Fantastic Four (2015) Review

While working on creating a teleportation machine, young scientific prodigy Reed Richards is scouted, and eventually recruited by, the director for a research institute that specializes in bringing out the best in gifted minds. After meeting the director's children Johnny and Sue, along with another star student named Victor, the group begins working on a larger, more accurate version of Reed's invention. When the experiment is a success, they are thanked, but not given the rights to venture into  the new worlds that could be discovered along the way. Going out of their way to disobey their elders, the men of the group, along with Reed's childhood friend Ben Grimm, partake in a "test run" to an unknown planet, wherein they encounter something far more dangerous than they expected, and, upon a very explosive return, will alter them in more ways than they could have ever imagined.



Not too long ago, I wrote a review for Marvel's Ant-Man, another new entry in the realm of cinema with a rather troubled history when it came to being completed and released to the general public. When you consider the problematic production and all other things that could have sank the Peyton Reed-directed flick, I thought that the final product was rather exceptional. It balanced humor and action without falling on its own face, while standing tall as a rather solid installment in the very overcrowded realm of superhero-based motion pictures. Ant-Man was proof that you can still overcome the odds and come out on top.


Which is why it honestly does break my heart that the 2015 reboot of comic book legends Fantastic Four is as bad as it is, making for a compelling argument that perhaps the "first family" of Marvel Comics just aren't meant for success on the silver screen. At the very least, they won't find true happiness until they are put into the hands of writers and executives who understand and care about the team, or better yet, much like their wall-crawling friend, they are released back to the world of the Marvel Cinematic Universe.


If you're unfamiliar with this rather odd lot, the two elements that make this team at the end of the day are very basic: fun and chemistry. All of the team's powers make them unique as individuals, as do their attitudes and quirks. Sure, Whiplash star Miles Teller does actually manage to get Reed Richards down relatively well, as the character is a bit egotistical, bordering on being a jerk (one child in the film even flat out says "You're a dick," which may have been improvised so that Teller could remember who he was playing). Hell, even Friday Night Lights star Michael B. Jordan and Jamie Bell of Billy Elliot fame (yes, he was the title character) are halfway decent as Johnny Storm and Ben Grimm. However, if you go back to the latter element that I mentioned in my first sentence, there is not a single trace of magic to be found between any of our main stars. None. You don't get the feeling that these people could be friends outside of this wildly dangerous scenario that they happen to be a part of. True, the Fantastic Four of the comic books could also fall victim to family turmoil, but they balanced it all out by still caring for one another in the end. Oh, and if you're wondering why Kate Mara (House Of Cards) as Sue Storm has been omitted from this paragraph until now, it's because I'll be happy to write a fair critique or evaluation of the lady after she wakes up from the sleepwalking that she called a performance.


Moving on to the former element, that which we have dubbed "fun." If you read a mainstream comic book, be it related to this property or not, you are expected to have a good time. If it means reading something wonderfully weird such as Scott Pilgrim, or even something as insanely misanthropic as Crossed, you are glued to the pages that you hold in your hand. Look at recent big screen displays such as Mad Max: Fury Road or John Wick for the film equivalent of such things. When one's definition of fun in Fantastic Four is watching a video of The Thing beat up someone while working for the army, but not actually seeing him do it as it is happening, then you may to reevaluate your decisions in the screenwriting department. By the time that we get an honest-to-god real battle with supervillain Doctor Doom (which isn't until the final fifteen or twenty minutes), too much time has passed with the characters having spent most of it moping and doping around, not acting like superheroes or even giving any indication that they could ever become one. Boring, tedious, and meandering are too kind of words to use for the setup for this sequence. Oh, and if you had a disdain for Marvel's previous portrayals of the Latverian overlord, you had better hope that you're chewing gum when (or if) you see this picture. You may grind your teeth into dust out of frustration without it being on hand.


While on the way home from this screening, I kept telling myself that while Fantastic Four was certainly not very good, it wasn't awful. I did sit through the previous installment with these characters, and found it to be gutter trash. After all, most of the acting is fairly decent, as is the first ten minutes with Reed Richards and Ben Grimm's first time meeting one another as children. If you get past the fairly dated-looking computer effects, it isn't that offensive to look at either. Was the review embargo for this warranted? Did it deserve the overwhelming amount of negativity flowing towards it as if the movie itself was a magnet? It took me approximately twenty five seconds to determine the answer to these questions: OH. FUCK. YES. When even your own director (Josh Trank of the excellent Chronicle fame) comes out and says that this is not the vision he initially had, then you are in serious trouble. There are fragments of a great motion picture in here that you can feel are just dying to come out should Trank have been given better control and not been forced into rewrites and reshoots. But at the end of the day, the final product isn't exciting, isn't funny, and worst of all, just isn't wholly memorable. If you absolutely have to go to your local cineplex this weekend, I'd advise you to find a way to sneak inside and watch the trailer for 2016's Deadpool, and then leave before Fantastic Four begins. There's a good chance that you'll leave happier and more enthused about your weekend than if you ever paid to watch this one hundred minute-long fecal waterslide.



I'd also suggest bringing a flask so that you may take swigs every time that Kate Mara's hair changes from brown to blonde due to poor editing. Then again, I don't want any of you to die from alcohol poisoning.

Dragon Ball Z: Resurrection 'F' (2015) Movie Review

Many years ago, the evil space overlord Freeza paid a visit to the planet Earth in the hopes that he would find and destroy the one who defeated him previously: the "Super Saiyan" known as Son Goku. Instead, he would meet his demise at the hands of a young man known as Trunks, a half-saiyan who had come to the past to warn us of a larger, greater threat. Much time has passed, and while the tyrant suffers in the bowels of hell, a small pocket of his remaining forces and servants have gathered the dragon balls with the hope of reviving their master. Once his restoration is complete, the universe's greatest evil plots for revenge, but only after he can achieve a new level of strength in which to combat his enemies.



It just dawned on me: it's been twenty years. Mind you, not since we last dove into the fantastical and bizarre world of Dragon Ball, but it's been two decades since my first exposure to the initial thirteen episode run (originally distributed here by Canada's Ocean Productions) of said Japanese franchise. It had all the wonders of similar properties that I was fond of at the time, such as Power Rangers and X-Men, but there was something magical and uniquely amusing about creator Akira Toriyama's take on the old Chinese novel "Journey To The West." Without a care in the world, I've never looked back in anger or shame and have been proud to call myself a fan since that time in my life. My goodness, I've even contemplated getting tattoos to commemorate my fanaticism, which is an idea that outside of Godzilla, I haven't even reserved for other geeky niches of mine.


And yet, never in my wildest dreams did I think that there would be several new pieces of animation created throughout the first several years of the 21st century revolving around Son Goku and his friends. In 2008, the short film Dragon Ball: Yo! Son Goku and His Friends Return was released as a tribute to the weekly anthology "Shonen Jump," which is where the series got its initial start. It was fun and sweet, though somewhat forgettable. Five years later, we received a full-length motion picture titled Dragon Ball Z: Battle Of Gods, a charming piece of nostalgia that also served as the first piece of continuity in the realm of cinema for the series (previous entries were, to put it lightly, incredibly difficult to fit into the series' timeline and of varying quality). So what better way to follow up Dragon Ball's glorious return than with another trip down memory lane, albeit with a very familiar, sinister face?


In terms of familiar faces, most of the cast from Battle Of Gods returns, including its previous antagonists Beerus and Whis, and some newer faces such as Freeza henchman Sorbet, a blue, diminutive homage to old accomplices such as Piano (from Dragon Ball). Sadly, a small portion of the "post-Freeza" heroes are conspicuously absent from Resurrection 'F'. The lack of Trunks, Goten, and Mr. Satan might be disappointing to some, but it imbues the movie with a more distinctive feel, giving us the indication that this is a natural followup to the saga that seemed to take an eternity to wrap up when it first aired. For longtime fans such as myself, I don't see why any single person would complain about seeing Tenshinhan or Master Roshi get a little bit of time to shine and fight, especially considering how any person who was a pure-blooded human being got the shaft after the aforementioned arc had come to a conclusion (just as any woman who had served her purpose in the series became a mother and stopped participating in anything dangerous). There's also the introduction of a recent and rather funny creation of series mastermind Akira Toriyama in the form of Jaco The Galactic Patrolman, who assists in providing a great chunk of the lighthearted humor that permeates throughout its ninety three minute running time. Still, if you aren't familiar with the character's prior existence (if I'm not mistaken, this is his first animated appearance in anything outside of video games), his inclusion may seem puzzling or shoehorned in for anyone who isn't a diehard fan.


To the chagrin of some of my own friends, I've always been fairly outspoken about my dislike for the dubbed versions of Dragon Ball, as it just wasn't what I grew up with or what I was accustomed to (even the Ocean Dub seemed a little off to me after I discovered the Japanese version on the obscure Maryland television station known as The International Channel). No one should hold grudges over something so petty though, as I've grown to just accept them for what they are, and the Japanese audio is just as readily available these days for older folks like me anyway. In retrospect, it's actually a good thing that importing fansubbed VHS tapes is a thing of the past now, especially in this economy that we live in. Chris Ayres is just as good at voicing Freeza as original performer Ryusei Nakao was. He gets the character, and he understands his nuances and personality while still managing to not go too overboard unless the end is nigh or he's been angered to the brink of insanity. Kyle Hebert is a fine Son Gohan too, as are Master Roshi and (personal favorite) Pilaf's voice actors. I'm still not sold on the choices they made for Son Goku, Vegeta, or Piccolo (for western actors, Scott McNeil is my favorite for the latter), but again, power to the people that like them and also grew up with those the same way that I grew up with mine. My years of being a complete snob about Funimation's cast are dying a slow death.


Combat-wise, nothing in Dragon Ball Z: Resurrection 'F' has the same impact as some of the more memorable moments of the various series (Son Goku's first battles with Piccolo and Vegeta, the first Super Saiyan transformation for Son Goku, Vegetto v. Majin Buu), but there are a small handful of scenes that will stick with you for at least the following few days after you've left the theater. They are animated exceptionally well and thought out as if it were a real motion picture, with every combatant present in the film getting a time to shine and most of the blows being dealt fast, but not too fast. A common complaint about the franchise is also tossed aside as not every sequence is overloaded with energy blasts to the point where you can't see what is happening. Hell, when characters such as Jaco and even the Turtle Hermit leave you beaming with excitement and wanting to thrust your fist up in happiness, you know that you've done something right. Fans of the entire Dragon Ball canon (not just DBZ) will likely be able to appreciate the structure and layout of these fights more than the casual Dragon "Bro" fan.


It isn't likely to convert any new fans, but Dragon Ball Z: Resurrection 'F' is an unabashed love letter to the older and/or more established fans anyway. I mean, my Kami, we even had an on-screen introduction from the folks at Funimation, complete with behind the scenes footage and trivia with the voice actors, that played before the flick began. If that isn't genuine love for its audience, then what is? During the same week where our animated heroes will be combatting the forces of Tom Cruise and a superhero franchise going through yet another reboot, it seemingly may not stand much of a chance. Mind you, that is solely at first glance. Perhaps the main reason as to why I would recommend that you see this on a larger screen is not just because it's a good deal of fun for any fan of any age, but because there's a good possibility of this film's success ensuring that we get more of these released theatrically in the future. Though it only grossed $9.3 million in the United States, we fans are still trying to get the taste of that OTHER Dragon Ball movie out of out mouths, and I'm sure that we can show the naysayers over here that it can be done well when it's done with honest adoration and effort.



Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go download this little gem of a song and play it over and over until my ears bleed and I need Shenron to repair my hearing.

Ant-Man (2015) Movie Review

Okay, so that promise of pumping out more reviews on the regular may once again have been stifled by a lack of time and (possible) lack of passion. Still, during this down time, I did bear witness to a good abundance of pictures at the box office with opinions ranging from grandiose (Inside Out, Ex Machina, Mad Max: Fury Road) to slight disappointment (Jurassic World). Much like May's post, I return from this brief hiatus and find myself back in the world of the Marvel Cinematic Universe, tackling the origin story of one of the Avengers' original founding members and creator of the monstrously evil Ultron: Hank Pym, a.k.a. Ant-Man.




Wait, this is isn't about Pym? And that isn't what they went with in AoU? It's about the second man to don the suit, master thief Scott Lang? Oh....well okay then, I suppose I'll have to move on with this new synopsis.




Freed from prison after serving time for a heist, former systems engineer Scott Lang returns to society looking to rebound in the hopes that he may secure more time to spend with his daughter Cassie. Finding it difficult to maintain a steady job post-jail time, he accepts an offer from his friends which will involve breaking into an unmanned, yet complexly-designed safe in order to steal a large sum of cash. Surprisingly, the crook finds not money, but rather a suit and helmet. Out of curiosity, Lang takes both, but soon discovers its true purpose: using subatomic particles, nicknamed "Pym Particles," that can make its user shrink in size, but increase their strength exponentially. Not long afterwards, the original creator of said items contacts Scott with a proposition that could not just turn his life around, but also save the world from a much larger threat.




Since we've been willing to accept that in this universe, we won't exactly be getting an exact representation of every character's origin from the golden and silver ages of comic books, let's just roll with what we have here. In Ant-Man, Hank Pym, the suit's creator, is played by the significantly older Michael Douglas, who still manages to retain some of the underlying insensitivity that occasionally befell the character in darker times, but he still retains a good sense of humanity and belief in doing the right thing in the end. I wasn't sure if Michael Douglas would just be phoning it in or not, since from what I've seen, a lot of older and respected actors or actresses can occasionally treat films based on the world of graphic novels with contempt and put little effort into their performances (William Hurt's atrocious portrayal as General Thunderbolt Ross in The Incredible Hulk comes to mind). It's a good thing that I was willing to eat a giant bag of crow about this mindset, since the Falling Down and Fatal Attraction star looks like he's having a noticeably good time. As Pym's daughter Hope Van Dyne (sadly, original Wasp Janet is confirmed to be deceased fairly early on), Lost's Evangeline Lilly also seems to be enjoying herself, which is most likely because she gets to relish in playing a woman who is far from helpless and more than capable of defending herself if things get to be too rough.


Praise aside, all of this still doesn't hold a candle to Paul Rudd's Scott Lang. The moment that the news of this casting hit the internet, I was firmly convinced that he was born for this role. Not to sound arrogant, but I happily, if not rarely, proved myself right this time. Sass, charm, character depth, and growth are all prevalent in the second human being to call himself the titular protagonist, and he could be one of the more relatable heroes to emerge in this series of flicks in quite some time. True, the whole "down on your luck/second chance" thing has been done to death over the past few decades in various forms of media, but Rudd makes it work well enough that you can forget this tiresome cliche and root for the guy to make everything right with his personal life. Lang is also given a plethora of intentionally funny lines and dialogue that doesn't feel forced whatsoever (this was originally perceived as an action-comedy after all). Come to think of it, there is an abundance of amusing dialogue throughout Ant-Man from nearly every character, be they minor (American Hustle's Michael Pena nearly steals the show every time he appears), major, or even guest (which results in one of the best fight sequences throughout its two hour running time). It doesn't take the crowd or patrons out of the primary ordeals, and feels fairly organic when you consider some of the absurdity of the entire premise.


I know, I know, here comes the inevitable third paragraph where I praise the action while also nitpicking what little issues I had in the end. Honestly, when you consider the absolute creative hell that Ant-Man went through in order to finally be completed (Shaun Of The Dead's Edgar Wright was originally slated to write and direct, but departed last year due to creative differences, leaving only a writing credit to his name), there aren't a slew of them that stand out. As I'll point out below, the similarities to Iron Man are slight, including antagonist Darren Cross, who felt more like Obadiah Stane with a lack of facial hair rather than a complex and/or charismatic villain. With its inclusion in the MCU, some of the references feel slightly crowbarred in and reek of last minute script changes. It won't necessarily bother you, but one gets the feeling that this may not have been the original idea from Wright and fellow screenwriter Joe Cornish (he of the excellent Attack The Block fame). What is retained are, indeed, some grandiose scenes of conflict and turmoil that make full use of the effects and powers of Pym Particles. There is something just awe-inspiring about seeing a bug-sized man run atop the barrel of a pistol and knock a grown man unconscious. And my goodness will this also kickstart a rebirth of interest in ant farms and myrmecology that hasn't been seen in an agonizingly long period.


Is Ant-Man perfect? Well, as someone who very rarely says that a motion picture can be without any flaws (save for another recent viewing such as Pixar's Inside Out, which I may review at a future date, but you can never tell with me), I don't believe so. However, there are a minuscule amount of problems that I truly had with the finished product, and I firmly believe that it could stand on its own as a supremely entertaining experience along the lines of 2008's Iron Man rather than serve as a fun, if not deceptive transitional film. Actually, as I sit here typing at nearly two thirty in the morning, that IS what I'm going to say. So long as moviegoers set their expectations for amusing rather than dark and brooding, they are in for a pleasant evening centered around a decidedly underrated superhero who may deservedly explode in popularity if this brings in enough receipts at the box office.





And for those of you who were unimpressed by the mid-credits scene in Avengers: Age Of Ultron, be sure to stick around for a pair of great ones to make up for that disappointment. Is that a clever way to end this review? Of course not, but I needed an excuse to write this small for once in my life.

Avengers: Age Of Ultron (2015) Movie Review

After an assault on an outpost filled with Hydra operatives and agents, the Avengers unearth several surprising secrets housed by the hidden evil organization. The first is two genetically-enhanced twins, one of whom possesses enhanced speed and one who has seemingly mastered assorted forms of magic. The other is remnants and weapons of the army led by the Chitauri, an alien race that had previously attacked New York City and had it not been for the aforementioned heroes' interferences, would have set out to conquer Earth itself. Once the raid is complete and the artifacts have been taken into custody, team frontrunner Tony Stark coerces fellow teammate Bruce Banner into deciphering and cracking the foreign technology, hoping that it can potentially lead to the completion of the "Ultron" program, a project that would place protection around the globe for when they could not physically be there to combat a threat. Unknown to the team, during after-hours of their work, the conscious artificial intelligence starts to grow, and worse yet, it seems to be gaining a decidedly warped and chaotic look at mankind's role in life and what needs to be done about it.

While I decided to conjure up this review, I came to the sudden realization that I share many unexpected similarities with the world's mightiest fictional superhero team. For starters, we have both returned from a lengthy absence since last combatting the worst kinds of evil to dwell within our universe. For them, it was the wicked Asgardian Loki. For me, it was Satan's anal gland Larry the Cable Guy. After that, there's....well, unless you count Thor and I both sporting long hair, I think that it stops there actually. Huh. Anyway, let's move on to my thoughts for easily the second most anticipated movie for the entirety of 2015 (some little flick towards the end of the year inarguably has it beat). Much like my reviews of other Marvel-related properties that I've posted over the years, I will refrain from discussing and posting any spoilers because I'm that much of a good human being.

Immediately, I must commend writer and director Joss Whedon for expanding and opening the minds of a handful of the somewhat sheltered or partially built up members of the team. Throughout the last seven years of the Marvel Cinematic Universe's existence, we've become attached to most of the titular heroes by watching them grow, mature, and just generally learn to stop acting like selfish schmucks. One of the main, if not very few complaints folks had about Joss Whedon's 2012 flick was the lack of character development or relatability in newer members of the team. The amount of love that a person such as Black Widow received didn't come as that great of a surprise given the director's penchant for identifying himself as a feminist (not that there's anything wrong with that). For every shining moment that Ms. Natasha Romanoff received, however, some pivotal members such as Clint Barton, a.k.a. Hawkeye, were only a few lines away from being considered MacGuffins with a skill set. Mercifully, he didn't go so far as to be considered a "redshirt," as I'm certain that Whedon would have been mailed bowel movements by angry fans (that or copies of a turd he wrote in 1997). To make up for this, Barton is remarkably more well-rounded this time around, and he even starts to show traits and influences from the men and women he has surrounded himself with. There is also a good deal of growing among the always fascinating Tony Stark, who always seems conflicted over actions that must be taken in order to right what is wrong. The always emotionally unstable and distant Bruce Banner shines bright here as well, who still suffers from self-doubt over whether he is a deserving member of a group dedicated to "saving the world." If any individual still says that they prefer Edward Norton's Hulk over Mark Ruffalo's, then this should be the final picture to help sway them over to the current end of things. I must advise that if anyone you know says they prefer Eric Bana's Hulk to either of the two, then you may need to help them seek professional help. Finally, I feel like I have discussed Chris Evans and Chris Hemsworth enough over the past couple of years, so I don't really know what to add that I haven't said numerous times before.

Okay, it has been established that the old dogs are pretty darn great already. What about the new stars and additions to the protagonists and/or rogues gallery? Producer Kevin Feige and casting head Sarah Finn (who has been in charge of that position on nearly every MCU film to date) tend to have a good eye with picking out those who would give memorable performances, and in Age Of Ultron, they do a more-than-commendable job with knocking it out of the park. I'm fairly certain that the always smarmy and naturally cryptic-sounding James Spader was a choice that nobody thought of immediately when the time came to pick the voice actor for one of the most infamous villains in Marvel Comics history. When it WAS announced that he had been cast as the evil android and titular antagonist, a large portion of the legion of fanboys around the world breathed a sigh of relief, and they had every reason to. Since I'm running on stomach full of no caffeine and greasy fast food (such a departure for me), I may be a little too tired for my own good. With that being said, I'll make a very bold statement right here: Ultron is the second best villain in the MCU to date. While his introduction is nowhere near as grandiose as someone such as Loki, he is, ironically, a very fleshed-out character. Once cognizant, a multilayered personality begins to flourish (no doubt thanks to some of Stark's own programming and influence), something of which I've never seen too much of from his comic book counterpart. A bold, but commendable move. On the opposite end of the coin, new super-powered members of the picture's ensemble, such as Quicksilver (Aaron Taylor-Johnson from Kick-Ass), Scarlet Witch (Elizabeth Olsen from Martha Marcy May Marlene), and the Vision (Paul Bettany from Master and Commander) are great to see on the big screen, though they do leave you wondering if there is a bit more to them that will be explored in a director's cut on Blu-Ray. By the way, if you're wondering as to why I chose Olsen's poster as the primary picture for this review, I can only attribute that to me being a very simple and sadly single grown man. That and I think it looks kind of neat.

While the new cast members are a very welcome addition, some off-screen favorites are dearly missed. Don't get me wrong, Brian Tyler (Frailty, Thor: The Dark World, Bug) isn't an untalented man whatsoever, and Danny Elfman (Batman, Beetlejuice, a good handful of other motion pictures that are currently sitting on your shelf) has every right to be called a legend in the composing field. Still, the score doesn't feel quite right throughout a good chunk of the picture without the helping hand of the important Alan Silvestri, and the criminally underrated theme from the first film doesn't make a full appearance until the entire final act has wrapped up, though he is acknowledged and thanked for his contributions in the credits. There is also some minimal use of characters that I still think audiences should get to know better such as Sam Wilson and James Rhodes, but there's always time for the two in subsequent releases (and lord knows we are getting a lot of them). I do have a rather large complaint regarding a personal gripe that I have always had with Whedon as a writer, but I did promise to avoid talking about anything that would give away important details about the motion picture as a whole, so it shall have to wait for those I see and talk to in person.

If I can make a comparison between cinema and video games, Avengers: Age Of Ultron is sort of the Mortal Kombat II to The Avengers' Mortal Kombat. True, it arguably isn't as prolific, nor is it as noticeable as its predecessor in just how surprisingly good it ends up being, but that makes it the furthest thing from a bad experience. In fact, it's more colorful, equally as fun, amusing when it needs to be, and explores some new ideas that help set up crazier events that are sure to follow throughout the years to come (Avengers: Infinity War is going to be a two-part movie after all). Did I mention the action sequences too? If I did not, those are rather spectacular, highlighted by an insanely destructive duel in Johannesburg, South Africa between the Hulk and Tony Stark's humongous "Hulkbuster" armor and a rather frenetic battle between Ultron's legions and the opposing team in Seoul, South Korea. The amount of careless property damage and bodies, albeit mechanical, that are being thrown around and crushed makes Man Of Steel look like a toddler's work.

Not that you would need much persuasion if you were a fan to begin with, but a viewing on a sizable screen while surrounded by similarly-minded fun-loving geeks (coupled with an attendance of Free Comic Book Day this upcoming Saturday) is the way to go for the first real positive sign for the summer blockbuster season. While I'm still rather skeptical over the quality of larger-budget films coming out over the next few months, I can still fall back on saying that Avengers: Age Of Ultron is a really damn good time to be had by those except for the most curmudgeonly and bitter of people. But they rarely go to the cinema these days as it is, so who cares? Easy target practice aside, go check it out.

And for those of you who need further satiating in between Marvel Studios' release dates, since I had mentioned Mortal Kombat and The Avengers in the same breath, you can watch this wonderfully and hilariously made Death Battle between Thor and Raiden while you're at it. 

Jingle All The Way 2 (2014) Review

Wow. Just wow. I didn't realize that it has been a little over an entire month since I last updated this blog with a new film review. If my memory hasn't completely faded, then I recall saying that a post-Unseen Terror wrap-up was coming very soon. Searching through my drafts, I did see what was to be, but never came about. So, maybe I'll do something like that with any upcoming free time (it has been fairly hellacious at work).


*looks at the post title* Ah shit, there's a review to do right now though, isn't there?

Divorced dad Larry wants nothing but the best for his eight-year-old daughter Noel. Though he provides her with plenty of free time, fun, and social activities, he just can't compete with her rich, new stepdad Victor. Attempting to think of ways to please the young lady, he secretly peeks at her letter to Santa Claus. In it, he discovers that her utmost desire is this season's hottest toy: an electronic, voice-recording item called The Harrison Bear. When Victor also discovers this request, he sets out to beat the trailer-bound Southerner to the demanded plaything. Over the course of several nights, the two begin a race to Noel's heart, hoping that she will thank one of them for the best Christmas ever.


If it wasn't known to all of my friends who occasionally frequent this page, I reviewed one of WWE Studios' latest attempts at making themselves a more respectable commodity in the rather crowed movie industry. Around that time period, two more straight-to-video releases found their ways to the Redboxes and On-Demand channels of the world in the form of See No Evil 2 and Jingle All The Way 2. For reasons that I am honest-to-god not sure of, I've decided to sit down and watch both within this past week. A review for their horror-themed flick should be coming within the next few days, but for now, and before I head off to see Crowbar and Unearth play in Wilmington, North Carolina tonight, let's get this one out of the way.


There isn't a whole lot that I personally like about 1996's Jingle All The Way, though I can certainly understand as to why it has a fairly decent following among connoisseurs of bad cinema. Much like a good portion of sequels released far after their predecessors' times have passed, the news of a second installment being released in this new decade befuddled me. Sure, Arnold Schwarzenegger has fallen on hard times, and most of his recent projects have bombed critically and financially, but I doubted that he would sink to a level this low. That and he did have an unmistakable presence that kept you watching throughout its ninety two minutes of mediocrity.


To the surprise of abso-fucking-lutely nobody, standup comedian Larry The Cable Guy (whose protagonist is also named Larry) is not Arnold Schwarzenegger. Truth be told, he isn't even Michael Dudikoff. For most of Jingle All The Way 2's running time (it runs only one minute longer than the prior picture), he is playing an even stupider version of his on-stage persona, with traits and pratfalls borrowed from the late Jim Varney. Most of Larry's scenes consist of him getting physically abused by children, the elderly, or by some unseen deity who hates bad jokes and the overuse of the "womp womp"-style of humor. Also unlike Arnold's fourth attempt at a comedic role is his lack of a true rival. Sure, you might be looking at the cast list and see that actor Sinbad is nowhere to be found (when you can say that he of all people has more dignity than this, you know you're in trouble), but professional wrestler Santino Marella is. After all, his own personality on television is that of an exaggerated, goofy Italian stereotype, so maybe he can bring something worthwhile to this treatment of excrement. Well, you are gravely mistaken. He serves as a pseudo-sidekick, and save for a mere bit of foreshadowing in the first ten minutes, only pops in here and there to say something of absolutely no merit or importance. Worst of all is that he isn't even in character when he does enter the fray. The picture's central antagonist is Victor, played by occasional Michael Bay buddy Brian Stepanek. Until the thirty minute mark had passed, I didn't even suspect that he had any nefarious schemes or tricks whatsoever, as they spent a good portion of the first act making our "hero" out to look like an annoying redneck and making Victor look like a struggling, eager-to-please stepfather. Then again, expecting consistency in a film written by the man who brought us Without A Paddle: Nature's Calling and directed by the individual who shat out Chairman Of The Board seemed like something that was utterly, utterly hopeless.


As if this wasn't obvious, there is nothing redeeming about Jingle All The Way 2. The flick barely even appeals to followers of the "Redneck Comedy" group, as it is extremely watered down for family entertainment. It's also too painstakingly boring and derivative of better Christmas-themed films, so mom and pop might actually fall asleep if they insert it into their DVD or Blu-Ray player any time soon. Let's just forget that this even exists, alright? If you're thinking about spending any currency on it, give it to the nearest homeless person that you find. Chances are that he'll spend it on something more productive, buy a sandwich, a beer, or may even have bought the movie as a gift, only to be thrown out on the streets as a result of that decision.



On the plus side, it is infinitely better than Delta Farce.

Unseen Terror 2014: Day 31

Elizabeth Driscoll, an employee at the San Francisco health department, awakens one random day to find that her boyfriend is acting unusually cold and seemingly distant. Upon contacting Matthew Bennell, her colleague from work, they discover that even more individuals around the city have been seemingly sucked of all emotions. Though others are more believing of the fact that maybe it is just pure coincidence, the two are decidedly convinced that something is awry, and begin to investigate further. After a mutual friend comes across a blank-looking, rapidly-changing body in his bathhouse, the trio uncover the reason for these odd occurrences: alien organisms from a dying planet that are intent on replacing the entire human population.

So, we've finally come full circle. We've reached the end. With these upcoming paragraphs, I will be concluding this year's Unseen Terror, my yearly, though not only foray into horror movies that I have never seen. When I began piecing together this year's October blog-o-thon, I couldn't have imagined that I'd be opening and closing with essentially the same story, even if they are written and directed by two entirely different grown men. True, their release dates are separated by more than a few years, but Philip Kaufman's remake/re-imagining of the classic Invasion Of The Body Snatchers should not be thought of as just another hollywood revamp. In some ways, it equals or rivals the original film released twenty two years earlier, and certain aspects could arguably be superior to its previous adaptation.

For starters, the score is a lot more straight up horror-based, which I didn't think was possible given that Carmen Dragon did a phenomenal job himself before this version came out. Denny Zeitlin composes pieces that don't feel completely confined to their own decade. It doesn't sound like a soundtrack from the 1970s, but rather like something that could fit in at nearly any time or year. This is all the more surprising when you consider that it's done by a man whose primary media-related work outside of this was Sesame Street. The fear and underlying message of conformity still remains from the 1950s, as does some of the same plot elements and sequences (there's even a Kevin McCarthy cameo!), but it ultimately plays out more like a traditional suspense/horror flick than a science fiction shocker. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

The '78 version of Invasion Of The Body Snatchers is immediately more open with showing the viewer how these creatures have arrived on our planet, expanding on their reasoning and logic behind why they choose to do what they're currently doing. Never before have I been so creeped out by watching flowers bloom and plants grow. We're also given an explanation and answer for what exactly happens to the original bodies once the replicating process has wrapped up (something that the original never made completely clear to the audience), and it is fairly unsettling, if not a tad bit disgusting. I've never wanted to see a naked woman less in my entire life. Thanks folks. Another standout moment is the extraterrestrial beings emitting a very shrill, slightly animalistic cry when a human is discovered hidden in their group or walking in the streets, which bears a similarity to the cries of the Nazgul from The Lord Of The Rings trilogy.

Though I was fully and begrudgingly aware of this iteration's ending going in (do not partake in a google image search if you want to avoid spoilers), I feel that it is far more appropriately bleak than the original's, with a final act that simultaneously breaks your heart and somewhat restores hope. This prior knowledge proves to be an irrelevant factor in the overall entertainment of the motion picture, since the build up and main story is incredibly well done, with the tension becoming nail-bitingly fierce. Now that I think about it, and as blasphemous as it sounds, I may just recommend Philip Kaufman's version of Invasion Of The Body Snatchers over Don Siegel's 1956 picture of the same name. There's a great cast full of equally exceptional performances (it is so bizarre seeing Leonard Nemoy in something that isn't related to Star Trek), it tones down some of the blatantly old-school"heebie jeebies" vibe that could unfairly be classified as lame by today's youth, and is, to quote Marge Gunderson, pretty darn good.

Yeesh, did that dog with a human face look really, really stupid though. And it doesn't make the best amount of sense. Scratch that, it makes NO sense whatsoever. But shit, I watched a movie with a caterpillar-dog not that long ago, so perhaps I'll cut it some slack.

Tomorrow, I shall spend a good portion of my day NOT watching any horror films, and will be giving my senses a break. That being said, I will be happy to discuss my final thoughts on this year's iteration of this "blog-o-thon" that I thoroughly enjoy doing, and will even disclose information about pictures that didn't make the cut!

Unseen Terror 2014: Day 29 & Day 30

New home owners Jesse and Kate have arrived at the residence of his now-deceased parents, who were murdered when he was an infant. They settle in fine, and soon, their friends Charlie and Lana decide to pay a visit, primarily hoping that Kate will give the latter a chance to be signed to her record label. When digging around in the basement, the two men come across an old photograph of Jesse own great-great-grandfather, holding a crystal skull and posing in front of a Mayan temple. Curious as to the whereabouts of this artifact, they dig up the old man's casket and are attacked by his corpse, though "Gramps," as he will soon be known, settles down once he discovers Jesse's lineage. With this revival, however, comes an unearthing of strange forces who also wish to possess the skull, and the younger men will have to traverse many worlds connected to this house in order to protect it.


Despite watching and posting my thoughts on last year's House, which I came away from fairly satisfied and happy overall, I remember virtually nothing about it. I don't suspect that this was the movie's fault, but more or less my own since I'll be the first to admit that I don't have the strongest memory sometimes when it comes to movies that don't blow me away upon first time viewings. What I do recall is that it spawned three sequels in six years, and that the franchise is generally regarded as the type that gets significantly worse with the more installments that are released (here's looking at you Jaws and Hellraiser). But heck, House II: The Second Story actually has direct involvement with most of the crew who worked on the first film, including writer Ethan Wiley (who is also sitting in the director's chair for this one), initial story creator Fred Dekker (of The Monster Squad and Night Of The Creeps fame), and producer Sean S. Cunningham (Friday The 13th). How bad could it truly be?


Well, perhaps to House II's credit, it isn't as terrible as I imagined that it would be. Wiley's sequel may currently be sitting at a frighteningly bad 0% on RottenTomatoes.com, but I don't think that the rating is completely fair or justified. After all, this penned project should not be viewed as a horror-comedy, but rather as the complete opposite: a comedy with the occasional element of horror peeking in from around the corner. I didn't expect to make a comparison to infamously-ridiculous followups to beloved horror entries such as Sam Raimi's third entry in the Evil Dead trilogy, Army Of Darkness (House II coming out the same year as Evil Dead II: Dead By Dawn could not have been a coincidence), but it isn't unwarranted. There is very little that will scare audiences of any age, and save for one moment of a head being blow off by multiple shotgun shells (which is still done without a single drop of blood being spilled), I wouldn't be entirely upset if parents today showed this to their own children. The supporting characters, be they once-human or never-human, are way too delightful to be frightening. That does work against House II at times, since the comedy is occasionally pretty dreadful or just too sitcom-like for someone such as me.


On the subject of sitcoms, I'm starting to wonder if there is going to be several recurring themes in these flicks should I choose to watch numbers three and four in the near future. Once again, we have a performer from Cheers in a supporting role (George Wendt in the prior installment, John Ratzenberger this time around). The poster is a severed hand ringing a doorbell. The antagonist is an older enemy with a closer connection to the hero than we originally realized. Don't get me wrong, I see these type of things all of the time in various motion pictures (see Transformers 1-4. Actually, don't see those, stick with the Gamera movies from the 60s and 70s. Maybe), but you have to wonder if Dekker might have just been running low on time, especially since this was released only fifteen months after the first film was. The climax also feels incredibly rushed, as if the crew forgot that they were strapped for time, and thusly had to write a more serious finale that takes a radical 180 degree turn.


As long as you're willing to kick back, take off your shoes, grab a big bag of popcorn, and enter into the picture with a mentality of "just go with it," you could have a decently fun time with this inferior, though still slightly amusing sequel. There's some wacky comedy, some nice stop-motion homages to long-time greats and pioneers such as Ray Harryhausen, and a baby pterodactyl brought to life by veteran voice actor Frank Welker, who has too many notable characters on his resume that I care to name now.



And tell me that you don't want a pug-a-pillar. He's the cutest creation that I've seen since the Dorats in Godzilla vs. King Ghidorah. Just look at him. LOOK AT HIM I SAY.

A collector of rare books, Dean Corso is puzzled by a request to meet with literature connoisseur Boris Balkan. Though primarily motivated by greed, Dean is attracted by the older gentleman's task that is given to him. Within a short period of time, Balkan has attained a copy of the infamous title "The Nine Gates Of The Kingdom Of The Shadows," a book that was rumored to have been co-written by Lucifer himself, and even has a rumored incantation that will summon the dark lord to this plane. He assigns Corso with the command to track down two other prints of this work stored around other parts of the world, intending to prove that his copy is authentic. Should it not be, he must acquire the one that is. Such a desire shall not come without mystic occurrences or consequences though.


Well, hello Mr. Roman Polanski, it sure is nice to see you again after I was essentially blown away by my first time viewing of Rosemary's Baby last year. Why I haven't chosen to take a gander at another entry in your "apartment" trilogy is beyond me, but as it stands, I'll try sitting through a screening of your 1999 project, the occasionally derided, yet equally praised The Ninth Gate. Sure, you still may be a scumbag for what you did in the past that caused you to flee the United States, but I've watched films by Victor Salva and listened to records from radically insane black metal bands, so why wouldn't I give you another chance in the department of cinema, especially after I adored your most well-known piece?...Okay, I'm nowhere near clever enough for a review to be done in that smarmy style, so I'll just stick with what I know and what I do best.


But what do I know after watching The Ninth Gate? Well, it's kind of hard to say what one comes away with after watching a motion picture as odd and somewhat messy as this one. As a screenwriter and director, Roman Polanski has always been able to use the "slow burn" effect to his advantage, keeping his fans and critics intrigued while building up to what ultimately ends up being a pretty damn powerful conclusion. This flick proves to be no exception to his trademark, but even through some of its moments of creepiness, it is quite lethargic by his standards. It's actually a little misleading to call this a pure horror film too, as the journey and investigation for the books plays out more like an old-time mystery, complete with some "whodunnit" parts and enigmatic, unidentified characters popping up here and there. Wojciech Kilar's (Bram Stoker's Dracula) wonderfully eerie score helps build upon this assumption too, but hey, as long as I'm not bored, then I don't particularly care what you choose to call or classify your picture as.


In the acting department, Johnny Depp is doing what pre-Pirates Of The Caribbean Johnny Depp does. He is somewhat restrained for most of the time that he's in front of the camera, but when you consider that the character of Corso is so damn intent on just getting his job done and going home again, you can't really act surprised by this choice to play it safe. On the opposite side of things, Frank Langella (Frost/Nixon) and Lena Olin (Alias, Mystery Men) seem to be having a lot more fun trying to make their portrayals of Boris and Liana that much more interesting, especially in the case of the latter. Olin starts to dive into campy territory, but despite this and a decision to have a buffer-looking version of rapper Sisqo as her bodyguard, it's saved by her resurgence and fairly dark true intentions towards the end. And if we're talking about people reentering the movie, if you remove the main gist of the plot, the here-and-there appearances of French actress Emmanuelle Seigner (the current wife of Polanski himself) prove to be the most fascinating thing about the entire ordeal. Simply referred to as "The Girl," she's fairly captivating to look at, and even by the end, I wasn't quite certain as to who, what, or why she was involved with Depp's protagonist. In terms of further compliments, there's also one potential misogynistic spoiler far down below as well. I'd list it in this paragraph, but I'm too much of a gentleman to do so.


When I was writing my notes down for this review, I was initially confused as to why so many critics at the time compared it to Rosemary's Baby and his earlier works. Outside of the involvement with Satan and some general occult shenanigans, I saw very little that it shared with its "predecessor." If anything, it plays out not unlike an episode of Master of Horror that genre legend John Carpenter would direct eight years later, the disturbing "Cigarette Burns." Then, the conclusion came. This was the absolute defining moment for The Ninth Gate, since it barely makes a lick of sense, and seeps into the disappointing, truly scary realms of the bizarre and the somewhat clunky. I had to look up several interpretations of the ending and still couldn't quite piece it together. And yet, this one is still worth a watch, though I don't imagine that most frequently-impatient viewers will be able to stomach a large portion of it. Most hardcore Johnny Depp fans will probably get a kick out of seeing him in his first horror-based role since A Nightmare On Elm Street, and it's enough to make up for some of the dreck he's been attached to recently.




There is no bit of silliness to add this time. Because tomorrow, we're going to be done with this shebang. And tomorrow's final entry will come full circle…




















Oh boy, did Emmanuelle Seigner look good naked. And I do mean REALLY GOOD.