Look, I won't sugarcoat it: 2010's Vampegeddon only made it onto this year's list because some have dubbed it the worst vampire movie ever made (though my Jortscenter co-host Victor has claimed that honor belongs to Paul Knop's V is for Vampire). Seeing as how even the smelliest of garbage I've reviewed this year doesn't even have the distinct (dis)honor of falling under the category of "so bad it's good," I was hoping that this would satiate my thirst for trash. But oh boy, even I had no idea what I was in for here.
The plot of Vampegeddon is.... uh, unique. One hundred years ago, the vampire lord Giovanni (yes, that is his name) flees to the American southwest, with the intention of setting up a brood. A British vampire hunter named Longshank follows him, and in the ensuing battle both are killed. Fast forward to present day and a group of mallgoths who want to desperately become vampires unintentionally resurrect Giovanni after one of them purchases an old book from a garage sale. I'll cut to the chase here and just copy & paste my notes word-for-word (in italic) with a few extra tidbits from when I was watching Vampegeddon:
- "Was this ENTIRE movie done in ADR?" Nope, only about 98% of it. I counted two lines with what sounded like proper, albeit low mixing. I can only assume that the original audio was lost, and they chose to go with this route. It only heightens the ludicrously bad acting though, which is somehow worse than you'd think it is. The only thing that seemed properly mixed was its soundtrack, which audibly sounded like one of those random band samplers you can get outside of a metal show.
- "Is this porn? Did any of the people who worked on this previously work in the porn industry?" Well, as far as I can tell they did not. The comically bad performances, coupled with the cheap effects and filmmaking style (plus the amount of "hey boobs!" cuts) could sure fool me though. It's like if Jim Wynorski studied Tommy Wiseau and sat down to direct a straight-to-video film helmed by a local theater troupe. In that aspect, I feel somewhat bad for picking on this, but I can't ignore it.
- "All of these teenagers are played by people old enough to be their own parents." Yeah, I got nothing else to add to that. It is the unironic version of that Steve Buscemi scene from 30 Rock.
- "Why am I watching this alone? What am I doing with my life?"
I have yet to see Casablanca or Gone with the Wind in their entirety. I only finished the first season of Breaking Bad. I have only read the works of William Shakespeare out of necessity during my high school years. And yet, I have sat through all of Vampegeddon. More so, I did it without finding a way to stuff myself into the trash chute in my apartment complex. If you are as infatuated with discovering the "cream of the crap" as I am, this MUST make it onto one of your "bad movie night" gatherings. Indeed, it is a truly AWFUL picture, but I'd watch it again any day over most other bad flicks I've seen in recent memory. Sadly, it appears as though obtaining a physical copy of this is rather difficult these days. Luckily, you can find it available to rent on services like Prime Video, or even the way that our lord and savior Lemmy intended it to be watched: free and unedited on YouTube!
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