Okay, I'm on a very tight schedule this weekend, so this review might not be as long as I would want it to be. Then again, there's a very good chance that most of the following paragraphs would consist of various ways of saying "but why though" should I spend too much time on it. We're into the fifth decade of the Texas Chainsaw franchise, and this time around we're (again) jumping back in time to the events of the first picture (specifically the moment after it ended) and ignoring every other entry that followed. We open with a gaggle of Texas residents burning down the Sawyer family home just after they had reluctantly agreed to surrender Leatherface to the authorities. Fast forward to present day where young Heather Miller discovers that her grandmother has recently passed away, and she sets out on a trip with her friends to collect the inheritance that may or may not also include a certain chainsaw-wielding maniac.
Look, I'll be as brutally honest here as I can be: I was going into Texas Chainsaw 3D expecting bottom of the barrel material. The reviews on this have been pretty nasty over the years, and seeing as how I am not the biggest fan of the "3D" gimmick in cinema (at least for horror films), I didn't have much hope for this entry. Compared to yesterday's TCM: The Beginning it is marginally better, but that's like saying you prefer to get punched in the stomach rather than kicked in the head. For starters, if you are a stickler for continuity and timeline accuracy, this movie will drive you absolutely bonkers. There are plot holes so large you could drop a goddamn Gundam through them. I'm not trying to be meticulous or anal about this, but if we the audience are to believe that this takes place in present day, that means Leatherface is possibly in his SEVENTIES but can still run like he's training for the Olympics. It also means that Alexandra Daddario (True Detective) is significantly older-looking than she appears to be. Don't get me wrong, she's one of the better things about this mess of a movie (save for having to shout one TRULY terrible line towards the end), but it's yet another aspect that I believe they forgot about when the screenplay was being finished. Speaking of that, this could legitimately have the worst script of any entry in this series so far, which manages to somehow take a step backwards in terms of crafting likable protagonists (something that even The Beginning did better) or writing memorable dialogue. I found myself just yawning or groaning during most of the lengthier conversations between characters and the boredom feels that much worse when you realize that most of it amounts to absolutely nothing (an affair subplot for one).
If I could list off a few positives about Texas Chainsaw 3D though, they would be that there are some nice cameos from veterans of the series during the opening segment. The aforementioned Daddario is also perfectly fine but that can also be attributed to the fact that everyone else around here is pretty damn bad. The kills aren't too shabby. There's also some.....interesting choices that are made to the Leatherface character; painted here as more of a crazed antihero than a full-on villain. I'm not too sure if I liked this decision personally, but it was a risk they were willing to take knowing that it could alienate a good portion of the fanbase so...uh, good on them? Then again, this film is also co-written by Adam Marcus of Jason Goes to Hell fame, so I suppose that I can't be too surprised by the biggest twist reveal during its third act.
I'm certain this film has its fans, and I may be willing to revisit it down the line so I can view it in legitimate 3-D (my own television lacks the ability to utilize it), but boy oh boy I do not expect that to be any time this year. All I can say is thank goodness there's only one more entry left in the Texas Chainsaw Massacre franchise, because I think I've had just about enough of these films and their inability to stick to just one timeline or tone.
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