Unseen Terror 2019: Days 7-9

Apologies for the delay. Work gets in the way sometimes.



I'm several days removed from this year's wonderful Monster Mania Convention in Hunt Valley, MD. As expected, it was a blast and I managed to meet quite a few famous people who were all rather wonderful, and also managed to snag a few gems on Blu-Ray that may or may not make their way onto the marathon. While I was in attendance, I noticed that actress Danielle Harris was one of the featured guests throughout the entire weekend, and was even doing photo-ops dressed in her costume from Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers. While I was initially intrigued, I came to the realization that I've never watched that particular motion picture. It turns out that luck was on my side afterwards though, because both of the Harris-centric Halloween flicks are available for streaming on Shudder. I figured it was better late than never to have them both take up a couple of days for this marathon, and besides, I'm overdue for an old school slasher to make an appearance on here.


The original idea that John Carpenter (who had long since abandoned this series after scoring the unfairly-maligned Halloween III: Season of the Witch) had was for every new feature film titled Halloween to sport a brand new, original story with no continuity between them. Unfortunately, poor box office intake for the aforementioned Halloween III meant that it was time for the studio to bring Michael Myers back, but this time around they would still manage to keep a picture afloat even with the absence of many of the original's cast and crew. Halloween 4 is centered around the young Jamie Lloyd (Danielle Harris), who we learn early on is the daughter of the franchise's original "final girl" Laurie Strode. While her mom reportedly passed away in a car accident, her uncle Michael is very much alive (albeit in a coma after some events that occurred several years ago). On Hallows Eve, ten years after he terrorized Laurie for a second time, he is being transferred between hospitals. The comatose Michael overhears discussions of these relatively recent family events and springs back to his normal, murderous state. Setting off to his old hometown of Haddonfield, it's up to his old psychiatrist Dr. Sam Loomis (Donald Pleasence) to put a stop to him once and for all.


Though I approached Halloween 4 with caution (especially since it's been rendered as a non-canon sequel TWICE now), I was very surprised by how legitimately enjoyable this entry turned out to be. For the most part the acting is quite solid, with Pleasence turning in a performance that while certainly serious and reminding us that he is still very much the protagonist, does show signs that his character may be going down a dangerous path as well. The aforementioned Harris is also fantastic as young Jamie Lloyd, and brings a real sympathetic innocence to her character that you usually don't find in kid actors stuck in horror films. It's easy to see why she has endured as a fan favorite in the genre. Perhaps the one performer who I feel doesn't get the love that she deserves is Ellie Cornell, who manages to take a character like Rachel Carruthers (who could have been looked at as a weak imitation of Laurie) and make her a lot more likeable and easy to root for than most other dime-a-dozen slasher heroines. The rest of the supporting cast is pretty forgettable, but their presences do make for some decent kills.


Nowhere near as skillful as its forefathers but certainly ambitious in parts (and packing a wallop of an ending), Halloween 4 is still a pretty solid and overlooked entry that is worth checking out even if you've dismissed every other movie in this franchise save for the granddaddy of 'em all. There are multiple ways to obtain physical copies of this bad boy, including a Blu-Ray from Anchor Bay and a DVD two-pack that includes its follow-up.

Speaking of, let's move on to Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers, shall we? Because oh boy do I have some things to say about this one. Be forewarned: there are going to be a handful of spoilers in this review.



At the end of Halloween 4, young Jamie Lloyd, presumably under the influence of her murderous uncle, stabbed her foster mother with a pair of scissors. A year later, she has been admitted to a children's hospital and hasn't spoken a word since those horrific events occurred (though she does frequently suffer from nightmares). Elsewhere, her foster sister Rachel has moved out to live a life of her own, and Michael is presumed dead after being shot by the police and falling down a mine shaft. Dr. Loomis theorizes that Jamie's nightmares and odd behavior could be due to a psychic link between her and Michael, who he is convinced is still alive and out there waiting to finish the job he couldn't complete before. As expected, Michael has survived and returns yet again to terrorize the citizens of Haddonfield.


In layman's terms, Halloween 5 is so lousy that it effectively killed any interest I had in reviewing every subsequent film that features "the shape" as the villain. I know that word of mouth says that 2002's Halloween: Resurrection is supposed to be the absolute worst entry in this franchise, but I don't think I have the patience to make it that far (I did it with Hellraiser years ago, and there's still a small part of my sanity that has never returned). Most of what hurts Halloween 5 is that all of the chances that they take are either the absolute worst ones (killing Rachel in the first act of the movie is incredibly disrespectful, as is them seemingly dumbing down her character) or ones that don't quite work out. There also seems to be a lack of care put into the actual filmmaking aspects, because the acting is pretty lousy, the sense of dread is nonexistent, and the newer characters just flat out stink. It says a lot when even the late, great Donald Pleasence doesn't seem fully on board with this one, and his performance borders on comical at times. Perhaps the only highlight is Danielle Harris, but she's surrounded by a cast of clichéd, unlikeable assholes so even she doesn't shine quite as bright as she did before. I must also mention the lack of care put into the Myers costume itself, which appears ill-fitting and more amusing than frightening throughout its running time.


I'm definitely not done with slasher movies for this year's Unseen Terror, but I don't expect to see Michael Myers and/or his associates make a return so soon. As mentioned above, you can buy this piece of junk of a number of formats for more money than I'm sure it deserves, but if I'm being honest, I'd rather see you throw your money towards Halloween III: Season of the Witch or 2018's Halloween instead. Just pretend that this doesn't exist.



…...which the makers of the latter seemed to do.





Well, that was an absolute bummer. I feel like I require a pick-me-up, which could require some rearranging of what order I was going to view everything.

Over the course of eight years, I've made the discovery that if there's one name that I can always rely on, it's Brian freakin' Yuzna. The man's body of work is mostly comprised of hits, and they're usually filled to the brim with wonderfully shocking special effects and gore, absurd comedic moments, and just all-around weirdness. 1985's Re-Animator remains one of my absolute favorite horror-comedies and probably the best adaptation of any H.P. Lovecraft story to date (if Guillermo del Toro ever gets his way and makes "At the Mountains of Madness" though, we may be in for a new top dog). I always meant to dive back into the world of Dr. Herbert West and his delusions of grandeur and strong belief that life after death is not only possible, but doable. For reasons that I can only ascribe to lack of funding, I never got a chance until this month to do so. Luckily, 1990's Bride of Re-Animator, which marks Yuzna's second time sitting in the director's chair himself, was the perfect way to help me forget about the awful disappointment of Halloween 5.


The plot for Bride of Re-Animator centers around the previous film's "protagonists" (and I do use that term loosely) of Dan Cain and Herbert West. Eight months have passed since the rather crazy incident at the Miskatonic University Hospital in Arkham, Massachusetts. The pair have been hiding in Peru, with West in particular relishing in the rather violent and casualty-heavy war that ravages the country. After all, he needs bodies to continue his research and discover just how to master his already astonishing formula that reanimates dead tissue. Eventually, the duo return back to the states and resume their previous jobs as doctors. In the midst of his experiments, West discovers several rather startling things; the decapitated head of his old colleague (and nemesis) Dr. Carl Hill, the preserved heart of Dan's old fiancé Megan, and most importantly that not only can he bring the dead back to life, but he can now create new life using pieces of the deceased. With Dan's permission, Herbert sets out to bring the former's deceased girlfriend back from the dead and reassemble her into a complete person yet again.


One thing that startled me a bit about Bride of Re-Animator was a somewhat eerie similarity to Frank Henenlotter's horror-comedy Frankenhooker, which was also released during the same year as this follow-up. Many plot elements are virtually identical, though I would certainly argue that Yuzna's film is a far more colorful take (perhaps literally) on the "love never dies" formula that we've seen done since the days of Bride of Frankenstein. The man has a knack for assisting in creating some truly bizarre visuals, especially in the final acts of his pictures. I mean hell, have you SEEN Society? He, along with his usual longtime collaborator Stuart Gordon (who is mysteriously absent this time around) also have an uncanny ability to make you feel nervous about the inevitable fate that is septophobia, a.k.a. the fear of decaying matter. As goofy as most of these movies can be, there will forever remain a small part in the back of my mind that is pretty queasy about the idea that I could never be fully in control of my own body.


Cast-wise Bride stands out about as well as its predecessor did, though not without some flaws. Jeffrey Combs is a delight as always, and watching the character of Herbert West slowly descend from "he's got some pretty strange ideas, but he seems alright otherwise" to "oh lord, he's off his rocker" makes for a lot of fun. His speech in the final act when presenting the titular "Bride" to Bruce Abbott's character is purely maniacal, but so magical. On the subject of Abbott: why is this guy not the recipient of more love from fans of the genre? He's fantastic here, and I'd argue that he seems far more comfortable this time around than he did in the original movie. The late David Gale also returns as the severed head of Carl Hill, who was last seen doing....something I don't want to spoil. His role is ultimately kind of insignificant, but does make for some very funny visual gags. Kathleen Kinmont of Halloween 4 fame does a far better job here as a corpse than she did as a rather forgettable slasher victim in that feature, but aside from her none of the new cast additions seem to leave a lasting impact. Heck, some of them don't even serve a purpose other than to go around and scream once in a blue moon.


Those minor gripes aside, I think it's pretty obvious that I'm giving Bride of Re-Animator a recommendation. It'd be pretty hard to dislike this blood-splattered, darkly comedic romp, especially if you were a fan of the 1985 film. Currently, it's streaming on Amazon Prime, and you can easily snag a fancy Blu-Ray from reputable giants Arrow Video.




Tomorrow, I get closer and closer to turning 34. That is frightening. But not as frightening as an early-2000s slasher that may have been lost to time.

Unseen Terror 2018: Day 19

October 31, 1978: after escaping from Smith's Grove Sanitarium, serial killer Michael Myers murders several people before being stopped by a combination of young Laurie Strode and his psychiatrist Dr. Samuel Loomis. Forty years later, Michael remains in a mental ward and Laurie has turned into a PTSD-stricken recluse, which has caused a rift between her and her family. Two podcasters arrive at Laurie's abode to interview her about the experience, and after informing her of the news that Michael is due to be transferred to a maximum security prison, try to convince her to see the masked madman one more time as an attempt to get him to speak. Even though they feel it would act as "closure" of sorts, she declines, as she wants nothing more than to finally kill him when he inevitably escapes and returns to their small town to kill again. As fate would have it, it isn't long until the news reports that the bus which was to take Michael to his new penitentiary has crashed...



"Hello Michael..."


Those two words, as simple as they are, have more power in them than the average moviegoer thinks. There has been a rather lengthy break between the release of 2018's Halloween and the last entry in this franchise to receive a theatrical release: Rob Zombie's maligned Halloween II, which I admittedly have yet to finish due to my disdain for its predecessor. Still, when news broke of a new motion picture being developed for release, I know that some fans like myself were intrigued, if not extremely cautious. Then, a plethora of additional information was released over the course of several months, including the presence of Mr. John Carpenter as both executive producer AND composer, and in what must have been the biggest shock of all, the return of Jamie Lee Curtis as iconic heroine Laurie Strode. The recipe was there for a return to form for a franchise that had been bogged down by a string of misfires and divisive sequels. Thankfully, much like Michael Myers himself does throughout most of these flicks, we can all breathe easy.

As I'm sure that most people who are reading this review (all ten of you) have heard, 2018's Halloween is a direct sequel to the original John Carpenter classic, which effectively erases every other entry in this franchise from continuity. A ballsy move to make for sure, but not an entirely foreign concept (look to Superman Returns as an example, and keep your eye out for William Gibson's Alien 3-related comic book that's set for release very soon). Personally, I don't have a problem with this whatsoever, especially if it means that we are lucky enough to see Jamie Lee Curtis return in a starring role. I'll stand by my opinion that Laurie Strode is the quintessential "final girl," though when we first meet this iteration of the character, she has done more than grow up. Gone is the innocent, relatively pure young lady who was barely able to fight off the attacks of a lunatic, and in her place is an alert, fully prepared woman. Curtis is just on fire here, turning in a performance that feels slightly similar to what Linda Hamilton did with Sarah Connor in Terminator 2. This is a human being who while possibly crazed in her own sort of way, has been through an ordeal that could traumatize at least 95% of people and change them for the worse. She's backed up this time around by an equally strong cast, including Judy Greer (Arrested Development) as her daughter and Andi Matichak (Orange is the New Black) as her granddaughter. Greer is usually on point, though I feel like it took me quite a bit of time to warm up to her considering that she seems relatively unenthused for the first few scenes that we see her in. Matichak's body of work is noticeably smaller than that of her costars, but her mannerisms and ability to elicit genuine fear (one sequence involving her in the back of a cop car will cause your chest to tighten) makes me hope that we see more from her in the future. We're also introduced to Dr. Ranbir Sartain, who serves as this film's new Dr. Loomis (so much so that Strode blatantly calls him that), and even though I felt like all he was doing was emulating a protagonist from the past, there are some fascinating aspects to his character that will take you by surprise.

To the surprise of absolutely nobody, Halloween doesn't skip out on the blood either. One thing to admire about Michael's (portrayed again by original actors Nick Castle and Tony Moran, as well as series newcomer James Jude Courtney) entire existence is just how "human" he appears to be in comparison to his slasher brethren. Well, at least if we discount some of the weirder shit that happens in the later entries, but I digress. He's often been compared to a force of nature, and this time around his ruthlessness is akin to that of a hurricane. On more than a couple of occasions, I managed to belt out the occasional "Jesus!" when he was disposing of any poor soul in his path, and the average theater attendee could be quite shocked seeing that the man who sat in the director's chair for Pineapple Express had this kind of brutal imagination inside of his head. There are throwbacks and nods to slayings from the o.g. movie, and some of the newer, gorier methods will probably find their way onto the next YouTube video that you scour for during those late evenings. It does beg the question as to just how bloody strong someone like this could be considering his age and how lengthy his internment was, but I'll just go with the obvious answer: it's a god damn horror movie. Besides, if the filmmakers had tried to tell the audience that he was constantly working out when not contemplating revenge, you would have either accused them of ripping off Cape Fear or just being silly. All of this morbidity comes to a head in an absolutely tense third act which could rival anything found in this year's horror standouts. All of these aforementioned moments are accompanied by an outstanding soundtrack provided by the wonderfully talented John Carpenter himself, and I'd be rather shocked if those who end up disliking this picture came out saying that they hated the music too. It's electrifying, creepy, and perfect for your next horror-themed get-together.


Is this newest entry in the Halloween franchise perfect? Absolutely not. In addition to those quips that I alluded to, there is some typical "stupid people in slashers" logic that pops up, though that's the norm with even the best of the bunch in this subgenre, and some folks might get a little irritated with just how much referencing there is to the films of yesteryear. However, 2018's Halloween still feels like the direct sequel that longtime, patient fans have deserved for so, so long. We've had a spectacular year for horror so far (and there's still a lot more to come), and David Gordon Green's first real foray into the horror genre comes out swinging......er, better make that "slashing." It's a damn fine reason to go to your local cineplex and be reminded of the power of scarier cinema, and also a firm reason for why I can never stray away from this morbid genre. Because if older properties can be rescued from the bottom of the barrel and given better treatment, then why stop?



Speaking of that, if there's any justice in the world, Dimension will finally let the rights for Hellraiser lapse as they did this, and we can see the world of the Cenobites restored to its former glory. I'll be waiting...



Tomorrow, I feel as though we need something a bit more lighthearted, so let's take a trip back to the first half of the 90s, shall we?

Transformers: Age Of Extinction (2014) Review

Several years have passed since a grandiose and destructive battle between the alien races known as the Autobots and the Decepticons ravaged the city of Chicago. Despite the constant defense of humanity, the surviving Autobot units are now being tracked down and destroyed by the Central Intelligence Agency, aided by a new, mysterious transformer named Lockdown. In a small Texas town, a frustrated inventor discovers a rusty and beaten up semi, and takes it in to his barn, hoping that he can disassemble the vehicle and sell the parts in order to help put his daughter through college. The vehicle soon reveals itself to be fabled Autobot leader Optimus Prime, who soon teams with the humble Texans in order to discover the truth behind these huntings, and what involvement the government has.


Oh Transformers, I've had such a strange history with you. I never grew up on your original run in the 1980s, and have still never finished your famed animated motion picture starring the voices of Eric Idle, Orson Welles, and many other respected actors and actresses who were most likely ashamed of having a film about warring giant robots on their acting resumes. Still, given my childhood obsession with all things Dinosaur-related, I loved and adored the concept of the Dinobots, and this lead to one of my favorite animated series and toy lines of the 1990s: Beast Wars, a show that I will still defend to this day, even if its animation is noticeably outdated. In recent memory, I've barely given a pass to your 2007 Michael Bay-helmed relaunch of the same name, though I can not feign enthusiasm for the sequel that you unleashed upon this world. While I skipped your third entry (the rather amusingly titled Dark of the Moon), I figured that a free ticket (thanks to a mixup with the 3D screening of Maleficent) and some available time could be an amusingly dumb way to pass the time, especially since your trailers and television spots highlighted the introduction of said Dinobots…..Alright, enough of this way of speaking.


As eloquent and nostalgic as I may sound above, there are no words that in exist in the human vocabulary to describe what Transformers: Age of Extinction truly is. Off the top of my head, I can think of a small handful within one minute or less: craptacular, shitty, vile, stupid, obnoxious, moronic, and excruciating. You can feel free to tell me more later if you choose to. If it is comparable to an inanimate object, I'd liken it to a birthday cake made entirely out of diarrhea. If you're wondering if the series could sink any lower than the reprehensible, juvenile, and racist Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen, it is difficult to debate. I have been struggling to hold my composure and not type "FUCK THIS MOVIE" repeatedly until I lose consciousness. Alas, I have to try and type something coherent for the small amount of you who read my blog, even if this "movie" is anything but.


Starting off, as far as the non-robotic side of the film goes, I won't spend too much of my valuable minutes talking about the wastes of time and failed creations that they attempt to call "human beings." In recent years, Mark Wahlberg has proved that he can actually step up to the plate when given the right project, but when he's spouting off one-liners and sentences that would make Schwarzenegger cringe, you wouldn't know it. His acting is on par with his now-legendary job in M. Night Shymalan's The Happening, and Shymalan may be relieved to know that he is now free of the dishonor of having concocted and directing Wahlberg's worst performance. Nicola Peltz might be relatively easy on the eyes, but with how quickly she decides to age, her resume declines steadily, and going from The Last Airbender (hey, that's TWO M. Night movie references!) to this is shockingly a downgrade. I also found it slightly creepy that her character is stated to be a mere seventeen years old, and yet the cameras are fixated on as many slow motion sequences and closeup shots as possible, with a stronger emphasis on placing her in rather skimpy jean shorts in the latter half. Director Michael Bay and the three individuals in charge of casting have lifted heavily from the dreaded and lambasted "Big Book of Character Stereotypes." There's the boyfriend with a heart of gold, the tough, older father figure who spends nearly half of the picture arguing with said boyfriend about him dating his daughter (Wahlberg playing Peltz's dad is just plain laughable), the evil scientist with a semblance of a conscience (poor, poor Stanley Tucci), the evil government officials, the smart British scientists, the military douchebag, the sassy, loud black woman, and many more that I couldn't even count on several surrounding hands. It certainly hurts the movie when every surrounding person has to chat and deal exchanges that will only appeal to the lowest common denominator. Its most blatantly offensive depiction comes in the form of the Chinese, who may just attack us after all when T4 opens overseas after this jingoistic piece comes to all areas of the globe. If you're into this type of thinking and find something relatable in these characters, then good for you. Anyone else with no tolerance for this form of laziness will hope that the aforementioned folks are beaten to death with barbed wire baseball bats.


One of my biggest complaints about the Bay-formers pictures lies in the fact that once out of vehicle mode, you can barely tell most of the Autobots and Decepticons apart from one another, since they all just look like giant, metallic messes with the occasional different color scheme (this is especially true for the second film in this franchise). True, if they had used a majority of the designs from the original series, it would have looked even sillier, but it's bothersome nonetheless. In this entry, Michael Bay and his team of helper monkeys with thinking caps have done a fairly commendable job of making most of the Autobots look distinctive, but it comes with a small price. For once we meet his merry group of mechanical minions, they are either painful stereotypes or irritating eyesores. There's the Japanese samurai (who they were kind enough to give squinty, slanty eyes), the gruff army commander (sadly voiced by John Goodman), the rogue, English bad ass who won't say no to a fight, Brains, a miniature robot who can transform into a Notebook when not imitating an older, jive African American, and Bumblebee. Yes, I forgot that he had such a prominent role since the first film and onward, and that for some reason, they decided to re-scramble his voice box after it was fixed at the end of the original Transformers (which leads to a scene with M.C. Hammer's "Can't Touch This" that almost made me walk out of the theater). And before you say anything, yes, I did touch on stereotyping in my previously-written paragraph not even two minutes ago. While I applaud your decision to pay attention, Michael Bay doesn't give a damn about what you think. He has to ruin all of which is involved with Age of Extinction, especially with what you paid to see. The action sequences, despite being flashy and relentless, lack a certain amount of soul to them, especially after the bar has been set so high within the first six months of this year. Even more depressing is the manner in which he portrays the MacGuffinbots, who seem to have suddenly taken over the bodies of my beloved Dinbots. Admittedly, I do admire the redesigns that they went with (until they transform out of their beast modes), but every single one of them serves absolutely no purpose in this picture and could have been replaced with literally any other character, be it Transformer or human. I wouldn't be shocked if they decide to shoehorn characters from Beast Wars or the rather massive being known as Unicron into the fifth motion picture solely for the hell of it.


Speaking of shoehorning, I haven't seen this much blatant product placement in a movie since….well, ever. I'm not oblivious to the fact that you have to make your money back somehow and promote this latest entry to those outside of your general Trapt and Avenged Sevenfold-listening crowds, but was there really a need to have multiple, BLATANT shots. mentions, and advertisements for Bud Light, Beats Electronics, My Little Pony, and Red Bull? It doesn't take a genius or anyone with even the slightest bit of legitimacy in the movie reviewing business to see that this is shameless on the part of the director and Paramount Pictures. Age Of Extinction clocks in at nearly three hours long, and given it's meandering and attempt at character development (notice that I said "attempt"), this length feels more like a chore to sit through, and it will cause several patrons to check their watches or cellular phones to see when the whole experience will finally be over. Whether this is due to prior obligations or just plain boredom I'm not quite sure, but either are acceptable answers. Bay also has the audacity to lift and steal from superior projects released in the last decade, including The Matrix (the mercenary Lockdown is poor man's cross between Agent Smith and Elysium's Kruger), The Avengers, and both of director Neill Blomkamp's full-length science fiction epics. Initially, I didn't want to jump to conclusions and call the man a hack, but he leaps into this category with gusto and not a care in the world, further establishing himself as the Maxim Magazine of Hollywood blockbusters.


Transformers: Age of Extinction holds the (now) distinct honor of making me question everything that I'm doing with this hobby. Mind you, it isn't in some sort of philosophical or existential kind of way, but more in a "stop spending your money, be it free, earned, or stolen on utter garbage" kind of way. If I see a motion picture worse than what I just suffered through any time this year, I may have to duct tape a shotgun to my head and blow my brains out. If this leads to an influx of more toy lines being adapted to film, or worse, a pentalogy (Extinction ends on a cliffhanger coupled with dialogue that makes some of the writing for WWE resemble the work of William Shakespeare), then I'll strap a bomb to my chest, board a flight to California, take acid, and run into the nearest movie studio that I can find. In fact, for those of you taking the time to read this: if you encounter any living person who says that they genuinely and/or enthusiastically enjoyed Transformers: Age of Extinction more than any other recent releases, please hit them in the head with a large rock and throw them into a river. The human race will be better off without these mouth-breathing knuckle-draggers around.




Or just stab them repeatedly. Either way works fine.