Unseen Terror 2024: Moore is More Than Enough (Day 2)

Before this review begins, I’ll get it out of the way right now: no, this has nothing to do with 2019’s Academy Award-winning black comedy/thriller of the same name. I trust you folks to come up with better jokes than that. I also have to say that sitting through this was a real chore solely because of how many ads are thrown into Parasite’s running time on Plex (its current location for streaming), which seemed to stretch its 88-minute running time to nearly two hours. I guess I can’t complain TOO much about any motion picture being completely free to watch, but boy did it cut into my sleeping habits. Anyways, let’s get this over with.

 

Initially, 1982’s Parasite was set to appear much later in this year’s Unseen Terror, but through the power of sheer coincidence, it’s getting bumped up to the first week. After all, there’s no better way to follow up (arguably) Demi Moore’s finest hour than with her first major picture debut. Prior to this viewing, my only familiarity with this pseudo-Alien knockoff (set in a post-apocalyptic world and centered around an infected doctor searching for a cure to the “parasite” within his chest) was having seen the poster in the background of a couple of random Youtubers’ videos and seeing it discussed in the awesome In Search of Darkness documentaries (must-watches for horror fans of all generations). Color me surprised when I see that not only was this Moore’s first "proper" foray into the acting field, but it’s directed by Full Moon Productions and Empire Pictures founder Charles Band. It’s even stranger seeing that it costars Ghoulies writer-director Luca Bercovici and has early effects work by the late Stan Winston. So yeah, this is just an odd little blip on most of these peoples’ resumés, isn’t it? To his credit though, Winston’s practical effects are perfectly fine (save for maybe the titular creature, which is brought to life primarily through hand puppetry). That might be the only particular highlight for Parasite though, because this is kind of a slog to get through.

 

Firstly, this thing is sllllloooowwww. Not a slow burn, but more on the sluggish side. Setting anything in a post-nuclear fallout environment, no matter the budget, must be at least mildly interesting, but the pacing offers no reward for your patience (other than seeing a hilariously silly scene where Vivian Blaine of Guys and Dolls fame gets her head turned into one of those puppets from the “Land of Confusion” music video, only for a monster to burst forth). There’s also the problem with the side and stock characters, who feel more like geeks and slasher movie rejects than intimidating bullies or wisemen to our protagonists (bizarre to see a post-Runaways Cherie Currie show up before she’d go bonkers on social media). If you told me that they wandered off the set of a Friday the 13^th knockoff, I would absolutely believe you. Finally, there’s the immensely talented Ms. Moore. She is doing her best, but it also feels like she may have misunderstood the assignment here. I’m not saying you need to ham it up (especially this early in your career), but her complete seriousness amongst a sea of silly shit is oddly jarring. Then again, I’m not sure what I was expecting given the involvement of who is behind the camera. If she had set up and continued a string of ill-fitting performances, who knows where her career would’ve ended up?

 

Demi Moore has gone on record saying that she feels Parasite is the worst film she’s ever starred in. While I certainly respect her opinion, I’d still say that Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle or Blame it on Rio takes the cake in that department. Some of the practical effects and some silliness involving laser pistols prevent it from being a total dud, but it isn’t something I’d recommend you seek out immediately. I kept thinking that Dan O’Bannon and H.R. Giger could’ve watched this and considered suing, but I don’t think it’d even be worth the effort. I’d say this is for diehard fans of……..erm, something.

 

And no, I did not watch this in 3-D as it was originally released in theaters. If your film can’t stand on its own without the use of gimmicks like that, then that’s your fault.

Unseen Terror 2018: Day 3

The Japanese have launched a probe dubbed "Helios 7" into space, in the hopes that it will study the planet Jupiter and return to earth after three and a half years with a collection of data. Unknown to everyone, the device is overtaken by an alien entity, and Helios 7 is later seen careening towards the South Pacific. It crashes into the water, and the "passenger" exits after choosing to inhabit the body of a cuttlefish. In the meantime, photographer Taro Kudo has gathered an entourage to head to the mysterious Selgio Island, which is rumored to contain giant creatures previously unseen by the human eye. While there, they meet some island natives and discover that they worship something referred to as "Gezora," which is revealed to look very similar to a certain type of mollusk found under the sea...



Since its inception in 2011, I've tried to include at least one Kaiju-related project for Unseen Terror. The results have been rather mixed (to say the least), but I've been lucky enough to be exposed to solid flicks like the Japanese cut of Rodan and 2016's stunningly great Shin Godzilla. That doesn't mean that a fanatic such as myself has seen every "guy in a suit" movie released to date though, and given how wide Toho's catalog is, there's bound to be a few flicks that slipped through my hands when given an opportunity to watch them for this marathon. In 2018, one such movie is 1970's Space Amoeba (a.k.a. Yog-Monster From Space), which was the first foray into that decade from noteworthy distributors Toho Co. It's amassed a small following, but is mostly forgotten by casual fans of this genre. After sitting through its running time of eighty-four minutes, perhaps there's a valid reason for that.


One very important thing to remember about Space Amoeba is that it marked the first Toho Kaiju Eiga project without the involvement of Eiji Tsuburaya. For those of you who are not aware of that name, he is most well known as the special effects director for the Godzilla franchise, and even helped co-create the "Big G." He is also the mastermind behind the equally influential Ultraman series, and is viewed as a rather prolific and important person in the realm of Japanese cinema. Due to his sudden death, I'm certain that the crew and figureheads were still reeling from this loss, and his absence can be felt throughout. Nothing feels quite as impactful without his supervision from behind the scenes, and the usual staples found in previous entries of the studio's filmography seem underwhelming this time around. The special effects, though somewhat competent, feel slightly average rather than vibrant. On the flip side, Space Amoeba manages to sport three different monsters that are actually all fairly neat, if not unspectacular in terms of designs. The giant cuttlefish Gezora looks great when he isn't actually attempting to "walk," and his brief appearances underwater aren't too shabby either. The giant matamata turtle Kamoebas is perfectly serviceable too, and kind of cute in an ugly sort of way. Giant crab Ganime is perhaps the biggest disappointment, as its screen time is mostly limited to the final seven minutes or so, and it fails to deal any real damage to our heroes or the island natives. Only two out of these three beasts would see returns to this world over the next several decades, though one is via stock footage and the other as a corpse post-Godzilla attack.


Plot-wise Space Amoeba is a bit jumbled, though certainly unique. There were moments where I had to pause the picture just to try and put all of the pieces together without saying "Why are these people here exactly?" The plain jane characters don't necessarily help to keep your attention either, and the usually great director Ishiro Honda can't get series veterans like Akira Kubo (Destroy All Monsters, Throne of Blood) and Kenji Sahara (Mothra vs. Godzilla, War of the Gargantuas) to turn in performances that even by "giant monster movie" standards are still fairly weak. Worse yet, the score provided by the tremendously talented Akira Ifukube is nothing to write home about compared to what he's capable of turning in (Space Amoeba's most memorable composition is just a reworked piece from King Kong vs. Godzilla). Still, as mixed up as the storyline can be, there are some rather neat aspects in Space Amoeba that you weren't really getting around the time of its release. As what I can assume is a throwback to their earliest efforts, there is no heroic, gargantuan protagonist, nor is there even military that can come for backup. It boils down to the tried and true formula of man vs beast. The concept of an organism that infects a host, causing it to grow thirty stories high, is akin to something seen in television shows like Power Rangers, and the fact that this group of humans are far from stupid is a rarity. Well, minus one specific sequence. Earlier in the picture, someone says "Well, I don't believe monsters exist until I see one." Given the future appearances of the aforementioned creatures in Godzilla sequels, then one must assume that this is all set within the same universe. There are kaiju attacks occurring nearly every year around the world, and especially in Japan. They make the news. Your taxes help pay for it. THEY. ARE. REAL. Therefore,

Space Amoeba isn't the worst Toho-produced kaiju flick that you'll see, but I could only see diehards feeling the need to own this one. Other than sporting some halfway decent designs and humans who aren't complete incompetent cannon fodder, nothing is altogether very memorable, and by the time that things finally start to get fun, most of your interest has already waned. Still, I didn't completely dislike the picture, and it could make for a fun marathon watch with some like-minded friends. This second-to-last flick directed by Ishiro Honda is free to stream for Amazon Prime members, and Tokyo Shock released a DVD quite a few years ago that is close to going out of print. So, if you have a strong desire to watch city folk fight against a giant crab that also briefly fights against a giant long-necked turtle, you might want to make that purchase as soon as you can.



If you can't act in time, then maybe you should just turn on a BBC doc-

….Crap, I already made that joke.




Anyway, come back tomorrow for day 4, where in space, nobody can hear you rip off other franchises...

Unseen Terror 2017: Day 24

Well, I certainly didn't plan on doing a twofer today, but here we are. Given how bewitching both of these films are in their badness, I'm going to need as much liquid courage as possible if I have to write reviews for both of them.

I had only ever seen the cover art for 1984's Monster Dog while passing through my local video stores back in the day. It looked ridiculous, and while my younger self was admittedly a lot pickier when it came to cinema, these days I'm pretty much down for whatever is suggested to me. Besides, when has crappy packaging ever truly stopped me from taking the plunge and checking something out? Plus, it has everything that I like in my horror movies: it's an Italian production, features a rock star as its lead (in this case, it's Alice Cooper), and a killer creature or two.


But man, does this movie blow chunks. In fact, it practically projectile vomits them. Monster Dog's  concept is based around a musical performer driving back to his childhood home with his crew in tow, only to find that when they try to shoot a music video, they get into a heap of trouble that involves, but isn't limited to a pack of wild dogs that are on the hunt for human flesh and something that sure as shit sounds like lycanthropy. A fun idea in theory, sure, but so much of this production just feels like a misfire. Cooper isn't a terrible choice for a lead actor, but he appears to be so disinterested that the movie as a whole is brought down even more. It doesn't help that if you dig around for more information on the project, you discover that he was pretty down on his luck, and only agreed to do the motion picture if it was shown in the International market, but never in the U.S (spoilers: they didn't keep their promise). His costar Victoria Vera fares slightly better, but it's a shame that her character is so incredibly bland.


One of the most puzzling aspects of Monster Dog (other than the decision to cast a shorthaired Alice) comes in the form of its dialogue. Actually, if I can be more specific, the dubbing of said dialogue. I understand that most Italian horror flicks have a tendency to mix their audio rather oddly when they overdub their actors' performances, but it's so incredibly weird here because they make it sound as if every single member of the cast had this done to them. Much to my surprise, it turns out that Mr. Cooper himself was the only one whose lines were tampered with. It fools you initially, but you realize the nature of this deception once the gang reaches the house. Whoever voiced his character sounded ten years older than the shock rocker, and appeared to have grown up on a steady diet of 1950s sitcoms. Admittedly, the only laughs I got came from whoever dubbed the barks and growls for the canine enemies, as the pets themselves were borrowed from guide dog schools for the blind. Perhaps the actual behavior could have appeared to be more authentic had they told these companions about the fate of the protagonists in The Adventures of Milo and Otis?


Look, I try to find even the faintest of lights in the dark with nearly every picture that I come across, but god damn was it hard with Monster Dog. It almost redeems itself with the revelation of the titular beast during its third act (and a nice shotgun scalping beforehand), but it resembles an RC Cola version of something out of The Howling. And yes, it is watchable, with it occasionally diving into the "so bad it's good" category once in a blue moon. Still, that's a rather backhanded compliment, as it's just overwhelmingly stupid, suffers from grueling pacing, and doesn't know how to have nearly enough fun. If you feel like suffering for ninety minutes, you can pick up the Blu-ray from Kino Lorber, as it apparently contains a featurette on the making of this monstrosity. I will not be doing such a thing, as I have endured enough pain from this director for the time being



But heck, what would you expect from the individual who gave us Troll 2?



Alright, time to leave earth for a bit, and go to outer space!


.....but then go right back to earth.


*sigh*

Like Monster Dog, my only prior knowledge of Xtro came from seeing it on store shelves or from seeing advertisements inside the VHS or DVD cases for other releases. It certainly sounded interesting; a hybrid of Alien, Species, and Close Encounters of the Third Kind with a bit of family drama thrown into the mix. After the film concluded, the first thing that I noticed was that I did not expect Xtro to be as manic and unbalanced as it is. The second thing was how nobody who worked on this little ditty could have been sober during its creation and conception.


For starters, Xtro revolves around a father who was abducted by aliens long ago suddenly returning to his family's lives, but with very peculiar traits that begin to take effect on everyone around him. And that my friends, is the briefest, and most spoiler-free version of the vividly strange introduction that kicks this motion picture into gear. Because if there is one thing that Xtro delivers on, it's inherit weirdness and unexpected violence. There are sequences in here that could make more squeamish viewers (and particularly females) quite uncomfortable as they involve rape, pained/exaggerated childbirth, and many more. Adding in the rather good makeup/special effects is enough to make up for the quite amateurish acting (minus Bernice Stegers as the wife in the family), but not all of the time. Perhaps the only real weak spot in the technical/non-acting department comes in the form of the music, which sounded like more of a proper fit for something such as Home Alone rather than a science fiction/horror film that just throws everything at the wall regardless of whether it sticks or not.


I do hate to sound like a broken record, but did I mention that Xtro goes all out? Not since I viewed Society and Hausu have I seen something that experiments with the more unknown side of life and creatively explores a plethora of concepts that should not work on paper. The former abductee Sam Phillips (portrayed by the late Philip Sayer) provides most of these moments, which includes eating snake eggs and seemingly sucking on his child's shoulder for reasons that I won't get into. It'll certainly raise a few eyebrows, and I suspect that if one were to watch any of these scenes while on psychedelics, their brain could crack in two. One of the drawbacks of these is that it does begin to feel as though the writers and co/producers (which included New Line Cinema's notorious Bob Shaye) were trying to see how much they could get away with until they were told to stop. Regrettably, this leads to an ending that feels like an excuse to shock for shock value's sake.


Xtro is a beautiful, messy piece. The gross factor is high, its bizarre nature sometimes works against it, and it can be rather cruel to women. But unlike something along the lines of Monster Dog, I never found that I was bored throughout its running time, and because it is relatively cohesive, even counted myself as morbidly curious during its second half. In fact, because of how extraordinarily fucked in the head it is, I'll give it a recommendation for those who are seeking something truly unnatural and eccentric, but it isn't without a fair warning. Disappointingly, the DVD for Xtro is out of print (I had to watch my version on YouTube), and from what I've seen, it doesn't appear that there are any plans in the near future for it or its two sequels to receive another home video release. How someone like Arrow Films, Scream! Factory, or Synapse has not picked up this yet is beyond me.



But maybe they're afraid of potentially interviewing costar Simon Nash. He brings inanimate clowns to life after all, and that is truly terrifying.




Tomorrow, we hit the way back machine and visit an old Italian favorite for one of his more seminal pictures!

Unseen Terror 2016: Day 4

A small group of scientists are on their way to the mysterious Obelisk Island, which has been eyed as a future tourist resort by one Mr. Funazu, owner of the successful "Playmate Magazine." Upon arrival, the collective is greeted with love and respect by the area's natives, though one of the youngest, a boy named Saki, warns members of the crew to stay away from one forbidden area of the land. After doing some digging around, two men stumble into a cavern and happen upon a rather unusual discovery: a giant egg, which a large unknown animal hatches from shortly afterwards. Though Saki and the islanders beg for the scientists to just leave this discovery alone and let it reside in peace, they still insist on taking it back to Japan for show and for studying. Unsurprisingly, the baby's parents rise from the waters beneath the island's volcano, destroying anything in their path in the pursuit of saving their child from the hands of curious experimenters and power-hungry businessmen.

Story time (yet again): my history with Japan's Gappa: The Triphibian Monster, a one-off picture from a company that had never previously experimented with giant monster movies, comes not from perusing message boards, nor from friends or cohorts who would recommend it to me if I had nothing better to do. No, the first mentioning I had noticed came from Michael Medved's second book in his now-defunct series titled "The Golden Turkey Awards," which highlighted the best of the worst in cinema before websites such as CollegeHumor and YouTube made it easier for you to determine and search out such a thing. They had specific categories set up to single out special absurd moments of particular pictures, such as "Worst Rodent Movie," which would go to Food of the Gods, or "Worst Casting" for John Wayne as Genghis Khan (yikes). They were never necessarily kind to flicks that you categorize as Kaiju Eiga, but it never bothered me as I knew that I enjoyed these pictures, and in the end, that was what truly mattered.

So, the screenshots and brief descriptions of Gappa, which would be released straight to television in the U.S. rather than to theaters (and was renamed in some circles as Monster From a Prehistoric Planet), made it out to look like the bottom of the barrel when it came to this type of stuff. After sitting through the movie, however, I feel as if some of this bashing was slightly unwarranted, though not without some sort of merit or reasoning. Yes, there are some downright cringe-inducing moments to be found throughout, but given that I have sat through a rather large assortment of films in this subgenre (including some with significantly larger budgets), it is far more watchable than it has any right to be.


Right off the bat, the first thing that I noticed about Gappa was its eerie similarities to other creature features released during the same decade. The plot is essentially plagiarized from previous Unseen Terror entry Gorgo. with the concept of an infant monster being stolen by foolish/greedy humans, which in turn leads to the parent(s) coming to annihilate anything in their path so that they may finally get their child back to them safe and sound. The concept of the monsters not being fully evil, as well as the island natives worshipping the behemoth as some sort of deity, is also taken from the original version of Mothra. You can't convince me that all of this was coincidental, as both of those projects were released six years prior during the first half of 1961, and were relatively big hits commercially and critically. Still, in the case of the former, you'll have to trust me when I say that it is so incredibly strange to see any Japanese studio rip off someone else for a change.

That studio in question deserves some mentioning as well. I suppose that the Nikkatsu Corporation was hoping that this would receive the same levels of success and love as Godzilla or Daei's own rival monster Gamera, but seeing as this was their sole entry into the field of "man in a rubber suit runs amok," I would say that in that aspect, they failed. They would sort of rebound by going on to produce, promote, and distribute a large portion of pornographic films, which has a certain demand in their native country given how strict they can be with subjects relating to sex or drugs. Bizarre as it may have been, it did help keep the company afloat until they were forced to declare bankruptcy in 1993 (three years later, some of their shares would be temporarily acquired by Namco). The efforts put forth are commendable though. The monster effects are done and headed by Akira Watanabe, a former employee of Toho, who helps craft some fun fight sequences with the military. None of it is likely to blow you away, but considering that Gappa's budget was most likely very small, they are fairly decent. They are entertaining enough to almost make you forget about the look chosen for the Gappas themselves.


Speaking of that, let's talk about the design for our titular beast(s), and to an extent, their much, much tinier adversaries. Perhaps in concept, they were hoping for something a little similar to Daei Studios' villainous creation Gyaos or to Toho's iconic Rodan, but what they ended up with was a trio of creatures that are akin in look and sound to that of, well, a giant parrot mixed with one of Toho's more mediocre creations called Gabara. Then again, Gappa actually predates All Monsters Attack/Godzilla's Revenge by two years, so maybe who influenced who is actually up for debate. They are quite expressive-looking bird/lizard/whatchamafucks, and the suits' abilities and facial animations get the chance to show off a bit during the final fifteen minutes of the movie. The human protagonists are actually fairly fun, if not a bit clichéd (minus one shipmate, who was voiced to sound like someone in a Three Stooges tribute act). I'm not sure about how much of that influence in the writing came from the states or from Japan, but it's a nice bonus considering how boring or offensive the past few entries' human casts have been.

Absurdity and an unabashed interest in the sillier side of these movies plays a great part in why I enjoyed this far more than I thought I would have (though anything would have been an improvement over yesterday's choice for the blog). I don't fully believe that Gappa is an essential Kaiju flick, but it is nowhere near as terrible as some historians have made it out to be. It makes for a breezy viewing experience, and with the right company or added substances (not that I would ever encourage that. *wink wink nudge nudge*), it can provide you with an adequate amount of entertainment. Hell, I'm amazed that Gappa never made its way into the realm of Mystery Science Theater 3000, as the hilariously bad dubbing alone is just ripe for riffing. Given that the picture is floating around in the public domain, obtaining a copy of this one should not be difficult to do at all. Alpha Video has a DVD release out that can be purchased for pocket change, and Mill Creek Entertainment has distributed it multiple times throughout the years as part of their well-known package deals. To my pleasant surprise, Tokyo Shock also managed to put the film out on DVD several years ago, which included liner notes and the original Japanese language track.



But, if you think that I'm paying a whopping thirty-five dollars for a motion picture that also features a young Japanese boy running around in what could be constituted as blackface, you would be mistaken.



I would only pay thirty-four for that.




Tomorrow, my concern that this Kaiju boom will crash and burn may be fully realized. And for the first/last time, we venture forward into outer space for the final entry in the block. God(zilla) help me...

Unseen Terror 2016: Day 3

Commander James Bradley, a no-nonsense military scientist stationed on Japan's Kunashiroshima Island, has been conducting a series of experiments consisting of desalinizing the surrounding waters. His worrisome wife Anna tells him that these processes are causing the island natives great stress, but he begins to think of ways to negotiate with the villagers so that he may continue. After the testing begins, they awaken a fearful and frightful "obake" nicknamed Varan, who many of the residents worship and consider to be a deity of the lake. To the surprise of nobody, the beast goes berserk, beginning to lay waste to everything in its path, while humanity attempts to concoct different ways in which to stop him.


In recent months, I have tried my absolute best to refrain from using strong language on this blog, as there is always the chance that an employer or family member may be popping in to read one of these reviews that I type up every so often. Mind you, the occasional curse word still slips out from time to time, and given the amount of bad movies that occasionally stumble into the Unseen Terror pile, it seems inevitable. After all, do you realize how hard it is to summarize one's thoughts on a movie like Don't Go In The Woods or Pinocchio's Revenge without using the terms "fucking" and "awful" in the same sentence? It is perhaps the hardest thing that I have to deal with during these long marathons.


But, when it comes to a picture such as Varan The Unbelievable, there is no way to mince words. It is a colossal piece of dried-up shit. As I have touched upon in previous entries, I do not always have a particular fondness for when American film studios thoroughly butcher something that comes over to the states. In the case of Daikaiju Baran, one of the first non-Godzilla related monster movies to come from Japan's Toho Co. and the final one to be shot and released in black & white, it was acquired four years after its initial release by the independent company known as Crown International Pictures, who are more renowned for releasing an assortment of "B" movies, including the Ed Wood-written Orgy of the Dead and The Beast of Yuca Flats. Come to think of it, "butchering" may not even be the most appropriate term to use when it comes to CIP's handling of Varan. Because while it is highly likely that both iterations of the final product are still silly overall (this was my first viewing of either edition), the Americanized flick looks and feels like it was horrendously gutted, as a humongous amount of the original release has either been erased or replaced by a plethora of scenes created solely because they were afraid of audiences being turned off by a cast led by non-white actors. The mostly new cast is led by Myron Healey, who was known primarily for his work in Western-themed television shows during the 1950s and 1960s. He is fully aware that he is starring in a release geared towards a certain market, but his exposition-heavy dialogue and wannabe noir narrations are the furthest thing from this film's problems.


Most of that lies in just how disrespectful this new cut feels not just to the original Japanese cast and crew, but to the people of the country altogether. Well-loved composer Akira Ifukube created some very memorable pieces for the production, with one in particular being reused and retooled in other Toho pictures throughout the years because of how powerful and effectively moody it is. So then, why did they feel the need to disregard a majority of the score and hire Albert Glasser to do a new, inadequate one? I mean, Varan is far from world-class material, but at least the former tried his damnedest, no matter how weak the entry ended up being. Anna, the Japanese wife of the aforementioned Healey and another added feature to the CIP version of the flick, is portrayed as a physically and mentally weak human being whose sole reason for existing is to act as a vagina and nothing more. While it is true that other entries in the realm of Kaiju Eiga were also guilty of not being the kindest to women (try watching Showa-era Gamera films and argue with me about this), it still feels like a big step down from other studios' managing of previous Toho efforts such as Godzilla, King of the Monsters! Worse yet, all segments involving the actual people of Japan's plights and panics dealing with Varan are either muted or flat-out not translated whatsoever. So, every time that there is a soldier on screen talking with his superior, a citizen expressing their ideas on how to deal with the monster, or anything else that you can tell was fairly interesting, they just subtitle it with "(Foreign Language)." I suppose that they are of the belief that most moviegoers in the early 60s were illiterate or xenophobic. The titular antagonist's unique roar, which would be recycled and remixed for other Toho creations such as Megalon, Baragon, and Gorosaurus, is dubbed over in place of something that sounds similar to the rumbling of a dog with an upset stomach. Various scenes involving the beast's rampages or display of abilities were also removed for the sake of time and the hope that he would look more menacing to the general public. Yes, Varan does somewhat resemble a mutated hybrid of a lizard and a flying squirrel, but why would you decide to edit out footage of the destructive behemoth in a GIANT MONSTER MOVIE? Shit, that's like cutting out scenes of the Joker in Suicide Sq---oh, wait.


All of my legitimate complaints aside, it still feels so unfair to give Varan the Unbelievable any sort of proper critiquing, as this barely resembles anything of the original Ishiro Honda-led project. Earlier in the picture, Healey's character of James Bradley utters the line "They might get a better story if they stay closer to the source material," and I couldn't have summarized this shockingly short seventy-minute-long feature any better even if I had an English professor peeking over my shoulder once every five minutes. Perhaps this often forgotten entry in the world of Kaiju Eiga will warrant another viewing in the future, and hopefully I will be able to track down a print of the original cut that aired in its native Japan. If you are into astonishingly bad edits of pictures from the east, Varan the Unbelievable is available for free streaming on Amazon Prime, and a home release of its source material, Giant Monster Varan, was distributed by Tokyo Shock and goes for more than a pretty penny on most online shopping services these days.



Still, it's highly unlikely that any print would be able to fix that silly design for the flying mode of the monster himself . Oooooooooooooooooof..




Tomorrow, Nikkatsu studios decides to get involved with this supposed "kaiju boom" that seems to be the rage with all the kids, but will their cinematic release rise like the phoenix, or crash and burn like a turkey jumping off of a cliff?

Unseen Terror 2015: Day 3

Young, curious, and obsessed with horror movies, middle school student Sean heads a club that he has dubbed "The Monster Squad," wherein he and likeminded friends come together in a treehouse to gush over and talk about their love for the more macabre side of cinema. When Sean's mother gives him an old book one day as a gift, he is initially ecstatic, but discovers that the work is written in German. Once it has been translated by a mysterious neighbor, the crew discover that the book harbors tales of a fight between the forces of good and evil that has spanned centuries. Even stranger, it seems that during this year, evil may be resurfacing in the form of very eerie, familiar faces.



Several years ago, I was lucky enough to watch The Gate for the very first time (here's where I insert my review for it). It made me realize that perhaps my childhood, though admittedly filled with some fantastic little ditties that I still love to this day, could have been even better had I been exposed to certain horror films. No, I'm not talking about the classic Universal Pictures from the 1930s and 1940s (that's a given for pretty much anybody with the capability of breathing), but more along the lines of horror films that are made by those who want to clearly expose younger audiences to the same loves that they grew up with, while still making sure that it wouldn't be too "extreme" for them to be terrified of or for their parents to become enraged when they find them watching it by themselves without supervision. If I can be so crude as to use food comparisons, if The Gate was a trip to Outback Steakhouse, The Monster Squad is a full-fledged, paid vacation to Australia itself. Minus the possibility of being attacked by venomous creatures of course.


Noted director and fan favorite Fred Dekker has already made an appearance on Unseen Terror with the quite fun House (insert yet ANOTHER review), and his work on the very underrated Night Of The Creeps deserves more and more praise every time that I've mentioned it here on this site. In what can only be ascribed to sheer luck and magic, he's paired with writer and occasional director Shane Black, whose credits include Predator, Lethal Weapon, and Iron Man 3 among many others. The two have a remarkably good understanding of one another's style, mixing in just the right amount of humor without it coming across as obnoxious, while not forsaking on making Squad's characters relatable or even slightly realistic (we all knew at least one person in this film at some point in our lives). The duo's final effort definitely has an appeal to a younger audience, but there is a lot that wouldn't fly by today's standards of what we normally call a "kid's movie." There's people combustion/gore, the occasional curse word that rhymes with "mitt," and a few other nitpicks that most likely won't bother anyone such as yourselves, but it still might warrant a mild warning for those of you with very young children.


Thankfully, every single person should find a lot to enjoy about the antagonists of the The Monster Squad. Though the quality of the creatures' costumes are, to put it nicely, fairly mediocre (minus the Gillman, portrayed by Amalgamated Dynamics head Tom Woodruff Jr.), that adds to its overall charm, showing the obvious love of nostalgia from Dekker, Black, and their crew. Ugh, that ending rap song is another story though, as it is dreadfully dated and could make the Fresh Prince or The Fat Boys seem ruthless during a rap battle. Tom Noonan (Manhunter, The House Of The Devil) plays a pretty god damn good Frankenstein's monster, even if it is meant more for comedic or sappy moments than for horrific ones (it certainly beats the awful ones in recent years from garbage like Van Helsing or I, Frankenstein). Duncan Regehr's Count Dracula is fun enough to make you forget that he was in a movie like Blood Surf (which I will NOT insert a review link for).


Damn damn damn. If I had been writing this before I reached my teens, I....probably wouldn't be doing this actually. I'd probably have been playing Final Fantasy VII or wondering why Funcoland were so notoriously cheap when it came to trade-ins. Still, now that I'm almost thirty, I AM writing about my first exposure to The Monster Squad. and I am so happy that I finally watched it. Considering that this month will also see the release of a motion picture based on author R.L. Stine's Goosebumps series of books, I see this as a wonderful precursor to that flick and a great way for your kids to get into something with a bit more of an edge, but without treating them idiots. If you're so inclined, The Monster Squad is currently available to watch on Netflix Instant Streaming, and is readily available for purchase on DVD and Blu-Ray from various assorted retailers.



Tomorrow, I have to remember that in 1988, not only was Treat Williams a thing, but so was Joe Piscopo. And that they interacted with zombies. Oh my goodness...

Unseen Terror 2013: Day 21

Before I start today's entries, I'd like to briefly talk about a video cassette that holds a special place in my heart: Fantastic Dinosaurs of the Movies.

While visiting the Smithsonian Institution one day with my parents, I received this trailer compilation as a gift, mostly due to my (then) love of all things dinosaur-related, and my desire to become a paleontologist. Though this dream and desire has waned, it did expose me to so many genres and franchises that I ended up becoming nearly fanatical about, including Godzilla and the works of Ray Harryhausen and his brethren. There were some modern film trailers thrown in for good measure too, but my focus shifted towards the older institutions, such as Toho International and the like. Having seen nearly every film on that cassette (which I still own), however, I'm finally getting around to discovering some of these lost treasures via the internet. But after twenty-something odd years, should these have remained buried?

In the dark, mostly unexplored waters of Loch Ness, the gigantic, legendary creature known as Nessie has begun an increasing amount of attacks, mostly brought about due to the kidnapping of her egg. Some scientists will seek to exploit the creature and her unhatched offspring, while others discover a sunken Nazi plane at the bottom of Loch Ness. What connections do these have with the beast? And why does it seem that some are trying to cover it up?


Oh dear lord, I didn't expect this. Well, at least on a scale this preposterously awful. Not even six minutes in, and The Loch Ness Horror has already settled safely into Mystery Science Theater 3000 territory. How the fabulous and hilarious group of "riffers" didn't lampoon and review this film, even in the later seasons, I have no earthly idea. Is it too late to pay them to do it now?


Everyone in The Loch Ness Horror is speaking like Groundskeeper Willie teaching French in Elementary School. The Scottish stereotypes found throughout are just ridiculous, and these characters, be they American or Scottish, could be conceived and written with just an initial viewing of any number of action/horror film combinations. What ends up being significantly worse are the accents of the fellow Scottish countrymen and women themselves, which I'm sure director Larry Buchanan would try and convince you were authentic (well, if he were alive that is), but anyone with halfway decent hearing, or a brain not riddled by years of drug abuse and consuming paint chips could tell you that's a load of malarky. Buchanan was a self-proclaimed "schlockmeister," so bashing anything the man has made in his career could prove to be moot seeing as how he expected it to come with the territory.


But even by lesser movie standards, the Nessie prop used here looks like a total joke, especially since we only see her head and neck, and nothing more. While I understand that you have a limited budget, and were probably going off of the Loch Ness myth, where little has been seen, give us something more creative. She's also surprisingly non-threatening in appearance, especially past the hour mark when she stares down a young woman in a camper. The Loch Ness Horror's high point, if it has one, has Nessie turning into a slasher movie villain after her egg is stolen (or is presumed dead), so she basically turns into a gigantic Mrs. Voorhees, even attacking people at a camping site and at night in the waters. Coincidentally, this was released a year after the successful Friday the 13th. Yes, I did just compare The Loch Ness Monster to Friday the 13th. Deal with it.


On the plus side, the poster looks fairly wild and could draw in monster fanatics. And as idiotic as it might be, the film doesn't really get to be boring if you're surrounded by the right folks. Still, this is an insanely bad "D" film that wants to pretend it's a "B" movie, but a lot of alcohol (and I do mean a LOT) could potentially make this a fun experience. I wish you the best of luck trying to track down a halfway decent copy of this. Legally, Diplomat Video released it on VHS, but as far as a DVD release goes, I'm unsure that anything in terms of an actual official copy exists, outside of bootlegs that is. I viewed my version on Youtube, where you can clearly tell it was ripped from home video. Naturally, it didn't help increase the quality of the picture itself, but I digress.

When a meteor crashes into a lake one evening, a large, prehistoric creature is unearthed from the ensuing heat. It begins to devour every person that it comes into contact with, and soon, the town's sheriff decides to take action in order to stop it. Rounding up a group of paleontologists and scientists, they set out to put a stop to the archaic menace.


Unlike The Loch Ness Horror, this effort from Crown International Pictures, as tampered with as it may have been, does have an accompanying Rifftrax commentary out there for purchase, and boy do I wish I had known about that in advance. Without the aid of those gentlemen, I nearly fell asleep during this picture. For the love of Benji, this is one boring, horribly made mess.


To begin with, I think that even as a child, I could have told you that these scientists in the film were phonies, or just plain terribly written. The title monster is referred to as a dinosaur at several opportunities, and is even drawn as one on its poster seen above. This wouldn't be a problem, except that one quick glance gives away the fact that it is clearly a PLESIOSAUR, a reptile that lived a large portion of its life in the water and is a completely different creature altogether. These little discrepancies won't be a bother to anybody except for perhaps the geekiest of folks, but the film's scientists and paleontologists make these mistakes constantly, and I can't help my occasional fits of nerd rage, especially thanks to that little VHS tape I talked about near the top of today's review. Learning is fundamental ladies and germs.


The Crater Lake Monster is decently well known for its use of stop motion animation, a rarity at the time in 1977 since most companies were moving on to bigger and better pastures. Shockingly, the stop motion animation looks fairly acceptable considering that a man like Ray Harryhausen didn't have his hand in it, and there's an eerie similarity to the title creation from Q - The Winged Serpent in the facial department of the "monster" itself. Of course, it isn't any coincidence that both films share the same animation supervisor, the deceased David W. Allen. He would go on to work on a vast number of pictures of much better quality, including Honey, I Shrunk the Kids, Willow, and Puppet Master. The practical, non-animation shots of its mouth also looked fairly decent considering the budget was just under one hundred thousand dollars, but I kept wondering "why not use more of that?" Unless the prop was a pain in the neck to haul around and your crew was comprised of tiny children, this is straight unforgivable. Oh, I guess we had to fill that time with the fascinating characters instead, such as....hmm....well, let me get back to you on that.


I'm starting to ponder if both of these films should have been saved for next year, since they could have coincided with the release of Gareth Edwards' Godzilla relaunch, and my time could have been spent on something much more valuable, be it another film or even something like staring at a wall while I eat leftover pasta salad. In terms of what made for a worse experience, I'd say that belonged to The Crater Lake Monster, as it just fills in the gaps and time with so much nonsense and annoying characters (if you do not hate the two redneck comic relief characters, you hate no characters in any movie ever released), while absolutely nothing happens. The fact that this film has seen a Blu-Ray release over the past two years is shocking to me, as it wholeheartedly deserves its 2.7 rating from IMDb.



Tomorrow, I brush the dust away, and finally get around to checking out SPLINTER!