Unseen Terror 2022: Day 1

Well, I can't say I expected to be doing this again. As I stated on various social media platforms last year (okay, just Facebook and Twitter), I was very burned out and lacked the necessary focus and honest-to-Lemmy passion to do an Unseen Terror marathon in 2021. I did a little bit of researching and I'd theorize that anhedonia had something to do with it. That, and an incredible amount of stress stemming from both jobs I had at the time and a feeling that it just wasn't worth putting in any effort to continue with a crummy little blog that I barely update outside of October. Thankfully time has passed, and though I am down one job (which was by choice and done for the sake of improving my mental heatlh), I do feel like things are on the upswing. Thus, I would like to welcome the return of said crummy little blog and my yearly journey to watch 31 new horror (or at least horror-adjacent) motion pictures throughout the month of October. I began this hellacious (though admittedly entertaining) process back in 2011. With that much amount of time having gone by, what the hell else is out there that is left for me to discover?

As it turns out, there is a rather large abundance of "important" films in the genre that I could've sworn I had seen but had yet to see in their entirety. Ironically enough though, when it came to finally sitting down and watching 1979's The Amityville Horror, perhaps I had seen this already without actually having done so. I'm not entirely sure a plot synopsis is necessary since this story that serves as the primary inspiration for director Stuart Rosenberg's (of Cool Hand Luke fame) twelfth full-length feature is a rather infamous one within the realm of morbid and/or "spooky" tales. I suppose that if I had to give a Cliffsnotes version though, it would be the following: a married couple (played by James Brolin and Margot Kidder) and their children move into a house where unbeknownst to them a grisly murder took place the year prior. Within a short amount of time, peculiar and horrible things start to occur to any and all individuals affiliated with their new home.

An all-too familiar and frequently referenced plot aside, there are a great deal of positives that lift this film a bit higher than some of its modern contemporaries. The late Margot Kidder is friggin' great (and absolutely gorgeous) and manages to convey genuine terror every time she is ever put in a perilous situation. James Brolin does most of his acting through a lot of grimacing but it's certainly memorable. A large part of the supporting cast lean too much into the hammy side in their approaches to their characters, with Rod Steiger giving a rather "loud" (albeit fun as shit) performance as a priest seemingly cursed by the home after attempting to bless it within the first ten or so minutes of its surprisingly long running time. It isn't going to be for everyone, but I had the biggest shit-eating grin on my face every time that he stepped in front of the camera. He seems to have the absolute worst luck of any human being that I've seen in quite a while, and he just decides to turn it up to eleven at any possible opportunity.

Alas I can't discard the largest flaw that The Amityville Horror suffers from: you don't realize just how much has been lifted from it over the course of forty years and (through no fault of the flick itself) it feels pretty dated and predictable. Hell, just off of the top of my head, I can recall the very first episode of The Simpsons' "Treehouse of Horror" and how it referenced the bleeding walls and the abode itself yelling at the family to leave the premises. The idea of a family living in a cursed home on soiled ground was also explored a mere three years afterwards in Tobe Hooper's far superior Poltergeist. I also feel as though they just didn't seem to attempt any sort of proper wrap-up and the movie ends on a bit of a wet fart. Yes, I am fully aware of the whole "based on a true story" schtick, but still. Sometimes taking liberties can lead to a stronger experience and one that is more fondly remembered.

My nitpicking aside, I did find myself having a thoroughly fun time finally watching this unexpectedly influential flick. At the time of this writing, The Amityville Horror is streaming on Amazon Prime (so long as you have the Starz add-on) and a 4K Blu-Ray release from the rather awesome Vinegar Syndrome is right around the corner. If you've got a couple of hours to kill and like seeing where the seeds are sewn for other, better pictures over the decades to follow, check it out.

And before you ask, no. I am NOT doing this entire goddamn series. I almost lost my marbles going through the entire Texas Chainsaw series two years ago and have zero desire to do such a thing again (though The Amityville Karen does sound fascinatingly atrocious).

Side note: since the time of those reviews, there has been one more addition to the aforementioned Leatherface-centered franchise and while I can say it's not as terrible as Texas Chainsaw 3D, it still stinks beyond belief. 

Tomorrow, we jump forward to the present for a long-awaited sequel to an October classic that has developed a stronger fanbase than you or I could've ever imagined!

Unseen Terror 2020: Days 26-31

 Note to self: look up "YouTube for Dummies" at work when you get the chance to.

Oh....erm, you weren't supposed to see that.

Let's just, uh, get these things out of the way. Thankfully I try to save the good stuff for the end of this yearly marathon, and I think that every film I'll (briefly) discuss is worth going out of your way to watch.

I don't quite recall how I first heard about Dario Argento's Tenebrae (heralded by many as one of his five or six magnum opuses), but I do owe it to myself to try and view every picture that he has released throughout his career. Yes, I'm aware that I didn't even watch my first film by the Italian giant until a few years ago (Phenomena, followed by Suspiria and Deep Red) but after one becomes acquainted and a tad bit obsessed with a particular director and their own unique brand or style, that shouldn't surprise you a whole lot. Tenebrae follows prolific writer Peter Neal as he takes a trip to Rome to promote his newest book: a murder-mystery novel titled "Tenebrae." Almost immediately after landing, a series of murders begins, with the killer ripping pages from the book and stuffing them into the mouths of the victims. Disturbed and confused, Neal teams up with two detectives and his assistant in an attempt to figure out who in the world is behind this string of killings and why they seem to be obsessed with the author's works. 

On the surface, fanaticism being taken a bit too far seems to be Tenebrae's primary focus, though I do believe there's a lot more than meets the eye when it comes to its themes and symbolism. This is one exceptional piece in the subgenre known as "giallo," and it will probably take me a few more viewings to dissect it. Then again, when it comes to Dario Argento, he's one of those directors whose body of work is best experienced if you are patient or possibly a little more "seasoned." Tenebrae is slow, and feels longer than it actually is. The acting is very up and down across the board, and even the presence of the recently departed John Saxon can't quite lift it up all the way. It's also, however, unmistakably stylish and incredibly well shot. The kills are executed across mostly bright surfaces and bright rooms, which makes the blood splatter stand out in a way that almost makes you feel as though you're staring at someone lose their mind inside of an art gallery. The Italian horror flicks have always managed to deliver beauty during moments of unbelievable brutality. The soundtrack is also composed by frequent Argento collaborators Goblin and to the surprise of no one it is killer. And despite my observation that Tenebrae isn't the fastest-moving picture, it never bores. If you've got some caffeine or a nice glass of wine on you, fire this one up on Shudder.

Honestly, the less I say about 1981's Dead & Buried the better. And that is NOT a bad thing, as I view this tiny gem (recommended for years by my own parents!) as one of the absolute best that I've gotten the chance to watch this season. The story is about a small town sheriff who begins to investigate a series of murders that seem to primarily involve tourists or people just passing through. Even more bizarre is when some of those individuals begin to reappear walking around the town as if nothing had occurred. Dead & Buried has one hell of a list of talent involved. Behind the camera you've got screenwriter Dan O'Bannon of Return of the Living Dead & Alien fame. On screen you've got a very solid cast which includes a young Robert Englund (A Nightmare on Elm Street) in a small supporting role and Jack Albertson (Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory) as a positively strange mortician who seems to be a little too proud of his work. The script for Dead & Buried is surprisingly smarter than one would expect, and it baffles me that this was categorized as a slasher movie when it really plays out more like a horror/mystery combination rather than your typical "killer in a mask stalking young adults playing teenagers" fare. There are some genuinely creepy as fuck moments in the flick, including some that played into personal phobias of mine (you'll be able to guess). It does suffer from having somewhat of a predictable final twist, but that shouldn't stop you from seeking this one out. I do hope that this finds an audience over time.

Fade to Black serves as a cautionary tale for sad weirdos like myself that you should probably take your movie obsession down a notch sometimes. The film stars Dennis Christopher (Breaking Away, Stephen King's It) as Eric, a strange and socially awkward cinephile who after having taken a bit too much shit throughout the entirety of his life, finally snaps and starts to kill those who wronged him by impersonating some of his favorite fictional characters from the silver screen. This amusing piece has been enjoying a lot more popularity over the past year or so thanks to (in my opinion) the lengthy documentary known as In Search of Darkness, which chronicles the 1980s horror scene. It isn't hard to see why this has been receiving a lot of love: the cast, which also includes a very young Mickey Rourke, is mostly solid, with Christopher turning into a wonderfully fun performance that makes Eric out to be more sympathetic than we initially think he'll be. The entire time that we are watching his descent into madness we're thinking that "the poor fucker never had a chance," and amusingly enough another character utters these very words later on towards the film's climax. I feel like most of this flick wouldn't work without Christopher (or at least its flaws would be more glaringly obvious). Unfortunately the supporting cast doesn't fare quite as well, despite as I mentioned, turning in mostly good performances. I would place a lot of that blame on what is very likely time restraints or tampering with the script. Most of Fade to Black works really damn well though, and in the end it's another nice hidden gem that has been seemingly dug out of obscurity and given a new lease on life. It's currently streaming on Shudder and is set to receive a Blu-Ray release via the reputable Vinegar Syndrome quite soon.

Here's a quick review for you of this one: if you don't like Gwar, then Phallus in Wonderland isn't likely to convert you into a new fan. Gwar released a series of full-length "movies" during the 1990s and this story of Oderus Urungus' "Cuttlefish of Cthulu" being stolen and put on trial was the very first and arguably most prolific (it was nominated for a friggin' Grammy). The movie is messy, loud, and pretty damn dumb. As someone who enjoys the band because of all three of those traits, however, I was thoroughly entertained. If anything, it also taught me that smoking crack will transport me to Antarctica and entitle me to a private Gwar concert. Neat.

I remember seeing the trailers for both of the full-length theatrical releases associated with Tales from the Crypt EVERYWHERE when I was a kid, but much like the show itself, I was never permitted to see either of them until much later on in life. Man oh man do I wish I had seen Demon Knight (one of THREE proposed pictures that were to be associated with Tales) when I was younger though: I would have ended up buying this bad boy on at least three different physical media formats. The story begins with...well, technically the Crypt Keeper giving us a quick rundown of what we're about to watch. I don't know why I expected him to NOT show up. Silly me. Anyway, it opens with William Sadler (Die Hard 2, The Shawshank Redemption) on the run from Billy Zane (Titanic, The Phantom) and him taking refuge in what was once a church that has now been converted into a boarding house. Inside we meet a gaggle of familiar faces: Thomas Haden Church (Sideways), Dick Miller (Gremlins, The Terminator, fucking EVERYTHING), CCH Pounder (Justice League Unlimited, The Shield), and Jada Pinkett (of Wicked Wisdom fame bruh) just to name a few. Some time passes and Zane shows up again, and after some ruckus has been brought, we find out that he's pursuing a very specific artifact that may in fact be the key to all of hell reigning over the earth. Demon Knight is utterly bonkers, and if I may be so eloquent, my kind of shit. The performances are what makes some pieces of 90s horror cinema so memorable (Zane in particular RULES here), the practical effects work and makeup are solid, and it manages that proper balance of horror and humor that is harder to accomplish than you'd think. Most importantly, it's FUN. I managed to catch this via a friend's Plex account, but should I have a few extra bucks lying around during Xmas time, I'm not hesitating to add this to my collection.

We reach the end....for now. The good news is that I managed to fit in thirty-one features into the month yet again. The bad news is that I have to make the sad confession that up until the year of everything being an absolute dumpster fire, I had never seen 1986's Night of the Creeps. Again, I'm very familiar with it and know that it has a very dedicated cult following, but I never really had the friends in high school to talk about this kind of stuff with so I was never able to see it from beginning to end. I often give myself shit for not planning far ahead in advance, but towards the end of last year I managed to snag the Scream! Factory Blu-Ray for Night of the Creeps from an FYE that was closing down. Usually when I begin to jot down ideas for how these marathons are going to begin and end, they both have to be heavy hitters. Oddly enough though, Night of the Creeps was a box office dud when it was first released despite receiving warm reviews from critics and audiences alike. Ah fuck it, let's just go on with it now.

The story is a VERY odd one: alien slugs crash on earth, infect their victims by crawling into their mouths, and slowly turn them into murderous zombies that simultaneously serve as breeding grounds for more of their kind. Like all fun romps, it's soon up to a small group of people to determine how in the world one stops these things and to prevent them from taking over the entire town. Night of the Creeps is a very clear homage to the golden era of 1950s sci-fi and horror movies (so much so that it's opening sequence is shot in black and white) and manages to wonderfully blend those two genres together with some comedic dialogue that mostly sticks its landing. It also features beloved genre veteran Tom Atkins as a detective who may or may not have sewn the seeds for all bad things to come decades prior to everything going down, and it's yet another reason why you can argue that he had one of the most impressive resumes of any performer during the decade of its release. I mean hell, you have Creepshow, Halloween III, Escape from New York, Lethal Weapon, The Fog, and this all released over the course of seven years! It's a shame that the man isn't held in higher regard, because he is a pure unadulterated badass throughout its running time. The rest of the cast aren't slouches by any means either and all have great chemistry with one another, but they just can't compare to the man with one of the best mustaches in Hollywood. As for the quality of the film itself though? Thankfully most of it works, and it does a pretty fun job at making you think it's going to be one type of flick before it reveals itself to be another. The practical effects work is also wonderfully gross and there are some deceptively bloody (but not gory) kills. If it weren't for the occasional bare breast or really harsh curse word, I'd even make the argument you could have gotten away with making it a very risky PG-13.

I'm not saying this because it's late, but there isn't a lot I can add about Night of the Creeps that you likely don't already know. It's an underrated gem from a decade of decadence that is chocked full of WAY too many movies that still don't have proper home video releases. It's entertaining through and through and genre fans will also get a kick out of trying to pick out all of the easter eggs hidden within. Watch it alongside either writer/director Fred Dekker's other fabulous effort that is The Monster Squad or James Gunn's not-so-subtle nod to the picture known as Slither and have yourself a good ol' time.

And......it's over.

Until tomorrow(ish).

I got more stuff to talk about.

Thanks again to anyone who paid attention, read, discussed, or even gave one quarter of a shit about this little thing I do for fun. In the meantime, I'm going to rewatch Trick 'R Treat before bed.

Unseen Terror 2020: Catching Up (aka Days 19-25)

Depression sucks. So does writer's block. And so does working throughout most of your days during a global pandemic. However, I'm still here and I have to satisfy my handful of fans and/or friends so let's just jump right in before I fall behind yet again.

Continuing off of the most recently published review, I'm hanging within the realm of horror-romances with 2016's Are We Not Cats. This VERY odd piece revolves around two young people suffering from Trichotillomania (look it up) who fall for each other. It's a quick watch, but I'd file this one under the category of "not for me." It's very slow, and doesn't really get interesting until much time has flown by. It DOES, however lead to a very gross climax that will certainly stick in your mind for quite a while. If you're in the mood for a very "indie" feeling oddity of grim romance, then you can find it on Shudder for the time being.

There is very little romance or love to be found in the fifth entry of the surprisingly endearing Critters franchise, and this marks the first time that the carnivorous fuzzballs from outer space have made an appearance on (technically) the big screen in nearly three decades (a miniseries titled Critters: A New Binge was also released on Shudder, but it's best we don't talk about that). The plot is pretty basic: the Krites crash land on earth, begin to eat everything in sight that moves, and it's up to a group of young misfits to take them out. I'll just be blunt here since I'm trying to knock these reviews out as fast as I can: Critters Attack! makes New Binge look like a work of genius in comparison. The body count may be higher than any other picture in this series, but this should not have been as difficult to get through as it was. The movie has a very "made for Syfy channel" feel to it, and while it's very nice to see them use puppeteering for most of its running time, it isn't enough to make up for how lackluster the picture is in every other area. The acting is subpar, the effects fairly cheap (the Chiodo Brothers are sorely missed), and the characters range from dull to annoying. Poor Dee Wallace, who was set to return as her character from the very first Critters, but had to change it due to some strange legal reasons, is criminally underutilized and looks unenthused to be here. It also has a not-so-subtle attempt at trying to imitate Gremlins (a comparison I've always hated as Critters' script had been floating around before that flick came out) by introducing a white, gentler Krite named Bianca who has an unusual connection to the evil little beasts. She's a cute creation, but the entire subplot revolving around protecting her just feels so forced. It's kind of a shame that Critters isn't nearly as lucky as other horror franchises have been with recent revivals (ala Child's Play or Halloween). Perhaps it's best that you just seek out the fan film titled Bounty Hunter on YouTube instead of wasting your time watching this cheap mess.

Needing a nice palette cleansing, I made the last minute decision to seek out 2009's Coraline for a rewatch. I haven't been able to catch it since its initial release back on home video, but lucky for me it was available on Amazon Prime. I feel as though this little flick doesn't need much of an introduction, but I'll try for one anyway: frustrated with her seemingly innocuous life and (mostly) emotionally distant parents, 11-year-old Coraline Jones discovers an alluring parallel world hidden behind a door in her new abode. While things initially appear to be nothing but absolute perfection, it harbors dark and sinister secrets, and the girl soon finds that her idea of heaven could be much closer to that of hell.

Coraline is based off a Neil Gaiman (American Gods, Sandman) children's story, and it's one of the few instances where I think that a theatrical adaptation is just as good as its source material. The voice cast is superb, with Dakota Fanning turning in an excellent performance as our titular protagonist, and Teri Hatcher (Desperate Housewives, Lois & Clark) showing that perhaps you should consider giving her more villainous roles were the offers presented to her. Stealing the show however is the always reliable Keith David (Spawn, The Thing, They Live, Gargoyles, etc.) as a mysterious talking cat who can seemingly travel between both worlds without any real explanation. The film also looks like a true piece of art: Studio Laika have always had a keen eye for crafting gorgeous-looking pieces of cinema while also never being afraid to elicit genuine chills. They don't treat the primary audience (children) like idiots, and Coraline isn't afraid to creep you or your kids out with gangly, freakish designs that could frighten younger viewers. One has to remember that this is technically a fantasy/horror hybrid after all.

Not much more to say about this one. If you can pull off a double feature, I'd suggest pairing this up with Laika's follow-up effort Paranorman or last year's surprisingly solid entry Monster House.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, up next was 1981's cult favorite My Bloody Valentine. I had shockingly never seen this one until recently and I can only attribute that to laziness. This tale of a crazed man in a miner's uniform offing people on and around Valentine's Day has developed quite the following ever since its release nearly four decades ago and is often hailed as one of the finest in the slasher genre. Unfortunately, I was oblivious to the fact that this flick has been the victim of severe editing by the MPAA: to put it lightly, My Bloody Valentine was torn to pieces before it opened in theaters and most services out there only offer what was clearly not meant to be this version of the final product. Sadly, I'm one of those folks who was unable to track down the "uncut" version. While I did enjoy the movie overall and feel like it is very competent for what could just be dismissed as "yet another slasher film," it did feel as though I should have been willing to spend a few extra dollars in advance and just buy it outright rather than rely upon wishful thinking. This isn't nearly as big of a fail on my part as it was when I first watched the butchered cut of Possession, but this will serve as a reminder to myself to put in a little more effort when it comes to relying on just streaming services for everything. Again, solid flick, but a proper review might not be in order until I can track down a "real" cut.

Going back to the initial theme now: Romantic horror really doesn't seem to get a lot of love these days (pun intended?), but when it is done right there is just something so special about it. 2014's Spring makes a serious argument for "best surprise" of this year's Unseen Terror marathon. The story follows a young man who named Evan, who embarks on a much needed stress relief trip to Italy after the loss of his mother and job. Soon after arriving, he becomes infatuated with a mysterious woman named Louise and they eventually end up in a relationship with one another. Evan is fairly open with the young lady about almost anything, but Louise harbors a terrible and frightening secret. At the risk of not spoiling much, I shall cease talking about the plot of Spring any further, as I feel it's best to experience this feature with as little knowledge of it as you can have. Part of what makes Spring work so well isn't just the fact that it feels like a breath of fresh air for the more "loving" side of the genre, but that it does feel so genuine. Its greatest strength lies in the chemistry between our two leads: Lou Taylor Pucci (American Horror Story: 1984) and Nadia Hilker (The Walking Dead) are both at the top of their game here, and each character feels like some variation of a person you don't just know, but may probably count amongst your closest group of friends. Hilker in particular is fascinating to watch. When you discover what makes her so "special," you're initially shocked, but she plays it with such a real sense of tragedy that you can't help but want to root for these two even more. I suppose that if I have any real complaints, it would be that there isn't much of a supporting cast to speak of, as the only other performers of note disappear before the first half of the film has finished. It also can be a little too "wordy" for some casual viewers, but when you consider that this has frequently been described as "Richard Linklater meets H.P. Lovecraft," you shouldn't be too surprised. Again, much like Coraline, there isn't a great deal more that I can say about Spring other than to seek it out via either Tubi, Amazon Prime, or Shudder if you're in the mood for a film that is just as strange as it is serene, or if you and your significant other both want something to watch that isn't already sitting on your DVD shelf.

These will be quick(er) and to the point, as both Haunt and the other picture below were both viewed as part of Shudder's "The Last Drive-In with Joe Bob Briggs," so there aren't an insane amount of details about these that can't be discussed by a much more seasoned veteran like Briggs himself. Haunt is a love letter to the "haunted house" attraction with some very well-executed kills and a pretty great final girl, but it isn't going to set the world on fire. It also contains one of the most baffling covers I've heard in a very long time played over its end credits, and it was so laughably stupid that it almost knocked my score down by a full star. Still, I have to be a little more mature about these things and can acknowledge that this is better than your average modern day slasher picture.

Outside of its title, I had absolutely NO familiarity with whatever the hell Hack-O-Lantern was. Hell, even Red Letter Media covered it in the past, and yet I couldn't remember a single thing about it. I can assure you that after sitting through this one sober however, I wish that Uber Drinks was a thing. I was hoping that Hack-O-Lantern would turn out to be something akin to watching someone kill innocent victims with pumpkins or something equally silly, but what I got with Hack-O-Lantern is a VERY dumb and VERY messy movie about Grandpa and his ol' Satanic cult and their plan to initiate the man's grandson into the group. There is a lot of random stuff thrown into this movie (including a random full-length heavy metal music video) and none of it makes any sense in the long run, but I suppose that if you're inebriated to the point where you gain the ability to forget how to spell out the word "the," its utter stupidity is fairly forgivable. This is ultimately how I feel about the final product: drink a lot and you can find Hack-O-Lantern very entertaining. If you are a stone cold sober human being though, this one can be a real chore to finish, especially if you aren't prepared for a set of performers that seemingly act worse than the dog from The Room.

Anyway, please have patience. I will be back later tomorrow for more written reviews. 2020 has been certainly been a motherfucker of a year, but I won't let it slow me down completely.

Unseen Terror 2020: Days 16-18

 Ahhh sequels. Don't you just watch them?

Anyway, for reasons that I can ascribe to pure coincidence, this weekend's choices for Unseen Terror were all follow-ups to films that have been previously covered over the many years of doing this silly little blog-o-thon. One of them was a very last minute addition though, and boy oh boy do I have some stuff to say about that particular entry.

I honestly keep forgetting that there is a sequel to 1984's underrated gem known as C.H.U.D., and after sitting through the sequel that was released five years afterwards, I really wish that I could still forget it. The plot for C.H.U.D. II: Bud the Chud has little connection (if any) to the original picture outside of uttering the word "Chud" several times, and mostly focuses on the titular "Bud" causing hijinks and infecting as many people as he can with singular bites. Who is this man you ask? Why, he's the result of a failed military experiment who initially ends up in the hands of a trio of doofuses for ridiculous reasons. Trading in a LOT of the legitimate horror aspects from its predecessor for idiotic comedy that falls flat at pretty much every turn, C.H.U.D. II looks like a good time on paper, but the whole picture is executed in a way that just leaves you with a disappointed scowl throughout most of its running time. I'm happy to see Gerrit Graham (The Critic, Terrorvision) get more screen time no matter what the project may be, but this whole experience just, in layman's terms, really stank. Stick to the original C.H.U.D. or just google screenshots of Tricia Leigh Fisher's swimsuit if you're a sad sack of shit like I am. That + the admittedly catchy "theme song" to the flick are about the only positive things to say about it.

Did YOU know that there was a sequel to The Car? And that it came out last year? Neither did I! Well, perhaps it's for the best that we all just kind of.....not talk about this. Making C.H.U.D. II: Bud the Chud look like a masterpiece in comparison, I am dumbfounded by how utterly HORRENDOUS The Car: Road to Revenge actually is. The plot is a Frankenstein's creation with elements taken from The Crow, Robocop, and Shocker: a rich asshole who can't quite hide his New Zealand accent is killed by a group of rejects from The Crow: City of Angels and Queen of the Damned and his spirit manifests itself into his priced vehicle, which then sets out in search of the people who murdered him. If I see a movie worse that The Car: Road to Revenge this year (not just this SEASON), I'll be legitimately surprised. The movie is ugly as sin to look at, the cast is incredibly boring, the kills are nothing to write home about (save for one which I clipped and put on my twitter to save people the time), and worst of all, the titular car is BARELY in the flick itself. A last minute cameo from Ronny Cox (Robocop, the o.g. The Car) can't save what is ultimately a waste of time and just a pathetic excuse for a sequel that took FORTY-TWO YEARS to come out. I really don't understand how you can take a concept as simple and basic as The Car and try to make it anything that resembles The Crow of all things (and in 2019 no less). This can fuck right off of a cliff.

If you know anything about me, you know that I absolutely adore the Tremors films (well, more so the first two), but this revival that it's seen over the past few years has been less-than-stellar. I was not fully aware that the original creators at Stampede Entertainment (Nancy Roberts, Brent Maddock, S.S. Wilson, and original film director Ron Underwood) had zero involvement with the franchise once Tremors 5: Bloodlines was released back in 2015. It does explain why these newer films, while not without their charm, just don't feel quite right or at home with longtime fans such as myself. I did think that Bloodlines was a perfectly fine, if not unspectacular entry in the series, but 2018's Tremors: A Cold Day in Hell was a pile of missed opportunities and fairly unacceptable lies (promising Graboids in the snow and not delivering deserves a paddlin'). Thankfully Tremors: Shrieker Island is better than the aforementioned movies, but it isn't by a substantial amount. The story for the seventh picture in this series is a variation on Richard Connell's "The Most Dangerous Game:" an arrogant billionaire (Richard Brake of 3 from Hell) imports Graboids to a remote island where he and his hunting buddies intend to hunt them for sport. Seemingly forgetting about the very strange lifecycle that these worms partake in, they soon discover that they're up to their necks in "Shriekers," and it's up to good ol' series veteran Burt Gummer (Michael Gross) to come and help these poor suckers get out in one piece before they get torn to...well, pieces.

So we'll start off with the good aspects of Tremors 7 (hey, it's easier to type out): Michael Gross is always fun to watch. Seeing a very disheveled Burt living isolated on a island in the middle of nowhere makes for some amusing gags early on, and his interactions with the newer members of the cast are entertaining (particularly Jackie Cruz). We're also free of Jamie Kennedy's Travis, who as one character explains is "in a Mexican jail. Don't ask." I don't dislike Kennedy as a person, but I felt as though his presence and dialogue in A Cold Day in Hell really hurt the picture as whole. Then again, supporting characters in this franchise have historically been incredibly hit-or-miss once they went into the realm of straight-to-video. The newer designs of the titular Shriekers are also fairly neat, and much like recent outings in these films, they've developed their own little tricks and traits to help them stand out in this new location. Unfortunately, now we have to come to the bad and the "meh." While I have not liked either of the Rob Zombie-directed movies which garnered him more attention over the years, I still like Richard Brake as an actor. Unfortunately, his villain is one that we've seen time and time again and you never get the sense that he's much of a threat to anyone or anything. The CGI is also fairly ugly, and really reminds you of why sometimes practical is the way to go, even if the former is more time-friendly. Jon Heder's character is also a bit on the bland side, but he thankfully doesn't grate nearly as bad as prior sidekicks have. He does have an obnoxious tendency to reference Predator a bit too often though, and while I'd normally never have a problem with anything that mentions one of my favorite films of all time, it feels very tacked on. Finally there are some very important Burt-centric plot elements that just had me groaning, but I'd rather not give those away on here. Let's just say that the screenwriter must have really liked Logan.

Tremors 7 is a step up for this series compared to the two movies that preceded it, but the absence of Stampede Entertainment is hard to ignore and in the end, I don't view it as necessary viewings for anyone except for diehards like myself. It isn't terrible by any means, but it never manages to go beyond the realm of "just okay." If you're curious about where to find it, you'll have to wait a few days to buy a physical copy from places that are in no way infected with COVID-19.

Do you want to hear something amusing? I own Return of the Living Dead 3's poster design on a t-shirt obtained from one of Fright-Rags' "mystery" clearance sales. I was pretty stoked to get it, but while compiling this year's Unseen Terror list, I realized that I had never seen it from beginning to end in a VERY long time. Heck, I saw this one way before I ever watched the original film (a.k.a. the VERY FIRST entry in Unseen Terror), and that has gone on to become one of my absolute favorite horror movies. Four years ago, I covered the second picture and in retrospect I'm honestly not the biggest fan of it as a whole (though it's still baffling to see just how low of a rating it has on RT). Regardless of my thoughts on ROTLD2, I have heard from multiple sources that this motion picture, while a major bomb at the box office, was the last truly good and/or interesting flick in that franchise, and after revisiting it I'm inclined to agree.

This time around, we're focusing primarily on a young man named Curt (J. Trevor Edmond from Lord of Illusions) whose girlfriend Julie (Melinda Clarke of The O.C. fame) is accidentally killed during a motorcycle ride one evening. Initially distraught, Curt suddenly recalls seeing the results of a reanimating experiment that his father's company was working on and breaks into their base of operation. Exposing Julie to Trioxin gas (a staple of these flicks), she springs back to life, but it isn't long until she starts to exhibit signs that aren't unlike that of the undead. Return of the Living Dead 3 makes a very bold choice by abandoning much of the humor found in its prior entries and going for mostly full-on horror and most shockingly, romance. Despite Curt coming across as incredibly naïve throughout a lot of the movie's running time, you do get the feeling that he and Julie genuinely care for one another and feel bad for the both of them when she becomes more bloodthirsty and prone to violent behavior. It helps that the two leads have good chemistry with one another, which could have brought this movie down HARD had that not been the case. Clarke is also exceptional here: she does become somewhat cartoonish during certain moments but is bringing her 'A' game for a film that she could have just blown her nose at. She also sports one hell of a great look during the climax that I'm sure has been cosplayed at multiple conventions over the decades. Sadly, nobody else in ROTLD3 is anything special: Predator 2's Kent McCord plays Curt's military father and they don't really give us any time for character development between him and his son until the final ten minutes or so. There's also a ragtag group of villainous stereotypes who stalk our "heroes" that feel more like walking mincemeat than legitimate threats, but sometimes that's par for the course with the horror genre. The makeup work and gore is also a step up and fairly impressive considering it wasn't allotted the biggest budget ($2 million still isn't a great deal for something released to theaters).

Because it's late, I'm not sure I need to wax poetic on Return of the Living Dead 3 any more. Sure it has some flaws, and some people might be turned off by how very "angsty" it can be at times (someone HAS to have done some "AMVs" with this set to gothic metal bands' tunes), but I'll be damned if it isn't at least different and doing a good job to keep you entertained. Brian Yuzna (yes, of Re-Animator and Society fame) set out to inject some life-boosting Trioxin into these films, and for the most part I think he succeeded. Not a bad way to end a block of projects that I was prepared to dub "sad sequels."

Unseen Terror 2020: Days 13-15

My apologies. This has been one hell of a stressful week, so I've been behind a bit on writing reviews this time around. If I could receive some tips from people about potentially switching over to do video reviews from now on, I may just do that for future entries.

Anyway, it's pretty late where I am so let's just get these over with.

 

When Thirteen Ghosts (a.k.a. Thir13en Ghosts) was released in theaters, I distinctly remembering just rolling my eyes at the trailer and outright dismissing it. Similar views were shared by seemingly every film critic across the country, because god DAMN did this thing get torn to shreds worse than even the most idiotic of films to come from the horror genre. Over time it seems as though the movie has garnered a bit of a cult following, and a lot of modern horror critics champion the flick for being what amounts to essentially a bloody funhouse ride (it IS a loose remake of a William Castle work after all). And you know what? They're absolutely right, and I'm willing to eat a big bowl of crow in regards to my initial, unfair disdain for a picture that I hadn't even bothered to sit down and watch.

Thirteen Ghosts' fairly basic concept revolves around Arthur (Tony Shalhoub) inheriting a rather large fortune (and most importantly a house) from his deceased uncle. When he, his kids, and their nanny decide to settle in at the new place, they soon discover that it is infested with a number of malevolent spirits. They're joined by a psychic (Matthew Lillard) with connections to Arthur's uncle, and they begin to look for a way to escape the wrath of these violent souls. I gotta tell you right off the bat: the story is pretty damn dumb and very predictable if you've ever watched even one paranormal horror film. The acting is also insanely over the top, with Lillard and antagonist F. Murray Abraham competing to see who can chew the scenery better (though their on screen interactions are sadly kept to a minimum). Lillard in particular seems like he is trying to channel his best Nicholas Cage and Aliens-era Bill Paxton. Without him, I don't know if the film would be nearly as enjoyable as it is. Unfortunately, a lot of the other cast members are just kind of.....there. Shalhoub is doing a perfectly fine job, but his daughter (played by American Pie's Shannon Elizabeth) feels like an afterthought and ultimately turns into nothing more than a damsel in distress. I'll give props where they're due though: the titular ghosts themselves make for some unique-looking monsters.

Far from a masterpiece, but definitely nowhere near the turd that would make Roger Ebert's "Most Hated" list just four years after its release, Thir13en Ghosts is worth a quick watch if you are searching for some entertaining early-2000s schlock. Heck Lillard's performance alone is worth the rental price!

My familiarity with 1982's Madman came from only ever seeing its poster at both video stores and assorted message boards. It's a simple, yet effective design that stands out even amongst the sea of seemingly endless slasher movies that would be dumped into theaters during the decade of excess that everyone loves to romanticize these days.

I wish I could say that I liked the actual finished product itself though. As far as expectations for this year's Unseen Terror marathon go, this is the first real disappointment I've experienced (those later Texas Chainsaw movies don't count because I had no expectations for them). Madman boasts a recognizable lead performer in the form of Gaylen Ross of Dawn of the Dead and Creepshow fame (albeit under a different name), but outside of her presence and a couple of admittedly nasty kills, it's a very standard "summer camp killer" motion picture. There are far too many moments where it just slows to a crawl, and while I'm normally content with slow burns in the realm of horror, this was starting to put me to sleep and make me wish that I was watching The Burning instead.

In fact, unless you're a slasher completist, go do that instead before wasting your time with this one.

I was fully prepared to review the yearly episode of Treehouse of Horror from The Simpsons, until I realized that I had actually jumped the gun a bit: that doesn't air until this upcoming Sunday. Much to my surprise, I discovered that I never got around to viewing LAST YEAR'S episode though, so the day was saved. And it's....fine. If you know me, I've never been shy with expressing my adoration for Matt Groening's most famous creation(s), though after the tenth or eleventh season, my interest starts to wane. Despite the dip in writing quality and the show's insistency that it be even more "pop culture friendly" these days (seriously, an ENTIRE episode based around Lady Gaga coming to Springfield?), these anthology episodes are something that I try my damnedest to stick with. The episode opens with a surprisingly funny parody of The Omen that also reminds us that this is the 666th episode of The Simpsons. Best. Coincidence. Ever? The first full segment is a Stranger Things parody that centers around Milhouse disappearing and feels like more of an excuse to shit on the character's repeated attempts to win Lisa's heart. It does have an amusing ending gag though. The second story is essentially what would happen if Homer died, went to heaven, was sent back to Earth due to a botched deal with Google, but couldn't return in his own body. It provides a few chuckles here and there, but save for seeing how many bodies Homer can "take over," it's probably the weakest of the lot. The third and final piece of last year's Treehouse of Horror is a parody of The Shape of Water with Selma Bouvier falling in love with a captive Kang. It's fairly cute with an ending that recalls one of Futurama's more bizarre plot twists and episodes, but something struck me as being very depressing while watching it (plus the aforementioned opening): Julie Kavner really needs to just settle down and retire. She sounds like she can barely pull off ANY of these voices anymore, and seeing as how she recently turn 70, I think she's earned a right to just count her money and let them audition a new Marge. I know that might sound blasphemous, but at this point I don't really care. Anyway, this episode as a whole is perfectly cromulent.

That brings us to day fifteen's Arc de Triomphe: the absolutely batshit insane Tobe Hooper-directed creation known as The Mangler. I have VERY specific memories of this Stephen King adaptation: while I never saw the film in its entirety as a kid, I do recall seeing its opening sequence and being absolutely flabbergasted at the sight of a middle-aged woman being pulled into a giant laundry press and being turned into a bloody pile of mangled (hardy har har) flesh. Anyway, after that very memorable moment, we're introduced to office John Hunton (portrayed by a mushmouthed Ted Levine of The Silence of the Lambs fame) who is naturally disgusted by the news of this very unusual death. He reconvenes with his brother-in-law Mark, who just so happens to be an expert demonologist and after several more mishaps around the area involving large appliances and gruesome deaths that are all linked to the blood covered apparatus, is convinced that the press is possessed by an unknown entity.

In the traditional sense of the word, The Mangler is not a good movie. The acting is comically over the top, the concept ludicrous, and the scares mostly muddled in trying to gross you out more than genuinely scare you. It is also insanely fun, which is no doubt due to whoever was in charge of casting. Levine getting the chance to portray a hero for once in his career must not have settled well with him, because he still acts a bit squirrely like he did in the film that made him famous years before this was released. He has nothing on the immortal Robert Englund however, who is designed to look (and seemingly act) like he belongs in a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles comic or television series. Every moment that he appears on screen, the world of The Mangler just gets better and better. Stephen King's original short story that this is loosely based on was a largely humorless one, but with how silly and joyous the final product is here, you might have trouble believing that the two are even affiliated with one another.

I've seen The Mangler get annihilated by some horror historians over the past couple of decades and that makes me very sad. If you can't have the same type of fun with a gloriously wacky, violent, and unusually charming flick that I had, I feel a little sad for you. Much like Thir13en Ghosts, it most certainly won't go down as a classic in any field, but it is provides you with an undeniably entertaining time.

Unseen Terror 2020: Day 10-12

It wouldn't be my silly horror marathon without the occasional hiccup, would it? Sometimes I think that switching over to video reviews is a much better alternative, but I lack the funds to make that happen. Anyway, due to some birthday commitments (which included my own), here are some quick thoughts about the last three pictures I watched over the course of this weekend.

It was on the tenth day of this month that I could declare that I am mercifully done with the Texas Chainsaw Massacre franchise, and after watching the SECOND attempt at a prequel story in this series, I pray to whatever deity will listen that ideas for resurrecting the Sawyer family and their kin remain dormant for a lengthy amount of time. Leatherface is set several years before the events of the original picture and tells the story of how the titular character came to be who he is. There's a story involving him being sent to a mental asylum and escaping with a group of crazies and.....honestly, I can't muster the energy to even give this movie the thorough trashing that it deserves. Though the kills are appropriately nasty and Lili Taylor gives a decent performance as Verna Sawyer, the rest of this movie is just putrid, forced, or downright idiotic. I was aghast when I saw that this came from the same people who made the horrifying and unsettling Inside, which is one of the most uncomfortable and cruel flicks that I've ever seen come from overseas. I'm torn between who I think has the the worse luck when it comes to lousy sequels or retreads: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre or Hellraiser. At this point, this series doesn't need someone to bring integrity back to the franchise: it needs a pillow over the face.

On the plus side, it IS marginally better than Texas Chainsaw 3-D.

1985's Creature was a film that had been on my radar for much longer than I realized. I do like me some Peter Benchley, plus the addition of Craig T. Nelson and Kim Cattrall as lead performers only added to my excite-...wait, this isn't THAT Creature? This is the one directed by the man who gave us Feardotcom? And from the writer of Supernova?

Well then. Creature (also known as Titan Find) is essentially what would happen if you made Alien, splashed in some elements from The Thing, and slashed its budget significantly while also forgetting how to keep your audience interested. I'd love to say that the presence of noted German legend Klaus Kinski lifts this film up even a smidge, but he's barely in the picture as it is and feels incredibly subdued when he does appear on screen. Come to think of it, I can't really come up with anything positive to say about this one. It's shockingly boring, poorly lit, and cheap-looking in the wrong kind of way. You'd be better off watching other Alien "ripoffs" like Contamination or even last year's ridiculously dumb Shocking Dark.

I feel as though whatever the twelfth day brings, I desperately need my mood lifted.

 

Okay, I'm (technically) cheating here. I first saw portions of Cat's Eye as a kid and eventually made my way to watching the film in its entirety during my teenage years. It has been quite a while since I did that though, and through the magic of Plex I was able to revisit this wonderful anthology from the year of my birth. I won't mince words: Cat's Eye holds a very special place in my heart. It was one of my earliest introductions to the world of Stephen King, showed me how great practical effects and green screen can be when in the right hands, and most importantly it solidified my love for tabby cats. Two of the stories found here are based off of previously-published King short stories ("Quitters Inc." comes from Night Shift, "The Ledge" from Penthouse magazine and also Night Shift), with the third ("General") being a wholly original one penned for the flick by the Maine madman himself. Other than every segment involving the same cat in some sort of capacity, the connecting theme throughout all of these appears to be the fear of losing your loved ones. 

"Quitters Inc." revolves around James Woods joining a strange organization that will seemingly cure him of his nicotine addiction, though if he strays from this path even once, they promise that there will be consequences involving his family. I did not remember this one being as goofy as it is, but Woods' near-constant neurotic performance makes this a very entertaining thirty-or-so minutes. Hell it could have gone on for another ten and I still would have been perfectly content. "The Ledge" is eerily similar to "Something to Tide You Over" from Creepshow; Robert Hays plays a man who is forced to circle a VERY narrow exterior of a tall building by the husband of the woman he's been having an affair with. Even those who don't share the same fear of heights that some of my own friends do will likely feel a little queasy, which can be attributed to some great camerawork and trickery. "General" however, is perhaps the most notorious and well-liked story in Cat's Eye. The aforementioned cat, who had acted as more of a background player prior to this while also avoiding other King creations such as Cujo and Christine (not kidding!), finds himself in the home of young Drew Barrymore and runs afoul of her distrustful mother. Because of her apprehension and insistence that he remain an outdoor cat, the feline is initially unable to protect the girl from a benevolent troll who enters her room with the intention of stealing her breath. Eventually the two creatures meet and we bear witness to a wonderful fight which showcases how criminally underrated this film's effects are. I feel as though I've lost count with how many times I've watched this particular segment over the decades, but it never fails to put the biggest smile on my face. It also has a great vocal performance from Frank Welker as the tiny terror whom only Barrymore is convinced exists.

Like I did with the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre, I don't think there's much else that I can add when it comes to heaping praise on Cat's Eye. It's a truly wonderful little movie and was the perfect piece to help erase the memory of the past few flicks from my mind. Go watch it and give your pussy some loving while you're at it.

.................note to self: don't type that again.

Unseen Terror 2020: Day 9

Okay, I'm on a very tight schedule this weekend, so this review might not be as long as I would want it to be. Then again, there's a very good chance that most of the following paragraphs would consist of various ways of saying "but why though" should I spend too much time on it. We're into the fifth decade of the Texas Chainsaw franchise, and this time around we're (again) jumping back in time to the events of the first picture (specifically the moment after it ended) and ignoring every other entry that followed. We open with a gaggle of Texas residents burning down the Sawyer family home just after they had reluctantly agreed to surrender Leatherface to the authorities. Fast forward to present day where young Heather Miller discovers that her grandmother has recently passed away, and she sets out on a trip with her friends to collect the inheritance that may or may not also include a certain chainsaw-wielding maniac.

Look, I'll be as brutally honest here as I can be: I was going into Texas Chainsaw 3D expecting bottom of the barrel material. The reviews on this have been pretty nasty over the years, and seeing as how I am not the biggest fan of the "3D" gimmick in cinema (at least for horror films), I didn't have much hope for this entry. Compared to yesterday's TCM: The Beginning it is marginally better, but that's like saying you prefer to get punched in the stomach rather than kicked in the head. For starters, if you are a stickler for continuity and timeline accuracy, this movie will drive you absolutely bonkers. There are plot holes so large you could drop a goddamn Gundam through them. I'm not trying to be meticulous or anal about this, but if we the audience are to believe that this takes place in present day, that means Leatherface is possibly in his SEVENTIES but can still run like he's training for the Olympics. It also means that Alexandra Daddario (True Detective) is significantly older-looking than she appears to be. Don't get me wrong, she's one of the better things about this mess of a movie (save for having to shout one TRULY terrible line towards the end), but it's yet another aspect that I believe they forgot about when the screenplay was being finished. Speaking of that, this could legitimately have the worst script of any entry in this series so far, which manages to somehow take a step backwards in terms of crafting likable protagonists (something that even The Beginning did better) or writing memorable dialogue. I found myself just yawning or groaning during most of the lengthier conversations between characters and the boredom feels that much worse when you realize that most of it amounts to absolutely nothing (an affair subplot for one).

If I could list off a few positives about Texas Chainsaw 3D though, they would be that there are some nice cameos from veterans of the series during the opening segment. The aforementioned Daddario is also perfectly fine but that can also be attributed to the fact that everyone else around here is pretty damn bad. The kills aren't too shabby. There's also some.....interesting choices that are made to the Leatherface character; painted here as more of a crazed antihero than a full-on villain. I'm not too sure if I liked this decision personally, but it was a risk they were willing to take knowing that it could alienate a good portion of the fanbase so...uh, good on them? Then again, this film is also co-written by Adam Marcus of Jason Goes to Hell fame, so I suppose that I can't be too surprised by the biggest twist reveal during its third act.

I'm certain this film has its fans, and I may be willing to revisit it down the line so I can view it in legitimate 3-D (my own television lacks the ability to utilize it), but boy oh boy I do not expect that to be any time this year. All I can say is thank goodness there's only one more entry left in the Texas Chainsaw Massacre franchise, because I think I've had just about enough of these films and their inability to stick to just one timeline or tone.