Unseen Terror 2014: Day 8

Two young couples set out for a weekend getaway in the wilderness, back-packing together and camping whenever they feel the need to stop. Unbeknownst to the four, a crazed and demented killer is brutally murdering anyone who dares to set foot in the woods. Soon, the adults will have to fight for their lives against this enigmatic stranger.

After at least fifteen minutes of Don't Go In The Woods (known in some circles as Don't Go In The Woods…Alone!) had passed, a single, solitary thought popped into my head: will I remember any of this a year from my initial viewing, or worse yet, twenty four hours from now? In the realm of cinema, there is nothing worse than a forgettable film, regardless of the genre and the year that it was produced and made. Out of curiosity, I glanced at its overall rating on imdb.com. 

It was a 3.5 out of 10. 

Suddenly, I regretted my decision to press play.

Before I jot down my (very) brief thoughts on this splatterfest, I feel the need to apologize yet again. This time, however, it is for the fact that I simply can not type up a more detailed description of this picture's synopsis. Even by slasher standards, it's too basic and just plain dull. None of our heroes or side characters have any distinguishable personality traits (or acting abilities for that matter) and there's a good chance that they were randomly picked off of the street by the head of the casting department. Hell, they can't even scream well when some of them are being hacked to bits.

It's no wonder than director James Bryan went on to primarily direct skin flicks and/or adult movies after Woods was panned as horribly as it was. While I'm sure that he's a nice individual in real life, he can not for the life of him helm or command a horror film, even a B-grade one. The seven individuals running and mixing the sound don't help things either, as they make every single tourist and law enforcement official sound like they are either whispering or yelling constantly. My cut of Don't Go In The Woods also forsakes the use of a soundtrack (though I've heard that I may have been watching a different cut), and boy does it not help cure your boredom. These choices almost make you forget about how awful of a job those in charge of lighting and cinematography were doing too, until you realize that every kill (save for two admittedly decent-looking scenes involving a bear trap and an art canvas) is too darkly lit and frantically, sloppily shot. I wasn't sure exactly how this Quest For Fire reject that you call a killer was killing each victim, but had it been executed with better technique, I'm sure that it would have left you feeling aghast (how this was classified as a "video nasty" is baffling to me).

There is absolutely nothing worth salvaging from Don't Go In The Woods. It isn't worth your time, it isn't worth your money, and it is better left out of print so that the masses will be spared from feeling lethargic after its eighty two minute running time has wrapped. In the four years that I've been doing this yearly marathon, this was the only time that I've come close to legitimately falling asleep during a motion picture. Is that enough for you?

And should any employees from respectable companies such as Scream Factory or Blue Underground come across this review in the future, I beg of you to never touch this one with a ten foot pole. Not even if someone has a gun pointed at your head.

Tomorrow, it's back to sequelville with the followup to last year's number nine entry, V/H/S 2!