I'm choosing to fill a small part of the gray area in my life with random reviews from the realms of cinema, music, and more things that are generally looked down upon by society. And you've chosen to read them apparently.
Young scientists begin work on a...serum...that turns one of them...-
Screw it, I can not convince myself to even attempt to make a description of this film's plot synopsis. Then again, one could even argue with categorizing The Amazing Bulk as not a full-fledged motion picture, but rather a college student's poor attempt at making a superhero parody that began out of a brainstorm fueled by excessive amounts of glue huffing and Angel Dust usage. It's a thirty minute idea that is somehow stretched into an excruciating seventy-five minute long movie, and ultimately feels like it could still have fifteen minutes eliminated from the final cut (with most of that coming from stock footage of missile launches and scenes from orbit that are set to classical music). There was no brand of drug out there, be it legal or illegal, to make this experience anything but, well, fucking bizarre.
Okay okay, if you were to request that I give a sincere explanation as to what in the unholy hell this flick's story even is, I would tell you that at its core, it's the "mockbuster" equivalent of Louis Leterrier's 2008 reboot of The Incredible Hulk, only without the everything. The revelation that most of this picture's budget was spent on designing the cover art posted above would not shock me in the slightest. If your desire was to see a behemoth of an antihero that looked like recently-deceased MMA standout Emmanuel Yarbrough had sexual intercourse with a melted version of the Grimace who spends more time running like a character from an early 1990s Macintosh game than he does fighting, then allow me to disgrace this blog of mine with one capture of the titular character.
Did I scare you away yet? No? Good. Because should you search on noted movie database IMDB (where this pile is currently sitting at an alarmingly low 1.9), one fellow reviewer points out that this was primarily filmed on an iPhone 4. More often than not, absurd statistics such as this would warrant some further research so that I can prove their validity, but in this case, I'm just going to go along with what this person says and agree that it was very likely true. One hundred percent of Bulk is shot on a green screen, with none (I repeat, NONE) of the backgrounds being authentic and making the "Money For Nothing" video look modern. Christ, they even have CGI dogs and Monkeys running around! If this was an attempt at paying homage to noted screen gems such as Who Framed Roger Rabbit or Cool World, then they succeeded with no colors. By the way, before anyone jumps on me with the usual "oh, but they weren't lucky enough to have a huge budget," I would just like to point out that even turds like Manos: The Hands of Fate had the decency to grab real animals for their set, and all they had to promise the owners or tamers was a bowl of food for the creatures to enjoy.
Oh that's right, I haven't even begun to discuss what is usually the subject of fecal waterslides such as these: the acting! Well, given that the dialogue is written by two gentlemen whose credits include promising efforts like Vampire Boys, Gothic Vampires From Hell, and Queen Cobra, it's a given that it would be downright embarrassing. What you'll ultimately take away from every single character (other than they're self-aware that they are in a flick made for approximately the same amount that it would cost to purchase an HD TV) is that they are doing their best to turn up the volume of their roles' stereotypes to a clear eleven. The man portraying our Bruce Banner is just as bland as Eric Bana was in the 2003 Hulk, and even Bulk's antagonist, who may or may not be Adolf Hitler, is as over-the-top as one with working eyesight could ever imagine. Every performer also seems to be walking or running as if they were on a treadmill or partaking in those old green screen skits that you would see on Late Night With Conan O'Brien.
Should an afterlife truly exist, I am thoroughly convinced that there is a special place reserved for films of this ilk in the deepest, most pain-inducing bowels of hell. Do not be fooled by its promise of comparisons to that masterpiece of trash known as Tommy Wiseau's The Room. Yes, its unbelievable badness does almost warrant a one-time viewing, but pictures such as the latter, along with numerous cream of the crap winners in Grade-Z cinema like Pocket Ninjas and Shark Attack 3 will sooner find themselves sitting in heaven than this ever would. This 2010 work, which took an additional two years to see distribution for anyone that enjoys torturing their children, is available for streaming on Amazon Prime and sitting at the bottom of that dumpster a few blocks away from your apartment or house.
Enter at your own risk, and know that you will be in my thoughts should you decide to take the plunge.
Eighteen months have passed since a large battle occurred in Metropolis that resulted in not just the death of Kryptonian overlord General Zod, but massive amounts of property damage and the loss of many innocent lives. At the center of this conflict emerged Superman, a being seemingly sent from the stars who has been equally praised and vilified for his actions during and after the incident. One such critic is billionaire playboy Bruce Wayne, who has been acting in secret for decades as the Batman, a protector of neighboring city Gotham. On the flip side, Daily Planet contributor Clark Kent, the human disguise of Superman himself, believes that this masked vigilante is more dangerous than most believe. When Lex Luthor, the eccentric head of a well-known organization bearing his name receives a mysterious green rock found in the Indian Ocean that causes noticeable damage to those comprised of Kryptonian DNA, he believes that the populace can finally be rid of this flying foreigner that has been dubbed a "god" by those the world over. Unknown to him, Luthor's own research is also being sought out by not just the owner of Wayne Enterprises, but by a mysterious woman whose emergence during this inevitable clash has every party involved intrigued.
The fact that it has taken nearly eighty years for the general public to see two of the most iconic characters in pop...actually, scratch that, GLOBAL culture meet in the realm of cinema is astonishing. Coming off the heels of the rather divisive Man Of Steel (of which you can read my review for here), Warner Brothers and DC Comics have announced that a new world will come to fruition and be shaped around the aforementioned motion picture. Ripe with recognizable heroes and villains alike, it is their answer to what Marvel Studios began with back in 2008, and they hope to reignite the flames of those who had never thought they would see these individuals appear on the silver screen again. And when you make the bold choice of pitting Bruce Wayne and Clark Kent against one another as your second entry in this proposed universe, while also throwing in a small part for a certain Amazonian fighter, you are certainly aiming to kick things off with a bang. It has fans across the globe excited, though admittedly very nervous for the future.
What follows, however, has suddenly warped what intrigue I had into near apathy that borders on utter disdain.
Before getting into the real gist of things, I'm well aware that there are a good chunk of folks who do frequent or read reviews from this blog who could not care less about this sort of niche, but it could be hard to argue about why Marvel Studios has done this "shared universe" idea far better than their competitors at DC has. You planted the seedsearly on, starting off with a runaway success (Iron Man) and ending with a love letter to the golden era of cinema that nobody expected to be as good as it was (Captain America: The First Avenger), all the while watching each flower grow into a beautiful bouquet that you could offer to the general public as a thank you for staying around as long as you had (The Avengers). True, releasing two new films a year and having several television shows from now on is bordering on overkill, but even those will lead into something more grand down the line. Here, director Zack Snyder, along with writers David S. Goyer, and Chris Terrio, make the risky decision to throw all of their own seeds into a pot at once, pour several gallons worth of water on top, and shout "GROW DAMN YOU GROW!" as loudly as they possibly can.
Once casting for Batman V. Superman: Dawn Of Justice began to make the rounds, I couldn't argue with or blame those who were disgruntled over some of the choices. To the shock of nobody in particular, nearly all of Man Of Steel's cast returns (including Michael Shannon) in some way shape or form. Henry Cavill does a fair job as Kal-El again, though I do suspect that he will need to be told to act a bit livelier in future entries. Others are relegated to nothing more than the smallest of bit parts, and those who you may have complained about being underdeveloped in that project...well, stay underdeveloped. I love Amy Adams and Laurence Fishburne, but their inclusion in the story this time feels like an excuse for several deus ex machinas, with the former delivering some very uncharacteristic wooden lines. Thankfully, some of the new cast turns in some fairly good performances. Ben Affleck proves most of his naysayers wrong and makes for a fine Batman/Bruce Wayne, while Jeremy Irons does his best to brighten the mood with a sarcastic, borderline charming Alfred Pennyworth. Heck, even Gal Gadot, for the very short amount of time that she has during the near three hour running time, is quite exceptional as Diana Prince. One newer addition that falls flat on its face is Jesse Eisenberg (The Social Network, Zombieland) as legendary antagonist Lex Luthor, who seems to have been written to act more akin to the clownish smartasses of villains such as Spider-Man's Mysterio or Batman's Edward Nigma, failing to come across as truly evil or intelligent, and more or less resembling an irritating henchman with delusions of grandeur rather than a power-hungry madman with a plethora of knowledge and wealth to his name. I don't believe that this was the fault of the actor himself, but rather the mostly atrocious dialogue that was given to him. At least Kevin Spacey's portrayal of Lex Luthor in Superman Returns felt like you were watching a proper version of the head of Lexcorp.
What ultimately kills BvS is the fact that it misses one very important core component: for a movie that costs two hundred and fifty million dollars to make, it is decidedly, shockingly not fun to watch. Whether it's due to the absurd amount of flashbacks or dream sequences, or just the poorly edited and shoddily-filmed skirmishes, the whole experience ends with you feeling rather numb. Mind you, I can relish in films that are bleak, dreary, and even flat-out depressing. Hell, I'll be the first to recommend cinematic punches to the gut such as Requiem For A Dream, Man Bites Dog, Bedeviled, and Lucky McKee's The Woman any day of the week. And don't get me wrong, graphic novel adaptations such as Road To Perdition, A History Of Violence, and Snyder's own Watchmen are, for the most part, devoid of any semblance of joy, but the three adjectives typed out in the third sentence of this paragraph should rarely, if ever, be used to describe a movie based on a series of comic books that have historically been primarily aimed at people of all ages. Merriam-Webster defines the word comic as something "causing laughter or amusement" which to an extent, can be translated into feeling exhilarated. While there is some joy to be had near the end of BvS (mostly because you realize that this nearly three hour experience will be over soon...until the homage to Return Of the King's barrage of endings kicks in that is), and seeing the Caped Crusader, The Man Of Steel, and motherfucking Wonder Woman team up in order to take down a larger threat does bring a brief smile to your face, it just doesn't excuse the rest of the picture for being so utterly banal and humorless. When you find that watching super-powered and masked beings beat the unholy hell out of each other boring, perhaps you need to remember to insert some heart and soul into your sequels next time around. Thankfully, I am still on board with seeing a standalone Wonder Woman flick, though I pray that none of the producers or writers involved with this trainwreck are attached to it.
I groaned and sighed far too much for me to properly recommend Batman V. Superman: Dawn Of Justice to a casual moviegoer, but just because I didn't have a very good time doesn't mean that some of you diehards won't. Most of what sinks Snyder's second entry into this franchise isn't even the changes in characteristics or morals of the titular protagonists (though there is one that I suspect will anger even those who come out praising it), but just a bloated script, mediocre directing, and erratic acting that was far too reminiscent of the dark period of flicks based on comic books. Perhaps there is an inherent problem with your finished product when it makes an unabashed geek such as myself say "You know, maybe I should have purchased a ticket for My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2 instead." I believe that your enjoyment of Man Of Steel will fully determine how you feel about this highly anticipated blockbuster as its positives and negatives carried over in spades. If you are reluctant to partake in a visit to your local cineplex, but still want to see a romping encounter between these two icons, I suggest that you track down a number of the DC Animated Movies that have been released throughout the years (or better yet, track down the multipart epic known as "World's Finest" from Superman: The Animated Series). There's a large chance that it will cost you less money, and it's far more cohesive than something like this.
Or better yet, just go watch Deadpool or 10 Cloverfield Lane instead.
After an assault on an outpost filled with Hydra operatives and agents, the Avengers unearth several surprising secrets housed by the hidden evil organization. The first is two genetically-enhanced twins, one of whom possesses enhanced speed and one who has seemingly mastered assorted forms of magic. The other is remnants and weapons of the army led by the Chitauri, an alien race that had previously attacked New York City and had it not been for the aforementioned heroes' interferences, would have set out to conquer Earth itself. Once the raid is complete and the artifacts have been taken into custody, team frontrunner Tony Stark coerces fellow teammate Bruce Banner into deciphering and cracking the foreign technology, hoping that it can potentially lead to the completion of the "Ultron" program, a project that would place protection around the globe for when they could not physically be there to combat a threat. Unknown to the team, during after-hours of their work, the conscious artificial intelligence starts to grow, and worse yet, it seems to be gaining a decidedly warped and chaotic look at mankind's role in life and what needs to be done about it.
While I decided to conjure up this review, I came to the sudden realization that I share many unexpected similarities with the world's mightiest fictional superhero team. For starters, we have both returned from a lengthy absence since last combatting the worst kinds of evil to dwell within our universe. For them, it was the wicked Asgardian Loki. For me, it was Satan's anal gland Larry the Cable Guy. After that, there's....well, unless you count Thor and I both sporting long hair, I think that it stops there actually. Huh. Anyway, let's move on to my thoughts for easily the second most anticipated movie for the entirety of 2015 (some little flick towards the end of the year inarguably has it beat). Much like my reviews of other Marvel-related properties that I've posted over the years, I will refrain from discussing and posting any spoilers because I'm that much of a good human being.
Immediately, I must commend writer and director Joss Whedon for expanding and opening the minds of a handful of the somewhat sheltered or partially built up members of the team. Throughout the last seven years of the Marvel Cinematic Universe's existence, we've become attached to most of the titular heroes by watching them grow, mature, and just generally learn to stop acting like selfish schmucks. One of the main, if not very few complaints folks had about Joss Whedon's 2012 flick was the lack of character development or relatability in newer members of the team. The amount of love that a person such as Black Widow received didn't come as that great of a surprise given the director's penchant for identifying himself as a feminist (not that there's anything wrong with that). For every shining moment that Ms. Natasha Romanoff received, however, some pivotal members such as Clint Barton, a.k.a. Hawkeye, were only a few lines away from being considered MacGuffins with a skill set. Mercifully, he didn't go so far as to be considered a "redshirt," as I'm certain that Whedon would have been mailed bowel movements by angry fans (that or copies of a turd he wrote in 1997). To make up for this, Barton is remarkably more well-rounded this time around, and he even starts to show traits and influences from the men and women he has surrounded himself with. There is also a good deal of growing among the always fascinating Tony Stark, who always seems conflicted over actions that must be taken in order to right what is wrong. The always emotionally unstable and distant Bruce Banner shines bright here as well, who still suffers from self-doubt over whether he is a deserving member of a group dedicated to "saving the world." If any individual still says that they prefer Edward Norton's Hulk over Mark Ruffalo's, then this should be the final picture to help sway them over to the current end of things. I must advise that if anyone you know says they prefer Eric Bana's Hulk to either of the two, then you may need to help them seek professional help. Finally, I feel like I have discussed Chris Evans and Chris Hemsworth enough over the past couple of years, so I don't really know what to add that I haven't said numerous times before.
Okay, it has been established that the old dogs are pretty darn great already. What about the new stars and additions to the protagonists and/or rogues gallery? Producer Kevin Feige and casting head Sarah Finn (who has been in charge of that position on nearly every MCU film to date) tend to have a good eye with picking out those who would give memorable performances, and in Age Of Ultron, they do a more-than-commendable job with knocking it out of the park. I'm fairly certain that the always smarmy and naturally cryptic-sounding James Spader was a choice that nobody thought of immediately when the time came to pick the voice actor for one of the most infamous villains in Marvel Comics history. When it WAS announced that he had been cast as the evil android and titular antagonist, a large portion of the legion of fanboys around the world breathed a sigh of relief, and they had every reason to. Since I'm running on stomach full of no caffeine and greasy fast food (such a departure for me), I may be a little too tired for my own good. With that being said, I'll make a very bold statement right here: Ultron is the second best villain in the MCU to date. While his introduction is nowhere near as grandiose as someone such as Loki, he is, ironically, a very fleshed-out character. Once cognizant, a multilayered personality begins to flourish (no doubt thanks to some of Stark's own programming and influence), something of which I've never seen too much of from his comic book counterpart. A bold, but commendable move. On the opposite end of the coin, new super-powered members of the picture's ensemble, such as Quicksilver (Aaron Taylor-Johnson from Kick-Ass), Scarlet Witch (Elizabeth Olsen from Martha Marcy May Marlene), and the Vision (Paul Bettany from Master and Commander) are great to see on the big screen, though they do leave you wondering if there is a bit more to them that will be explored in a director's cut on Blu-Ray. By the way, if you're wondering as to why I chose Olsen's poster as the primary picture for this review, I can only attribute that to me being a very simple and sadly single grown man. That and I think it looks kind of neat.
While the new cast members are a very welcome addition, some off-screen favorites are dearly missed. Don't get me wrong, Brian Tyler (Frailty, Thor: The Dark World, Bug) isn't an untalented man whatsoever, and Danny Elfman (Batman, Beetlejuice, a good handful of other motion pictures that are currently sitting on your shelf) has every right to be called a legend in the composing field. Still, the score doesn't feel quite right throughout a good chunk of the picture without the helping hand of the important Alan Silvestri, and the criminally underrated theme from the first film doesn't make a full appearance until the entire final act has wrapped up, though he is acknowledged and thanked for his contributions in the credits. There is also some minimal use of characters that I still think audiences should get to know better such as Sam Wilson and James Rhodes, but there's always time for the two in subsequent releases (and lord knows we are getting a lot of them). I do have a rather large complaint regarding a personal gripe that I have always had with Whedon as a writer, but I did promise to avoid talking about anything that would give away important details about the motion picture as a whole, so it shall have to wait for those I see and talk to in person.
If I can make a comparison between cinema and video games, Avengers: Age Of Ultron is sort of the Mortal Kombat II to The Avengers' Mortal Kombat. True, it arguably isn't as prolific, nor is it as noticeable as its predecessor in just how surprisingly good it ends up being, but that makes it the furthest thing from a bad experience. In fact, it's more colorful, equally as fun, amusing when it needs to be, and explores some new ideas that help set up crazier events that are sure to follow throughout the years to come (Avengers: Infinity War is going to be a two-part movie after all). Did I mention the action sequences too? If I did not, those are rather spectacular, highlighted by an insanely destructive duel in Johannesburg, South Africa between the Hulk and Tony Stark's humongous "Hulkbuster" armor and a rather frenetic battle between Ultron's legions and the opposing team in Seoul, South Korea. The amount of careless property damage and bodies, albeit mechanical, that are being thrown around and crushed makes Man Of Steel look like a toddler's work.
Not that you would need much persuasion if you were a fan to begin with, but a viewing on a sizable screen while surrounded by similarly-minded fun-loving geeks (coupled with an attendance of Free Comic Book Day this upcoming Saturday) is the way to go for the first real positive sign for the summer blockbuster season. While I'm still rather skeptical over the quality of larger-budget films coming out over the next few months, I can still fall back on saying that Avengers: Age Of Ultron is a really damn good time to be had by those except for the most curmudgeonly and bitter of people. But they rarely go to the cinema these days as it is, so who cares? Easy target practice aside, go check it out.
And for those of you who need further satiating in between Marvel Studios' release dates, since I had mentioned Mortal Kombat and The Avengers in the same breath, you can watch this wonderfully and hilariously made Death Battle between Thor and Raiden while you're at it.
