Work sucks. Sorry y'all.
I feel like I owe whoever reads these posts an apology: despite my (not actual) best efforts, I will NOT be able to finish the entire Children of the Corn franchise this year. As it turns out, there seems to be some unseen forces at work because the second adaptation (if we're talking about full-length films) of Stephen King's short story, which premiered on the SyFy Channel back in 2009, is unavailable to stream ANYWHERE. Hell, even the reliable archive.org doesn't seem to have any link to the darn thing. The only way to obtain a physical copy is to purchase a Region 2 Blu-Ray...for SIXTY DOLLARS. I'm unsure as to how much money went into making the picture itself but given the downward spiral of this godawful franchise, I'd bet money that you make your own Children of the Corn film for that same amount. So, perhaps another day.
Nah, probably not. Anyways, let's move on to....
.........Children of the Corn. The 2020 adaptation.
*sigh*
I did approach the newest entry in this exhaustingly long franchise (filmed in 2020 but delayed for three years thanks to various reasons and/or Covid-19) with an open mind. After all, this was being promoted as a soft reboot and you've got a decent writer/director this time around in the form of Kurt Wimmer. Wimmer's body of work is a fascinating one. He only has four directing credits to his name (his best film arguably being Equilibrium), but a LOT more when it comes to writing. Heck, just glancing at his Wikipedia page shows he has three remakes under his belt (Point Break, Total Recall, The Thomas Crown Affair), and even though those weren't all warmly received, there's always a chance this could be a hit.
Then again, sometimes there are just properties that are beyond help, and no matter what fancy coat of paint you try to use on Children of the Corn, it just seems destined to be a putrid mess. The plot of this is more akin to that of a pre-make (ala the 2011 version of The Thing) than a straight-up remake. The only things this feature shares with all preceding entries in this series are corn, creepy kids killing adults, and being set in Nebraska. Oddly enough, the film doesn't seem to offer much in the way of religious fanaticism this time around, and seemingly wants to focus on how small towns can sell out to bigger companies by receiving a crop subsidy. Or something like that. Though I'm open to new ideas, the manner in which this is executed is pretty laughable. The film seems intent on making the adults look like the evil ones this time around, so when the killings begin, suddenly you (and lead actress Elena Kampouris) are supposed to do an immediate 180 and side with them again. It's just kind of a mess.
I'll give credit where it is due though: in terms of casting, this features some folks who I hope will go on to star in bigger and better pictures. The aforementioned Kampouris has the makings of a good scream queen if she chooses to pursue it, and lead villainess Eden (Kate Moyer) is the best baddie we've had in these movies since The Final Sacrifice. Yes, she can occasionally chew the scenery, but she seems fully aware of what this is. Everyone else is fairly forgettable though, and that's the worst thing you can be in a bad Children of the Corn flick. For what is unforgettable (and unforgivable) this time around is the laughably bad CGI and decision to finally give us a "real" look at He Who Walks Behind the Rows. Without going into too many spoilers, I'll just assume that someone in the creative department snuck into 'B' movie company the Asylum's offices late at night and stole their concept art for "that one tree guy from Marvel but made of stalks." Bafflingly terrible, and I can't imagine how much worse it looked on a big screen when it received a very brief theatrical run this year (the first entry to go to cinemas since Part II).
My viewings of films released during this year have been very limited, but I'll go on record in saying that I doubt I'll see a worse flick than this in the horror genre for 2023. It isn't the very worst Children of the Corn picture, but even by its lower-than-low standards it's VERY bad. Currently, it's streaming as an "exclusive" for Shudder, but please watch literally anything else on there. They're very nice people over there with an excellent catalog of movies to choose from, but not everything warrants a watch.
Remember when I briefly alluded to the 2009 Children of the Corn film being (technically) the second FULL-LENGTH adaptation of King's short story? Well, that's because I made the very strange discovery while assembling this year's list that there was a short film that preceded 1984's Children of the Corn by a whole year, but due to the name rights being snatched up so soon, wasn't legally allowed to call itself that. 1983's Disciples of the Crow is a fairly straightforward handling of the source material, though with a microbudget and some slight alterations. For example, this is set in Oklahoma rather than Nebraska, and the characters of Malachai and Isaac are nowhere to be found. The lead characters are also far more irritating, which if memory serves me correctly was also the case in King's short story. Points for authenticity?
Anyways, it runs for about twenty minutes and isn't that bad. Not required viewing, but it's up on YouTube for those who are curious.
And since we're speaking of YouTube...
Three years ago, I watched and reviewed the rather infamous fan favorite film Phallus in Wonderland, starring everyone's most feared and beloved interplanetary conquerors GWAR. The Antarctica-based madmen are truly one of a kind in the world of musical entertainment, and it's easy to forget just how much stuff they've delved into besides releasing full-length albums and murdering every living being with a Wikipedia page. For example, I wasn't aware that there wasn't just one picture Gwar produced and starred in, but several. Skulhedface was released around the same time that Gwar's fourth album hit the shelves (the brilliantly titled "This Toilet Earth") and was reportedly considered for a theatrical release. However, the MPAA deemed that it could never be released as anything other than NC-17 and since it was far too graphic to edit down to an 'R' rated film, it just went straight to VHS instead.
The plot is...well, how do you go into anything Gwar-related without making yourself giggle just a bit when typing it out? Our beloved "Scumdogs" are hosting a telethon wherein people are being offed and fed to appease the creature known as the "World Maggot." If they offer enough sacrifices to the beast, there is a chance that Gwar would finally be able to leave this godforsaken dumpster fire of a planet. Elsewhere, an evil media corporation known as "GlomCo" has taken notice of these events and decide to bribe Gwar's manager (Sleazy P. Martini) into selling the group out to make Saturday morning cartoons. To nobody's surprise, this doesn't go well, and soon the band comes face to face with a dastardly being known simply as Skulhedface.
Still with me?
Look, this is exactly what you think it is. It's debaucherous, immature, gross, and loud. So, in other words, if you're a fan of Gwar (like me) you'll be quite content for the entirety of its hour-long running time. Also, getting Sebastian Bach of Skid Row and Jello Biafra of The Dead Kennedys for small parts is brilliant casting. It's currently streaming on YouTube.
Thought we were done with Stephen King, eh? Well, it turns out I had completely forgotten that 2017's Gerald's Game had been sitting in my Netflix queue for several years with no reason as to why it never left. Hell, damn near everyone and their mother had been discussing it and I just kept replying with stuff along the lines of "yeah, I'll get to eventually." Well, what better time than after I've been beaten over the head with cornstalks and soaked with alien fluids?
...erm, anyway.
The plot for Gerald's Game is centered on married couple Jessie and Gerald (played by Carla Gugino and Bruce Greenwood respectively), who rent an isolated lake house for a romantic getaway. In an attempt at spicing things up in their love life, Jessie agrees to take part in some "kinky" roleplaying, which leaves her handcuffed to the bedposts. Initially Jessie plays along with her husband's idea, but then grows uncomfortable with this "fantasy" that Gerald seems to have, and after a heated argument, her husband suddenly drops dead from a heart attack. Trapped to two bedposts and with seemingly no way to free herself, Jessie has to devise a way to escape all while battling not just dehydration, but inner demons and hidden trauma.
Like a lot of King's best works, Gerald's Game can take something so simple (though not without potential of terrible consequences) and make it the most nightmarish scenario possible. Being stuck in an area and environment that she's unfamiliar with (and which is surprisingly claustrophobic), you truly feel scared for Jessie. I've long been a champion of Carla Gugino (Sin City, Spy Kids, The Haunting of Hill House) as an incredibly underrated actress, and she might be giving the performance of her life here. Bruce Greenwood (Thirteen Days, Star Trek) also plays an equally good part of what makes this work so well, delivering a slimier performance than expected considering that the "real" Gerald (not a spoiler!) dies quite early in the film. Truth be told, there isn't a single bad performance in here whatsoever, but it really is Gugino's time to shine here, and she knocks it out of the damn stadium. Give the woman her damn flowers. Perhaps if there was one complaint I have about Gerald's Game, it would be the very odd and jarring final ten minutes or so, which unfortunately adds fuel to the fire of King's critics who say that he can't quite write a proper ending without something preposterous occurring. I can't say that I disagree with that statement either, and the more I thought about it, the more it does hurt this film's potential as a future "re-watch."
The final few minutes aside, Gerald's Game is absolutely stellar. Great acting, great tension, and a very faithful adaptation of a very underrated (and often thought unfilmable) book. As stated above, it's streaming as a Netflix exclusive.
Did I mention that it's also the first film this month to make me actively wince and elicit a genuine "oh good lord no?"
No? Well, it did.
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