Unseen Terror 2018: Day 4

A space shuttle called "Nautilus" is heading back to earth, but unexpectedly, it passes through a cloud of alien spores. The lone occupant, a simple man named Steve, is mutated by this exposure and turns into a giant, bloodthirsty creature. Nautilus crashes into a Florida swamp, and it doesn't take long for this new beast to begin wreaking havoc on the populace. It feeds on people as if they were snacks, spreads new, infectious spores of its own, and eventually catches the attention of a small band of town folk. Will they be able to band together and bring down this behemoth, or has its evil spread too far too quickly ?

I mean, how else am I going to start a review of any picture with the likes of Fred Olen Ray AND Jim Wyorski attached to it? For those unfamiliar with that gruesome twosome: if you're of my age, and have ever looked at most crappy straight-to-video "B" movies or late night Skinamax parodies from the early 1990s up until about the mid-2000s, there's a strong chance that they're involved somehow (though at least Wynorski has Chopping Mall to his name). It's arguable about whether they're the proper successors to guys like Ed Wood or not because unlike that infamous director, it wouldn't surprise me if they were conscious about their projects being quite lousy. As someone who was not fully aware of their involvement with Dark Universe, a blind buy from this past weekend's Monster Mania Convention in Hunt Valley, Maryland, I feel that properly reviewing something of this quality is like attempting to discuss flicks like Pocket Ninjas and Samurai Cop to the general public: it's beyond fucking hard.


First off, props to the VHSPS people for providing a very authentic replication of this movie's initial release. There's coming attractions for other obscure flicks that start right after I pressed "play" on this bootleg's main menu (one of which included Joe Piscopo, of whom I still harbor a grudge against because of Dead Heat). It's still absolutely a rip from a video tape, but there's TLC put into this. It sports a nice cover and wraparound that makes you truly feel like you've been teleported back to the glorious days of when video store chains could be found within reasonable driving distance. And with that, the authentic praise officially ends. Because oh boy, we've got a rough one here folks.


Dark Universe was reportedly shot for $40,000 over the span of ten days, and that sounds fairly accurate. The cast consists of Joe Estevez, who is his family's equivalent of a Zero Bar, and nobody else worth a damn. The former must have been rented out for a singular day, as he only appears in the opening scene and several television interviews that are scattered throughout its running time. Maybe they forgot that they had him at their disposal? As for the rest of them.....well, I'd say that they're not exactly capable of hanging with the best of the best, but when you consider what they have to work with, it's unfair to get mad at them. Perhaps the only standout comes from the resident "science guy" in the group, but it's hard to take him seriously when he's dressed like a dollar store Boy Scout troupe leader. Also, there's a ton of unnecessary breast exposure, but that's Jim "Bare Wench Project" Wynorski for ya.


Obviously, the technical aspects of Dark Universe are about what you'd expect from Ray and Wynorski (aka they're quite terrible). I'm guessing that part of the budget must have gone into making the monster, which was emitting some seriously bad VR Troopers vibes. It sports the ability to suck people dry ala the villain Cell from the Dragon Ball franchise, and uses a darting tongue not unlike that of a Xenomorph. When parts of it break off, they change into spores (which for all intents and purposes look like giant boogers) and can possess human hosts. Because of course it can. There's also a moment around the fifty-one minute mark where I audibly yelled "HOLY SHIT, A RABID ARMADILLO ON A STICK." I should have properly prepared myself for something like this, and I curse the fact that I couldn't drink while watching it. Bit of advice kids: don't work in retail. It'll kill any regular routine that you may wish to have.


Dark Universe is what would happen if you threw Predator, Alien, and The Fly into a blender, then threw that device into a dumpster fire. Hell when writing this review, I had to make sure that this wasn't already on Redlettermedia's "Best of the Worst" video series. In no world will this ever be called even a halfway decent picture, but it IS perfect "get drunk with your friends and laugh at it" material. Maybe I should have saved this one for the weekend. As of this time, there is no respectable way to purchase this turd (there's a DVD on Amazon that has Ray's face plastered on the bottom left of the cover), but if you're interested in seeking it out in any way, shape, or form, perhaps a visit to your local horror convention is the best method of obtaining it.



Also, why is it called Dark Universe when the film takes place in fucking Florida of all places?



Ugh, this film man. This film.



Tomorrow, we're gonna get back to viewing more "credible" material and welcome our old friend Clive Barker back to the blog!

Ant-Man (2015) Movie Review

Okay, so that promise of pumping out more reviews on the regular may once again have been stifled by a lack of time and (possible) lack of passion. Still, during this down time, I did bear witness to a good abundance of pictures at the box office with opinions ranging from grandiose (Inside Out, Ex Machina, Mad Max: Fury Road) to slight disappointment (Jurassic World). Much like May's post, I return from this brief hiatus and find myself back in the world of the Marvel Cinematic Universe, tackling the origin story of one of the Avengers' original founding members and creator of the monstrously evil Ultron: Hank Pym, a.k.a. Ant-Man.




Wait, this is isn't about Pym? And that isn't what they went with in AoU? It's about the second man to don the suit, master thief Scott Lang? Oh....well okay then, I suppose I'll have to move on with this new synopsis.




Freed from prison after serving time for a heist, former systems engineer Scott Lang returns to society looking to rebound in the hopes that he may secure more time to spend with his daughter Cassie. Finding it difficult to maintain a steady job post-jail time, he accepts an offer from his friends which will involve breaking into an unmanned, yet complexly-designed safe in order to steal a large sum of cash. Surprisingly, the crook finds not money, but rather a suit and helmet. Out of curiosity, Lang takes both, but soon discovers its true purpose: using subatomic particles, nicknamed "Pym Particles," that can make its user shrink in size, but increase their strength exponentially. Not long afterwards, the original creator of said items contacts Scott with a proposition that could not just turn his life around, but also save the world from a much larger threat.




Since we've been willing to accept that in this universe, we won't exactly be getting an exact representation of every character's origin from the golden and silver ages of comic books, let's just roll with what we have here. In Ant-Man, Hank Pym, the suit's creator, is played by the significantly older Michael Douglas, who still manages to retain some of the underlying insensitivity that occasionally befell the character in darker times, but he still retains a good sense of humanity and belief in doing the right thing in the end. I wasn't sure if Michael Douglas would just be phoning it in or not, since from what I've seen, a lot of older and respected actors or actresses can occasionally treat films based on the world of graphic novels with contempt and put little effort into their performances (William Hurt's atrocious portrayal as General Thunderbolt Ross in The Incredible Hulk comes to mind). It's a good thing that I was willing to eat a giant bag of crow about this mindset, since the Falling Down and Fatal Attraction star looks like he's having a noticeably good time. As Pym's daughter Hope Van Dyne (sadly, original Wasp Janet is confirmed to be deceased fairly early on), Lost's Evangeline Lilly also seems to be enjoying herself, which is most likely because she gets to relish in playing a woman who is far from helpless and more than capable of defending herself if things get to be too rough.


Praise aside, all of this still doesn't hold a candle to Paul Rudd's Scott Lang. The moment that the news of this casting hit the internet, I was firmly convinced that he was born for this role. Not to sound arrogant, but I happily, if not rarely, proved myself right this time. Sass, charm, character depth, and growth are all prevalent in the second human being to call himself the titular protagonist, and he could be one of the more relatable heroes to emerge in this series of flicks in quite some time. True, the whole "down on your luck/second chance" thing has been done to death over the past few decades in various forms of media, but Rudd makes it work well enough that you can forget this tiresome cliche and root for the guy to make everything right with his personal life. Lang is also given a plethora of intentionally funny lines and dialogue that doesn't feel forced whatsoever (this was originally perceived as an action-comedy after all). Come to think of it, there is an abundance of amusing dialogue throughout Ant-Man from nearly every character, be they minor (American Hustle's Michael Pena nearly steals the show every time he appears), major, or even guest (which results in one of the best fight sequences throughout its two hour running time). It doesn't take the crowd or patrons out of the primary ordeals, and feels fairly organic when you consider some of the absurdity of the entire premise.


I know, I know, here comes the inevitable third paragraph where I praise the action while also nitpicking what little issues I had in the end. Honestly, when you consider the absolute creative hell that Ant-Man went through in order to finally be completed (Shaun Of The Dead's Edgar Wright was originally slated to write and direct, but departed last year due to creative differences, leaving only a writing credit to his name), there aren't a slew of them that stand out. As I'll point out below, the similarities to Iron Man are slight, including antagonist Darren Cross, who felt more like Obadiah Stane with a lack of facial hair rather than a complex and/or charismatic villain. With its inclusion in the MCU, some of the references feel slightly crowbarred in and reek of last minute script changes. It won't necessarily bother you, but one gets the feeling that this may not have been the original idea from Wright and fellow screenwriter Joe Cornish (he of the excellent Attack The Block fame). What is retained are, indeed, some grandiose scenes of conflict and turmoil that make full use of the effects and powers of Pym Particles. There is something just awe-inspiring about seeing a bug-sized man run atop the barrel of a pistol and knock a grown man unconscious. And my goodness will this also kickstart a rebirth of interest in ant farms and myrmecology that hasn't been seen in an agonizingly long period.


Is Ant-Man perfect? Well, as someone who very rarely says that a motion picture can be without any flaws (save for another recent viewing such as Pixar's Inside Out, which I may review at a future date, but you can never tell with me), I don't believe so. However, there are a minuscule amount of problems that I truly had with the finished product, and I firmly believe that it could stand on its own as a supremely entertaining experience along the lines of 2008's Iron Man rather than serve as a fun, if not deceptive transitional film. Actually, as I sit here typing at nearly two thirty in the morning, that IS what I'm going to say. So long as moviegoers set their expectations for amusing rather than dark and brooding, they are in for a pleasant evening centered around a decidedly underrated superhero who may deservedly explode in popularity if this brings in enough receipts at the box office.





And for those of you who were unimpressed by the mid-credits scene in Avengers: Age Of Ultron, be sure to stick around for a pair of great ones to make up for that disappointment. Is that a clever way to end this review? Of course not, but I needed an excuse to write this small for once in my life.

Avengers: Age Of Ultron (2015) Movie Review

After an assault on an outpost filled with Hydra operatives and agents, the Avengers unearth several surprising secrets housed by the hidden evil organization. The first is two genetically-enhanced twins, one of whom possesses enhanced speed and one who has seemingly mastered assorted forms of magic. The other is remnants and weapons of the army led by the Chitauri, an alien race that had previously attacked New York City and had it not been for the aforementioned heroes' interferences, would have set out to conquer Earth itself. Once the raid is complete and the artifacts have been taken into custody, team frontrunner Tony Stark coerces fellow teammate Bruce Banner into deciphering and cracking the foreign technology, hoping that it can potentially lead to the completion of the "Ultron" program, a project that would place protection around the globe for when they could not physically be there to combat a threat. Unknown to the team, during after-hours of their work, the conscious artificial intelligence starts to grow, and worse yet, it seems to be gaining a decidedly warped and chaotic look at mankind's role in life and what needs to be done about it.

While I decided to conjure up this review, I came to the sudden realization that I share many unexpected similarities with the world's mightiest fictional superhero team. For starters, we have both returned from a lengthy absence since last combatting the worst kinds of evil to dwell within our universe. For them, it was the wicked Asgardian Loki. For me, it was Satan's anal gland Larry the Cable Guy. After that, there's....well, unless you count Thor and I both sporting long hair, I think that it stops there actually. Huh. Anyway, let's move on to my thoughts for easily the second most anticipated movie for the entirety of 2015 (some little flick towards the end of the year inarguably has it beat). Much like my reviews of other Marvel-related properties that I've posted over the years, I will refrain from discussing and posting any spoilers because I'm that much of a good human being.

Immediately, I must commend writer and director Joss Whedon for expanding and opening the minds of a handful of the somewhat sheltered or partially built up members of the team. Throughout the last seven years of the Marvel Cinematic Universe's existence, we've become attached to most of the titular heroes by watching them grow, mature, and just generally learn to stop acting like selfish schmucks. One of the main, if not very few complaints folks had about Joss Whedon's 2012 flick was the lack of character development or relatability in newer members of the team. The amount of love that a person such as Black Widow received didn't come as that great of a surprise given the director's penchant for identifying himself as a feminist (not that there's anything wrong with that). For every shining moment that Ms. Natasha Romanoff received, however, some pivotal members such as Clint Barton, a.k.a. Hawkeye, were only a few lines away from being considered MacGuffins with a skill set. Mercifully, he didn't go so far as to be considered a "redshirt," as I'm certain that Whedon would have been mailed bowel movements by angry fans (that or copies of a turd he wrote in 1997). To make up for this, Barton is remarkably more well-rounded this time around, and he even starts to show traits and influences from the men and women he has surrounded himself with. There is also a good deal of growing among the always fascinating Tony Stark, who always seems conflicted over actions that must be taken in order to right what is wrong. The always emotionally unstable and distant Bruce Banner shines bright here as well, who still suffers from self-doubt over whether he is a deserving member of a group dedicated to "saving the world." If any individual still says that they prefer Edward Norton's Hulk over Mark Ruffalo's, then this should be the final picture to help sway them over to the current end of things. I must advise that if anyone you know says they prefer Eric Bana's Hulk to either of the two, then you may need to help them seek professional help. Finally, I feel like I have discussed Chris Evans and Chris Hemsworth enough over the past couple of years, so I don't really know what to add that I haven't said numerous times before.

Okay, it has been established that the old dogs are pretty darn great already. What about the new stars and additions to the protagonists and/or rogues gallery? Producer Kevin Feige and casting head Sarah Finn (who has been in charge of that position on nearly every MCU film to date) tend to have a good eye with picking out those who would give memorable performances, and in Age Of Ultron, they do a more-than-commendable job with knocking it out of the park. I'm fairly certain that the always smarmy and naturally cryptic-sounding James Spader was a choice that nobody thought of immediately when the time came to pick the voice actor for one of the most infamous villains in Marvel Comics history. When it WAS announced that he had been cast as the evil android and titular antagonist, a large portion of the legion of fanboys around the world breathed a sigh of relief, and they had every reason to. Since I'm running on stomach full of no caffeine and greasy fast food (such a departure for me), I may be a little too tired for my own good. With that being said, I'll make a very bold statement right here: Ultron is the second best villain in the MCU to date. While his introduction is nowhere near as grandiose as someone such as Loki, he is, ironically, a very fleshed-out character. Once cognizant, a multilayered personality begins to flourish (no doubt thanks to some of Stark's own programming and influence), something of which I've never seen too much of from his comic book counterpart. A bold, but commendable move. On the opposite end of the coin, new super-powered members of the picture's ensemble, such as Quicksilver (Aaron Taylor-Johnson from Kick-Ass), Scarlet Witch (Elizabeth Olsen from Martha Marcy May Marlene), and the Vision (Paul Bettany from Master and Commander) are great to see on the big screen, though they do leave you wondering if there is a bit more to them that will be explored in a director's cut on Blu-Ray. By the way, if you're wondering as to why I chose Olsen's poster as the primary picture for this review, I can only attribute that to me being a very simple and sadly single grown man. That and I think it looks kind of neat.

While the new cast members are a very welcome addition, some off-screen favorites are dearly missed. Don't get me wrong, Brian Tyler (Frailty, Thor: The Dark World, Bug) isn't an untalented man whatsoever, and Danny Elfman (Batman, Beetlejuice, a good handful of other motion pictures that are currently sitting on your shelf) has every right to be called a legend in the composing field. Still, the score doesn't feel quite right throughout a good chunk of the picture without the helping hand of the important Alan Silvestri, and the criminally underrated theme from the first film doesn't make a full appearance until the entire final act has wrapped up, though he is acknowledged and thanked for his contributions in the credits. There is also some minimal use of characters that I still think audiences should get to know better such as Sam Wilson and James Rhodes, but there's always time for the two in subsequent releases (and lord knows we are getting a lot of them). I do have a rather large complaint regarding a personal gripe that I have always had with Whedon as a writer, but I did promise to avoid talking about anything that would give away important details about the motion picture as a whole, so it shall have to wait for those I see and talk to in person.

If I can make a comparison between cinema and video games, Avengers: Age Of Ultron is sort of the Mortal Kombat II to The Avengers' Mortal Kombat. True, it arguably isn't as prolific, nor is it as noticeable as its predecessor in just how surprisingly good it ends up being, but that makes it the furthest thing from a bad experience. In fact, it's more colorful, equally as fun, amusing when it needs to be, and explores some new ideas that help set up crazier events that are sure to follow throughout the years to come (Avengers: Infinity War is going to be a two-part movie after all). Did I mention the action sequences too? If I did not, those are rather spectacular, highlighted by an insanely destructive duel in Johannesburg, South Africa between the Hulk and Tony Stark's humongous "Hulkbuster" armor and a rather frenetic battle between Ultron's legions and the opposing team in Seoul, South Korea. The amount of careless property damage and bodies, albeit mechanical, that are being thrown around and crushed makes Man Of Steel look like a toddler's work.

Not that you would need much persuasion if you were a fan to begin with, but a viewing on a sizable screen while surrounded by similarly-minded fun-loving geeks (coupled with an attendance of Free Comic Book Day this upcoming Saturday) is the way to go for the first real positive sign for the summer blockbuster season. While I'm still rather skeptical over the quality of larger-budget films coming out over the next few months, I can still fall back on saying that Avengers: Age Of Ultron is a really damn good time to be had by those except for the most curmudgeonly and bitter of people. But they rarely go to the cinema these days as it is, so who cares? Easy target practice aside, go check it out.

And for those of you who need further satiating in between Marvel Studios' release dates, since I had mentioned Mortal Kombat and The Avengers in the same breath, you can watch this wonderfully and hilariously made Death Battle between Thor and Raiden while you're at it. 

Justice League: The Flashpoint Paradox (2013) Movie Review

One night while visiting his mother's grave, Barry Allen, a.k.a. The Flash, is alerted to a break-in at the Flash Museum, led by his arch-nemesis Professor Zoom. With the aid of his fellow Justice League members, the villain's plans are thwarted, but not before Zoom taunts the hero about the flaws of his past mistakes, causing The Flash to retreat in frustration. The next morning, Allen wakes up in his office, and finds himself in a new, unfamiliar world, where his mother is alive, his powers are gone, the Justice League never existed, and the world is being torn apart by an Atlantean/Amazonian war. With the help of a newer, darker Batman, Barry attempts to fix and reconstruct his own timeline.


It is rather hard to believe that we are now into the seventeenth entry of movies within the DC Animated Universe . Releasing seventeen films in only six years must certainly be a time-consuming task, as is adapting many of the company's more popular works into feature-length motion pictures. Justice League: The Flashpoint Paradox is based on a 2011 storyline by renowned comic book author Geoff Johns, which was DC's final event leading into their New 52 reboot. This massive crossover relaunched every ongoing title at the time and, in some cases, even rewrote popular history with particular fan favorites. It is also the first starring vehicle for the fastest man in their world, The Flash, though it isn't the first time the character has been in an animated film, and one could argue that is the most mature and darkest entry in this expansive list of animated features.


Right off the bat, the voice work for Flashpoint is anything but common. Andrea Romano has been a voice director for nearly every entry in the DCAU, be it television or movie, and she gets great performances out of nearly everyone involved in this project. Savvy veterans and fans will immediately recognize fan favorites such as Dana Delany, Kevin Conroy, and Nathon Fillion returning to the roles that made them famous among us comic book fans and 90s cartoon kids, and newer participants such as C. Thomas Howell, Michael B. Jordan, and Cary Elwes absolutely knock it out of the park with the roles they've been given. While I'm always going to believe that Susan Eisenberg is the definitive Wonder Woman, I am starting to get around to Vanessa Marshall's portrayal as the princess of Themyscira, who is absolutely ruthless and cold-blooded here, with very few traits of compassion to show for it. Kevin McKidd plays his incarnation of Batman rather well, but you end up wishing he had brought down the "gruff" aspects just a tad. Not everyone with a five o'clock shadow needs to sound like they've been smoking constantly.


There are also a great amount of cameos scattered throughout the film, which too feature some notable and distinguishable actors and actresses. Some end up advancing the story forward, while some feel like distractions meant to appeal to those who are wondering where their number ones are. Personally, I would have liked to see more come about from these with a longer running time, as it gives the viewer only a few minutes to attach themselves to any of them before they either return to their respective cities/armies, or are just plain offed. I do understand that Flashpoint is a condensed version of a rather large story, but I would have been willing to wait a few more months for a release if these steps had been taken.


Alas, the overabundance of characters, be it negative or positive, is but a small gripe in the end, as Flashpoint's main issue comes from one striking, and very hard-to-miss flaw: the art style is really, really unpleasant to view. Compared to previous efforts, the way these characters are drawn looks incredibly flat or even disproportionate at times, especially in the first fifteen minutes. Designs on the faces in particular almost appear to have been shrunken down to parody-levels of oddness. If you are reading this and thinking that it can't be that noticeable, I may remind you that your eyes are working perfectly fine, and disregarding this can be a truly difficult task. Barry Allen's perceived "mommy issues" may also grind the gears of less tolerant comic book fans (to which even Professor Zoom points out), but hey, people put up with it when Bruce Wayne's the one pouring it out, so why not someone else this time?


Despite my problems mentioned above, Justice League: The Flashpoint Paradox is still a good amount of fun, at times emotionally resonating and arguably better than its source material. Speaking of emotion, I myself didn't have any problems with the levels of violence here, but it will be quite a shock to more sensitive parents who may be skimming over this in a store and thinking it is "just another comic book movie." The film's official rating is PG-13, and they certainly take advantage of this. Characters die rather memorably, there is some mild swearing here and there, and the overall tone may be too dark for any younger children to take. If this doesn't bother you, however, then you're in for a heck of a ride. I recommend a Blu-Ray purchase if you have the money and capability, as the plentiful amount of extras will enhance the overall fun factor as well.