Unseen Terror 2019: Days 21-24

1979's Prophecy had been on my radar for longer than I realized, and that was mostly due to a combination of reportedly being one of the better "post-Jaws" animals-run-amuck pictures out there and from containing one hell of a list of performers. I've covered more than my fair share of flicks throughout the years that were obviously inspired by the success of Spielberg's first box office juggernaut, and though most have wielded more misses than hits, I'll never turn the chance to watch mother nature take revenge on the plague known as humanity. The plot to Prophecy can be summarized as follows: Law & Order's Robert Foxworth accepts an offer from the EPA to write about a standoff between a logging company and a Native American tribe near the Androscoggin River in Maine. His wife (played by Godfather & Rocky veteran Talia Shire) tags along and after they arrive, they come to find that both sides blame each other for the mysterious disappearances of workers and members of a rescue team. The natives are convinced that it's the work of an ancient spirit known as "Katahdin," who has returned to take revenge on those who would destroy the land, and judging by the strange discoveries that everyone finds around the area, that explanation doesn't seem so farfetched.

Before you decide to hit Google for any further information about Prophecy, I'll save you the trouble of searching for one particular tidbit: the primary antagonist of this movie is a mutated forest creature that, for all intents and purposes, looks like if the entity from John Carpenter's The Thing decided to assimilate a Grizzly Bear instead of a dog. It is one hell of a strange-looking creation, and the decision to (mostly) keep it out of sight until the final act is a wise choice. The journey to that revelation is a surprisingly compelling and brutally honest reminder that we should take better care of our lands and not be so ignorant when it comes to environmental issues (a message that will probably never be silenced). The list of performers involved in front of and behind the camera seem like they're genuinely interested in this too, and I'm be remiss not to mention the very strange casting of Armand Assante as a Native American (he's of Italian and Irish descent). Director John Frankenheimer (Birdman of Alcatraz, The Manchurian Candidate) and writer David Seltzer (The Omen) work together in an attempt to mold this into not just another Jaws ripoff, and when things hit the fan, you might as well have superglued a Michael Myers mask onto the killer carnivore. As I did briefly mention before though, it does take a bit of time to get there so it might be in your best interest to keep a nice cup of coffee or two nearby. And some of the closeups, though featuring some pretty fair practical effects, can look very dated or downright silly.

It can border on unintentionally goofy at times, but if you're a fan of killer creature features, I'd still give Prophecy a solid recommendation. Such an odd and seemingly undiscovered (at least until recent years) gem has to be seen to be believed, and if you have access to streaming services like Amazon Prime, then you can fire this bad boy up whenever you'd like. There's also a Blu-Ray coming next month from reputable (though expensive) company Shout! Factory, so if physical media is your preferred method, then can throw in your hard-earned cash and wait a bit.

What you SHOULD wait on is finding a physical copy of 1995's Deadly Invasion: The Killer Bee Nightmare. When I was just entering the "double digits" era of my life, I recall seeing several spots for this on television (back when the major networks would advertise many of their exclusive "world premiere" films) and instantly telling myself that I was going to avoid it like the plague. I am not certain if it's ever been mentioned on here before or not, but among the fears that I do have is apiphobia. I can't recall any particular incident or theatrical release which instilled such fear in me, but it's something that has never gone away. Nevertheless, I have to eventually suck it up and unearth something from my past while uttering to myself such classic lines as "It's only a movie." And now that I've finished Deadly Invasion for the very first time, I can safely say that I was a real chickenshit as a kid. I'm glad that I decided not to pair this up with a prior entry (The Bees) because I would have most likely fallen asleep and forgotten everything about that superior product (probably the last time I'll type that).

There isn't much of a story to Deadly Invasion other than "killer bees invade California and decide to terrorize a bunch of respected actors who should know better than to star in this." Much like Prophecy, the most noteworthy aspect of this motion picture is the list of who is involved rather than the quality of the film itself. For starters, we have Robert Hays from Airplane, Nancy Stafford of Matlock fame, Gina Phillips from Jeepers Creepers, and Ryan Phillippe (rocking shitty facial hair that he thankfully got rid of before starring in Cruel Intentions and I Know What You Did Last Summer years later). Dennis Christopher of Stephen King's It (the 90s one) fame also pops in for a criminally short appearance as a bee expert that is so comical you would swear it's a character on Comedy Bang! Bang! The cherry on top was the discovery of Rockne S. O'Bannon as director, and though I know that most filmmakers have the occasional blemish on their resume, the fact that they managed to wrangle the creator of Alien Nation (and later Farscape) into this mess is utterly shocking to me. All of that talent can't save what is ultimately a movie that doesn't seem intent on embracing the camp of mid-90s home video/made for tv schlockiness despite the fact that all of the tools to do so are at their disposal. Hell, the movie opens with the message "The following could be a true story" after what is essentially a rundown on the insects that feels akin to one of those "World's *blankiest* *blanks*" shows. C'mon guys, just go for it.

It's far from one of the worst movies on this year's Unseen Terror, but I found Deadly Invasion to be more unnecessarily boring than entertaining, though it's obviously going to depend on whether or not you watch it with a crowd or by myself. If you aren't shouting "NOT THE BEES!" just yet, then you can easily find this on YouTube. Normally I would advertise and encourage buying a physical copy if you're into this type of thing, but seeing as the price of the DVD averages between $80-150, you're better off saving your money for literally anything else. Heck, I'm sure you can recreate this entire feature with that amount of money.

…….not encouraging that mind you.

I'm a sucker for any newer shark-related flicks to add to my queue, but realized that over the course of nine years, the selection to choose from was dwindling. Luckily Amazon Prime has their fair share of low budget trash on there, so Planet of the Sharks became one of the later additions to this year's marathon. The good news is that with such a blunt, matter of fact title I don't feel like a full plot synopsis is necessary (Waterworld meets Planet of the Apes). The bad news is that almost immediately hitting play, I saw the words "A SyFy Original Picture" and "The Asylum" appear within the span of five seconds.

As I've explained before in the past, I've never been a fan of the Asylum and I doubt that will be changing anytime soon. Planet of the Sharks takes a ludicrously stupid concept and instead of going full cheese with it, they attempt to tell this story with a lot of sincerity. Couple that with CGI that is atrocious (even by Asylum's standards themselves) and long stretches where nothing interesting happens and you've a shockingly dull picture that was honestly starting to put me to sleep when I had it on. The only positive comes in the form of one woman who takes part in an awkwardly-performed tribal dance being used to intimidate the sharks, but she's gone before the first act comes to a close. I'm honestly embarrassed and ashamed that this took up one spot in my marathon when there are so many other pictures that deserve to be recognized for at least giving a shit. Don't seek this out. Let it sink to the bottom of the ocean.




Well, seeing as we're still on a nature-run-amuck kick (which is likely to end after day 24's review is posted below), let's see if I can find something that will get the taste of Deadly Invasion and Planet of the Sharks out of my mouth, shall we?

God bless Australia. They have a knack for producing absolute insane bursts of cinematic violence while also ensuring that tourism will never be a problem so long as these flicks find distribution around the world. Released to theaters in its native country back in 2016, it took a few years for Boar to make its way over here, and thankfully it's landed firmly in the hands of streaming service Shudder, who as I'm slowly discovering this year, is just the absolute best. The story for Boar is fairly basic, with a family traversing Australia before running into trouble in the form of a massive pig from the outback. Plot-wise, this isn't breaking any new ground, but unlike a lot of its other companions in the genre, you do get a chance to genuinely care for some of this cast. It certainly helps that one of our early protagonists is portrayed by Australian cult favorite John Jarratt (Wolf Creek) who is 100% invested in what is ostensibly a thriller about humankind fighting against a massive, wild boar. Concept-wise, a lot of the savvier horror fans will notice the similarities to a similar flick titled Razorback. The cinematography is fairly decent, and every performer brings enough spunk to their roles (some shorter than others). It does lack the psychedelic flair of the aforementioned movie, but does make up for any atmosphere by throwing a plate full of gore and dismemberment your way. There is a good abundance of practical effects being used in Boar, though there are the occasional moments where it slips into CGI that looks noticeably unfinished. There's also a big "fake out" that occurs once you hit the halfway point and I was getting a little flustered by that.


I wish I could write a longer description of why you should check out Boar, but I'm very tired. If you're searching for something shockingly bloody and gory or searching for a great "midnight movie," then you may be luck here. Personally I hope we get a physical copy available to watch sooner than later, but in the mean time, you can check that area to see if it might be hiding in there.



Tomorrow, I'm doing double duty, but that doesn't mean you want someone to harass him. So I'll leave it at that and promise that I'll come back with a vengeance!

Unseen Terror 2019: Day 20

It's hard to believe that it's been twenty-six years since we last saw one of the kookiest and spookiest families in pop culture make their appearance on the big screen (1998's Addams Family Reunion went straight-to-video). Given the renaissance that all things macabre seems to be having right now, bringing them back from the dead seemed like an easy and sensible task. Directed by the duo behind 2016's notorious Sausage Party, this new story about the peculiar, morbid, but undeniably charming family facing off with new, uptight neighbors does pack some style, but it lacks any real substance. However I'll save my "dumping" for later, because I did smile a lot more than I frowned during this flick's short running time.


Prior to its theatrical release, you may recall hearing that many older fans were up in arms about the "interesting" redesigns of the titular family members themselves. Some of them appear to be unusually pointy-looking, and to say that they sport comically strange body proportions would be a friggin' understatement. Honestly, I never really understood the complaints about the new look of the characters. It's far more faithful to their original designs from the golden age, and you'll get over it fairly quickly. Even if you don't, there's no denying just how well they're portrayed by this rather stellar voice cast. It would not shock me if most of this picture's budget went towards snagging as many noteworthy performers for this as they could. There's Oscar Isaac as Gomez, Charlize Theron as Morticia, Chloe Grace Moretz as Wednesday, Finn Wolfhard as Pugsley, and Nick Kroll as Uncle Fester just to name a few. They're all bringing their 'A' game (pun possibly intended) and there's a good chance that they could also help you forget about any weaknesses found in the script. Moretz and Theron are the movie's highlights, and they seem to be relishing the chance to play characters that they likely grew up watching. Allison Janney also delivers an entertaining, if not familiar performance as the flick's antagonist. They all seem to have great chemistry with one another, but again, you grabbed a chunk of the top dogs in the industry for this story so that's to be expected.


Unfortunately what hurts this new version of The Addams Family is that when you remove the occasional darkly comedic joke and stellar voice acting, it's painfully cliched and predictable. If you are put off by tropes that plague nearly any and every film catered towards children these days (even Pixar is occasionally guilty of this), then there's a very good chance that you'll be rolling your eyes on more than a few occasions. There are numerous story arcs in here (primarily based around the kids) that unfold exactly how you expect them to, and while I do understand that this is catered to a much younger audience than prior on-screen adaptations were, this is still very disappointing. It all comes to a head with one of the laziest third acts that I've seen in an animated flick in the past few years. It's kind of a shame because I still maintain my opinion that both of the movies directed by Barry Sonennfeld in the 1990s are perfectly fine for all ages (though some supervision may be required), and even if some of the jokes will fly over the heads of very young viewers, there's a good chance that they'll still enjoy the hell out of them.


Ultimately, this new iteration of The Addams Family is a real tossup. Weaknesses aside, I did laugh on more than a few occasions and do respect its unique animation style. I can't in good conscious recommend it to anyone except for parents with younger kids or people who refuse to buy physical media (I don't want to know those people). There's no reason that this couldn't have been cut and re-edited into the basis for a television series on a network like Nickelodeon or a service like Netflix.



Come to think of it, I'll check back in about a year to see if that becomes a reality. Hell, they did it with Kung Fu Panda and How to Train Your Dragon. And fucking Barnyard.



Tomorrow, it's time to put the kids to bed because the director of The Manchurian Candidate and Ronin is gonna unleash a killer creature on us poor fools!

Unseen Terror 2019: Days 16-19

Well, that was certainly a busy week. I don't think I've ever fallen this far behind before, but it won't stop me from completing this bad boy. Over the course of these past four days, I've knocked off several works based on or at least connected to celebrated horror legend Stephen King (a common occurrence during any Unseen Terror marathon). But unlike most of the author's own works, this collection of reviews won't be stretched out to an uncomfortable length.

Considering that I lived in Wilmington, North Carolina (where most of this was shot) for close to eleven years, I'm as shocked as you are that I never watched 1984's Firestarter until now. Based on King's sixth novel of the same name, it tells the story of a young girl named Charlie (Drew Barrymore) and her father Andy (David Keith of An Officer and a Gentleman fame) on the run from a shady agency that through secret experiments, has managed to manifest powers in the both of them. He has developed the ability to manipulate the minds of others, which is certainly beneficial when you are trying to avoid contact with anyone who might harm you or your family. Charlie has been granted a far more dangerous power though: pyrokinesis. The aforementioned group discovers the latter's new ability, and hopes that if they can capture the child, her skills can be harnessed as a weapon for the government.


Firestarter feels more akin to a mixture of dark science fiction and thriller than it does a "scary" movie, but when you consider the subject matter, arguing about it being horror-adjacent wouldn't be hard to do. Regardless of how you would choose to categorize this flick, it has one fundamental flaw: throughout most of its running time, it is shockingly dull. Barrymore is doing a commendable job in her role, but there's little reason to care about Charlie other than the fact that she's a kid. It doesn't help that most of the supporting cast, which includes usually-great heavyweights like Martin Sheen, George C. Scott, and Louise Fletcher among others, is also wasted playing eerily similar versions of characters that we've seen countless amounts of times over the course of several decades. Even if you're unfamiliar with the novel it's based on, most of the plot unfolds exactly the way that you would expect it to, giving you a feeling that it could pass for a pilot to a television series (ironically enough, this became a reality eighteen years later in the form of Firestarter: Rekindled). Still, it does boast one hell of a cool finale that I'm certain you couldn't just throw out in the beginning on a series. That final act is quite the spectacle to behold as it finally gives us what we want to see with Barrymore going full-on "X-Men" and letting her emotions get the best of her. I'm not sure if this helped director Mark Lester land his next feature (the Arnold Schwarzenegger vehicle Commando), but it wouldn't surprise me.


That cool moment aside, I found Firestarter to be just a bit too boring to recommend. I'm more interested to see what would have come about with John Carpenter and Bill Lancaster's version of the film, as they were initially approached to direct and write this adaptation. Unfortunately, after The Thing bombed at the box office, the two of them were taken off of the project. Crap. I suspect that if I had seen this when I was younger, my opinion would be different (outside of people being set ablaze, it isn't terribly violent), but if you're a Stephen King completist, you can snag a copy of it on DVD and Blu-Ray for next-to-nothing. At the very least, try to find a physical copy of the very good score by Tangerine Dream.



Alrighty, time for Day 17.

Funnily enough, Unearthed & Untold: The Path to Pet Sematary is the first documentary that I've covered since I began this "Unseen Terror" idea back in 2011. I considered going back to revisit Never Sleep Again, which is an excellent (though quite lengthy) retrospective look at the A Nightmare on Elm Street franchise, but there's not a lot of fun discussing something that I've watched a number of times already. Plus I have some positive memories attached to Stephen King's novel Pet Sematary and its enjoyable (though flawed) adaptation from 1989, so when I stumbled upon this ditty, I figured this could make for an interesting experience.


The first thing you'll notice about Unearthed & Untold is that they have set out to make as thorough of a documentary as they can. Calling this a love letter for fanatics only is the easiest way to describe it to anyone who is slightly intrigued. This serves as both its greatest strength and weakness, because unless you REALLY care about Pet Sematary, there's a very good chance you'll start to zone out or feel tempted to fast forward. There's a lot of technical talk and specifics about the tiniest of things, which while appreciated, starts to feel like the directors are doing their damnedest to stretch it out to an unnecessarily long running time. They seemingly also forget about Pet Sematary Two's existence, but in retrospect that might not be as bad of a decision as I initially thought it was. On the plus side, getting the chance to snag every living actor or crew member involved for discussions is very impressive for what is essentially a documentary made by diehard fans. I'm very sad that they were unable to include more archival footage or interviews with the late Fred Gwynne, but I am very happy that Mary Lambert gets more than a few minutes to talk. I've always had an immense amount of respect for Lambert considering that she was one of the first female directors in the horror genre to make an impact (and judging by her appearance here, she also has impeccable fashion taste these days). I wish she had had given the filmmakers some tips of how to properly edit a documentary though (her final interview has her being drowned out by music that slowly creeps in).


It bears repeating, but even if it does feel a bit amateurish, Unearthed & Untold is a perfectly fine documentary, though solely for fans with a lot of time on their hands. I feel like it could have been featured as an extra on a Blu-Ray rather than as a standalone release, but I'm just some schmuck talking about movies on a blog that most people don't read. If you want to check it out, it is currently streaming on both Shudder and Amazon Prime, and the Blu-Ray from Synapse isn't too pricey either.



*whew* Time for Day 18.

So this isn't the first time during this year's Unseen Terror marathon that I'm tackling a television series for an entry (go back about a week or so for my usual foray into the Goosebumps show from the 1990s). The difference between that bit of corny nostalgia and the following choice is primarily due to anticipation and genuine excitement.


As a teenager, I never imagined that we would live in a time where horror seeped its way into the world of television this frequently, and that most of these programs would be lovingly embraced. Some of the most noteworthy shows, be they on cable or exclusively available through streaming services include American Horror Story, The Walking Dead, Stranger Things, The Haunting of Hill House, Hemlock Grove, and more that I have yet to sit down and watch myself. Perhaps the success of those spearheaded the opportunity for Creepshow: The Series to become a reality. Announced back in July of 2018, this anthology series is the first in a number of years to feature the name shared with the 1982 and 1987 films that are beloved by so many horror fans. Though o.g. creators George Romero and Stephen King are sadly absent this time around (Romero passed away two years ago), series veterans Greg Nicotero and Tom Savini, who both previously worked in the effects department for the original two features, have returned to help out (with Nicotero serving as producer). As of the time of this writing, I discovered that Savini himself also directs a segment in one of the episodes, but it has yet to air. No, you didn't read that wrong. Creepshow is a weekly episodic show, meaning that you can't just immediately marathon the entire shebang during one pizza-filled afternoon. Deal with it.


Anyway, as for the quality of the content found within, Creepshow is off to a fairly good start. The first episode features an adaptation of the Stephen King story "Gray Matter" from his collection "Night Shift." Directed by Greg Nicotero himself, the story of a boy whose father develops a "drinking problem" features performers such as Tobin Bell (Saw) and Adrienne Barbeau (also of original Creepshow fame) and a slew of in-jokes and nods to other King works. I always thought that the original story was fairly creepy, and they managed to do a faithful job with this one. The second story of the first episode is "House of the Head," which could prove to very divisive with some fans solely due to how incredibly odd it is. Written by Josh Malerman (whose printed works include Bird Box and Unbury Carol) and directed by John Harrison (known for composing the scores to Day of the Dead and the original Creepshow, along with directing Tales from the Darkside: The Movie), it's a peculiar tale of a little girl's dollhouse being visited by a severed head that I'm still not quite sure how to rate. I give it points for originality, but feel like it drags in parts. There is a very good chance that I'll be re-watching this one sooner than I expected to, just so I can finally have a real opinion on it.


From beginning to end, episode two has been my favorite of this series so far. "Bad Wolf Down" feels the most like an original Creepshow idea (it even has some of the same lighting effects from the o.g. flick) and sports a wonderfully silly performance from Jeffrey Combs as a Nazi colonel seeking revenge against some American soldiers, who themselves receive some unusual assistance in dealing with these racist shitbags. It's also one of the few stories featured in this anthology not to be based on previously existing material. But it pales in comparison to what is likely to be the standout of this entire month-long run: "The Finger." Written by David J. Schow of The Crow fame and directed by Nicotero yet again, it is a darkly comedic story about a lonely loser (DJ Qualls of Road Trip and The Man in the High Castle fame) who acquires a gangly-looking finger that begins to slowly grow over time. It is strange, charming, funny, and kind of adorable. There's also some pleasant practical effects work which us older horror fans don't see nearly enough of these days. I don't want to give too much away, but I think I smell the money of merchandising.


Unfortunately, episode 3 delivers the first real stinker of the series with "All Hallows Eve," which is also directed by John Harrison. It's an annoying story about kids terrorizing a neighborhood on Halloween and it honestly isn't very exciting to watch, even if it does try to pay homage to some of the old EC Comics twists with its own. Thankfully, the second story (the oddly-named and very blunt "The Man in the Suitcase") is a real home run with how sinister and amusing it can be. It has enough of a good mixture of old and new horror elements to keep your interest throughout its short running time. Good stuff.


I'll likely finish the rest of Creepshow: The Series by the time that this year's marathon wraps up. So far, I'm enjoying it for the most part and would suggest getting Shudder (even if its only for a month) to check this bad boy out.



And despite some of the problems found in this series, it's still better than Creepshow 3.



Wait, I've never watched Creepshow 3.



Let's change that for the 19th day, shall we?

…………..I......just......man. Everyone warned me about Creepshow 3 and its lack of quality in every department, but I never listened. Overexaggerating tends to be a problem in the horror community, but this amount of negativity was warranted. By the time of this film's production, the rights to Creepshow belonged to Taurus Entertainment rather than Warner Bros, and they decided after staying silent for twenty years, the time was right to resurrect the Creeper and make a new horror anthology that could please old and new fans alike. They did not succeed. Perhaps the lack of involvement from anyone noteworthy from the previous flicks is to blame.


Lead story "Alice" is based around a bratty teenager whose entire life gets twisted around when her father comes into possession of a universal remote that does things like turn her family into a different race every time he tries to adjust the color setting on their television. She also begins melting every time something freaky happens (because of course she does). What could end up as a clever discussion on race relationships and how to treat one another ends up lacking anything interesting and just feels like a waste of time. It also has one of the most befuddling and nonsensical endings that I've seen in a number of years. "The Radio" stars A.J. Bowen of You're Next and The House of the Devil fame. He deserves far better than this tale of a guy who buys a new radio off of a street vendor that begins to have conversations with him and drives him to madness and murder. This had potential, but it just never quite hits the mark and feels like cinematic Nyquil at times. In the hands of better writers and directors, I feel like it could have worked as a segment in another horror anthology, but it doesn't feel like a Creepshow segment. "Call Girl" has Eileen Dietz of The Exorcist fame (she was the face of Pazuzu) in a brief cameo as a homeless woman. It certainly is nice to see her, but this story of a killer prostitute who has a bit of a problem with one of her clients is predictable, features effects that even the Asylum would shake their heads at (this is Spirit of Halloween-levels of cheapness), and again, feels like it doesn't belong in an anthology that bears the infamous name of Creepshow. Lame. The fourth segment, a.k.a. "The Professor's Wife," takes some influence from The Stepford Wives but tonally is an absolute mess and features some truly awful writing. Lousy. "Haunted Dog" is if you took "The Hitch-Hiker" from Creepshow 2 and removed anything memorable. It also goes on for what feels like a lifetime and by the time it's over, you may want to question your movie-watching choices like I did. Whack as fuck. I should mention that there's also a wraparound story (of sorts) with characters from each individual segment popping up in other people's own segments (ala Pulp Fiction or Sin City), but given how boring all of them are, you won't be able to muster anything other than deep, pained sighs.


On review aggregator Rottentomatoes.com, this film is sitting at a whopping ZERO PERCENT. Even by bad horror movie standards, that is extremely rare. And you know what? It absolutely deserves it. This was the first movie on this year's marathon to legitimately make me angry, and I'll be as nice as I can be here by saying that is will likely end up in the bottom ten of worst movies I've watched since beginning this journey back in 2011. It isn't enjoyable in any sense of the word, it's an insult to the two previous Creepshow movies, and lacks anything remotely charming, meaningful, or even fun. Even without the moniker, this would still stink. Don't waste your time on this one. Instead, seek out Tales from the Darkside: The Movie. Tom Savini has reportedly gone on record stating that the latter is the "real" Creepshow 3, and based on the quality of stories in the two pictures, I'm inclined to agree. Or better yet, go watch Mike Dougherty's awesome Trick 'r Treat for the first or tenth time.




Tomorrow, I need a cleanser. ANYTHING has to be an improvement over that last film.

Unseen Terror 2019: Day 15

This wasn't supposed to happen god damn it.

Peaking this early is usually unheard of whenever I do this silly marathon.

I suppose that expecting quality from one of horror's most underappreciated artists was a given, but I still don't think that I was ready for Lucio Fulci's The Beyond. Being more than familiar with the man's body of work, this has somehow slipped though my fingers every time that I tried to watch it. Whether it was due to bad timing, the physical copy of the Blu-Ray being stolen from my job, or just laziness, the full-length feature that is widely considered by historians to be the best picture from the late Italian director just never quite made it onto the countdown. Seeing as how I'm now thirty-four, there were no more excuses left and I finally sat down, pressed play, and prepared for whatever would come about.

The plot to The Beyond is a fairly simple one, though it certainly doesn't unfold the way that you expect it to. A young woman named Liza inherits a hotel in Louisiana, and plans to re-open the establishment once renovations have been completed. Unbeknownst to her, the property has a sinister history to it: fifty-four years prior, a painter was brutally murdered by a suspicious band of townsfolk, who suspected the man of practicing black magic in an attempt to bring about hell on earth. Following a serious of bizarre (and occasionally fatal) accidents and an encounter with a blind girl named Emily who warns the new caretaker to leave the premises that she seems so intent on reopening, Liza begins to feel like something is very, very wrong with the inn. That is the best that I can do for The Beyond's plot, because what follows is a series of very odd, violent, and nightmarish sequences that make you wonder what is real and what isn't. This story is about confusing the audience, but not actually leaving them "confused." Look, I know that may sound very pretentious, but trust me on this one.

Cast-wise, the most memorable of this crew is easily actress Cinzia Monreale. Sporting white contact lenses and body language that gives the viewers an idea that there's more to her than meets the eye (I'll see myself out) to this mysterious stranger. The technical aspects of The Beyond are also impressive, and extra credit has to be given to cinematographer Sergio Salvati as well, whose previous work with Fulci on Zombie (aka Zombi 2) was equally impressive, and the two have been able to craft an otherworldly feel that permeates throughout a number of pictures. Then there's composer Fabio Frizzi, who in this humble geek's opinion, should be celebrated just as much as his fellow countrymen in Goblin. The score to The Beyond is equal parts grandiose and threatening, and the main theme in particular sounds as close to watching our world come to an end as I've heard in quite a while. But you don't want me to talk about how great the music or camera work is, do you? Nooooo, you want me to talk about the nasty material, a.k.a. what attracts a majority of newcomers to the world of Italian horror classics: the over-the-top gore. Well, I'm sorry to say, but The Beyond doesn't sport a single drop of blood. None. Nothing is spilled in the moments where a woman has sulfuric acid poured onto her face, or when a dog violently tears open someone's throat, or when someone is shot in the face which results in their head bursting like an egg that is thrown off the top of a building.

The bloodshed in The Beyond is some of the most ghastly that I've seen to date in any Unseen Terror entry, and it is so masterfully done that you'll be smiling like a madman right after squirming like a child at the doctor's office. To use music analogies: if the violence in Dario Argento's films were Neurosis, then this is Carcass. This means that if you're squeamish (one particular scene gave me uneasy flashbacks to when I was a child and freaked out over the film Arachnophobia), be very careful. So, now that the ass kissing is out of the way, I have to talk about some of the problems with this gem. As stated above, sometimes the movie starts to fall apart by filling in the time to do things because it's likely that Fulci and his crew think said moments are cool enough to make you realize that they're kind of irrelevant to the plot or make zero sense in the context of everything. The ending is also a bit of a head scratcher (and seems rather abrupt), but if you piece portions of the script together, it makes more sense.

I have at least sixteen other flicks to watch before October ends, but Lucio Fulci's The Beyond has set the bar pretty high for those to come. It's a dark, shocking, strange, bloody, and ultimately mesmerizing piece of Italian horror that is essential for anyone looking to venture out beyond the realm of "traditional" cinema, especially of the more grim variety. Unfortunately, it appears as those the exquisite Blu-Ray from Grindhouse Releasing is close to (if not already) going out of print, so acquiring a copy should be done as soon as possible. If you prefer your films streamed however, then you are in luck as Shudder has the film (along with many of Fulci's other works) available to watch whenever you have the free time, while Amazon Prime has it under the title when it was cut up and released in the U.S: 7 Doors of Death.

Heck while you're at it, go watch City of the Living Dead or Zombie too and we can argue about which of the three has the most repulsive sequences involving facial harm. We'll totally look like normal when doing so.

Tomorrow, I'm taking another quick break from full-length features in search of some...."creepy" television.

Unseen Terror 2019: Day 14

"You're doing what? Are you mad? You mean you want us to conduct peace negotiations with bugs?!"



The Bees, a 1978 flick about (what else?) killer Africanized honey bees wreaking havoc, checks several boxes for this year's Unseen Terror marathon: it's a "natural" horror movie, it's a blind buy from Monster Mania Con, and it's a Vinegar Syndrome release. The latter is perhaps the most noteworthy thing about the flick, because I'm starting to realize just how good their marketing department is. They have an astonishing catalog full of feature-length films that run the gamut from horror to vintage erotica. They also do a great job with restoring a lot of these rather obscure releases to make them look better than even the filmmakers behind said movies ever thought they could. They also have a tendency to pick up a LOT of rubbish, and while they can strike gold once in a while by nabbing stuff like Christmas Evil, Lust in the Dust (both acquired at different Monster Manias), and Hell Comes to Frogtown, but if you peruse their list of titles on their website.....well, as they say, different strokes for different folks.

The most interesting aspects to The Bees are firstly the cast, with acting greats John Saxon (A Nightmare on Elm Street, Enter the Dragon) and the late, great John Carradine being instantly recognizable. The latter in particular is sporting a rather goofy German(?) accent which makes him sound like the long lost brother of the fella who used to do the narrations for Disney's nature documentaries of the 1950s. Saxon makes for a reasonably decent hero, but man does his romance with costar Angel Tompkins feel so unbelievably awkward. I've never felt so weirded out watching a straight couple make out. The other interesting tidbit about The Bees is the fact that it was released during the same year as the next big Irwin Allen (of The Towering Inferno and The Poseidon Adventure fame) picture: the often-maligned The Swarm. That particular movie also deals with people being terrorized by killer bees, but it ended up beating The Bees to the box office after Warner Bros. paid distributor New World Pictures to push back the release date. Kind of a crappy move, but I'm not terribly surprised that New World mastermind Roger Corman let that happen.


I have yet to sit down and watch The Swarm though, so I won't have much of a chance to make many comparisons between these two pictures. What struck me the most after The Bees had ended was how it's on the verge of being a "so bad it's good" flick, but it never quite reaches that status. For every unintentional laugh that it delivers, it also ends up being far more boring than ANY feature with murderous insects in it should be. It starts off as a hilariously terrible, campy mess, with wacky jazz and disco beats that pop in and out of the soundtrack while people run around freaking out like Kermit the Frog if he was stuck in the "beehive tetherball" scene from Jackass 3. But that's about the gist of every sequence involving the bee attacks, and save for some ludicrous "kitchen sink" moments during the final twenty-or-so minutes, nothing really changes or shocks. If you're searching for violent deaths, you might be disappointed. Director Alfredo Zacarias, who was brought on to replace original writer/director Jack Hill (Coffy, Spider Baby), was reportedly not a big fan of gory cinema, and felt like the idea of them crawling into every hole and orifice or dying from asphyxiation was scarier than just seeing a gratuitous bloodbath. While I can see where he's coming from, it does make a large chunk of The Bees feel like it's just dragging on with nothing overtly memorable occurring until the aforementioned final act. Your sanity starts to slip when nothing interesting is happening on screen, especially when you hear a constant buzzing noise that leads to zilch.

Speaking of sanity, I guess I'll get to my final thoughts: if you gather enough friends who can provide liquid courage or at least help fill the room with uproarious laughter, then you could have a very fun time with The Bees (watching it alone and being stone cold sober can be a chore). It's a decent accompanying piece to last year's entry The Corpse Grinders (also released by Vinegar Syndrome), and full of just the right amount of stupid schlock to keep you from (mostly) falling asleep. And despite some of the complaints that I had in the first paragraph, the Blu-Ray from Vinegar Syndrome sure looks nice, even if it's a relatively bare bones release. In fact, the only extras consist of the trailer and a video interview with director Alfredo Zacarias, who despite not having a particularly memorable career, comes across as a genuinely good guy who has nothing but nice things to say about his cast and crew, while also going out of his way to mention things such as swearing that he would be responsible for a very sick John Carradine (who was finding it hard to get work around this time) should anything happen during production, and that John Saxon was a consummate professional who helped him get through any mental obstacles that were dragging him down. Sweet.

Tomorrow, we're stepping away from this possible prequel to My Girl and going back to the home of good old-fashioned blood and guts: Italy!

Unseen Terror 2019: Days 11-13

Hey, it was my birthday weekend. I'm not slacking off...yet.

Anyway, let's dive right in. You may notice a trend with the past three days' worth of flicks.

For the day of my actual birth, I made the lazy decision to cheat. That, and I realized several things when deciding on what to include for this year. The first was that every time I've tried to include something from the year 1985 for the eleventh entry of this yearly marathon, my options were becoming a lot more limited. That might have been a glorious year for cinema, but in the realm of horror, I had seen damn near everything of importance. The second thing I noticed was that I had not sat down to watch Lamberto Bava's splatter classic Demons in nearly ten years. Hell, the receipt from when I purchased it was still inside of the case (side note: I apparently purchased Phantasm, Godzilla: Final Wars, and C.H.U.D. during the same transaction). Seeing as how I expected that most of the time during my birthday would either be spent working, having an expensive dinner, or drinking enough to kill an elephant, I felt like a cheat day was earned. It also means that I won't be fully required to write a lengthy explanation as to why you should not only watch Demons, but own it too.


As expected from most Italian horror cinema from yesteryear, Demons' plot is completely bizarre. A number of people receive mysterious invitations to attend an early screening for an unnamed movie. Without giving away too much, the actions of one of the patrons (Geretta Geretta of Shocking Dark fame) and some eerie, surrealistic moments in the feature itself leads to the crowd slowly, but violently turning into psychotic creatures hellbent on nothing but killing and "converting" anyone in their path. That strange premise carries over into the absolute madness that follows, and Lamberto Bava (son of famous Italian filmmaker Mario Bava) directs this wonderfully wacky bloodbath with a very "rock and roll" attitude by adding in as many shocking moments as he can while giving you a feeling that nothing is off limits. If you're a fan of practical effects and gore, especially of the absurd variety, I think it'd be very difficult to hate Demons. The sequences in which one theatergoer's teeth and nails begin to fall out or warp are pretty revolting in the best way possible. These absolutely horrendous moments are usually accompanied or preceded by a rollicking heavy metal-led soundtrack, which features cuts from acts like Saxon, Accept, Motley Crue, and some original compositions by Goblin's Claudio Simonetti. The inclusion of the latter is most likely due to his relationship with producer and coworker Dario Argento, who while primarily known for his giallo works, does seem to lend a hand in helping Demons feel like an otherworldly fever dream at times.


I've always found it difficult to nitpick pictures that I truly love, but I suppose that I should bring up something before I move on: Demons, despite its twisted, fun nature, does have a tendency to not make much sense at times or throw in some stuff that ultimately amounts to nothing. There's a very striking character who gives the audience a vibe that indicates there may be something sinister behind those eyes, but it turns out to be a red herring with no real answer given in the end. I'll also add that the very end of the flick is kind of a middle finger to the audience, but it doesn't detract from the overall experience.


Not sure what else I can add here (plus I do have two more films to cover below). Go watch Demons if you have a strong stomach and/or are in the mood for something fabulously zany. Grabbing a physical copy of this can be a bit of a pain (my DVD from Anchor Bay isn't too expensive though), as the Blu-Ray from Synapse Films is now out of print, and the Blu-Ray from Arrow Video won't work on most players available in the U.S. As luck would have it, streaming service Shudder has both Demons AND Demons 2 available to watch whenever you'd like, so hop on that if you don't feel like spending in the double digits.



Speaking of Demons 2, let's dive right into that one. And much like my review for Halloween 5, there may be a small amount of spoilers here if you haven't seen the prior picture.

Following the surprising success at the Italian box office (fun fact: Demons outgrossed A Nightmare on Elm Street that year in Italy), filming began on Demons 2 only seven months after the first flick's theatrical release. Striking while the iron is hot wasn't entirely surprising, but this is both the sequel's strength and weakness, because while not lacking in the areas which made the first picture so beloved, its flaws are a bit more glaring by the time the film is coming to a close. This time around, the story seems to indicate that the events of the first Demons were possibly fictionalized, as there are several occasions where characters are watching portions of it on television. During a party in an apartment building, a young woman named Sally is transfixed by footage of the movie, and it leads to a demon emerging from a television set to attack and transform her into one of them. Afterwards, she proceeds to slaughter and infect partygoers and we ostensibly get most of what we saw in the first Demons: people getting torn apart, weird shenanigans, gruesome transformation sequences, a rock-inspired soundtrack (this time primarily comprised of post-punk and gothic rock bands like The Cult, Fields of the Nephilim, Gene Loves Jezebel, and the Smiths), and a LOT of gore.


Watching Demons 2 made me realize something that perhaps I pushed aside too often in regards to the first film: the characters are, for the most part, pretty vanilla in both of these pictures. Actor Bobby Rhodes is arguably the best performer in both pieces (playing a different character in each movie), and he is such a glorified scene stealer that you can't help but smile every time he pops up on screen. I'm sure that transitioning from a smooth pimp to a gym instructor certainly takes some talent, and even if he's dubbed over, he's so naturally charismatic that it makes you sad he never became a bigger star outside of his native country. As for the rest of the cast though, they're a real mixed bag. A very young Asia Argento makes her acting debut here, but she serves no purpose and her inclusion feels more like nepotism on the part of her father serving yet again as producer and cowriter. Coralina Cataldi-Tassoni on the other hand is pretty dang great as unofficial demon leader Sally, and I look forward to seeing her pop up on here again should I ever get around to watching Dario Argento's Opera. Those three performers are about the only ones worth mentioning for this sequel, because the rest feel just like corpses with an expiration date that's coming sooner than later or underdeveloped protagonists.


Though it does feel like a cash grab and makes even less sense than the first film, Demons 2 is also fairly entertaining and watchable, if only for the gore alone. These two Lamberto Bava films could make for an ideal combination to put on in the background at a party (depending on how long you want it to last). As I stated above, this is also available for streaming on Shudder, though unlike its predecessor, a Blu-Ray seems to be easier to obtain this time around. I've heard very good things about Synapse's release of this piece, but I'm not willing to spend much on this one....for now.




Now, I'm well aware that Demons and Demons 2 were originally conceived to be part of a trilogy by producer Dario Argento, but the writer/director for the third entry felt that such a film should be treated with more respect and of higher quality. Ultimately, a trilogy never came about, and we ended up with 1989's cult favorite The Church.



I am not going to be reviewing The Church. That film will make its way onto the marathon some other time.



Instead, I had to stick with the word of the day and ventured into the realm of horror remakes that you and I most likely forgot existed.

I've reviewed all three of the Night of the Demons films over the course of several Unseen Terror marathons (links here, here, and here), and though I do share an affinity for all of them in some sort of capacity, I would never exactly call the franchise sacred or untouchable. Angela might be a very underrated horror villain, but she isn't Freddy Krueger or even Pamela Voorhees. So when I was reminded of this film's existence, I felt like there was some sort of moral obligation to add it to my queue. And as it turns out, the 2009 remake of Night of the Demons is.....serviceable?


Plot-wise most of this remake stays faithful to the original. A bunch of youngsters.....erm, youngish people.....alright fuck it, human beings decide to attend a Halloween party thrown by the boisterous and strange Angela Feld, who has rented out a seemingly haunted house with a dark history behind it. Police eventually arrive and break up the rather loud gathering, but after everyone disperses, a small group reenter the house to find one friend who has passed out. One of the guests, a drug dealer named Colin, needs help finding something that he left behind, so he and Angela make their way into the basement. While perusing, they stumble across a group of skeletons, with one seemingly biting Angela when she attempts to remove a gold tooth from its mouth. Thinking nothing of it, they head back upstairs, but Angela begins to feel rather groggy, and things eventually take a turn for the worse.


One thing the remake of Night of the Demons does surprisingly well is satisfying your taste for blood. Though some of the kills are littered with lackluster CGI and peppered with stock "demon" sound effects, they are undeniably creative. There's a glorious face-ripping sequence which follows a seductive dance set to Type O Negative (this film's version of the Bauhaus scene from the 1988 picture), and they somehow manage to outdo the original's infamous "lipstick" scene by adding in a truly bizarre twist. The designs of the monsters themselves are also fairly well crafted with every single one of them having a different look. They also had the common sense to cast Linnea Quigley for a small cameo, and even give her the dress that she wore back in 1988. Kudos guys.


The negatives can't be ignored however, and they unfortunately bring down the overall fun factor. Considering all of the adoration I have for the 1988 original, this also suffers from the same problem of becoming quite stagnant after things die down for a minute or two. The third act of original series director Kevin Tenney's movie felt stretched out and there were periods where seemingly nothing happened other than people running around and freaking out while demons threatened them from hundreds of feet away. They try to sprinkle in some backstory of why these demons are doing what they do to keep things interesting this around, but it just leaves you kind of bored and waiting for things to get exciting again. It's also kind of a shame that some of this cast just isn't powerful enough to carry weak material or liven things up when it's sorely needed. Edward Furlong of Terminator 2 fame (who, and I'm gonna be eloquent, looks like total garbage here) seems to be barely awake throughout the film's running time and American Pie's Shannon Elizabeth is criminally underutilized considering that she seems to be relishing playing a villain for once. Major props have to be given to the casting director on nabbing Monica Keena for the lead role though. I've always felt like she was a very underrated final girl. Hell, she's survived both Jason Voorhees AND Freddy Krueger for crying out loud! Still, as solid as she is, she never gets a chance to shine or do anything of note until the final ten minutes of the movie. Boo. This version of Night also sports a very cheap "Redbox" look to it, with some of the accompanying audio effects and poor editing not exactly helping to dispel that argument.


Though nowhere nearly as terrible as its reputation may be (and that 4.7 rating on imdb is unnecessarily brutal), I don't expect to be revisiting the Night of the Demons remake within the near future unless someone asks me to. I do feel rather bad knowing that it bombed TERRIBLY (failing to make even a tenth of its budget back), so if you're still curious or just want to see some blood and boobs like the average horny horror fan, you can snag a copy on Blu-Ray or rent it through Amazon Prime for a few bucks.



Tomorrow, I'm taking a break from my demons (hyuk hyuk) and diving into some Blu-Ray action from back in the day!

Unseen Terror 2019: Day 10

If you know me, you're well aware of my adoration for hilariously terrible films. If I'm being brutally honest though, sometimes the recommendations from random strangers about what to add to my queue just tend to bore rather than amuse me. Mind you, I'm not trying to sound like an asshole or am so confident in my ability to choose shitty cinema (not sure that anyone should flaunt that), but I'm getting a tiny bit tired of it. Why bring this up you may ask? Because while perusing my boxes full of random DVDs, I stumbled upon a disc that was lent to me by a manager from my Toys R Us days: 2000's Bloody Murder. She described at as one of the worst movies she had ever seen, and boy howdy, I tend to perk up whenever someone throws those words around.


Those words ring true though, because Bloody Murder, which just so happens to be the final movie that I've watched before turning 34, is one of the most incompetent and atrocious films that I've watched since beginning this yearly marathon back in 2011. There is nothing good to be found here. I repeat: NOTHING. The dialogue comes across as a desperate, poor imitation of smarter movies like Scream, while the whole look of the picture makes you wonder if you've accidentally stumbled upon a late night "Skinemax" flick. But that would be insulting to those films, because the acting is better in them and their crew of editors are far more competent. Even that box art is a god damn lie, because it deceives the viewer into thinking that we're in for a cheap ripoff of Friday the 13th and the like. While there certainly are elements of better slashers from yesteryear in this (most of its plot is directly lifted from the first entry in the Friday series, and they even manage to steal props from Sleepaway Camp II to use here), most of Bloody Murder plays out like a lame, dull "whodunnit" story. And given just how incredibly boring and stupid these characters are, it makes the experience that much more excruciating to sit through. Mind you, I know that flicks like the old, aforementioned ones aren't going to end up being preserved by the National Film Registry at any point during my lifespan, but after sitting through this monstrosity, your respect for its forefathers and the finesse/care that went into making them will increase tenfold.


I'm not even going to post any links to where you can purchase it, because I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Unless you can obtain authentic absinthe, I don't think drinking would increase one's enjoyment either. If you see it at your local dollar store, you'd be better off throwing a rock at your media player than putting this DVD anywhere near it. Better yet, steal the disc, smash it, and mail a shot of you doing it to main star Jessica Morris of One Life to Live fame, who reportedly hates this piece of crap just as much as I do.



So, if my opinion on this wasn't clear,

Tomorrow, I'll be watching something that ISN'T Bloody Murder.

Unseen Terror 2019: Days 7-9

Apologies for the delay. Work gets in the way sometimes.



I'm several days removed from this year's wonderful Monster Mania Convention in Hunt Valley, MD. As expected, it was a blast and I managed to meet quite a few famous people who were all rather wonderful, and also managed to snag a few gems on Blu-Ray that may or may not make their way onto the marathon. While I was in attendance, I noticed that actress Danielle Harris was one of the featured guests throughout the entire weekend, and was even doing photo-ops dressed in her costume from Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers. While I was initially intrigued, I came to the realization that I've never watched that particular motion picture. It turns out that luck was on my side afterwards though, because both of the Harris-centric Halloween flicks are available for streaming on Shudder. I figured it was better late than never to have them both take up a couple of days for this marathon, and besides, I'm overdue for an old school slasher to make an appearance on here.


The original idea that John Carpenter (who had long since abandoned this series after scoring the unfairly-maligned Halloween III: Season of the Witch) had was for every new feature film titled Halloween to sport a brand new, original story with no continuity between them. Unfortunately, poor box office intake for the aforementioned Halloween III meant that it was time for the studio to bring Michael Myers back, but this time around they would still manage to keep a picture afloat even with the absence of many of the original's cast and crew. Halloween 4 is centered around the young Jamie Lloyd (Danielle Harris), who we learn early on is the daughter of the franchise's original "final girl" Laurie Strode. While her mom reportedly passed away in a car accident, her uncle Michael is very much alive (albeit in a coma after some events that occurred several years ago). On Hallows Eve, ten years after he terrorized Laurie for a second time, he is being transferred between hospitals. The comatose Michael overhears discussions of these relatively recent family events and springs back to his normal, murderous state. Setting off to his old hometown of Haddonfield, it's up to his old psychiatrist Dr. Sam Loomis (Donald Pleasence) to put a stop to him once and for all.


Though I approached Halloween 4 with caution (especially since it's been rendered as a non-canon sequel TWICE now), I was very surprised by how legitimately enjoyable this entry turned out to be. For the most part the acting is quite solid, with Pleasence turning in a performance that while certainly serious and reminding us that he is still very much the protagonist, does show signs that his character may be going down a dangerous path as well. The aforementioned Harris is also fantastic as young Jamie Lloyd, and brings a real sympathetic innocence to her character that you usually don't find in kid actors stuck in horror films. It's easy to see why she has endured as a fan favorite in the genre. Perhaps the one performer who I feel doesn't get the love that she deserves is Ellie Cornell, who manages to take a character like Rachel Carruthers (who could have been looked at as a weak imitation of Laurie) and make her a lot more likeable and easy to root for than most other dime-a-dozen slasher heroines. The rest of the supporting cast is pretty forgettable, but their presences do make for some decent kills.


Nowhere near as skillful as its forefathers but certainly ambitious in parts (and packing a wallop of an ending), Halloween 4 is still a pretty solid and overlooked entry that is worth checking out even if you've dismissed every other movie in this franchise save for the granddaddy of 'em all. There are multiple ways to obtain physical copies of this bad boy, including a Blu-Ray from Anchor Bay and a DVD two-pack that includes its follow-up.

Speaking of, let's move on to Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers, shall we? Because oh boy do I have some things to say about this one. Be forewarned: there are going to be a handful of spoilers in this review.



At the end of Halloween 4, young Jamie Lloyd, presumably under the influence of her murderous uncle, stabbed her foster mother with a pair of scissors. A year later, she has been admitted to a children's hospital and hasn't spoken a word since those horrific events occurred (though she does frequently suffer from nightmares). Elsewhere, her foster sister Rachel has moved out to live a life of her own, and Michael is presumed dead after being shot by the police and falling down a mine shaft. Dr. Loomis theorizes that Jamie's nightmares and odd behavior could be due to a psychic link between her and Michael, who he is convinced is still alive and out there waiting to finish the job he couldn't complete before. As expected, Michael has survived and returns yet again to terrorize the citizens of Haddonfield.


In layman's terms, Halloween 5 is so lousy that it effectively killed any interest I had in reviewing every subsequent film that features "the shape" as the villain. I know that word of mouth says that 2002's Halloween: Resurrection is supposed to be the absolute worst entry in this franchise, but I don't think I have the patience to make it that far (I did it with Hellraiser years ago, and there's still a small part of my sanity that has never returned). Most of what hurts Halloween 5 is that all of the chances that they take are either the absolute worst ones (killing Rachel in the first act of the movie is incredibly disrespectful, as is them seemingly dumbing down her character) or ones that don't quite work out. There also seems to be a lack of care put into the actual filmmaking aspects, because the acting is pretty lousy, the sense of dread is nonexistent, and the newer characters just flat out stink. It says a lot when even the late, great Donald Pleasence doesn't seem fully on board with this one, and his performance borders on comical at times. Perhaps the only highlight is Danielle Harris, but she's surrounded by a cast of clichéd, unlikeable assholes so even she doesn't shine quite as bright as she did before. I must also mention the lack of care put into the Myers costume itself, which appears ill-fitting and more amusing than frightening throughout its running time.


I'm definitely not done with slasher movies for this year's Unseen Terror, but I don't expect to see Michael Myers and/or his associates make a return so soon. As mentioned above, you can buy this piece of junk of a number of formats for more money than I'm sure it deserves, but if I'm being honest, I'd rather see you throw your money towards Halloween III: Season of the Witch or 2018's Halloween instead. Just pretend that this doesn't exist.



…...which the makers of the latter seemed to do.





Well, that was an absolute bummer. I feel like I require a pick-me-up, which could require some rearranging of what order I was going to view everything.

Over the course of eight years, I've made the discovery that if there's one name that I can always rely on, it's Brian freakin' Yuzna. The man's body of work is mostly comprised of hits, and they're usually filled to the brim with wonderfully shocking special effects and gore, absurd comedic moments, and just all-around weirdness. 1985's Re-Animator remains one of my absolute favorite horror-comedies and probably the best adaptation of any H.P. Lovecraft story to date (if Guillermo del Toro ever gets his way and makes "At the Mountains of Madness" though, we may be in for a new top dog). I always meant to dive back into the world of Dr. Herbert West and his delusions of grandeur and strong belief that life after death is not only possible, but doable. For reasons that I can only ascribe to lack of funding, I never got a chance until this month to do so. Luckily, 1990's Bride of Re-Animator, which marks Yuzna's second time sitting in the director's chair himself, was the perfect way to help me forget about the awful disappointment of Halloween 5.


The plot for Bride of Re-Animator centers around the previous film's "protagonists" (and I do use that term loosely) of Dan Cain and Herbert West. Eight months have passed since the rather crazy incident at the Miskatonic University Hospital in Arkham, Massachusetts. The pair have been hiding in Peru, with West in particular relishing in the rather violent and casualty-heavy war that ravages the country. After all, he needs bodies to continue his research and discover just how to master his already astonishing formula that reanimates dead tissue. Eventually, the duo return back to the states and resume their previous jobs as doctors. In the midst of his experiments, West discovers several rather startling things; the decapitated head of his old colleague (and nemesis) Dr. Carl Hill, the preserved heart of Dan's old fiancé Megan, and most importantly that not only can he bring the dead back to life, but he can now create new life using pieces of the deceased. With Dan's permission, Herbert sets out to bring the former's deceased girlfriend back from the dead and reassemble her into a complete person yet again.


One thing that startled me a bit about Bride of Re-Animator was a somewhat eerie similarity to Frank Henenlotter's horror-comedy Frankenhooker, which was also released during the same year as this follow-up. Many plot elements are virtually identical, though I would certainly argue that Yuzna's film is a far more colorful take (perhaps literally) on the "love never dies" formula that we've seen done since the days of Bride of Frankenstein. The man has a knack for assisting in creating some truly bizarre visuals, especially in the final acts of his pictures. I mean hell, have you SEEN Society? He, along with his usual longtime collaborator Stuart Gordon (who is mysteriously absent this time around) also have an uncanny ability to make you feel nervous about the inevitable fate that is septophobia, a.k.a. the fear of decaying matter. As goofy as most of these movies can be, there will forever remain a small part in the back of my mind that is pretty queasy about the idea that I could never be fully in control of my own body.


Cast-wise Bride stands out about as well as its predecessor did, though not without some flaws. Jeffrey Combs is a delight as always, and watching the character of Herbert West slowly descend from "he's got some pretty strange ideas, but he seems alright otherwise" to "oh lord, he's off his rocker" makes for a lot of fun. His speech in the final act when presenting the titular "Bride" to Bruce Abbott's character is purely maniacal, but so magical. On the subject of Abbott: why is this guy not the recipient of more love from fans of the genre? He's fantastic here, and I'd argue that he seems far more comfortable this time around than he did in the original movie. The late David Gale also returns as the severed head of Carl Hill, who was last seen doing....something I don't want to spoil. His role is ultimately kind of insignificant, but does make for some very funny visual gags. Kathleen Kinmont of Halloween 4 fame does a far better job here as a corpse than she did as a rather forgettable slasher victim in that feature, but aside from her none of the new cast additions seem to leave a lasting impact. Heck, some of them don't even serve a purpose other than to go around and scream once in a blue moon.


Those minor gripes aside, I think it's pretty obvious that I'm giving Bride of Re-Animator a recommendation. It'd be pretty hard to dislike this blood-splattered, darkly comedic romp, especially if you were a fan of the 1985 film. Currently, it's streaming on Amazon Prime, and you can easily snag a fancy Blu-Ray from reputable giants Arrow Video.




Tomorrow, I get closer and closer to turning 34. That is frightening. But not as frightening as an early-2000s slasher that may have been lost to time.

Unseen Terror 2019: Days 5 & 6

Six years ago, I was finally able to watch and review the 1983 cult classic The Deadly Spawn. It's a joyous, gory, low-budget romp which proves that one doesn't necessarily need a gigantic budget to make a truly great horror flick. Much to my surprise, however, I heard rumblings of a quasi-sequel out there on the market, and that it sported a higher budget than its predecessor. These rumors proved to be.....partially accurate, as 1990's Metamorphosis: The Alien Factor was indeed originally conceived as a follow-up to that very picture (and was even initially shot under the title of Deadly Spawn 2: The Metamorphosis), but underwent a number of drastic changes over the course of several years. The end result isn't up to par with its forefather, but does this story of a scientist infected by an alien virus that slowly mutates him into a bloodthirsty beast warrant its 4.7 rating on imdb?


Seeing as how I'm still very tired from this weekend's Monster Mania Con in Maryland, I'll try to be as nice as humanly possible: yeah, it kind of does deserve a score that low. I suppose that if I can start with the positive aspects of Metamorphosis, I'd have to begin with the effects work. Even if the feature-length film itself isn't anything to write home about, the overall designs are pretty decent. The main baddy has a look to it which seems to blend influences from the o.g. Deadly Spawn aliens, the tendril-filled horror from The Thing, and aspects that modern day fans of games like Dead Space would likely appreciate. The only flaws in its grotesque design come from when many of the movie's stop-motion moments kick in, and it does a very good job at nearly taking you out of the whole thing with just how immovable it appears to be. Yes, I know that this was during the heyday of straight-to-video 1990s schlockfests (I grew up with it after all), but I imagine that even then people would have been laughing quite a bit at the absurdity of the whole shebang. There are also more than a few cheesy segments and fights that harken back to the best moments of the "first" film, including a beatdown by one executive on a bumbling, wannabe hero that seems to last several minutes and travels across several rooms of the facility that everyone is trapped in.


While all of that nonsense will manage to elicit a fair amount of chuckles from people with an appreciation for dumb cinema, the rest of Metamorphosis is proof that sometimes you can only strike gold once. Most of the dialogue by Glenn Takakjian (who also directed) is just plain awful, or painfully cliched to the point where you'll wish that you were watching something with a slightly similar plot like The Fly II. Not helping matters is a fairly weak cast, who just seem like they don't know whether to play their roles as serious or campy. At least one of them (Allen Lewis Rickman) has several Troma movies listed in their filmography though, so at least one of them understood what was going on here. The pacing, particularly towards the end, also begins to drag and you're just as likely to breathe a sigh of relief before the final stinger at the end.


It isn't breaking new ground, but I did find Metamorphosis to be decently entertaining, though sometimes a chore to get through. It's got the right amount of bloodshed and camp to help its running time move along rather smoothly, and sports a pretty rad monster to boot, but it does feel like nothing is immediately memorable. Anyone who is longing for the days of when every VHS tape that you rented had "that one weird ass preview" on it might want to check it out. The DVD for this sucker doesn't cost a whole lot, and you can catch it on sites such as YouTube....for now.



Just be careful that you don't accidentally come across the other film released in 1990 that is also titled Metamorphosis. We don't need the horror movie equivalent of the Batushka drama, do we?





Alright, time for Day 6.

*deep sigh*



Man, what a strange and shameless piece of excrement. Prior to this year's Unseen Terror, I knew more about 1989's Shocking Dark than I cared to know, and even finally getting around to watching the film in its entirety didn't prepare me for what was to follow. The synopsis should sound very familiar to anyone and everyone who has ever forayed into the realm of science fiction/horror/action hybrids. In the year 2000, Venice has been overly polluted and ravaged. While people work on the surface in an attempt to make things more habitable, bloodthirsty creatures that lurk beneath the city start to attack them or take them below to be cocooned. Soon, a group of soldiers and civilians are sent to investigate and take down whatever threat they may encounter.


If you think that most of that plot sounds awfully similar to the one of James Cameron's Aliens, then you should be happy knowing that your brain hasn't been completely ravaged by rampant drug use. Look, I've covered many Italian horror flicks over the years on here (usually with mixed results). But Shocking Dark is easily the most shameless of the ones that I've watched to date. For about a good ninety percent of its running time, this is a direct ripoff of Aliens, only with a tinier budget, much worse acting (Geretta Geretta of Demons fame deserved far more screen time), and some pretty darn cheap effects work. Then, in a twist that nobody could have expected (unless you look at the poster), the picture decides to rip off another Cameron classic by revealing that someone in the gang of fighters is a cyborg. In a film that was already pretty incompetent and suffering from an identity crisis, this just jams another screwdriver into your head. I wasn't terribly surprised to discover that this was directed by Bruno Mattei, who's made an appearance before on this marathon with the absolutely horrendous Cruel Jaws. I hate to speak ill of the dead, but most of the man's filmography was made up of shameless ripoffs and softcore cinematic forays. Let it be known that I don't have a problem with that, but it's just a fact, and like many of his filmmaking brethren, retitling this as a fake "sequel" to a successful movie from the west wasn't beneath him.


All of my gripes and complaint aside, I do believe that a movie like Shocking Dark has to be seen at least once before you die. It isn't something that aspiring filmmakers should look up to, but you have to admire just how ballsy some of these filmmakers were with their inability to give a single fuck about many "traditional" aspects of writing or directing. Originality isn't the name of the game with many of these flicks, though building off of similar concepts seen in their American influences and adding in something truly bizarre is certainly welcome. But like I said, it isn't a good movie. At. All. Still, if you have some cash to spend (and access to good beer), Severin released a loaded Blu-Ray last year that contains a number of extras and far more attention spent on it than anyone could have expected.



Beware of incessant yelling from this film's version of Newt though.




Tomorrow, I have to go back to work, though perhaps unwrapping one of the newer Blu-Rays I picked up at Monster Mania is an option...