Unseen Terror 2018: Day 2

A crew of mercenaries head out across the South China Sea in hopes of robbing a prominent cruise ship called the Argonautica, which is owned by millionaire Simon Canton. As soon as the barge is set for sail, it suddenly comes into contact with a large, unknown object in the water. Shortly afterwards, the crew of hijackers approach the Argonautica, preparing to sink the large vessel as soon as their job is done. Upon arrival, however, there seems to be no sign of the passengers and discover nothing but blood on board. Those who have survived band together with these intruders to combat something out of the ordinary that has surfaced from deep within the waters: hideous, tentacled worm-like monstrosities with an appetite for human flesh.



Prior to my first time viewing, I had very few memories of Deep Rising's mere existence. It seemed lost in the shuffle with other "natural horror" films from around the time such as Lake Placid and Anaconda. Those of you who know me are well aware of my love for most things related to this subgenre, be they from the states or from overseas. There's something so utterly fun about watching humanity constantly struggle with (un)earthly creatures that are hellbent on either eating us or smashing all of our cities beneath their feet. Unfortunately, I wish that Deep Rising could be held in the highest regards with other heavyweights in these categories, but there is just so much working against this film that I came out rather frustrated.


Unlike a lot of natural horror from throughout the decades, Deep Rising doesn't seem completely aware that it's a B movie. It fails to take full advantage of the very silly concept by making the audience think that everything uttered by our protagonists seemed important. Even the goofiest moments of flicks like Anaconda seemed self-aware that they weren't exactly making a motion picture of high quality and ultimately told those in attendance "okay, let's just go with it. Go grab a pint." Here, most of this movie is taking the material so seriously and notable director Stephen Sommers fails to recognize most of the horror aspects. Nothing really feels scary, and the hideous late 90s CGI prevents the audience from being able to enjoy what practical effects and props that there are.


Deep Rising's biggest weakness comes in the form of the "characters." I have to use quotes there, because most of the cast barely constitute as those. Treat Williams (Dead Heat, Hair), Famke Janssen (X-Men, Goldeneye), Cliff Curtis (Fear the Walking Dead), Not-Nick Nolte (Anthony Heald of Silence of the Lambs fame), and nearly everyone here that you can find on IMDB are undoubtedly talented performers, but with the combination of a weak script and very little time spent getting to know or sympathize with them, you just don't find anybody worth rooting or caring for. There's admittedly a good chunk of people who will say that such a thing isn't a big problem for a movie about something beneath the sea slaughtering people, but I will always look to Jaws as an argument for why strong characters matter in flicks like these. There is however one memorable character among the bunch, and he ends up being the very worst component of this film. Director Stephen Sommers has a tendency to cast Kevin J. O'Connor in most of his projects, including follow-up pictures such as The Mummy and Van Helsing. Similar to those efforts, O'Connor's "Joey" is beyond irritating, but unlike his roles in those two releases, they want the audience to root for him during its entire duration. He's like Private Hudson of Aliens fame, only without any moments of being able to delve into badassery, which just results in him being a whiney nuisance. Speaking of the James Cameron classic, the similarities between this property and that one are surprisingly more abundant than any newcomer will expect. I won't go into every little aspect since it would take up too much of this review, but let's just say that the only thing missing was a little girl to accompany the crew.


There is potential hidden within Deep Rising to be a truly fun cheesy action/horror hybrid. I did fail to mention some above average bloodshed and some fairly decent makeup work courtesy of Rob Bottin (The Thing, Robocop), but I just couldn't fully get on board with it. It feels like a precursor to all of those awful SyFy channel movies from the mid-2000s and beyond (its mediocrity may be the reason as to why this never received any sequels). Unless you're a completist of all things 90s, then I wouldn't strongly recommend this one. As of this moment, there is a packed Blu-ray available from Kino Lorber, and as of now, you can also view it on streaming services such as HBO Go.



Or you can just go watch 1977's Tentacles instead.


Wait, that one is worse.


Erm....maybe you should just watch a BBC documentary.



Tomorrow, the monster parade continues with an obscure release from Toho !

Unseen Terror 2017: Day 15 & 16

If I can be so eloquent, piecing together this marathon often gets to be a real pain in the ass. Sometimes your initial choices get removed from the services that are at your disposal (a.k.a. Netflix and Amazon Prime) and you are required to do some reshuffling. The fifteenth entry was supposed to be 1988's 976-EVIL, a flick that marked the directing debut of beloved horror icon Robert Englund (A Nightmare on Elm Street). Instead, due to strange circumstances, it's being pushed back to a later date, if not being removed entirely. While I wouldn't call it a necessity on my list for this year, I still don't like having to do such things. Thankfully, to quote Mr. Paul Levesque, there's always a "Plan B."

If you stopped in at Unseen Terror two years ago, you'll recall when I revisited a relic from the 1990s in the form of Fox Kids' Goosebumps adaptations. Digging up a few older episodes for reviewing did make for quite an experience, and I didn't say that I wouldn't be down for more viewings down the line. As luck would have it, the series is still up on Netflix (as is the entertaining feature film from 2015), so I decided to take the plunge again. First up was It Came From Beneath the Sink, which revolves around a young girl whose family has moved into a new house that harbors an unwanted guest: an evil sponge that seems to cause bad luck to anyone that comes into contact with it. The concept isn't a terrible one, and the cast, particularly a very young Katharine Isabelle (Ginger Snaps, American Mary, Freddy vs. Jason) seem to be having a good time. I did find great amusement in trying to figure out if one of them managed to sneak in a "fuck" around the five-or-so minute mark. There's also a portion in the second half which feels like an homage to Joe Dante's Gremlins when they take the sponge (which resembles something that you'd create for your own self-released horror flick) to a teacher for examination, but I get the feeling that it was mere coincidence rather than tribute. It's quite a cheesy story overall, but it doesn't make for a bad watch.

Be Careful What You Wish For is essentially a pre-teen retelling of The Monkey's Paw, which is an old supernatural story that has been done in everything ranging from The Simpsons to Wishmaster to Rick & Morty. The core plot consists of the relatively-unpopular Samantha helping an old fortune teller home one day after school, and the kindly woman decides to gift the young girl with three wishes of her choice, though they will not be without consequences. Unlike most of the Goosebumps book series, the was one of the few installments that I never read as a kid. Our lead actress is Melody Johnson (Jason X), whose clumsy, awkward character Samantha feels a bit too gullible and flat for any first time watchers to identify with. I'm sure that she's a perfectly fine actress and person in general, but she just doesn't pack the charisma or enthusiasm to keep this one afloat. Ellen-Ray Hennessy (of Alf fame) as the gypsy is decent enough for the brief time that she's on screen, but her presence can't seem to keep it out of the "meh" pile. I have heard that the source material has a drastically different ending, and I would certainly hope so considering it felt like the producers of the show wanted this to end on as optimistic of a note as possible. This is ultimately one that you can skip.

No, your eyes don't deceive you. That is Colin Mochrie of Whose Line is it Anyway? fame in that picture. Is he a focal point of the episode titled Bad Hare Day? No, he is not. In fact, he's only in the piece for approximately five seconds, and to make matters stranger, he is uncredited. Unfortunately, he's about the only thing worth remembering about this, which revolves around a kid who sneaks out to see a man named Amazo (sure hope DC Comics didn't sue R.L. Stine for that), who happens to be his favorite magician. While at the show, he discovers that the man who he looks up to may be a bit of a fraud, and secretly steals his case of tricks. Yet another future cast member involved with the Friday the 13th franchise is our lead here (Dov Tiefenbach of Jason X), and with three in this double entry so far, this feels like the beginning of a running gag. Despite his best efforts, he can't seem to hold a candle to David Ferry of The Boondock Saints fame as a loudmouthed rabbit who may or may not be holding secrets of his own after our protagonist accidentally frees him. That praise aside, this is another episode that is just reveling in too much mediocrity, and most of the dialogue is pretty darn stupid. Bad Hare Day is a bit of a tossup, but at least it tries to have some fun.

On the other hand, the two part entry titled The Werewolf of Fever Swamp is a far cry from fun, but it shouldn't have to be considering that it feels the most akin to an actual horror film. The plot follows a kid named Grady, whose family has recently moved into a new house in the titular Fever Swamp. He quickly befriends another child named Will, and even takes in a new dog that the family comes across. But when a series of grisly animal murders begin to occur, suspicion arises that something, or someone is out there causing all of this trouble, and the signs point to Grady's new pet. I have some familiarity with Werewolf, as when I was much younger, I was equally creeped out by the filmed and printed formats of its story. After the second part concluded, I believe that there are several good reasons why. The set pieces and atmosphere are surprisingly moody and well shot, which is shocking considering that there have been moments where the show looked remarkably cheap. Werewolf also has far more handling on the subject of death, which around this time seemed to big no-no for television programs primarily aimed towards younger audiences (look to the absolutely butchered run of Dragon Ball Z as an example). Truth be told, there's a great deal of effort put into the entire product, including the acting (Brendan Fletcher's casting means that we have FOUR future Friday victims) and the patient, "whodunit" vibe that hints at one particular 1980s lycanthropic gem. The twist in the final act is fairly easy to predict if you're a longtime veteran or connoisseur of the genre, but it's a minor complaint about an otherwise solid entry in the show's run. Oh, and there's a great jump scare at the end too.



So, that will do it for Goosebumps. Now, we can move on to the meat and potatoes of the other day's entry.

Aged antique shop owner Jesus Gris notices that one of his pieces is unusually hollow, and once it breaks open, bugs begin to crawl out. He discovers that inside of this tiny statue lies a strange, metallic mechanical object that resembles some sort of arachnid. After winding it up, it suddenly clamps onto his hand and pierces his skin with a mysterious needle, of which he forcefully removes. Thinking nothing of it, he patches up the wound, but slowly begins to notice changes in his health. Yes, his wrinkles are disappearing and his libido has been lifted, but there are also unwanted new additions. He seems to be put off by the sight of the sun, and is drawn to the appearance, smell, and taste of blood. Meanwhile, a fragile old baron and his nephew have been searching far and wide for a device that potentially holds the key to eternal life, but at a terrible cost.

For an amount of years that even I can not keep count of, Guillermo del Toro's debut effort Cronos never quite made it onto my watchlist. I harbor an immense amount of respect for the Mexican director and feel like I could listen to him talk for hours about pretty much anything. His unbridled passion and love of cinema feels so genuine, and seeing his various influences converge into one massive picture after another usually results in outstanding success. But Cronos isn't really a gigantic movie. In fact, it's pretty darn small when you factor in its cost and scale.

If you couldn't quite figure it out from the synopsis above, Cronos is a different take on the vampire mythos, but with some different kind of handling. The influence of prolific directors such as David Cronenberg can be felt throughout, especially during elements that borrow from the "body horror" genre (of which I know GDT is an outspoken fan of). The fear of unknown influences drastically altering our physical being, which in turn severely affects our mental state, is something that is so easy for we as simple human beings to be afraid of. Jesus (played brilliantly by veteran actor Federico Luppi) does briefly experience joy when he realizes that he's sluggishly transforming into a more robust person, but his disbelief over what has been occurring within him shines through rather quickly as well, especially during his interactions with family members. There's a strong sense of sadness and tragedy that permeates throughout Cronos that feels like a throwback and love letter to old gothic literature, which is rather fitting considering some interpretations of Dracula have portrayed him as such a figure.

While I do have to give props to Luppi for his performance as the elderly cursed protagonist, the rest of the cast shouldn't be overlooked. Ron Perlman (Hellboy, Sons of Anarchy) plays the brutish nephew of the aforementioned businessman (Claudio Brook, who would pass away two years after Cronos' release), whose knowledge of the insect-like contraption could prove to be very useful for a myriad of reasons. The two of them make for delightful, but not entirely inhuman or insensitive villains. Young Tamara Shanath portrays Jesus' mute granddaughter, and considering that she isn't allowed to speak throughout the entire project, she does a standup job with her facial and body expressions alone. Other aspects of Cronos shine brightly as well, including a stupendous score from Javier Alvarez and excellent cinematography from Guillermo Navarro, who would continue to work with del Toro until 2013 and even assist Robert Rodriguez on pictures such as From Dusk til Dawn and Desperado. I suppose that if I have to pick out one very small complaint, it would be that everyone throughout the flick seems to just naturally understand one another, no matter what the language may be. But hell, if Star Wars can get away with this, then why not a film involving someone licking blood off of a bathroom floor?

Cronos is an easy highlight of Unseen Terror so far, and one of the most original takes on the bloodsucking monsters that I've seen in a very long time. Considering that this was Guillermo del Toro's debut effort, you somehow feel as though we are watching a veteran at work. I sincerely hope that this movie reaches more audiences over the years, as I think its uniqueness is rather salubrious. Currently, Filmstruck has Cronos available for streaming, but I would strongly suggest that you just purchase the gorgeous and packed Blu-ray release from Criterion from any website of your choosing.

Just make sure that you don't end up accidentally purchasing the paintball gun with a similar-sounding name. That will probably cause you more pain and won't have nearly as much replay value.

Tomorrow, we are sticking with non-American cinema and set out in search of a loved one in France!

Unseen Terror 2015: Day 14

Before you read this review, I'd like to take a quick second to give a special shoutout to someone. That person would be Mr. Chuck Dowling, who also partakes in the grueling, though often fun process to marathon thirty one movies within the month of October. If you like to peruse that haven which primarily consists of cat and dumb teenager videos that is known as Youtube, check out his channel right HERE. You can also follow the man on twitter or check out his fun little podcast that covers the cream of the crap known as The Bad Movie Fiends.


Anyways, one of the main reasons that I wanted to acknowledge this certain gentleman is because last year, he reviewed a handful of episodes from the classic weekly horror anthology known as Tales From The Crypt. Incidentally, I figured that perusing an old nostalgic program could be a good idea for this year's list, although it isn't my most original scheme whatsoever. True, it can be considered cheating to take a detour and watch a television show instead of an actual motion picture, but hell, this is my blog, and I can do what I like thank you very much. Also, most of the pictures released in 1998 that I could cover are ones that I've seen far too many times as it is (there is nothing interesting that I can say about The Faculty, Ringu, or Bride Of Chucky that hasn't already been uttered by anybody with a pulse).

In less than thirty hours, a big screen tribute to author R.L. Stine's Goosebumps books will make its way to theaters across the nation. Though I admittedly have very little memory of the novels themselves, I do recall reading a good chunk of them in my youth, so my interest is most certainly piqued. Oddly enough, I legitimately forgot that there was a TV show already based on these works that ran for roughly three years. Perhaps I had erased most of it from my mind, and that was most likely due to having lost most of my interest in the Goosebumps universe by the time that this hit the air. Hell, when you're a curious preteen, the realization that you can sneak in viewings of stuff like Friday The 13th and Stephen King adaptations makes these look quite tame in comparison. Still, most of the years in which I've done Unseen Terror have consisted of occasional revisits to my childhood, even if some entries are flicks that I probably should have first viewed during my youthful ignorance. So, let's take a gander at some select episodes and hope that they age like fine convenience store wine.

The Haunted Mask is (debatably) Stine's most infamous work to wield the Goosebumps name, and the first of his books to be adapted for the series (the bloody thing even had its own separate premiere). It concerns a young girl named Carly Beth (whose name must've been spoken or yelled about forty times within less than an hour) who is constantly pranked or frightened by her more rambunctious friends. To prepare for Halloween night, she sneaks into an old party store, and steals a grotesque-looking mask, hoping that she can utilize it to scare everyone who has bothered her as of late. You can probably guess where this story goes from here. I do recall the cover to The Haunted Mask being something that stands out like a sore thumb, but the disguise utilized for this two part episode doesn't look too terrible, especially when you imagine that they still have to keep it safe for kids. I don't feel good critiquing the acting for this one (save for Stine, whose intro to the episode made you wonder if he was trying to channel Steven Wright on quaaludes), but it didn't exactly reek of future employment for any of the younger members of the cast. It'll make for a passable watch if you have children of your own, but that's about it.

One of my personal favorites that I used to check out from the library, A Shocker On Shock Street revolves around a boy and girl who are fanatical about a brand of motion pictures released under the "Shock Street" banner. As luck would have it, the latter's father happens to be working on a new attraction revolving around this these themes, and they are asked to be test subjects, so that the designers may ensure that nothing will go awry. Of course, kids are gonna be kids, so they decide to (literally) step outside of their boundaries, and bad things occur. Though it lacks the presence of giant praying mantises that its source material had, Shocker makes for an acceptably good time, especially since you can relate to these two whippersnappers. After all, who wouldn't be excited if something similar to this popped up, but with real life studios such as Troma Entertainment or Toho? Add on a fairly nice twist during its conclusion, and you've got something that shouldn't have been as entertaining as it was.




Unfortunately, I wish that I could say the same for The Blob That Ate Everyone, which may have been my only legitimate disappointment out of the gaggle of Goosebumps episodes that I watched. A young man named Zack loves to pen and read scary stories, and when he and his friend Alex come across a dilapidated store that's been ravaged by lightning, they stumble upon an old typewriter that intrigues the aspiring writer. With the permission of the contraption's previous owner, they take it back to Zack's abode, giving him new inspiration. However, with every new sentence that is typed on the device, things that are pondered begin to become a reality. The concept behind Blob is fairly interesting, and even the titular creature itself doesn't look TOO mediocre, but because it's a standalone, singular installment, it feels horribly rushed and confined. Turning this one into a two-parter would've been a much wiser decision, especially since the ending from the source material was inarguably more memorable. Just make sure that when or if you're searching for this one online, your naive child doesn't accidentally stumble across the 1988 iteration of The Blob instead.

Chuck Russell's "The Blob" is NOT for kids. Unless your kid is a bad, fearless motherfucker.

Creator R.L. Stine has reportedly gone on record stating that The Cuckoo Clock Of Doom is his own personal favorite Goosebumps tale, and it isn't hard to see why. Michael Webster is constantly being harassed and framed for troublesome incidents by his little sister Tara, who always feigns innocence around their parents. After his twelfth birthday, wherein his sibling ruins nearly every fun moment to be had, he's convinced that things will never get any better. When his father brings home an old, long-admired cuckoo clock, he urges that nobody touch the antique out of fear that something will be broken (that and some little ditty about a possible curse). Michael decides to tamper with the relic, keeping his fingers crossed that the blame will be thrust upon Tara for once. When he wakes up the next morning, he is befuddled to find out that he has gone back to the date of his previous birthday party, and that he may have created a time vortex which could lead to his own erasure from existence. Yes, the debate about how often time travel is going to bring genuine terror to horror audiences is most likely never going to end, but Cuckoo is still a finely told tale that could have easily made for a decent full-length feature film (if any budget was handed out of course), though its shockingly nihilistic, ambiguous ending could cause some parents to take their kids aside and tell them not to listen to or be influenced by what they just saw. Hmm....in terms of getting them introduced to the darker side of media, maybe that's actually a good thing.

I recall Monster Blood having several sequels in the realm of literature, but was unaware that rather than wait another season or two to do a direct followup, it did one immediately afterwards for its live action reworking. Seeing as how both installments differ drastically in terms of setting, it would have been much easier to review this tale of a kid who discovers a case of green goo nicknamed "monster blood" in his strange aunt's room that much easier. The primary tale has a slightly more mystic theme to it, with the origins of the titular slime being steeped more in magic than in science. It also has some acting that could be on par with the very worst of early 2000s pictures like Dungeons & Dragons. Still, it's corny enough to warrant a thumbs up. The next installment, appropriately titled More Monster Blood, was sadly not based on any previously existing material, but it's a lot more amusing than one would think it'd be. Its thirty minutes feel more akin to a homage to The Blob than the aforementioned tale that shares the creature's name. It's got the power to expand exponentially, it's a tad bit on the gross side, and the acting is just as hokey as it was in the 1958 feature. Why, even the slop that is the monster blood itself looks eerily similar to the green screen effect from nearly sixty years ago. I would have preferred to see Stine's sixteenth novel get the small screen treatment (solely so that I could watch a giant hamster on my computer), but these make for good times regardless.


So yeah, my trip down the memory lane that was Goosebumps wrapped up with mixed results, but honestly, I don't know that I expected anything else. Did it deter me from wanting to take a trip to the movie theater sometime this weekend? Absolutely not. If anything, my only conclusion that I reached after sitting through several hours of this very distinctively Canadian production was this: the 90s were a weird time to be a horror fan, no matter the age range.



Tomorrow, we're notably leaving the realm of material meant for children, and heading right back to dumb teenagers doing dumb teenage things. Well, if you count having a possessed body part that kills other human beings as "dumb....."