Depression sucks. So does writer's block. And so does working throughout most of your days during a global pandemic. However, I'm still here and I have to satisfy my handful of fans and/or friends so let's just jump right in before I fall behind yet again.
Continuing off of the most recently published review, I'm hanging within the realm of horror-romances with 2016's Are We Not Cats. This VERY odd piece revolves around two young people suffering from Trichotillomania (look it up) who fall for each other. It's a quick watch, but I'd file this one under the category of "not for me." It's very slow, and doesn't really get interesting until much time has flown by. It DOES, however lead to a very gross climax that will certainly stick in your mind for quite a while. If you're in the mood for a very "indie" feeling oddity of grim romance, then you can find it on Shudder for the time being.
There is very little romance or love to be found in the fifth entry of the surprisingly endearing Critters franchise, and this marks the first time that the carnivorous fuzzballs from outer space have made an appearance on (technically) the big screen in nearly three decades (a miniseries titled Critters: A New Binge was also released on Shudder, but it's best we don't talk about that). The plot is pretty basic: the Krites crash land on earth, begin to eat everything in sight that moves, and it's up to a group of young misfits to take them out. I'll just be blunt here since I'm trying to knock these reviews out as fast as I can: Critters Attack! makes New Binge look like a work of genius in comparison. The body count may be higher than any other picture in this series, but this should not have been as difficult to get through as it was. The movie has a very "made for Syfy channel" feel to it, and while it's very nice to see them use puppeteering for most of its running time, it isn't enough to make up for how lackluster the picture is in every other area. The acting is subpar, the effects fairly cheap (the Chiodo Brothers are sorely missed), and the characters range from dull to annoying. Poor Dee Wallace, who was set to return as her character from the very first Critters, but had to change it due to some strange legal reasons, is criminally underutilized and looks unenthused to be here. It also has a not-so-subtle attempt at trying to imitate Gremlins (a comparison I've always hated as Critters' script had been floating around before that flick came out) by introducing a white, gentler Krite named Bianca who has an unusual connection to the evil little beasts. She's a cute creation, but the entire subplot revolving around protecting her just feels so forced. It's kind of a shame that Critters isn't nearly as lucky as other horror franchises have been with recent revivals (ala Child's Play or Halloween). Perhaps it's best that you just seek out the fan film titled Bounty Hunter on YouTube instead of wasting your time watching this cheap mess.
Needing a nice palette cleansing, I made the last minute decision to seek out 2009's Coraline for a rewatch. I haven't been able to catch it since its initial release back on home video, but lucky for me it was available on Amazon Prime. I feel as though this little flick doesn't need much of an introduction, but I'll try for one anyway: frustrated with her seemingly innocuous life and (mostly) emotionally distant parents, 11-year-old Coraline Jones discovers an alluring parallel world hidden behind a door in her new abode. While things initially appear to be nothing but absolute perfection, it harbors dark and sinister secrets, and the girl soon finds that her idea of heaven could be much closer to that of hell.
Coraline is based off a Neil Gaiman (American Gods, Sandman) children's story, and it's one of the few instances where I think that a theatrical adaptation is just as good as its source material. The voice cast is superb, with Dakota Fanning turning in an excellent performance as our titular protagonist, and Teri Hatcher (Desperate Housewives, Lois & Clark) showing that perhaps you should consider giving her more villainous roles were the offers presented to her. Stealing the show however is the always reliable Keith David (Spawn, The Thing, They Live, Gargoyles, etc.) as a mysterious talking cat who can seemingly travel between both worlds without any real explanation. The film also looks like a true piece of art: Studio Laika have always had a keen eye for crafting gorgeous-looking pieces of cinema while also never being afraid to elicit genuine chills. They don't treat the primary audience (children) like idiots, and Coraline isn't afraid to creep you or your kids out with gangly, freakish designs that could frighten younger viewers. One has to remember that this is technically a fantasy/horror hybrid after all.
Not much more to say about this one. If you can pull off a double feature, I'd suggest pairing this up with Laika's follow-up effort Paranorman or last year's surprisingly solid entry Monster House.
On the opposite end of the spectrum, up next was 1981's cult favorite My Bloody Valentine. I had shockingly never seen this one until recently and I can only attribute that to laziness. This tale of a crazed man in a miner's uniform offing people on and around Valentine's Day has developed quite the following ever since its release nearly four decades ago and is often hailed as one of the finest in the slasher genre. Unfortunately, I was oblivious to the fact that this flick has been the victim of severe editing by the MPAA: to put it lightly, My Bloody Valentine was torn to pieces before it opened in theaters and most services out there only offer what was clearly not meant to be this version of the final product. Sadly, I'm one of those folks who was unable to track down the "uncut" version. While I did enjoy the movie overall and feel like it is very competent for what could just be dismissed as "yet another slasher film," it did feel as though I should have been willing to spend a few extra dollars in advance and just buy it outright rather than rely upon wishful thinking. This isn't nearly as big of a fail on my part as it was when I first watched the butchered cut of Possession, but this will serve as a reminder to myself to put in a little more effort when it comes to relying on just streaming services for everything. Again, solid flick, but a proper review might not be in order until I can track down a "real" cut.
Going back to the initial theme now: Romantic horror really doesn't seem to get a lot of love these days (pun intended?), but when it is done right there is just something so special about it. 2014's Spring makes a serious argument for "best surprise" of this year's Unseen Terror marathon. The story follows a young man who named Evan, who embarks on a much needed stress relief trip to Italy after the loss of his mother and job. Soon after arriving, he becomes infatuated with a mysterious woman named Louise and they eventually end up in a relationship with one another. Evan is fairly open with the young lady about almost anything, but Louise harbors a terrible and frightening secret. At the risk of not spoiling much, I shall cease talking about the plot of Spring any further, as I feel it's best to experience this feature with as little knowledge of it as you can have. Part of what makes Spring work so well isn't just the fact that it feels like a breath of fresh air for the more "loving" side of the genre, but that it does feel so genuine. Its greatest strength lies in the chemistry between our two leads: Lou Taylor Pucci (American Horror Story: 1984) and Nadia Hilker (The Walking Dead) are both at the top of their game here, and each character feels like some variation of a person you don't just know, but may probably count amongst your closest group of friends. Hilker in particular is fascinating to watch. When you discover what makes her so "special," you're initially shocked, but she plays it with such a real sense of tragedy that you can't help but want to root for these two even more. I suppose that if I have any real complaints, it would be that there isn't much of a supporting cast to speak of, as the only other performers of note disappear before the first half of the film has finished. It also can be a little too "wordy" for some casual viewers, but when you consider that this has frequently been described as "Richard Linklater meets H.P. Lovecraft," you shouldn't be too surprised. Again, much like Coraline, there isn't a great deal more that I can say about Spring other than to seek it out via either Tubi, Amazon Prime, or Shudder if you're in the mood for a film that is just as strange as it is serene, or if you and your significant other both want something to watch that isn't already sitting on your DVD shelf.
These will be quick(er) and to the point, as both Haunt and the other picture below were both viewed as part of Shudder's "The Last Drive-In with Joe Bob Briggs," so there aren't an insane amount of details about these that can't be discussed by a much more seasoned veteran like Briggs himself. Haunt is a love letter to the "haunted house" attraction with some very well-executed kills and a pretty great final girl, but it isn't going to set the world on fire. It also contains one of the most baffling covers I've heard in a very long time played over its end credits, and it was so laughably stupid that it almost knocked my score down by a full star. Still, I have to be a little more mature about these things and can acknowledge that this is better than your average modern day slasher picture.
Outside of its title, I had absolutely NO familiarity with whatever the hell Hack-O-Lantern was. Hell, even Red Letter Media covered it in the past, and yet I couldn't remember a single thing about it. I can assure you that after sitting through this one sober however, I wish that Uber Drinks was a thing. I was hoping that Hack-O-Lantern would turn out to be something akin to watching someone kill innocent victims with pumpkins or something equally silly, but what I got with Hack-O-Lantern is a VERY dumb and VERY messy movie about Grandpa and his ol' Satanic cult and their plan to initiate the man's grandson into the group. There is a lot of random stuff thrown into this movie (including a random full-length heavy metal music video) and none of it makes any sense in the long run, but I suppose that if you're inebriated to the point where you gain the ability to forget how to spell out the word "the," its utter stupidity is fairly forgivable. This is ultimately how I feel about the final product: drink a lot and you can find Hack-O-Lantern very entertaining. If you are a stone cold sober human being though, this one can be a real chore to finish, especially if you aren't prepared for a set of performers that seemingly act worse than the dog from The Room.
Anyway, please have patience. I will be back later tomorrow for more written reviews. 2020 has been certainly been a motherfucker of a year, but I won't let it slow me down completely.
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