Horror fanatics are most likely familiar with Iowa stalwart Linnea Quigley, but for those who aren't, she's a noteworthy figure in beloved classics such as The Return of the Living Dead (in perhaps its most infamous scene), Night of the Demons, and Silent Night, Deadly Night. Those genre classics are only scratching the surface of the immensely talented 'B' movie queen's filmography though. In addition to being who many would consider the absolute top in the "trashy movie performers" tier list, she's also got a great sense of humor, body confidence, and knows her audience. For no reason whatsoever, I decided to dedicate these last three days solely to pictures starring Ms. Quigley. The results were (expectedly) mixed, but still worth discussing.
There are three things about 1987's Creepozoids that I think are genuinely entertaining: the poster is ridiculously great (though very misleading), the score is surprisingly well done, and Linnea Quigley is a hoot. When one discards those however, you're left with what is ostensibly a very poor knockoff of Alien set in a post-apocalyptic wasteland that looks suspiciously like the back allies and runoffs in California. Also, the word "Creepozoid" is never uttered a single time and the movie just kind of...stops. We get a lengthy fight with a mutant baby that sort of "ends between rounds" if you get my drift. A real slog, though not without some charm to be found. It's out there on Tubi for those who are interested. You can also watch co-star Kim McKamy in other.....erm, ventures if you like what you see here.
In what has to be a first for this marathon's history, we're now diving right into a workout video. Three years after Creepozoids' release, Quigley had become a bit of a darling in the realm of "cult" cinema. During the filming of 1989's Murder Weapon, the actress and another cast member jokingly talked about how physically strenuous it can be to do films of this nature. Thus, the idea of creating a "horror workout" film was born and completed within two days. In it, Linnea shows you how she manages to stay in such great shape all while avoiding zombies and murderers. In the actress' own words, "just because you're dead, do you think you can just let yourselves go?"
To be perfectly honest, I'm unsure of how to properly review Horror Workout. Much to my surprise, this turned out to be more of a compilation of Quigley's scenes from other starring/co-starring vehicles (most clips are from, ironically enough, Creepozoids) and a few moments where the actress breaks the fourth wall even further by jokingly chastising the audience for what she knows they're really doing during her films. Personally, I will plead the fifth. If you want to add this to your queue though, it's available via physical media or streaming (Tubi has the CENSORED version, which seems blasphemous). I'd recommend that if you still wish to spend about an hour's worth of your time (and DON'T want to shell out $23 for a Blu-Ray), it's available to watch on archive.org. I honestly forget that thing exists sometimes.
For the thirteenth day, I was searching far and wide to see if perhaps Linnea had appeared in a Friday the 13th film at some point in her career, but alas it did not appear so. Thankfully, she DID appear in another picture towards the end of the 1980s and while it lacks a killer sporting a jumpsuit and hockey mask, this flick entertains in its own weird way. Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama (try saying THAT five times fast) is directed by the same individual who gave us the aforementioned Creepozoids (Full Moon Entertainment mainstay David DeCoteau, also of A Talking Cat!?! fame) and also features Quigley's old co-star Hal Havins from Night of the Demons alongside other scream queens such as Brinke Stevens and Michelle Bauer. Amusingly enough, all three of these wonderfully talented women have worked with director DeCoteau multiple times throughout the years: aside from having Quigley in Creepozoids, he directed the trio in Nightmare Sisters (also released in 1988) and had Bauer as a supporting character in Puppet Master III: Toulon's Revenge (aka the one where the puppets undergo a face turn and kill nazis. It rocks).
The story is focused on a group of five college students (two of whom are sorority pledges, three of which are peeping toms caught by said pledges) who are ordered to break into a bowling alley during afterhours in order to nab a trophy. While there, they run into a burglar (Quigley) who helps them retrieve the trophy, but during a slight mishap it falls to the floor and breaks. In a very strange twist, an evil imp (calling himself "Uncle Impie") pops out and the story essentially turns into a very silly take on the classic horror short "The Monkey's Paw." Admittedly the bar has been set so low throughout the first half of this year's Unseen Terror, but I got a real kick out of this whole thing. The performances (even if some of them sound overdubbed) are all quite fun and I suspect that everyone knew what they were signing on for here. The evil Imp also sounds like Kevin Michael Richardson doing an on-the-spot impression of Barry White, which is absolutely insane, but it works. True, the kills are nothing to really write home about here, but I feel as though the main goal of SBitSBOR (I am NOT typing that whole thing out again) is just to sit back, turn off your brain, and have some goddamn fun. Thankfully, it delivers that in spades. It's out there to stream on Tubi and I'm fairly certain that there is a Blu-Ray out there to purchase rather easily.
Anyways, I'm off to stuff myself full of medicine and hope I'll be able to type more eloquently for future reviews.
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