Unseen Terror 2024: Something Something Shudder (Days 5-7)

Writer’s block sucks. Sorry folks. Anyways, let’s get these bad boys out of the way. Apologies if these may seem somewhat short, but I’ve been in a terrible place mentally these past few days and was dangerously close to stopping this for good. Ironic since The Substance reinvigorated my interest in keeping this silly concept alive. For this entry, we’ve got a Shudder-tastic bunch courtesy of……well, streaming service Shudder. Sometimes I can’t come up with clever puns.

 

I’ve had a pretty hit-or-miss history with the (surprisingly) long-running “found footage” V/H/S series. For every segment that hits the mark like a prime Will Ospreay, they have one that misses like vintage David Flair. It’s very rare to find any entry in this franchise that is consistent the whole way throughout their running time. Thankfully 2024’s V/H/S/Beyond may very well have solved that issue, as I feel that there isn’t a single story in here that would qualify as a “stinker” (the wraparound story by documentary filmmaker Jay Cheel is arguably the weakest of these, but still presents itself as being compelling nonetheless) and the “tapes” here seem to have a bit of Science Fiction flair this time around. If I had to rank the segments, I would say that the fourth short titled “Fur Babies” (written and directed by Christian and Justin Long…yes, THAT Justin Long) was the one that stood out to me the most, as its twisted sense of humor and often unsettling machinations (slight spoilers: time spent on the set of Tusk must’ve warped Justin’s brain) presented in the second half were enough to stay in my mind for the rest of the year. Behind that would be the very first story titled “Stork,” a search-and-destroy tale which is written by Jordan Downey & Kevin Stewart (with Downey serving as director). I’m pretty blown away by seeing the growth of those two in particular, seeing as how they gave me one of my least favorite horror pictures in the form of Thankskilling, but afterwards delivered the EXCELLENT The Head Hunter and superb fan film Critters: Bounty Hunter (a.k.a the best thing in that franchise in nearly 35 years). Behind those would be Ben Turner & Justin Martinez’s frenetic skydiving-gone-awry story (the cleverly titled “Live and Let Dive”), Virat Pal and Evan Dickson’s “Dream Girl” (where amateur paparazzi discover more about a pop star in Mumbai than they ever wanted to find out), and Kate Siegel’s extraterrestrial-based “Stowaway,” which is written by her husband Mike Flanagan (Doctor Sleep, Gerald’s Game, and SO many more solid projects). Side note: I had no idea Siegel was from Silver Spring, MD (where I spent half of my years growing up) and grew up in Rockville (where I currently reside). Small world.

 

Overall, I was pleasantly surprised by V/H/S/Beyond. The consistency never really drops, and it highlights some extremely promising filmmakers. Even as someone who is pretty burned out on the “found footage” genre, I’ll almost always check these out until they decide to stop making them.

 

 

 

 

It occurred to me while perusing older reviews on the blog that I apparently missed last year’s annual “Treehouse of Horror” episode from The Simpsons. Seeing as how the latest entry for that has yet to air as of the time of this review, I figured I’d prep myself for it by watching episode 34 on Disney+. Was it worth catching up and taking a quick break?

 

Nope. It’s terrible. Arguably one of the very worst ones they have done since that yearly tradition began back in Season 2. All of these shorts are bad. The first segment is a Snowpiercer parody with Marge jumping into a digital world to rescue Bart while fighting off NFTs. It is utter garbage and serves as further proof that the showrunners need to let Julie Kavner take a bow and finally give her voice a rest. Our second story contains an appearance from fan favorite villain Sideshow Bob (and serves as a parody of the now-defunct Mindhunter series) was perhaps the best of the three, but is still overall weak. This is all the more shocking when you discover that this is a “what if” alternate ending to classic episode “Cape Feare.” The final segment centers on the town of Springfield suddenly being filled with Homer Simpson clones after he consumes a hazardous donut, and his toxic burps cause everyone he encounters to mutate into variations of him. We’ve seen a take on this in season fourteen’s “Send in the Clones,” and (Lemmy I can’t believe I’m typing this) in a friggin’ “FAMILY GUY” episode where Peter Griffin gains the ability to turn everyone in town into Robin Williams. You know your segment is lacking when Seth MacFarlane of all people does a better job with it.

 

Avoid this one if you cherish any good memories of older seasons. In fact, just go re-watch any of those first ten-or-so “Treehouse” episodes instead.

 

 

The nicest things I can say about 2024’s Destroy All Neighbors, a horror-comedy about a struggling musician who accidentally murders the new, eccentric tenant next door, are that I like most of the performers involved (Jonah Ray, Alex Winter, Thomas Lennon, and Kumail Nanjiani), and I’m sure that it was a blast to work on. There’s some fun practical effects work on display as well. But goodness knows why I just couldn’t vibe with this at all. Maybe I needed to watch this with friends or in a better state of mind, as I found that a large chunk of its jokes missed by a mile and after some time, I just said “oh, I’ve seen these bits done better in at least half a dozen other horror-comedies.” Perhaps I’ll revisit this again sometime down the line, but this was the first true disappointment of the season.

 

 

What did NOT let me down, however, was one of this year’s more highly anticipated horror films to make it to select theaters: the slow burn slasher known as In a Violent Nature. Though the slasher genre can feel archaic and stale during these modern times, when you get something that comes along that tries something out of the ordinary such as say, Happy Death Day or the underrated Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon, it is such a sweet treat. Nature’s concept is one we’ve seen before, with a mute, resurrected killer stalking a group of people who may or may not be in possession of something that means a great deal to him. What helps separate this from the pack is that a large chunk of the flick is seen from the murderer’s perspective, and it often moves at his pace. Have you ever wondered what it feels like to walk in Jason or Michael’s footsteps (perhaps literally)? Well, the filmmakers are happy to provide you with that answer. For better or worse, this bloody affair is telling the audience to remain as patient as our villain does, because the payoff is going to be oh-so satisfying. Without going into too many details, I wouldn’t be surprised to discover that most of the people working behind the scenes were unabashed fans of the newest Mortal Kombat video games, because the kills are GRUESOME. In retrospect, I’d say that my only real complaint would have been about its ending, but even then, I feel as though it’s rather fitting considering its somewhat more “grounded” pace.

 

In a Violent Nature lives up to its name, and though it isn’t going to appeal to everyone, I had a remarkably good time with it. It’s mean and unforgiving, but quite rewarding.

 

Anyways, go watch something dope on Shudder. We are really lucky to have it.

Unseen Terror 2023: No Clever Captions (Days 24-27)

Well, let's get through a few more of these things, shall we? I would say that over these last few days, there has been no particular thing to link this crop of movies together other than......uh, they're movies? Sure, let's go with that. Without spoiling a great deal, I will say that all four films are worth seeking out in some sort of capacity.

My first exposure to 1986's woefully underrated Vamp came from browsing through magazines at the bookstores I frequented as a kid (some of whom I ended up working for down the line). Every time I'd see a shot from the film or shots of Grace Jones, I had no earthly what I was looking at. Perhaps because I wasn't in the mood to be confused at the time (a.k.a. I was in the "bring on the gore" phase of my horror fandom), I kept putting it off. Fast forward twenty-something years later and after finally watching the darn thing, I wish I could go back in time and slap my younger self for taking so long. There are also other things I'd kick my own ass for, but those stories are for another day.

The plot to Vamp revolves around a couple of college kids who desperately wish to get into a fairly famous fraternity, so they coerce a fellow student (Gedde Watanabe of Sixteen Candles fame) to assist them with renting a stripper in an attempt to bribe their way in. Heading to a nearby city, the trio find themselves in a fairly "seedy" strip club, where they run into Grace Jones and a gaggle of strange characters that populate the establishment. Oh, and the whole joint is filled with vampires. The first thing you might be thinking of when you hear Vamp's plot synopsis is "hey, didn't From Dusk Till Dawn" do this already? Indeed, it did, but that particular flick didn't come out until ten years after this one. I know people have often said Quentin Tarantino is not so subtle with his influences sometimes, but knowing what kind of an eccentric person he is, I would absolutely not be surprised to hear that he thinks Vamp is the bee knees. Plus, whereas Dusk is more a welding of action and horror, Vamp primarily focuses on comedy and horror.

Slight similarities aside, does the final product work? Well, I'd say that minus a few things that fall under the "cool for cool's sake" banner, it does. The cast is all pretty darn great, with a few familiar faces like the previously mentioned Watanabe, Sandy Baron (yes, Jack Klompus from Seinfeld), blog favorite Billy Drago, and Deedee Pfeiffer (House III, Big Sky) out and about. The glue that holds this whole thing together though is Grace Jones, and to be perfectly honest with you, I don't think it would warrant too many revisits if she wasn't present. Playing the head vampire and acting almost exclusively mute, she just has this aura that can't really be replicated. Her frequent and very unique wardrobe changes do seem like an excuse to let the costume department play around, but hey, it's a 'B' movie after all.

It's pretty late right now, so I think I'll just finish this by saying Vamp is camp. It's also very fun and has a pretty solid soundtrack for good measure. It's currently streaming on Tubi and the fine folks over at Arrow Video also released a fairly packed Blu-Ray not too long ago.

It didn't occur to me until a few days ago that there wasn't a single kaiju/giant monster movie on this year's list, which is kind of a surprising when you consider that it's become something of an unofficial requirement for my marathon. After I gave up trying to track down the '09 remake of Children of the Corn however, there was an open spot to fill, and one gargantuan, fire-breathing reptile decided to drop in. Somehow, this is the first time that Godzilla's main rival (at least, from a rival Japanese studio) has made an appearance for Unseen Terror, though after sitting through 2006's Gamera the Brave, perhaps I should've chosen to revisit one of his darker forays from the 90s rather than what is essentially an "old school" Gamera movie done in modern day. Not a complaint though!

Gamera the Brave's plot has a lot in common with your basic "boy and his dog" story, or even beloved sci-fi classic E.T the Extra-Terrestrial. Thirty-three years after a battle between Gamera and a flock of enemy monsters nearly destroyed Japan (prevented due to Gamera sacrificing itself to halt the destruction), a young boy named Toru discovers a mysterious egg near the same shore where the battle took place. It hatches a baby turtle. which is nicknamed "Toto" by the kid and kept in secret from his father. Within a very short amount of time however, little Toto starts to grow a little larger...and larger...and larger. When a new monster arrives to wreak havoc across the country however, it's all now in the hands of the smaller Toto to step up and save the world as his predecessor did before him.

If you're thinking that the plot synopsis doesn't sound like anything that could fall under the "horror" category, I would say that you're technically correct (the best kind of correct). However, this could also fall well under another sub-category that I've been trying to cover more of over the years, and that's "family-friendly horror." Nothing in here is TOO frightening to scare younger kids, but it's got just enough menace from the new antagonistic kaiju Zedus (a man-eating sea lizard with neck frills and a piercing tongue) to keep them on the edge of their seats. Plus, the fight sequences are pretty stellar, and they even managed to break the stereotype of the kid friendly Gamera movies by having a child protagonist who isn't a completely unsympathetic, irritating pain in the ass. Big wag of the finger to some of the extended monologue sequences in its third act though, and the fact that we never get to hear the iconic Gamera "roar" is a little puzzling to me.

This is a grand little flick though. Unfortunately, burnout from the Japanese public in regard to kaiju films (at least during the mid 2000s) KILLED Gamera the Brave at the box office, so this never received any proper follow-up. Still, it's kind of a precious little project. If you've got young children of your own, this is a great jumping on point for them when it comes to giant monster movies. Yes, they will have to read subtitles, but I think they'll be so entranced by the sights of little Toto fighting the significantly larger Zedus (or be charmed by his silly, albeit familiar antics when he's still hand-sized) that they won't mind. It's currently streaming on Amazon Prime and Arrow Video's own streaming service (which also houses the entire Gamera franchise, save for this year's Gamera Rebirth on Netflix, but I'll get to that eventually).

And now for a complete tonal shift! It was through the now-defunct Shock Waves podcast that I first learned of 2017's Terrified (no, NOT the one with the psychotic clown) from Argentina, as it made several of the hosts' top 10 flicks of the year. Going into the film, I knew next to nothing, including the plot or even what subgenre this would fall under. While I think you ultimately could classify it as supernatural horror film, there is a lot more to deal with besides the spiritual. Grief and suburban fears play a fairly big part of what makes certain scenes in Terrified so effective.

I don't want to give away too much information in regard to the plot, as I feel going into Terrified as blind as you can is what made it work so well for me. A series of very peculiar and violent events begin occurring around a small neighborhood in Buenos Aries, and a trio of investigators (two paranormal experts, one police commissioner) begin to snoop around in an attempt to discover why things have been going awry so often and so suddenly. Brief as that synopsis may be, I feel like it's just enough to not give away anything, as even the smallest of points in its first twenty minutes play a much larger part in the film's latter half. Ironically enough, that second half also kicks the film into overdrive by dropping some truly horrific imagery into your lap (though there are some spotty CGI effects once in a while), with some of the flick giving off the vibe like it's intentionally trying to hurt you. What's all the more effective is how deadly serious the characters seem to be taking this. There's no Hollywood pizzaz going on; it's ugly, dark, and dreary. 

If you're a fan of modern-day horror flicks such as Insidious or The Conjuring, there's a very good chance that'll you end up really enjoying Terrified. Personally, I think it blows the former out of the water and the latter wishes it had the balls to do to the Warrens what it does to these poor souls. Terrifically creepy and moody, with some of the best scares I've had this month so far. Turn off the lights, settle in, choose your watching area with the best sound output possible, and try to just put yourself into this world. It's currently streaming as a Shudder exclusive, though I hope that somehow it will make its way to a wider audience over time. Coincidentally, director Demian Rugna's next foray into horror (Where Evil Lurks) will be making its streaming debut this weekend on Shudder, and I for one can't wait to see just what the man can bring us in the future.

Aussie horror flick Lake Mungo may fit this yearly marathon better than most films I've previously reviewed, as save for a select few individuals (Jay Bauman from RedLetterMedia was the first one I heard sing its praises), I've heard virtually nobody talk about it. When it IS discussed however, people often swoon over its creepy nature, filming style, and how it's a shame that more people have yet to discover its greatness. Cliched as it may sound, you can add my name to the list, as this was yet another knockout for 2023's iteration of "Unseen Terror." See what happens when you're finally done with He Who Walks Behind the Rows?

I went into Lake Mungo knowing virtually nothing about the picture save for the fact that it was inexplicably released via independent movie production company "After Dark Films." The quality of the flicks distributed by them is debatably more varied than that of similar collections such as the "8 Films to Die For" series, but when they manage to land a hit, it's usually a fairly impressive one (2007's Frontiers from France is also worth seeking out). To my surprise, Lake Mungo is actually filmed as a faux documentary, which covers a family as they attempt to come to terms with the death of their daughter, but supernatural elements start to occur soon afterwards. Nobody is quite sure what happens after you pass away, but what if she didn't?

The movie employs a variety of different techniques to tell a fascinating story that you become so immersed in that you swear could be real. The actors speak about as normal as the people you see in your average documentary, and I'm not sure how much of that was improvisation encouragement given to them by writer/director Joel Anderson or if the script was just written very oddly. Found footage scenes interspliced throughout only add to the tension and make you feel just as uneasy as this grieving family does about the possibility that perhaps there is life beyond death. I would say that if I had one complaint it's that there are a few too many characters to keep track of, but all of them serve the greater picture in some sort of way. Removing even the most minor of figures such as the daughter's friend who has barely a minute or two of screen time lessens the impact of certain reveals.

This is the kind of little gem that I love to see. Lake Mungo is a very slow burn, but worth staying with. It's the project that films like The Fourth Kind or The Devil Inside wishes it could be, and it is further proof that Australia may very well be the most underrated country for delivering creepy films to the masses. It's currently streaming on a variety of services (I watched it on Shudder) and I think it's worth seeking out.

Unseen Terror 2019: Days 16-19

Well, that was certainly a busy week. I don't think I've ever fallen this far behind before, but it won't stop me from completing this bad boy. Over the course of these past four days, I've knocked off several works based on or at least connected to celebrated horror legend Stephen King (a common occurrence during any Unseen Terror marathon). But unlike most of the author's own works, this collection of reviews won't be stretched out to an uncomfortable length.

Considering that I lived in Wilmington, North Carolina (where most of this was shot) for close to eleven years, I'm as shocked as you are that I never watched 1984's Firestarter until now. Based on King's sixth novel of the same name, it tells the story of a young girl named Charlie (Drew Barrymore) and her father Andy (David Keith of An Officer and a Gentleman fame) on the run from a shady agency that through secret experiments, has managed to manifest powers in the both of them. He has developed the ability to manipulate the minds of others, which is certainly beneficial when you are trying to avoid contact with anyone who might harm you or your family. Charlie has been granted a far more dangerous power though: pyrokinesis. The aforementioned group discovers the latter's new ability, and hopes that if they can capture the child, her skills can be harnessed as a weapon for the government.


Firestarter feels more akin to a mixture of dark science fiction and thriller than it does a "scary" movie, but when you consider the subject matter, arguing about it being horror-adjacent wouldn't be hard to do. Regardless of how you would choose to categorize this flick, it has one fundamental flaw: throughout most of its running time, it is shockingly dull. Barrymore is doing a commendable job in her role, but there's little reason to care about Charlie other than the fact that she's a kid. It doesn't help that most of the supporting cast, which includes usually-great heavyweights like Martin Sheen, George C. Scott, and Louise Fletcher among others, is also wasted playing eerily similar versions of characters that we've seen countless amounts of times over the course of several decades. Even if you're unfamiliar with the novel it's based on, most of the plot unfolds exactly the way that you would expect it to, giving you a feeling that it could pass for a pilot to a television series (ironically enough, this became a reality eighteen years later in the form of Firestarter: Rekindled). Still, it does boast one hell of a cool finale that I'm certain you couldn't just throw out in the beginning on a series. That final act is quite the spectacle to behold as it finally gives us what we want to see with Barrymore going full-on "X-Men" and letting her emotions get the best of her. I'm not sure if this helped director Mark Lester land his next feature (the Arnold Schwarzenegger vehicle Commando), but it wouldn't surprise me.


That cool moment aside, I found Firestarter to be just a bit too boring to recommend. I'm more interested to see what would have come about with John Carpenter and Bill Lancaster's version of the film, as they were initially approached to direct and write this adaptation. Unfortunately, after The Thing bombed at the box office, the two of them were taken off of the project. Crap. I suspect that if I had seen this when I was younger, my opinion would be different (outside of people being set ablaze, it isn't terribly violent), but if you're a Stephen King completist, you can snag a copy of it on DVD and Blu-Ray for next-to-nothing. At the very least, try to find a physical copy of the very good score by Tangerine Dream.



Alrighty, time for Day 17.

Funnily enough, Unearthed & Untold: The Path to Pet Sematary is the first documentary that I've covered since I began this "Unseen Terror" idea back in 2011. I considered going back to revisit Never Sleep Again, which is an excellent (though quite lengthy) retrospective look at the A Nightmare on Elm Street franchise, but there's not a lot of fun discussing something that I've watched a number of times already. Plus I have some positive memories attached to Stephen King's novel Pet Sematary and its enjoyable (though flawed) adaptation from 1989, so when I stumbled upon this ditty, I figured this could make for an interesting experience.


The first thing you'll notice about Unearthed & Untold is that they have set out to make as thorough of a documentary as they can. Calling this a love letter for fanatics only is the easiest way to describe it to anyone who is slightly intrigued. This serves as both its greatest strength and weakness, because unless you REALLY care about Pet Sematary, there's a very good chance you'll start to zone out or feel tempted to fast forward. There's a lot of technical talk and specifics about the tiniest of things, which while appreciated, starts to feel like the directors are doing their damnedest to stretch it out to an unnecessarily long running time. They seemingly also forget about Pet Sematary Two's existence, but in retrospect that might not be as bad of a decision as I initially thought it was. On the plus side, getting the chance to snag every living actor or crew member involved for discussions is very impressive for what is essentially a documentary made by diehard fans. I'm very sad that they were unable to include more archival footage or interviews with the late Fred Gwynne, but I am very happy that Mary Lambert gets more than a few minutes to talk. I've always had an immense amount of respect for Lambert considering that she was one of the first female directors in the horror genre to make an impact (and judging by her appearance here, she also has impeccable fashion taste these days). I wish she had had given the filmmakers some tips of how to properly edit a documentary though (her final interview has her being drowned out by music that slowly creeps in).


It bears repeating, but even if it does feel a bit amateurish, Unearthed & Untold is a perfectly fine documentary, though solely for fans with a lot of time on their hands. I feel like it could have been featured as an extra on a Blu-Ray rather than as a standalone release, but I'm just some schmuck talking about movies on a blog that most people don't read. If you want to check it out, it is currently streaming on both Shudder and Amazon Prime, and the Blu-Ray from Synapse isn't too pricey either.



*whew* Time for Day 18.

So this isn't the first time during this year's Unseen Terror marathon that I'm tackling a television series for an entry (go back about a week or so for my usual foray into the Goosebumps show from the 1990s). The difference between that bit of corny nostalgia and the following choice is primarily due to anticipation and genuine excitement.


As a teenager, I never imagined that we would live in a time where horror seeped its way into the world of television this frequently, and that most of these programs would be lovingly embraced. Some of the most noteworthy shows, be they on cable or exclusively available through streaming services include American Horror Story, The Walking Dead, Stranger Things, The Haunting of Hill House, Hemlock Grove, and more that I have yet to sit down and watch myself. Perhaps the success of those spearheaded the opportunity for Creepshow: The Series to become a reality. Announced back in July of 2018, this anthology series is the first in a number of years to feature the name shared with the 1982 and 1987 films that are beloved by so many horror fans. Though o.g. creators George Romero and Stephen King are sadly absent this time around (Romero passed away two years ago), series veterans Greg Nicotero and Tom Savini, who both previously worked in the effects department for the original two features, have returned to help out (with Nicotero serving as producer). As of the time of this writing, I discovered that Savini himself also directs a segment in one of the episodes, but it has yet to air. No, you didn't read that wrong. Creepshow is a weekly episodic show, meaning that you can't just immediately marathon the entire shebang during one pizza-filled afternoon. Deal with it.


Anyway, as for the quality of the content found within, Creepshow is off to a fairly good start. The first episode features an adaptation of the Stephen King story "Gray Matter" from his collection "Night Shift." Directed by Greg Nicotero himself, the story of a boy whose father develops a "drinking problem" features performers such as Tobin Bell (Saw) and Adrienne Barbeau (also of original Creepshow fame) and a slew of in-jokes and nods to other King works. I always thought that the original story was fairly creepy, and they managed to do a faithful job with this one. The second story of the first episode is "House of the Head," which could prove to very divisive with some fans solely due to how incredibly odd it is. Written by Josh Malerman (whose printed works include Bird Box and Unbury Carol) and directed by John Harrison (known for composing the scores to Day of the Dead and the original Creepshow, along with directing Tales from the Darkside: The Movie), it's a peculiar tale of a little girl's dollhouse being visited by a severed head that I'm still not quite sure how to rate. I give it points for originality, but feel like it drags in parts. There is a very good chance that I'll be re-watching this one sooner than I expected to, just so I can finally have a real opinion on it.


From beginning to end, episode two has been my favorite of this series so far. "Bad Wolf Down" feels the most like an original Creepshow idea (it even has some of the same lighting effects from the o.g. flick) and sports a wonderfully silly performance from Jeffrey Combs as a Nazi colonel seeking revenge against some American soldiers, who themselves receive some unusual assistance in dealing with these racist shitbags. It's also one of the few stories featured in this anthology not to be based on previously existing material. But it pales in comparison to what is likely to be the standout of this entire month-long run: "The Finger." Written by David J. Schow of The Crow fame and directed by Nicotero yet again, it is a darkly comedic story about a lonely loser (DJ Qualls of Road Trip and The Man in the High Castle fame) who acquires a gangly-looking finger that begins to slowly grow over time. It is strange, charming, funny, and kind of adorable. There's also some pleasant practical effects work which us older horror fans don't see nearly enough of these days. I don't want to give too much away, but I think I smell the money of merchandising.


Unfortunately, episode 3 delivers the first real stinker of the series with "All Hallows Eve," which is also directed by John Harrison. It's an annoying story about kids terrorizing a neighborhood on Halloween and it honestly isn't very exciting to watch, even if it does try to pay homage to some of the old EC Comics twists with its own. Thankfully, the second story (the oddly-named and very blunt "The Man in the Suitcase") is a real home run with how sinister and amusing it can be. It has enough of a good mixture of old and new horror elements to keep your interest throughout its short running time. Good stuff.


I'll likely finish the rest of Creepshow: The Series by the time that this year's marathon wraps up. So far, I'm enjoying it for the most part and would suggest getting Shudder (even if its only for a month) to check this bad boy out.



And despite some of the problems found in this series, it's still better than Creepshow 3.



Wait, I've never watched Creepshow 3.



Let's change that for the 19th day, shall we?

…………..I......just......man. Everyone warned me about Creepshow 3 and its lack of quality in every department, but I never listened. Overexaggerating tends to be a problem in the horror community, but this amount of negativity was warranted. By the time of this film's production, the rights to Creepshow belonged to Taurus Entertainment rather than Warner Bros, and they decided after staying silent for twenty years, the time was right to resurrect the Creeper and make a new horror anthology that could please old and new fans alike. They did not succeed. Perhaps the lack of involvement from anyone noteworthy from the previous flicks is to blame.


Lead story "Alice" is based around a bratty teenager whose entire life gets twisted around when her father comes into possession of a universal remote that does things like turn her family into a different race every time he tries to adjust the color setting on their television. She also begins melting every time something freaky happens (because of course she does). What could end up as a clever discussion on race relationships and how to treat one another ends up lacking anything interesting and just feels like a waste of time. It also has one of the most befuddling and nonsensical endings that I've seen in a number of years. "The Radio" stars A.J. Bowen of You're Next and The House of the Devil fame. He deserves far better than this tale of a guy who buys a new radio off of a street vendor that begins to have conversations with him and drives him to madness and murder. This had potential, but it just never quite hits the mark and feels like cinematic Nyquil at times. In the hands of better writers and directors, I feel like it could have worked as a segment in another horror anthology, but it doesn't feel like a Creepshow segment. "Call Girl" has Eileen Dietz of The Exorcist fame (she was the face of Pazuzu) in a brief cameo as a homeless woman. It certainly is nice to see her, but this story of a killer prostitute who has a bit of a problem with one of her clients is predictable, features effects that even the Asylum would shake their heads at (this is Spirit of Halloween-levels of cheapness), and again, feels like it doesn't belong in an anthology that bears the infamous name of Creepshow. Lame. The fourth segment, a.k.a. "The Professor's Wife," takes some influence from The Stepford Wives but tonally is an absolute mess and features some truly awful writing. Lousy. "Haunted Dog" is if you took "The Hitch-Hiker" from Creepshow 2 and removed anything memorable. It also goes on for what feels like a lifetime and by the time it's over, you may want to question your movie-watching choices like I did. Whack as fuck. I should mention that there's also a wraparound story (of sorts) with characters from each individual segment popping up in other people's own segments (ala Pulp Fiction or Sin City), but given how boring all of them are, you won't be able to muster anything other than deep, pained sighs.


On review aggregator Rottentomatoes.com, this film is sitting at a whopping ZERO PERCENT. Even by bad horror movie standards, that is extremely rare. And you know what? It absolutely deserves it. This was the first movie on this year's marathon to legitimately make me angry, and I'll be as nice as I can be here by saying that is will likely end up in the bottom ten of worst movies I've watched since beginning this journey back in 2011. It isn't enjoyable in any sense of the word, it's an insult to the two previous Creepshow movies, and lacks anything remotely charming, meaningful, or even fun. Even without the moniker, this would still stink. Don't waste your time on this one. Instead, seek out Tales from the Darkside: The Movie. Tom Savini has reportedly gone on record stating that the latter is the "real" Creepshow 3, and based on the quality of stories in the two pictures, I'm inclined to agree. Or better yet, go watch Mike Dougherty's awesome Trick 'r Treat for the first or tenth time.




Tomorrow, I need a cleanser. ANYTHING has to be an improvement over that last film.