Unseen Terror 2020: Day 8

Alright, now that the detour known as The Car has come and gone, let's finish what we started shall we?

2006's The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning is (to nobody's surprise) a prequel to the remake from three years prior and also marks the final time that the world of Leatherface and co. would be handled by the likes of New Line Cinema. The plot centers on two brothers and their girlfriends who are driving across the country to have some fun before they enlist in the Vietnam war. One small mishap involving a biker gang leads to them having an accidental encounter with the Hewitt family and, well, you can just guess how everything goes from here. 

Unfortunately this is where Beginning's biggest problems lie: a lot of just feels so predictable and familiar. Even some of this movie's biggest twists and reveals lack the impact that they should have, and the fact that this film serves as a precursor to the 2003 film means that we know that nothing major is going to happen to any of the returning cast. And my goodness are the origins behind some of these "mysteries" just utterly lame: was there really a demand to know how the old guy in the wheelchair lost his legs, or that Leatherface used to work in a slaughterhouse? It just feels so unnecessary, as if the filmmakers wanted to attempt to spice things up a bit rather than just deliver another substandard slasher picture. Nice try, but it missed the mark for me. Beginning is also so intent on showing the audience how "mean" and "brutal" it can be that it comes across as forced and obnoxious. It can't be coincidental that this Chainsaw entry was released right after the success of flicks like Saw and Hostel, which ushered in the "torture porn" genre (side note: I REALLY hate that term), because more than ever before it loves to linger and focus on how much physical damage can be done to a human being while they are compromised or constrained. There is a sequence where R. Lee Ermey has the two male protagonists tied up while he physically and psychologically torments them, and despite the best efforts from the actor I found myself honestly getting bored by the whole affair.

There are plenty of positives to be found in this new (old?) Texas Chainsaw entry though: the cast is surprisingly solid, with Jordana Brewster making for a fine heroine and the aforementioned Ermey turning in a (mostly) wonderful slimy performance yet again as Sheriff Hoyt. Truth be told this was one of the few situations where even when I disliked a movie overall, I liked every protagonist and was genuinely sad when any of them died. Chalk that up to either deceptively good actors or me being extremely empathetic. The kills are also fairly well done, though I have to wonder if the filmmakers or writers know how a chainsaw actually works. Eh, that's horror logic for you though.

There isn't much of a reason for The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning to exist. It doesn't excel in any particular area, it wants to mislead you into thinking that being "brutal" is the same as being "scary," and outside of some grisly deaths it just doesn't make for a very memorable experience. For all of the flak that films like Next Generation and TCM2 got, at least they had personality and had something to tell your friends about. For all the problems I had with the remake, it's still infinitely better than this and seems like it was made with more respect for the source material. For me, this was just another mediocre slasher "origin" story that was best left on the cutting room floor.

Of course, there are still two more flicks to go. Perhaps I'll ease up a little once those are knocked off...

Unseen Terror 2017: Day 10

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Unseen Terror 2015: Day 22

Searching for a potential roommate, college standout and all-around nerd Alistair McDowell believes that he finally has the offer and situation that he has been looking for. For a mere forty dollars a month, he finds refuge with several young men, but is quite surprised when he discovers that his new companions partake in smoking cannabis on a fairly frequent basis. Though he won't join in on the activity himself, he is present to their curiosity being piqued by a placed ad that advertises the sale of a rather large bong, which the previous owner claims is possessed. Far from deterred, Alistair's bedfellows receive the accessory in the mail, but after watching them take several hits, the geeky student begins to notice several things about this new purchase. For starters, it steals the souls of all who inhale from it. Even stranger, its base seems to change with every new victim being claimed.



I'm not going to lie here folks. When it comes to assembling this yearly marathon, I always run into the occasional roadblock. In this case, when I had to choose a different movie for every year that represented a full 365 days of being alive, 2006 was pure hell for me. Yes, I'm aware that we had awesome flicks like Behind The Mask: The Rise Of Leslie Vernon, Slither, The Host, and Fido. And yet, for every four films that turned out to be pretty rad, we had a swarm of releases that ranged from relatively average (Silent Hill, Final Destination 3) to wholly abysmal (The Omen, The Wicker Man). So what in the hell made me choose Full Moon Features' newest attempt at creating yet another franchise for the easily amused, the bluntly (ugh) titled Evil Bong?


Because I had already seen the titles listed above you clouds of fuck dust, that's why. You're all so silly.



Let us move on to the goods itself, yes? For starters, Evil Bong's acting is....well....acting I suppose. I would imagine that most of the cast knows that by putting flicks like this on their resumes, it most likely relegates them to the land of schlock cinema, but if I had the opportunity to partake in any Full Moon production myself, I'd probably take it in a heartbeat. David Weidoff (ABC Family's Roommates) makes for a pretty good straight-laced protagonist, although his uncanny resemblance to internet celebrity James Rolfe, a.k.a. The Angry Video Game Nerd, makes the experience that much more bizarre. The only real familiar faces that show up in Evil Bong are Tommy Chong (Up In Smoke, That '70s Show) and horror icon Bill Mosley (The Devil's Rejects, Carnivale), though the latter's role feels more akin to a cameo that one does during a day off from shooting something of a larger scale. What doesn't feel like a glorified brief appearance, however, is a merry gang of creations of Charles Band and his friends showing up in the bong's paradise, where beings like The Gingerdead Man (from the series of the same name), Jack Deth (Trancers), and Jack Attack (Demonic Toys) seem to be basking in the warmth of the greatest strip club on earth. I can't quite grasp the fact that there's a shared universe from the same company that released the Puppet Master franchise, and that it actually predates the widely popular Marvel Cinematic Universe. If you're still with me after those two sentences, thank you.


In terms of what helps Evil Bong keep its glorified B-movie tag (other than the blatant title), that comes down to a handful of tired and true wonders. There is an ample amount of nudity, though some of it does get repetitive when you see our stoner heroes enter the same dreamlike area repeatedly. A lot of the pot humor does tend to range in terms of writing, but I was shocked (and a wee bit disappointed) by how many chuckles I did manage to elicit during the eighty minute running time. Sadly, the film does begin to lull a bit towards the middle, and as fun as the part of one character's sleazy, dickhead grandfather is, it felt like a somewhat cheap attempt at ensuring that the viewers (who will no doubt be high themselves) don't tune in and out. Regardless, it sure beats a lot of other stoner-comedies that were being exhaled by studios from around that time period, and I'd rather sit through Evil Bong again than a dud like Strange Wilderness. In terms of stoner-horror-comedies though, the only ones I can think of that counts as competition is the previously-reviewed Idle Hands, though comparing a theatrical release with a budget of twenty five million dollars to a Full Moon Features production is like comparing a Duclaw Porter to a case of Miller High Life.


If you're expecting genuine scares and something that will change the game, then you're clearly forgetting that you're watching a movie called Evil Bong. It's a gigantic pile of idiocy that does a swell job at disguising itself as a motion picture, but god bless the thing for clearly not giving a damn about this fact. For some of the flack that I have given Full Moon head Charles Band, he does share a lot in common with another B-movie giant in the realm of horror. That person would be Mr. Lloyd Kaufman, co-founder of Troma Entertainment and purveyor of all things camp. Both men are fully aware that the quality of pictures that they put out are never going to be up for any major award, but they honestly love their dedicated fanbase and give them exactly what they demand on a daily basis. In the case of Evil Bong, it's pure cheese and it revels in it. If you believe that you can enjoy the smell of this particular brand of smoke, Evil Bong is available to rent on Time Warner Cable's On-Demand service for $2.99 (though be wary of bad connections with your cable box), and can be purchased through Full Moon's own website for $6.66.



No, I'm serious! Look!



To quote Canadian professional wrestler Lance Storm, tomorrow we're going to get serious for a minute. Besides, transitioning from a movie about a cursed smoking device into a movie about transmissions that drive people made is pretty logical, right?

Unseen Terror 2014: Day 20

Previously an ugly duckling and a cliched good girl, high schooler Mandy Lane has suddenly matured and blossomed in shockingly quick fashion. Over the course of the summer, she is invited to join a group of fellow students for a getaway trip to a secluded and isolated ranch. Secretly, the men on the trip all begin to compete for the affections of the attractive young woman, thinking of different ways to get her attention and get into her pants. But while the festivities continue at the isolated terrain, a mysterious stalker begins to take out her classmates.


At this point in 2014, most horror fans are familiar with the long-troubled release of Jonathan Levine's modern day slasher, the peculiarly-titled All The Boys Love Mandy Lane. But for those of you reading this who aren't acquainted, here's the cliff notes version of its wacky history: long before he directed pictures such as The Wackness and 50/50, Levine had worked on a low budget horror flick that was completed in 2006. Outside of select screenings at the occasional festival or convention (and a very limited release for U.K. audiences in 2008), it was never screened or released Stateside for modern horror audiences for an agonizing time of seven years, mostly due to its distributor going bankrupt after purchasing it from the oh-so-powerful Weinstein Company. Just when fans thought it would be condemned to obscurity, and would likely never see the light of day until another new video format came out, it was released as a video-on-demand title during the fall of 2013, with a DVD and Blu-Ray release coming shortly thereafter.


Naturally, the main question on everyone's mind is "Was it worth the wait?" And the answer is….well, kind of. This isn't your typical slasher, thought Darren Genet's cinematography does suggest a throwback to the mid/late 70s motion pictures coming out at the time. The performances are all earnest, and as an admitted non-fan of actor Johnny Depp's current fiancé Amber Heard (Pineapple Express, Alpha Dog), I'm willing to eat crow and say that she did a pretty damn good job as the titular character. It's fairly obvious that she's playing the innocent young woman who damn near everyone is trying to corrupt, but whereas most actresses would have just made the subject of everyone's desires into a droll and meaningless individual, she brings a nice earnestness to Mandy that kept it alive for someone like me. There's also Michael Welch's (Twilight) Emmet, a shunned friend of the woman who even through occasional moments of insanity, is very easy to identify with. You'd have to be as blind as bat to not draw comparisons to the teenagers who committed the awful Columbine High School massacre, though it is a little uncomfortable at times.


And yet, despite all of those accolades, something just didn't click that well in All The Boys Love Mandy Lane. I'm not quite sure as to whether the last ten minutes of its running time were what did me in and made me shift gears on the final verdict, but it felt all-too-familar at the end of the day. The film's script by Jacob Forman suggests a smarter and more satirical movie than what we end up seeing on screen, and some of the moments in its first half gives off way too much of a late 90s vibe for someone like myself. Oh, and there's the slight hint of a certain "South Park" episode, which made me wonder if this was supposed to be a black comedy more than a horror film.


I wish that All The Boys Love Mandy Lane would have received a proper release closer to its time of completion, since I get the feeling that it will get lost in the shuffle of equally-clever horror motion pictures that were seen by wide audiences, such as The Cabin In The Woods or Tucker And Dale Vs. Evil. But as it stands, you catch this one on Netflix Instant Streaming and decide for yourself as to whether you think that it should have stayed on the shelf or should have been given the fair treatment that it deserves.



You know it's a dated picture when you see teenagers using flip-phones though.



Tomorrow (well, today), I go for something for musical with Suck!

Unseen Terror 2014: Day 11

Yes yes, I'm a day late on posting these. When one is attempting to celebrate the beginning of their 29th birthday, you tend to forget certain obligations. But I'm going to double up today, and my review for Day 12's picture shall be up within a few hours.

Raph and Max are your typical guns-for-hire, doing dirty jobs for the right amount of money, and only under the right circumstances. Outside of their rather busy work schedule, Raph is attempting to fix a marriage on the brink of divorce, and the fact that he almost forgets his own son's birthday isn't helping matters. While out and about, the two begin searching for a last minute gift, but soon receive orders to pull off a routine hit. The operation proves to be anything but basic, however, and the men find themselves holed up in a secluded area, grouped together with complete strangers and fighting for their lives against infected human beings.


So, this is a thing that exists. I had always assumed that whenever casting companies decided to let professional wrestlers take the lead, they'd attempt to pick out the biggest and/or most recognizable name that they could find. Last year, that thought was shattered following the release (plus my own review) of the fairly mediocre The Call, co-starring the modern king of "Why are you still employed?," Mr. David Otunga. During a random trip to the last Blockbuster Video that I'll likely ever see, I stumbled across Overtime, with legendary low-card standout Al Snow in the lead, and figured that for the cost of one whole American dollar, I'd give it a whirl.


From the get go, you can tell that Overtime has nothing but good intentions, wanting to be a mixture of Jingle All The Way and From Dusk Til Dawn (no, you didn't read that wrong). The only problem is that this film just seems to be trying a little too hard to be "cool" or "fun." Some of the more memorable horror-comedies in recent years didn't have to try hard per se, but the overabundance of cursing and exposition in Overtime shines brighter than a spotlight on the back of "Stone Cold" Steve Austin's head. Snow and his partner John Wells at least look like they were having a ball during filming though, as does the flick's villain, who is channeling her inner Jeremy Irons from the infamously terrible Dungeons and Dragons movie released in the year 2000.

There isn't anything necessarily terrible in Overtime, and heck, there are times when it's genuinely funny (inexplicably, any joke revolving around what kind of cake to get for a birthday party made me chuckle), but it reminded me too much of one of those movies that you would have seen collecting dust on the shelf of a video store, or worse yet, sitting in a pile of unsold copies near the checkout lane. I'm honest-to-god shocked that this took NINE WHOLE MONTHS to shoot, especially when you consider how cheap the movie can look during particular moments and with how not-so-subtle some of the pop culture jokes can be. For example, Snow searches for the hottest video game system, the YBox 720, to buy for his son. Don't even bother to groan, I did it for you in spades. Admittedly, I would have never even batted an eye towards this surprisingly short project (it says eighty one minutes on the back, but it's realistically seventy) had the six time WWF hardcore champion not been attached to it. But hey, you could do much, much worse than sit through this. For instance, you could watch Al Snow wrestle in 1999's now-infamous "Kennel From Hell" match.



Yeah, too easy of a shot. I think I'll let Mick Foley stick to the jokes in this case.

Hoping that it will reduce their prison sentences by an entire month, several troublemakers and hoodlums are given a temporary leave of absence in order to help clean up a vacated and dilapidated hotel. Unbeknownst to the assorted group of folks is that while they work, they are secretly being watched and stalked by a silent, disturbed psychopath. When the reclusive murderer, known only as Jacob Goodnight, starts to slaughter them one by one, the remaining youngsters must gather and find a way to stop this maniac, or to at least escape the premises with their lives.


If that description for 2006's See No Evil is a little too by-the-numbers for any of you readers, then I can only assure you that it was the best that I could come up with. Writer Dan Madigan (of WWF/E SmackDown fame) and former pornography director Gregory Dark aren't trying to break new ground with this fairly formulaic motion picture, but man, could they have at least tried to do something out of the ordinary? Speaking of Dark, I am a little amazed, if not slightly bothered, to see a good amount of former adult film directors show up in the former half of this year's countdown. It's pure coincidence. I hope.


There really isn't much that I can disclose about See No Evil, solely because you've seen everything it has to offer already. Let me count the ways: generic hot girls, go-to shower scene, generic douchebags, fairly decent gore and kills, predictable twist towards the end, slight attempt at humanizing the killer, and a washed-out look throughout. Perhaps the only thing that I can disclose is something that I feel is only a problem long-time wrestling fans such as myself will have: Kane (real name Glenn Jacobs), who plays the often stone-faced, eyeball-obsessed Jacob Goodnight, just isn't scary whatsoever. I imagine that should you have no connection or interest in the world of sports entertainment, you may find him to be slightly disturbing, but it's hard for the small part of the audience that IS crossing over from the WWE universe to even care. We've seen this man get stuck in some absolutely horrendous feuds since the character's debut in 1997, so it's pretty damn hard to suspend our disbelief. Yes, he's tall and can grimace awfully well when he needs to, but I can't take him seriously when I've seen skits like THIS over the past few years.


See No Evil made me slightly depressed. Mind you, it isn't because it's an emotionally powerful film, or because you sympathize with any personality in the cast, but because of discovering that it was surprisingly successful at the box office and on home video. True, WWE Studios didn't make an obscene amount of money from its performance, but the movie still over-performed when you consider how many horror and wrestling fans expected it to bomb rather hard. The fact that superior, more well-developed projects such as Behind The Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon or Trick 'R Treat have to revel in obscurity, struggling to get a sequel off of the ground or even to make back its full budget, is just a crying shame. Meanwhile, this basic slasher picture, while not entirely deserving of the 8% rating that it currently holds on RottenTomatoes.com, is getting a sequel with bigger stars (Danielle Harris, Katharine Isabelle) and promising directors (Jen and Sylvia Soska) attached to it. It just doesn't seem particularly fair to me.



Wait, Trick 'R Treat IS getting a sequel? Oh. Well, at the end of the day, this movie is still pretty disposable.



Coming up very soon, we're heading way, way back to the 1960s and into the land of Mario Bava with Black Sunday!