If I can be so eloquent, piecing together this marathon often gets to be a real pain in the ass. Sometimes your initial choices get removed from the services that are at your disposal (a.k.a. Netflix and Amazon Prime) and you are required to do some reshuffling. The fifteenth entry was supposed to be 1988's 976-EVIL, a flick that marked the directing debut of beloved horror icon Robert Englund (A Nightmare on Elm Street). Instead, due to strange circumstances, it's being pushed back to a later date, if not being removed entirely. While I wouldn't call it a necessity on my list for this year, I still don't like having to do such things. Thankfully, to quote Mr. Paul Levesque, there's always a "Plan B."
If you stopped in at Unseen Terror two years ago, you'll recall when I revisited a relic from the 1990s in the form of Fox Kids' Goosebumps adaptations. Digging up a few older episodes for reviewing did make for quite an experience, and I didn't say that I wouldn't be down for more viewings down the line. As luck would have it, the series is still up on Netflix (as is the entertaining feature film from 2015), so I decided to take the plunge again. First up was It Came From Beneath the Sink, which revolves around a young girl whose family has moved into a new house that harbors an unwanted guest: an evil sponge that seems to cause bad luck to anyone that comes into contact with it. The concept isn't a terrible one, and the cast, particularly a very young Katharine Isabelle (Ginger Snaps, American Mary, Freddy vs. Jason) seem to be having a good time. I did find great amusement in trying to figure out if one of them managed to sneak in a "fuck" around the five-or-so minute mark. There's also a portion in the second half which feels like an homage to Joe Dante's Gremlins when they take the sponge (which resembles something that you'd create for your own self-released horror flick) to a teacher for examination, but I get the feeling that it was mere coincidence rather than tribute. It's quite a cheesy story overall, but it doesn't make for a bad watch.
Be Careful What You Wish For is essentially a pre-teen retelling of The Monkey's Paw, which is an old supernatural story that has been done in everything ranging from The Simpsons to Wishmaster to Rick & Morty. The core plot consists of the relatively-unpopular Samantha helping an old fortune teller home one day after school, and the kindly woman decides to gift the young girl with three wishes of her choice, though they will not be without consequences. Unlike most of the Goosebumps book series, the was one of the few installments that I never read as a kid. Our lead actress is Melody Johnson (Jason X), whose clumsy, awkward character Samantha feels a bit too gullible and flat for any first time watchers to identify with. I'm sure that she's a perfectly fine actress and person in general, but she just doesn't pack the charisma or enthusiasm to keep this one afloat. Ellen-Ray Hennessy (of Alf fame) as the gypsy is decent enough for the brief time that she's on screen, but her presence can't seem to keep it out of the "meh" pile. I have heard that the source material has a drastically different ending, and I would certainly hope so considering it felt like the producers of the show wanted this to end on as optimistic of a note as possible. This is ultimately one that you can skip.
No, your eyes don't deceive you. That is Colin Mochrie of Whose Line is it Anyway? fame in that picture. Is he a focal point of the episode titled Bad Hare Day? No, he is not. In fact, he's only in the piece for approximately five seconds, and to make matters stranger, he is uncredited. Unfortunately, he's about the only thing worth remembering about this, which revolves around a kid who sneaks out to see a man named Amazo (sure hope DC Comics didn't sue R.L. Stine for that), who happens to be his favorite magician. While at the show, he discovers that the man who he looks up to may be a bit of a fraud, and secretly steals his case of tricks. Yet another future cast member involved with the Friday the 13th franchise is our lead here (Dov Tiefenbach of Jason X), and with three in this double entry so far, this feels like the beginning of a running gag. Despite his best efforts, he can't seem to hold a candle to David Ferry of The Boondock Saints fame as a loudmouthed rabbit who may or may not be holding secrets of his own after our protagonist accidentally frees him. That praise aside, this is another episode that is just reveling in too much mediocrity, and most of the dialogue is pretty darn stupid. Bad Hare Day is a bit of a tossup, but at least it tries to have some fun.
On the other hand, the two part entry titled The Werewolf of Fever Swamp is a far cry from fun, but it shouldn't have to be considering that it feels the most akin to an actual horror film. The plot follows a kid named Grady, whose family has recently moved into a new house in the titular Fever Swamp. He quickly befriends another child named Will, and even takes in a new dog that the family comes across. But when a series of grisly animal murders begin to occur, suspicion arises that something, or someone is out there causing all of this trouble, and the signs point to Grady's new pet. I have some familiarity with Werewolf, as when I was much younger, I was equally creeped out by the filmed and printed formats of its story. After the second part concluded, I believe that there are several good reasons why. The set pieces and atmosphere are surprisingly moody and well shot, which is shocking considering that there have been moments where the show looked remarkably cheap. Werewolf also has far more handling on the subject of death, which around this time seemed to big no-no for television programs primarily aimed towards younger audiences (look to the absolutely butchered run of Dragon Ball Z as an example). Truth be told, there's a great deal of effort put into the entire product, including the acting (Brendan Fletcher's casting means that we have FOUR future Friday victims) and the patient, "whodunit" vibe that hints at one particular 1980s lycanthropic gem. The twist in the final act is fairly easy to predict if you're a longtime veteran or connoisseur of the genre, but it's a minor complaint about an otherwise solid entry in the show's run. Oh, and there's a great jump scare at the end too.
So, that will do it for Goosebumps. Now, we can move on to the meat and potatoes of the other day's entry.
Aged antique shop owner Jesus Gris notices that one of his pieces is unusually hollow, and once it breaks open, bugs begin to crawl out. He discovers that inside of this tiny statue lies a strange, metallic mechanical object that resembles some sort of arachnid. After winding it up, it suddenly clamps onto his hand and pierces his skin with a mysterious needle, of which he forcefully removes. Thinking nothing of it, he patches up the wound, but slowly begins to notice changes in his health. Yes, his wrinkles are disappearing and his libido has been lifted, but there are also unwanted new additions. He seems to be put off by the sight of the sun, and is drawn to the appearance, smell, and taste of blood. Meanwhile, a fragile old baron and his nephew have been searching far and wide for a device that potentially holds the key to eternal life, but at a terrible cost.
For an amount of years that even I can not keep count of, Guillermo del Toro's debut effort Cronos never quite made it onto my watchlist. I harbor an immense amount of respect for the Mexican director and feel like I could listen to him talk for hours about pretty much anything. His unbridled passion and love of cinema feels so genuine, and seeing his various influences converge into one massive picture after another usually results in outstanding success. But Cronos isn't really a gigantic movie. In fact, it's pretty darn small when you factor in its cost and scale.
If you couldn't quite figure it out from the synopsis above, Cronos is a different take on the vampire mythos, but with some different kind of handling. The influence of prolific directors such as David Cronenberg can be felt throughout, especially during elements that borrow from the "body horror" genre (of which I know GDT is an outspoken fan of). The fear of unknown influences drastically altering our physical being, which in turn severely affects our mental state, is something that is so easy for we as simple human beings to be afraid of. Jesus (played brilliantly by veteran actor Federico Luppi) does briefly experience joy when he realizes that he's sluggishly transforming into a more robust person, but his disbelief over what has been occurring within him shines through rather quickly as well, especially during his interactions with family members. There's a strong sense of sadness and tragedy that permeates throughout Cronos that feels like a throwback and love letter to old gothic literature, which is rather fitting considering some interpretations of Dracula have portrayed him as such a figure.
While I do have to give props to Luppi for his performance as the elderly cursed protagonist, the rest of the cast shouldn't be overlooked. Ron Perlman (Hellboy, Sons of Anarchy) plays the brutish nephew of the aforementioned businessman (Claudio Brook, who would pass away two years after Cronos' release), whose knowledge of the insect-like contraption could prove to be very useful for a myriad of reasons. The two of them make for delightful, but not entirely inhuman or insensitive villains. Young Tamara Shanath portrays Jesus' mute granddaughter, and considering that she isn't allowed to speak throughout the entire project, she does a standup job with her facial and body expressions alone. Other aspects of Cronos shine brightly as well, including a stupendous score from Javier Alvarez and excellent cinematography from Guillermo Navarro, who would continue to work with del Toro until 2013 and even assist Robert Rodriguez on pictures such as From Dusk til Dawn and Desperado. I suppose that if I have to pick out one very small complaint, it would be that everyone throughout the flick seems to just naturally understand one another, no matter what the language may be. But hell, if Star Wars can get away with this, then why not a film involving someone licking blood off of a bathroom floor?
Cronos is an easy highlight of Unseen Terror so far, and one of the most original takes on the bloodsucking monsters that I've seen in a very long time. Considering that this was Guillermo del Toro's debut effort, you somehow feel as though we are watching a veteran at work. I sincerely hope that this movie reaches more audiences over the years, as I think its uniqueness is rather salubrious. Currently, Filmstruck has Cronos available for streaming, but I would strongly suggest that you just purchase the gorgeous and packed Blu-ray release from Criterion from any website of your choosing.
Just make sure that you don't end up accidentally purchasing the paintball gun with a similar-sounding name. That will probably cause you more pain and won't have nearly as much replay value.
Tomorrow, we are sticking with non-American cinema and set out in search of a loved one in France!
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