal with besides the spiritual. Grief and suburban fears play a fairly big part of what makes certain scenes in Terrified so effective.

I don't want to give away too much information in regard to the plot, as I feel going into Terrified as blind as you can is what made it work so well for me. A series of very peculiar and violent events begin occurring around a small neighborhood in Buenos Aries, and a trio of investigators (two paranormal experts, one police commissioner) begin to snoop around in an attempt to discover why things have been going awry so often and so suddenly. Brief as that synopsis may be, I feel like it's just enough to not give away anything, as even the smallest of points in its first twenty minutes play a much larger part in the film's latter half. Ironically enough, that second half also kicks the film into overdrive by dropping some truly horrific imagery into your lap (though there are some spotty CGI effects once in a while), with some of the flick giving off the vibe like it's intentionally trying to hurt you. What's all the more effective is how deadly serious the characters seem to be taking this. There's no Hollywood pizzaz going on; it's ugly, dark, and dreary. 

If you're a fan of modern-day horror flicks such as Insidious or The Conjuring, there's a very good chance that'll you end up really enjoying Terrified. Personally, I think it blows the former out of the water and the latter wishes it had the balls to do to the Warrens what it does to these poor souls. Terrifically creepy and moody, with some of the best scares I've had this month so far. Turn off the lights, settle in, choose your watching area with the best sound output possible, and try to just put yourself into this world. It's currently streaming as a Shudder exclusive, though I hope that somehow it will make its way to a wider audience over time. Coincidentally, director Demian Rugna's next foray into horror (Where Evil Lurks) will be making its streaming debut this weekend on Shudder, and I for one can't wait to see just what the man can bring us in the future.

Aussie horror flick Lake Mungo may fit this yearly marathon better than most films I've previously reviewed, as save for a select few individuals (Jay Bauman from RedLetterMedia was the first one I heard sing its praises), I've heard virtually nobody talk about it. When it IS discussed however, people often swoon over its creepy nature, filming style, and how it's a shame that more people have yet to discover its greatness. Cliched as it may sound, you can add my name to the list, as this was yet another knockout for 2023's iteration of "Unseen Terror." See what happens when you're finally done with He Who Walks Behind the Rows?

I went into Lake Mungo knowing virtually nothing about the picture save for the fact that it was inexplicably released via independent movie production company "After Dark Films." The quality of the flicks distributed by them is debatably more varied than that of similar collections such as the "8 Films to Die For" series, but when they manage to land a hit, it's usually a fairly impressive one (2007's Frontiers from France is also worth seeking out). To my surprise, Lake Mungo is actually filmed as a faux documentary, which covers a family as they attempt to come to terms with the death of their daughter, but supernatural elements start to occur soon afterwards. Nobody is quite sure what happens after you pass away, but what if she didn't?

The movie employs a variety of different techniques to tell a fascinating story that you become so immersed in that you swear could be real. The actors speak about as normal as the people you see in your average documentary, and I'm not sure how much of that was improvisation encouragement given to them by writer/director Joel Anderson or if the script was just written very oddly. Found footage scenes interspliced throughout only add to the tension and make you feel just as uneasy as this grieving family does about the possibility that perhaps there is life beyond death. I would say that if I had one complaint it's that there are a few too many characters to keep track of, but all of them serve the greater picture in some sort of way. Removing even the most minor of figures such as the daughter's friend who has barely a minute or two of screen time lessens the impact of certain reveals.

This is the kind of little gem that I love to see. Lake Mungo is a very slow burn, but worth staying with. It's the project that films like The Fourth Kind or The Devil Inside wishes it could be, and it is further proof that Australia may very well be the most underrated country for delivering creepy films to the masses. It's currently streaming on a variety of services (I watched it on Shudder) and I think it's worth seeking out.

Unseen Terror 2022: Day 2

Look, I'm sure that I'm bound to make a few enemies by saying this, but I have to get it off of my chest: the original Hocus Pocus from 1993, while admittedly very fun, is a tad bit on the overrated side. Mind you, I do not dislike the film at all. I've enjoyed it going back to when I first saw it at a neighbor's Halloween party in (I want to say) 1994. I think Bette Midler is absolute fantastic in it. I think Doug Jones is immensely entertaining as Billy Butcherson. Do I consider it to be a bona fide classic in the genre though? That's kind of up for debate. Still, I was morbidly curious (and fearful) when they announced that a sequel to this (now) cult classic was being filmed and set to release exclusively on the Disney+ streaming service. Often times long overdue follow-ups end up disappointing to the degree where you tend to erase them from memory as fast as you possibly can (looking right at you Zoolander 2 and Anchorman 2).

Much to my surprise however, I found Hocus Pocus 2 to be pretty gosh darn fun. The plot isn't exactly complicated: two teenagers accidentally bring the abhorrent witches known as The Sanderson Sisters into modern day Salem and have to find a way to stop them from becoming all powerful and wreaking havoc upon the world. Simplistic storyline aside, I feel as though what makes a large chunk of this work is how enjoyable the cast is. The villainous Sanderson Sisters (who admittedly seem to be a tad toned down in terms of evilness this time around) are as splendid as they were thirty years prior, with Midler in particular just writhing in ecstasy every time that she gets to be the main focus. I also found Kathy Najimy to be far less irritating than she was in the first picture. Sarah Jessica Parker is...well, she's just swell. Yeah. As for their adversaries though? They're kind of a mixed bag. Whitney Peak (of Chilling Adventures of Sabrina fame) is a decent enough protagonist, but her companions feel a bit on the cliched side. On the "adult" side of things, we are blessed with the presence of the always entertaining Sam Richardson (whom you will likely recognize from television shows such as Veep and I Think You Should Leave) and a welcomed return of the aforementioned Doug Jones. The two of them have far better chemistry than anyone could have expected.

Here's where I may bum some readers out though: yes performance-wise, Midler, Najimy, and Parker are very good. But oof do they kind of drop the ball with the writing of their characters. Comical as they may be, there was still some hint of menace and malicious intent behind those ridiculous costumes in the first feature. Building up just the comedy and downplaying the fact that they are, y'know, witches who KILL AND EAT CHILDREN was certainly a choice, but I feel as though it will affect how many times a viewer is likely to revisit it. There is also an attempt to make them more sympathetic through an opening prologue that while amusing, reminds one of how Disney seems far too keen on utilizing the "sympathetic villain" trope. It was one thing in Maleficent, but I'm still pretty appalled by the fact they tried to make the titular character in Cruella likeable. This has also been bleeding over into the Marvel Cinematic Universe, and I am kindly asking that you please stop this. Oh, and some of the CGI seemed rushed. There's that too.

Still, I'm legitimately shocked that I enjoyed this as much as I did. Perhaps watching with the right company can enhance one's enjoyment of this silly romp and help you ignore some of its weaknesses. Truth be told, there is a slim-to-none chance that anyone watching this hasn't seen its predecessor, but much like with this year's Clerks III, you can tell that it was made for that particular fanbase and nobody else. As it so obviously says on the poster, Hocus Pocus 2 is streaming on Disney+ and I don't see it leaving that platform anytime soon.

Tomorrow, we head to Japan for a kaiju flick unlike any other!

....no, seriously!