Unseen Terror 2024: Post-Mortem Thoughts & Rejects

Ah, it sure was nice to take a small break after dealing with this year’s marathon.......wish I had gone into a full-blown hibernation though after these past couple of days though. Ugh. If I can be perfectly honest, 2024’s Unseen Terror was kind of a pain to put together for a myriad of reasons. I almost scrapped the entire thing because of stress and depression (as well as some condescension from outside forces. I’m not getting into that for personal reasons). I’ve always done this for fun, and if ever there were a time to be noticed by more “noteworthy” publications or anyone outside of people from my personal life, it would have been before the rise of A.I., which I do feel is unfortunately slowly creeping its way into the creative process for both writers and content creators (as much as I enjoyed Late Night with the Devil, the stink of the filmmakers using A.I. will forever tarnish it). I am considering hopping over to the likes of say, TikTok or YouTube or even just promoting Letterboxd (where I’m more active anyway) for future reviews. Hell, I even just signed up for Bluesky the other day (a.k.a. the new alternative to twitter that ISN'T owned by a giant man-child who makes ugly vehicles that frequently catch fire). When it comes to the former two, I’d need better equipment or a phone that isn’t five years old and doesn’t overheat when you try to do anything outside of making a simple phone call. But I digress.

 

Enough of that though, let's talk about the movies. If I had to summarize this year's listing and overall thoughts it would be "fun, but messy." I'd say that Manhunter, Terrifier 3, Eyes of Fire, V/H/S/Beyond, and Hard Candy were the best of the bunch (I would've said The Substance takes top prize, but it was a technically a re-watch so that'd be cheating). I'd also say that Children of the Corn 2009, Cannibal Ferox, FearDotCom, Stuff Stephanie in the Incinerator, and Imaginary were the stinkiest of this year's batch of movies.

Speaking of that, every year there are several flicks that don’t quite make it onto my list but could turn up in future installments. For 2024, these included the following:

 

-Tarot, Longlegs, and Immaculate. While all three have received WILDLY different reactions from audiences and critics alike, I felt as though I had far too many current releases included this time around.

-Stir of Echoes (1999). Considered by many to be one of Kevin Bacon’s most underrated films, I had a surprising amount of difficulty finding it available for streaming…until the marathon concluded, and it was recently added to Amazon Prime. Just my luck.

-Species 1-4 (1995-2007). If there ever were a franchise to go through in its entirety, Species would not be at the top of my list, especially since I’ve already seen the first two films during my teenage years (spoilers: the first Species is dumb fun with a cool monster design by H.R. Giger; the second is just dumb and low key pretty misogynistic). Maybe for some Science Fiction-themed month?

-Tarantula (1955). Another one from the “Fantastic Dinosaurs of the Movies” VHS tape that I’ve talked about several times in the past. I legitimately couldn’t remember if I had already watched it as a kid, so it got cut. Come to think of it, maybe I should just do an entire month’s worth of movies related to that tape. Would Goodtimes Home Video somehow come back from the grave in an attempt to prevent it? Maybe I’m just tired.

-Bed Rest (2022). Dropped at the last minute because I realized that for as much as I love and respect Melissa Barrera, I can’t use her presence as the sole reason for sitting through a film.

-Faces of Death (1978). More of a collection of random death scenes from home-made ‘B’ movies and TV material. Extremely gimmicky and would’ve likely made this list should it have started when I was in high school.

-Jeepers Creepers 1-4 (2001-2022).  I've received requests from a few folks asking me to cover this series, but it's never going to happen. Sorry. The first one is an adequate slasher (until it becomes a monster movie in its third act). The second film is awful. I do not wish to give Victor Salva any further attention because he is a convicted child molester, and I felt like I needed to bathe in Clorox after watching Clownhouse knowing what was happening behind the scenes. Moving on.

-Megan is Missing (2011). Perhaps the most “infamous” horror movie recommended by TikTokers with reception that has ranged from “you know this isn’t a documentary but a fictional film, right?” to “this generation is fucking doomed.” I was not in the mood to sit through this one.

-Slaughter High (1986) and Final Exam (1981), Too many slashers already.

-The Haunted World of El Superbeasto (2009). An animated horror-comedy written and directed by Rob Zombie; I’ve lost count with how many times I’ve tried to finish this in its entirety. I made a swift decision to watch the far superior and decidedly creepy Pet Shop of Horrors instead.

-Subspecies 1-6 (1991-2023). Nah, I’m good.

-Exorcist II: The Heretic. This was dangerously close to becoming the final movie of the marathon, but I was met with more than a few replies of “seriously, don’t watch that” from people in my personal life. It’s regarded as one of the worst movies of all time (directed by someone who didn’t even LIKE the first Exorcist no less). Maybe I’ll watch it one day if I’m in the mood to torture myself or if I'm on my death bed and wish to accelerate the dying process. I wonder if sitting through this film or overdrinking would be more hazardous to my health…

Anyways, that's it. As Gene Siskel and Roger Ebert used to say, "the balcony is closed."

Or at least, for a little while. Peep me over on Letterboxd as Woodshatter1985.

Please take care of one another. Give anyone who is heartbroken and feeling downtrodden a hug. This is a horrible world we live in, but to ensure a better future for younger generations (especially for women, people of color, the LGBTQ+ community, and so many more), don't stop fighting to make it a better one.

Unseen Terror 2024: Stream Wars (Days 24-25)

This isn’t exactly a mind-blowing revelation, but streaming services are everywhere these days. I’ve lost count with how many there are now, and every time that I finish typing a sentence, a new one pops up like you just spilled water on a mogwai. Whatever the case, here are three movies (and a television show) that are exclusive to their streaming homes. Of course, I’m sure you could find these via “other” means, but I digress.

 

 

Hulu’s Mr. Crocket came onto my radar recently and much like has happened before, the poster immediately caught my attention. It’s a strange, if not uneven mixture of The Ring and Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood (with some elements of Wes Craven’s New Nightmare thrown in for good measure), where a children’s TV show host is kidnapping kids via a strange VHS tape that makes its way into the homes of fractured families. The biggest praise I can give to this one is that the practical effects and gore are surprisingly very good, and the opening of the film is great, with American Crime actor Elvis Nolasco delivering an amusing performance as the titular villain. As time goes by, however, the movie starts to lose steam because it can’t seem to make up its mind about what tone it wants to stick with. Does it want to be a dark horror-comedy, or a serious story about recovering from trauma and the hardships of being a single parent? The third act in particular is kind of a mess and includes a ludicrous revelation involving a supporting character that feels like an excuse to increase the body count. Still, I’m looking forward to seeing whatever writer/director Brandon Espy comes up with after the dust on this has settled. The talent is there in Mr. Crocket, but I so, so wish the consistency was as well. Maybe see if the guy is down to do a V/H/S segment sometime sooner than later!

 

Up next was Amazon’s horror-themed dessert competition show Killer Cakes. If you’re familiar with any of the more popular cooking television programs like The Great British Bake Off, then you’ll know what to expect here. It’s a miniseries where four teams of two bakers craft and serve cakes that fit the morbid themes assigned to them by host Matthew Lillard (whose status is at the point where his presence can brighten nearly any project he’s in), while hoping that judges Danielle Harris (The Wild Thornberrys, Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers) and Nikk Alcaraz (a YouTuber and cookbook author who I’ll admit I had no familiarity with) will approve of the final products. Honestly, the biggest complaint I have about this was the entire show consists of two episodes. The creativity and fun that went into some of these bakes was quite charming, but I really wish we could’ve seen more. Plus, the more Matthew Lillard the merrier. Anyways, if you miss the fun weirdness of gone-too-soon gems like The Curious Creations of McConnell, this is an amusing watch. 

Unlike…..

 

 

 

Honestly…………………I don’t really feel like reviewing this one. Not because it brought any feelings to the surface that I didn’t already have. Not because it terrified me immensely (calling it a horror-comedy is pushing it). Not because I was left speechless. Not even because I held my head in my hands asking, “why did I choose this of all things to watch?” I don’t feel like discussing this one because I’ve seen a lot of people say it’s a new “comfort” watch for them and I don’t want to hurt any feelings or bum anyone out. I haven’t been an Adam Sandler fan since the early 2000s (save for his roles in the likes of Punch-Drunk Love and Uncut Gems) and I feel like his performance in Funny People was his attempt at breaking the fourth wall by speaking to the audience and saying that he really wanted to stop making dumb comedies…only to follow that up with another decade’s worth of crass, juvenile films made for audiences that really wish they could say that one slur for mentally challenged people again without getting ugly stares from people with a conscience. I’ve gotten tired of the “talk in a funny voice throughout the entire picture” schtick. I’m tired of the cliched “he’s a dumbass but gets the hottest women” trope. All that being said, I’m not in the mood to be terribly negative and ragging on modern-day “Happy Madison Productions” releases isn’t worth the effort. If you get enjoyment out of Sandler’s entire catalog and want something to watch with your preteen kids, then go right ahead and check out Hubie Halloween on Netflix. I am not part of his audience anymore, but I hope you have fun.

 

It's infinitely better than Jack and Jill or I Know Pronounce You Chuck & Larry though. And there is a clever gag about every female news anchor dressing like Harley Quinn.

 

 

 

In terms of who wins this unofficial contest of “best original film” among the three feature-length flicks discussed in this entry, Tubi (surprisingly) comes away as the winner. The horror-comedy Clickbait: Unfollowed is essentially what would happen if you took Squid Game or Battle Royale but made the contestants “influencer” stereotypes. You’ve got the new age girl, the crypto bro, the beauty advisor, and a few more that I won’t fully mention so as not to spoil some of the surprises. They’re invited to a nice house where they discover that they’ve been given a series of tasks where whoever comes in last, is…well, let’s just say “taken offline.” Writers/directors/co-stars Melanie Scrofano & Katherine Barrell (the former you may recognize from the awesome Ready or Not) bring just enough humanity to each of these characters to make them not completely aggravating to be around for ninety minutes, with Roberto Kyle and Ashleigh van der Hoven standing out among the cast (though everyone here is doing a solid job and clearly having fun). I do wish it had been a little gorier, but maybe that’s the sicko in me talking. Perhaps spending too much time with Terrifier 3 and In a Violent Nature corrupted me. Anyways, this is completely free to watch (as is everything on Tubi) and for a “Tubi Original,” it’s a lot of fun!

 

We’ve got less than a week’s worth of movies to watch and discuss now. Time to break out some big guns soon…………to be so eloquent, "È ora di fare un viaggio in Italia e guardare alcune cose inquietanti dei primi anni '80."

 

Unseen Terror 2024: Someone Needs Therapy (Day 23)

The fanaticism for the long running Terrifier franchise is nothing short of fascinating. Exploding in popularity primarily through word of mouth, the gruesome exploits of silent, creepy slasher villain Art the Clown has taken the horror world by storm (whether they’ve embraced it or not is a completely different story), and writer/director Damien Leone’s decision to expand what was once a relatively linear story into a full-fledged one with strong characters is unexpected and admirable. Now arriving eight years after its first full-length entry made its way into the world of modern-day horror (though if you want to count shorts, this is Art the Clown and Terrifier’s 16^th birthday), Terrifier 3 has come to, in layman’s terms, plant high explosives in your chimney. For you see, this marks the movies’ first time outside of the season of the witch and into the time that anyone who’s ever worked in retail before detests with a passion: Christmas!

 

The story picks up immediately after the events of Terrifier 2, where we saw Art (played here once again by David Howard Thornton) get his comeuppance via a satisfying sword decapitation. Turns out that despite getting your head chopped off, you can’t keep a good clown down and, well, he gets better. Now joined by an accomplice in the form of physically deformed, insane survivor Victoria Hayes (a returning Samantha Scaffidi, one of only two performers to appear in every full-length entry of the series), they enter a five-year-long hibernation. When they’re accidentally disturbed by demolition workers, Art resumes what he’s been so good at doing. This time around though, he discovers that he’s woken up during a different holiday, which leads to him grabbing a Santa suit and committing more horrible acts (but now with some X-mas themed flair). Elsewhere, Terrifier 2’s survivors Sienna and Jonathan Shaw are trying to move on with their lives, though the former has been released from a mental health center and is wrecked with survivor’s guilt, while the latter is trying to settle into a life of normalcy at college. It doesn’t take terribly long for the two to discover that perhaps their greatest nightmare has returned, and they attempt to concoct a way to finish him off for good.

 

Let’s get the biggest positive of Terrifier 3 out of the way right now: it is shorter than its predecessor and flows much better than prior installments (though we’re still subjected to some scene lingering here and there). I think this shows Leone’s growth as a filmmaker and understanding the audience a little more. While we’re more than satisfied watching the extravagant and expertly shot murder sequences of these flicks, it’s like watching a “death match” in professional wrestling. There’s a good chunk of people who love the sheer insanity and audacity of it all, but we need a breather from time to time. Speaking of those slayings, to the surprise of absolutely no one, the deaths in Terrifier 3 are chaotically, unapologetically gruesome. For every time that I thought to myself “I don’t think you can top the ‘bedroom’ centerpiece from the second film,” Leone and his crew manage to prove you wrong. If you have any suspicions that Art may have lines he doesn’t cross, then I’d like to point you to a sequence that takes place inside of a mall. Understandably, the movie’s most infamous moment (and what will likely nab it several awards at niche horror-themed ceremonies from the likes of Dead Meat and Fangoria) is a double kill involving a chainsaw that would make fans of 1980s cult favorites such as Pieces very proud and the creators of violent video game series Mortal Kombat blush (side note: NetherRealm Studios, put Art the Clown in your newest game as DLC and watch your sales skyrocket). Simply put, the movie’s kills are like putting Mortician lyrics from pen to screen. In what is perhaps the most pleasant surprise, Terrifier 3 is also a lot funnier than its predecessors. These films were never joyless slogs, but actor David Howard Thornton is really getting a chance to showcase his comedic chops via great body language and little mannerisms that briefly defuse the horrors of what you’re seeing on screen. It’s similar to what we’d see in some of the later-day Elm Street sequels, but with a villain who never utters a single word to the audience.

 

Perhaps the greatest triumph of the Terrifier series above all else though has been the rise of our now recurring heroine Sienna Shaw (played wonderfully by a returning Lauren LaVera). She has emerged from the events of the prior flick with plenty of mental and physical scars, but much like the strongest of horror protagonists (or hell, just film in general), they haven’t weakened her and have made her more alert than ever. It’s akin to seeing the growth of classic horror heroines such as Ellen Ripley or Nancy Thompson, and her performances are the anchor to this gorefest of a franchise. Without going into any spoilers, it’s going to be very interesting to see where her character goes after the events of Terrifier 3, but as long as LaVera and Leone continue to work together, I’m all here for it. Put her in the ‘S’ tier of all-time best “final girls.”

 

At this point in its lifecycle, the Terrifier franchise, for better or for worse, is here to stay and is a testament that you don’t need an astronomically high budget to shock or disturb audiences. They’re very much like that local restaurant that you’ve dubbed “the best *insert food item* in town.” While that statement is a debatable one amongst you and your colleagues, it’s still a very satisfying meal for what they charge. It’s blood-soaked comfort food, and regardless of whether this kind of stuff is your jam or not, I think it’s incredible to see an unrated motion picture top the box office (and to dethrone the highly anticipated Joker: Folie a Deux with relative ease). It’s neat to see things shaken up sometimes. That, and it’s a great big middle finger to that anti-union, “anti-woke” jackass Todd Phillips. If you’ve got the stomach and want a splatterific way to kill two hours, come on down to the clown café again.

Unseen Terror 2024: Generic Serial-Related Pun (Days 19-22)

Movies huh? Anyways, I’d say that if there was any connecting theme between the four films today it would be “notoriety.” I’m basing that off pulling that out of my ass at the last minute because I’ve had bad writer’s block. Anyways, let’s move on.

 

(poster by Thomas Walker)

In terms of longevity, few films have been on the “queue” for Unseen Terror longer than Michael Mann’s Manhunter. I have no legitimate excuse for why it took so long to finally watch it until 2024. Maybe laziness? I mean hell, how did I choose watching every single Hellraiser and Children of the Corn sequel over watching the on-screen debut of infamous fictional serial killer Hannibal Lector? Manhunter stars William Petersen as retired FBI criminal profiler Will Graham, who is dragged out of retirement to assist in the arresting of a new serial killer nicknamed “The Tooth Fairy.” Still mentally scarred following his last case and encounter with a killer (in this case, Brian Cox’s Hannibal Lector), he must confront demons from his past to track down this new, enigmatic force. I’ll admit that it was somewhat difficult to NOT compare this older adaptation of Thomas Harris’ Red Dragon novel to the one that came out in 2002, because in terms of accuracy and faithfulness to the source material, that picture leaves in parts from the book that are absent here. That being said, I’d argue that between the two pieces of film, this is the more stylistically captivating (its use of strong color cues and tinted sceneries are otherworldly), and it’s a more well-made flick in general. The performances from everyone (Petersen and Cox in particular) are triumphant, and with the way that Michael Mann shoots it you feel like you’re just stuck inside some semblance of what once was a more “normal” world. The score of Manhunter is one of its strongest aspects too; Michel Rubini’s sounds are synth-heavy, making the picture feel dated in a good way. Not much can replicate it.

 

Manhunter is a tremendous and superbly underrated flick that I regret not watching sooner. I suspect that there is much more to analyze and take in upon repeated viewings too, which I’ll be more than happy to do over the next few years. It’s currently streaming on Amazon Prime, but if you lack access to that, there are several methods in which you can gain a physical copy of the flick itself.

 

 

I was slightly mistaken when glancing at the poster for 1988’s Jack’s Back, as I was under the impression this would be more like a horror film than what it really turned out to be: a mystery flick with James Spader somehow NOT playing a villain. Hey, I can’t help that I’ve become accustomed to seeing him play a slimeball throughout most of my picture-viewing life. I sure hope he’s a nice fella in real life. The movie stars Spader as one of several people seeking the identity of a person who has begun committing murders on the 100^th anniversary of Jack the Ripper’s first slayings. Without giving too much away, this movie’s biggest twist occurs VERY early on, which while surprising, has been spoiled by nearly every media outlet or movie aggregator (Letterboxd is guilty of this too). I do wish it was a little more “thrilling” or even scary, but there are some moments of intensity and shots of gore that almost made me forget that this is from the same director who’d go on to direct cult favorite Road House a year after this hit cinemas. Overall, it’s a breezy watch, and Spader’s utter weirdness (even as a normal person) and eternal charming nature helps elevate it to the “pretty good” pile.

 

 

 

…. what? Marvel/20^th Century Fox advertised their final X-Men-related piece (or did they? Hyuk Hyuk) as their first foray into the world of horror, so I’m going to say this counts for the list. Besides, I’ve already seen Brightburn, and I’m not in a hurry to revisit that. Anyways, considering the notorious amount of reshoots, delays, edits, and general hell that The New Mutants went through, it’s a miracle that this turned out to be watchable AT ALL. The movie is centered around a group of young mutants (a.k.a. a human that possesses a genetic trait which usually manifests into powers) being held in a secret facility and spending most of their time brooding, squabbling, and acting like less fun versions of the kids from A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors. Something weird comes up and they discover that they’re being held captive to be turned into weapons instead of heroes, and someone seems to be manifesting their darkest fears into reality. As far as characters go, this is a real mixed bag. The cast is full of talented performers like Maisie Williams (Game of Thrones), Charlie Heaton (Stranger Things), and Anya Taylor-Joy (The Witch, Furiosa), but most of the time they’re either trying a bit too hard with tacked-on bad accents (seriously guys, Illyana/Magik is Russian, but she doesn’t talk or act like a racist Yakov Smirnoff) or just saddled with very predictable dialogue. Even if you aren’t a comics purist or X-Men devotee, you can still sense that something doesn’t feel quite right. But how does it fare as a horror film? Well….it has a giant CGI spirit bear that violently mauls some people, and the cast find themselves being terrorized by things called “The Smiling Men,” who look like rejected creature designs from Silent Hill. Also, Maisie Williams can kinda-sorta turn into a Werewolf at will. Sooooooo, there’s that.

 

Honestly, it sounds like I’m being a real cynic but considering that this followed the trainwrecks that were X-Men: Apocalypse and The Dark Phoenix, this is a masterpiece in comparison to those two. I didn’t find myself upset watching this one (though I was occasionally bored), and I’m glad I can finally say that I’ve watched “Marvel’s first horror movie” (the amount of disrespect to Blade by the way…some motherfuckers I swear), but it’s ultimately a big collective shrug.

 

 

 

Seeing as how all the Disney+ Simpsons shorts are the worst thing since the last worst thing ever, I’d rather not talk about this one and just move on. Half a star for Kelsey as Sideshow Bob because I’m a stupid mark.

 

 

The story of Woman of the Hour is perhaps the most “notorious” of the ones I’m reviewing today, and that’s because it’s based on a very real, very odd moment in television that a large chunk of people could have faint memories of; during an episode of old television staple The Dating Game (for you youngins’, imagine a sillier predecessor to Love is Blind), the featured bachelorette unknowingly picked a date with a man who was secretly a serial killer (played by Daniel Zovatto). It also marks the directorial debut of established actress Anna Kendrick, who also stars as an aspiring actress who is coaxed onto the show by her agent because they assume it will lead to television exposure and future projects. There is some loose playing with history here for the sake of crafting a more taut and tense picture, but for the most part it works very well. Zovatto can switch between surprisingly charming and terrifying at the drop of a hat, and I sure hope the guy gets a chance to be cast in some bigger projects. I’d say that the overall message of Woman of the Hour is to please believe women when they say that something seems very “off” about an individual, as you never know how long their creepy tendencies have been prominent and (in this case) how large their body count may be. It’s on Netflix and worth an evening viewing. I’d be very happy to see Anna Kendrick direct a full-fledged horror movie sooner than later now.

Unseen Terror 2024: I'd Like to Stop Coughing Please (Days 12-15)

I’m still sick. I’m so tired of dry coughing (with the occasional bit o’ mucus). That type of stuff tends to suck your energy out. Anyways, let’s get these over with.

 

When assembling this year’s list, adding 2024’s Imaginary was more out of morbid curiosity than anything else. It’s reportedly maintained a firm position on many fans’ “worst of 2024” lists, even though we still have 2.5 months left in the year. After sitting through it myself, I can absolutely see why. The movie centers around a women returning to a childhood home  and her stepdaughter forms a bond with a stuffed bear named “Chauncey” that she finds in the house, and it becomes her close imaginary friend. Shockingly, things don’t go well, and it turns out maybe there’s some nefarious stuff going on with and/or around the bear. Imaginary is a Blumhouse “FUCK YOU, IT’S JANUARY” movie (only this came out in March instead). The dialogue feels like something out of a first draft script, and nobody bothered to tweak anything to make it remotely scary or create any likeable characters (side note: stop writing kids as idiots in horror movies. Save that for when they become delirious teenagers, because it’s slightly more realistic). There is a twist around the midway point that had me groaning through my coughing (along with perhaps the most hilariously stupid line ever uttered by a fictional child therapist) and turned it from a poor man’s Child’s Play rip-off to a poor man’s “every supernatural-based movie” rip-off. The worst sin of them all is that the whole experience is shockingly boring, but given writer/director Jeff Wadlow’s track record, perhaps my faith was misguided.

 

I just want to end that mini-review by stating that I don’t hate Blumhouse Productions at all. When they manage to hit a home run, it’s goddamn great. But when they misfire? Well, it’s uuuuuugggglllyyy. I would like an explanation as to why they chose to have this released to theaters, but previously chose to dump another one of their flicks (the more audience-friendly and joyous Totally Killer) straight-to-streaming instead. Come on guys, what are we doing here?

 

 

Spirit Halloween: The Movie is exactly what I thought it would be: preteens trapped inside of a haunted retail store that basically serves as a gigantic advertisement for the seasonal store chain that seems to pop up in the darnedest places every September. Look, I’m definitely not the target audience for this, but I suppose that if you have young kids who refuse to watch any other “family friendly” horror films pre-2000 (which c’mon, at least try Hocus Pocus or even The Monster Squad if you’re feeling gutsy), then you could throw this on. Otherwise, you’re better off just walking into an actual Spirit store and exploring the products yourself. Very cheeky (if not kind of sad) that this “kids stuck in a haunted house” take is filmed inside of what appeared to be a defunct Toys R Us though. Also, Christopher Lloyd is here. Good to see him still working after the catastrophic picture that was Foodfight!

 

I was a little surprised (and disappointed) to find that 2013’s horror anthology All Hallows Eve is mostly just repurposed and reused footage from director Damien Leone’s shorts that originally introduced modern day slasher Art the Clown to the world of mainstream horror. I also didn’t realize that Art was never portrayed by the same performer for every on-screen appearance he’s had. From what I understand, the original actor Mike Giannelli just wasn’t a fan of the lengthy makeup process that it takes to create the villain, so he chose not to return and has essentially all but retired from acting (though reportedly remains on good terms with Leone & co.). Anyways, the story focuses on a babysitter and two kids who have returned from trick-or-treating with an unmarked VHS tape in their bag. The babysitter puts it on, and we’re subjected to three stories (all of which involve Art the Clown in some way). The first segment is a nonsensical mess that includes a woman being sexually assaulted by a person in a bad-looking Satan costume and another one having their unborn child cut out of their stomach by witches. Sounds nastier than it is, but it’s mostly clunky. The second is a home invasion story with a new homeowner being terrorized by an alien that likely got its entire wardrobe from Party City. The third (and arguably the best) of the segments is the closest one you’re going to get to an actual Terrifier story because it literally IS the original Terrifier short from 2011. It has some nice gore and makeup, but that’s about it. This short’s version of Art seems to be more of an incel too. The whole flick wraps up with a cute “fourth wall break” of a finale, but I’d say that this is only for Leone and/or Art completists.

 

Day 15’s film is technically cheating but considering that you can log the entire shebang on letterboxd (and it ultimately amounts to around 85-90 minutes), I’m throwing it on here anyway. Plus, any chance that I get to finally track down something that eluded me as a teenager is always a pleasure. 1999’s Pet Shop of Horrors is a 4-episode adaptation of the cult favorite manga from the mid-1990s.  It’s specifically what is classified as a “Josei” manga, which essentially means its target audience is adult women (though not exclusively). The stories tend to be a bit more mature, with romance and even horror taking a nice seat up front. Enter Pet Shop of Horrors, a horror anthology that I became aware of upon its initial release date in the U.S. but was never able to obtain for assorted reasons. (a.k.a. I didn’t have enough friends at the time who were also into horror). It’s an anthology story focusing on an eccentric proprietor named “Count D,” and his strange pet shop located in Chinatown, California. Sure, the stylish and soft-spoken D sells your normal birds, cats, and dogs, but for anyone with more “pressing needs” who desires an animal, there are special exceptions. Some of these pets may even appear human, but any interested parties MUST follow the very strict rules applied to said acquisitions. After all, if any are broken, the shop and its owner are not responsible for what happens. The stories range from deranged to tragic, and every episode has involvement by esteemed veterans in the anime field (Ninja Scroll creator Yoshiaki Kawajiri does the storyboard for standout segment “Despair”). Though there is some bloodshed here and there, there’s no over-the-top gore or anything of that nature. It’s just a lot of supernatural weirdness coated with sins and desires. It’s like Tales from the Crypt with a dash of The Twilight Zone and “hosted” by an androgynous shop owner with a sweet tooth for human curiosities (and chocolate!). There’s a fun overlapping story with a cop named Leon who’s been paying close attention to all the strange deaths across the city and his relationship with Count D almost recalls something from the likes of Thomas Harris novels (though in that case we know Harris’ antagonists are killers, whereas D is just…well, a person who sells animals). I haven’t read the Pet Shop of Horrors manga, but I’m quite curious to see how this would have developed over time.

 

If you have an open mind and a taste for horror anime, go watch this however you can. Be forewarned though: the dub for PSoH is TERRIBLE. I’ve defended the usage of dubbing when it comes to anime, but the misunderstanding of this source material means that we get a lot of oafish and loud deliveries, and it changes the eerie nature of the whole thing into something resembling a ‘B’ movie. Just baffling. Maybe just shill out a few bucks for the dual-language DVD or Blu-Ray instead. Or, if we're lucky enough, perhaps we'll see a new, updated remake like we've seen for old anime/manga like Ranma 1/2.

Unseen Terror 2024: Something Something Shudder (Days 5-7)

Writer’s block sucks. Sorry folks. Anyways, let’s get these bad boys out of the way. Apologies if these may seem somewhat short, but I’ve been in a terrible place mentally these past few days and was dangerously close to stopping this for good. Ironic since The Substance reinvigorated my interest in keeping this silly concept alive. For this entry, we’ve got a Shudder-tastic bunch courtesy of……well, streaming service Shudder. Sometimes I can’t come up with clever puns.

 

I’ve had a pretty hit-or-miss history with the (surprisingly) long-running “found footage” V/H/S series. For every segment that hits the mark like a prime Will Ospreay, they have one that misses like vintage David Flair. It’s very rare to find any entry in this franchise that is consistent the whole way throughout their running time. Thankfully 2024’s V/H/S/Beyond may very well have solved that issue, as I feel that there isn’t a single story in here that would qualify as a “stinker” (the wraparound story by documentary filmmaker Jay Cheel is arguably the weakest of these, but still presents itself as being compelling nonetheless) and the “tapes” here seem to have a bit of Science Fiction flair this time around. If I had to rank the segments, I would say that the fourth short titled “Fur Babies” (written and directed by Christian and Justin Long…yes, THAT Justin Long) was the one that stood out to me the most, as its twisted sense of humor and often unsettling machinations (slight spoilers: time spent on the set of Tusk must’ve warped Justin’s brain) presented in the second half were enough to stay in my mind for the rest of the year. Behind that would be the very first story titled “Stork,” a search-and-destroy tale which is written by Jordan Downey & Kevin Stewart (with Downey serving as director). I’m pretty blown away by seeing the growth of those two in particular, seeing as how they gave me one of my least favorite horror pictures in the form of Thankskilling, but afterwards delivered the EXCELLENT The Head Hunter and superb fan film Critters: Bounty Hunter (a.k.a the best thing in that franchise in nearly 35 years). Behind those would be Ben Turner & Justin Martinez’s frenetic skydiving-gone-awry story (the cleverly titled “Live and Let Dive”), Virat Pal and Evan Dickson’s “Dream Girl” (where amateur paparazzi discover more about a pop star in Mumbai than they ever wanted to find out), and Kate Siegel’s extraterrestrial-based “Stowaway,” which is written by her husband Mike Flanagan (Doctor Sleep, Gerald’s Game, and SO many more solid projects). Side note: I had no idea Siegel was from Silver Spring, MD (where I spent half of my years growing up) and grew up in Rockville (where I currently reside). Small world.

 

Overall, I was pleasantly surprised by V/H/S/Beyond. The consistency never really drops, and it highlights some extremely promising filmmakers. Even as someone who is pretty burned out on the “found footage” genre, I’ll almost always check these out until they decide to stop making them.

 

 

 

 

It occurred to me while perusing older reviews on the blog that I apparently missed last year’s annual “Treehouse of Horror” episode from The Simpsons. Seeing as how the latest entry for that has yet to air as of the time of this review, I figured I’d prep myself for it by watching episode 34 on Disney+. Was it worth catching up and taking a quick break?

 

Nope. It’s terrible. Arguably one of the very worst ones they have done since that yearly tradition began back in Season 2. All of these shorts are bad. The first segment is a Snowpiercer parody with Marge jumping into a digital world to rescue Bart while fighting off NFTs. It is utter garbage and serves as further proof that the showrunners need to let Julie Kavner take a bow and finally give her voice a rest. Our second story contains an appearance from fan favorite villain Sideshow Bob (and serves as a parody of the now-defunct Mindhunter series) was perhaps the best of the three, but is still overall weak. This is all the more shocking when you discover that this is a “what if” alternate ending to classic episode “Cape Feare.” The final segment centers on the town of Springfield suddenly being filled with Homer Simpson clones after he consumes a hazardous donut, and his toxic burps cause everyone he encounters to mutate into variations of him. We’ve seen a take on this in season fourteen’s “Send in the Clones,” and (Lemmy I can’t believe I’m typing this) in a friggin’ “FAMILY GUY” episode where Peter Griffin gains the ability to turn everyone in town into Robin Williams. You know your segment is lacking when Seth MacFarlane of all people does a better job with it.

 

Avoid this one if you cherish any good memories of older seasons. In fact, just go re-watch any of those first ten-or-so “Treehouse” episodes instead.

 

 

The nicest things I can say about 2024’s Destroy All Neighbors, a horror-comedy about a struggling musician who accidentally murders the new, eccentric tenant next door, are that I like most of the performers involved (Jonah Ray, Alex Winter, Thomas Lennon, and Kumail Nanjiani), and I’m sure that it was a blast to work on. There’s some fun practical effects work on display as well. But goodness knows why I just couldn’t vibe with this at all. Maybe I needed to watch this with friends or in a better state of mind, as I found that a large chunk of its jokes missed by a mile and after some time, I just said “oh, I’ve seen these bits done better in at least half a dozen other horror-comedies.” Perhaps I’ll revisit this again sometime down the line, but this was the first true disappointment of the season.

 

 

What did NOT let me down, however, was one of this year’s more highly anticipated horror films to make it to select theaters: the slow burn slasher known as In a Violent Nature. Though the slasher genre can feel archaic and stale during these modern times, when you get something that comes along that tries something out of the ordinary such as say, Happy Death Day or the underrated Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon, it is such a sweet treat. Nature’s concept is one we’ve seen before, with a mute, resurrected killer stalking a group of people who may or may not be in possession of something that means a great deal to him. What helps separate this from the pack is that a large chunk of the flick is seen from the murderer’s perspective, and it often moves at his pace. Have you ever wondered what it feels like to walk in Jason or Michael’s footsteps (perhaps literally)? Well, the filmmakers are happy to provide you with that answer. For better or worse, this bloody affair is telling the audience to remain as patient as our villain does, because the payoff is going to be oh-so satisfying. Without going into too many details, I wouldn’t be surprised to discover that most of the people working behind the scenes were unabashed fans of the newest Mortal Kombat video games, because the kills are GRUESOME. In retrospect, I’d say that my only real complaint would have been about its ending, but even then, I feel as though it’s rather fitting considering its somewhat more “grounded” pace.

 

In a Violent Nature lives up to its name, and though it isn’t going to appeal to everyone, I had a remarkably good time with it. It’s mean and unforgiving, but quite rewarding.

 

Anyways, go watch something dope on Shudder. We are really lucky to have it.

Unseen Terror 2024: A Necessary Rejuvenation (Day 1)

Let’s start this annual Halloween blog-o-thon thing with a confession: nearly two weeks ago, I was certain that I wasn’t going to even bother with this year’s foray into the world of “October first time watches.” Without delving too much into my personal life, I have not exactly had the best 2024 so far. Jobless, hopeless, and (in all honesty) unmotivated to continue doing this, I just figured packing it up was the wisest alternative to typing out lengthy reviews of ANY pictures, regardless of whether they could be classified as horror or not. After all, I’m not a professional by any means. I’m just some random schmuck who watches movies and likes talking about them with other individuals.

 

Then I saw the movie I’m going to discuss today. Now, the tentative list was given life again. Because the first entry of 2024’s “Unseen Terror” isn’t just coming out swinging but has possibly thrust its way into my favorite horror movies of this current decade.

Note: Credit for this Poster goes to @sollavee on Instagram

 

The hype around writer/director Coralie Fargeat undeniable talent and potential was exposed to the world with 2017’s “rape & revenge” piece called…well, Revenge. It was an unrelenting, brutal, exciting, and (perhaps most importantly) powerful picture that immediately shot the French director into the discussion of “future masters.” It may have had some detractors who thought it was perhaps a tad TOO bloody, but the potential for a strong, lengthy career was undeniable. Seven years later, Fargeat has dropped her sophomore effort, a body horror entry called The Substance, and cements her status as a modern-day giant. The film stars acting great Demi Moore (Ghost, A Few Good Men) as an aging actress named Elizabeth whose career has, to put it lightly, not been in the best of places as it used to be. After a freak car accident, someone slips her a note containing a USB drive and a piece of paper that simply says, “It changed my life.” Once home, she is informed of a new, experimental drug simply called “The Substance.” After some consideration, she obtains and takes the drug. Like a self-replicating cell, it creates a new, younger version of herself (played by Margaret Qualley of Poor Things and The Leftovers fame). Now nicknaming herself “Sue,” she feels rejuvenated and ready to reclaim the fame that she was losing. It comes with a price though; follow the instructions that come with your package(s) and NEVER break the rules written within.

 

That’s all that I want to give away about The Substance, because this picture goes in directions that nobody could ever expect it to. If Revenge was Fargeat’s twisted take on flicks of yesteryear such as early Wes Craven or Ingmar Bergman’s The Virgin Spring, the director’s sophomore effort is an outrageous, jaw-dropping, satirical, and feminist take on the early efforts of David Cronenberg and Brian Yuzna (with some splashes of Ken Russell and Shinya Tsukamoto thrown in). There's a visual flair that isn't commonly seen in most horror flicks these days (unless you're willing to venture overseas) and is especially a rarity among products in wide releases. The color pallets throughout make you feel as though you're stuck in a fever dream, but when those colors dissipate, you're snapped back to a very cruel, ugly reality.

Underneath the much-discussed insane sequences seen on screen, there’s some extremely effective messages on how society fetishizes young women but tosses aside anyone considered “old.” Specifically, Hollywood has always been guilty of this. Look at the actresses who came to prominence during my time spent in high school. In some people’s eyes, they’d be viewed as “old news,” which is utterly ridiculous and pretty goddamn sexist. Hell, I haven’t even reached the age of forty yet, but some of the people from around my generation are being told that unnecessary surgery is required in order to stay “relevant” or are getting dropped by their jobs because “you aren’t the face we want around here.” This mindset is present in Dennis Quaid’s character, who plays Moore’s arrogant agent (and will never make you want to eat shrimp again in your life), who is almost as slimy as another prominent human being he portrayed this year. Moore and Qualley’s character is the real standout though. No, that isn’t a grammatical error, as it is reiterated several times throughout the picture that they are one singular being. Moore gives perhaps the best performance of her entire career, and I’m hoping that she gets some sort of acknowledgement or award for committing to a project this bold and out of the ordinary. Qualley also continues to prove that she has a damn fine future ahead of her, and I admire the hell out of her commitment to choosing projects that don’t fit the norm of what big studios consider to be “traditional.” Give both women the accolades they deserve.

 

Movies like The Substance keep my love for horror and cinema in general alive and well, and I must give special thanks to every single person involved both on and off screen for crafting such a brilliant, beautifully odd, and horrific look into a world filled with desperation and obsession (in particular, whoever did the makeup and effects work deserves a raise). It stands as not just my favorite entry in the genre for 2024, but one of my favorite films PERIOD for the entire year. I’d say avoid the trailers and go in blind, but surprisingly the trailers give away virtually nothing that you witness in the finished film anyway. If you ever see or read this, thank you immensely Coralie.