Unseen Terror 2023: Lovejoys and Killjoys (Days 14-15)

Don't worry, we're getting close to finishing this godforsaken series and leaving Gatlin, Nebraska forever. In fact, around the halfway point of Children of the Corn: Runaway (the TENTH entry in this franchise that has somehow spawned more sequels than other horror franchises such as Elm Street), I came to the realization that I had already laid my poor eyes upon this flick once before. Maybe it was a drunken rental from the Redbox, but it may have also been due to morbid curiosity. Most likely it was both. Perhaps a lengthy hiatus between viewings and approaching it with little-to-nothing in terms of memories retained would make for a better re-watch. After all, that's been my experience when revisiting flicks like Martyrs and Dead Heat, which I initially didn't care for but now genuinely enjoy.

Despite being more competently made this time around, the plot (centered around a then-pregnant woman who escaped Gatlin) is a jumbled mess with far too many "creepy vision" sequences and a LOT of nothing going. The plot twist in its third act is ridiculous, the color palette makes you wish you were watching other films from around 2018 and before, and all of the franchise's staples are poorly represented (if not ignored). If you're looking to see what other tricks "He Who Walks Behind the Rows" has up its sleeve or want to see some crazy corn-related crap, you're going to be sorely disappointed. I'm genuinely surprised that this has the name of John Gulager attached to it, as I really enjoyed his first directorial debut Feast and even aspects of that movie's sequels. I wonder if perhaps there was someone in Hollywood whose hands he forgot to shake at a dinner party. Around this time, he also took part in the equally dreadful Hellraiser: Judgement, which much like Children of the Corn: Runaway, was also made so that Dimension wouldn't lose the rights to a series that could potentially fall back into talented hands. Digging around a bit I did discover that both of these films shared a filming location with one another, which could explain why both look so hideous and cheap. Truly there is no better way to kill two birds with one stone...at least in the realm of bottom tier sequels. Toss it in the garbage.

I wasn't overly familiar with 1985's Too Scared to Scream, but many moons ago I recalled hearing Chuck Dowling of the BMFCast (and another "31 Horror Movies in 31 Days" maestro) discuss how this was one of the best surprises he came across while he was still doing his own yearly marathon. All it takes is one glance at the cast list and you'll see why I finally decided to give this one a try. For starters, Ian McShane (Deadwood, Lovejoy, John Wick) is in a 1980s horror film! You've also got Anne Archer (Fatal Attraction), John Heard (Big, Home Alone), and Mike Connors (Mannix) on the lineup, with an extra bonus of actor Tony Lo Bianco (The French Connection, The Honeymoon Killers) sitting in the director's chair. An exceptional list of talents that all ultimately end up producing a pretty okay little picture.

The plot of Too Scared to Scream is nothing flashy. Someone has been murdering the tenants of a plush, high-rise apartment building in New York, and it's up to a couple of officers to discover who the perpetrator is. Their primary suspect is the doorman who works evening shifts (a rather handsome Ian McShane), who seems a tad too polite and has a rather eccentric relationship with his mother. Without diving into spoiler territory, it unfolds exactly how you think it will, yet still packs a few surprises in for good measure. While watching, I kept wondering how much of a nightmare it must have been trying to market this to the "blood and guts" crowd which dominated the box office when it came to scary movies. It values substance and procedural work over style yet was still pushed as a "slasher" film (it's got plenty on the "nekkid" side of things though). The poster seems to be a clear homage to the Italian "Giallo" subgenre, but it lacks a lot of the over-the-top nature that is a mainstay of those films. It's also got a lot of "wacky sitcom" moments (the scene with a police informant outside of a nightclub HAS to be seen to be believed) that can occasionally kill the serious tone. Still, it all mostly works. Unfortunately, just when this film was in my good graces, its ending stretch brings the whole thing to a screeching halt and filled me with that same frustration that I felt when I watched Dressed to Kill for the first time (another Giallo-influenced thriller). To call it problematic is being kind.

Too Scared to Scream is ALMOST a great movie. The acting is solid, the style is just the right mix of American slasher, fun 1970s cop TV program, and Italian Giallo mystery, and it's a pretty quick watch. Still, those final ten minutes are VERY rushed and the killer's reveal/motivations kind of takes the wind out of the picture's sails. I'd still give it a recommendation overall, but I was so saddened by what could have been. Currently, it's unavailable for purchase in the states outside of the VHS market and a rather pricey Blu-Ray released by Ronin Flix, but if you don't want to take that approach, there's always the streaming route. Heck, I watched my copy on YouTube (*cough cough*)