Unseen Terror 2017: Day 13

It's November 5, 1975, and logger Travis Walton is heading to his job with his assorted friends and coworkers. A typical day goes by, but when the men travel back home, they encounter a strange, seemingly foreign object in the sky. Walton gets out of his vehicle to observe it up close, but is suddenly hit by a blinding ray of light, which sends him flying backwards. The others retreat, fearing that Travis has been killed, but when Mike Rogers, one of the man's closer cohorts, goes back to investigate and retrieve his body, it is nowhere to be found. Thus begins a five day-long search for Travis, who most of the town in which he resided believe has been simply murdered. Others, such as Mike and the rest of the men present that night, stick to their belief that foul play of the otherworld-type was involved, and the latter's beliefs may be confirmed when Mike is the recipient of a strange phone call one evening from someone claiming to be Travis...



So, we're thirteen days into this darn thing, and aliens haven't made a single appearance yet? I guess that has to change. 1993's Fire in the Sky is a movie that I'm mostly familiar with due to assorted YouTube clips that were floating around for a number of years before they were taken down by the powers that be (don't search for them unless you have no issue with most of its core moments being spoiled). Despite my lack of interest in exploring the unknown and headache-inducing UFO studies & conspiracies, I can still enjoy a fun picture about them from time to time if enough effort is put into the project itself. 


I do feel as if I was slightly deceived by my prior knowledge of Fire in the Sky though, as there is a very strong case to be made about why this can't truly qualify as a horror movie. Sure, the core concept of alien abduction and the paranoia that it instills in everyone involved with it is quite the characteristic for pictures of the more terrifying variety, but save for something that I will discuss in the next paragraph below, most of Fire in the Sky is a very slow burn, moving more like a drawn-out mystery rather than a full-fledged horror flick. Some people might find this to be very distracting or disappointing, but I had no qualms with it whatsoever. When you take into account that this is supposedly based on true events, you do find yourself a little more drawn and stuck to the film, wanting to conduct some research yourself after the credits have rolled. Plus, getting to know or possibly care for your main cast is something that I don't frown upon, especially when you have such a solid list of performers at your service. Our poor unfortunate abductee is portrayed by Life as We Know It star D.B. Sweeney, and considering that he's absent for most of Fire's second act, he still manages to garner a lot of sympathy. He's a blue collar individual with a good heart, and when we see him (literally) return to Earth, the amount of sheer horror that he manages to project with his body language and facial expressions makes you feel as if you're there with him, and you just want to give the guy a hug. His concerned coworkers are also fairly easy to identify with, especially Robert Patrick (Terminator 2: Judgement Day, The Faculty), who gives a solid enough performance that it actually led to him being cast in another alien-related property many years later. Craig Sheffer (Nightbreed, One Tree Hill), Henry Thomas (E.T.), and Peter Berg (Shocker) also pop up in in the cast, but I couldn't for the life of me remember anything about their characters. Nobile Willingham of Walker: Texas Ranger fame also has a supporting role as a somewhat clichéd sheriff, whose primary reason for existing seemed to be as the overseeing skeptic of the group. A big cavalcade of people, sure, but their experience and tenure help to keep the motion picture afloat.


A large chunk of Fire in the Sky's main appeal will no doubt come from the "did it happen or didn't it" scenario that is offered to the audience, but unlike some of its brethren, director Robert Lierberman's product has a firm stance of telling you that all of this is absolutely, without question true (insert a Giorgio Tsoukalos quote of your choice). For someone like me, not leaving it up to the audience to decide can be a bit of a disappointment, but when you have to bear witness to what Travis supposedly went through, you will very likely shut your mouth for a few moments. I have managed to sit through a multitude of strange cinematic releases so far this year, including ones that involved a massive, gooey orgy of special effects during its final twenty minutes, and one that included a man committing oral hara-kiri with a pair of scissors. And yet, those could not compare to a haunting, unsettling ten minute-long sequence found in Fire's third act. If ever there was a better depiction of "realistic" kidnapping and experimenting by visitors from beyond the stars, then I've yet to see it. I don't recall the last time that I covered my mouth in disbelief and almost gagged during anything affiliated with science fiction, especially during a movie that is about a subject that very rarely interests me.


The entire event's plausibility withstanding, Fire in the Sky is a pretty fine little picture when you get down to it. While it does seem to not be quite certain about what it wants to be (also classifying it as drama isn't entirely silly to do either), the overall package is fascinating enough to warrant a recommendation. Those who are uncomfortable about situations involving extraterrestrials, especially the ones who share the darker urges and tendencies that some of the worst of humanity also has to offer, could find this more of an uneasy watch than expected. Unless you are willing to drop a pretty penny for the hard-to-find DVD release, your best method of viewing this 1993 piece is to check it out on Amazon Prime.



Or maybe, if you're nice enough to the whackjobs behind Ancient Aliens, they'll lend you one of the thousands of copies that I am positive they have stashed away in their closets.




Tomorrow, we're sticking with the unknown visitors, but at least this time, they might give us a bit of a warning...

Unseen Terror 2014: Day 8

Two young couples set out for a weekend getaway in the wilderness, back-packing together and camping whenever they feel the need to stop. Unbeknownst to the four, a crazed and demented killer is brutally murdering anyone who dares to set foot in the woods. Soon, the adults will have to fight for their lives against this enigmatic stranger.

After at least fifteen minutes of Don't Go In The Woods (known in some circles as Don't Go In The Woods…Alone!) had passed, a single, solitary thought popped into my head: will I remember any of this a year from my initial viewing, or worse yet, twenty four hours from now? In the realm of cinema, there is nothing worse than a forgettable film, regardless of the genre and the year that it was produced and made. Out of curiosity, I glanced at its overall rating on imdb.com. 

It was a 3.5 out of 10. 

Suddenly, I regretted my decision to press play.

Before I jot down my (very) brief thoughts on this splatterfest, I feel the need to apologize yet again. This time, however, it is for the fact that I simply can not type up a more detailed description of this picture's synopsis. Even by slasher standards, it's too basic and just plain dull. None of our heroes or side characters have any distinguishable personality traits (or acting abilities for that matter) and there's a good chance that they were randomly picked off of the street by the head of the casting department. Hell, they can't even scream well when some of them are being hacked to bits.

It's no wonder than director James Bryan went on to primarily direct skin flicks and/or adult movies after Woods was panned as horribly as it was. While I'm sure that he's a nice individual in real life, he can not for the life of him helm or command a horror film, even a B-grade one. The seven individuals running and mixing the sound don't help things either, as they make every single tourist and law enforcement official sound like they are either whispering or yelling constantly. My cut of Don't Go In The Woods also forsakes the use of a soundtrack (though I've heard that I may have been watching a different cut), and boy does it not help cure your boredom. These choices almost make you forget about how awful of a job those in charge of lighting and cinematography were doing too, until you realize that every kill (save for two admittedly decent-looking scenes involving a bear trap and an art canvas) is too darkly lit and frantically, sloppily shot. I wasn't sure exactly how this Quest For Fire reject that you call a killer was killing each victim, but had it been executed with better technique, I'm sure that it would have left you feeling aghast (how this was classified as a "video nasty" is baffling to me).

There is absolutely nothing worth salvaging from Don't Go In The Woods. It isn't worth your time, it isn't worth your money, and it is better left out of print so that the masses will be spared from feeling lethargic after its eighty two minute running time has wrapped. In the four years that I've been doing this yearly marathon, this was the only time that I've come close to legitimately falling asleep during a motion picture. Is that enough for you?

And should any employees from respectable companies such as Scream Factory or Blue Underground come across this review in the future, I beg of you to never touch this one with a ten foot pole. Not even if someone has a gun pointed at your head.

Tomorrow, it's back to sequelville with the followup to last year's number nine entry, V/H/S 2!

A Million Ways To Die In The West (2014) Review

Sheep farmer Albert Stark detests living in the mostly barren frontier of Old Stump, Arizona. In addition to nearly everything around you having the capability to end your life within seconds, he has also been dumped by his girlfriend Louise, most likely due to his recent withdrawal from a duel, which many, including her, perceive as an act of cowardice. Soon, Stark draws the ire of notorious gunfighter Clinch Leatherwood, and through unexpected and initially unrevealed sources, he will find the courage and skills needed in order to face this infamous outlaw, lest he be thought of as a meager quitter for the rest of his life.


I just don't know what to make of Seth MacFarlane these days. I initially thought the man was a genius (or at the very least, a very underrated writer and voiceover performer) who came across as rather intelligent and knowledgable, if not a bit smug. I was surprised by his humility and legitimate happiness over hearing of the revival of his animated (then) cult television program Family Guy, and was just as ecstatic as him when I heard of its resurrection. Hell, I even enjoyed his first writing and directing foray into live-action filmmaking with 2012's Ted. And yet, the man has been disappointing me immensely for the past decade or so in ways that you can't imagine. The aforementioned Family Guy has arguably been out of gas for its past few seasons (a now infamous lambasting from South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone didn't help matters either), his other cartoon projects have been notoriously hit or miss, and the recently cancelled Seth Green vehicle Dads could go down as one of the absolute worst shows I've seen in my twenty eight years of existence. All of that hoopla aside, a large part of me was secretly interested in checking out MacFarlane's parody of the old western genre, the cleverly titled A Million Ways To Die In The West.


Regrettably, I think AMWTDITW (I am far too lazy to type this title multiple times, so you'll have to deal with this acronym) suffers from the same problem with the creator's more recent ventures, and that's just lazy, run-it-up-the-flagpole-style writing. And while I could normally nitpick and point out several large, glaring problems with films that I'm not too fond of or am immensely disappointed by, this really is the only major drawback, although it is a large one in the case of a comedy-based writer like MacFarlane. Nobody is phoning their performances in, and in fact, it seems that most of the cast are having a ball with one another (Charlize Theron and Sarah Silverman shine brightest). When a large chunk of your material, however, just isn't particularly strong, there is only so much that you can salvage in order to make it memorable for the general audiences who have paid to have good, boisterous laughs, and usually en masse. The mostly serious third act also does a near 180 for the film, and though it eventually leads to a relatively fun sequence involving psychedelic drug use with Native Americans, it feels klutzy in terms of transitioning and you can hear a pin drop in the theater in the build up to it.


AMWTDITW's heavy reliance on feces, urine, and fart jokes tends to wear thin after about the third time you're exposed to it. One wonders if perhaps they just couldn't come up with anything more clever in time (or were afraid of using the now-maligned "flashback" gag from Family Guy) and just figured that the average moviegoer can always find humor in anything coming out of the two holes below your belt. It's the type of lazy jokes that you expect from someone as lowbrow or idiotic as Marlon Wayans or Jason Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer, not the same man who was asked to host the Academy Awards one year ago. On the plus side, what isn't lowbrow is a pretty darn entertaining musical number led by Neil Patrick Harris (who seems to revel in playing a villain) and Stephen Foster that serves as an homage to the art of certain facial hair, and about how glorious it is. There are also a copious amount of cameos from who I can assume are some of MacFarlane's best friends from the liberal world of Hollywood, including one in the aforementioned drug sequence that gave me the biggest laugh overall. Sadly, a lot of the film's best gags were run into the ground by the overexposure of television spots and trailers for the picture, and most gags or antics elicit mere chuckles instead of guffaws.


You know what? After much debate, and even perusing through my own writing, Seth MacFarlane might be a genius after all. The man somehow managed to convince studio executives to make what essentially amounts to an uneven, two hour long episode of Family Guy with a forty million dollar budget. There is absolutely no reason that this couldn't have been of one of Seth's television shows. And before you say "he could have used this as an excuse to work with this famous actor or actress," I have to ask: why couldn't they have been recruited to do voiceover work instead? You're technically still in the same area or studio as them, and while you may not be able to do anything as memorable as physically kiss Charlize Theron or stick a flower up Liam Neeson's rectum (don't ask), you can still have the credentials on your resume if it is something sought after that much. At the end of the day, A Million Ways To Die In The West just makes you want to pat Seth MacFarlane on the back and say "well, you still have your other works. Better luck next time. Now it's time to go watch Blazing Saddles or Lust In The Dust and forget this whole thing ever happened."

In A World... (2013) Review

In the world of voice-over work, Sam Soto reigns supreme. Carol Solomon, Soto's own daughter, has dreams of  "making it" herself in between her days of working as a vocal coach, but the notion is generally frowned upon by her father, saying that the idea of a woman doing acts like narrating trailers is absurd. Despite these thoughts, and the pursuit of future gigs from Soto's own protege Gustav Warner, Carol finds herself determined to break down barriers and prove her worth.



One week ago, I traveled to my home state of Maryland for several days, specifically traveling for a Bar Mitzvah. Though my schedule was rather tight, I was determined to catch at least one film that wasn't playing down here in Wilmington. A quick flip through the Washington Post showed me that the rather obscure, but promising In A World... was playing in my own hometown of Silver Spring. I happen to be a fan of writer/director/star Lake Bell, going back to her work on Boston Legal, and catching her promotional appearances on The Daily Show and the like filled me with confidence of her directing debut.


For a directorial debut, this is rather balanced. A proper mixture of humor, drama, and genuinely sweet moments doesn't come off as gawky. Though her co-stars all deliver great performances, they are a bit on the iffy side in terms of realness, but that's honestly just minor nitpicking. There is excellent chemistry between everyone involved, most likely enhanced by real life friendships between a majority of the cast. Bell and Demetri Martin in particular are just fantastic together, and Bell's own character Carol feels unquestionably real, struggling in a world overrun with egotistical humans accustomed to the old way of thinking. Carol's own sister (Michaela Watkins) is also the focus of a subplot, which deals with her troubled marriage and own frustrations. Surprisingly, none of this feels tacked on, and transitions are rather smooth between the respective conflicts.


Despite how solid most of the script is, the satirizing of certain movie franchises and blockbusters is a bit hit or miss, feeling like bad modern-day Simpsons writing whenever they are brought up. Again, nitpicking, but I can't help it if certain bits of hammy writing rustle my jimmies. If I haven't mentioned before, the film is rather funny. Bell's own experience on shows like Children's Hospital comes through, and if you don't at least chuckle at her disdain for the "sexy baby voice," I may have to question as to whether you'r even human on the inside. Martin is actually playing it rather straight here, but he does get to sneak in some dry humor here and there. Co-stars Tog Notaro and Nick Offerman also get a chance to shine, and I was especially pleased that the former was cast, as she is probably one of the most underrated standup comics working today.


Most of In A World...'s tones will be construed as feminist, which is certainly not a difficult argument to make, but most of it comes down to one simple, but easily identifiable message: don't give up on any dream you may have, no matter the criticism, whether it has been done before/is thought to be nigh-impossible, or goes against any principles or long term structure. It also encourages us to find our own, unique voice, literally and figuratively. If you're one of the lucky cities playing this little gem, I urge you to find a screening. If you aren't, I'm sure this will hit VOD (Video On-Demand) services and DVD before the end of the year, and you can catch it there.