Unseen Terror 2018: Day 16

Man, do I know how to pick 'em or what?


Anyway, this is going to be a bit of a quick one because of the fact that I have to work in a few hours. Plus, with a premise like this one, does it need a lengthy review?


Young couple Steve and Eileen move to a small apartment in New York, and despite the fact that their new abode is far from ideal, it's probably the most affordable one that they can find in early 90s pictures. The only appealing aspect to the place seems to be the refrigerator that immediately catches Steve's eye. Over time, the two begin to realize that there's something a bit off about the household appliance, and it's eventually discovered that not only is the fridge seemingly sentient and prone to murder, but also serves as a gateway to hell itself. So yeah, The Refrigerator.…...suffice to say, this won't be winning any major awards any time soon. Hell, the damn thing isn't even out on DVD (this was another bootleg purchase from Monster Mania). I knew what I was getting into with this early 90s straight-to-video turd. And yet, to my surprise, there's a tiny little part of me that enjoyed this more than I thought I would.


Anyway, despite advertising itself as a ridiculous, gory horror-comedy (at least if you're going by the premise and tagline of "No Survivors. Only Leftovers."), there's more supernatural shenanigans going on in The Refrigerator than one would expect. Its evil influence starts to rub off on Steve, who begins to see miniaturized human beings whenever he opens it and looks inside, and exhibits more aggressive, snappy behavior than usual. Female lead Eileen (played by Heather Graham-lookalike Julia McNeal) has dreams that she's being tied down for a ritualistic sacrifice, with the titular creation "looking" at her, and has visions of fetuses. Oh, and the refrigerator itself frequently leaks what appears to be blood onto the floor, and has a tendency to lunge at and corner people like a mad dog would. This fucking film man.


All of this leads me to the absolute highlight of this fecal waterslide: Juan the Plumber, played to absolute perfection by Angel Caban. Despite looking more like a motorcycle enthusiast than a repairman, he is just marvelously entertaining. Most of the cast in The Refrigerator seem to be well aware that they're in a completely dense horror-comedy, but you can just tell that he's taking the role that he signed on for (assuming he wasn't blackmailed) and going full camp. How this actor didn't receive some additional work, even in other 'B' movies is beyond me. Julia McNeal is a hoot too, but she can't seem to decide whether to try and be serious (the dialogue between her and either her mom or husband is very strait-laced) or to just give up and go with the flow.


Unfortunately, what brings The Refrigerator down quite a bit is how lacking it is in the "kills" department. Again, you have clearly marketed your motion picture as a ridiculous release (that borders on parody) about an appliance that horribly maims and slaughters people, but during its brief running time, there are barely any bodies that are disposed of. I kept thinking to myself that most of its nastier moments were being saved for the final ten minutes, because I've had quite a few experiences during the years of doing this marathon where that's been the case. And yes, the final moments of The Refrigerator are admittedly zany, and give off some Maximum Overdrive vibes, but making the viewer sit through all of the unnecessary melodrama and moments with a gypsy who seems to love spouting statements that she got from fortune cookies makes you question if all of this was worth it.


This is undoubtedly a piece of garbage, and the fact that it hasn't seen a release on any sort of disc format speaks volumes about its quality as a film. Still, The Refrigerator does have its moments of self-aware absurdness that occasionally leads to funny, bloody results. Fans of entertainingly shitty cinema might want to track this one down and grab their friends (along with a few six packs) for a fun movie night, though I'd say that if you search for a bootleg like I did, don't spend too much money on it.




Tomorrow, I'm gonna be at work for a rather long day, but any stress or pain can always be relieved by a trip to Japan!

Unseen Terror 2016: Day 9

Young Chicago native Marissa Kendall buys a tiny, baby alligator as a present for herself, but during one fateful day, the child's father angrily flushes the new pet down the toilet. Many years pass, and the town's head scientists have been experimenting with a growth formula that is supposed to help with agriculture. Though the initial results are proven to be a success, they have to be abandoned due to a side effect that builds an insatiable appetite in their test animals. Unbeknownst to them, a creature residing in the sewers has grown immensely due to feeding on the discarded carcasses of their laboratory subjects, and has been moving on to larger, more active prey. Marissa, who has now grown up into a herpetologist, teams up with police officer David Madison to investigate some odd sightings and disappearances related to something rumbling down below the city, and after it begins to pop up above ground, they estimate that the voracious crocodilian's length is over that of thirty-six feet. Needless to say, it must be stopped.




If you are a longtime reader of my little blog, you will know that I have gone into detail about the large number of "natural" horror films that were released in the wake of Steven Spielberg's breakout blockbuster Jaws. But for every Grizzly or Piranha (which shares the same screenplay writer as this) that was sent into theaters, we were also treated to piles of garbage like Barracuda or Devil Fish. Why, even the flick that started it all received a follow-up or two of its own, just so audiences would have their sweet tooth for human dismemberment satiated, even if it was for only ninety minutes. It makes the most amount of sense that eventually, somebody would pay attention to just how silly this subgenre was becoming, and five years after one of the greatest directors of all time warned us of the dangers of the ocean, the future director of Cat's Eye and Cujo would deliver a picture to audiences that was solid enough to both poke fun at these movies, while also remembering how to provide for some very solid entertainment in a field that was being dragged down by mediocrity.


Most contemporary motion pictures such as Alligator would believe that by playing their cards right, it would be safe to choose the easy route and present their product as a straight-forward, basic "monster on the loose" movie, which ensures a respectable, if not very average box office intake. While there are often moments that present themselves as just that, most of the flick delves into the self-aware territory that makes some particular B-movies or unexpected comedies worth repeated viewings. Of course, I am not trying to say that a film featuring an oversized gator chomping on rich yuppies at a wedding reception is up there with the best of the worst, but the chunks of John Sayles' script that are fully satirical make it work that much better (though I do wish that the original idea concocted by co-writer Frank Ray Perilli had stayed intact, as it took place in Milwaukee and involved beer consumption as the culprit behind the behemoth's growth). It has all the characteristics and necessities of a "natural" horror flick: a scumbag mayor, a hunter with prior knowledge of how to take down animals as large as these, a smartass scientist, and a cop who doesn't have time for all of this shit. Hell, we're even treated to a child death courtesy of the monstrous antagonist! Robert Forster (Jackie Brown) plays the latter adult human character, and he is appropriately treating the whole experience like a black comedy. Sadly, nobody else really stands out in the cast, but at the end of the day, it's forgivable.


Alligator's fun factor isn't solely limited to the acting or dialogue though, as the technical aspects (if you can call them that) aren't anything to scoff at either. Like its obvious inspiration, the titular creature is mostly animatronic, and does look pretty good for the few moments where it is seen in the shadows or with as little light creeping in as possible. Ironically also like "Bruce," it had multiple malfunctions during filming, and was eventually donated to college football team the Florida Gators to be used as a mascot after everything had wrapped up. He does get lucky enough to gnaw on more than a handful of idiotic pedestrians and fools before finding himself back underground (sorry for the slight spoiler). There is a rather wonderful moment involving our villainous creation just hanging out in an alley after he bursts through solid concrete on the street, and it feels like something that could have fit in just fine with one of the better SyFy channel productions that rarely come out these days.


Does Alligator feel a bit flawed or dated? Well, sure. But considering that most of these flicks were churned out with such little regard for actual quality in mind (which reminds me: man do I still hate Barracuda), it is head and heels above a good portion of its contemporaries. If you're willing to just sit back, put on a smile, and drink in/during the whole thing, Lewis Teague's reptilian rampage makes for a good time killer. Unfortunately, the DVD for this effort runs for more than even I think it is worth, and until a company as reputable as Arrow Video or Scream! Factory picks it up for distribution, the easiest method for one to watch it is via websites such as YouTube or Amazon Video.



Besides, there are far worse ways for you to waste your precious minutes...

Oh come on, you knew that you could sense that joke coming from a mile away.

In the first half of the 1990s, it seemed as though every single cult favorite from the precious horror period of the prior decade received a surprise sequel. This was the case for gems such as Stan Winston's Pumpkinhead, Kevin S. Tenney's Night of the Demons, and Lewis Teague's Alligator. Why were these occurring you ask? My guess is that the higher ups at certain studios were bored, figuring that one can make a follow-up without requiring any semblance of a budget because some (but not all) horror fans are putzes, and we are willing to watch damn near anything that you drop into our laps. That, or there was an insane amount of cocaine being snorted, which resulted in them running into a video store and perusing the aisles for ideas.


In all seriousness though, I feel that the need to write a synopsis for Alligator 2: The Mutation is wholly unnecessary, as the movie is undeserving of one. Save for some minor changes, the plot is a duplicate of its predecessor, with toxic waste in place of enhanced, deceased test animals. These include the same character stereotypes such as corrupt politicians, a grizzled cop with more than a few wisecracks up his sleeve (played this time by Joseph Bologna of Blame it on Rio & Superman: The Animated Series fame), a female scientist who assists the crew (portrayed by a sadly wooden Dee Wallace), a gator hunter whose tools and techniques are ultimately useless against the creature, and more useless piles of flesh than even I can not recall. Perhaps the only interesting performers who show up in the picture are professional wrestlers Toru Tanaka and Alexis Smirnoff, who amusingly appear in a nightclub that apparently treats the sport as real, with the film's human antagonist stating that he has "fixed" the fights for the evening. If this sequel had centered solely around the NWA and WWF veterans taking on the gigantic pest that was bothering the city, it would have receive nothing but the highest of accolades from me.


Besides being a retread of the first movie, Alligator 2's secondary problem comes from the fact that it just isn't very entertaining. Even with Bologna doing his best to try and have some fun with the material provided, the film seems to be taking itself a little more seriously this time around, which I feared would be the case after I took a brief glimpse at its page over on imdb.com. So, in the end, what you're left with is an uninspired sequel that isn't cool, isn't funny, isn't particularly gory (although the use of a rocket launcher towards the climax almost makes up for a rather lame massacre that takes place at a carnival), and could constitute as the dullest form of plagiarism. Though it is available to stream on YouTube and the like, I plead that you save your money and brain cells by doing anything more productive.



One more thing before I go: when your release is lazy enough to reuse stock footage from the first picture on more than one occasion, then it proves that you just suck beyond belief. Yes, I'm aware that my beloved Toho did this multiple times during the late 1960s and early 1970s, but their movies still featured a Kaiju with a buzzsaw for a belly & hooks for hands fighting alongside of a three-headed, flying golden dragon. Alligator 2 does not.



I BID YOU GOOD DAY SIR.




Tomorrow, Larry Cohen makes his long-awaited return to Unseen Terror, and we trade the dangers of the sewer for the horrors found in the skies of Manhattan!

Unseen Terror 2015: Day 7

College student Maggie has been having odd dreams as of late, wherein she witnesses a young girl named Sarah caught in a fire, all the while being pursued by a strange man trying to murder her. Despite this nightmare, she records what she can recall on tape, with the hope that it can help her finalize a story that may be turned into a script one day. Meanwhile, at the young lady's university, the film department is having difficulty being appreciated and gaining acceptance. Fellow student Toby brainstorms a way in which they can raise money and awareness for the editing space that they require: rent out the old Dreamland Theater for the evening, and provide an all-night "gimmick" movie marathon to the demanding public. During the night of the event, while everyone works their assigned positions, something more suspicious is building behind the scenes, and Maggie's wild dreams may turn out to more closer to reality than she initially thought.



Confession time: I'm a complete and utter sucker for pictures like 1991's Popcorn, a film that went through two different directors during filming (both oddly enough sharing connections to the Porky's franchise), but still came out in one, competent piece by its release date. There seems to be a certain amount of love that you can sense on screen and off by these kinds of pictures that is such a rare commodity these days. They like to poke fun at the genre, but don't turn off their core audience by still treating them with some respect and mixing in some amusing bits of black comedy. It's something that pictures such as The Cabin In The Woods, Behind The Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon, and even Wes Craven's Scream got right, John Carpenter's entry in Masters Of Horror ("Cigarette Burns") did similarly well, and others like 2010's Rubber got horribly, horribly wrong.


Popcorn also pays homage to motion pictures that even I forgot had existed back in the days of my own parents' youth. There are three different, yet similar films that our students have chosen to screen at the Dreamland Theater: one is an obvious nod to pictures such as Them! and Night Of The Lepus, one a tribute to "rigged" theater experiences like William Castle's The Tingler, and another that comes complete with "smell-o-scope," which I first learned about from the theatrical and home video releases for John Waters' Polyester. It's nice to see the filmmakers and writers recall the older, more gimmick-related days of horror, and I could see some much older viewers recanting about how this wasn't too far removed from how it really happened. Speaking of gimmicks, I found there to be a hidden meaning behind the title for this feature. Back in the 1980s (and leading into the early 1990s), a large portion of cinema that dealt with dread and fear were being manufactured and released en mass on an almost weekly basis. For people around my age, that may certainly seem like a wet dream, but if you were looking for something more sophisticated or something that would change the game, it was likely going to be lost in the mix of standard "boobs and blood" releases, since that seemed to be what the casual ticket buyer would want out of a horror movie (hence, "popcorn" flicks). As we've seen with the overexposure and over-saturation of assorted subgenres in the other, equally controversial distant cousin of horror cinema called rock and roll, too much of something can actually be a bad thing, and can ultimately turn people away in the long run.


For the most part, Popcorn's acting is surprisingly good, especially when you consider that the cast could have just decided to go with the flow like most other movies from around this time period. Save for small appearances from Dee Wallace Stone (E.T., The Howling, Cujo) and Ray Walston (My Favorite Martian), there aren't too many recognizable faces or performances that stand out, but I feel that lead actress Jill Schoelen deserves some attention for her portrayal of Maggie. There's certainly a very Winona Ryder-esque look and vibe that she has going on, but I came away noticing that she had less of a "pouty" voice and manner than the Beetlejuice star did in her heyday. Mind you, that isn't a diss towards the woman, but once you witness her acting in Alien Resurrection, it will be hard to not notice this. I wish that Schoelen would have received more work after this film's release, because outside of some previous appearances in darker projects such as The Stepfather and 1989's reimagining of The Phantom Of The Opera, she should be more well-remembered for something like Popcorn than for dating Brad Pitt.


Though unfortunately delving into familiar territories during its final act and plot twist (coupled with some attempts at humorous dialogue that would fall flat no matter who was delivering it), the fact that something as charming and entertaining as Popcorn even exists is a treat. The fact that it hasn't seen a proper release outside of a 2001 DVD, which is sadly now out of print and can be obtained for the low price of $60, is a god damn shame. Yes, there WERE plans for a Blu-Ray release from Synapse Films back in 2014, but to my knowledge, outside of its original announcement, it has never been finalized or completed. If you're a movie lover looking for a film about movie lovers, but with a very bloody, and slightly ironic twist that borders on parody, you should absolutely seek this relic out. Currently, the only way in which one can view Popcorn is to either buy or bid on the aforementioned DVD, find an acceptable print on torrent sites or video sites such as Youtube, or to pray to whatever deity you believe in for that Synapse Blu-Ray to see the light of day.

Something that should probably never see the light of day, however, is a disc release of the "Saturday Night At the Movies" song played during the Popcorn's only montage. It's unabashedly cheesy, and clearly meant to be a jab at the ridiculousness of some more well-known titles, so perhaps that can be forgiven. I'm not so sure that I can defend its rap song that plays over the credits though, as it gets dangerously close to entering the weirdest kind of musical territory found in "spoofs" of horror movies (see below).

Tomorrow, 1992 brings about a tale of a beast: the creatures that are often thought to be foolish, crude, and incapable of thinking for themselves. However, there is much to be learned from beasts......