Unseen Terror 2019: Day 10

If you know me, you're well aware of my adoration for hilariously terrible films. If I'm being brutally honest though, sometimes the recommendations from random strangers about what to add to my queue just tend to bore rather than amuse me. Mind you, I'm not trying to sound like an asshole or am so confident in my ability to choose shitty cinema (not sure that anyone should flaunt that), but I'm getting a tiny bit tired of it. Why bring this up you may ask? Because while perusing my boxes full of random DVDs, I stumbled upon a disc that was lent to me by a manager from my Toys R Us days: 2000's Bloody Murder. She described at as one of the worst movies she had ever seen, and boy howdy, I tend to perk up whenever someone throws those words around.


Those words ring true though, because Bloody Murder, which just so happens to be the final movie that I've watched before turning 34, is one of the most incompetent and atrocious films that I've watched since beginning this yearly marathon back in 2011. There is nothing good to be found here. I repeat: NOTHING. The dialogue comes across as a desperate, poor imitation of smarter movies like Scream, while the whole look of the picture makes you wonder if you've accidentally stumbled upon a late night "Skinemax" flick. But that would be insulting to those films, because the acting is better in them and their crew of editors are far more competent. Even that box art is a god damn lie, because it deceives the viewer into thinking that we're in for a cheap ripoff of Friday the 13th and the like. While there certainly are elements of better slashers from yesteryear in this (most of its plot is directly lifted from the first entry in the Friday series, and they even manage to steal props from Sleepaway Camp II to use here), most of Bloody Murder plays out like a lame, dull "whodunnit" story. And given just how incredibly boring and stupid these characters are, it makes the experience that much more excruciating to sit through. Mind you, I know that flicks like the old, aforementioned ones aren't going to end up being preserved by the National Film Registry at any point during my lifespan, but after sitting through this monstrosity, your respect for its forefathers and the finesse/care that went into making them will increase tenfold.


I'm not even going to post any links to where you can purchase it, because I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Unless you can obtain authentic absinthe, I don't think drinking would increase one's enjoyment either. If you see it at your local dollar store, you'd be better off throwing a rock at your media player than putting this DVD anywhere near it. Better yet, steal the disc, smash it, and mail a shot of you doing it to main star Jessica Morris of One Life to Live fame, who reportedly hates this piece of crap just as much as I do.



So, if my opinion on this wasn't clear,

Tomorrow, I'll be watching something that ISN'T Bloody Murder.

Unseen Terror 2012: Day 11

Three youths born on the night of an eclipse grow up with a sweet tooth for murder. As everyone around them starts dying, one of the group's classmates grows suspicious and comes to the realization that his "friends" may be more bloodthirsty than expected.


To call Bloody Birthday an ugly hybrid of Village of the Damned and Halloween is like saying that Nickelback is a bad band: it is disgustingly obvious and those that enjoy it may be mentally unstable.

From the get go, we know we're in trouble. One of the first names that pops up in the opening credits is Michael Dudikoff, he of the oh so atrocious American Ninja movies. True, he isn't in the film for long, but his presence alone is enough of a warning. I can't pick on him too much though, everyone sucks in this. I've seen better child actors come out of George Lucas films. Despite the film's title, it also isn't particularly bloody, nor does a birthday play much part in the film, unless you count the actual birth of the evil children themselves and one "party" scene which features no deaths whatsoever.

As stated above though, it is so glaringly obvious that this was rushed into production to capitalize on the success of assorted, better films. I lost count with how many films this wanted to be, but was able to spot Porky's, Halloween, Psycho, The Omen, and Jaws (the score desperately wanted to be a throwback to it, despite the fact that the film was only seven years old at the time). True, the revelation of astrology being to blame for the kids' behaviors was a bit of a surprise, but I still think it reeks of STUPID. And speaking of stupid, nobody over the age of ten in this film seems to have a fully developed and functioning brain. Again, slasher movie logic, but COME THE FUCK ON.

Even by slasher movie standards, this is very stupid stuff. Honestly, that might be my biggest complaint about that sub-genre. The good films that exist are very good, but for every good one, there are at least half a dozen that are insultingly dumb and lack creativity. Perhaps a six pack and company could fix Bloody Birthday's biggest faults, but I don't expect it to.

Tomorrow, we find out whatever the hell happened to Penelope Ann Miller with THE RELIC.