Unseen Terror 2018: Day 4

A space shuttle called "Nautilus" is heading back to earth, but unexpectedly, it passes through a cloud of alien spores. The lone occupant, a simple man named Steve, is mutated by this exposure and turns into a giant, bloodthirsty creature. Nautilus crashes into a Florida swamp, and it doesn't take long for this new beast to begin wreaking havoc on the populace. It feeds on people as if they were snacks, spreads new, infectious spores of its own, and eventually catches the attention of a small band of town folk. Will they be able to band together and bring down this behemoth, or has its evil spread too far too quickly ?

I mean, how else am I going to start a review of any picture with the likes of Fred Olen Ray AND Jim Wyorski attached to it? For those unfamiliar with that gruesome twosome: if you're of my age, and have ever looked at most crappy straight-to-video "B" movies or late night Skinamax parodies from the early 1990s up until about the mid-2000s, there's a strong chance that they're involved somehow (though at least Wynorski has Chopping Mall to his name). It's arguable about whether they're the proper successors to guys like Ed Wood or not because unlike that infamous director, it wouldn't surprise me if they were conscious about their projects being quite lousy. As someone who was not fully aware of their involvement with Dark Universe, a blind buy from this past weekend's Monster Mania Convention in Hunt Valley, Maryland, I feel that properly reviewing something of this quality is like attempting to discuss flicks like Pocket Ninjas and Samurai Cop to the general public: it's beyond fucking hard.


First off, props to the VHSPS people for providing a very authentic replication of this movie's initial release. There's coming attractions for other obscure flicks that start right after I pressed "play" on this bootleg's main menu (one of which included Joe Piscopo, of whom I still harbor a grudge against because of Dead Heat). It's still absolutely a rip from a video tape, but there's TLC put into this. It sports a nice cover and wraparound that makes you truly feel like you've been teleported back to the glorious days of when video store chains could be found within reasonable driving distance. And with that, the authentic praise officially ends. Because oh boy, we've got a rough one here folks.


Dark Universe was reportedly shot for $40,000 over the span of ten days, and that sounds fairly accurate. The cast consists of Joe Estevez, who is his family's equivalent of a Zero Bar, and nobody else worth a damn. The former must have been rented out for a singular day, as he only appears in the opening scene and several television interviews that are scattered throughout its running time. Maybe they forgot that they had him at their disposal? As for the rest of them.....well, I'd say that they're not exactly capable of hanging with the best of the best, but when you consider what they have to work with, it's unfair to get mad at them. Perhaps the only standout comes from the resident "science guy" in the group, but it's hard to take him seriously when he's dressed like a dollar store Boy Scout troupe leader. Also, there's a ton of unnecessary breast exposure, but that's Jim "Bare Wench Project" Wynorski for ya.


Obviously, the technical aspects of Dark Universe are about what you'd expect from Ray and Wynorski (aka they're quite terrible). I'm guessing that part of the budget must have gone into making the monster, which was emitting some seriously bad VR Troopers vibes. It sports the ability to suck people dry ala the villain Cell from the Dragon Ball franchise, and uses a darting tongue not unlike that of a Xenomorph. When parts of it break off, they change into spores (which for all intents and purposes look like giant boogers) and can possess human hosts. Because of course it can. There's also a moment around the fifty-one minute mark where I audibly yelled "HOLY SHIT, A RABID ARMADILLO ON A STICK." I should have properly prepared myself for something like this, and I curse the fact that I couldn't drink while watching it. Bit of advice kids: don't work in retail. It'll kill any regular routine that you may wish to have.


Dark Universe is what would happen if you threw Predator, Alien, and The Fly into a blender, then threw that device into a dumpster fire. Hell when writing this review, I had to make sure that this wasn't already on Redlettermedia's "Best of the Worst" video series. In no world will this ever be called even a halfway decent picture, but it IS perfect "get drunk with your friends and laugh at it" material. Maybe I should have saved this one for the weekend. As of this time, there is no respectable way to purchase this turd (there's a DVD on Amazon that has Ray's face plastered on the bottom left of the cover), but if you're interested in seeking it out in any way, shape, or form, perhaps a visit to your local horror convention is the best method of obtaining it.



Also, why is it called Dark Universe when the film takes place in fucking Florida of all places?



Ugh, this film man. This film.



Tomorrow, we're gonna get back to viewing more "credible" material and welcome our old friend Clive Barker back to the blog!

Unseen Terror 2017: Day 18

EPA worker Steve Malone is sent to rural Alabama, where he is hoping to test the possible effects that the nearby military base has on the ecosystem. Dragging his second wife Carol, stepson Andy, and his own daughter Marti with him, it doesn't take very long for the group to settle into their new abode. One day after young Andy runs away from school, seemingly scared of his new classmates' conformist-like behavior, he is picked up and delivered back to the house by helicopter pilot Tim Young, who Marti immediately bonds with. Within a staggeringly short amount of time, the Malone children begin to notice something highly unusual about the town: most of their familiars appear to be utterly without emotion. In fact, after one falls asleep, it's as if they are barely human anymore once they wake up...



There are two things that need to be said right off the bat before I type this review: I'm not a humongous Abel Ferrera fan (my thoughts on his 1979 effort The Driller Killer made that well-known), and despite my like for 1992's dark and sleazy Bad Lieutenant, his style of filmmaking just doesn't personally do it for me. The second is that this marks the FOURTH adaption that I've seen of author Jack Finney's classic 1955 story titled The Body Snatchers (five if you can count 1998's The Faculty). That is remarkably absurd, if not slightly unhealthy on my part. Still, two of those official interpretations and big screen handlings have been nothing short of great, with my only miss coming in the form of 2007's clunky and forgettable The Invasion. So I figured that with this year's Unseen Terror, there would be no better time than the present to visit 1993's Body Snatchers. Plus, with a shocking amount of recognizable names working in the script and story departments (Stuart Gordon and Dennis Paoli of Re-Animator & From Beyond, Larry Cohen of The Stuff & Q-The Winged Serpent), it just seemed that it was too big to fail.


After the final, depressing minutes wrapped up, I'm certainly glad that I took this chance, as this particular version manages to try something a little different to separate itself from its predecessors. For starters, Body Snatchers feels even more self-contained that I expected it to be, and despite the obvious threats and implication of future domination, most of its running time has the film's long tenure inside of a military base. To me, it didn't appear that the priority of spreading this "infection" worldwide seemed to be the main focus of its (many) antagonists though, or at least not until when we spot one leader passing off instructions to vehicles about their destinations. I'm not quite sure if that was the wisest move to make though, considering that there are several stretches where it does begin to drag a little until the events pick up. Speaking of that, Body Snatchers seems to have a bit more of a focus on providing more thrills and action than any other translation of the source material, though it isn't without some genuinely chilling and disturbing moments thrown in between. And yes, it does include a new version of the now infamous "Snatchers Scream."


While Body Snatchers does lack some of the same star power that the 1978 picture possessed (cue review plug), it isn't slouching in the acting department. Gabrielle Anwar, who some modern fans will recognize from Burn Notice and The Tudors is our main heroine, and she does play a damn fine one. The panic and paranoia seeping throughout her being does feel quite human and fairly realistic, as does her younger costar Reilly Murphy, who plays her kid brother and initial discoverer of the sudden change in loved ones and cohorts. Meg Tilly (The Big Chill) also has a great, if not criminally small role as their soon-to-be emotionless stepmother. She is involved in a particularly great sequence wherein she delivers a monologue about why resisting is utterly futile (don't sue me). It comes across as somewhat understandable, especially when you think about how dark and dreary this cruel world can be. Unfortunately, Anwar's costar Billy Wirth (The Lost Boys) just isn't given enough of a strong character or background to work with, and while we should be feeling concerned for his own safety, he just felt rather flat (the same can be said for Forest Whitaker's supporting role). Truth be told, most of the soldiers and personnel are fairly boring as well, even before the replacement process has begun. If this was supposed to be a metaphor for how soulless the armed forces can be, then they somewhat succeeded. I'm still a fan of the concept of fearing change and shattering the typical portrait of American society that was so vividly found in the other flicks though.


Complaints and quirks aside, I did find Body Snatchers to be a pretty decent watch, even if it doesn't really hold a candle to the other movies that came before it. The mood and atmosphere are appropriately chilling, the special effects rather nice (watching the "husks" dissolve is a standout), and it ultimately gets the vibe and feeling of hopelessness right, which is possibly one of its two or three most important aspects. As of this review, Ferrera's vision is available on a Blu-ray from Warner Home Video, and most services such as YouTube and Amazon Prime have it for rent. Ultimately, whatever iteration of the story you choose to temporarily or permanently purchase depends on how much you are willing to spend, or if you have a preference for certain decades' releases.



Just don't give any of your time to Invasion of the Pod People though. It's Asylum's knockoff, and you'd be better off letting one of these aliens destroy your body instead.




Tomorrow, we hop forward a bit and see if an Indiegogo fund can truly help (love)craft a competent horror movie!

Unseen Terror 2017: Day 15 & 16

If I can be so eloquent, piecing together this marathon often gets to be a real pain in the ass. Sometimes your initial choices get removed from the services that are at your disposal (a.k.a. Netflix and Amazon Prime) and you are required to do some reshuffling. The fifteenth entry was supposed to be 1988's 976-EVIL, a flick that marked the directing debut of beloved horror icon Robert Englund (A Nightmare on Elm Street). Instead, due to strange circumstances, it's being pushed back to a later date, if not being removed entirely. While I wouldn't call it a necessity on my list for this year, I still don't like having to do such things. Thankfully, to quote Mr. Paul Levesque, there's always a "Plan B."

If you stopped in at Unseen Terror two years ago, you'll recall when I revisited a relic from the 1990s in the form of Fox Kids' Goosebumps adaptations. Digging up a few older episodes for reviewing did make for quite an experience, and I didn't say that I wouldn't be down for more viewings down the line. As luck would have it, the series is still up on Netflix (as is the entertaining feature film from 2015), so I decided to take the plunge again. First up was It Came From Beneath the Sink, which revolves around a young girl whose family has moved into a new house that harbors an unwanted guest: an evil sponge that seems to cause bad luck to anyone that comes into contact with it. The concept isn't a terrible one, and the cast, particularly a very young Katharine Isabelle (Ginger Snaps, American Mary, Freddy vs. Jason) seem to be having a good time. I did find great amusement in trying to figure out if one of them managed to sneak in a "fuck" around the five-or-so minute mark. There's also a portion in the second half which feels like an homage to Joe Dante's Gremlins when they take the sponge (which resembles something that you'd create for your own self-released horror flick) to a teacher for examination, but I get the feeling that it was mere coincidence rather than tribute. It's quite a cheesy story overall, but it doesn't make for a bad watch.

Be Careful What You Wish For is essentially a pre-teen retelling of The Monkey's Paw, which is an old supernatural story that has been done in everything ranging from The Simpsons to Wishmaster to Rick & Morty. The core plot consists of the relatively-unpopular Samantha helping an old fortune teller home one day after school, and the kindly woman decides to gift the young girl with three wishes of her choice, though they will not be without consequences. Unlike most of the Goosebumps book series, the was one of the few installments that I never read as a kid. Our lead actress is Melody Johnson (Jason X), whose clumsy, awkward character Samantha feels a bit too gullible and flat for any first time watchers to identify with. I'm sure that she's a perfectly fine actress and person in general, but she just doesn't pack the charisma or enthusiasm to keep this one afloat. Ellen-Ray Hennessy (of Alf fame) as the gypsy is decent enough for the brief time that she's on screen, but her presence can't seem to keep it out of the "meh" pile. I have heard that the source material has a drastically different ending, and I would certainly hope so considering it felt like the producers of the show wanted this to end on as optimistic of a note as possible. This is ultimately one that you can skip.

No, your eyes don't deceive you. That is Colin Mochrie of Whose Line is it Anyway? fame in that picture. Is he a focal point of the episode titled Bad Hare Day? No, he is not. In fact, he's only in the piece for approximately five seconds, and to make matters stranger, he is uncredited. Unfortunately, he's about the only thing worth remembering about this, which revolves around a kid who sneaks out to see a man named Amazo (sure hope DC Comics didn't sue R.L. Stine for that), who happens to be his favorite magician. While at the show, he discovers that the man who he looks up to may be a bit of a fraud, and secretly steals his case of tricks. Yet another future cast member involved with the Friday the 13th franchise is our lead here (Dov Tiefenbach of Jason X), and with three in this double entry so far, this feels like the beginning of a running gag. Despite his best efforts, he can't seem to hold a candle to David Ferry of The Boondock Saints fame as a loudmouthed rabbit who may or may not be holding secrets of his own after our protagonist accidentally frees him. That praise aside, this is another episode that is just reveling in too much mediocrity, and most of the dialogue is pretty darn stupid. Bad Hare Day is a bit of a tossup, but at least it tries to have some fun.

On the other hand, the two part entry titled The Werewolf of Fever Swamp is a far cry from fun, but it shouldn't have to be considering that it feels the most akin to an actual horror film. The plot follows a kid named Grady, whose family has recently moved into a new house in the titular Fever Swamp. He quickly befriends another child named Will, and even takes in a new dog that the family comes across. But when a series of grisly animal murders begin to occur, suspicion arises that something, or someone is out there causing all of this trouble, and the signs point to Grady's new pet. I have some familiarity with Werewolf, as when I was much younger, I was equally creeped out by the filmed and printed formats of its story. After the second part concluded, I believe that there are several good reasons why. The set pieces and atmosphere are surprisingly moody and well shot, which is shocking considering that there have been moments where the show looked remarkably cheap. Werewolf also has far more handling on the subject of death, which around this time seemed to big no-no for television programs primarily aimed towards younger audiences (look to the absolutely butchered run of Dragon Ball Z as an example). Truth be told, there's a great deal of effort put into the entire product, including the acting (Brendan Fletcher's casting means that we have FOUR future Friday victims) and the patient, "whodunit" vibe that hints at one particular 1980s lycanthropic gem. The twist in the final act is fairly easy to predict if you're a longtime veteran or connoisseur of the genre, but it's a minor complaint about an otherwise solid entry in the show's run. Oh, and there's a great jump scare at the end too.



So, that will do it for Goosebumps. Now, we can move on to the meat and potatoes of the other day's entry.

Aged antique shop owner Jesus Gris notices that one of his pieces is unusually hollow, and once it breaks open, bugs begin to crawl out. He discovers that inside of this tiny statue lies a strange, metallic mechanical object that resembles some sort of arachnid. After winding it up, it suddenly clamps onto his hand and pierces his skin with a mysterious needle, of which he forcefully removes. Thinking nothing of it, he patches up the wound, but slowly begins to notice changes in his health. Yes, his wrinkles are disappearing and his libido has been lifted, but there are also unwanted new additions. He seems to be put off by the sight of the sun, and is drawn to the appearance, smell, and taste of blood. Meanwhile, a fragile old baron and his nephew have been searching far and wide for a device that potentially holds the key to eternal life, but at a terrible cost.

For an amount of years that even I can not keep count of, Guillermo del Toro's debut effort Cronos never quite made it onto my watchlist. I harbor an immense amount of respect for the Mexican director and feel like I could listen to him talk for hours about pretty much anything. His unbridled passion and love of cinema feels so genuine, and seeing his various influences converge into one massive picture after another usually results in outstanding success. But Cronos isn't really a gigantic movie. In fact, it's pretty darn small when you factor in its cost and scale.

If you couldn't quite figure it out from the synopsis above, Cronos is a different take on the vampire mythos, but with some different kind of handling. The influence of prolific directors such as David Cronenberg can be felt throughout, especially during elements that borrow from the "body horror" genre (of which I know GDT is an outspoken fan of). The fear of unknown influences drastically altering our physical being, which in turn severely affects our mental state, is something that is so easy for we as simple human beings to be afraid of. Jesus (played brilliantly by veteran actor Federico Luppi) does briefly experience joy when he realizes that he's sluggishly transforming into a more robust person, but his disbelief over what has been occurring within him shines through rather quickly as well, especially during his interactions with family members. There's a strong sense of sadness and tragedy that permeates throughout Cronos that feels like a throwback and love letter to old gothic literature, which is rather fitting considering some interpretations of Dracula have portrayed him as such a figure.

While I do have to give props to Luppi for his performance as the elderly cursed protagonist, the rest of the cast shouldn't be overlooked. Ron Perlman (Hellboy, Sons of Anarchy) plays the brutish nephew of the aforementioned businessman (Claudio Brook, who would pass away two years after Cronos' release), whose knowledge of the insect-like contraption could prove to be very useful for a myriad of reasons. The two of them make for delightful, but not entirely inhuman or insensitive villains. Young Tamara Shanath portrays Jesus' mute granddaughter, and considering that she isn't allowed to speak throughout the entire project, she does a standup job with her facial and body expressions alone. Other aspects of Cronos shine brightly as well, including a stupendous score from Javier Alvarez and excellent cinematography from Guillermo Navarro, who would continue to work with del Toro until 2013 and even assist Robert Rodriguez on pictures such as From Dusk til Dawn and Desperado. I suppose that if I have to pick out one very small complaint, it would be that everyone throughout the flick seems to just naturally understand one another, no matter what the language may be. But hell, if Star Wars can get away with this, then why not a film involving someone licking blood off of a bathroom floor?

Cronos is an easy highlight of Unseen Terror so far, and one of the most original takes on the bloodsucking monsters that I've seen in a very long time. Considering that this was Guillermo del Toro's debut effort, you somehow feel as though we are watching a veteran at work. I sincerely hope that this movie reaches more audiences over the years, as I think its uniqueness is rather salubrious. Currently, Filmstruck has Cronos available for streaming, but I would strongly suggest that you just purchase the gorgeous and packed Blu-ray release from Criterion from any website of your choosing.

Just make sure that you don't end up accidentally purchasing the paintball gun with a similar-sounding name. That will probably cause you more pain and won't have nearly as much replay value.

Tomorrow, we are sticking with non-American cinema and set out in search of a loved one in France!

Unseen Terror 2017: Day 13

It's November 5, 1975, and logger Travis Walton is heading to his job with his assorted friends and coworkers. A typical day goes by, but when the men travel back home, they encounter a strange, seemingly foreign object in the sky. Walton gets out of his vehicle to observe it up close, but is suddenly hit by a blinding ray of light, which sends him flying backwards. The others retreat, fearing that Travis has been killed, but when Mike Rogers, one of the man's closer cohorts, goes back to investigate and retrieve his body, it is nowhere to be found. Thus begins a five day-long search for Travis, who most of the town in which he resided believe has been simply murdered. Others, such as Mike and the rest of the men present that night, stick to their belief that foul play of the otherworld-type was involved, and the latter's beliefs may be confirmed when Mike is the recipient of a strange phone call one evening from someone claiming to be Travis...



So, we're thirteen days into this darn thing, and aliens haven't made a single appearance yet? I guess that has to change. 1993's Fire in the Sky is a movie that I'm mostly familiar with due to assorted YouTube clips that were floating around for a number of years before they were taken down by the powers that be (don't search for them unless you have no issue with most of its core moments being spoiled). Despite my lack of interest in exploring the unknown and headache-inducing UFO studies & conspiracies, I can still enjoy a fun picture about them from time to time if enough effort is put into the project itself. 


I do feel as if I was slightly deceived by my prior knowledge of Fire in the Sky though, as there is a very strong case to be made about why this can't truly qualify as a horror movie. Sure, the core concept of alien abduction and the paranoia that it instills in everyone involved with it is quite the characteristic for pictures of the more terrifying variety, but save for something that I will discuss in the next paragraph below, most of Fire in the Sky is a very slow burn, moving more like a drawn-out mystery rather than a full-fledged horror flick. Some people might find this to be very distracting or disappointing, but I had no qualms with it whatsoever. When you take into account that this is supposedly based on true events, you do find yourself a little more drawn and stuck to the film, wanting to conduct some research yourself after the credits have rolled. Plus, getting to know or possibly care for your main cast is something that I don't frown upon, especially when you have such a solid list of performers at your service. Our poor unfortunate abductee is portrayed by Life as We Know It star D.B. Sweeney, and considering that he's absent for most of Fire's second act, he still manages to garner a lot of sympathy. He's a blue collar individual with a good heart, and when we see him (literally) return to Earth, the amount of sheer horror that he manages to project with his body language and facial expressions makes you feel as if you're there with him, and you just want to give the guy a hug. His concerned coworkers are also fairly easy to identify with, especially Robert Patrick (Terminator 2: Judgement Day, The Faculty), who gives a solid enough performance that it actually led to him being cast in another alien-related property many years later. Craig Sheffer (Nightbreed, One Tree Hill), Henry Thomas (E.T.), and Peter Berg (Shocker) also pop up in in the cast, but I couldn't for the life of me remember anything about their characters. Nobile Willingham of Walker: Texas Ranger fame also has a supporting role as a somewhat clichéd sheriff, whose primary reason for existing seemed to be as the overseeing skeptic of the group. A big cavalcade of people, sure, but their experience and tenure help to keep the motion picture afloat.


A large chunk of Fire in the Sky's main appeal will no doubt come from the "did it happen or didn't it" scenario that is offered to the audience, but unlike some of its brethren, director Robert Lierberman's product has a firm stance of telling you that all of this is absolutely, without question true (insert a Giorgio Tsoukalos quote of your choice). For someone like me, not leaving it up to the audience to decide can be a bit of a disappointment, but when you have to bear witness to what Travis supposedly went through, you will very likely shut your mouth for a few moments. I have managed to sit through a multitude of strange cinematic releases so far this year, including ones that involved a massive, gooey orgy of special effects during its final twenty minutes, and one that included a man committing oral hara-kiri with a pair of scissors. And yet, those could not compare to a haunting, unsettling ten minute-long sequence found in Fire's third act. If ever there was a better depiction of "realistic" kidnapping and experimenting by visitors from beyond the stars, then I've yet to see it. I don't recall the last time that I covered my mouth in disbelief and almost gagged during anything affiliated with science fiction, especially during a movie that is about a subject that very rarely interests me.


The entire event's plausibility withstanding, Fire in the Sky is a pretty fine little picture when you get down to it. While it does seem to not be quite certain about what it wants to be (also classifying it as drama isn't entirely silly to do either), the overall package is fascinating enough to warrant a recommendation. Those who are uncomfortable about situations involving extraterrestrials, especially the ones who share the darker urges and tendencies that some of the worst of humanity also has to offer, could find this more of an uneasy watch than expected. Unless you are willing to drop a pretty penny for the hard-to-find DVD release, your best method of viewing this 1993 piece is to check it out on Amazon Prime.



Or maybe, if you're nice enough to the whackjobs behind Ancient Aliens, they'll lend you one of the thousands of copies that I am positive they have stashed away in their closets.




Tomorrow, we're sticking with the unknown visitors, but at least this time, they might give us a bit of a warning...

Unseen Terror 2015: Day 9

Having been rounded up for a getaway to the wilderness far outside of Los Angeles, California, a host of teens find it difficult to appreciate the wonders of mother nature, no matter what their leaders may say. For starters, there seems to be an uneasy feeling between the "tourists" and the locals, who certainly don't seem like the welcoming type. Even worse, the residents and farmers have been using steroids to accelerate the growth of their marijuana patches. However, perhaps the greatest obstacle that the assortment of outsiders will have to deal with are some of the nasty side effects on the wildlife surrounding the area, particularly the smaller parasitic creatures that we refer to as "ticks."



Okay, I'll confess that isn't my first viewing of 1993's straight-to-video schlockfest Ticks, a.k.a. Infested. However, much like last year's review of Rodan, I hadn't touched this one since I was very young, though I vividly remember seeing this a couple of times on channels like the USA Network and the original Showtime Network. Whatever the case, a rather large chunk of my memory was fuzzy at best, and I happened to catch a replay of Ticks on the latter station (I wish I was making this up) less than a month ago, and hey, that's an easy entry out of the way. Plus, I really had minimal interest in revisiting Leprechaun for the first time since my childhood.


Initially unknown to me, the background to this picture apparently began nearly two decades earlier under a different title, but with presumably the same basic "nature gone wild" theme that proved to be all the rage during that decade (most likely due to some little film about a killer shark). Does this mean that the film feels dated? Not at all. In fact, its dialogue, tone, and even color schemes SCREAM of early 1990s home video releases. Heck, it even has a brief appearance from resident C-lister Clint Howard (Carnosaur, Apollo 13), and for the most part, his entire career's purpose past a certain point was to die on screen. He's like the American equivalent of Sean Bean, though perhaps more distinctive-looking, and I'm not too sure if that's a compliment or not.


There is a surprising amount of recognizable names and faces in Ticks, including Seth Green (Family Guy, Robot Chicken, Buffy The Vampire Slayer) and Alfonso Ribiero (The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, Silver Spoons). I'm well aware that the former looks back at this film as more of a learning experience and rather silly time in his acting career, but before more hardcore horror fans can spit venom his way for seemingly mocking their childhood memories, I ask you this: can you honestly blame him? Consider that before completion, most of the production was focused on making this into a serious scary picture. Instead, director Tony Randel (Hellbound: Hellraiser II) and his crew realized halfway through that the film was going to be a dud no matter what happened, so Green and company just decided to go all out and try to have as much fun as they can amidst the fairly terrible dialogue and absurdly goofy final act.


That isn't to say that Ticks is an awful movie....well, okay, there's certainly a large chunk of the picture that is. While sporting a surprisingly lower body count than I recalled, I was disappointed that what kills we had, be they fully realized or teased, were either derivative of similar films from around the time (Critters 3 and Alien 3 immediately came to mind) or just fairly poor in general. True, there is a lot of goo and gross-out moments to be had that can get under the skin of the more easily squeamish viewers (another thing that I completely forgot about), but outside of one sequence involving the metamorphosis of a giant arachnid, I found myself wanting a little more blood. After all, that's what these little buggers are known for feasting on, are they not? One can't help but chuckle when they crawl and skitter across the walls though, as it sounds eerily similar to the wind-up toys that you would buy as prank gifts when you were younger.


I don't think there's any easy way to say it, but Ticks is a fairly bad movie. It's dumb, somewhat boring whenever the creatures aren't on screen, and full of some hilariously inept or vibrantly stupid performances. But hey, I knew all of this before I had even reached the age of ten when I first saw segments of it on afternoon television blocks. Hence, I can't bring myself to hate this piece of nostalgic cheese, especially since there were far more idiotic and absurd concepts being released to VHS around this time. Sadly, Ticks is currently out of print on both DVD and Blu-Ray, meaning that it goes for a rather high amount of money if you want to buy it. Still, one can always hope to catch a random showing on cable TV, or seek out rips on torrent and streaming sites.



Tomorrow, we dabble with a sequel to one of my favorite Unseen Terror picks of all time...

Unseen Terror 2014: Day 7

One random day, a silent thug named Han-ki notices a beautiful young woman conversing with her boyfriend on the streets. Though she stares at this man as if he were a lowly, filthy dog, he forces himself on to the woman in broad daylight, kissing her intensely while her boyfriend struggles to break up the embrace. With the help of nearby soldiers, she breaks free and he is publicly beaten, and thusly humiliated. Shortly thereafter, Han-ki sets out to ruin her life, eventually forcing her into a life of prostitution. And yet, through all of this sudden darkness and embarrassment, why can he not stop obsessing over and protecting a woman who has wronged him so?


Okay, now THIS was a mistake. Yesterday, I was pleasantly surprised by my viewing of 2010's Bedevilled, a film that one could argue isn't a true horror movie, but more of a thriller. Whatever you choose to call it, the picture was remarkably made and at times, very disturbing. Unlike the former, however, director Kim Ki-duk's Bad Guy, is not a horror movie. At all. The best comparison would be a dark, eerily romantic drama. I will confess to being lead astray and just plain bamboozled when I read the synopsis off of the DVD that I purchased from a now-defunct Blockbuster Video quite some time ago.


So because of that, I feel that I owe those of you taking the time to read any of this year's entries a real horror movie review. And with that, I can just sum this picture up with these next few sentences. The movie is more of a twisted, and yet oddly poetic take on voyeurism and stockholm syndrome, with almost disturbingly realistic portrayals of pimps, gangsters, and whores occupying its cast. It's well-directed and well-acted, though it can be hard to keep up with, especially with how slow it moves. Overall, it seems like one of many pictures that I would have caught years ago at a random screening in an independent theater. You'll either like the film a lot for uniquely provocative and sucking you into a very strange love story, or find it misogynistic, boring, and at times nonsensical. I'll have to get back to you guys in a few days so that I may tell you where I officially stand.



But let's move on to a real horror movie now, shall we?

During a visit to the morgue, a rather ghastly-looking coroner tells us of three different tales of terror for any unexpected visitors who have decided to drop in. The first revolves about a young woman's inaugural night working at her new, mostly isolated gas station job. Our second story focuses on an older man obsessed with keeping what hair he has on the top of his head left, and possibly gaining more, regardless of what the cost may be. Finally, our third segment will take us into the life of a once-promising baseball player who has received an experimental eye transplant after a car accident claimed one of his own, though calling this procedure a "success" might not be the most accurate of descriptions. 


Thank goodness for John Carpenter and Tobe Hooper. Interestingly enough, I had actually planned on viewing their horror anthology Body Bags much later during the month. As my own incompetence would have it though, it shot itself higher up on the list, mostly being used as a remedy and apology for the film above (not that Bad Guy is a terrible film). And besides, even at their absolute worst (*coughVillage of the Damned, The Manglercough*), the masters behind Halloween, The Thing, Poltergeist, and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre among others, can still manage to conjure up something watchable.


Right off the bat, I could tell that Body Bags wasn't meant to be taken too seriously, harking back to classic television shows from the 1980s such as "Tales From the Crypt" and "Tales From the Darkside." Not surprisingly, this was originally pitched to the Showtime Network back in 1993 as a newer horror-based television show, but the channel and its executives at the time decided against picking it up for syndication. This desire and adoration for the aforementioned programs is made all the more present by John Carpenter himself playing our host, covered in three hours' worth of makeup, and only identified as "The Coroner" during the closing credits. He is appropriately kooky, spouting off the occasional one-liner and really corny pun, though thankfully it doesn't become overkill as it would with the now-infamous pop culture icon that we've all come to know as "The Cryptkeeper." Don't get me wrong folks, I respect and dig that ghoulish little freak, but he doesn't exactly age well (pun intended I suppose), and most of the jokes uttered by him age about as well as a moldy bag of fruit.


Moving on and diving into the stories themselves, our first one up is entitled "The Gas Station," which takes place in the fictional town of Haddonfield, Illinois (location of the first Halloween movie!), and revolves around a newly-employed woman being incredibly cautious during her first night at work, especially after her fellow coworker has informed her of a serial killer having broken out recently. Despite some decent blood and makeup work, and the cinematography helping convey a good sense of paranoia, the first segment is honestly the weakest of the three. It's a bit too formulaic and predictable, coming across as something from a leftover weekend writing session. Hell, it even features a small sequence of Carpenter recycling his own material (Halloween's blurred "fake out" shot), which is just odd to behold coming from someone of this caliber. Mostly skippable.


I can most likely discuss "Hair" and "Eye," the final two segments in Body Bags, within this same paragraph. Both feature our recognizable leads (Stacy Keach, Mark Hamill) receiving transplants that seem out of the ordinary (a hairpiece, an eyeball), both feature said leads' girlfriends and/or wives initially becoming marveled with the miracles of modern science, if not a little upset after some time has passed and their personalities have become slightly warped, and both stories lead to shocking revelations about where these new body parts emigrated from. Though I think that both of the final pieces of this compilation are worthwhile and adequately made, "Hair" takes the gold medal as the most entertaining story, solely based on Stacy Keach's delightfully fun and amusing performance as a man who marginally resembled my own father (at least during the height of his "rock and roll" period), but is far more frightened of going bald than any person that I've ever known. His doctor is played by the always excellent David Warner, who could read excrement from the likes of Danielle Steel and still make it sound awesome. Mark Hamill is the lead in "Eye," and he isn't too shabby either given that he has to convey many more emotions than Keach does during his tale, but I have to deduct points from it for one single thing: I have never, EVER wanted to see Luke Skywalker's bare naked ass. Thank you gentlemen. I'll go wash my eyes out with bleach and napalm now.


One more positive about this fun little anthology is its abundance of notable cameos, particularly from the horror and "cult" film genres. I wouldn't have a problem disclosing some of them now, but I have invested far too much time tonight watching films and working at my store. Okay, that's a fancy way of me saying that I'm very tired and want to go to sleep as soon as humanly possible. It's disappointing that Body Bags didn't make the cut for Showtime and become a regular, recurring show for them. It's even worse that we never saw a followup feature with more assorted stories. But for now, you can enjoy the film free of charge on internet sites such as Youtube. And if you end up grabbing a bag of popcorn, a twelve pack of beer, and a few open-minded friends, you can even order the recently-released Blu-Ray of the film from any retail store or internet shopping network, complete with interviews and several commentary tracks!



But as I said above, you'll have to look at Mark Hamill's behind. And in HD for that matter. *shudder*



Tomorrow, I ignore a motion picture's own advice, as I choose to view Don't Go In The Woods!

Unseen Terror 2013: Day 26

When the men and women of the small town of Pebbles Court begin to receive doses and pills for a new "supplement" pill in the mail, they take it with no qualms and objections. Nicknamed "Vimuville," the pill has been produced in order to produce a better breed of human beings. There are, however, side effects and different "stages" for the subject . The first, is hallucinations. The second, is potential organ failure. The third, is deterioration and deformation of the body.


Within literally ten seconds, I see that Australia's Body Melt is distributed by "Dumb Films," and if that doesn't set the tone for the remaining eighty minutes to come, then I can assure you that nothing will. I'm also subtly reminded that I need to desperately expand my "Ozploitation," or in layman's terms, Australian exploitation, motion picture repertoire. So far, I can recall seeing this and the very underrated killer boar picture Razorback, but not much else beyond that. This needs to change within the next year or two.


There's a very satirical edge to this film, be it in the focus on perfectionism with the "pill" that causes the eventual title effect, or the very odd side plot with two dopey young men encountering a small group of inbreds and essentially running into the story of a different type of horror film. As fun as it is, there isn't a great deal of plot beyond some scattershot stuff here and there. In fact, I don't really believe our "protagonists" were even given much in the way of backgrounds, and with the fact things are structured, you could make the argument that it feels like a collection of shorts pieced together based around one subject rather than one, coherent, cohesive story.


Viewers with a fear of decay or a fear of needles will naturally steer clear based on this title alone, but even for those with cast iron stomachs, the content found throughout certainly doesn't help matters. Even with its modestly low budget, some of the ways that people are dispatched of in Body Melt could give Peter Jackson's earliest works like Bad Taste and Braindead a run for their money in the department of disgusting, with the filmmakers' admiration for the man being very apparent. But, you do have to suffer through a fairly nonsensical plot (for what one there is) and a lot of boredom in order to get there, and unlike Jackson's works, the humor inserted and shot into the film just isn't that strong. The best bits are provided by the very off-putting family of inbreds mentioned above, but their entire side story feels like it wasn't even necessary in the end. In fact, most of the decisions for placement of humor, for as little as it is used, and the heavy emphasis on blood and guts and not much more, makes the movie come across like a group of blood-hungry fanatics making something for the sake of having a "gore fest" under their belts. It isn't necessarily a bad thing, but I get the feeling that if these folks could have predicted the future and foreseen something such as Youtube coming about, this would have made a killing there, such as the "Le Bagman" short from all those years ago because it was "so nasty," but for nothing else.


Lastly, Body Melt could house the most inappropriate soundtrack I've ever heard in my entire life, with an absolutely absurd mixture of techno and early to mid 90s-era instrumental alternative rock. Writer/Director Philip Brophy is lucky that juggernauts U2 are presumably not horror movie fans, as nearly everything in the latter category sounds directly ripped from their early 1990s works, and they most likely would have flipped out and tried to sue someone. True, this probably could have helped the movie turn into a box office monster, but still. In the end, I'm not entirely sure what to make of this one. There is some great, repugnant gore to be found here, especially considering the budget, but not much beyond that. It's worth a watch, but nobody would blame you for actually giving into temptation and just "skipping to the best parts."



Tomorrow (or today), we're keeping it messy with THE DEADLY SPAWN!