Unseen Terror 2023: Wrap it Up Ryhan (Days 29-31)

Well, I hope everyone had the greatest of times during Halloween. No clever title for this final entry folks. Let's get these last three flicks knocked out while I'm still somewhat awake though.

Writer/director Brian de Palma is definitely no stranger to the marathon, but somehow his rock opera/horror-comedy hybrid Phantom of the Paradise had only been on my radar for about six years or so, as I would often confuse it with other similarly titled pictures or different projects outright. Still, once I took a glimpse at the Blu-Ray from the reliable Shout! Factory (specifically thanks to the managers at Rockville's Barnes & Noble location which I worked at for six years), I officially became determined to track this sucker down at some point while I was still breathing without having to spend an absurd amount of money. Hey, sometimes I'm just a cheapskate folks. *shrugs*

The plot to this oddball of a flick reads like a mixture of Phanom of the Opera and classic German tale Faust, and it follows a young naive singer-songwriter named Winslow (played by the late William Finley of Sisters fame) who is fooled by well-known music producer Swan (Paul Williams) into surrendering his works over to the far more established figure. Framed, jailed, and scarred (both mentally and physically), Winslow dons a new menacing persona that proceeds to terrorize Swan's newly opened concert hall, all the newly masked madman insists that his stolen music be performed by a younger, adored singer (Jessica Harper). The two come to an agreement of sorts but suffice to say things don't turn out how Winslow wants them to. I don't want to get too much further into plot details, because I believe approaching any motion picture as blind as possible is vital to enjoying it as much as you can.

I feel like it's been quite some time since I've been so unapologetically upfront about any flick that I've watched during an "Unseen Terror" marathon, but if there were ever such a thing as an instant buy, Phantom of the Paradise absolutely fits that description. I had such an unbelievably fun time with this, and I'm kicking myself for having slept on it for so bloody long. The cast is all fantastic, with Williams in particular proving why he's such a respected talent in the entertainment industry by not only playing a real arrogant jerk of a villain, but also scoring its undeniably catchy soundtrack. I've yet to explore much of actress Jessica Harper's non-Suspiria film roles (mostly due to laziness), but I had no earthly idea she was also a GREAT singer. Had the whole acting thing not worked out at all, she could have made a killing in the music industry. Finally, there's reliable Gerrit Graham (The Critic, Child's Play 2, TerrorVision) who plays a fabulously flamboyant glam rocker simply known as "Beef." He arguably steals the show every time he's on screen, and his inclusion not only exists to help move the story along, but to also serve as part of another great aspect of Phantom: its subtle takedown of the music industry and its shameless attempt at jumping on board of trends. Hell, look no further than the inclusion of Swan's own pet project known as "The Juicy Fruits," who undergo more than one genre transformation throughout its running time. Now that I think about it, perhaps that's the only minor complaint I have about this eccentric project: I wish it was longer.

I don't have much more to offer when it comes to gushing over Phantom of the Paradise. It's audacious, stylistic, loud, and very colorful. Most of all though, it's fun! This is the kind of movie that I wish Rocky Horror could have been (no disrespect to that crowd though), and it's a shame that people still sleep on it. Go find it however you can (I viewed mine on an on-demand cable TV channel) and just kick back.... for the hell out of it.

........Uh, you'll understand that if you've seen it. Sorry.

Before I type out the review for this bad boy, I'll just preface it by saying that I've only played the first Five Nights at Freddy's video game and while I don't think it's a bad game per se and it certainly has some nice atmosphere, it was a little too reliant on jump scares and too repetitive for my taste. Call me a boomer, but I'm more of a sucker for stuff like Resident Evil or the first-person Alien games. So, I'm approaching this mostly blind and with no great attachment to the source material. After the whole picture had wrapped up and the credits began to roll, I came to the realization that this was very much the definition of "not for me."

If you're unfamiliar with the Five Nights at Freddy's franchise, the core concept (at least in the first game) is that it's a first-person, point-and-click video game where you play a security guard who has taken on an overnight job at a rundown pizzeria. The main problem arises from having to survive each of those evenings while the homicidal animatronic creatures that roam the restaurant during afterhours try to murder you. Some gig huh? To be honest, with how expensive things have been getting as of late, I can't say that I wouldn't try for some sort of similar gig to pay my own bills. I mean, Dollar Tree is now $1.25 tree? Twenty dollars barely gets you half a tank of gas? But I digress.

Off the bat, I could tell that this was likely going to appeal almost exclusively to diehard fans and unlikely to sway casual, unfamiliar viewers over to its side. Plus, it wasn't too long ago that we got the eerily similar Willy's Wonderland with (a mostly silent) Nicolas Cage, which didn't exactly set the world on fire. Unlike that film though, there are a number of more recognizable faces this time around. The movie adaptation focuses primarily on Josh Hutcherson (The Hunger Games), who takes the aforementioned overnight job from a career counselor (Matthew Lillard of Scream and Scooby-Doo fame) to prevent social services from taking away his younger sister and placing her in the hands of her negligent, asshole aunt (Mary Stuart Masterson from Fried Green Tomatoes). Honestly, that's about the best description I can give considering how this is actually a bit messier than I expected it to be, and most of these characters are as interesting as dried milk. Yes, Hutcherson's character is sympathetic, but there are times where I feel like someone should've provided the poor fella with a cup of coffee. Aside from him, everyone just seems to be going through the motions or has very little to work with. I'll always treasure seeing Matthew Lillard on screen, but he's barely present until the very end (taking part in what was one of the silliest twists I've seen in quite some time). Whereas the human presence in the film is lacking, I did appreciate the work that Jim Henson's Creature Shop put into making some very accurate-looking animatronics. It's just too bad that they chose to spend so much of this film's running time on Hutcherson's frequent dream sequences instead, rather than the impressive practical effects. Oh well.

Five Nights at Freddy's is a little too boring and depends far too often on suffocating the viewers with a quick "boo!" gag as much as it can (so I guess it IS game accurate then). It gets to be very tiresome towards the end and I just didn't see anything that would be able to convince someone other than perhaps little kids to make a return to this universe. Then again, kids/preteens are the primary target audience here, and this could be a nice gateway to bigger and more established horror films for some of them (maybe their parents could lend them a VHS player with some fine gems from the 80s/90s for starters). Ultimately my opinion is just that of a small percentage of people who weren't wholly interested in watching this anyway, but I do see the appeal and do hope that it inspires a new generation to seek out some genuinely creepy stuff. As I said several paragraphs ago, it just wasn't my cup of tea, but I hope it makes its fans happy. Currently, it's streaming on Peacock and playing in whatever cinemas are left closest to you.

Ah, but what better way to finish October than with a motion picture where a VHS player is pivotal to its plot? Somehow, I had never seen Japan's highly influential Ring (or Ringu if you're going to be a real weeb) back when I was trying to seek out as many bizarre Japanese horror films as possible. Perhaps it was never available at the Suncoast Video stores I frequented. Perhaps it was because I favored the gorier side of things (a.k.a. the Takashi Miike stuff) rather than the slower, more atmospheric efforts. Regardless, I decided to finally take the plunge and check out Ring on Shudder and though I do wish I could have closed out October with something more in line with Halloween, I feel like this was a damn fine way to conclude this iteration of Unseen Terror.

I feel as though the concept of Ring and/or its American remake The Ring (also good in its own right) is fairly well known, but I'll give a CliffsNotes version anyway: a reporter investigates the mystery behind a supposedly cursed video tape which causes those who view it to die within seven days. The tales of this tape reach our protagonist Reiko, who takes a particular interest to this rumor when she hears of her niece mysteriously passing away after watching it. Teaming with her ex-husband Ryuji, the two dig around to discover its origins and to find out if there's a way to break this purported curse. Though only a mere twenty-five years old, it's still pretty astonishing to see how much of Ring has been lifted or copied by other motion pictures over the decades (for better or worse). Few could hope to reach this level of creepiness though.

There is so much to appreciate here. The film establishes what it is right out of the gate, yet after its initial, shocking opening, it turns into a very slow burn more akin to that of a mystery than an outright horror film (I understand that this is also the case with the book it's based on). It eases you into its bleak universe, which despite being set in the real world, still feels distinctly "alien." Our protagonists are written very well and are quite sympathetic, which adds to the sense of fear whenever you see the flick's "time clock" pop up on screen every now and then. Ring's most impressive aspect is arguably its atmosphere. It looks far dirtier than I expected it to be, and much smaller in scope. When we finally get a glimpse of the film's most notorious...erm, aspect (a.k.a. one of the first images you're likely to see when Googling Ringu), it's no surprise they turned out the way that they are. It's a terribly depressing world, and only adds to the creepy vibe scattered throughout. I also noticed quite a bit of double meaning in its title and dialogue, but that would be giving away some major plot spoilers so I will only address that with people who are indifferent to reveals.

Honestly, what can I say about Ring/Ringu that assorted video essayists haven't already said themselves? It's a tense, slow burn whose impact is still being felt in the horror genre to this day, and I'm hoping that despite its age, it will still garner some new viewers as often as it can. I'm very happy to put one more stamp on my "J-Horror" card that was long overdue, and perhaps I'll finally be able to seek out Ju-On: The Grudge now as well. Ring is streaming on services such as Shudder and Tubi, with a loaded Blu-Ray from Arrow Video out there for purchase as well.

And with that..........we are done. Sort of. Come back in a couple of days or so if you're interested, because I may have some quick notes and extra tidbits about what didn't make the list (and why), what to expect in the future (if anything), and more. Stay spooky.

Unseen Terror 2023: Vampegeddon....That's It (Day 28)

 

Look, I won't sugarcoat it: 2010's Vampegeddon only made it onto this year's list because some have dubbed it the worst vampire movie ever made (though my Jortscenter co-host Victor has claimed that honor belongs to Paul Knop's V is for Vampire). Seeing as how even the smelliest of garbage I've reviewed this year doesn't even have the distinct (dis)honor of falling under the category of "so bad it's good," I was hoping that this would satiate my thirst for trash. But oh boy, even I had no idea what I was in for here.

The plot of Vampegeddon is.... uh, unique. One hundred years ago, the vampire lord Giovanni (yes, that is his name) flees to the American southwest, with the intention of setting up a brood. A British vampire hunter named Longshank follows him, and in the ensuing battle both are killed. Fast forward to present day and a group of mallgoths who want to desperately become vampires unintentionally resurrect Giovanni after one of them purchases an old book from a garage sale. I'll cut to the chase here and just copy & paste my notes word-for-word (in italic) with a few extra tidbits from when I was watching Vampegeddon: 

• "Was this ENTIRE movie done in ADR?" Nope, only about 98% of it. I counted two lines with what sounded like proper, albeit low mixing. I can only assume that the original audio was lost, and they chose to go with this route. It only heightens the ludicrously bad acting though, which is somehow worse than you'd think it is. The only thing that seemed properly mixed was its soundtrack, which audibly sounded like one of those random band samplers you can get outside of a metal show.
• "Is this porn? Did any of the people who worked on this previously work in the porn industry?" Well, as far as I can tell they did not. The comically bad performances, coupled with the cheap effects and filmmaking style (plus the amount of "hey boobs!" cuts) could sure fool me though. It's like if Jim Wynorski studied Tommy Wiseau and sat down to direct a straight-to-video film helmed by a local theater troupe. In that aspect, I feel somewhat bad for picking on this, but I can't ignore it.
• "All of these teenagers are played by people old enough to be their own parents." Yeah, I got nothing else to add to that. It is the unironic version of that Steve Buscemi scene from 30 Rock.
• "Why am I watching this alone? What am I doing with my life?" 

I have yet to see Casablanca or Gone with the Wind in their entirety. I only finished the first season of Breaking Bad. I have only read the works of William Shakespeare out of necessity during my high school years. And yet, I have sat through all of Vampegeddon. More so, I did it without finding a way to stuff myself into the trash chute in my apartment complex. If you are as infatuated with discovering the "cream of the crap" as I am, this MUST make it onto one of your "bad movie night" gatherings. Indeed, it is a truly AWFUL picture, but I'd watch it again any day over most other bad flicks I've seen in recent memory. Sadly, it appears as though obtaining a physical copy of this is rather difficult these days. Luckily, you can find it available to rent on services like Prime Video, or even the way that our lord and savior Lemmy intended it to be watched: free and unedited on YouTube!

Unseen Terror 2023: No Clever Captions (Days 24-27)

Well, let's get through a few more of these things, shall we? I would say that over these last few days, there has been no particular thing to link this crop of movies together other than......uh, they're movies? Sure, let's go with that. Without spoiling a great deal, I will say that all four films are worth seeking out in some sort of capacity.

My first exposure to 1986's woefully underrated Vamp came from browsing through magazines at the bookstores I frequented as a kid (some of whom I ended up working for down the line). Every time I'd see a shot from the film or shots of Grace Jones, I had no earthly what I was looking at. Perhaps because I wasn't in the mood to be confused at the time (a.k.a. I was in the "bring on the gore" phase of my horror fandom), I kept putting it off. Fast forward twenty-something years later and after finally watching the darn thing, I wish I could go back in time and slap my younger self for taking so long. There are also other things I'd kick my own ass for, but those stories are for another day.

The plot to Vamp revolves around a couple of college kids who desperately wish to get into a fairly famous fraternity, so they coerce a fellow student (Gedde Watanabe of Sixteen Candles fame) to assist them with renting a stripper in an attempt to bribe their way in. Heading to a nearby city, the trio find themselves in a fairly "seedy" strip club, where they run into Grace Jones and a gaggle of strange characters that populate the establishment. Oh, and the whole joint is filled with vampires. The first thing you might be thinking of when you hear Vamp's plot synopsis is "hey, didn't From Dusk Till Dawn" do this already? Indeed, it did, but that particular flick didn't come out until ten years after this one. I know people have often said Quentin Tarantino is not so subtle with his influences sometimes, but knowing what kind of an eccentric person he is, I would absolutely not be surprised to hear that he thinks Vamp is the bee knees. Plus, whereas Dusk is more a welding of action and horror, Vamp primarily focuses on comedy and horror.

Slight similarities aside, does the final product work? Well, I'd say that minus a few things that fall under the "cool for cool's sake" banner, it does. The cast is all pretty darn great, with a few familiar faces like the previously mentioned Watanabe, Sandy Baron (yes, Jack Klompus from Seinfeld), blog favorite Billy Drago, and Deedee Pfeiffer (House III, Big Sky) out and about. The glue that holds this whole thing together though is Grace Jones, and to be perfectly honest with you, I don't think it would warrant too many revisits if she wasn't present. Playing the head vampire and acting almost exclusively mute, she just has this aura that can't really be replicated. Her frequent and very unique wardrobe changes do seem like an excuse to let the costume department play around, but hey, it's a 'B' movie after all.

It's pretty late right now, so I think I'll just finish this by saying Vamp is camp. It's also very fun and has a pretty solid soundtrack for good measure. It's currently streaming on Tubi and the fine folks over at Arrow Video also released a fairly packed Blu-Ray not too long ago.

It didn't occur to me until a few days ago that there wasn't a single kaiju/giant monster movie on this year's list, which is kind of a surprising when you consider that it's become something of an unofficial requirement for my marathon. After I gave up trying to track down the '09 remake of Children of the Corn however, there was an open spot to fill, and one gargantuan, fire-breathing reptile decided to drop in. Somehow, this is the first time that Godzilla's main rival (at least, from a rival Japanese studio) has made an appearance for Unseen Terror, though after sitting through 2006's Gamera the Brave, perhaps I should've chosen to revisit one of his darker forays from the 90s rather than what is essentially an "old school" Gamera movie done in modern day. Not a complaint though!

Gamera the Brave's plot has a lot in common with your basic "boy and his dog" story, or even beloved sci-fi classic E.T the Extra-Terrestrial. Thirty-three years after a battle between Gamera and a flock of enemy monsters nearly destroyed Japan (prevented due to Gamera sacrificing itself to halt the destruction), a young boy named Toru discovers a mysterious egg near the same shore where the battle took place. It hatches a baby turtle. which is nicknamed "Toto" by the kid and kept in secret from his father. Within a very short amount of time however, little Toto starts to grow a little larger...and larger...and larger. When a new monster arrives to wreak havoc across the country however, it's all now in the hands of the smaller Toto to step up and save the world as his predecessor did before him.

If you're thinking that the plot synopsis doesn't sound like anything that could fall under the "horror" category, I would say that you're technically correct (the best kind of correct). However, this could also fall well under another sub-category that I've been trying to cover more of over the years, and that's "family-friendly horror." Nothing in here is TOO frightening to scare younger kids, but it's got just enough menace from the new antagonistic kaiju Zedus (a man-eating sea lizard with neck frills and a piercing tongue) to keep them on the edge of their seats. Plus, the fight sequences are pretty stellar, and they even managed to break the stereotype of the kid friendly Gamera movies by having a child protagonist who isn't a completely unsympathetic, irritating pain in the ass. Big wag of the finger to some of the extended monologue sequences in its third act though, and the fact that we never get to hear the iconic Gamera "roar" is a little puzzling to me.

This is a grand little flick though. Unfortunately, burnout from the Japanese public in regard to kaiju films (at least during the mid 2000s) KILLED Gamera the Brave at the box office, so this never received any proper follow-up. Still, it's kind of a precious little project. If you've got young children of your own, this is a great jumping on point for them when it comes to giant monster movies. Yes, they will have to read subtitles, but I think they'll be so entranced by the sights of little Toto fighting the significantly larger Zedus (or be charmed by his silly, albeit familiar antics when he's still hand-sized) that they won't mind. It's currently streaming on Amazon Prime and Arrow Video's own streaming service (which also houses the entire Gamera franchise, save for this year's Gamera Rebirth on Netflix, but I'll get to that eventually).

And now for a complete tonal shift! It was through the now-defunct Shock Waves podcast that I first learned of 2017's Terrified (no, NOT the one with the psychotic clown) from Argentina, as it made several of the hosts' top 10 flicks of the year. Going into the film, I knew next to nothing, including the plot or even what subgenre this would fall under. While I think you ultimately could classify it as supernatural horror film, there is a lot more to deal with besides the spiritual. Grief and suburban fears play a fairly big part of what makes certain scenes in Terrified so effective.

I don't want to give away too much information in regard to the plot, as I feel going into Terrified as blind as you can is what made it work so well for me. A series of very peculiar and violent events begin occurring around a small neighborhood in Buenos Aries, and a trio of investigators (two paranormal experts, one police commissioner) begin to snoop around in an attempt to discover why things have been going awry so often and so suddenly. Brief as that synopsis may be, I feel like it's just enough to not give away anything, as even the smallest of points in its first twenty minutes play a much larger part in the film's latter half. Ironically enough, that second half also kicks the film into overdrive by dropping some truly horrific imagery into your lap (though there are some spotty CGI effects once in a while), with some of the flick giving off the vibe like it's intentionally trying to hurt you. What's all the more effective is how deadly serious the characters seem to be taking this. There's no Hollywood pizzaz going on; it's ugly, dark, and dreary. 

If you're a fan of modern-day horror flicks such as Insidious or The Conjuring, there's a very good chance that'll you end up really enjoying Terrified. Personally, I think it blows the former out of the water and the latter wishes it had the balls to do to the Warrens what it does to these poor souls. Terrifically creepy and moody, with some of the best scares I've had this month so far. Turn off the lights, settle in, choose your watching area with the best sound output possible, and try to just put yourself into this world. It's currently streaming as a Shudder exclusive, though I hope that somehow it will make its way to a wider audience over time. Coincidentally, director Demian Rugna's next foray into horror (Where Evil Lurks) will be making its streaming debut this weekend on Shudder, and I for one can't wait to see just what the man can bring us in the future.

Aussie horror flick Lake Mungo may fit this yearly marathon better than most films I've previously reviewed, as save for a select few individuals (Jay Bauman from RedLetterMedia was the first one I heard sing its praises), I've heard virtually nobody talk about it. When it IS discussed however, people often swoon over its creepy nature, filming style, and how it's a shame that more people have yet to discover its greatness. Cliched as it may sound, you can add my name to the list, as this was yet another knockout for 2023's iteration of "Unseen Terror." See what happens when you're finally done with He Who Walks Behind the Rows?

I went into Lake Mungo knowing virtually nothing about the picture save for the fact that it was inexplicably released via independent movie production company "After Dark Films." The quality of the flicks distributed by them is debatably more varied than that of similar collections such as the "8 Films to Die For" series, but when they manage to land a hit, it's usually a fairly impressive one (2007's Frontiers from France is also worth seeking out). To my surprise, Lake Mungo is actually filmed as a faux documentary, which covers a family as they attempt to come to terms with the death of their daughter, but supernatural elements start to occur soon afterwards. Nobody is quite sure what happens after you pass away, but what if she didn't?

The movie employs a variety of different techniques to tell a fascinating story that you become so immersed in that you swear could be real. The actors speak about as normal as the people you see in your average documentary, and I'm not sure how much of that was improvisation encouragement given to them by writer/director Joel Anderson or if the script was just written very oddly. Found footage scenes interspliced throughout only add to the tension and make you feel just as uneasy as this grieving family does about the possibility that perhaps there is life beyond death. I would say that if I had one complaint it's that there are a few too many characters to keep track of, but all of them serve the greater picture in some sort of way. Removing even the most minor of figures such as the daughter's friend who has barely a minute or two of screen time lessens the impact of certain reveals.

This is the kind of little gem that I love to see. Lake Mungo is a very slow burn, but worth staying with. It's the project that films like The Fourth Kind or The Devil Inside wishes it could be, and it is further proof that Australia may very well be the most underrated country for delivering creepy films to the masses. It's currently streaming on a variety of services (I watched it on Shudder) and I think it's worth seeking out.

Unseen Terror 2023: Destroy the King's Crops (Days 20-23)

Work sucks. Sorry y'all.

I feel like I owe whoever reads these posts an apology: despite my (not actual) best efforts, I will NOT be able to finish the entire Children of the Corn franchise this year. As it turns out, there seems to be some unseen forces at work because the second adaptation (if we're talking about full-length films) of Stephen King's short story, which premiered on the SyFy Channel back in 2009, is unavailable to stream ANYWHERE. Hell, even the reliable archive.org doesn't seem to have any link to the darn thing. The only way to obtain a physical copy is to purchase a Region 2 Blu-Ray...for SIXTY DOLLARS. I'm unsure as to how much money went into making the picture itself but given the downward spiral of this godawful franchise, I'd bet money that you make your own Children of the Corn film for that same amount. So, perhaps another day.

Nah, probably not. Anyways, let's move on to....

.........Children of the Corn. The 2020 adaptation.

*sigh*

I did approach the newest entry in this exhaustingly long franchise (filmed in 2020 but delayed for three years thanks to various reasons and/or Covid-19) with an open mind. After all, this was being promoted as a soft reboot and you've got a decent writer/director this time around in the form of Kurt Wimmer. Wimmer's body of work is a fascinating one. He only has four directing credits to his name (his best film arguably being Equilibrium), but a LOT more when it comes to writing. Heck, just glancing at his Wikipedia page shows he has three remakes under his belt (Point Break, Total Recall, The Thomas Crown Affair), and even though those weren't all warmly received, there's always a chance this could be a hit.

Then again, sometimes there are just properties that are beyond help, and no matter what fancy coat of paint you try to use on Children of the Corn, it just seems destined to be a putrid mess. The plot of this is more akin to that of a pre-make (ala the 2011 version of The Thing) than a straight-up remake. The only things this feature shares with all preceding entries in this series are corn, creepy kids killing adults, and being set in Nebraska. Oddly enough, the film doesn't seem to offer much in the way of religious fanaticism this time around, and seemingly wants to focus on how small towns can sell out to bigger companies by receiving a crop subsidy. Or something like that. Though I'm open to new ideas, the manner in which this is executed is pretty laughable. The film seems intent on making the adults look like the evil ones this time around, so when the killings begin, suddenly you (and lead actress Elena Kampouris) are supposed to do an immediate 180 and side with them again. It's just kind of a mess.

I'll give credit where it is due though: in terms of casting, this features some folks who I hope will go on to star in bigger and better pictures. The aforementioned Kampouris has the makings of a good scream queen if she chooses to pursue it, and lead villainess Eden (Kate Moyer) is the best baddie we've had in these movies since The Final Sacrifice. Yes, she can occasionally chew the scenery, but she seems fully aware of what this is. Everyone else is fairly forgettable though, and that's the worst thing you can be in a bad Children of the Corn flick. For what is unforgettable (and unforgivable) this time around is the laughably bad CGI and decision to finally give us a "real" look at He Who Walks Behind the Rows. Without going into too many spoilers, I'll just assume that someone in the creative department snuck into 'B' movie company the Asylum's offices late at night and stole their concept art for "that one tree guy from Marvel but made of stalks." Bafflingly terrible, and I can't imagine how much worse it looked on a big screen when it received a very brief theatrical run this year (the first entry to go to cinemas since Part II).

My viewings of films released during this year have been very limited, but I'll go on record in saying that I doubt I'll see a worse flick than this in the horror genre for 2023. It isn't the very worst Children of the Corn picture, but even by its lower-than-low standards it's VERY bad. Currently, it's streaming as an "exclusive" for Shudder, but please watch literally anything else on there. They're very nice people over there with an excellent catalog of movies to choose from, but not everything warrants a watch.

Remember when I briefly alluded to the 2009 Children of the Corn film being (technically) the second FULL-LENGTH adaptation of King's short story? Well, that's because I made the very strange discovery while assembling this year's list that there was a short film that preceded 1984's Children of the Corn by a whole year, but due to the name rights being snatched up so soon, wasn't legally allowed to call itself that. 1983's Disciples of the Crow is a fairly straightforward handling of the source material, though with a microbudget and some slight alterations. For example, this is set in Oklahoma rather than Nebraska, and the characters of Malachai and Isaac are nowhere to be found. The lead characters are also far more irritating, which if memory serves me correctly was also the case in King's short story. Points for authenticity?

Anyways, it runs for about twenty minutes and isn't that bad. Not required viewing, but it's up on YouTube for those who are curious.

And since we're speaking of YouTube...

Three years ago, I watched and reviewed the rather infamous fan favorite film Phallus in Wonderland, starring everyone's most feared and beloved interplanetary conquerors GWAR. The Antarctica-based madmen are truly one of a kind in the world of musical entertainment, and it's easy to forget just how much stuff they've delved into besides releasing full-length albums and murdering every living being with a Wikipedia page. For example, I wasn't aware that there wasn't just one picture Gwar produced and starred in, but several. Skulhedface was released around the same time that Gwar's fourth album hit the shelves (the brilliantly titled "This Toilet Earth") and was reportedly considered for a theatrical release. However, the MPAA deemed that it could never be released as anything other than NC-17 and since it was far too graphic to edit down to an 'R' rated film, it just went straight to VHS instead.

The plot is...well, how do you go into anything Gwar-related without making yourself giggle just a bit when typing it out? Our beloved "Scumdogs" are hosting a telethon wherein people are being offed and fed to appease the creature known as the "World Maggot." If they offer enough sacrifices to the beast, there is a chance that Gwar would finally be able to leave this godforsaken dumpster fire of a planet. Elsewhere, an evil media corporation known as "GlomCo" has taken notice of these events and decide to bribe Gwar's manager (Sleazy P. Martini) into selling the group out to make Saturday morning cartoons. To nobody's surprise, this doesn't go well, and soon the band comes face to face with a dastardly being known simply as Skulhedface.

Still with me?

Look, this is exactly what you think it is. It's debaucherous, immature, gross, and loud. So, in other words, if you're a fan of Gwar (like me) you'll be quite content for the entirety of its hour-long running time. Also, getting Sebastian Bach of Skid Row and Jello Biafra of The Dead Kennedys for small parts is brilliant casting. It's currently streaming on YouTube.

Thought we were done with Stephen King, eh? Well, it turns out I had completely forgotten that 2017's Gerald's Game had been sitting in my Netflix queue for several years with no reason as to why it never left. Hell, damn near everyone and their mother had been discussing it and I just kept replying with stuff along the lines of "yeah, I'll get to eventually." Well, what better time than after I've been beaten over the head with cornstalks and soaked with alien fluids?

...erm, anyway.

The plot for Gerald's Game is centered on married couple Jessie and Gerald (played by Carla Gugino and Bruce Greenwood respectively), who rent an isolated lake house for a romantic getaway. In an attempt at spicing things up in their love life, Jessie agrees to take part in some "kinky" roleplaying, which leaves her handcuffed to the bedposts. Initially Jessie plays along with her husband's idea, but then grows uncomfortable with this "fantasy" that Gerald seems to have, and after a heated argument, her husband suddenly drops dead from a heart attack. Trapped to two bedposts and with seemingly no way to free herself, Jessie has to devise a way to escape all while battling not just dehydration, but inner demons and hidden trauma.

Like a lot of King's best works, Gerald's Game can take something so simple (though not without potential of terrible consequences) and make it the most nightmarish scenario possible. Being stuck in an area and environment that she's unfamiliar with (and which is surprisingly claustrophobic), you truly feel scared for Jessie. I've long been a champion of Carla Gugino (Sin City, Spy Kids, The Haunting of Hill House) as an incredibly underrated actress, and she might be giving the performance of her life here. Bruce Greenwood (Thirteen Days, Star Trek) also plays an equally good part of what makes this work so well, delivering a slimier performance than expected considering that the "real" Gerald (not a spoiler!) dies quite early in the film. Truth be told, there isn't a single bad performance in here whatsoever, but it really is Gugino's time to shine here, and she knocks it out of the damn stadium. Give the woman her damn flowers. Perhaps if there was one complaint I have about Gerald's Game, it would be the very odd and jarring final ten minutes or so, which unfortunately adds fuel to the fire of King's critics who say that he can't quite write a proper ending without something preposterous occurring. I can't say that I disagree with that statement either, and the more I thought about it, the more it does hurt this film's potential as a future "re-watch."

The final few minutes aside, Gerald's Game is absolutely stellar. Great acting, great tension, and a very faithful adaptation of a very underrated (and often thought unfilmable) book. As stated above, it's streaming as a Netflix exclusive.

Did I mention that it's also the first film this month to make me actively wince and elicit a genuine "oh good lord no?" 

No? Well, it did.

Unseen Terror 2023: Piégé En Enfer (Day 19)

Though I'm fairly certain I've stated it before, I grew up as a "90s baby." I don't have as much attachment to a great deal of properties established in the decade prior to it as others do, but I'm always willing to catch up. There often seems to be this rather strange opinion that the 1990s were a dark time for horror, and when you consider how many of the titans of the genre fell off fast and hard, it's understandable to be critical. Plus, you had the emergence of "meta" slashers which almost seemed to insinuate that the genre itself had become predictable (not true). However, in recent years, I feel as though the champions of 90s horror have been winning people over by reminding them that horror wasn't just alive during that time period, but it was evolving, and more creative ideas were coming to the forefront. The low-budget Canadian oddball known as Cube was one such film that garnered a lot of attention upon release, but I'll admit that I never got around to viewing it until now because...well, I'm not quite sure why. Sometimes I just take a while to do things, okay?

Cube's plot revolves around a group of six strangers who wake up trapped inside of a small room with no memory of how they ended up there. It doesn't take long to realize that everyone is trapped inside of what is essentially a maze. For every room you enter, there is a chance that it could contain either a hint of how to escape or a horrific booby trap. The "horror game" subgenre has grown larger over the last few years with the popularity of the Saw franchise, but the blueprints for its explosion are found directly in Cube. Unlike those flicks however, I had a more genuine sense of dread and claustrophobia than I ever imagined. This is such a large labyrinthian prison, and once I discovered that most of this film was shot in essentially one room (with lighting tricks and clever camera cuts covering up its lack of budget), my respect for it only grew. It's like what the immortal Burt Gummer once said: doing what you can with what you got.

However, there is a complaint that knocks Cube down a peg for me, and that all comes down to the on-screen performances. Don't get me wrong, nobody is BAD in this per se (not a fan of casting someone who's not on the spectrum as an autistic person though), but the exchanges between characters feels very snippy, hostile, and carefree to the point which does make it feel a bit dated. Perhaps the screenwriters were in a bit of rush to get the project started as soon as possible. One character also has a remarkably fast descent into madness which admittedly does result in a pretty scary performance, but also feels like it could have been fleshed out a bit more. Still, even as someone who isn't afraid of close spaces, I CAN imagine that I'd probably lose my mind in there at some point, even if it would probably take more than just a single day. There are also some pretty big questions that never get the answers that we are (seemingly) promised, but as I understand there is a sequel out there. Perhaps that will explain a bit more. Or not, who knows. *shrugs*

Some dated 90s cliches aside, I was thoroughly entranced by Cube and really enjoyed the overall product. It's a remarkably smart, slick sci-fi/horror hybrid that makes the most use of its lower cost and delivers a story that's never boring. A weird little gem for people who are patient (or who grew up wanting to be mathematicians!). As of this writing, it's streaming on a majority of services (Plex, Tubi, and Pluto TV have it). Give it a whirl unless you're a square. 

.....wait don't go! The days of bad puns are over, I s(q)wear.

Yeah, that one was worse.

Unseen Terror 2023: Ich Fühle Mich Unwohl (Day 18)

 

You know, I've been doing this silly little marathon for over a decade, and it takes quite a bit for a film to truly get under my skin. More often than not, most of the pictures on here that end up with recommendations receive such accolades because they could be categorized as "fun." But then you get those flicks that truly make you feel like you need a shower and have you questioning if you really truly do love horror movies. More so, you adore them yet are afraid to actually be scared yourself. It is very rare that something genuinely disturbs me or leaves me at a loss for words. It's happened with stuff like Ken Russell's The Devils, Kim Jee-woon's I Saw the Devil, and the often-overlooked Belgian movie Man Bites Dog. Tonight's viewing, 1983's Austrian "home invasion" movie Angst, is going to be a very hard movie to talk about. The fact that this picture is loosely based on the real-life killings by Werner Kniesek only amplifies its cruelty and vile nature. It's a deeply uncomfortable watch that feels like it's punishing you for staying along for the ride.

Coincidentally, it's also a fan-FUCKING-tastically made feature with one of the best lead performances I've ever seen in a horror movie and some brilliant camera work that despite being forty years old, outshines pictures with astronomically higher budgets. The plot is very simple: we follow an unnamed psychopath (played by Erwin Leder of Das Boot and Underworld fame) as he is released from prison in what feels like "real time." From the very moment we hear his voiceovers, we ARE this character though. Every little moment feels like we have been locked into his mind and aren't sure where the key is. Starting with internal monologues about two women at a diner who he almost immediately decides that he wants to hurt (but doesn't pull the trigger) and eventually leading to him committing unspeakably evil deeds at a random house he decides to break into. It's that very rare examination of a psychotic human being that forces you to experience every awful impulse, every outburst of paranoia, and every impulsive decision of when one decides to take the life of his fellow man.

The camera work by Polish filmmaker and award winner Zbigniew Rybczynski is just in a league of its own. Pulling and twisting in a manner befitting of its very evil main character, it adds to the ice-cold nature of the picture. I truly don't think that this movie works without it. The acting, as hinted above, is perfection as well. Nothing over-the-top whatsoever, with Leder giving a performance that could shake the core of even the most hardened of veterans. None of the supporting cast are officially given names either, but it's irrelevant. After all, we're along for the (horrific) ride, and I doubt he'd even care about what their names were before he'd consider killing them. The on-screen murders, while most likely outshined over the years by the gratuitous nature of slasher pictures, are filmed in such a manner that it hurts far more seeing how they're carried out, not by how "insane" they are.

Earlier today, I wasn't sure I would even feel comfortable writing about Angst. With how awful the world has been as of late and how incredibly depressing it's been on social media, I felt like the energy has been drained from my soul. I had to tough it out though, because I did have to remind myself that this is just a movie after all. It's unlike anything I've seen recently and will likely go down as one of the most deranged, animalistic flicks I've seen in the entire history of "Unseen Terror," but simultaneously one of the best. I'd highly recommend it for those who can resist or tolerate its cruel nature, but don't say I didn't warn you. Currently, it's available for streaming on Tubi and you can even find some good rips of it on YouTube (including a Blu-Ray rip with director Gerald Kargl's commentary, whose career this likely destroyed).

Unseen Terror 2023: Bumpin' All Over Town (Days 16-17)

Yep, we're doing the yearly Goosebumps visit. Again. It's sort of an unofficial requirement for me these days, isn't it? Stick around after I quickly discuss these three episodes for something newer and potentially more exciting though.

The Headless Ghost was a Goosebumps book that unfortunately alluded me as a kid (sometimes you had to pick and choose what was available at your local library), so I'm going into this one completely blind. It's about two immature pranksters (one male, one female) who find themselves trapped in a seaside house that's presumably haunted by.... well, a headless ghost. It's perfectly fine. Considering the caliber of performances we've seen throughout this TV series; the kids here are surprisingly pretty decent (even if their characters are completely unlikeable jerks). The tour guide for the house is played by character actor Dennis O'Connor, who has made minor appearances in stuff like In the Mouth of Madness and Trilogy of Terror II. His mutton chops and the surprisingly good twists in the end helps it to receive a thumbs up. Updating this story to fit into the newer Goosebumps show on Hulu could prove to be a lot of fun and make that show even more enjoyable..........I think I just gave away something about the end of this post. Crap.

Sadly, I never read any of the "Tales to Give You Goosebumps" collections when those were being published, as I think I had already moved on to Stephen King and the like by then. Thus, the adaptation of short story Don't Wake Mummy doesn't really have any significance to me and again, I have no familiarity with the source material. The plot is pretty easy: a family inherits a sarcophagus that houses a living, breathing mummy. It's...okay. My main problem with it comes from the fact that after watching this and The Headless Ghost back-to-back (and recalling other episodes I'd reviewed in the past), I realized that this show had a seriously hard time trying to write young girls as anything other than obnoxious, assholes, bullies, or all of the above. Look, I know I'm complaining about a Canadian kids show from the 1990s, but it's still disappointing. Throwing a mummy's heart into a garbage disposal (which causes its body to fall apart like it lost a final round in Mortal Kombat) is pretty dope though.

Now we're getting somewhere! Thankfully, I DO remember reading The Barking Ghost, and somehow never saw the adaptation of it. Hell, that book cover alone didn't help with my cynophobia (nor did seeing Cujo and Man's Best Friend when I was far too young). Thankfully that started to slowly vanish over time, and once we got our first dog Ozzy, that disappeared for good. The story is a bit of an oddball, as it deals more with body swapping and possession than evil dogs (though in this case, the titular creature is actually a duo of thief spirits who attempt to swap forms with two kids). "Body switch" stories in kids shows can prove to be very fun, and I think this is pretty decent for the most part. The major difference between the printed story and adaptation is a slight variation in the ending, with it receiving a bit more of a "feel good" wrap-up in regard to our two leads.

Speaking of "feel good" though...

I was only made aware of there being a new television series based around the R.L. Stine books about a couple of months ago or so. Admittedly, I was nervous not because of it potentially being "bad" and tarnishing the legacy of Goosebumps (I've sat through enough of those old episodes to tell you that your nostalgia goggles need a thorough cleaning), but because the oversaturation of horror television shows (and milking a cash cow dry) can sometimes lead to quality taking a backseat to pandering or the idea of "it's horror, they'll watch it. Whatever." My spirits were lifted quite a bit when I saw that it had the involvement of both Rob Letterman, who directed the 2015 film adaptation of the franchise (plus Detective Pikachu!) and Nicholas Stoller, whose body of work while VERY mixed, has written some films that I think are legitimately great (Captain Underpants, The Muppets 2011). I said, "let's have at it."

As someone who had avoided any and all trailers affiliated with this show, I was completely taken by surprise when I discovered that 2023's Goosebumps, unlike its 90s counterpart, is NOT an anthology series, but rather a traditional story with connecting elements and influences from the books themselves. It's a bold choice, though I will admit that I kind of miss the standalone element. You could just throw on a random episode and not worry about if you needed to catch up on anything. For example, infamous stories from the Goosebumps catalog such as "The Haunted Mask" and "The Cuckoo Clock of Doom" make appearances in one, singular area (in this case a haunted house that harbors the spirit of a murdered teenager and a plethora of tainted relics), and the first few episodes follow individual characters who experience the aftermath of interacting with the objects from said tales. Weirdly enough, the house itself acts as a sort of "base" where anything and everything can go wrong, with each character eventually all meeting up with one another and fully convinced that they aren't the only ones experiencing some seriously bizarre stuff as of late. It is reminiscent of a fun little oddity from 2010 called Todd & The Book of Pure Evil, which I pray will someday get the love that it truly deserves. I'm sure that the main question on your mind is this though: can you stop yammering and let me know if the dang thing is any good? Well, yeah. I think it's pretty good.

The cast is all solid, and I'll give extra points for diversity too (personality-wise the characters themselves will take some getting used to though). Apparently, there is a small contingent of people complaining about this online, but personally I'm all here for it. Besides, if I wanted to see inexperienced, awkward Caucasian kids act and scream terribly, I'd go watch the 1990s show or your parents' reaction after I push little Brydehn into a locker as punishment for them raising an incel. I only recognized two faces in this troupe, and they were both on the older side. Daily Show and Reno 911! vet Rachael Harris and Heroes star Leonard Roberts play some of teens' parents who may or may not know more about these freaky occurrences than they're willing to talk about. While they're both fun, they cannot hold a candle to the MVP of this new show: Justin Long. With his wonderfully wacky, weird, and deceptively creepy performance as the series' main antagonist (at least as of the 3 episodes I've watched), he's officially cemented himself as a "Scream King" in the genre. After all, Drag Me to Hell, Barbarian, Tusk, and Jeepers Creepers under his belt, who's to say he hasn't earned that title or his flowers? He's the glue that holds this whole thing together, and I am hoping that whatever happens later on in the season, he still somehow gets to stick around.

I'm expecting that 2023's Goosebumps won't be to everyone's liking, but I'm finding the experience to very enjoyable so far. It's a love letter to the books that also attempts to tell its own story (even if it's somewhat familiar territory), and it isn't too overly scary or vulgar that you couldn't watch it with your own kids. Check it out on Hulu or Disney+ if you have the time!

Unseen Terror 2023: Lovejoys and Killjoys (Days 14-15)

Don't worry, we're getting close to finishing this godforsaken series and leaving Gatlin, Nebraska forever. In fact, around the halfway point of Children of the Corn: Runaway (the TENTH entry in this franchise that has somehow spawned more sequels than other horror franchises such as Elm Street), I came to the realization that I had already laid my poor eyes upon this flick once before. Maybe it was a drunken rental from the Redbox, but it may have also been due to morbid curiosity. Most likely it was both. Perhaps a lengthy hiatus between viewings and approaching it with little-to-nothing in terms of memories retained would make for a better re-watch. After all, that's been my experience when revisiting flicks like Martyrs and Dead Heat, which I initially didn't care for but now genuinely enjoy.

Despite being more competently made this time around, the plot (centered around a then-pregnant woman who escaped Gatlin) is a jumbled mess with far too many "creepy vision" sequences and a LOT of nothing going. The plot twist in its third act is ridiculous, the color palette makes you wish you were watching other films from around 2018 and before, and all of the franchise's staples are poorly represented (if not ignored). If you're looking to see what other tricks "He Who Walks Behind the Rows" has up its sleeve or want to see some crazy corn-related crap, you're going to be sorely disappointed. I'm genuinely surprised that this has the name of John Gulager attached to it, as I really enjoyed his first directorial debut Feast and even aspects of that movie's sequels. I wonder if perhaps there was someone in Hollywood whose hands he forgot to shake at a dinner party. Around this time, he also took part in the equally dreadful Hellraiser: Judgement, which much like Children of the Corn: Runaway, was also made so that Dimension wouldn't lose the rights to a series that could potentially fall back into talented hands. Digging around a bit I did discover that both of these films shared a filming location with one another, which could explain why both look so hideous and cheap. Truly there is no better way to kill two birds with one stone...at least in the realm of bottom tier sequels. Toss it in the garbage.

I wasn't overly familiar with 1985's Too Scared to Scream, but many moons ago I recalled hearing Chuck Dowling of the BMFCast (and another "31 Horror Movies in 31 Days" maestro) discuss how this was one of the best surprises he came across while he was still doing his own yearly marathon. All it takes is one glance at the cast list and you'll see why I finally decided to give this one a try. For starters, Ian McShane (Deadwood, Lovejoy, John Wick) is in a 1980s horror film! You've also got Anne Archer (Fatal Attraction), John Heard (Big, Home Alone), and Mike Connors (Mannix) on the lineup, with an extra bonus of actor Tony Lo Bianco (The French Connection, The Honeymoon Killers) sitting in the director's chair. An exceptional list of talents that all ultimately end up producing a pretty okay little picture.

The plot of Too Scared to Scream is nothing flashy. Someone has been murdering the tenants of a plush, high-rise apartment building in New York, and it's up to a couple of officers to discover who the perpetrator is. Their primary suspect is the doorman who works evening shifts (a rather handsome Ian McShane), who seems a tad too polite and has a rather eccentric relationship with his mother. Without diving into spoiler territory, it unfolds exactly how you think it will, yet still packs a few surprises in for good measure. While watching, I kept wondering how much of a nightmare it must have been trying to market this to the "blood and guts" crowd which dominated the box office when it came to scary movies. It values substance and procedural work over style yet was still pushed as a "slasher" film (it's got plenty on the "nekkid" side of things though). The poster seems to be a clear homage to the Italian "Giallo" subgenre, but it lacks a lot of the over-the-top nature that is a mainstay of those films. It's also got a lot of "wacky sitcom" moments (the scene with a police informant outside of a nightclub HAS to be seen to be believed) that can occasionally kill the serious tone. Still, it all mostly works. Unfortunately, just when this film was in my good graces, its ending stretch brings the whole thing to a screeching halt and filled me with that same frustration that I felt when I watched Dressed to Kill for the first time (another Giallo-influenced thriller). To call it problematic is being kind.

Too Scared to Scream is ALMOST a great movie. The acting is solid, the style is just the right mix of American slasher, fun 1970s cop TV program, and Italian Giallo mystery, and it's a pretty quick watch. Still, those final ten minutes are VERY rushed and the killer's reveal/motivations kind of takes the wind out of the picture's sails. I'd still give it a recommendation overall, but I was so saddened by what could have been. Currently, it's unavailable for purchase in the states outside of the VHS market and a rather pricey Blu-Ray released by Ronin Flix, but if you don't want to take that approach, there's always the streaming route. Heck, I watched my copy on YouTube (*cough cough*)

Unseen Terror 2023: Loungin' 'Round with Linnea (Days 11-13)

These past few days have been a little on the chaotic side, with my own birthday, sickness, and a bit of depression all delaying my ability to publish fully written reviews. Still, the show must go on. For future reference though, I may decide to publish these in clusters rather than individual entries. It's a little easier for me personally. Anyways, let's stop the rambling and talk about things. More specifically, let's talk about one of the all-time greats in the realm of horror cinema (more specifically, scream queens).

Horror fanatics are most likely familiar with Iowa stalwart Linnea Quigley, but for those who aren't, she's a noteworthy figure in beloved classics such as The Return of the Living Dead (in perhaps its most infamous scene), Night of the Demons, and Silent Night, Deadly Night. Those genre classics are only scratching the surface of the immensely talented 'B' movie queen's filmography though. In addition to being who many would consider the absolute top in the "trashy movie performers" tier list, she's also got a great sense of humor, body confidence, and knows her audience. For no reason whatsoever, I decided to dedicate these last three days solely to pictures starring Ms. Quigley. The results were (expectedly) mixed, but still worth discussing.

There are three things about 1987's Creepozoids that I think are genuinely entertaining: the poster is ridiculously great (though very misleading), the score is surprisingly well done, and Linnea Quigley is a hoot. When one discards those however, you're left with what is ostensibly a very poor knockoff of Alien set in a post-apocalyptic wasteland that looks suspiciously like the back allies and runoffs in California. Also, the word "Creepozoid" is never uttered a single time and the movie just kind of...stops. We get a lengthy fight with a mutant baby that sort of "ends between rounds" if you get my drift. A real slog, though not without some charm to be found. It's out there on Tubi for those who are interested. You can also watch co-star Kim McKamy in other.....erm, ventures if you like what you see here.

In what has to be a first for this marathon's history, we're now diving right into a workout video. Three years after Creepozoids' release, Quigley had become a bit of a darling in the realm of "cult" cinema. During the filming of 1989's Murder Weapon, the actress and another cast member jokingly talked about how physically strenuous it can be to do films of this nature. Thus, the idea of creating a "horror workout" film was born and completed within two days. In it, Linnea shows you how she manages to stay in such great shape all while avoiding zombies and murderers. In the actress' own words, "just because you're dead, do you think you can just let yourselves go?"

To be perfectly honest, I'm unsure of how to properly review Horror Workout. Much to my surprise, this turned out to be more of a compilation of Quigley's scenes from other starring/co-starring vehicles (most clips are from, ironically enough, Creepozoids) and a few moments where the actress breaks the fourth wall even further by jokingly chastising the audience for what she knows they're really doing during her films. Personally, I will plead the fifth. If you want to add this to your queue though, it's available via physical media or streaming (Tubi has the CENSORED version, which seems blasphemous). I'd recommend that if you still wish to spend about an hour's worth of your time (and DON'T want to shell out $23 for a Blu-Ray), it's available to watch on archive.org. I honestly forget that thing exists sometimes.

For the thirteenth day, I was searching far and wide to see if perhaps Linnea had appeared in a Friday the 13th film at some point in her career, but alas it did not appear so. Thankfully, she DID appear in another picture towards the end of the 1980s and while it lacks a killer sporting a jumpsuit and hockey mask, this flick entertains in its own weird way. Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama (try saying THAT five times fast) is directed by the same individual who gave us the aforementioned Creepozoids (Full Moon Entertainment mainstay David DeCoteau, also of A Talking Cat!?! fame) and also features Quigley's old co-star Hal Havins from Night of the Demons alongside other scream queens such as Brinke Stevens and Michelle Bauer. Amusingly enough, all three of these wonderfully talented women have worked with director DeCoteau multiple times throughout the years: aside from having Quigley in Creepozoids, he directed the trio in Nightmare Sisters (also released in 1988) and had Bauer as a supporting character in Puppet Master III: Toulon's Revenge (aka the one where the puppets undergo a face turn and kill nazis. It rocks).

The story is focused on a group of five college students (two of whom are sorority pledges, three of which are peeping toms caught by said pledges) who are ordered to break into a bowling alley during afterhours in order to nab a trophy. While there, they run into a burglar (Quigley) who helps them retrieve the trophy, but during a slight mishap it falls to the floor and breaks. In a very strange twist, an evil imp (calling himself "Uncle Impie") pops out and the story essentially turns into a very silly take on the classic horror short "The Monkey's Paw." Admittedly the bar has been set so low throughout the first half of this year's Unseen Terror, but I got a real kick out of this whole thing. The performances (even if some of them sound overdubbed) are all quite fun and I suspect that everyone knew what they were signing on for here. The evil Imp also sounds like Kevin Michael Richardson doing an on-the-spot impression of Barry White, which is absolutely insane, but it works. True, the kills are nothing to really write home about here, but I feel as though the main goal of SBitSBOR (I am NOT typing that whole thing out again) is just to sit back, turn off your brain, and have some goddamn fun. Thankfully, it delivers that in spades. It's out there to stream on Tubi and I'm fairly certain that there is a Blu-Ray out there to purchase rather easily.

Anyways, I'm off to stuff myself full of medicine and hope I'll be able to type more eloquently for future reviews.

Unseen Terror 2023: Rotting Crops (Days 9-10)

 *sigh*

I didn't fully anticipate returning to this fucking franchise so soon, but I'm going to be rather busy over the next couple of days. Thus, these have been bumped up in the watching order for the marathon. Seeing as how these films aren't exactly setting the world on fire, it's easier to just get these out of the way now rather than later.

Regarding the seventh entry in this franchise, Children of the Corn: Revelation's core plot is nearly identical to that of the previous picture. Swap out a missing mother for a missing grandmother, place a majority of the film inside of a dingy apartment building, and reduce the budget to something that looks like it would be easier to make on an iPhone.........an ORIGINAL iPhone. On the plus side, there is a scene wherein our heroine (who is thankfully nowhere near as idiotic as Part 6's was) runs into two of the atypical, mute creepy children at a convenience store and shows them how to play The House of the Dead. Why you'd be encouraging kids who already have murderous looks on their faces and who never speak to learn how to hold and wield weapons properly is beyond me, but it did make me nostalgic for that Arcade classic. Heck, watching a playthrough of that video game on YouTube would likely produce more excitement than the entirety of this flick. Also, we have Michael Ironside popping in for approximately five minutes as a priest and his presence is always appreciated (he's also the best Darkseid across all media depictions of the fictional villain. Do not argue with this).

I suspect that the "revelation" in Children of the Corn: Revelation is that apparently this is the first film in the franchise to feature nudity but seeing as how I'm not a prepubescent kid anymore, this ultimately means nothing in the long run. Oddly enough, the actress who bares most of everything (Crystal Lowe) has a weird connection to yesterday's entry: both her and Carrie (2002) co-star Chelan Simmons played ditzy best friends in 2006's Final Destination 3 and are both burned alive in tanning beds. Far from a perfect flick, but infinitely more watchable and competent than this pile of garbage.

Children of the Corn: Revelation is bad, cheap-looking (we're talking PlayStation 1-levels of bad computer graphics/CGI) , and dull as shit. Heck, it doesn't even have an overly boisterous, adolescent preacher as is seemingly customary for this series until its third act, and even then, he's overdubbed beyond belief. It's junk. Let's move on.

Over ten years had passed since the release of the dismal Children of the Corn: Revelation and Dimension Films were close to losing the rights to the franchise. Therefore, Part 8 of the series (subtitled Genesis) was rushed into production and spat out from the depths of hell to torment any individual who has yet to consider self-immolation as a way to avoid covering these movies. They also released it under their "Dimension Extreme" line in hopes that it would garner further attention. Said line covered multiple genres, including animal-related horror (Rogue, Black Sheep), horror-comedies (Teeth, Feast II & III), absolute nightmare fuel (Inside), sex comedies starring actors who should have known better (Extreme Movie), and infamous misfires (DOA: Dead or Alive, Hellraiser: Revelations). I could be here all night recanting tales of how many of these studios employed this tactic around this time period, but suffice to say most of those flicks are either collectors' items now or buried somewhere in a Big Lots warehouse. This is all to say that the 8th entry in this franchise (save for a remake/new adaptation of the short story released on SyFy two years prior), despite featuring leads that seem to have decent chemistry, a smaller scale, and a mercifully short running time, is ultimately a waste.

Perhaps the greatest of sin of Genesis is how badly rushed it feels. If you were to tell me that this script was laying around Dimension's offices and it was picked out for a slight retooling, it'd be hard not to believe you. The same thing was prevalent with another Dimension-owned property: Hellraiser. A large chunk of that franchise's sequels were never originally written as Hellraiser films, but with a couple of tweaks here and there, they were dumped onto home video just so they wouldn't run the risk of losing the cenobites to someone who genuinely wanted to make a great movie again (I still haven't seen the 2022 update, though I imagine it can't be as catastrophically bad as Hellworld). Because of that, so little time is dedicated to what even makes the prior entries...well, I suppose I'd say "popular" with its fans. For starters, no kid preachers. Hell, this film barely features any children whatsoever. A majority of its running time is spent watching our heroes (a young couple who seek shelter after their car breaks down) argue with one another, with the late Billy Drago and Hostel's Barbara Nedeljakova chewing the scenery like it's fresh tobacco. Perhaps more baffling is the lack of actual cornfields to be found (unless you count the one seen in actress Kelen Coleman's dream). As lowbrow as this series can be, those are two staples of the series that have to be present. It's like having Jason Voorhees battling campers outside of Camp Crystal Lake or Freddy Krueger without the sweater and dream sequences.

God help me I just lectured these filmmakers about how they're doing the Children of the Corn series incorrectly.

Not much else to say. I'm fairly disappointed in myself that this is the final film I've watched as a 37-year old sad sack who spends too much time on the internet (though it is somewhat fitting). Let's hope better things are on the horizon for this marathon and for the next 365 days in general.