Showing posts with label WWE. Show all posts
Showing posts with label WWE. Show all posts
Wednesday, October 11, 2017
Thursday, December 4, 2014
Jingle All The Way 2 (2014) Review
Wow. Just wow. I didn't realize that it has been a little over an entire month since I last updated this blog with a new film review. If my memory hasn't completely faded, then I recall saying that a post-Unseen Terror wrap-up was coming very soon. Searching through my drafts, I did see what was to be, but never came about. So, maybe I'll do something like that with any upcoming free time (it has been fairly hellacious at work).
*looks at the post title* Ah shit, there's a review to do right now though, isn't there?
Divorced dad Larry wants nothing but the best for his eight-year-old daughter Noel. Though he provides her with plenty of free time, fun, and social activities, he just can't compete with her rich, new stepdad Victor. Attempting to think of ways to please the young lady, he secretly peeks at her letter to Santa Claus. In it, he discovers that her utmost desire is this season's hottest toy: an electronic, voice-recording item called The Harrison Bear. When Victor also discovers this request, he sets out to beat the trailer-bound Southerner to the demanded plaything. Over the course of several nights, the two begin a race to Noel's heart, hoping that she will thank one of them for the best Christmas ever.
If it wasn't known to all of my friends who occasionally frequent this page, I reviewed one of WWE Studios' latest attempts at making themselves a more respectable commodity in the rather crowed movie industry. Around that time period, two more straight-to-video releases found their ways to the Redboxes and On-Demand channels of the world in the form of See No Evil 2 and Jingle All The Way 2. For reasons that I am honest-to-god not sure of, I've decided to sit down and watch both within this past week. A review for their horror-themed flick should be coming within the next few days, but for now, and before I head off to see Crowbar and Unearth play in Wilmington, North Carolina tonight, let's get this one out of the way.
There isn't a whole lot that I personally like about 1996's Jingle All The Way, though I can certainly understand as to why it has a fairly decent following among connoisseurs of bad cinema. Much like a good portion of sequels released far after their predecessors' times have passed, the news of a second installment being released in this new decade befuddled me. Sure, Arnold Schwarzenegger has fallen on hard times, and most of his recent projects have bombed critically and financially, but I doubted that he would sink to a level this low. That and he did have an unmistakable presence that kept you watching throughout its ninety two minutes of mediocrity.
To the surprise of abso-fucking-lutely nobody, standup comedian Larry The Cable Guy (whose protagonist is also named Larry) is not Arnold Schwarzenegger. Truth be told, he isn't even Michael Dudikoff. For most of Jingle All The Way 2's running time (it runs only one minute longer than the prior picture), he is playing an even stupider version of his on-stage persona, with traits and pratfalls borrowed from the late Jim Varney. Most of Larry's scenes consist of him getting physically abused by children, the elderly, or by some unseen deity who hates bad jokes and the overuse of the "womp womp"-style of humor. Also unlike Arnold's fourth attempt at a comedic role is his lack of a true rival. Sure, you might be looking at the cast list and see that actor Sinbad is nowhere to be found (when you can say that he of all people has more dignity than this, you know you're in trouble), but professional wrestler Santino Marella is. After all, his own personality on television is that of an exaggerated, goofy Italian stereotype, so maybe he can bring something worthwhile to this treatment of excrement. Well, you are gravely mistaken. He serves as a pseudo-sidekick, and save for a mere bit of foreshadowing in the first ten minutes, only pops in here and there to say something of absolutely no merit or importance. Worst of all is that he isn't even in character when he does enter the fray. The picture's central antagonist is Victor, played by occasional Michael Bay buddy Brian Stepanek. Until the thirty minute mark had passed, I didn't even suspect that he had any nefarious schemes or tricks whatsoever, as they spent a good portion of the first act making our "hero" out to look like an annoying redneck and making Victor look like a struggling, eager-to-please stepfather. Then again, expecting consistency in a film written by the man who brought us Without A Paddle: Nature's Calling and directed by the individual who shat out Chairman Of The Board seemed like something that was utterly, utterly hopeless.
As if this wasn't obvious, there is nothing redeeming about Jingle All The Way 2. The flick barely even appeals to followers of the "Redneck Comedy" group, as it is extremely watered down for family entertainment. It's also too painstakingly boring and derivative of better Christmas-themed films, so mom and pop might actually fall asleep if they insert it into their DVD or Blu-Ray player any time soon. Let's just forget that this even exists, alright? If you're thinking about spending any currency on it, give it to the nearest homeless person that you find. Chances are that he'll spend it on something more productive, buy a sandwich, a beer, or may even have bought the movie as a gift, only to be thrown out on the streets as a result of that decision.
On the plus side, it is infinitely better than Delta Farce.
*looks at the post title* Ah shit, there's a review to do right now though, isn't there?
Divorced dad Larry wants nothing but the best for his eight-year-old daughter Noel. Though he provides her with plenty of free time, fun, and social activities, he just can't compete with her rich, new stepdad Victor. Attempting to think of ways to please the young lady, he secretly peeks at her letter to Santa Claus. In it, he discovers that her utmost desire is this season's hottest toy: an electronic, voice-recording item called The Harrison Bear. When Victor also discovers this request, he sets out to beat the trailer-bound Southerner to the demanded plaything. Over the course of several nights, the two begin a race to Noel's heart, hoping that she will thank one of them for the best Christmas ever.
If it wasn't known to all of my friends who occasionally frequent this page, I reviewed one of WWE Studios' latest attempts at making themselves a more respectable commodity in the rather crowed movie industry. Around that time period, two more straight-to-video releases found their ways to the Redboxes and On-Demand channels of the world in the form of See No Evil 2 and Jingle All The Way 2. For reasons that I am honest-to-god not sure of, I've decided to sit down and watch both within this past week. A review for their horror-themed flick should be coming within the next few days, but for now, and before I head off to see Crowbar and Unearth play in Wilmington, North Carolina tonight, let's get this one out of the way.
There isn't a whole lot that I personally like about 1996's Jingle All The Way, though I can certainly understand as to why it has a fairly decent following among connoisseurs of bad cinema. Much like a good portion of sequels released far after their predecessors' times have passed, the news of a second installment being released in this new decade befuddled me. Sure, Arnold Schwarzenegger has fallen on hard times, and most of his recent projects have bombed critically and financially, but I doubted that he would sink to a level this low. That and he did have an unmistakable presence that kept you watching throughout its ninety two minutes of mediocrity.
To the surprise of abso-fucking-lutely nobody, standup comedian Larry The Cable Guy (whose protagonist is also named Larry) is not Arnold Schwarzenegger. Truth be told, he isn't even Michael Dudikoff. For most of Jingle All The Way 2's running time (it runs only one minute longer than the prior picture), he is playing an even stupider version of his on-stage persona, with traits and pratfalls borrowed from the late Jim Varney. Most of Larry's scenes consist of him getting physically abused by children, the elderly, or by some unseen deity who hates bad jokes and the overuse of the "womp womp"-style of humor. Also unlike Arnold's fourth attempt at a comedic role is his lack of a true rival. Sure, you might be looking at the cast list and see that actor Sinbad is nowhere to be found (when you can say that he of all people has more dignity than this, you know you're in trouble), but professional wrestler Santino Marella is. After all, his own personality on television is that of an exaggerated, goofy Italian stereotype, so maybe he can bring something worthwhile to this treatment of excrement. Well, you are gravely mistaken. He serves as a pseudo-sidekick, and save for a mere bit of foreshadowing in the first ten minutes, only pops in here and there to say something of absolutely no merit or importance. Worst of all is that he isn't even in character when he does enter the fray. The picture's central antagonist is Victor, played by occasional Michael Bay buddy Brian Stepanek. Until the thirty minute mark had passed, I didn't even suspect that he had any nefarious schemes or tricks whatsoever, as they spent a good portion of the first act making our "hero" out to look like an annoying redneck and making Victor look like a struggling, eager-to-please stepfather. Then again, expecting consistency in a film written by the man who brought us Without A Paddle: Nature's Calling and directed by the individual who shat out Chairman Of The Board seemed like something that was utterly, utterly hopeless.
As if this wasn't obvious, there is nothing redeeming about Jingle All The Way 2. The flick barely even appeals to followers of the "Redneck Comedy" group, as it is extremely watered down for family entertainment. It's also too painstakingly boring and derivative of better Christmas-themed films, so mom and pop might actually fall asleep if they insert it into their DVD or Blu-Ray player any time soon. Let's just forget that this even exists, alright? If you're thinking about spending any currency on it, give it to the nearest homeless person that you find. Chances are that he'll spend it on something more productive, buy a sandwich, a beer, or may even have bought the movie as a gift, only to be thrown out on the streets as a result of that decision.
On the plus side, it is infinitely better than Delta Farce.
Sunday, October 19, 2014
Unseen Terror 2014: Day 19
Backpacking through the Irish countryside, two young couples begin to mingle with the local townsfolk. Much to their surprise, they are given the offer to take up residence in a nice cabin near the edge of the terrain's woods. Naturally, they agree to do so. To their horror, however, they come upon a dark, terrible secret: the cabin, along with the surrounding environment, serve as a killing field for a creature of Irish folklore. That monster is a leprechaun, and the four youths discover that the residents of Ireland have been luring innocents to the territory, so that it may satiate this monstrosity's lust in an attempt to make up for past mistakes.
Forgive me for typing a relatively short review, but it's late, and my mind and vision have been rotted from sitting through two particularly bad films within the past two days. No, Only Lovers Left Alive was not one of those aforementioned pictures. That was a good picture. That distinct dishonor and shameful title goes to this hunk of crap.
When I first heard that there was going to be another entry in the Leprechaun franchise, I shuttered a little bit. Then, I heard that it was going to be a reboot, sans star antagonist Warwick Davis. That shutter turned into a groan. After THAT revelation, I discovered that it was being produced by the oh-so-reliable WWE Studios and it would star Dylan "Hornswoggle" Postl, one of my bottom ten least favorite performers currently employed in the world of professional wrestling, as the titular horror villain. Groan turned into face palming, and well, you get the idea.
It only takes you four minutes to realize that something is horribly, horribly wrong with Leprechaun: Origins. For starters, the entire flick is devoid of any and all humor that was found in the original. Yes, I agree that the previous entries' brand of jokes and gags were quite embarrassing at times, but at the very least, you tend to remember scenes such as the man who played Willow killing someone with a pogo stick or when rapper/actor Ice-T smokes marijuana with an evil rascal out to kill him. Origins is played like a straight forward horror film, down to the devilish imp looking like a bloodthirsty creature with an occasional affinity for gold, screeching and growling along the way….wait, what? Unfortunately, if you're expecting to see Hornswoggle attempt to imitate or mime sequences that we've already become accustomed with (but why would you?), then you're in for a rather large disappointment. Instead, we see occasional glimpses of the wrestler dressed in a costume that looks like if one of the blind, underground beings from The Descent had a mutated child with an orc from The Lord Of The Rings. Add to that the fact that nearly every characteristic about this new beast is a knockoff of something we've seen before. He has "alternative" vision similar to that of the alien bounty hunter from Predator (even going so far as to rip out a young man's spine) and stalks his prey in the long grass like the velociraptors from The Lost World: Jurassic Park. To an extent, it even gives off a strong Pumpkinhead vibe, but it is nowhere near as menacing or memorable as that unappreciated creation of the sorely missed Stan Winston.
I don't even want me gold returned, I want me god damn time back you cunt of a movie.
Tomorrow, we'll attempt to salvage something good from this year's marathon again with the long-delayed All The Boys Love Mandy Lane!
Sunday, October 12, 2014
Unseen Terror 2014: Day 11
Yes yes, I'm a day late on posting these. When one is attempting to celebrate the beginning of their 29th birthday, you tend to forget certain obligations. But I'm going to double up today, and my review for Day 12's picture shall be up within a few hours.
Raph and Max are your typical guns-for-hire, doing dirty jobs for the right amount of money, and only under the right circumstances. Outside of their rather busy work schedule, Raph is attempting to fix a marriage on the brink of divorce, and the fact that he almost forgets his own son's birthday isn't helping matters. While out and about, the two begin searching for a last minute gift, but soon receive orders to pull off a routine hit. The operation proves to be anything but basic, however, and the men find themselves holed up in a secluded area, grouped together with complete strangers and fighting for their lives against infected human beings.
So, this is a thing that exists. I had always assumed that whenever casting companies decided to let professional wrestlers take the lead, they'd attempt to pick out the biggest and/or most recognizable name that they could find. Last year, that thought was shattered following the release (plus my own review) of the fairly mediocre The Call, co-starring the modern king of "Why are you still employed?," Mr. David Otunga. During a random trip to the last Blockbuster Video that I'll likely ever see, I stumbled across Overtime, with legendary low-card standout Al Snow in the lead, and figured that for the cost of one whole American dollar, I'd give it a whirl.
From the get go, you can tell that Overtime has nothing but good intentions, wanting to be a mixture of Jingle All The Way and From Dusk Til Dawn (no, you didn't read that wrong). The only problem is that this film just seems to be trying a little too hard to be "cool" or "fun." Some of the more memorable horror-comedies in recent years didn't have to try hard per se, but the overabundance of cursing and exposition in Overtime shines brighter than a spotlight on the back of "Stone Cold" Steve Austin's head. Snow and his partner John Wells at least look like they were having a ball during filming though, as does the flick's villain, who is channeling her inner Jeremy Irons from the infamously terrible Dungeons and Dragons movie released in the year 2000.
There isn't anything necessarily terrible in Overtime, and heck, there are times when it's genuinely funny (inexplicably, any joke revolving around what kind of cake to get for a birthday party made me chuckle), but it reminded me too much of one of those movies that you would have seen collecting dust on the shelf of a video store, or worse yet, sitting in a pile of unsold copies near the checkout lane. I'm honest-to-god shocked that this took NINE WHOLE MONTHS to shoot, especially when you consider how cheap the movie can look during particular moments and with how not-so-subtle some of the pop culture jokes can be. For example, Snow searches for the hottest video game system, the YBox 720, to buy for his son. Don't even bother to groan, I did it for you in spades. Admittedly, I would have never even batted an eye towards this surprisingly short project (it says eighty one minutes on the back, but it's realistically seventy) had the six time WWF hardcore champion not been attached to it. But hey, you could do much, much worse than sit through this. For instance, you could watch Al Snow wrestle in 1999's now-infamous "Kennel From Hell" match.
Yeah, too easy of a shot. I think I'll let Mick Foley stick to the jokes in this case.
Hoping that it will reduce their prison sentences by an entire month, several troublemakers and hoodlums are given a temporary leave of absence in order to help clean up a vacated and dilapidated hotel. Unbeknownst to the assorted group of folks is that while they work, they are secretly being watched and stalked by a silent, disturbed psychopath. When the reclusive murderer, known only as Jacob Goodnight, starts to slaughter them one by one, the remaining youngsters must gather and find a way to stop this maniac, or to at least escape the premises with their lives.
If that description for 2006's See No Evil is a little too by-the-numbers for any of you readers, then I can only assure you that it was the best that I could come up with. Writer Dan Madigan (of WWF/E SmackDown fame) and former pornography director Gregory Dark aren't trying to break new ground with this fairly formulaic motion picture, but man, could they have at least tried to do something out of the ordinary? Speaking of Dark, I am a little amazed, if not slightly bothered, to see a good amount of former adult film directors show up in the former half of this year's countdown. It's pure coincidence. I hope.
There really isn't much that I can disclose about See No Evil, solely because you've seen everything it has to offer already. Let me count the ways: generic hot girls, go-to shower scene, generic douchebags, fairly decent gore and kills, predictable twist towards the end, slight attempt at humanizing the killer, and a washed-out look throughout. Perhaps the only thing that I can disclose is something that I feel is only a problem long-time wrestling fans such as myself will have: Kane (real name Glenn Jacobs), who plays the often stone-faced, eyeball-obsessed Jacob Goodnight, just isn't scary whatsoever. I imagine that should you have no connection or interest in the world of sports entertainment, you may find him to be slightly disturbing, but it's hard for the small part of the audience that IS crossing over from the WWE universe to even care. We've seen this man get stuck in some absolutely horrendous feuds since the character's debut in 1997, so it's pretty damn hard to suspend our disbelief. Yes, he's tall and can grimace awfully well when he needs to, but I can't take him seriously when I've seen skits like THIS over the past few years.
See No Evil made me slightly depressed. Mind you, it isn't because it's an emotionally powerful film, or because you sympathize with any personality in the cast, but because of discovering that it was surprisingly successful at the box office and on home video. True, WWE Studios didn't make an obscene amount of money from its performance, but the movie still over-performed when you consider how many horror and wrestling fans expected it to bomb rather hard. The fact that superior, more well-developed projects such as Behind The Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon or Trick 'R Treat have to revel in obscurity, struggling to get a sequel off of the ground or even to make back its full budget, is just a crying shame. Meanwhile, this basic slasher picture, while not entirely deserving of the 8% rating that it currently holds on RottenTomatoes.com, is getting a sequel with bigger stars (Danielle Harris, Katharine Isabelle) and promising directors (Jen and Sylvia Soska) attached to it. It just doesn't seem particularly fair to me.
Wait, Trick 'R Treat IS getting a sequel? Oh. Well, at the end of the day, this movie is still pretty disposable.
Coming up very soon, we're heading way, way back to the 1960s and into the land of Mario Bava with Black Sunday!
Saturday, January 11, 2014
Ryan's Best and Worst of 2013: Part 1
Hello. I realize that posts on here have been rather nonexistent since my Blue Ruin review, and I can only ascribe that to a myriad of problems, be they financial or personal. Whatever the case, this is no excuse when it comes to posting my inevitable "End of the Year" lists. Sure, I am about a week or two removed from the mostly miserable year known as 2013 being over, but the year did have a good amount of bright spots in the three things that help me keep a grasp on my sanity: movies, music, and mixed martial arts. There were also some fine moments that came out of the mostly-irritating promotion known as "World Wrestling Entertainment," though they love to seemingly do more to irk me rather than please me it seems. Procrastination and rambling aside, let us move forward. For those apathetic towards the world of mixed martial arts and professional wrestling, I may have to ask you to come back later for the important stuff (also known as the subjects that usually don't involve half naked individuals hurting one another).
Let us start with the WWE, since it will be easier and quicker to write about. And speaking of quicker and easier, my own lethargy will help get some of these other categories out of the way.
Best PPV: Summerslam 2013 (August 18, 2013) (even with the last match's victor losing his belt in eight seconds and with it leading to a push down the card)
Worst PPV: Battleground (October 6, 2013) (quite possibly the worst ending to a PPV in years)
Most Underrated: Antonio Cesaro (tied with Dolph Ziggler and Tyson Kidd. Push these people!)
Most Overrated: Randy Orton (not a terrible performer, but horrendously boring and stale this year)
Best Gimmick: The Wyatt Family (the creepiest and most unique promos this company has ever had, despite them not being tremendous performers)
Worst Gimmick: Bad News Barrett (idiotic comedy coming from a very underrated performer. Late WCW-era levels of groaning)
Best Tag Team: Cody Rhodes and Goldust (an astonishing return from the latter)
Worst Tag Team: Ryback and Curtis Axel (two negatives do not make a positive)
MATCH OF THE YEAR:
CM Punk v. Brock Lesnar (August 18, 2013)
The hype and build up to this was more than justified. Lesnar returning to the world of professional wrestling was a good reminder as to why he was so sorely missed: if booked properly, the man comes across as a monster, seemingly incapable of being stopped due to his sheer size, power, and credentials. Well, unless your name is Alistair Overeem or Cain Velasquez. That being said, along with individuals like Daniel Bryan, Antonio Cesaro, and the faction known as The Shield, CM Punk helps prevent me from changing the channel during these hard times. Perhaps you can attribute this to his demeanor, look, or honest-to-god great skills inside of the ring. Whatever the case, the resulting match was pure magic, albeit painful, cruel, and grueling. The only disappointment was the ignorance on the part of the WWE to even recognize its greatness during their own "Slammys" program at the end of the year (the borefest known as The Rock v. Cena 2 gets MOTY and this doesn't even get a NOMINATION?!). But sometimes the best matches, regardless of the sport, go unnoticed in the eyes of the corporate head honchos. This is what you should show to the folks who have since given up on this lost art form.
Honorable Mentions:
John Cena v. CM Punk (February 25, 2013)
Daniel Bryan v. John Cena (August 18, 2013)
Cody Rhodes/Goldust v. Roman Reigns/Seth Rollins (October 6, 2013)
Daniel Bryan v. Antonio Cesaro (July 22, 2013)
The Undertaker v. CM Punk (April 7, 2013)
WORST MATCH OF THE YEAR:
Total Divas v. True Divas (November 25, 2013)
Is it unfair to put a match featuring nearly every modern WWE "Diva" in this category? Possibly. But it doesn't excuse the match from being a total mess. I could go on a full fledged rant about the state of female wrestling in this company, and how they are clearly frightened to bring in any real talent (excluding "NXT's" Paige and Natalya Neidhart), but I don't feel I'd be saying anything that hasn't already been said. This was just a rushed, stupefying, and all around bad match. From what I understand, the match that preceded this the night before at Survivor Series (with the EXACT SAME TEAMS) was just as terrible, but I was working the night of that card. So this will have to do for now.
(Dis)Honorable Mentions:
Mark Henry v. Ryback (April 7, 2013)
Daniel Bryan v. Randy Orton (October 6, 2013)
Total Divas v. True Divas (any and all other times are acceptable)
BEST WRESTLER:
Daniel Bryan
While I don't believe there was a single person screwed over by a company any worse this year (save for Bellator's Eddie Alvarez), the man still transformed from mid-carder to main eventer and the fans absolutely loved every second of it. Alas, he is back down on the card, but the impact of his ascension has been felt. His "YES!" chants are more abundant than ever, more people (young and old) are talking about him than before, and if you believe the dirt sheets, he's poised for a major match at Wrestlemania that a very select few get to be a part of. I certainly hope that he's back in the title picture again soon, but even if he isn't, he may have been elevated above any title currently in the company.
Honorable Mentions:
CM Punk
John Cena (before you crucify me for this, let it be known that I can not stomach the guy, and think that about 90% of his matches are wretched to sit through. That being said, the man actually had a great year for memorable performances, including matches with the aforementioned Bryan, Punk, Damien Sandow, and the Shield. I await and welcome arguments)
WORST WRESTLER OF THE YEAR:
The Great Khali
I am completely baffled as to why this man is still on the roster. Immobile, sloppy, and embarrassing to watch these days, this former world champion has been reduced to a chest-slapping comedy character, and not a very good one at that. While I'm not completely against comedy in my wrestling, knowing that this man will most likely be confined to a wheelchair makes me more sad than anything, and I wish the WWE would just let the man retire while he is ahead.
(Dis)Honorable Mentions:
The Miz
Ryback
Eva Marie
Well, for all of you bickering and impatient people, the "fake" stuff is done and dealt with. Now, let us move on to the bloodier part of this post: the mixed martial arts awards. Before listing off my choices, I must preface this by saying that I was not witness to every single critically acclaimed bout that took place this year, as my work schedule was very erratic and I value sleep more than I ever did before (having two seizures will do that to you). So Jon Jones v. Alexander Gustafsson will be nowhere on here, simply because I have not seen it. Let's move on before you bite me in the face.
BEST FIGHT OF THE YEAR:
Mark Hunt draws Antonio "Bigfoot" Silva (December 7, 2013)
It is a miracle that both men were still standing and breathing after this war of attrition. What was all the more astonishing was that the former PRIDE FC standout and former Elite XC Heavyweight Champion are friends, having trained together multiple times at the camp known as "American Top Team." Over the course of twenty-five minutes, we witnessed two men refuse to quit, even if their own bodies would give out and their chins would deteriorate into nothingness. Covered in blood, exhausted, and most likely damaged for worse in the long run, this was an incredible bout that could go down as the best bout in the UFC's long standing heavyweight division. The announcement at the end from ring announcer Bruce Buffer of "This fight is considered a Majority Draw" would normally incite wrath from the usually irritable MMA community, but it was a fitting and comforting end to a gruesome, legendary contest, wherein we wanted to see neither warrior lose. The highlight video I have posted above does not do it justice.
Honorable Mentions:
Dennis Bermudez d. Matt Grice (February 23, 2013)
Wanderlei Silva d. Brian Stann (March 3, 2013)
Michelle Waterson d. Jessica Penne (April 5, 2013)
Matt Brown d. Jordan Mein (April 20, 2013)
Gilbert Melendez d. Diego Sanchez (October 19, 2013)
WORST FIGHT OF THE YEAR:
Ovince St. Preux d. Gian Vilante (April 27, 2013)
I'm sure there are more high profile bouts that could end up in this spot, but this one takes the cake due to the sheer incompetence of the referee involved. While the two rounds that preceded round three of this bout were very tepid and underwhelming, the decision to stop the fight due to an eye poke, without giving the recipient any time to recover and regain vision (which is usually customary), was flabbergasting. True, both men have since regained some of their former glory, each going on to win their next scheduled bouts, but this leaves a stain that can't quite be washed away.
(Dis)Honorable Mentions:
Jake Shields d. Tyron Woodley (June 15, 2013)
Rory MacDonald d. Jake Ellenberger (July 27, 2013)
Soa Palelei d. Nikita Krylov (August 31, 2013)
ROUND OF THE YEAR:
Gilbert Melendez v. Diego Sanchez: Round 3 (October 19, 2013)
What, no video you say? Well, you should probably go seek out this entire fight anyway, regardless of which round I choose to shower with praise. The original Ultimate Fighter winner proved he can still throw down and throw caution to the wind if it comes down to it, while the former Strikeforce and WEC Lightweight Champion channeled his frustration following a tough loss to former champion Benson Henderson into a sensational, blood-drawing rage that few had seen before. By the time that the final five minutes rolled around, both men looked like they had seen better days, but Sanchez came back with flurries aplenty, dropping the former champion, and even coming close to finishing the bout. A magnificent display of violence, even if it will most likely lead to permanent brain damage for both men.
Honorable Mentions:
Matt Brown v. Jordan Mein: Round 1 (April 20, 2013)
Ronda Rousey v. Liz Carmouche: Round 1 (February 23, 2013)
FIGHTER OF THE YEAR:
Demetrious Johnson
I'll eat a big ol' bowl of crow for this one. I've never been the world's biggest fan of the man nicknamed "Mighty Mouse," but he sure as hell won me over this year. Tough, fast, skilled beyond belief, and full of surprises, Johnson managed to defend his Flyweight title three separate times in 2013, with each defense being more memorable than the last. There's a special kind of criticism reserved for champions of the old guard, saying that they prefer to play it safe these days and rely on the rather unpopular form known as "point fighting" in order to keep their championships and legacy intact. Johnson is the opposite of such, constantly working for submissions in his bout with John Moraga, coming back from a near stoppage against John Dodson to attempt multiple fight-ending methods, and becoming the first individual to stop the incredibly tough Joseph Benavidez. I can not wait to see him fight again this year, even if he has cleared out most of the division.
Honorable Mentions:
Renan Barao
Robbie Lawler
Chris Weidman
Cain Velasquez
KNOCKOUT OF THE YEAR:
Chris Weidman d. Anderson Silva (July 6, 2013)
This was a rather difficult choice to make. On one hand, it may not have been the flashiest display of technique you'll see, but in terms of awe-inspiring madness, this will stand the test of time. This was the 2013 version of Fabricio Werdum upsetting Fedor Emelianenko, even if the betting odds were nowhere near as wide as that bout was. Silva's aura in the UFC was incomparable, having never lost a single fight in the octagon, and Weidman was coming off a yearlong layoff. It was assumed we'd get one of two things: an easy win for "The Spider," or five rounds of Weidman trying to grind out a decision (note: Weidman is usually a finisher, I'm just going with wrestler logic). This was the type of upset that didn't just make your jaw drop, it stuck with you weeks after it happened. Sadly, I could say the same for the terrifying result of their rematch on the final card of the year.
Honorable Mentions:
Emanuel Newton d. Muhammed "King Mo" Lawal (February 21, 2013)
Josh Thomson d. Nate Diaz (April 20, 2013)
Vitor Belfort d. Luke Rockhold (May 18, 2013)
Dong-Hyun Kim d. Erick Silva (October 9, 2013)
Douglas Lima d. Ben Saunders (September 20, 2013)
SUBMISSION OF THE YEAR:
Josh Burkman d. Jon Fitch (June 14, 2013)
Hard. As. Fuck. And not in the sexual way. It might be the only way one could describe such a shocking moment though. Fitch was still ranked in most people's top ten lists, and was coming off of an unwarranted release from the UFC. On the other end, Josh Burkman was a UFC castoff, having not competed in the organization for four years. The mostly new league, World Series of Fighting, was looking for their first truly memorable moment of the year, and Burkman's cold killer mentality during and after the fight provided them with it. True, infamously inept referee Steve Mazzagatti deserves a wag of the finger for not noticing Fitch was unconscious following the guillotine choke that Burkman applied, but at least Josh had enough sense to let go when he felt his opponent (who he had lost to seven years prior) go limp. This was the MMA equivalent of a Rotten Sound song: short, angry, brutal, and very sweet.
Honorable Mentions:
Rose Namajunas d. Kathina Catron (April 5, 2013)
Anthony Pettis d. Benson Henderson (August 31, 2013)
Michelle Waterson d. Jessica Penne (April 5, 2013)
Erick Silva d. Jason High (June 8, 2013)
ROBBERY OF THE YEAR:
Phil Davis d. Lyoto Machida (August 3, 2013)
If Krusty the Clown didn't describe this perfectly (there is no highlight video for a reason), I'll just state that I partially blame this atrocious decision for my first of two seizures this year, given that not even twelve hours later, I was waking up in the hospital with no recollection of how I arrived. Most judges are still scoring fights based on who presses forward more, or if they even manage to sneak one good takedown into the rather uneventful fray. Sadly, this archaic mindset will probably never fade away, and the sometimes controversial Machida was robbed of a big victory in his own home country. Thankfully, things look up for the former Light Heavyweight Champion as he has dropped down to Middleweight, and looks to begin a new campaign of splitting wigs.
(Dis)Honorable Mentions
Georges St-Pierre d. Johny Hendricks (November 16, 2013)
Francis Carmont d. Lorenz Larkin (April 20, 2013)
Diego Sanchez d. Takanori Gomi (March 3, 2013)
BEST CARD OF THE YEAR:
UFC on Fuel TV 10: Nogueira v. Werdum (June 8, 2013)
Setting the record for "most submissions" in a single event isn't easy to do, but you have to give the Brazilians on this card props, since they went fairly crazy at this event and set the record at eight. True, a lot of these bouts seemed custom-made for easy victories, but entertainment is entertainment, regardless of the caliber of competition involved. Thiago Silva managed to snag his first clean victory in four years, Erick Silva secured a beautiful triangle-armbar combination on the returning Jason High, the Ultimate Fighter Brazil 2 finale bout didn't end up looking like a joke, and Fabricio Werdum showed off his always impressive Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu by submitting the legendary Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira, which is certainly no easy task. The crowd seemed to be smiling and celebrating throughout this entire evening, and one certainly couldn't blame them as they were getting their money's worth and more.
Honorable Mentions:
UFC on Fox Sports 1: Shogun v. Sonnen (August 17, 2013)
UFC Fight For the Troops 3 (November 6, 2013)
UFC 168 (December 28, 2013)
WORST CARD OF THE YEAR:
UFC 161
Like last year's recipient (the truly bad UFC 149), this had potential. A proposed rematch years in the making (Mauricio Rua v. Antonio Rogerio Nogueira) and an interim title fight (Renan Barao v. Eddie Wineland) could have made this worthwhile. Instead, a decrepit and disappointing match between Rashad Evans and Dan Henderson drew low PPV buys, and little-to-nothing in the way of fan interest. Couple that with a terrible prelim closer (Jake Shields v. Tyron Woodley did not help draw in skeptics, and may have provided them with a nice nap), and you have the clearcut winner for the worst mixed martial arts card of the year.
(Dis)Honorable Mentions:
UFC 159 (April 27, 2013)
Bellator Fighting Championships Inaugural PPV (November 2, 2013. Notable because the entire thing NEVER ENDED UP HAPPENING)
And there you have it for part one of my delayed, but fairly packed Best and Worst of 2013. In terms of other notable incidents worth talking about from the worlds of professional wrestling and mixed martial arts, I think the WWE Network sounds like a phenomenal deal, and the UFC Fight Pass can bite my scrotum. If there was an upset of the year, I'd say that Daniel Strauss defeating Pat Curran at the Bellator show on November 2nd would be my clearcut winner, though Robbie Lawler defeating Rory MacDonald is a very close second. Come back soon(ish) for the best of the rest, featuring my favorite and least favorite picks in music and movies!
Let us start with the WWE, since it will be easier and quicker to write about. And speaking of quicker and easier, my own lethargy will help get some of these other categories out of the way.
Best PPV: Summerslam 2013 (August 18, 2013) (even with the last match's victor losing his belt in eight seconds and with it leading to a push down the card)
Worst PPV: Battleground (October 6, 2013) (quite possibly the worst ending to a PPV in years)
Most Underrated: Antonio Cesaro (tied with Dolph Ziggler and Tyson Kidd. Push these people!)
Most Overrated: Randy Orton (not a terrible performer, but horrendously boring and stale this year)
Best Gimmick: The Wyatt Family (the creepiest and most unique promos this company has ever had, despite them not being tremendous performers)
Worst Gimmick: Bad News Barrett (idiotic comedy coming from a very underrated performer. Late WCW-era levels of groaning)
Best Tag Team: Cody Rhodes and Goldust (an astonishing return from the latter)
Worst Tag Team: Ryback and Curtis Axel (two negatives do not make a positive)
MATCH OF THE YEAR:
CM Punk v. Brock Lesnar (August 18, 2013)
The hype and build up to this was more than justified. Lesnar returning to the world of professional wrestling was a good reminder as to why he was so sorely missed: if booked properly, the man comes across as a monster, seemingly incapable of being stopped due to his sheer size, power, and credentials. Well, unless your name is Alistair Overeem or Cain Velasquez. That being said, along with individuals like Daniel Bryan, Antonio Cesaro, and the faction known as The Shield, CM Punk helps prevent me from changing the channel during these hard times. Perhaps you can attribute this to his demeanor, look, or honest-to-god great skills inside of the ring. Whatever the case, the resulting match was pure magic, albeit painful, cruel, and grueling. The only disappointment was the ignorance on the part of the WWE to even recognize its greatness during their own "Slammys" program at the end of the year (the borefest known as The Rock v. Cena 2 gets MOTY and this doesn't even get a NOMINATION?!). But sometimes the best matches, regardless of the sport, go unnoticed in the eyes of the corporate head honchos. This is what you should show to the folks who have since given up on this lost art form.
Honorable Mentions:
John Cena v. CM Punk (February 25, 2013)
Daniel Bryan v. John Cena (August 18, 2013)
Cody Rhodes/Goldust v. Roman Reigns/Seth Rollins (October 6, 2013)
Daniel Bryan v. Antonio Cesaro (July 22, 2013)
The Undertaker v. CM Punk (April 7, 2013)
WORST MATCH OF THE YEAR:
Total Divas v. True Divas (November 25, 2013)
Is it unfair to put a match featuring nearly every modern WWE "Diva" in this category? Possibly. But it doesn't excuse the match from being a total mess. I could go on a full fledged rant about the state of female wrestling in this company, and how they are clearly frightened to bring in any real talent (excluding "NXT's" Paige and Natalya Neidhart), but I don't feel I'd be saying anything that hasn't already been said. This was just a rushed, stupefying, and all around bad match. From what I understand, the match that preceded this the night before at Survivor Series (with the EXACT SAME TEAMS) was just as terrible, but I was working the night of that card. So this will have to do for now.
(Dis)Honorable Mentions:
Mark Henry v. Ryback (April 7, 2013)
Daniel Bryan v. Randy Orton (October 6, 2013)
Total Divas v. True Divas (any and all other times are acceptable)
BEST WRESTLER:
Daniel Bryan
While I don't believe there was a single person screwed over by a company any worse this year (save for Bellator's Eddie Alvarez), the man still transformed from mid-carder to main eventer and the fans absolutely loved every second of it. Alas, he is back down on the card, but the impact of his ascension has been felt. His "YES!" chants are more abundant than ever, more people (young and old) are talking about him than before, and if you believe the dirt sheets, he's poised for a major match at Wrestlemania that a very select few get to be a part of. I certainly hope that he's back in the title picture again soon, but even if he isn't, he may have been elevated above any title currently in the company.
Honorable Mentions:
CM Punk
John Cena (before you crucify me for this, let it be known that I can not stomach the guy, and think that about 90% of his matches are wretched to sit through. That being said, the man actually had a great year for memorable performances, including matches with the aforementioned Bryan, Punk, Damien Sandow, and the Shield. I await and welcome arguments)
WORST WRESTLER OF THE YEAR:
The Great Khali
I am completely baffled as to why this man is still on the roster. Immobile, sloppy, and embarrassing to watch these days, this former world champion has been reduced to a chest-slapping comedy character, and not a very good one at that. While I'm not completely against comedy in my wrestling, knowing that this man will most likely be confined to a wheelchair makes me more sad than anything, and I wish the WWE would just let the man retire while he is ahead.
(Dis)Honorable Mentions:
The Miz
Ryback
Eva Marie
Well, for all of you bickering and impatient people, the "fake" stuff is done and dealt with. Now, let us move on to the bloodier part of this post: the mixed martial arts awards. Before listing off my choices, I must preface this by saying that I was not witness to every single critically acclaimed bout that took place this year, as my work schedule was very erratic and I value sleep more than I ever did before (having two seizures will do that to you). So Jon Jones v. Alexander Gustafsson will be nowhere on here, simply because I have not seen it. Let's move on before you bite me in the face.
BEST FIGHT OF THE YEAR:
Mark Hunt draws Antonio "Bigfoot" Silva (December 7, 2013)
It is a miracle that both men were still standing and breathing after this war of attrition. What was all the more astonishing was that the former PRIDE FC standout and former Elite XC Heavyweight Champion are friends, having trained together multiple times at the camp known as "American Top Team." Over the course of twenty-five minutes, we witnessed two men refuse to quit, even if their own bodies would give out and their chins would deteriorate into nothingness. Covered in blood, exhausted, and most likely damaged for worse in the long run, this was an incredible bout that could go down as the best bout in the UFC's long standing heavyweight division. The announcement at the end from ring announcer Bruce Buffer of "This fight is considered a Majority Draw" would normally incite wrath from the usually irritable MMA community, but it was a fitting and comforting end to a gruesome, legendary contest, wherein we wanted to see neither warrior lose. The highlight video I have posted above does not do it justice.
Honorable Mentions:
Dennis Bermudez d. Matt Grice (February 23, 2013)
Wanderlei Silva d. Brian Stann (March 3, 2013)
Michelle Waterson d. Jessica Penne (April 5, 2013)
Matt Brown d. Jordan Mein (April 20, 2013)
Gilbert Melendez d. Diego Sanchez (October 19, 2013)
WORST FIGHT OF THE YEAR:
Ovince St. Preux d. Gian Vilante (April 27, 2013)
I'm sure there are more high profile bouts that could end up in this spot, but this one takes the cake due to the sheer incompetence of the referee involved. While the two rounds that preceded round three of this bout were very tepid and underwhelming, the decision to stop the fight due to an eye poke, without giving the recipient any time to recover and regain vision (which is usually customary), was flabbergasting. True, both men have since regained some of their former glory, each going on to win their next scheduled bouts, but this leaves a stain that can't quite be washed away.
(Dis)Honorable Mentions:
Jake Shields d. Tyron Woodley (June 15, 2013)
Rory MacDonald d. Jake Ellenberger (July 27, 2013)
Soa Palelei d. Nikita Krylov (August 31, 2013)
ROUND OF THE YEAR:
Gilbert Melendez v. Diego Sanchez: Round 3 (October 19, 2013)
What, no video you say? Well, you should probably go seek out this entire fight anyway, regardless of which round I choose to shower with praise. The original Ultimate Fighter winner proved he can still throw down and throw caution to the wind if it comes down to it, while the former Strikeforce and WEC Lightweight Champion channeled his frustration following a tough loss to former champion Benson Henderson into a sensational, blood-drawing rage that few had seen before. By the time that the final five minutes rolled around, both men looked like they had seen better days, but Sanchez came back with flurries aplenty, dropping the former champion, and even coming close to finishing the bout. A magnificent display of violence, even if it will most likely lead to permanent brain damage for both men.
Honorable Mentions:
Matt Brown v. Jordan Mein: Round 1 (April 20, 2013)
Ronda Rousey v. Liz Carmouche: Round 1 (February 23, 2013)
FIGHTER OF THE YEAR:
Demetrious Johnson
I'll eat a big ol' bowl of crow for this one. I've never been the world's biggest fan of the man nicknamed "Mighty Mouse," but he sure as hell won me over this year. Tough, fast, skilled beyond belief, and full of surprises, Johnson managed to defend his Flyweight title three separate times in 2013, with each defense being more memorable than the last. There's a special kind of criticism reserved for champions of the old guard, saying that they prefer to play it safe these days and rely on the rather unpopular form known as "point fighting" in order to keep their championships and legacy intact. Johnson is the opposite of such, constantly working for submissions in his bout with John Moraga, coming back from a near stoppage against John Dodson to attempt multiple fight-ending methods, and becoming the first individual to stop the incredibly tough Joseph Benavidez. I can not wait to see him fight again this year, even if he has cleared out most of the division.
Honorable Mentions:
Renan Barao
Robbie Lawler
Chris Weidman
Cain Velasquez
KNOCKOUT OF THE YEAR:
Chris Weidman d. Anderson Silva (July 6, 2013)
This was a rather difficult choice to make. On one hand, it may not have been the flashiest display of technique you'll see, but in terms of awe-inspiring madness, this will stand the test of time. This was the 2013 version of Fabricio Werdum upsetting Fedor Emelianenko, even if the betting odds were nowhere near as wide as that bout was. Silva's aura in the UFC was incomparable, having never lost a single fight in the octagon, and Weidman was coming off a yearlong layoff. It was assumed we'd get one of two things: an easy win for "The Spider," or five rounds of Weidman trying to grind out a decision (note: Weidman is usually a finisher, I'm just going with wrestler logic). This was the type of upset that didn't just make your jaw drop, it stuck with you weeks after it happened. Sadly, I could say the same for the terrifying result of their rematch on the final card of the year.
Honorable Mentions:
Emanuel Newton d. Muhammed "King Mo" Lawal (February 21, 2013)
Josh Thomson d. Nate Diaz (April 20, 2013)
Vitor Belfort d. Luke Rockhold (May 18, 2013)
Dong-Hyun Kim d. Erick Silva (October 9, 2013)
Douglas Lima d. Ben Saunders (September 20, 2013)
SUBMISSION OF THE YEAR:
Josh Burkman d. Jon Fitch (June 14, 2013)
Hard. As. Fuck. And not in the sexual way. It might be the only way one could describe such a shocking moment though. Fitch was still ranked in most people's top ten lists, and was coming off of an unwarranted release from the UFC. On the other end, Josh Burkman was a UFC castoff, having not competed in the organization for four years. The mostly new league, World Series of Fighting, was looking for their first truly memorable moment of the year, and Burkman's cold killer mentality during and after the fight provided them with it. True, infamously inept referee Steve Mazzagatti deserves a wag of the finger for not noticing Fitch was unconscious following the guillotine choke that Burkman applied, but at least Josh had enough sense to let go when he felt his opponent (who he had lost to seven years prior) go limp. This was the MMA equivalent of a Rotten Sound song: short, angry, brutal, and very sweet.
Honorable Mentions:
Rose Namajunas d. Kathina Catron (April 5, 2013)
Anthony Pettis d. Benson Henderson (August 31, 2013)
Michelle Waterson d. Jessica Penne (April 5, 2013)
Erick Silva d. Jason High (June 8, 2013)
ROBBERY OF THE YEAR:
Phil Davis d. Lyoto Machida (August 3, 2013)
If Krusty the Clown didn't describe this perfectly (there is no highlight video for a reason), I'll just state that I partially blame this atrocious decision for my first of two seizures this year, given that not even twelve hours later, I was waking up in the hospital with no recollection of how I arrived. Most judges are still scoring fights based on who presses forward more, or if they even manage to sneak one good takedown into the rather uneventful fray. Sadly, this archaic mindset will probably never fade away, and the sometimes controversial Machida was robbed of a big victory in his own home country. Thankfully, things look up for the former Light Heavyweight Champion as he has dropped down to Middleweight, and looks to begin a new campaign of splitting wigs.
(Dis)Honorable Mentions
Georges St-Pierre d. Johny Hendricks (November 16, 2013)
Francis Carmont d. Lorenz Larkin (April 20, 2013)
Diego Sanchez d. Takanori Gomi (March 3, 2013)
BEST CARD OF THE YEAR:
UFC on Fuel TV 10: Nogueira v. Werdum (June 8, 2013)
Setting the record for "most submissions" in a single event isn't easy to do, but you have to give the Brazilians on this card props, since they went fairly crazy at this event and set the record at eight. True, a lot of these bouts seemed custom-made for easy victories, but entertainment is entertainment, regardless of the caliber of competition involved. Thiago Silva managed to snag his first clean victory in four years, Erick Silva secured a beautiful triangle-armbar combination on the returning Jason High, the Ultimate Fighter Brazil 2 finale bout didn't end up looking like a joke, and Fabricio Werdum showed off his always impressive Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu by submitting the legendary Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira, which is certainly no easy task. The crowd seemed to be smiling and celebrating throughout this entire evening, and one certainly couldn't blame them as they were getting their money's worth and more.
Honorable Mentions:
UFC on Fox Sports 1: Shogun v. Sonnen (August 17, 2013)
UFC Fight For the Troops 3 (November 6, 2013)
UFC 168 (December 28, 2013)
WORST CARD OF THE YEAR:
UFC 161
Like last year's recipient (the truly bad UFC 149), this had potential. A proposed rematch years in the making (Mauricio Rua v. Antonio Rogerio Nogueira) and an interim title fight (Renan Barao v. Eddie Wineland) could have made this worthwhile. Instead, a decrepit and disappointing match between Rashad Evans and Dan Henderson drew low PPV buys, and little-to-nothing in the way of fan interest. Couple that with a terrible prelim closer (Jake Shields v. Tyron Woodley did not help draw in skeptics, and may have provided them with a nice nap), and you have the clearcut winner for the worst mixed martial arts card of the year.
(Dis)Honorable Mentions:
UFC 159 (April 27, 2013)
Bellator Fighting Championships Inaugural PPV (November 2, 2013. Notable because the entire thing NEVER ENDED UP HAPPENING)
And there you have it for part one of my delayed, but fairly packed Best and Worst of 2013. In terms of other notable incidents worth talking about from the worlds of professional wrestling and mixed martial arts, I think the WWE Network sounds like a phenomenal deal, and the UFC Fight Pass can bite my scrotum. If there was an upset of the year, I'd say that Daniel Strauss defeating Pat Curran at the Bellator show on November 2nd would be my clearcut winner, though Robbie Lawler defeating Rory MacDonald is a very close second. Come back soon(ish) for the best of the rest, featuring my favorite and least favorite picks in music and movies!
Saturday, July 20, 2013
A Double Dose of WWE Studios: The Call (2013) Review & Dead Man Down (2013) Review
It occurred to me the other day that we're past the halfway point of 2013, and this blog has been conspicuously empty for the most part. As I pointed out in my Pacific Rim review, however, I just haven't been thrilled by the release schedule this year when it comes to major motion pictures. That won't stop me from attempting to catch up to fellow moviegoers though. So one trip to the Redbox later, and BAM! We're back on track. I'll work on further reviews in the coming days as well, but for now, we have two pictures with the backing of WWE Studios (yes this is a real thing) to tackle.
In all seriousness though, The Call has the potential to be just another motion picture that could have been rejected by the Lifetime Network. It has all the makings of one of their films:
-Evil male antagonist? Check.
-Girl(s) in danger? Check.
-Needless and pointless side characters, including one played by jobber David Otunga? Check.
-Dialogue that belongs in an evening crime drama show? Check.
-Tacked on "Girl Power!" message? Check.
Shockingly, however, something about The Call works. At least, by rental standards. That something could be the surprisingly decent performances from Halle Berry and Abigail Breslin. I feel somewhat bad for the former, as her stature in Hollywood has certainly been knocked down a few pegs over the years, and she's proven to be a capable actress when she needs to be. The script calls for her to be tense in all the right moments, and unsure of herself at all of the others. While her character does seem to rebound rather quickly after the film's initial kidnapping sequence/murder (and I'm not talking about the six month gap), it doesn't take you out of the film. Breslin plays kidnap victim #2, and spends most of her time looking panicked or acting terrified. To be fair, if you were in her shoes, you'd most likely be acting the same way. I've never heard of a kidnap victim acting remarkably calm, and chances are that if they were, they'd be in on the act itself.
For the first two thirds of The Call, the film has the viewer's attention, even with its obvious flaws and fairly predictable outline. This brings me to the collective turd in the punchbowl: its third act. I've never seen a thriller take such a dive in terms of quality so quickly. I wonder if this may have been tacked on from another unfinished project, as it feels like a completely different film altogether and delves into the realm of the absurd. Our resident scumbag kidnapper is played by Michael Eklund, who looks like Ethan Hawke after serving hard time for a drug bust. There are attempts to humanize the guy along the way, but I don't think any of them worked particularly well, and all seemed somewhat unnecessary. Couple that with some absolutely ridiculous twists that unravel over time related to the character, plus a rather abrupt (and out of character) ending, and it ends up turning the third act into contrived garbage that is derivative of better thrillers.
Hmm.....perhaps it isn't too radically different from a Lifetime Channel film after all, save for the additional moments of surprising violence and the occasional vulgar word (hearing the little girl from Little Miss Sunshine call someone a "motherfucker" is quite amusing). Well, regardless, this is a fun rental or future Netflix viewing, but I can only recommend it with caution.
Maybe a more well known cast can bring me out of the funk that the last third of The Call left me in...
Victor, a crime boss' right hand man, finds himself intrigued by his female neighbor, who wishes for him to assist in exacting revenge on the man who scarred her in a car accident. After she attempts to blackmail him into committing the hit, she slowly discovers his past, and we learn that all is not what it seems, with Victor's position within the crime syndicate holding many secrets.
Why do you do this to me Colin Farrell? Every time you get back on my good side with a picture like Seven Psychopaths, you end up dumping a mess like Dead Man Down in my lap. *sigh* If that plot synopsis sounds a bit on the basic or simplistic side, it may be because describing this picture without spoiling anything is nearly impossible. For that matter, piecing together the actual film itself can be a real task. I contemplated if the writers had snorted too much cocaine while writing the initial draft, and when they came down from their high, they forgot to add logic, interesting characters, or action.
For starters, nothing in Dead Man Down seems like it could have existed in the real world, despite it trying to be somewhat based in it. There is a sequence of Colin Farrell opening fire in an open area from above that brings about no consequence, and no police. This also leads to an action scene involving a building and several murders, and yet again, nothing. Noomi Rapace's character is the subject of a very odd side plot involving her character being physically scarred from a car accident so badly, that all the neighborhood kids taunt (and even throw rocks at) her, calling her a monster. This wouldn't be a problem if Rapace still didn't look like an attractive woman, and if her scars were more visible. But they aren't. It just seemed like an awkward plot device that doesn't really go anywhere and is just plain badly used. She also points out in the beginning act that it legitimately hurts for her to smile, which they also seem to forget about rather quickly.
Speaking of the talented Ms. Rapace, she and Dominic Cooper seem to be the only ones really trying to get the best they can from this mess of a script, even if the latter's character did feel like a reject from The Departed. As for the others, Farrell just has nothing to work with, and neither does Terrance Howard, who I'm sure is still regretting not choosing to continue on as James Rhodes/War Machine in the Marvel Cinematic Universe. As cruel as it may sound, don't be shocked if within a few years, the man starts appearing in Asylum films like Sharknado vs. Gatorquake. In Farrell's case, you just feel bad for the actor himself rather than his character, since we've seen types like Victor in nearly every type of thriller/crime movie out there.
There are two lines halfway through Dead Man Down (coincidentally when it attempts to finally give the audience an explanation for any confusion we've been witnessing) that can perfectly sum up the film better than I ever could:
CF: Now you know everything.
NR: No. No, I don't.
Ultimately, this one was way too slow and pieced together too awkwardly for me to recommend, even to diehard fans of these actors. Hell, even wrestler Wade Barrett doesn't have much to do, especially during the "too little, too late" final action sequence. Stick with any other revenge thriller released within the past few years, like I Saw The Devil, Taken or even Quentin Tarantino's recent works.
Six months after a traumatic incident in the past drove her from her profession of several years, a veteran 9-1-1 operator receives a call from a recently kidnapped teenage girl. Hoping to prevent a repeat of the past, she takes the call and thus begins an effort to save the young lady.
First off, a big wag of the finger to WWE Studios for not using the Mr. McMahon theme a single time throughout its ninety minute running time. Let's be honest, it would have fit in perfectly at any point, regardless of the subject matter.
In all seriousness though, The Call has the potential to be just another motion picture that could have been rejected by the Lifetime Network. It has all the makings of one of their films:
-Evil male antagonist? Check.
-Girl(s) in danger? Check.
-Needless and pointless side characters, including one played by jobber David Otunga? Check.
-Dialogue that belongs in an evening crime drama show? Check.
-Tacked on "Girl Power!" message? Check.
Shockingly, however, something about The Call works. At least, by rental standards. That something could be the surprisingly decent performances from Halle Berry and Abigail Breslin. I feel somewhat bad for the former, as her stature in Hollywood has certainly been knocked down a few pegs over the years, and she's proven to be a capable actress when she needs to be. The script calls for her to be tense in all the right moments, and unsure of herself at all of the others. While her character does seem to rebound rather quickly after the film's initial kidnapping sequence/murder (and I'm not talking about the six month gap), it doesn't take you out of the film. Breslin plays kidnap victim #2, and spends most of her time looking panicked or acting terrified. To be fair, if you were in her shoes, you'd most likely be acting the same way. I've never heard of a kidnap victim acting remarkably calm, and chances are that if they were, they'd be in on the act itself.
For the first two thirds of The Call, the film has the viewer's attention, even with its obvious flaws and fairly predictable outline. This brings me to the collective turd in the punchbowl: its third act. I've never seen a thriller take such a dive in terms of quality so quickly. I wonder if this may have been tacked on from another unfinished project, as it feels like a completely different film altogether and delves into the realm of the absurd. Our resident scumbag kidnapper is played by Michael Eklund, who looks like Ethan Hawke after serving hard time for a drug bust. There are attempts to humanize the guy along the way, but I don't think any of them worked particularly well, and all seemed somewhat unnecessary. Couple that with some absolutely ridiculous twists that unravel over time related to the character, plus a rather abrupt (and out of character) ending, and it ends up turning the third act into contrived garbage that is derivative of better thrillers.
Hmm.....perhaps it isn't too radically different from a Lifetime Channel film after all, save for the additional moments of surprising violence and the occasional vulgar word (hearing the little girl from Little Miss Sunshine call someone a "motherfucker" is quite amusing). Well, regardless, this is a fun rental or future Netflix viewing, but I can only recommend it with caution.
Maybe a more well known cast can bring me out of the funk that the last third of The Call left me in...
Victor, a crime boss' right hand man, finds himself intrigued by his female neighbor, who wishes for him to assist in exacting revenge on the man who scarred her in a car accident. After she attempts to blackmail him into committing the hit, she slowly discovers his past, and we learn that all is not what it seems, with Victor's position within the crime syndicate holding many secrets.
Why do you do this to me Colin Farrell? Every time you get back on my good side with a picture like Seven Psychopaths, you end up dumping a mess like Dead Man Down in my lap. *sigh* If that plot synopsis sounds a bit on the basic or simplistic side, it may be because describing this picture without spoiling anything is nearly impossible. For that matter, piecing together the actual film itself can be a real task. I contemplated if the writers had snorted too much cocaine while writing the initial draft, and when they came down from their high, they forgot to add logic, interesting characters, or action.
For starters, nothing in Dead Man Down seems like it could have existed in the real world, despite it trying to be somewhat based in it. There is a sequence of Colin Farrell opening fire in an open area from above that brings about no consequence, and no police. This also leads to an action scene involving a building and several murders, and yet again, nothing. Noomi Rapace's character is the subject of a very odd side plot involving her character being physically scarred from a car accident so badly, that all the neighborhood kids taunt (and even throw rocks at) her, calling her a monster. This wouldn't be a problem if Rapace still didn't look like an attractive woman, and if her scars were more visible. But they aren't. It just seemed like an awkward plot device that doesn't really go anywhere and is just plain badly used. She also points out in the beginning act that it legitimately hurts for her to smile, which they also seem to forget about rather quickly.
Speaking of the talented Ms. Rapace, she and Dominic Cooper seem to be the only ones really trying to get the best they can from this mess of a script, even if the latter's character did feel like a reject from The Departed. As for the others, Farrell just has nothing to work with, and neither does Terrance Howard, who I'm sure is still regretting not choosing to continue on as James Rhodes/War Machine in the Marvel Cinematic Universe. As cruel as it may sound, don't be shocked if within a few years, the man starts appearing in Asylum films like Sharknado vs. Gatorquake. In Farrell's case, you just feel bad for the actor himself rather than his character, since we've seen types like Victor in nearly every type of thriller/crime movie out there.
There are two lines halfway through Dead Man Down (coincidentally when it attempts to finally give the audience an explanation for any confusion we've been witnessing) that can perfectly sum up the film better than I ever could:
CF: Now you know everything.
NR: No. No, I don't.
Ultimately, this one was way too slow and pieced together too awkwardly for me to recommend, even to diehard fans of these actors. Hell, even wrestler Wade Barrett doesn't have much to do, especially during the "too little, too late" final action sequence. Stick with any other revenge thriller released within the past few years, like I Saw The Devil, Taken or even Quentin Tarantino's recent works.
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