Fantastic Four (2015) Review

While working on creating a teleportation machine, young scientific prodigy Reed Richards is scouted, and eventually recruited by, the director for a research institute that specializes in bringing out the best in gifted minds. After meeting the director's children Johnny and Sue, along with another star student named Victor, the group begins working on a larger, more accurate version of Reed's invention. When the experiment is a success, they are thanked, but not given the rights to venture into  the new worlds that could be discovered along the way. Going out of their way to disobey their elders, the men of the group, along with Reed's childhood friend Ben Grimm, partake in a "test run" to an unknown planet, wherein they encounter something far more dangerous than they expected, and, upon a very explosive return, will alter them in more ways than they could have ever imagined.



Not too long ago, I wrote a review for Marvel's Ant-Man, another new entry in the realm of cinema with a rather troubled history when it came to being completed and released to the general public. When you consider the problematic production and all other things that could have sank the Peyton Reed-directed flick, I thought that the final product was rather exceptional. It balanced humor and action without falling on its own face, while standing tall as a rather solid installment in the very overcrowded realm of superhero-based motion pictures. Ant-Man was proof that you can still overcome the odds and come out on top.


Which is why it honestly does break my heart that the 2015 reboot of comic book legends Fantastic Four is as bad as it is, making for a compelling argument that perhaps the "first family" of Marvel Comics just aren't meant for success on the silver screen. At the very least, they won't find true happiness until they are put into the hands of writers and executives who understand and care about the team, or better yet, much like their wall-crawling friend, they are released back to the world of the Marvel Cinematic Universe.


If you're unfamiliar with this rather odd lot, the two elements that make this team at the end of the day are very basic: fun and chemistry. All of the team's powers make them unique as individuals, as do their attitudes and quirks. Sure, Whiplash star Miles Teller does actually manage to get Reed Richards down relatively well, as the character is a bit egotistical, bordering on being a jerk (one child in the film even flat out says "You're a dick," which may have been improvised so that Teller could remember who he was playing). Hell, even Friday Night Lights star Michael B. Jordan and Jamie Bell of Billy Elliot fame (yes, he was the title character) are halfway decent as Johnny Storm and Ben Grimm. However, if you go back to the latter element that I mentioned in my first sentence, there is not a single trace of magic to be found between any of our main stars. None. You don't get the feeling that these people could be friends outside of this wildly dangerous scenario that they happen to be a part of. True, the Fantastic Four of the comic books could also fall victim to family turmoil, but they balanced it all out by still caring for one another in the end. Oh, and if you're wondering why Kate Mara (House Of Cards) as Sue Storm has been omitted from this paragraph until now, it's because I'll be happy to write a fair critique or evaluation of the lady after she wakes up from the sleepwalking that she called a performance.


Moving on to the former element, that which we have dubbed "fun." If you read a mainstream comic book, be it related to this property or not, you are expected to have a good time. If it means reading something wonderfully weird such as Scott Pilgrim, or even something as insanely misanthropic as Crossed, you are glued to the pages that you hold in your hand. Look at recent big screen displays such as Mad Max: Fury Road or John Wick for the film equivalent of such things. When one's definition of fun in Fantastic Four is watching a video of The Thing beat up someone while working for the army, but not actually seeing him do it as it is happening, then you may to reevaluate your decisions in the screenwriting department. By the time that we get an honest-to-god real battle with supervillain Doctor Doom (which isn't until the final fifteen or twenty minutes), too much time has passed with the characters having spent most of it moping and doping around, not acting like superheroes or even giving any indication that they could ever become one. Boring, tedious, and meandering are too kind of words to use for the setup for this sequence. Oh, and if you had a disdain for Marvel's previous portrayals of the Latverian overlord, you had better hope that you're chewing gum when (or if) you see this picture. You may grind your teeth into dust out of frustration without it being on hand.


While on the way home from this screening, I kept telling myself that while Fantastic Four was certainly not very good, it wasn't awful. I did sit through the previous installment with these characters, and found it to be gutter trash. After all, most of the acting is fairly decent, as is the first ten minutes with Reed Richards and Ben Grimm's first time meeting one another as children. If you get past the fairly dated-looking computer effects, it isn't that offensive to look at either. Was the review embargo for this warranted? Did it deserve the overwhelming amount of negativity flowing towards it as if the movie itself was a magnet? It took me approximately twenty five seconds to determine the answer to these questions: OH. FUCK. YES. When even your own director (Josh Trank of the excellent Chronicle fame) comes out and says that this is not the vision he initially had, then you are in serious trouble. There are fragments of a great motion picture in here that you can feel are just dying to come out should Trank have been given better control and not been forced into rewrites and reshoots. But at the end of the day, the final product isn't exciting, isn't funny, and worst of all, just isn't wholly memorable. If you absolutely have to go to your local cineplex this weekend, I'd advise you to find a way to sneak inside and watch the trailer for 2016's Deadpool, and then leave before Fantastic Four begins. There's a good chance that you'll leave happier and more enthused about your weekend than if you ever paid to watch this one hundred minute-long fecal waterslide.



I'd also suggest bringing a flask so that you may take swigs every time that Kate Mara's hair changes from brown to blonde due to poor editing. Then again, I don't want any of you to die from alcohol poisoning.

Unseen Terror 2014: Day 2

Three years have passed since the "Judas Breed," a newer scientifically-designed brand of insect created to combat rare diseases, grew to an immense size and began to hunt down humankind, their only true threat. While initially thought to have been completely eradicated in an underground explosion, entomologist Remi Panos, comrade to Judas Breed creator Susan Tyler, theorizes that some of these bugs may have survived after all. Worse yet, the strand may have begun to evolve and take on new characteristics, including the ability to physically resemble human beings.


No, that tagline listed on the home video is far from being accurate. At all. There are numerous ways to get rid of what essentially is a giant cockroach with sharpened legs and the ability to use them as weapons. Fire and guns do wonders.


Now that I've gotten that little bit of misleading garbage out of the way, I'm quite certain that Mimic 2: Hardshell (a subtitle that I'm convinced was only inserted to attract Netflix viewers since I can't seem to find it on many other releases of the film) is hardly the type of end result that Guillermo Del Toro, director of the previous installment, would have ever imagined would occur after his noted box office disappointment was released in 1998. If they chosen to subtitle it "Halfshell," and the movie had been about the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles contracting rabies, then maybe the end result would have made for a better experience.


Alix Koromzy reprises her role as Remi Panos, the best friend to Mira Sorvino from the first film. It was nice to see a familiar face return, but to be honest, she was barely familiar to someone like myself. The lady is nearly unrecognizable, and it wasn't until the very end that I recalled her being in Mimic at all, especially since she only had about ten or fifteen minutes worth of screen time in Del Toro's picture. It's the equivalent of if Danny Cooksey's character from Terminator 2: Judgement Day was cast as the lead in a future sequel. By no means is she an unsympathetic character, but the problem with Remi taking center stage is that she is almost too weird for her own good. While complaining about being an "oddball magnet" earlier on, she proceeds to go on a date wherein she does absolutely nothing but talk about the reproductive cycle of assorted insects. Look, I'm the furthest thing from a casanova, but just because you're passionate about something out of the ordinary, doesn't mean you should bring it up during dinner conversation. There's a reason that I won't gush about Godzilla films to most women that I meet. Koromzy could have gushed more in scenes outside of this one though, since she seems to resemble and channel a zombified Cynthia Nixon whenever she has to act or read important lines.


She's joined by a kid who loves to do hoodrat stuff with his friends, and a horny ex-student who seems like he took all of his cues from the cast of The Outsiders, but forgot to add any interesting traits outside of those to help him stand out. They find themselves holed up inside of a school (which at one point contains an all-too-brief appearance from character actor Jon Polito), and the film turns into a copy of the previous installment, with the trio to survive until help arrives or the school if fumigated. Which itself was a ripoff of certain events from Alien & Aliens. This comparison isn't necessarily a bad thing, because hey, if you're going to steal from another franchise, it might as well be from a good one, but it doesn't establish an identity for itself (tell me that the final twenty minutes isn't similar to Ridley Scott's picture and I will argue with you for approximately sixty seconds).


I feel like I haven't taken any time to discuss the Judas Breed bugs themselves though. They're certainly more bloodthirsty this time around, and they product a higher body count than GDT's previous film did. The special and visual effects behind some of the creatures do look admirable, at least when you consider that this went straight-to-DVD. It almost makes you forget that there's an abundance of that dreaded early-2000s CGI scattered throughout as well. Up close, they look fairly impressive, and you can see that there was some level of respect retained from the original. But then, the new plot twist takes effect, with the breed learning how to wear human faces (seriously) and the movie just kind of takes a sharp nosedive because of it. Mimic 2's conclusion also inspires way too many unintentional laughs, with the final prop and act committed to said prop make it look like something out of a Gwar show.


Without spoiling too many other plot elements, I can sum up Mimic 2 in one "Simpsons" quote: "Aww,  so that's what's wrong with the little fella: he misses casual sex." You do the thinking yourself there. Despite a few bright spots here and there, you can pretty much hit this one with a can of raid and stick with the first film, which while being far from perfect (shameless review link here), was infinitely more enjoyable and at least had the message of not trying to play god or misuse science.

Young adult Marvin, one of several survivors of the infamous disease that spread throughout Manhattan children in 1998, spends his day holed up in his room due to an intense sensitivity to chemicals in the environment. In order to help fight the threat of boredom, he takes numerous photos of his surrounding neighbors from his apartment window. Over the course of several days, Marvin and younger sister Rosy take heed of several disappearances around the surrounding area, including those of whom Marvin has photographed before. Through investigation, the siblings discover that the culprits may have a truly frightening connection to the young man's past.


From the opening scene of a child being brutally murdered by a cloaked, killer bug, I was under the assumption that Mimic 3: Sentinel was trying to go for more cheap thrills and be another generic nature-gone-amok motion picture. But then I glanced at the cast list, and saw far more familiar faces than I ever thought I would. My confidence that perhaps quality could be delivered from this second, and most likely unneeded sequel, had risen ever so slightly.


Mimic 3: Sentinel should truthfully be called Rear Window: Now With Bugs! It's far from an original concept, and is even more blatant with paying tribute to superior directors and pictures. But like I said above, if you're going to rip somebody off, you might as well take it from someone with talent. It does actually boast some Hitchcockian themes, including the idea of toying with the audience during pivotal segments, and choosing to build to a shock rather than rush things. But that's the last time you'll ever hear me bring up that legend's name in a review about a flick which features a man getting stabbed in the face who still manages to fire off a shotgun several seconds later, and yet does no damage despite landing a clear headshot himself.


The slower pacing of the third film is both its greatest asset and its biggest downfall. Writer and director J.T. Petty, who would go on to direct the pretty darn great The Burrowers (shameless review link number two here) has no doubt that he wants the audience to care, and root for, its heroes and protagonists. He accomplishes it better than I expected him to, but outside of Marvin and his sister Rosy (who you may identify from Broken Flowers), there are far too many expendable secondary ones who serve as nothing but food for the bugs. Even Amanda Plummer, playing Marvin's mother, and Lance Henriksen, playing a withdrawn and mysterious neighbor only nicknamed "The Garbageman," don't serve much of a point, as they're both in the movie for about ten to twelve minutes apiece. Because of this, the final act feels like an afterthought, speeding to a conclusion that felt like it was written on the day of shooting. Mimic 3: Sentinel also boasts a running time of seventy seven minutes, which is criminal for a movie such as this. Even the bugs themselves, which are hidden by terrible lighting (or lack thereof), don't get much screen time until the final act. How this film cost ten million dollars to make is flabbergasting to me, especially since the terrible CGI from Mimic 2 seems to have been carried over to this installment as well.


I would have been more than happy to give J.T. Petty's sequel a recommendation had the wrap-up not been so rushed (plus the film doesn't conclude as much as it just…stops), and the film had added a good twenty minutes or more to its running time. As it stands, Mimic 3: Sentinel is only decent enough to warrant an afternoon viewing out of sheer boredom and desperation to kill time.



Or if you have a secret desire to see Honey Pie from Pulp Fiction get stabbed by a giant bug and then set aflame.



Tomorrow, we're taking a break from the bugs and picking up some hot, new toys with Annabelle!

Unseen Terror 2014: Day 1

And lo, it arrived. A day unlike any other. A day which would begin a marathon of nearly forty motion pictures associated with the genre that perturbs and bothers most of humanity: horror. It is a journey that very few would ever choose to partake in.

Except for a pretty darn good amount of people on the internet. Such as James Rolfe. And Chuck Dowling.

Eh, screw it.

I'm in my fourth year of doing this. Yes, I'm as surprised (and slightly disappointed) as you are. Over the years, I've felt that this has become slim pickings for me, at least in terms of providing quality entertainment for which to write about. Still, the advent of streaming sites, assorted video hosting services, and good books will always help keep my interest piqued and my passion fiery. So let's dive in, shall we? And for those of you who are new to my yearly tradition, I say welcome! I always welcome feedback, comments, and your own thoughts.

In the small town of Santa Mira, California, doctor Miles Bennell has been receiving an unusual amount of strange complaints and calls from patients, all based around the same peculiar observation: the claim that their loved ones aren't themselves. Though they may still physically resemble the same individuals, the emotions of these people are seemingly stagnant. Some initially dismiss it as "mass hysteria," but the good doctor has his reservations. Soon, he slowly unravels a horrifying extraterrestrial-based plot that aims to replicate and replace every human being in the world.

My first exposure to this now-classic science fiction/horror piece came from two different, although eerily similar sources. First, there was the Looney Tunes short "Invasion of the Bunny Snatchers," which you can still watch at this link. The second was a short from the comic books based on "The Simpsons" entitled "Immigration of the Body Snatchers," which you can read at your local comic book shop…hey, I was a weird kid, okay? Either way you slice it, I was very familiar with the original source material, although I had never actually sat down to watch it in its entirety.

Which is a damn shame, especially considering how well and still effective a movie like Invasion of the Body Snatchers really is. For starters, it is brilliant in its simplicity. The idea of all living creatures, be they bipedal homo sapiens or other specimens, being replaced by soulless, emotionless, and "blank" aliens, is a concept that could truly worry any rational-thinking person on the planet. If you were absolutely convinced that such an act were occurring, but felt that nobody would listen to you and that there was no easy way out from this madness, wouldn't you too go a little mad? Invasion plays exactly like an old serial, or even an old short from a comic book. Oddly, neither of those provides the source material for this particular film (that belongs to the novel The Body Snatchers by Jack Finney), but head honcho Don Siegel, later of Dirty Harry fame, directs this script (adapted by Daniel Mainwaring) with an honest-to-god seriousness and overwhelming sense of paranoia, and it isn't hard to see why it is held in such high regard all of these years later. Oddly enough, the movie was primarily shunned upon its release, which I can only assume was due to the abundance of "heebie jeebies" films being released throughout the decade.

While Siegel is certainly a good director, and composer Carmen Dragon (yes, that's really his name) weaves together a pretty outstanding score (keep an ear open when watching the Looney Tunes homage I discussed above), I feel like one of my main gripes lies in something that has just always been a pet peeve of mine. Invasion of the Body Snatchers' acting can be quite hokey at times, even if a large portion of it is mostly confined to parts of the first act. Don't get me wrong, Kevin McCarthy is FANTASTIC as Dr. Miles Bennell, and Larry Gates and King Donovan (how badass of a name is that?) are enjoyable as two of his confidants who discover this horrible breach in their mostly-secluded community. The others? Well, Dana Wynter is a classic 1950s beauty, but I thought she could have expressed a little more emotion here and there (I'm not enough of a scumbag to make a joke in relation to the title), primarily because of her decision to take on the pivotal role of Bennell's ex-girlfriend who is stuck in the middle of this horrible conspiracy after returning home to discover her cousin's uncle acting rather odd himself. I'm sorry if it sounds blasphemous, but while I certainly respect an immense amount of actors and actresses from this time period, most of their methods and performances just don't seem to click with me the way that some of the more prominent roles from the mid-60s and onward do. Besides, Wynter's American accent begins to slip towards the end. And I'm a real nitpicking jerk when that type of stuff happens.

My assholery aside, the original Invasion of the Body Snatchers is one of those stories that can stand the test of time and be told, updated, or reinterpreted while still never losing its primary themes or failing to creep out the audience. Its message on the fear of conformity, especially in a post-war period or tragic timeline, or even the grievances of disgusting tactics began by McCarthyism (which in short, is a form of witch hunting through defamation) can resonate with most cinephiles. There's also the metaphor of sleeper agents lying in wait to get us when we are at our most vulnerable (perhaps the fear of falling asleep played one of several influences on a young Wes Craven), which can still be felt today with such shows as The Americans and movies like Captain America: The Winter Soldier. Most importantly, you could also choose to just view it as a good science fiction story, and enjoy it all the more (though I personally could have done without the seemingly forced prologue and epilogue). After all, they've only remade this THREE FRIGGIN' TIMES since its release, though you can probably skip the last of the three mentioned.

And heck, I don't think that the title "The Capgras Delusion" would have helped garner as much attention anyway.

Tomorrow, we're going to make things slimy, as I begin a brief foray into the realm of bugs (and sequels!) with Mimic 2!

Under The Skin (2014) Review

During the evening hours in Scotland, a young, attractive, and all-around mysterious English woman peruses the streets in her van. She is browsing for innocent and handsome young men, whom she will take back to her apartment after much conversation and seduction. While there, the men are lead into a darkened abyss, leaving nothing behind but husks. Over time, the woman begins to develop a conscience, with many observations and assorted future encounters shaping her into something that she wasn't fully aware that she could become.


Throughout all of my years as a film fan, and even more so from doing this blog that you're kind enough to take your time and read, I've never developed an interest in "art" films. While I can wholly respect them and their intent to try and push the boundaries of cinema, very few, if any, click with me on a personal level. Even so, that isn't to say that I don't admire some directors. For one, I think Paul Thomas Anderson (Boogie Nights, There Will Be Blood, Punch-Drunk Love) could arguably be defined as an "art" director of motion pictures, and nearly all of the movies he has directed are just phenomenal. There are also assorted pictures from the past fifteen years, such as Oldboy, Memento, and even Drive which could be classified as variations of "art" films. However, if you had told me that music video director Jonathan Glazer, whose filmography is rather minuscule (go see the criminally underrated Sexy Beast and thank me later), would be a prime candidate for a future art film master, I wouldn't have necessarily called your bluff.


Mind you, this is far from anything that I'd call masterful, or any synonym for the word, but it is a really damn interesting piece of cinema. If your only knowledge about Under The Skin comes from the reports of Ms. Johansson baring all for the very first time, then you're only looking at the icing on the cake and ignoring the body of the cake itself. What Under The Skin the motion picture actually is, in essence, is a peculiar science fiction concept whose pace (slightly) harkens back to a myriad of European-based pictures like Don't Look Now. It ends up encompassing a mixture of thoughts, ideas, and observations of what it ultimately is that makes humanity so unique and diverse, and perhaps that maybe, despite all of our strengths and fallacies, we're nothing significant whatsoever. Or maybe it's just a slow, bizarre nonsensical piece about one woman that can't quite figure out her place in our messed up little world. I could see and hear out either opinion and not argue against either.


One thing I admired about the choices for Skin's (microscopically small) cast of characters was the decision of director Glazer and casting head Kahleen Crawford to largely utilize real people on the streets of Scotland instead of "trained" performers. Yes, that does mean these men were legitimately picked up in a van by Scarlett Johansson and were only informed of their actual roles in the movie afterwards. It's a concept that I have to admire, and it works to fairly good effect. What wasn't entirely believable was our lead actress' British accent, and while I think Scarlett is a tremendously talented woman, this just seemed like she studied how to do one within less than a day. Not necessarily bad, but just a bit on the disappointing side. The minimalistic score provided by musician Mica Levi is used only for the most crucial of moments (save for a surprising inclusion of PRIDE FC standout song "Sandstorm"). Cinematographer Daniel Landin, himself a veteran in the realm of working with music videos (the guy collaborated with legendary experimental group Throbbing Gristle) does an exceptional job as well, especially when you consider what Scotland used to be buried underneath so many years ago.


Though wavering at times towards the pretentious side of things, especially in its latter half when Johansson mostly falls silent and it does move at a snail's pace, Under the Skin will either leave you fascinated or frustrated, and more than likely, it will be a combination of both. Though a revisit is necessary for someone like myself, I still haven't completely made up my mind on the overall final product. At the time of this writing, I'm leaning towards a recommendation solely because you haven't seen anything like this so far in 2014, or perhaps may not see anything like it next year either. I myself will probably seek out the book that it is based on, unless I can find it in audio form. And besides, it's nice to see the wonderful Scarlett Johansson choosing more interesting projects these days.



Then again, I still have to type up a review for Lucy within the next few days. *sigh*

Transformers: Age Of Extinction (2014) Review

Several years have passed since a grandiose and destructive battle between the alien races known as the Autobots and the Decepticons ravaged the city of Chicago. Despite the constant defense of humanity, the surviving Autobot units are now being tracked down and destroyed by the Central Intelligence Agency, aided by a new, mysterious transformer named Lockdown. In a small Texas town, a frustrated inventor discovers a rusty and beaten up semi, and takes it in to his barn, hoping that he can disassemble the vehicle and sell the parts in order to help put his daughter through college. The vehicle soon reveals itself to be fabled Autobot leader Optimus Prime, who soon teams with the humble Texans in order to discover the truth behind these huntings, and what involvement the government has.


Oh Transformers, I've had such a strange history with you. I never grew up on your original run in the 1980s, and have still never finished your famed animated motion picture starring the voices of Eric Idle, Orson Welles, and many other respected actors and actresses who were most likely ashamed of having a film about warring giant robots on their acting resumes. Still, given my childhood obsession with all things Dinosaur-related, I loved and adored the concept of the Dinobots, and this lead to one of my favorite animated series and toy lines of the 1990s: Beast Wars, a show that I will still defend to this day, even if its animation is noticeably outdated. In recent memory, I've barely given a pass to your 2007 Michael Bay-helmed relaunch of the same name, though I can not feign enthusiasm for the sequel that you unleashed upon this world. While I skipped your third entry (the rather amusingly titled Dark of the Moon), I figured that a free ticket (thanks to a mixup with the 3D screening of Maleficent) and some available time could be an amusingly dumb way to pass the time, especially since your trailers and television spots highlighted the introduction of said Dinobots…..Alright, enough of this way of speaking.


As eloquent and nostalgic as I may sound above, there are no words that in exist in the human vocabulary to describe what Transformers: Age of Extinction truly is. Off the top of my head, I can think of a small handful within one minute or less: craptacular, shitty, vile, stupid, obnoxious, moronic, and excruciating. You can feel free to tell me more later if you choose to. If it is comparable to an inanimate object, I'd liken it to a birthday cake made entirely out of diarrhea. If you're wondering if the series could sink any lower than the reprehensible, juvenile, and racist Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen, it is difficult to debate. I have been struggling to hold my composure and not type "FUCK THIS MOVIE" repeatedly until I lose consciousness. Alas, I have to try and type something coherent for the small amount of you who read my blog, even if this "movie" is anything but.


Starting off, as far as the non-robotic side of the film goes, I won't spend too much of my valuable minutes talking about the wastes of time and failed creations that they attempt to call "human beings." In recent years, Mark Wahlberg has proved that he can actually step up to the plate when given the right project, but when he's spouting off one-liners and sentences that would make Schwarzenegger cringe, you wouldn't know it. His acting is on par with his now-legendary job in M. Night Shymalan's The Happening, and Shymalan may be relieved to know that he is now free of the dishonor of having concocted and directing Wahlberg's worst performance. Nicola Peltz might be relatively easy on the eyes, but with how quickly she decides to age, her resume declines steadily, and going from The Last Airbender (hey, that's TWO M. Night movie references!) to this is shockingly a downgrade. I also found it slightly creepy that her character is stated to be a mere seventeen years old, and yet the cameras are fixated on as many slow motion sequences and closeup shots as possible, with a stronger emphasis on placing her in rather skimpy jean shorts in the latter half. Director Michael Bay and the three individuals in charge of casting have lifted heavily from the dreaded and lambasted "Big Book of Character Stereotypes." There's the boyfriend with a heart of gold, the tough, older father figure who spends nearly half of the picture arguing with said boyfriend about him dating his daughter (Wahlberg playing Peltz's dad is just plain laughable), the evil scientist with a semblance of a conscience (poor, poor Stanley Tucci), the evil government officials, the smart British scientists, the military douchebag, the sassy, loud black woman, and many more that I couldn't even count on several surrounding hands. It certainly hurts the movie when every surrounding person has to chat and deal exchanges that will only appeal to the lowest common denominator. Its most blatantly offensive depiction comes in the form of the Chinese, who may just attack us after all when T4 opens overseas after this jingoistic piece comes to all areas of the globe. If you're into this type of thinking and find something relatable in these characters, then good for you. Anyone else with no tolerance for this form of laziness will hope that the aforementioned folks are beaten to death with barbed wire baseball bats.


One of my biggest complaints about the Bay-formers pictures lies in the fact that once out of vehicle mode, you can barely tell most of the Autobots and Decepticons apart from one another, since they all just look like giant, metallic messes with the occasional different color scheme (this is especially true for the second film in this franchise). True, if they had used a majority of the designs from the original series, it would have looked even sillier, but it's bothersome nonetheless. In this entry, Michael Bay and his team of helper monkeys with thinking caps have done a fairly commendable job of making most of the Autobots look distinctive, but it comes with a small price. For once we meet his merry group of mechanical minions, they are either painful stereotypes or irritating eyesores. There's the Japanese samurai (who they were kind enough to give squinty, slanty eyes), the gruff army commander (sadly voiced by John Goodman), the rogue, English bad ass who won't say no to a fight, Brains, a miniature robot who can transform into a Notebook when not imitating an older, jive African American, and Bumblebee. Yes, I forgot that he had such a prominent role since the first film and onward, and that for some reason, they decided to re-scramble his voice box after it was fixed at the end of the original Transformers (which leads to a scene with M.C. Hammer's "Can't Touch This" that almost made me walk out of the theater). And before you say anything, yes, I did touch on stereotyping in my previously-written paragraph not even two minutes ago. While I applaud your decision to pay attention, Michael Bay doesn't give a damn about what you think. He has to ruin all of which is involved with Age of Extinction, especially with what you paid to see. The action sequences, despite being flashy and relentless, lack a certain amount of soul to them, especially after the bar has been set so high within the first six months of this year. Even more depressing is the manner in which he portrays the MacGuffinbots, who seem to have suddenly taken over the bodies of my beloved Dinbots. Admittedly, I do admire the redesigns that they went with (until they transform out of their beast modes), but every single one of them serves absolutely no purpose in this picture and could have been replaced with literally any other character, be it Transformer or human. I wouldn't be shocked if they decide to shoehorn characters from Beast Wars or the rather massive being known as Unicron into the fifth motion picture solely for the hell of it.


Speaking of shoehorning, I haven't seen this much blatant product placement in a movie since….well, ever. I'm not oblivious to the fact that you have to make your money back somehow and promote this latest entry to those outside of your general Trapt and Avenged Sevenfold-listening crowds, but was there really a need to have multiple, BLATANT shots. mentions, and advertisements for Bud Light, Beats Electronics, My Little Pony, and Red Bull? It doesn't take a genius or anyone with even the slightest bit of legitimacy in the movie reviewing business to see that this is shameless on the part of the director and Paramount Pictures. Age Of Extinction clocks in at nearly three hours long, and given it's meandering and attempt at character development (notice that I said "attempt"), this length feels more like a chore to sit through, and it will cause several patrons to check their watches or cellular phones to see when the whole experience will finally be over. Whether this is due to prior obligations or just plain boredom I'm not quite sure, but either are acceptable answers. Bay also has the audacity to lift and steal from superior projects released in the last decade, including The Matrix (the mercenary Lockdown is poor man's cross between Agent Smith and Elysium's Kruger), The Avengers, and both of director Neill Blomkamp's full-length science fiction epics. Initially, I didn't want to jump to conclusions and call the man a hack, but he leaps into this category with gusto and not a care in the world, further establishing himself as the Maxim Magazine of Hollywood blockbusters.


Transformers: Age of Extinction holds the (now) distinct honor of making me question everything that I'm doing with this hobby. Mind you, it isn't in some sort of philosophical or existential kind of way, but more in a "stop spending your money, be it free, earned, or stolen on utter garbage" kind of way. If I see a motion picture worse than what I just suffered through any time this year, I may have to duct tape a shotgun to my head and blow my brains out. If this leads to an influx of more toy lines being adapted to film, or worse, a pentalogy (Extinction ends on a cliffhanger coupled with dialogue that makes some of the writing for WWE resemble the work of William Shakespeare), then I'll strap a bomb to my chest, board a flight to California, take acid, and run into the nearest movie studio that I can find. In fact, for those of you taking the time to read this: if you encounter any living person who says that they genuinely and/or enthusiastically enjoyed Transformers: Age of Extinction more than any other recent releases, please hit them in the head with a large rock and throw them into a river. The human race will be better off without these mouth-breathing knuckle-draggers around.




Or just stab them repeatedly. Either way works fine.

Godzilla (2014) Review

In 1999, a strange, unexpected radiation accident occurs in the city of Janjira, Japan, annihilating a large chunk of its populace and the nuclear physicists working at its plant. Fifteen years later, survivor and former employee Joe Brody repeatedly attempts to convince his son that something is being hidden by forces at hand and the scientific powers that be. Within no time, two prehistoric monstrosities dating back to as far as 1954 emerge, and commence a tour of destruction around the globe. With the fate of the world and continuance of life on earth at stake, the military and scientists hope to lure the two separate beasts into battle with one another, hoping that man's ego will not be its undoing, and that the lesser of two evils is not truly evil.


As previously discussed in last year's review for the big-budget (stateside) bomb known as Pacific Rim, I am an avid, lifelong fan of kaiju eiga, which is very roughly translated to "giant monster films." In retrospect, Guillermo del Toro's love letter to the multiple niche worlds of my childhood was very fun, but not without very noticeable flaws. I was worried that in the United States, the interest for films of that nature had waned, especially since Pacific Rim was soundly beaten out at the box office by the strongly-maligned Adam Sandler-led abortion known as Grown Ups 2. Thankfully, the interest in director Gareth Edwards' reboot of the longest-running monster movie franchise seemed rather strong, and the addition of television stars like Bryan Cranston (Malcolm in the Middle, Breaking Bad) and soon-to-be megastars like Aaron Taylor-Johnson (Kick-Ass, Nowhere Boy) and Elizabeth Olsen (Martha Marcy May Marlene, The Avengers: Age of Ultron) has stirred up more buzz than even I expected.


When it comes to the Godzilla franchise, the biased nerd in me can't hide the fact that most of the characters that don't tower over others by a sizable amount (i.e. the people squabbling among one another) are largely unmemorable, save for those in the original Gojira or arguably some in the latter installments from the Heisei or Millennium eras. True, they weren't necessarily terrible, but having horrendous dubbing tacked onto a good chunk of these performances didn't help matters, and could cause one to be extremely hesitant to even watch these flicks in their original Japanese formats. Thankfully, Max Borenstein, a relative newcomer to the movie business, puts together a fairly competent script with some standouts in the human realm. Even if he was the choice for "Best Actor" at the Japanese Academy Awards on two separate occasions, Ken Watanabe has always been a fairly underrated performer to me, and he turns in a pretty respectable and honest performance as Dr. Serizawa, one of the men unintentionally responsible for the events and catastrophes that unfold throughout the film. And before you ask, no, he is of no relation to Dr. Serizawa from the original Gojira. Stealing the show, however, is Bryan Cranston, who even with limited screen time, does a bang up job as Joe Brody, and he looks like he is genuinely invested in his character. Sadly, Aaron Taylor-Johnson and Elizabeth Olsen, who are both fine performers in their own right, don't have the greatest amount of depth to their characters of a husband and wife caught in the middle of the ensuing chaos, and it ends up being one of the weaker and more two-dimensional points of Borenstein's finished draft.


But I sincerely doubt that you're here to read about the human beings that were cast in this picture. You're here for the big, bipedal, grey and/or green guy and his newfound opponents. Well, I'm happy to report that Godzilla himself is more than adequately done, and in some ways, even puts previous iterations of the famous monster to shame. With an exponentially larger budget at hand, the King of the Monsters looks quite menacing, with scaly, darkened skin to match his lengthy tail and newly bulbous frame. This redesign, however, has enough of his original look intact to not alienate purists, and there is one very important trait that is also present, but the for the sake of spoilers, I will say nothing further. He is also HUMONGOUS, towering over nearly any creature that I've seen in recent memory, no matter the film genre. His nemesis for the film, the surprisingly well-explained creature named "Muto," is also a welcome addition to the franchise, looking akin to a combination of Godzilla 2000's villainous Orga, the titular insect queen from Godzilla vs. Megaguirus, and the well-hidden horror from Matt Reeves' Cloverfield. When the two behemoths clash, it isn't so much a fight as it is a monumental showdown between two forces of nature, and the battles that come about are, to put it lightly, freaking awesome, leaving the spectators below breathless and even eliciting occasional positive actions like applause and cheers in the right theater (they did in mine). Worth noting is the additional help from noted motion capture actor Andy Serkis (The Lord of the Rings trilogy, Rise of the Planet of the Apes), and his consultation breathes life into these quarrels that steer them away from the underwhelming or unrealistic departments. Well, as unrealistic as a giant monster movie goes at least.


I imagine that the largest problem Joe/Jane Schmo will have with Godzilla will lie in its decidedly selective use of the title creature himself. Without spoiling any chunk of the film's layout or plot, Godzilla doesn't make a full-bodied appearance until a decent amount of time of the motion picture has passed. This may draw the ire of some impatient attendees who want to see nothing but relentless fighting, but I actually commend this method and decision. With this, Godzilla doesn't just feel like another creature thrown into the mix and foray, but rather like something exceptional that you should strongly pay attention to. With every single moment, be it for several minutes or the entirety of the final act, you are in awe of his presence and your eyes are glued to the screen. It's a parallel to the technique of more calculated filmmakers to not overdo anything, because overexposing your main threat or creation lessens the overall impact. This "flooding" idea was admittedly a small problem that I had with Pacific Rim and a large problem with the 1998 American reboot of Godzilla. Then again, there are more problems with the latter than even I can find, and it could take up several posts if I chose to talk about that…..thing in further detail.


The newest, and hopefully not last entry in the realm of the creature nicknamed "The Big G" is not a perfect film, but I had real difficulty picking out any particular flaws or superfluous moments. Gareth Edwards and his group of merry men and women deserve a high five or a round of drinks for taking the giant monster movie formula and trying to concoct something fresh and unique, while still sticking true to its roots and beginning ideas of anti-war and the horrors of man. Further than that, there are a plethora of homages to established trademarks and popular series moments that long time admirers will be able to pick up with careful examination. If you're a fan of Godzilla with thoughts of doubt or hesitation, I'd be hard pressed to not recommend this to you. If you're a casual moviegoer, I still think this makes for a wonderfully fun time, no matter the time or format you choose to see it in. Hell, I was even willing to ignore my apathetic attitude towards 3-D pictures, and chose to make this my first IMAX experience, which was something I did not regret, and it can enhance the enjoyment even further, as it truly captures the size and spectacle of the entire story. Perhaps with the release of Godzilla and Captain America: The Winter Soldier, this year might not be too shabby for big budget bonanzas after all.




Then again, we are getting a fourth entry in the Transformers franchise. Oy vey.

The World's End (2013) Review

Twenty three years after failing to complete a massive pub crawl known as "The Golden Mile," a group of friends reunite in their hometown, hoping to once again attempt the near-impossible feat. Taken aback by how odd the townsfolk are acting, and by their eerily calm demeanors, the group discovers that everything is not what it seems in their childhood abodes and pubs. After a scuffle at the fourth bar, they scramble to survive among a town seemingly taken over by mechanical or alien invaders. 


Edgar Wright is a fascinating director. First making his mark overseas with the cult hit sitcom Spaced, which I am currently in the midst of watching, he's mostly built his name based on word of mouth, and has worked with several A-list actors along the way. And yet, he still never receives the amount of love and respect that he truly deserves. I'm somewhat reluctant to call him the British equivalent of Kevin Smith, given that his dialogue is far less pretentious than Smith's, he hasn't degenerated into a whiney, blubbering idiot whenever he receives criticism in the 21st century, and due to not having mediocre titles like Cop Out under his belt. But, like Smith, he is a man who loves his pop culture targeted towards us fellow geeks, and most likely isn't ashamed to be identified as one. Released earlier this year in U.K. cinemas, The World's End is Wright's third film in the "Cornetto Trilogy," following up Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz. If you're unsure of the meaning behind that nickname, I suggest a quick google search. It may give you a craving for ice cream.


One thing to take away immediately after this movie has wrapped up is its absolutely great and memorable fight sequences. Wright is very unappreciated in his knack for them, proving he could direct great action scenes when called for with his two previous efforts, Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World and Hot Fuzz. The first fight in the men's bathroom and a separate brawl initiated by Nick Frost in particular stand out, with excellent choreography and creativity (especially in the latter). Speaking of Nick Frost, this may have been the best thing I've seen him in, be it Wright-directed or not. Playing against type works well for him, and when the time to "be real" comes about, he becomes one of the film's most likable and most personable leads. Simon Pegg is always great, and like Frost, plays against type as a more boisterous and obnoxious lead. At first, you may find it hard to root for him, especially if you're a more tightly wound individual, but his comedic chops and lines will win you over. I will have to be honest though: as much as I praised everyone doing a commendable or flat out great job here, it is a little easy to become lost in figuring out who is who. With Frost and Pegg it isn't difficult, as they are very distinct-looking actors, and those more well-versed in modern British cinema may find little difficulty with this. But me? I had trouble determining who was who, save for scarce reminders from said characters of memories from their past.


Like In A World..., there's a rather good and proper balance of sentimental moments that advance the story forward instead of dragging it down. And like Identity Thief, which I hate to bring up in this review, the message of spicing up your life once in a while is again present, though handled infinitely better than that tripe could ever hope to do. In previous efforts, Wright has thrown out nods aplenty to classics in the genre he is paying homage to, this time particularly focusing on science fiction films. Off the top of my head, I spotted Invasion of the Body Snatchers, The Thing, War of the Worlds, and Aliens. I'm certain that there are a good number that I missed, but like Hot Fuzz, it will warrant repeated screenings in order to spot them. Well, and to increase overall enjoyment and longevity in the minds of viewers. There's also a nice appearance from Pierce Brosnan in the film, upping the James Bond appearances in Wright's films to two. I would love to see him drag Sean Connery out of retirement for a small role in a future film, but that isn't likely to happen anytime soon.


The World's End is a very good movie to watch with friends, and made all the better having drinks within reach, though for a large portion of it, the film may not be particularly kind towards the non-alcoholic drink fans. Is it my favorite comedy of the year? Time will tell on that, but I can most certainly assure you that it is a great time to be had. Thankfully it has made back its budget, and isn't exactly bombing like some would have thought would happen. It would be wise for you to give your hard-earned money to this picture rather than another mediocre ripoff of Twilight or The Hunger Games anyway.





On another note, I would like to throw out a quick reminder that October is around the corner, meaning that the next iteration of UNSEEN TERROR is coming! Films are being prepared, and thankfully time won't be nearly as strict this year as it was in 2012 (though the budget may be low due to hospital bills). Another thirty one horror films I've never seen in thirty one days! This should be prove to be great fun as always, and I encourage you to join in, be it physically or even through twitter/facebook!


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Stay tuuuuuneeeeddd.....

Elysium (2013) Review

Long into the future of the human race, Earth has been utterly torn apart and left in ruins, thanks to a combination of overpopulation, disease, and other contributing factors. The wealthiest faction of human beings have taken to the stars, building a large space station dubbed "Elysium," which is free of poverty, sickness, and conflict. On Earth, an industrial worker with limited time on his hands devises a plan to reach this near-paradise, but those above are not so willing to let just anyone enjoy their way of life...


After I had complained about 2013 unofficially being dubbed the year of "meh," it seems like this irrational statement is slowly being phased out, and the pictures being released by studios are slowly getting better and better. True, we are still in August after all, but that has been eight solid months of varying quality. I regret that it took this long for me to be brought out of this dreadful slump, and I'm just as perplexed that Matt Damon was one of the names who assisted in it. Apologies if that sounded slightly arrogant.


Director Neil Blomkamp is still a relative newcomer to the realm of full-length film, but his previous effort District 9 had nearly every individual on the market talking and in awe, save for a select few who aren't worth mentioning here, as did his work on the shorts that he shot for the release of video game phenomenon Halo 3. The man understands how to keep the audience's attention with a good story and coercive characters, as well as a pseudo-documentary feel at select times, but doesn't skip out on the moments that most mainstream crowds come to see, such as mechanical contraptions & weapons that blow things up rather well. Considering what Neil was able to accomplish with the thirty million dollar budget of his previous effort, I thought he did a splendid job with having nearly four times that film's budget this time around. Having the assistance of Weta Workshop certainly helps as well, with the design on the robots seen throughout Elysium looking remarkable, and a particular scene with one being blown apart in slow-motion gives you an indication that these machines are certainly not as easy to build as one would think. Blomkamp most certainly seems to have a love for cybernetics, with Matt Damon being enhanced after the end of the third act (put away your bats, it isn't a spoiler), and reminding us of the sheer power and potential of future technology.


Elysium is also highlighted by notable performances, some good and some unfortunately mediocre. Don't be surprised if most of the buzz you hear after some time has passed is in relation to Sharlto Copley, who manages to pull a complete 180 from his likable protagonist in District 9, and goes into full on psychopath mode as a sleeper agent who enjoys his job of preventing a potential merging of the two worlds. He isn't a revolutionary villain by any means, but he is damn good, and blows Jodie Foster's Elysian government official out of the water. I regret having to say that Foster was very average, but it didn't seem like she tried to bring anything truly unique to her character, and it felt like a very common evil, upperclass politician. On the side of heroism, Matt Damon is fine, and his character is much easier to relate to than Copley's Wikus in the aforementioned motion picture. Alice Braga, Wagner Moura, and Diego Luna play different friends and associates of Damon's from over the years, and all of their side stories tie in well without seeming forced. That being said, a potential director's cut could help with the feeling that we just didn't see enough of them. I refuse to believe that a running time of 109 minutes was the final decision of everyone involved.


Where District 9 had noticeable parallels with immigration issues we face today, there is also a heavy emphasis on the war between classes and issues with health care, and lack thereof, observed by the crowds in the film and outside of it. Most of the Earth's population is comprised of Latinos and African Americans, while most of the gathering we see on Elysium itself is upper class caucasian males and females. I'm certain that this wasn't a coincidence, but I imagine those bothered by it may be of the more conservative variety, or looking to nitpick for nitpicker's sake. In fact, careful examination shows an eerie similarity to Blomkamp's previous effort in terms of entire structure, resolution, and even the classic "Good and Evil Chart (google it if you have the time). I've heard theories that this could in fact be set in the same universe that housed the Prawns and MNU, but I'm far too lazy to research this at the moment, and may save that bit of banal geekiness for the end of the year. Besides, nearly every director, from Spielberg to Boll, has most likely been accused of copying and pasting in some way, shape, or form.


I'm starting to realize that my personal favorite films released throughout the summer have fallen into the two genres that I've had a love for since childhood: science fiction and horror. Mind you, Elysium is certainly not a horror movie, but it is a well-crafted, well-acted, and overall very interesting entry into the science fiction genre. A viewing in a large theater with an even larger screen is recommended, and I wish nothing but the best for Mr. Blomkamp with future endeavors and projects, as this bearded weirdo will be sure to keep watching and supporting you.


Just don't pull an M. Night Shymalan on us please.

Pacific Rim (2013) Review

In the year 2020, the earth is under constant attack from Kaiju, gigantic beasts that emerge from the ocean floor. To combat this, humanity has constructed the Jaegers, mechs that run on duel pilots via a system that links the pilots' brains together and allow for near-perfect synchronization. When the outbreak begins to become even too much for the originators of the program itself, a last ditch effort is concocted, and humanity prepares to make a potential final stand against these foreign, monstrous invaders.



Confession time: I haven't been particularly enjoying this summer's movie schedule. True, I have seen very few films released within the past two months (or even throughout the entire year), but something just feels so lacking about 2013. Maybe it was that some films forgot how to have fun most of the time, or were trying too hard to be something they didn't need to be in the first place. When the trailers for Pacific Rim first hit the internet, my interest was piqued. An homage to several "geeky" genres that I grew up adoring from movie master Guillermo Del Toro? This could be interesting.


The plot to Pacific Rim may seem oddly familiar to those well-versed in anime (the similarities to all time great Neon Genesis Evangelion are understandable), but thankfully the film isn't a complete knockoff. Au contraire! Del Toro's latest project combines many of the best elements from a multitude of genres into one very entertaining package that just manages to sneak past the two-hour mark. I was honestly disappointed that this film DIDN'T run longer, as there are a plethora of certain characters and Jaegers that leave you disappointed that you didn't see more of them. Perhaps that's what a director's cut DVD is for. I do happen to know that a tie-in comic was recently released, so perhaps there are further adventures of our brave pilots that one simply has to track down through easy means. This of course means you have to venture to a comic book store, which certainly isn't a bad thing.


Our cast of characters are a bit of a mixed bag, though none of them border on being "bad" per se. Main lead Charlie Hunnam does a capable job of playing a former Jaeger pilot coerced into rejoining the program many years after his co-pilot (who was coincidentally his own brother) was killed in battle with a kaiju. Rinko Kikuchi and Idris Elba play Hunnam's new co-pilot and superior respectively, and both knock it out of the park. Shockingly, I've never seen Kikuchi act prior to her role here, but I'm definitely paying attention from now on. Her presence felt genuine (i.e. not the cliched "chick" in a science fiction film), and once her character starts developing throughout the film, you find it hard not to like her and feel sympathetic for the young lady. Elba's already proven that he's a fine actor, and his stern, serious, but still very much human character thankfully escapes from the pit of cliches as well. Perhaps the only cliched characters are the supporting cast, who as I mentioned, don't get as much screen time as you would hope. Making the Russian pilots stoic and the Chinese pilots acrobatic? Certainly not your wildest idea Guillermo, but I think we can forgive you for it. Oh, and for you It's Always Sunny fanatics, yes Charlie Day is awesome here, playing one of two scientists studying the kaiju,


Rim's fight sequences a bit hard to comprehend if you have bad eyesight, but easily rival anything seen this summer, and at times surpass them. The immense scale of the entire thing blows Man of Steel's DBZ-esque fights out of the water. I'm quite surprised at how many people seem to be unimpressed with the designs of the mechs themselves. Perhaps we've been spoiled by the dull Transformers films and Michael Bay's absolutely hideous approach to how a giant robot should look. One of my biggest complaints about that franchise is that you can never quite tell which robot is which unless you hear them talk (especially in the second film. Oy vey.), but thankfully this doesn't seem to be a severe issue here. The detail in every creation is unveiled over time, and leaves you quite impressed that we as a society, even in a fictional universe, could build not just one of these, but several. Even the kaijus themselves are rather impressive, looking like more demented versions of the enemies seen throughout the Ultraman series and Gamera motion pictures. I happen to know that toys have already been manufactured for this film, and I can hope that they look just as impressive scaled down as they did here.


Guillermo Del Toro has been quoted as saying that he made this film in order to expose today's younger generation to the wonders of kaiju eiga (a.k.a. giant monster movies) and mecha (a.k.a. giant robots). Hell, there's even a tribute to deceased greats Ishiro Honda and Ray Harryhausen in the credits. But in reality, I think this can just as easily appeal to the inner teenager in you that never quite went away. In fact, the teenager in you isn't just going to like Pacific Rim, it may downright be in awe of it at times. For the likes of us who grew up on a healthy diet of Japanese culture and Saturday morning fun, this is the motion picture to make your summer that much better, or perhaps even remedy any faults you've had with it. I may venture back to the cinema for this one, and may even decide on catching an IMAX screening if the option is there.