If you know me, you're well aware of my adoration for hilariously terrible films. If I'm being brutally honest though, sometimes the recommendations from random strangers about what to add to my queue just tend to bore rather than amuse me. Mind you, I'm not trying to sound like an asshole or am so confident in my ability to choose shitty cinema (not sure that anyone should flaunt that), but I'm getting a tiny bit tired of it. Why bring this up you may ask? Because while perusing my boxes full of random DVDs, I stumbled upon a disc that was lent to me by a manager from my Toys R Us days: 2000's Bloody Murder. She described at as one of the worst movies she had ever seen, and boy howdy, I tend to perk up whenever someone throws those words around.
Those words ring true though, because Bloody Murder, which just so happens to be the final movie that I've watched before turning 34, is one of the most incompetent and atrocious films that I've watched since beginning this yearly marathon back in 2011. There is nothing good to be found here. I repeat: NOTHING. The dialogue comes across as a desperate, poor imitation of smarter movies like Scream, while the whole look of the picture makes you wonder if you've accidentally stumbled upon a late night "Skinemax" flick. But that would be insulting to those films, because the acting is better in them and their crew of editors are far more competent. Even that box art is a god damn lie, because it deceives the viewer into thinking that we're in for a cheap ripoff of Friday the 13th and the like. While there certainly are elements of better slashers from yesteryear in this (most of its plot is directly lifted from the first entry in the Friday series, and they even manage to steal props from Sleepaway Camp II to use here), most of Bloody Murder plays out like a lame, dull "whodunnit" story. And given just how incredibly boring and stupid these characters are, it makes the experience that much more excruciating to sit through. Mind you, I know that flicks like the old, aforementioned ones aren't going to end up being preserved by the National Film Registry at any point during my lifespan, but after sitting through this monstrosity, your respect for its forefathers and the finesse/care that went into making them will increase tenfold.
I'm not even going to post any links to where you can purchase it, because I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Unless you can obtain authentic absinthe, I don't think drinking would increase one's enjoyment either. If you see it at your local dollar store, you'd be better off throwing a rock at your media player than putting this DVD anywhere near it. Better yet, steal the disc, smash it, and mail a shot of you doing it to main star Jessica Morris of One Life to Live fame, who reportedly hates this piece of crap just as much as I do.
So, if my opinion on this wasn't clear,
Tomorrow, I'll be watching something that ISN'T Bloody Murder.
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