Krampus (2015) Movie Review

While wrapping up my review for director Mike Dougherty's second full-length foray into the realm of horror-comedy, it occurred to me that I never published a full review for my final entry in 2015's iteration of Unseen Terror. Yes, I did watch one production released during these past eleven months that could technically qualify as "Day 31" (which would be Tremors 5: Bloodlines), but I considered that to be more of a bonus than an actual posting. So, here is a very quick summary of my thoughts on the big screen adaptation of author R.L. Stine's beloved Goosebumps!



It's an amusing flick that serves as not just a good stepping stone for the next generation to get into horror films of yesteryear, but also as a genuinely fun experience for individuals such as ourselves who grew up idolizing and adoring the golden and silver ages of scarier pictures. Highly recommended, especially if you have younger family members of your own. Still, I wish they had
somehow found a way to incorporate Monster Blood into the equation.



There, are ya happy you (nonexistent) harpies?.....Okay, maybe I'll do a more realized and fleshed out review sometime in the future, but I'd strongly prefer to watch it again so that I may refresh my memory when it comes to little things that either intrigued or disappointed me. Anyways, let us move on to the main subject of today's discussion.

Several days before Christmas, young Max is dreading a yearly visit from the assorted members of his mother's side of the family. While he wishes to continue with what can only be referred to as a "traditional" Xmas celebration and get-together, mounting tensions and disapproval between the adults and their own offspring prevent true happiness and comfort from occurring. Frustrated and upset with the entire situation, Max storms upstairs, angrily tears up a letter initially written for Santa Claus, and tosses it out of his window. Within no time, a massive snowstorm hits, cutting off all power around town. Trapped in the abode, the people of the household scrounge up what they can in order to stay warm and safe, but something far more sinister has surfaced outside: a demonic entity known only as "Krampus," who has come not to reward those who celebrate the holiday, but to punish instead.



As mentioned above, Ohio native (and all around cool guy) Michael Dougherty isn't a stranger to the realm of theme-based horror films. Quite a few years ago, the man dropped a ditty of a gem titled Trick 'r Treat, in which a series of short, clever stories set during Halloween night intertwined with one another, concocting easily the best anthology in the genre since George Romero's 1982 classic Creepshow. To say that expectations of his next project were high is perhaps the biggest understatement of this entire blog's history.


Thankfully, all of the anticipation pays off, as Krampus is the right kind of fun that is sorely needed in a time where folks such as myself are in desperate need of a good old-fashioned dose of fantasy to help us escape from a rather grim, and often more terrifying reality. Dougherty, along with his fellow cowriters Zach Shields and Todd Casey, concoct a picture that manages to take its PG-13 rating and run it to the very brink of insanity (in the best way possible). As pretentious as it may sound, the trio "get it." They aren't here to change the game, but they are damn sure determined to make sure that you and your friends will have something to talk and smile about after all is said and done.


Much like its predecessor, Krampus boasts a nice cast of recognizable faces to help lure in the casual viewer. Max's (Emjay Anthony) own family includes fan favorites such as Adam Scott (Parks and Recreation) and Toni Colette (Little Miss Sunshine, United States of Tara), but the young man himself should seem familiar to fans of 2014's comedy Chef. Comedic stalwarts such as David Koechner (Anchorman, The Office) and Conchata Ferrell (Two And A Half Men) also pop up as vibrant, if not slightly embarrassing members of the protagonist's extended family. They all provide important roles, and even if they aren't necessarily relatable human beings, the stereotypes of what they are based off of will seem and sound all too familiar to anybody who has ever dreaded seeing that one particular member that shares your name or connected tree. As wonderful as their presence can be at times, one can't help but feel that the latter's own children could fall into the dreaded "red shirt" category that admittedly befall a large amount of holiday-themed horror pictures. Still, these complaints are quite minor when you witness one of these brats being attacked by the titular being's own demonic, mischievous toys.


Oh I am truly sorry, did I mention those? Well, the numerous trailers certainly gave us a brief glimpse into Krampus' sack, but you honestly have no idea how fabulously creative and hilariously demented the sequences that involve these little critters really are. I would implore that you refrain from searching or googling anything beyond a still frame of the flick, because it will ruin and tarnish some of the surprise. Because of its safer rating branding, the decided lack of bloodshed and gore may break the hearts of more fickle and finicky fans, but what it lacks in violence, it makes up for in spades with pure, ballsy, and uncommon entertainment. Hell, to be perfectly honest, keeping my mouth shut on aspects of Krampus' greatness is just eating away at me. I would love to talk about the Coraline-esque animated segment sewed seamlessly into the story, but as someone who thoroughly detests spoilers, I shall respectfully remain silent.


The amount of love and admiration for classics of the past is quite easy to spot in Krampus, and over time, I could see it making a run for a spot in the list for best christmas-based horror films of all time. Yes, it is new, and yes, it does have some small problems here and there, but if you yearn for the same type of enjoyment, zaniness, and occasional jumps that you first experienced with pictures like Gremlins, then I can assuredly guarantee you that Krampus is right up your alley. Even if your interest is only marginal, I strongly encourage that you pay your hard-earned cash to catch it a theater, as we need more unique and free-flowing ideas to make their way to cinemas, rather than retreads or remakes.


Plus, why wait for only the new Star Wars movie? Let's support the little guy for once.

Jingle All The Way 2 (2014) Review

Wow. Just wow. I didn't realize that it has been a little over an entire month since I last updated this blog with a new film review. If my memory hasn't completely faded, then I recall saying that a post-Unseen Terror wrap-up was coming very soon. Searching through my drafts, I did see what was to be, but never came about. So, maybe I'll do something like that with any upcoming free time (it has been fairly hellacious at work).


*looks at the post title* Ah shit, there's a review to do right now though, isn't there?

Divorced dad Larry wants nothing but the best for his eight-year-old daughter Noel. Though he provides her with plenty of free time, fun, and social activities, he just can't compete with her rich, new stepdad Victor. Attempting to think of ways to please the young lady, he secretly peeks at her letter to Santa Claus. In it, he discovers that her utmost desire is this season's hottest toy: an electronic, voice-recording item called The Harrison Bear. When Victor also discovers this request, he sets out to beat the trailer-bound Southerner to the demanded plaything. Over the course of several nights, the two begin a race to Noel's heart, hoping that she will thank one of them for the best Christmas ever.


If it wasn't known to all of my friends who occasionally frequent this page, I reviewed one of WWE Studios' latest attempts at making themselves a more respectable commodity in the rather crowed movie industry. Around that time period, two more straight-to-video releases found their ways to the Redboxes and On-Demand channels of the world in the form of See No Evil 2 and Jingle All The Way 2. For reasons that I am honest-to-god not sure of, I've decided to sit down and watch both within this past week. A review for their horror-themed flick should be coming within the next few days, but for now, and before I head off to see Crowbar and Unearth play in Wilmington, North Carolina tonight, let's get this one out of the way.


There isn't a whole lot that I personally like about 1996's Jingle All The Way, though I can certainly understand as to why it has a fairly decent following among connoisseurs of bad cinema. Much like a good portion of sequels released far after their predecessors' times have passed, the news of a second installment being released in this new decade befuddled me. Sure, Arnold Schwarzenegger has fallen on hard times, and most of his recent projects have bombed critically and financially, but I doubted that he would sink to a level this low. That and he did have an unmistakable presence that kept you watching throughout its ninety two minutes of mediocrity.


To the surprise of abso-fucking-lutely nobody, standup comedian Larry The Cable Guy (whose protagonist is also named Larry) is not Arnold Schwarzenegger. Truth be told, he isn't even Michael Dudikoff. For most of Jingle All The Way 2's running time (it runs only one minute longer than the prior picture), he is playing an even stupider version of his on-stage persona, with traits and pratfalls borrowed from the late Jim Varney. Most of Larry's scenes consist of him getting physically abused by children, the elderly, or by some unseen deity who hates bad jokes and the overuse of the "womp womp"-style of humor. Also unlike Arnold's fourth attempt at a comedic role is his lack of a true rival. Sure, you might be looking at the cast list and see that actor Sinbad is nowhere to be found (when you can say that he of all people has more dignity than this, you know you're in trouble), but professional wrestler Santino Marella is. After all, his own personality on television is that of an exaggerated, goofy Italian stereotype, so maybe he can bring something worthwhile to this treatment of excrement. Well, you are gravely mistaken. He serves as a pseudo-sidekick, and save for a mere bit of foreshadowing in the first ten minutes, only pops in here and there to say something of absolutely no merit or importance. Worst of all is that he isn't even in character when he does enter the fray. The picture's central antagonist is Victor, played by occasional Michael Bay buddy Brian Stepanek. Until the thirty minute mark had passed, I didn't even suspect that he had any nefarious schemes or tricks whatsoever, as they spent a good portion of the first act making our "hero" out to look like an annoying redneck and making Victor look like a struggling, eager-to-please stepfather. Then again, expecting consistency in a film written by the man who brought us Without A Paddle: Nature's Calling and directed by the individual who shat out Chairman Of The Board seemed like something that was utterly, utterly hopeless.


As if this wasn't obvious, there is nothing redeeming about Jingle All The Way 2. The flick barely even appeals to followers of the "Redneck Comedy" group, as it is extremely watered down for family entertainment. It's also too painstakingly boring and derivative of better Christmas-themed films, so mom and pop might actually fall asleep if they insert it into their DVD or Blu-Ray player any time soon. Let's just forget that this even exists, alright? If you're thinking about spending any currency on it, give it to the nearest homeless person that you find. Chances are that he'll spend it on something more productive, buy a sandwich, a beer, or may even have bought the movie as a gift, only to be thrown out on the streets as a result of that decision.



On the plus side, it is infinitely better than Delta Farce.

Unseen Terror 2014: Day 24 & 25

Yes, I am doing reviews for both days in one post. Why? Because I was more occupied with assorted things than I expected to be. Actually, I believe that is another way of saying that friends were in town and I was also called in to work when I didn't expect to be. Oh well. I actually think that it's fitting considering that both pictures I'm reviewing today have to deal with the upcoming holidays that we simultaneously gleefully await and dread immensely.

On one Christmas Eve, eager and enthusiastic children Harry and Philip Stadling are awaiting the arrival of Santa Claus. Hearing strange noises, Harry peeks out into the living room, only to see his mother being groped and seduced by a man dressed as jolly old St. Nick. Thirty three years later, the now-older Harry works a rather monotonous job for a toy factory, often finding himself to be easily taken advantage of by coworkers. After an office party, Harry comes to the realization that nobody takes this holiday seriously anymore and there are more bad people out there in the world than there needs to be. With that, he dons a Santa suit, setting out to reward the nice and punish the naughty.


The very small sub-genre in horror that consists of movies based around the holidays of Christmas and/or Christmas Eve is, to put it lightly, incredibly miniscule. There are the ones that most people know about, such as Black Christmas (both the original and the remake), Silent Night, Deadly Night, and Santa's Slay. Okay, maybe I'm the only human being in this town who is an unabashed fan of that last one, but 1980's Christmas Evil, known originally as You Better Watch Out, has quite a following in this odd community that relishes the chance to watch something this absurd. Not quite a slasher film, but often grouped in with them, it makes for one hell of an interesting, if not obviously dumb viewing experience.


Christmas Evil's main protagonist/antagonist is one Brandon Maggart, who is best known for a very early stint on Sesame Street and for helping give birth to Ms. Fiona Apple. Though he certainly isn't delivering an Academy Award-worthy performance with his portrayal of the disgruntled and marginally psychotic Harry, he does manage to make the man into somewhat of a sympathetic, and slightly fun individual. I mean yes, we all know that there are a lot of scumbags and dishonest human beings out there in this occasionally ugly world that we live in, but they highlight it in such a manner than you wonder if this is going to turn into Death Wish or Taxi Driver, albeit with a red and white costume and beard instead of stylish apparel. Unfortunately, I can't recall much of anything about the rest of the cast, including Jeff DeMunn's (The Walking Dead) character of the younger brother who may be catching on to his sibling's recent exploits and actions. Fans of the actor are not likely going to recognize him, and they also may be disappointed that the bloodshed advertised on assorted posters and covers doesn't begin until about the fifty two minute mark. Don't get me wrong, I liked that they were willing to let the audience familiarize themselves with Harry, and not choose to make him just another generic killer, but the first murder does seem to be a tad bit out of place, and somewhat badly thought out.


Director John Waters (Pink Flamingos, Hairspray) has been quoted as saying that Christmas Evil is "the greatest Christmas movie ever made," and has apparently gone so far as to provide a commentary track for the Synapse Films' release of the picture on DVD. While I don't know if I would go that far, especially since I would love to watch more holiday-horror pictures in the future (perhaps that could be a theme for December), it does make for a fairly trashy, hokey, and fun time, with an added bonus of the most film absurd picture ending that I've seen to date on this marathon. You can currently watch this little gem on sites such as Youtube for the low cost of zero dollars and zero cents. Or, if you are a more patient person, you can wait for the upcoming Blu-Ray/DVD combo pack that is set for home video release on November 18, 2014.



Perhaps there is a chance that on the aforementioned release, they can explain as to whether the film was an influence on another certain crazed version of Kris Kringle.

On the roads of Snowmonton, demented serial killer Jack Frost is on his way in a prison transport which will deservedly drive him to his area of execution. Seemingly out of nowhere, and mostly thanks to horrible weather, the truck containing the mad man hits a tanker, and Jack is freed. Before he can act, however, the genetic material contained in the opposing vehicle breaks free, drenching him in the liquid and dissolving him into nothingness. Unfortunately, Frost does not die, but rather merges with the surrounding snow, changing him into something more frightening than anyone could have ever imagined.


If you're a child of the 1980s and 1990s like I am, there was a very strong possibility that you came across many VHS tapes that featured lenticular covers. With only the slightest bit of movement, something rather nice, gentle, and/or unassuming would change into something more menacing or unpleasant, and would usually entice curious folks such as myself into checking them out. 1997's horror-comedy Jack Frost (obviously of no relation to the picture of the same name released a year later) was one of the more notoriously wacky titles equipped with this advertising method, which started with a gentle-looking snowman turning into what you see above. The main problem is that we never see that creature atop this paragraph, but something far, far worse.


Instead, what we get is a reasonably basic low-budget slasher picture with an awful-looking snowman costume that is dumping all of its cheese into one giant pit, and then makes the risky decision to dive in headfirst. But this cheese is more like the brand that you buy because it's been discounted, and said discount was due to bad feedback. But hey, I personally don't really know why I was expecting quality per se. A large majority of the cast, including a pre-American Pie Shannon Elizabeth, are in "eh, fuck it" mode, but you can't say that you blame them when you consider how dreadful of script that this has as its base. Speaking of Elizabeth, she should be thrilled that the role of Nadia came to her two years after this had wrapped and been released on home video, since I'm sure that she didn't want the highlight on her acting reel to read "I have been assaulted and raped in a bathtub by a cigar-smoking snow sculpture." Speaking of the titular killer, Scott MacDonald's enactment of Jack Nicholson having a Ritalin and Tequila-fed child with Brad Dourif did provide for some occasionally funny lines. Sadly, for every joke that is mildly amusing, there are about ten that just make you groan or grimace. It's like following most comedians that were made famous through Twitter.


There are some positives to Jack Frost though. For one, the murder sequences are somewhat creative, including using the flat end of an axe to kill a grown man rather than the sharpened, metal head. Plus the site of a snowman driving a car into someone is worth at least a quick glance. For nostalgic reasons, I also enjoyed the 90s home video look and wash that it was filmed with. Everything has a slight grain, and the lighting looks like something that would have (and very well may have been) aired on cable channels like Cinemax late at night. There is also some decent practical effects work and makeup to be seen, especially when Jack's human form initially melts after the accident mutates him. But damn, that snowman costume looks really, really lackluster. I'm willing to bet that even a company such as Charles Band's Full Moon Features could have done a better job at making this look acceptable. Of course, they would also most likely abused it like their Puppet Master and Gingerdead Man franchises, and I'd prefer to not see a crossover in the future with either of those series.


So, that's about all that I can say about something like Jack Frost. It isn't very good, and I don't think that you could find much to enjoy unless you are severely inebriated and surrounded by cretins, particularly since it starts to run out of gas past the sixty minute mark (which is coincidentally after Elizabeth's final scene comes to a close). But hell, what do you expect from a movie about a killer snowman?



It is an infinitely better movie than its sequel though. After all, they kill him with bananas in that one.



…….Bananas…….



Tomorrow, I travel back to my childhood again with a 1950s Toho Production: Sora No Daikaiju Radon!