Unseen Terror 2024: Post-Mortem Thoughts & Rejects

Ah, it sure was nice to take a small break after dealing with this year’s marathon.......wish I had gone into a full-blown hibernation though after these past couple of days though. Ugh. If I can be perfectly honest, 2024’s Unseen Terror was kind of a pain to put together for a myriad of reasons. I almost scrapped the entire thing because of stress and depression (as well as some condescension from outside forces. I’m not getting into that for personal reasons). I’ve always done this for fun, and if ever there were a time to be noticed by more “noteworthy” publications or anyone outside of people from my personal life, it would have been before the rise of A.I., which I do feel is unfortunately slowly creeping its way into the creative process for both writers and content creators (as much as I enjoyed Late Night with the Devil, the stink of the filmmakers using A.I. will forever tarnish it). I am considering hopping over to the likes of say, TikTok or YouTube or even just promoting Letterboxd (where I’m more active anyway) for future reviews. Hell, I even just signed up for Bluesky the other day (a.k.a. the new alternative to twitter that ISN'T owned by a giant man-child who makes ugly vehicles that frequently catch fire). When it comes to the former two, I’d need better equipment or a phone that isn’t five years old and doesn’t overheat when you try to do anything outside of making a simple phone call. But I digress.

 

Enough of that though, let's talk about the movies. If I had to summarize this year's listing and overall thoughts it would be "fun, but messy." I'd say that Manhunter, Terrifier 3, Eyes of Fire, V/H/S/Beyond, and Hard Candy were the best of the bunch (I would've said The Substance takes top prize, but it was a technically a re-watch so that'd be cheating). I'd also say that Children of the Corn 2009, Cannibal Ferox, FearDotCom, Stuff Stephanie in the Incinerator, and Imaginary were the stinkiest of this year's batch of movies.

Speaking of that, every year there are several flicks that don’t quite make it onto my list but could turn up in future installments. For 2024, these included the following:

 

-Tarot, Longlegs, and Immaculate. While all three have received WILDLY different reactions from audiences and critics alike, I felt as though I had far too many current releases included this time around.

-Stir of Echoes (1999). Considered by many to be one of Kevin Bacon’s most underrated films, I had a surprising amount of difficulty finding it available for streaming…until the marathon concluded, and it was recently added to Amazon Prime. Just my luck.

-Species 1-4 (1995-2007). If there ever were a franchise to go through in its entirety, Species would not be at the top of my list, especially since I’ve already seen the first two films during my teenage years (spoilers: the first Species is dumb fun with a cool monster design by H.R. Giger; the second is just dumb and low key pretty misogynistic). Maybe for some Science Fiction-themed month?

-Tarantula (1955). Another one from the “Fantastic Dinosaurs of the Movies” VHS tape that I’ve talked about several times in the past. I legitimately couldn’t remember if I had already watched it as a kid, so it got cut. Come to think of it, maybe I should just do an entire month’s worth of movies related to that tape. Would Goodtimes Home Video somehow come back from the grave in an attempt to prevent it? Maybe I’m just tired.

-Bed Rest (2022). Dropped at the last minute because I realized that for as much as I love and respect Melissa Barrera, I can’t use her presence as the sole reason for sitting through a film.

-Faces of Death (1978). More of a collection of random death scenes from home-made ‘B’ movies and TV material. Extremely gimmicky and would’ve likely made this list should it have started when I was in high school.

-Jeepers Creepers 1-4 (2001-2022).  I've received requests from a few folks asking me to cover this series, but it's never going to happen. Sorry. The first one is an adequate slasher (until it becomes a monster movie in its third act). The second film is awful. I do not wish to give Victor Salva any further attention because he is a convicted child molester, and I felt like I needed to bathe in Clorox after watching Clownhouse knowing what was happening behind the scenes. Moving on.

-Megan is Missing (2011). Perhaps the most “infamous” horror movie recommended by TikTokers with reception that has ranged from “you know this isn’t a documentary but a fictional film, right?” to “this generation is fucking doomed.” I was not in the mood to sit through this one.

-Slaughter High (1986) and Final Exam (1981), Too many slashers already.

-The Haunted World of El Superbeasto (2009). An animated horror-comedy written and directed by Rob Zombie; I’ve lost count with how many times I’ve tried to finish this in its entirety. I made a swift decision to watch the far superior and decidedly creepy Pet Shop of Horrors instead.

-Subspecies 1-6 (1991-2023). Nah, I’m good.

-Exorcist II: The Heretic. This was dangerously close to becoming the final movie of the marathon, but I was met with more than a few replies of “seriously, don’t watch that” from people in my personal life. It’s regarded as one of the worst movies of all time (directed by someone who didn’t even LIKE the first Exorcist no less). Maybe I’ll watch it one day if I’m in the mood to torture myself or if I'm on my death bed and wish to accelerate the dying process. I wonder if sitting through this film or overdrinking would be more hazardous to my health…

Anyways, that's it. As Gene Siskel and Roger Ebert used to say, "the balcony is closed."

Or at least, for a little while. Peep me over on Letterboxd as Woodshatter1985.

Please take care of one another. Give anyone who is heartbroken and feeling downtrodden a hug. This is a horrible world we live in, but to ensure a better future for younger generations (especially for women, people of color, the LGBTQ+ community, and so many more), don't stop fighting to make it a better one.

Unseen Terror 2024: Penultimate Meddling (Day 30)

Junji Ito’s seminal work Uzumaki (which is essentially a tale of a town being cursed by supernatural spirals that drive them to do very strange and often morbid things) is one of the most respected and influential works ever published in the world of horror manga. The absurd and twisted ideas that come from within that man’s head are unlike anything you’ll ever read, and his artwork is the stuff of nightmares. Surprisingly, there haven’t been a huge number of attempts at adapting his stories to either the live-action or animation realms. There was the Tomie series of films in Japan, the animated Gyo: Tokyo Fish Attack in 2012, and a prior adaptation of Uzumaki in 2000 (among others). Nearly all of them have polarized fans and critics alike, but once a high budget animated adaptation of this was announced in 2019, many people were elated (me included). There were tons of noteworthy names attached to it, including composer Colin Stetson, award-winning director Hiroshi Nagahama, and even noted animation heads Adult Swim (of whom would be directly involved with helping bring it to life). The hype was real…….and then the pandemic happened. Due to an assortment of reasons, Uzumaki wouldn’t see completion and final release until this October. While it was nice to see it finally come to fruition, I almost wish that it hadn’t. Simply put, this is one of the most colossally disappointing pieces of animation that I have EVER seen. For starters, this is only four episodes long. While I don’t have a problem with them condensing some of the story, that discovery had me raising an eyebrow. Then I looked up and saw that Nagahama was only attached as director for the first episode, with another person taking over for episodes 2 & 3 (it should be noted that there is no director listed for episode 4. Is there an “Alan Smithee” for Japan?).

 

It should be noted though that the first episode of Uzumaki is EXCELLENT. It looks beautiful (sticking with the original black and white style from the manga was a great idea), the voice acting is solid, and the whole thing flows so incredibly well. Best of all, it’s legitimately creepy and has an ending that packs a wallop. If you were to air that as a “proof of concept” show and shop it around, I know that someone would’ve picked it up immediately. Unfortunately, the good times end rather quickly, because the drop in animation quality in the rest of the miniseries is SHOCKINGLY bad. It feels static, lifeless, and worst of all lazy. If I can use a “Western” comparison, it feels akin to what happened after the first six issues of The Walking Dead comic book switched artists or when Frank Darabont left after the live-action adaptation’s first season had been completed. You don’t need to be familiar with the medium to know that something is terribly off. Worst of all, it just kind of falls apart by trying to do too much too soon. It felt disjointed and I kept checking the remote control to see how much time was left in the final episode. Saddened (and a little mad), I decided to do some digging around to see what the hell exactly happened. In layman’s terms, it sounds like not only did Covid do a number on the production team’s aspirations and schedule, but that production costs were so high after the first episode that the new management in charge (which may or may not include noted asshole and animation hater David Zaslav) didn’t have any interest in giving them the necessary budget to make anything beyond its first episode look remotely decent. Thus, we’re stuck with this. Creative director Jason Demarco even took to bluesky (aka the twitter alternative not owned by a giant manbaby nazi sympathizer who makes ugly vehicles that catch fire) to express his frustrations with everything that happened (screenshot below courtesy of one Ms. Rain Howard). And I honestly can’t say that I blame him.

 

This is such a complicated mess. As I mentioned before, the first episode of Uzumaki is a real piece of art and a masterclass on how to do Junji Ito correctly. Everything else that comes afterwards, however, is heartbreakingly bad. I’m hoping that those who put in so much hard work when this first got off the ground aren’t completely discouraged by this series’ mixed-to-negative reception and can wrestle themselves away from the likes of Warner Bros. & Zaslav and head to another studio that appreciates the artform and can give them more creative freedom and trust.

Unseen Terror 2024: Someone Needs Therapy (Day 23)

The fanaticism for the long running Terrifier franchise is nothing short of fascinating. Exploding in popularity primarily through word of mouth, the gruesome exploits of silent, creepy slasher villain Art the Clown has taken the horror world by storm (whether they’ve embraced it or not is a completely different story), and writer/director Damien Leone’s decision to expand what was once a relatively linear story into a full-fledged one with strong characters is unexpected and admirable. Now arriving eight years after its first full-length entry made its way into the world of modern-day horror (though if you want to count shorts, this is Art the Clown and Terrifier’s 16^th birthday), Terrifier 3 has come to, in layman’s terms, plant high explosives in your chimney. For you see, this marks the movies’ first time outside of the season of the witch and into the time that anyone who’s ever worked in retail before detests with a passion: Christmas!

 

The story picks up immediately after the events of Terrifier 2, where we saw Art (played here once again by David Howard Thornton) get his comeuppance via a satisfying sword decapitation. Turns out that despite getting your head chopped off, you can’t keep a good clown down and, well, he gets better. Now joined by an accomplice in the form of physically deformed, insane survivor Victoria Hayes (a returning Samantha Scaffidi, one of only two performers to appear in every full-length entry of the series), they enter a five-year-long hibernation. When they’re accidentally disturbed by demolition workers, Art resumes what he’s been so good at doing. This time around though, he discovers that he’s woken up during a different holiday, which leads to him grabbing a Santa suit and committing more horrible acts (but now with some X-mas themed flair). Elsewhere, Terrifier 2’s survivors Sienna and Jonathan Shaw are trying to move on with their lives, though the former has been released from a mental health center and is wrecked with survivor’s guilt, while the latter is trying to settle into a life of normalcy at college. It doesn’t take terribly long for the two to discover that perhaps their greatest nightmare has returned, and they attempt to concoct a way to finish him off for good.

 

Let’s get the biggest positive of Terrifier 3 out of the way right now: it is shorter than its predecessor and flows much better than prior installments (though we’re still subjected to some scene lingering here and there). I think this shows Leone’s growth as a filmmaker and understanding the audience a little more. While we’re more than satisfied watching the extravagant and expertly shot murder sequences of these flicks, it’s like watching a “death match” in professional wrestling. There’s a good chunk of people who love the sheer insanity and audacity of it all, but we need a breather from time to time. Speaking of those slayings, to the surprise of absolutely no one, the deaths in Terrifier 3 are chaotically, unapologetically gruesome. For every time that I thought to myself “I don’t think you can top the ‘bedroom’ centerpiece from the second film,” Leone and his crew manage to prove you wrong. If you have any suspicions that Art may have lines he doesn’t cross, then I’d like to point you to a sequence that takes place inside of a mall. Understandably, the movie’s most infamous moment (and what will likely nab it several awards at niche horror-themed ceremonies from the likes of Dead Meat and Fangoria) is a double kill involving a chainsaw that would make fans of 1980s cult favorites such as Pieces very proud and the creators of violent video game series Mortal Kombat blush (side note: NetherRealm Studios, put Art the Clown in your newest game as DLC and watch your sales skyrocket). Simply put, the movie’s kills are like putting Mortician lyrics from pen to screen. In what is perhaps the most pleasant surprise, Terrifier 3 is also a lot funnier than its predecessors. These films were never joyless slogs, but actor David Howard Thornton is really getting a chance to showcase his comedic chops via great body language and little mannerisms that briefly defuse the horrors of what you’re seeing on screen. It’s similar to what we’d see in some of the later-day Elm Street sequels, but with a villain who never utters a single word to the audience.

 

Perhaps the greatest triumph of the Terrifier series above all else though has been the rise of our now recurring heroine Sienna Shaw (played wonderfully by a returning Lauren LaVera). She has emerged from the events of the prior flick with plenty of mental and physical scars, but much like the strongest of horror protagonists (or hell, just film in general), they haven’t weakened her and have made her more alert than ever. It’s akin to seeing the growth of classic horror heroines such as Ellen Ripley or Nancy Thompson, and her performances are the anchor to this gorefest of a franchise. Without going into any spoilers, it’s going to be very interesting to see where her character goes after the events of Terrifier 3, but as long as LaVera and Leone continue to work together, I’m all here for it. Put her in the ‘S’ tier of all-time best “final girls.”

 

At this point in its lifecycle, the Terrifier franchise, for better or for worse, is here to stay and is a testament that you don’t need an astronomically high budget to shock or disturb audiences. They’re very much like that local restaurant that you’ve dubbed “the best *insert food item* in town.” While that statement is a debatable one amongst you and your colleagues, it’s still a very satisfying meal for what they charge. It’s blood-soaked comfort food, and regardless of whether this kind of stuff is your jam or not, I think it’s incredible to see an unrated motion picture top the box office (and to dethrone the highly anticipated Joker: Folie a Deux with relative ease). It’s neat to see things shaken up sometimes. That, and it’s a great big middle finger to that anti-union, “anti-woke” jackass Todd Phillips. If you’ve got the stomach and want a splatterific way to kill two hours, come on down to the clown café again.

Unseen Terror 2024: I'd Like to Stop Coughing Please (Days 12-15)

I’m still sick. I’m so tired of dry coughing (with the occasional bit o’ mucus). That type of stuff tends to suck your energy out. Anyways, let’s get these over with.

 

When assembling this year’s list, adding 2024’s Imaginary was more out of morbid curiosity than anything else. It’s reportedly maintained a firm position on many fans’ “worst of 2024” lists, even though we still have 2.5 months left in the year. After sitting through it myself, I can absolutely see why. The movie centers around a women returning to a childhood home  and her stepdaughter forms a bond with a stuffed bear named “Chauncey” that she finds in the house, and it becomes her close imaginary friend. Shockingly, things don’t go well, and it turns out maybe there’s some nefarious stuff going on with and/or around the bear. Imaginary is a Blumhouse “FUCK YOU, IT’S JANUARY” movie (only this came out in March instead). The dialogue feels like something out of a first draft script, and nobody bothered to tweak anything to make it remotely scary or create any likeable characters (side note: stop writing kids as idiots in horror movies. Save that for when they become delirious teenagers, because it’s slightly more realistic). There is a twist around the midway point that had me groaning through my coughing (along with perhaps the most hilariously stupid line ever uttered by a fictional child therapist) and turned it from a poor man’s Child’s Play rip-off to a poor man’s “every supernatural-based movie” rip-off. The worst sin of them all is that the whole experience is shockingly boring, but given writer/director Jeff Wadlow’s track record, perhaps my faith was misguided.

 

I just want to end that mini-review by stating that I don’t hate Blumhouse Productions at all. When they manage to hit a home run, it’s goddamn great. But when they misfire? Well, it’s uuuuuugggglllyyy. I would like an explanation as to why they chose to have this released to theaters, but previously chose to dump another one of their flicks (the more audience-friendly and joyous Totally Killer) straight-to-streaming instead. Come on guys, what are we doing here?

 

 

Spirit Halloween: The Movie is exactly what I thought it would be: preteens trapped inside of a haunted retail store that basically serves as a gigantic advertisement for the seasonal store chain that seems to pop up in the darnedest places every September. Look, I’m definitely not the target audience for this, but I suppose that if you have young kids who refuse to watch any other “family friendly” horror films pre-2000 (which c’mon, at least try Hocus Pocus or even The Monster Squad if you’re feeling gutsy), then you could throw this on. Otherwise, you’re better off just walking into an actual Spirit store and exploring the products yourself. Very cheeky (if not kind of sad) that this “kids stuck in a haunted house” take is filmed inside of what appeared to be a defunct Toys R Us though. Also, Christopher Lloyd is here. Good to see him still working after the catastrophic picture that was Foodfight!

 

I was a little surprised (and disappointed) to find that 2013’s horror anthology All Hallows Eve is mostly just repurposed and reused footage from director Damien Leone’s shorts that originally introduced modern day slasher Art the Clown to the world of mainstream horror. I also didn’t realize that Art was never portrayed by the same performer for every on-screen appearance he’s had. From what I understand, the original actor Mike Giannelli just wasn’t a fan of the lengthy makeup process that it takes to create the villain, so he chose not to return and has essentially all but retired from acting (though reportedly remains on good terms with Leone & co.). Anyways, the story focuses on a babysitter and two kids who have returned from trick-or-treating with an unmarked VHS tape in their bag. The babysitter puts it on, and we’re subjected to three stories (all of which involve Art the Clown in some way). The first segment is a nonsensical mess that includes a woman being sexually assaulted by a person in a bad-looking Satan costume and another one having their unborn child cut out of their stomach by witches. Sounds nastier than it is, but it’s mostly clunky. The second is a home invasion story with a new homeowner being terrorized by an alien that likely got its entire wardrobe from Party City. The third (and arguably the best) of the segments is the closest one you’re going to get to an actual Terrifier story because it literally IS the original Terrifier short from 2011. It has some nice gore and makeup, but that’s about it. This short’s version of Art seems to be more of an incel too. The whole flick wraps up with a cute “fourth wall break” of a finale, but I’d say that this is only for Leone and/or Art completists.

 

Day 15’s film is technically cheating but considering that you can log the entire shebang on letterboxd (and it ultimately amounts to around 85-90 minutes), I’m throwing it on here anyway. Plus, any chance that I get to finally track down something that eluded me as a teenager is always a pleasure. 1999’s Pet Shop of Horrors is a 4-episode adaptation of the cult favorite manga from the mid-1990s.  It’s specifically what is classified as a “Josei” manga, which essentially means its target audience is adult women (though not exclusively). The stories tend to be a bit more mature, with romance and even horror taking a nice seat up front. Enter Pet Shop of Horrors, a horror anthology that I became aware of upon its initial release date in the U.S. but was never able to obtain for assorted reasons. (a.k.a. I didn’t have enough friends at the time who were also into horror). It’s an anthology story focusing on an eccentric proprietor named “Count D,” and his strange pet shop located in Chinatown, California. Sure, the stylish and soft-spoken D sells your normal birds, cats, and dogs, but for anyone with more “pressing needs” who desires an animal, there are special exceptions. Some of these pets may even appear human, but any interested parties MUST follow the very strict rules applied to said acquisitions. After all, if any are broken, the shop and its owner are not responsible for what happens. The stories range from deranged to tragic, and every episode has involvement by esteemed veterans in the anime field (Ninja Scroll creator Yoshiaki Kawajiri does the storyboard for standout segment “Despair”). Though there is some bloodshed here and there, there’s no over-the-top gore or anything of that nature. It’s just a lot of supernatural weirdness coated with sins and desires. It’s like Tales from the Crypt with a dash of The Twilight Zone and “hosted” by an androgynous shop owner with a sweet tooth for human curiosities (and chocolate!). There’s a fun overlapping story with a cop named Leon who’s been paying close attention to all the strange deaths across the city and his relationship with Count D almost recalls something from the likes of Thomas Harris novels (though in that case we know Harris’ antagonists are killers, whereas D is just…well, a person who sells animals). I haven’t read the Pet Shop of Horrors manga, but I’m quite curious to see how this would have developed over time.

 

If you have an open mind and a taste for horror anime, go watch this however you can. Be forewarned though: the dub for PSoH is TERRIBLE. I’ve defended the usage of dubbing when it comes to anime, but the misunderstanding of this source material means that we get a lot of oafish and loud deliveries, and it changes the eerie nature of the whole thing into something resembling a ‘B’ movie. Just baffling. Maybe just shill out a few bucks for the dual-language DVD or Blu-Ray instead. Or, if we're lucky enough, perhaps we'll see a new, updated remake like we've seen for old anime/manga like Ranma 1/2.

Unseen Terror 2024: Quack You Ryhan (Day 11)

It dawned on me while assembling this year’s marathon that for the day when I grew one year older, I had nearly run out of film choices to watch from 1985. I’ve covered nearly all the heavy hitters (most of which I adore). Hell, I could have just cheated and listed off my favorite “Treehouse of Horror” episodes instead, but that would require more time than I expected. So, I decided to go back to the well of a country whose contributions to scary cinema rarely disappoint me: Italy! Specifically, I wanted to watch something that had been in my queue for several years and that would make me squirm a bit. Thankfully Lucio Fulci’s 1982 cult favorite giallo The New York Ripper (originally titled Lo squartatore di New York) was there to welcome me with bloody arms.

 

The plot is your basic “detective looking for a serial killer” trope, but what helps separate this one from the pack is just the all-around weirdness, ugliness, and brutality of it all. When your movie opens with a man playing fetch with his golden retriever, only for his dog to ignorantly bring back a decomposing, severed hand, you know that this isn’t going to be a simple procedural or anything you’d see on CBS evenings. For starters, this movie is super sleazy and grimy. Admittedly, I haven’t been to New York City in more than twenty years, but this movie dives into the darker and more “sensuous” side of the big apple that I’m sure some people reading this may not want to admit exists. There ain’t no Broadway Musical highlighting, but apparently in the world of The New York Ripper, you can attend live sex shows. So, there’s that! The violence is also unrepentantly BRUTAL (as is usually the case with Fulci), with our titular killer brandishing only a switchblade and straight-razors. If you know anything about Lucio Fulci (whose other works include bangers such as The Beyond, Zombie, and City of the Living Dead just to name a few), then you know there is also bound to be some eyeball violence thrown into the mix too, so brace yourself for that. There's also a memorable sequence involving a broken bottle that can be best described as "something you don't see every day."

But while the slayings seen on screen will certainly stick in your mind for a very long time, it’s the very odd (if not slightly jarring) decision to have our titular slasher constantly quacking at their victims while harassing and ultimately eviscerating them. I couldn’t fully tell if that was meant to be genuinely intimidating or if it was meant to be a parody, but I suppose that if you put yourself in the shoes of the people being stalked, it can be a bit disorienting? Even after laying out my rough draft for this, I can’t fully tell whether to put this into my list of “positives” or “negatives,” because it is just so peculiar. One genuine complaint I DO have though is that while the film does manage to do a surprisingly good job at keeping you guessing as to who the killer is (even after a moment that makes it seem SUPER obvious), there is a twist in its final act that comes in from out of NOWHERE that had me audibly asking why that needed to be there. It just kind of blindsides you with unnecessary exposition.

 

 

Lucio Fulci is an “acquired” taste, and The New York Ripper isn’t really an exception to that. It’s gratuitous, mean, and unsavory. I also think you could make an argument that it’s slightly misogynistic too unfortunately (his other contemporaries like Dario Argento tended to write stronger female characters). Still, flaws and all, I really had a ball with this one. If you have the stomach for it and want a nice heap of some blood-soaked cheese, throw this into your queue. As of the time of this review, it’s currently available to stream on Shudder and Tubi!

Unseen Terror 2023: Destroy the King's Crops (Days 20-23)

Work sucks. Sorry y'all.

I feel like I owe whoever reads these posts an apology: despite my (not actual) best efforts, I will NOT be able to finish the entire Children of the Corn franchise this year. As it turns out, there seems to be some unseen forces at work because the second adaptation (if we're talking about full-length films) of Stephen King's short story, which premiered on the SyFy Channel back in 2009, is unavailable to stream ANYWHERE. Hell, even the reliable archive.org doesn't seem to have any link to the darn thing. The only way to obtain a physical copy is to purchase a Region 2 Blu-Ray...for SIXTY DOLLARS. I'm unsure as to how much money went into making the picture itself but given the downward spiral of this godawful franchise, I'd bet money that you make your own Children of the Corn film for that same amount. So, perhaps another day.

Nah, probably not. Anyways, let's move on to....

.........Children of the Corn. The 2020 adaptation.

*sigh*

I did approach the newest entry in this exhaustingly long franchise (filmed in 2020 but delayed for three years thanks to various reasons and/or Covid-19) with an open mind. After all, this was being promoted as a soft reboot and you've got a decent writer/director this time around in the form of Kurt Wimmer. Wimmer's body of work is a fascinating one. He only has four directing credits to his name (his best film arguably being Equilibrium), but a LOT more when it comes to writing. Heck, just glancing at his Wikipedia page shows he has three remakes under his belt (Point Break, Total Recall, The Thomas Crown Affair), and even though those weren't all warmly received, there's always a chance this could be a hit.

Then again, sometimes there are just properties that are beyond help, and no matter what fancy coat of paint you try to use on Children of the Corn, it just seems destined to be a putrid mess. The plot of this is more akin to that of a pre-make (ala the 2011 version of The Thing) than a straight-up remake. The only things this feature shares with all preceding entries in this series are corn, creepy kids killing adults, and being set in Nebraska. Oddly enough, the film doesn't seem to offer much in the way of religious fanaticism this time around, and seemingly wants to focus on how small towns can sell out to bigger companies by receiving a crop subsidy. Or something like that. Though I'm open to new ideas, the manner in which this is executed is pretty laughable. The film seems intent on making the adults look like the evil ones this time around, so when the killings begin, suddenly you (and lead actress Elena Kampouris) are supposed to do an immediate 180 and side with them again. It's just kind of a mess.

I'll give credit where it is due though: in terms of casting, this features some folks who I hope will go on to star in bigger and better pictures. The aforementioned Kampouris has the makings of a good scream queen if she chooses to pursue it, and lead villainess Eden (Kate Moyer) is the best baddie we've had in these movies since The Final Sacrifice. Yes, she can occasionally chew the scenery, but she seems fully aware of what this is. Everyone else is fairly forgettable though, and that's the worst thing you can be in a bad Children of the Corn flick. For what is unforgettable (and unforgivable) this time around is the laughably bad CGI and decision to finally give us a "real" look at He Who Walks Behind the Rows. Without going into too many spoilers, I'll just assume that someone in the creative department snuck into 'B' movie company the Asylum's offices late at night and stole their concept art for "that one tree guy from Marvel but made of stalks." Bafflingly terrible, and I can't imagine how much worse it looked on a big screen when it received a very brief theatrical run this year (the first entry to go to cinemas since Part II).

My viewings of films released during this year have been very limited, but I'll go on record in saying that I doubt I'll see a worse flick than this in the horror genre for 2023. It isn't the very worst Children of the Corn picture, but even by its lower-than-low standards it's VERY bad. Currently, it's streaming as an "exclusive" for Shudder, but please watch literally anything else on there. They're very nice people over there with an excellent catalog of movies to choose from, but not everything warrants a watch.

Remember when I briefly alluded to the 2009 Children of the Corn film being (technically) the second FULL-LENGTH adaptation of King's short story? Well, that's because I made the very strange discovery while assembling this year's list that there was a short film that preceded 1984's Children of the Corn by a whole year, but due to the name rights being snatched up so soon, wasn't legally allowed to call itself that. 1983's Disciples of the Crow is a fairly straightforward handling of the source material, though with a microbudget and some slight alterations. For example, this is set in Oklahoma rather than Nebraska, and the characters of Malachai and Isaac are nowhere to be found. The lead characters are also far more irritating, which if memory serves me correctly was also the case in King's short story. Points for authenticity?

Anyways, it runs for about twenty minutes and isn't that bad. Not required viewing, but it's up on YouTube for those who are curious.

And since we're speaking of YouTube...

Three years ago, I watched and reviewed the rather infamous fan favorite film Phallus in Wonderland, starring everyone's most feared and beloved interplanetary conquerors GWAR. The Antarctica-based madmen are truly one of a kind in the world of musical entertainment, and it's easy to forget just how much stuff they've delved into besides releasing full-length albums and murdering every living being with a Wikipedia page. For example, I wasn't aware that there wasn't just one picture Gwar produced and starred in, but several. Skulhedface was released around the same time that Gwar's fourth album hit the shelves (the brilliantly titled "This Toilet Earth") and was reportedly considered for a theatrical release. However, the MPAA deemed that it could never be released as anything other than NC-17 and since it was far too graphic to edit down to an 'R' rated film, it just went straight to VHS instead.

The plot is...well, how do you go into anything Gwar-related without making yourself giggle just a bit when typing it out? Our beloved "Scumdogs" are hosting a telethon wherein people are being offed and fed to appease the creature known as the "World Maggot." If they offer enough sacrifices to the beast, there is a chance that Gwar would finally be able to leave this godforsaken dumpster fire of a planet. Elsewhere, an evil media corporation known as "GlomCo" has taken notice of these events and decide to bribe Gwar's manager (Sleazy P. Martini) into selling the group out to make Saturday morning cartoons. To nobody's surprise, this doesn't go well, and soon the band comes face to face with a dastardly being known simply as Skulhedface.

Still with me?

Look, this is exactly what you think it is. It's debaucherous, immature, gross, and loud. So, in other words, if you're a fan of Gwar (like me) you'll be quite content for the entirety of its hour-long running time. Also, getting Sebastian Bach of Skid Row and Jello Biafra of The Dead Kennedys for small parts is brilliant casting. It's currently streaming on YouTube.

Thought we were done with Stephen King, eh? Well, it turns out I had completely forgotten that 2017's Gerald's Game had been sitting in my Netflix queue for several years with no reason as to why it never left. Hell, damn near everyone and their mother had been discussing it and I just kept replying with stuff along the lines of "yeah, I'll get to eventually." Well, what better time than after I've been beaten over the head with cornstalks and soaked with alien fluids?

...erm, anyway.

The plot for Gerald's Game is centered on married couple Jessie and Gerald (played by Carla Gugino and Bruce Greenwood respectively), who rent an isolated lake house for a romantic getaway. In an attempt at spicing things up in their love life, Jessie agrees to take part in some "kinky" roleplaying, which leaves her handcuffed to the bedposts. Initially Jessie plays along with her husband's idea, but then grows uncomfortable with this "fantasy" that Gerald seems to have, and after a heated argument, her husband suddenly drops dead from a heart attack. Trapped to two bedposts and with seemingly no way to free herself, Jessie has to devise a way to escape all while battling not just dehydration, but inner demons and hidden trauma.

Like a lot of King's best works, Gerald's Game can take something so simple (though not without potential of terrible consequences) and make it the most nightmarish scenario possible. Being stuck in an area and environment that she's unfamiliar with (and which is surprisingly claustrophobic), you truly feel scared for Jessie. I've long been a champion of Carla Gugino (Sin City, Spy Kids, The Haunting of Hill House) as an incredibly underrated actress, and she might be giving the performance of her life here. Bruce Greenwood (Thirteen Days, Star Trek) also plays an equally good part of what makes this work so well, delivering a slimier performance than expected considering that the "real" Gerald (not a spoiler!) dies quite early in the film. Truth be told, there isn't a single bad performance in here whatsoever, but it really is Gugino's time to shine here, and she knocks it out of the damn stadium. Give the woman her damn flowers. Perhaps if there was one complaint I have about Gerald's Game, it would be the very odd and jarring final ten minutes or so, which unfortunately adds fuel to the fire of King's critics who say that he can't quite write a proper ending without something preposterous occurring. I can't say that I disagree with that statement either, and the more I thought about it, the more it does hurt this film's potential as a future "re-watch."

The final few minutes aside, Gerald's Game is absolutely stellar. Great acting, great tension, and a very faithful adaptation of a very underrated (and often thought unfilmable) book. As stated above, it's streaming as a Netflix exclusive.

Did I mention that it's also the first film this month to make me actively wince and elicit a genuine "oh good lord no?" 

No? Well, it did.

Unseen Terror 2023: Ich Fühle Mich Unwohl (Day 18)

 

You know, I've been doing this silly little marathon for over a decade, and it takes quite a bit for a film to truly get under my skin. More often than not, most of the pictures on here that end up with recommendations receive such accolades because they could be categorized as "fun." But then you get those flicks that truly make you feel like you need a shower and have you questioning if you really truly do love horror movies. More so, you adore them yet are afraid to actually be scared yourself. It is very rare that something genuinely disturbs me or leaves me at a loss for words. It's happened with stuff like Ken Russell's The Devils, Kim Jee-woon's I Saw the Devil, and the often-overlooked Belgian movie Man Bites Dog. Tonight's viewing, 1983's Austrian "home invasion" movie Angst, is going to be a very hard movie to talk about. The fact that this picture is loosely based on the real-life killings by Werner Kniesek only amplifies its cruelty and vile nature. It's a deeply uncomfortable watch that feels like it's punishing you for staying along for the ride.

Coincidentally, it's also a fan-FUCKING-tastically made feature with one of the best lead performances I've ever seen in a horror movie and some brilliant camera work that despite being forty years old, outshines pictures with astronomically higher budgets. The plot is very simple: we follow an unnamed psychopath (played by Erwin Leder of Das Boot and Underworld fame) as he is released from prison in what feels like "real time." From the very moment we hear his voiceovers, we ARE this character though. Every little moment feels like we have been locked into his mind and aren't sure where the key is. Starting with internal monologues about two women at a diner who he almost immediately decides that he wants to hurt (but doesn't pull the trigger) and eventually leading to him committing unspeakably evil deeds at a random house he decides to break into. It's that very rare examination of a psychotic human being that forces you to experience every awful impulse, every outburst of paranoia, and every impulsive decision of when one decides to take the life of his fellow man.

The camera work by Polish filmmaker and award winner Zbigniew Rybczynski is just in a league of its own. Pulling and twisting in a manner befitting of its very evil main character, it adds to the ice-cold nature of the picture. I truly don't think that this movie works without it. The acting, as hinted above, is perfection as well. Nothing over-the-top whatsoever, with Leder giving a performance that could shake the core of even the most hardened of veterans. None of the supporting cast are officially given names either, but it's irrelevant. After all, we're along for the (horrific) ride, and I doubt he'd even care about what their names were before he'd consider killing them. The on-screen murders, while most likely outshined over the years by the gratuitous nature of slasher pictures, are filmed in such a manner that it hurts far more seeing how they're carried out, not by how "insane" they are.

Earlier today, I wasn't sure I would even feel comfortable writing about Angst. With how awful the world has been as of late and how incredibly depressing it's been on social media, I felt like the energy has been drained from my soul. I had to tough it out though, because I did have to remind myself that this is just a movie after all. It's unlike anything I've seen recently and will likely go down as one of the most deranged, animalistic flicks I've seen in the entire history of "Unseen Terror," but simultaneously one of the best. I'd highly recommend it for those who can resist or tolerate its cruel nature, but don't say I didn't warn you. Currently, it's available for streaming on Tubi and you can even find some good rips of it on YouTube (including a Blu-Ray rip with director Gerald Kargl's commentary, whose career this likely destroyed).

Unseen Terror 2023: Rotting Crops (Days 9-10)

 *sigh*

I didn't fully anticipate returning to this fucking franchise so soon, but I'm going to be rather busy over the next couple of days. Thus, these have been bumped up in the watching order for the marathon. Seeing as how these films aren't exactly setting the world on fire, it's easier to just get these out of the way now rather than later.

Regarding the seventh entry in this franchise, Children of the Corn: Revelation's core plot is nearly identical to that of the previous picture. Swap out a missing mother for a missing grandmother, place a majority of the film inside of a dingy apartment building, and reduce the budget to something that looks like it would be easier to make on an iPhone.........an ORIGINAL iPhone. On the plus side, there is a scene wherein our heroine (who is thankfully nowhere near as idiotic as Part 6's was) runs into two of the atypical, mute creepy children at a convenience store and shows them how to play The House of the Dead. Why you'd be encouraging kids who already have murderous looks on their faces and who never speak to learn how to hold and wield weapons properly is beyond me, but it did make me nostalgic for that Arcade classic. Heck, watching a playthrough of that video game on YouTube would likely produce more excitement than the entirety of this flick. Also, we have Michael Ironside popping in for approximately five minutes as a priest and his presence is always appreciated (he's also the best Darkseid across all media depictions of the fictional villain. Do not argue with this).

I suspect that the "revelation" in Children of the Corn: Revelation is that apparently this is the first film in the franchise to feature nudity but seeing as how I'm not a prepubescent kid anymore, this ultimately means nothing in the long run. Oddly enough, the actress who bares most of everything (Crystal Lowe) has a weird connection to yesterday's entry: both her and Carrie (2002) co-star Chelan Simmons played ditzy best friends in 2006's Final Destination 3 and are both burned alive in tanning beds. Far from a perfect flick, but infinitely more watchable and competent than this pile of garbage.

Children of the Corn: Revelation is bad, cheap-looking (we're talking PlayStation 1-levels of bad computer graphics/CGI) , and dull as shit. Heck, it doesn't even have an overly boisterous, adolescent preacher as is seemingly customary for this series until its third act, and even then, he's overdubbed beyond belief. It's junk. Let's move on.

Over ten years had passed since the release of the dismal Children of the Corn: Revelation and Dimension Films were close to losing the rights to the franchise. Therefore, Part 8 of the series (subtitled Genesis) was rushed into production and spat out from the depths of hell to torment any individual who has yet to consider self-immolation as a way to avoid covering these movies. They also released it under their "Dimension Extreme" line in hopes that it would garner further attention. Said line covered multiple genres, including animal-related horror (Rogue, Black Sheep), horror-comedies (Teeth, Feast II & III), absolute nightmare fuel (Inside), sex comedies starring actors who should have known better (Extreme Movie), and infamous misfires (DOA: Dead or Alive, Hellraiser: Revelations). I could be here all night recanting tales of how many of these studios employed this tactic around this time period, but suffice to say most of those flicks are either collectors' items now or buried somewhere in a Big Lots warehouse. This is all to say that the 8th entry in this franchise (save for a remake/new adaptation of the short story released on SyFy two years prior), despite featuring leads that seem to have decent chemistry, a smaller scale, and a mercifully short running time, is ultimately a waste.

Perhaps the greatest of sin of Genesis is how badly rushed it feels. If you were to tell me that this script was laying around Dimension's offices and it was picked out for a slight retooling, it'd be hard not to believe you. The same thing was prevalent with another Dimension-owned property: Hellraiser. A large chunk of that franchise's sequels were never originally written as Hellraiser films, but with a couple of tweaks here and there, they were dumped onto home video just so they wouldn't run the risk of losing the cenobites to someone who genuinely wanted to make a great movie again (I still haven't seen the 2022 update, though I imagine it can't be as catastrophically bad as Hellworld). Because of that, so little time is dedicated to what even makes the prior entries...well, I suppose I'd say "popular" with its fans. For starters, no kid preachers. Hell, this film barely features any children whatsoever. A majority of its running time is spent watching our heroes (a young couple who seek shelter after their car breaks down) argue with one another, with the late Billy Drago and Hostel's Barbara Nedeljakova chewing the scenery like it's fresh tobacco. Perhaps more baffling is the lack of actual cornfields to be found (unless you count the one seen in actress Kelen Coleman's dream). As lowbrow as this series can be, those are two staples of the series that have to be present. It's like having Jason Voorhees battling campers outside of Camp Crystal Lake or Freddy Krueger without the sweater and dream sequences.

God help me I just lectured these filmmakers about how they're doing the Children of the Corn series incorrectly.

Not much else to say. I'm fairly disappointed in myself that this is the final film I've watched as a 37-year old sad sack who spends too much time on the internet (though it is somewhat fitting). Let's hope better things are on the horizon for this marathon and for the next 365 days in general.

Unseen Terror 2020: Day 8

Alright, now that the detour known as The Car has come and gone, let's finish what we started shall we?

2006's The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning is (to nobody's surprise) a prequel to the remake from three years prior and also marks the final time that the world of Leatherface and co. would be handled by the likes of New Line Cinema. The plot centers on two brothers and their girlfriends who are driving across the country to have some fun before they enlist in the Vietnam war. One small mishap involving a biker gang leads to them having an accidental encounter with the Hewitt family and, well, you can just guess how everything goes from here. 

Unfortunately this is where Beginning's biggest problems lie: a lot of just feels so predictable and familiar. Even some of this movie's biggest twists and reveals lack the impact that they should have, and the fact that this film serves as a precursor to the 2003 film means that we know that nothing major is going to happen to any of the returning cast. And my goodness are the origins behind some of these "mysteries" just utterly lame: was there really a demand to know how the old guy in the wheelchair lost his legs, or that Leatherface used to work in a slaughterhouse? It just feels so unnecessary, as if the filmmakers wanted to attempt to spice things up a bit rather than just deliver another substandard slasher picture. Nice try, but it missed the mark for me. Beginning is also so intent on showing the audience how "mean" and "brutal" it can be that it comes across as forced and obnoxious. It can't be coincidental that this Chainsaw entry was released right after the success of flicks like Saw and Hostel, which ushered in the "torture porn" genre (side note: I REALLY hate that term), because more than ever before it loves to linger and focus on how much physical damage can be done to a human being while they are compromised or constrained. There is a sequence where R. Lee Ermey has the two male protagonists tied up while he physically and psychologically torments them, and despite the best efforts from the actor I found myself honestly getting bored by the whole affair.

There are plenty of positives to be found in this new (old?) Texas Chainsaw entry though: the cast is surprisingly solid, with Jordana Brewster making for a fine heroine and the aforementioned Ermey turning in a (mostly) wonderful slimy performance yet again as Sheriff Hoyt. Truth be told this was one of the few situations where even when I disliked a movie overall, I liked every protagonist and was genuinely sad when any of them died. Chalk that up to either deceptively good actors or me being extremely empathetic. The kills are also fairly well done, though I have to wonder if the filmmakers or writers know how a chainsaw actually works. Eh, that's horror logic for you though.

There isn't much of a reason for The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning to exist. It doesn't excel in any particular area, it wants to mislead you into thinking that being "brutal" is the same as being "scary," and outside of some grisly deaths it just doesn't make for a very memorable experience. For all of the flak that films like Next Generation and TCM2 got, at least they had personality and had something to tell your friends about. For all the problems I had with the remake, it's still infinitely better than this and seems like it was made with more respect for the source material. For me, this was just another mediocre slasher "origin" story that was best left on the cutting room floor.

Of course, there are still two more flicks to go. Perhaps I'll ease up a little once those are knocked off...

Unseen Terror 2020: Day 5

I'll admit that I wasn't planning on knocking out my mandatory "kaiju" flick this early into my yearly marathon, but I figured that a quick break was sorely needed before I dived back into the Texas Chainsaw franchise (specifically the remake and its ilk). There was one major problem however: as widespread and numerous as the "giant monster" genre might be, I was running out of pictures to watch. Hell at this point in 2020, I now own physical copies of nearly every Godzilla or Gamera movie on VHS, DVD, or Blu-Ray (which is something I thought would never happen due to the insanity that is licensing properties with Toho and Kadokawa). Luck would happen to be on my side though via the free streaming service known as Tubi. If you haven't checked them out before, there are some seriously good hidden gems on there from every genre you could think of. In this case, I discovered the 1996 oddity known as Zarkorr! The Invader.

The plot revolves around an average schmo named Tommy, who receives a visit from a pint-sized lady during an average evening of watching cartoons after he has clocked out from his Postal Service job. She warns him of a terrible beast named Zarkorr that has recently been unleashed on Earth, and that Tommy is the one who is destined to stop him. Naturally he has some trouble believing all of this, but all it takes is one glimpse at the news on TV to convince him that he isn't going crazy. With this new task in mind, he joins up with an attractive cryptozoologist and a random policeman in hopes that he can find out exactly HOW he can stop Zarkorr. 

Zarkorr! The Invader comes to us from the oh-so-kinda reliable Full Moon Features, who have blessed the horror community over the decades with stuff like the Puppet Master series and Prehysteria! (a favorite of mine as a kid). This was one of two pictures released under their "Monster Island Entertainment" label, which I'm guessing they thought would be more thriving considering how popular the kaiju genre is. Unfortunately, the giant monster movie genre was in a strange place at the time. Godzilla was dead and Gamera was experiencing a (GREAT) revival overseas that wouldn't hit our shores for a few years. Full Moon themselves had mostly been relegated to the realm of straight-to-video, but that doesn't mean they'd stop trying to make some mindless fun once in a while. In that regard, Zarkorr ALMOST works. The titular monster doesn't get a great deal of time on screen, but he certainly has a nifty look to him (amusingly enough, his roars are that of the Tyrannosaurus from Jurassic Park) and his scenes of rampaging are charming in their nostalgic simplicity. He fares a lot better than the human cast though. Our leads range from irritating to dull, with the only really likeable one of the bunch being Torie Lynch's "Proctor," and even then she disappears from the film after the first ten or so minutes. She plays the aforementioned valley girl-looking tiny advisor who basically explains the entire plot of the flick to Tommy before deciding that she doesn't need to be in the movie anymore.

If you're thinking to yourself "this doesn't sound particularly scary," then you are correct. This was an honest-to-Lemmy mistake on my part, because unlike old school monster pictures such as the original Gojira or Them!, there aren't a great deal of horror elements to be found in Zarkorr! The Invader. It has more in common with weekday afternoon programs like Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers or weekend evening shows on Nickelodeon (I'd say you could show this to your kids but there are some random curse words thrown around and some sexual innuendo). That all being said, it isn't a terribly....uh, terrible movie. It runs for about eighty minutes, has a fun monster, and a fantastically cheesy end credits song. And trust me when I say, it's far less offensive than other Western productions like the American version of Varan or The Giant Claw.

Unlike the latter however, I don't know if our titular monster is "as big as a battleship."