Unseen Terror 2017: Day 24

Well, I certainly didn't plan on doing a twofer today, but here we are. Given how bewitching both of these films are in their badness, I'm going to need as much liquid courage as possible if I have to write reviews for both of them.

I had only ever seen the cover art for 1984's Monster Dog while passing through my local video stores back in the day. It looked ridiculous, and while my younger self was admittedly a lot pickier when it came to cinema, these days I'm pretty much down for whatever is suggested to me. Besides, when has crappy packaging ever truly stopped me from taking the plunge and checking something out? Plus, it has everything that I like in my horror movies: it's an Italian production, features a rock star as its lead (in this case, it's Alice Cooper), and a killer creature or two.


But man, does this movie blow chunks. In fact, it practically projectile vomits them. Monster Dog's  concept is based around a musical performer driving back to his childhood home with his crew in tow, only to find that when they try to shoot a music video, they get into a heap of trouble that involves, but isn't limited to a pack of wild dogs that are on the hunt for human flesh and something that sure as shit sounds like lycanthropy. A fun idea in theory, sure, but so much of this production just feels like a misfire. Cooper isn't a terrible choice for a lead actor, but he appears to be so disinterested that the movie as a whole is brought down even more. It doesn't help that if you dig around for more information on the project, you discover that he was pretty down on his luck, and only agreed to do the motion picture if it was shown in the International market, but never in the U.S (spoilers: they didn't keep their promise). His costar Victoria Vera fares slightly better, but it's a shame that her character is so incredibly bland.


One of the most puzzling aspects of Monster Dog (other than the decision to cast a shorthaired Alice) comes in the form of its dialogue. Actually, if I can be more specific, the dubbing of said dialogue. I understand that most Italian horror flicks have a tendency to mix their audio rather oddly when they overdub their actors' performances, but it's so incredibly weird here because they make it sound as if every single member of the cast had this done to them. Much to my surprise, it turns out that Mr. Cooper himself was the only one whose lines were tampered with. It fools you initially, but you realize the nature of this deception once the gang reaches the house. Whoever voiced his character sounded ten years older than the shock rocker, and appeared to have grown up on a steady diet of 1950s sitcoms. Admittedly, the only laughs I got came from whoever dubbed the barks and growls for the canine enemies, as the pets themselves were borrowed from guide dog schools for the blind. Perhaps the actual behavior could have appeared to be more authentic had they told these companions about the fate of the protagonists in The Adventures of Milo and Otis?


Look, I try to find even the faintest of lights in the dark with nearly every picture that I come across, but god damn was it hard with Monster Dog. It almost redeems itself with the revelation of the titular beast during its third act (and a nice shotgun scalping beforehand), but it resembles an RC Cola version of something out of The Howling. And yes, it is watchable, with it occasionally diving into the "so bad it's good" category once in a blue moon. Still, that's a rather backhanded compliment, as it's just overwhelmingly stupid, suffers from grueling pacing, and doesn't know how to have nearly enough fun. If you feel like suffering for ninety minutes, you can pick up the Blu-ray from Kino Lorber, as it apparently contains a featurette on the making of this monstrosity. I will not be doing such a thing, as I have endured enough pain from this director for the time being



But heck, what would you expect from the individual who gave us Troll 2?



Alright, time to leave earth for a bit, and go to outer space!


.....but then go right back to earth.


*sigh*

Like Monster Dog, my only prior knowledge of Xtro came from seeing it on store shelves or from seeing advertisements inside the VHS or DVD cases for other releases. It certainly sounded interesting; a hybrid of Alien, Species, and Close Encounters of the Third Kind with a bit of family drama thrown into the mix. After the film concluded, the first thing that I noticed was that I did not expect Xtro to be as manic and unbalanced as it is. The second thing was how nobody who worked on this little ditty could have been sober during its creation and conception.


For starters, Xtro revolves around a father who was abducted by aliens long ago suddenly returning to his family's lives, but with very peculiar traits that begin to take effect on everyone around him. And that my friends, is the briefest, and most spoiler-free version of the vividly strange introduction that kicks this motion picture into gear. Because if there is one thing that Xtro delivers on, it's inherit weirdness and unexpected violence. There are sequences in here that could make more squeamish viewers (and particularly females) quite uncomfortable as they involve rape, pained/exaggerated childbirth, and many more. Adding in the rather good makeup/special effects is enough to make up for the quite amateurish acting (minus Bernice Stegers as the wife in the family), but not all of the time. Perhaps the only real weak spot in the technical/non-acting department comes in the form of the music, which sounded like more of a proper fit for something such as Home Alone rather than a science fiction/horror film that just throws everything at the wall regardless of whether it sticks or not.


I do hate to sound like a broken record, but did I mention that Xtro goes all out? Not since I viewed Society and Hausu have I seen something that experiments with the more unknown side of life and creatively explores a plethora of concepts that should not work on paper. The former abductee Sam Phillips (portrayed by the late Philip Sayer) provides most of these moments, which includes eating snake eggs and seemingly sucking on his child's shoulder for reasons that I won't get into. It'll certainly raise a few eyebrows, and I suspect that if one were to watch any of these scenes while on psychedelics, their brain could crack in two. One of the drawbacks of these is that it does begin to feel as though the writers and co/producers (which included New Line Cinema's notorious Bob Shaye) were trying to see how much they could get away with until they were told to stop. Regrettably, this leads to an ending that feels like an excuse to shock for shock value's sake.


Xtro is a beautiful, messy piece. The gross factor is high, its bizarre nature sometimes works against it, and it can be rather cruel to women. But unlike something along the lines of Monster Dog, I never found that I was bored throughout its running time, and because it is relatively cohesive, even counted myself as morbidly curious during its second half. In fact, because of how extraordinarily fucked in the head it is, I'll give it a recommendation for those who are seeking something truly unnatural and eccentric, but it isn't without a fair warning. Disappointingly, the DVD for Xtro is out of print (I had to watch my version on YouTube), and from what I've seen, it doesn't appear that there are any plans in the near future for it or its two sequels to receive another home video release. How someone like Arrow Films, Scream! Factory, or Synapse has not picked up this yet is beyond me.



But maybe they're afraid of potentially interviewing costar Simon Nash. He brings inanimate clowns to life after all, and that is truly terrifying.




Tomorrow, we hit the way back machine and visit an old Italian favorite for one of his more seminal pictures!

Unseen Terror 2016: Day 10

All across Manhattan, people have been disappearing or turning up dead under mysterious circumstances. While police initially suspect this to be the work of a serial killer, the main culprit has actually been a soaring serpent, a seemingly resurrected version of the legendary Aztec deity named Quetzalcoatl. It's attacks are brief, yet horrific; they rain blood and limbs from a lacerated sky, scattering all over the city and shocking pedestrians down below. Perplexed as to how and why these gruesome assaults are taking place, the force suddenly finds that luck may be on their side after all. A wannabe conman named Jimmy Quinn knows of Quetzalcoatl's location, but isn't so willing to give up the information. Well, at least not for free.



Well hello Larry Cohen! I didn't realize that three whole years have gone by since you last made an appearance during Unseen Terror. Oddly enough though, his 1982 foray into the crossover realm of fantasy-based horror, the strangely-titled Q - The Winged Serpent (alternately known as simply Q), somehow feels the least like a production from the man himself. There doesn't seem to be any sort of underlying message about abortion or parental instincts like in It's Alive, or the anti-consumerism that permeated throughout the absurdly silly experience known as The Stuff. Instead, this tale about a flying, man-eating creature with ties to the Aztec civilization just feels like a big, gory love letter to bizarre science fiction and fantasy works from titans such as Ray Harryhausen (Jason and the Argonauts, The 7th Voyage of Sinbad) and that individual's own mentor Willis O'Brien (King Kong).


The titular monster is brought to life by the use of stop-motion effects, which was actually considered to be an ancient and outdated method by the time that this film was released to cinemas (this criticism was also echoed for 1981's Clash of the Titans). Thankfully, Q's own screen time is primarily kept to brief glimpses and cameos (save for the final ten minutes), and that may end being a good thing, seeing as how suffocating the audience with too much of it could have actually detracted from the surprisingly enjoyable human cast that acts alongside of it (more on that below). Q's design resembles that of a larger version of a Dimorphodon, with Randall William Cook (Lord of the Rings) and David W. Allen (The Howling, Honey, I Shrunk the Kids) providing some neat, if not sparse effects that ultimately do the forefathers of the genre proud. Old-fashioned as it may look to newer viewers, there is just such a unique charm to the thing that you can't help but grin at every time that she (yes, it is female) swoops down to feed on hapless sunbathers. Heck, when the freakish demigod isn't busy feasting on poor suckers or posing for that really awesome-looking poster that you see above (submitted by Heavy Metal Magazine notable Boris Vallejo), she even gets the opportunity to fight Shaft (Richard Roundtree) for a minute or so!


Oh, I did mention the collection of human actors above, didn't I? Well, yes, there are some delightfully entertaining performances to be found throughout Q. Its two main attractions (other than the airborne man-eater itself) are Michael Moriarty (Law & Order) and the late David Carradine (Kung Fu, Kill Bill). Both are pretty exceptional when you consider the subject matter here. The former tends to steal the show during every opportune chance that he is afforded. He's a real riot, playing the greediest, sneakiest of lowlifes who isn't evil per se, but in reality, is just a gigantic asshole. You are most certain that you would never wish to be friends with the guy, but his charisma and delivery of some occasionally cringe-worthy dialogue is just undeniably fun. I legitimately had to stop and rub my eyes when I saw the name Malachy McCourt pop up during the opening credits, since I was apparently unware that the brother of Angela's Ashes author Frank McCourt had delved into the world of acting after his family endured and survived one of the most hellacious childhoods that I have ever read about. Seeing him smoke a pipe, sport an ill-fitting, in & out English accent, and playing a hardened police commissioner is so peculiar.


Before I watched Q, I was trying to wash the taste of the mediocre The Girl on the Train out of my mouth. Thus, even with the amount of fun that I was provided with Cohen's killer dragon movie, I feel as though this might require another viewing in the next few months. There are more than a handful of enjoyable moments and surprises to keep you glued to the screen (and come on, that tagline is way too gnarly to ignore), even if the unfortunate side story involving a string of murders related to human sacrifice does distract a bit from what you have paid to see. Personally, I would not be completely opposed to seeing Q receive the revival or remake treatment one day (technically, this is a reimagining of a 1946 motion picture bearing a similar title), but if you want to keep the same magic alive, you should retain the same stop-motion animation that made this so beloved by fans of cult classic cinema. Q - The Winged Serpent is readily available to rent on Amazon Prime and ITunes, streaming for free on YouTube, and can be purchased on Blu-Ray for less than ten dollars on the aforementioned Amazon as well.



Besides, if this were to receive an update, there isn't any way in hell that it could be worse than the redoing of Cohen's own It's Alive, right? At least the possibility of Bijou Phillips appearing again is slim to none.




Tomorrow (well, technically today), I am turning 31. Hooray. To celebrate, I shall be discussing something special that crosses horror with one of my other favorite hobbies and interests that has surprisingly stood the test of time!

Unseen Terror 2014: Day 17

Struggling and often-frustrated artist Reno Miller feels his sanity slowly slipping away. He can't pay his bills on time and he can't finish his works before they are due. Even worse is the fact that he is constantly given the cold shoulder by his two female roommates, one of whom is his girlfriend, and another whom his partner is having an affair with. When an up-and-coming band moves into the apartment next door, Reno complains to his landlord, but the man ignores his requests for getting the band to turn down the volume. Feeling fed up, Reno decides to take out his frustration during the evenings, and grabs a power drill and portable battery pack.


Forgive me for not realizing beforehand that The Driller Killer, a fairly infamous proto-slasher picture released in a time where the "video nasty" term was becoming far too frequently heard (just like on here), was directed by Mr. Abel Ferrera, an early purveyor of all things sleazy in cinema. Before he went on to direct pictures such as King of New York and Bad Lieutenant (which is arguably one of the more notorious pictures starring a mainstream actor to come out in the early 90s), he supervised and, using the alias of Jimmy Laine, also starred in this low budget schlockfest. But hey, everybody has to start somewhere, and in the case of his debut, I suppose that there was nowhere to go but up after it wrapped and premiered.


As to why the head of the flick chose to act under a pseudonym for his directorial debut, I am not quite sure, though I'm certain that I could research this and come back later with a definitive answer in less than two minutes. Though I'm well aware that technology back in 1979 was nowhere near as sophisticated as it is now, I can't help but wonder if one certain motion picture was still fresh in the mind of Ferrera and writer Nicholas St. John. Let me think here for just a moment, and see if the clues I've written down in my notes remind me of anything. Outside of our unstable protagonist, and perhaps one other individual, there isn't a single soul to root for. A lot of the scenery and commentary could be seen as too topical, often drawing the ire of our main character, though that is not necessarily problematic. The woman in his apartment who isn't his companion looks frighteningly similar to Mel Smith's albino torturer in The Princess Bride. Okay, that last one withstanding, a lot of The Driller Killer makes the picture out to be a more sadistic, and almost "early punk" version of Martin Scorsese's Taxi Driver. There's nothing wrong with this, seeing as how the latter is cited as one of the most influential movies of the 1970s, but what blows my mind is the people who attempt to say that there's something deeper to be found in Ferrera's work. Well, you have the right to call me ignorant and just plain uneducated, because I saw nothing of the sort. Just a sleazy, slightly bloody, and occasionally boring look into the mind of a man sliding down a slippery slope.


I'm aware that this has a nice, devoted following in the horror community, and I agree that having to wait twenty three years for a proper uncut version of the film to come in the U.K. is just absurd, but I'm honestly not feeling too strong about this one folks. Most of the performances, be they in the acting category or even from that really aggravating band that serves as one of the many reasons that Reno has a nervous breakdown (if they wanted you to feel just as insane as he was, mission accomplished), are on the levels of professionals in the pornography industry. From what I have heard, there were plans to remake this back in 2007 with British filmmaker Andrew Jones attached to direct and Ferrera presumably sitting at his home eating a hoagie. Alas, it never materialized beyond the initial planning stages and finished script, so it's sitting somewhere collecting dust. As much as I didn't really care for the original The Driller Killer, I think it's a crying shame that such a project never came to be, as this is just begging to be remade, though I have to admit that going overboard on the budget might remove a lot of what makes it so beloved by its fans.



But they just need to sit down and watch Taxi Driver again anyway. Seriously.

Ten year old Timmy is caught by his mother assembling a jigsaw puzzle of a bare naked woman. Outraged, she slaps the young man and demands that he burn all of his offensive material, but instead, he returns with an axe, using it along with a hacksaw to murder and dismember his parent. When the police arrive, a blood-soaked Timmy hides in the closet, convincing them that he is an innocent, and ensuring that he gets off the hook. Forty years later, female co-eds have begun turning up on school grounds horribly disfigured and missing particular limbs. Local authorities begin to research the possibility of a serial killer being on the loose, and the connection to this past atrocity is stronger than it seems.


You have to admire any horror movie whose tagline reads "It's Exactly What You Think It Is!" and  opens up with the Grindhouse Releasing logo. There is no disguising the fact that Spanish-American slasher Pieces is, well, a slasher picture. It's also unabashedly telling you that it isn't original in the slightest, but it at least knows that you've paid good money to see attractive, occasionally barely-clothed college students die in horrible, bloody, and often trashy ways.


Make no mistake about it, Pieces is forthrightly tawdry, but unlike The Driller Killer, there isn't any sort of fake message that one can attempt to conjure up from beneath the surface. It is about watching dumb caucasian people get slaughtered by a mysterious killer who may or may not be a member of the faculty. This "whodunnit" storyline is nothing new, and if you can figure out the culprit before too long, don't be surprised. Maybe you could explain to me why director Juan Piquer Simon, whose only other work that I recognize is 1988's Slugs (almost made the cut this year!), decided to dub over the entire cast when they are all clearly and proficiently speaking English. The overacting from these voiceovers is so ripe with hilarity that it makes Chris Klein's role in Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li look subtle and nuanced in comparison. Still, it helps make the experience that much more enjoyable, especially when Paul L. Smith (Bluto from Popeye) shows up as the bearded and suspicious-looking Redd Herrington.


Despite its simplicity and familiarity in the plot and character department, there are some parts to Pieces (ugh, bad pun) that give it a unique feel, though it may be giving away spoilers if I discussed them in detail. It's easy to see the influence that this had on more modern-day pictures such as Lucky McGee's underrated psychological horror project May and another entry from last year's marathon that also had to do with female-centric mutilation. Outside of motion pictures, it also wouldn't surprise me if comic book author Garth Ennis had been able to catch a glimpse of this during his childhood and written some of the villain's motivation into Odin Quincannon, one of Preacher's several antagonists. And there's a good chance that he would have seen it too, considering that Pieces was one of the few films to escape the BBFC's wrath back in the day, saving it from that ugly label that I've already grown sick of talking about. This shocks me quite a bit considering how much more gratuitous and flat-out gruesome the violence is, especially when you consider that this released a little over thirty years ago. Labeling the picture misogynistic isn't something that I could argue for or against, since save for the final ten minutes, EVERY single human being who is grossly butchered is an attractive, young female. Whatever conclusion that you come to, or end up like me wherein you understand both sides of the spectrum, remember that it's just a movie, and you shouldn't let it bother you a great deal considering that there are at least a good several dozen other pictures out there that will do that trick just fine.


I get the feeling that Pieces is one of those little flicks that you could put on at a Halloween party, playing it on repeat in the background for likeminded people who show up and crave something nasty or gory to keep them occupied when they aren't mingling with others and giving compliments to guests who bought their costumes pre-packaged. Okay, that sounded pretentious and I almost went off on a tangent. How about this? It's a fun little hack and slash movie for those who are avid about the genre and are constantly craving more titles to add to their collection. Speaking of that, I was terribly sad to find out that most of the cast and crew involved with Pieces, which includes director Juan Piquer Simon, have passed away over the last two or three decades. Keeping my fingers crossed for a future release from the likes of Shout! Factory seems like a waste of time now.



Thanks for the memories though folks. You leave behind great sequences involving a waterbed stabbing and strangulation by fishing net. And the best chainsaw kills that I've seen in ages.



Tomorrow, it's back to modern times with Only Lovers Left Alive and *deep breath* Vampire Academy.



Yeah, the latter is going to be rough. I can feel it...

Unseen Terror 2013: Day 17

Left alone to herself for the evening, a popular high school girl decides to throw a slumber party sleepover for herself and her friends at the house. She even invites the new girl from school, who after hearing some catty talk about herself, declines the invitation. That night, after the girls arrive, an escaped murderer with an affinity for power drills makes his way to the neighborhood with bloodshed in mind, and the only hope for survival may come in the form of the new girl from high school.

You know, I was shocked with how far I've come with this year's marathon, but somehow I've yet to look at a single slasher film from any decade. That changed with a viewing of one of the lost relics from the 1980s, The Slumber Party Massacre. With the recent string of "Killer Women" and "female power" horror films I've been viewing over the past few days, you might be wondering how in the world something with a title such as this could be categorized under either of those. And I'll confess that outside of a script written by noted feminist author and writer Rita Mae Brown, it really can't. I think I'm just running out of gas.

Plot-wise, the film isn't exactly trying to break new grounds, but Brown's original intentions were for it to be a parody of the then-burgening slasher genre. Not surprisingly, the film's producers insisted the film be played as a straight horror film instead. Given this choice, it does make it somewhat uneven in the end, but you can still get a feel for the screenplay's original intentions, even amongst the oodles of sleaze. And I feel that I should mention the sleaze before I forget, because this film doesn't waste your time giving what you want and remarkably fast. I clocked the first shot of nudity at approximately two minutes in and the first kill at about four or five minutes in, if not less. Whether this was Brown's choice or the choice of director Amy Holden Jones (who went on to write Beethoven of all films), I have no idea.

The comedic parts were also necessary to keep it grounded and from being too routine (great gag involving a refrigerator), and the women themselves, as hard to distinguish as they can be at times, do have some charisma in the lead up to the inevitable title massacre. Even by slasher movie standards, some of their age discrepancies are noticeable though. Speaking of our slasher, his choice of weapon for a large portion of the film's running time (a criminally short seventy-seven minutes) is a power drill, which I will have to admit is fairly cool. I've always admired the "simple, but effective" ideology when it comes to the mindsets of killers in cinema, though I'd certainly say that this killer's mindset isn't exactly the most complicated, as it seems he just simply likes to murder pretty, young people. Slumber's gore isn't off the charts either, but given its original intentions, this wasn't about trying to set records in that book. If you want crazy gore in your slasher films, you can still view films like The Burning and the Friday the 13th films after all.

In the end, The Slumber Party Massacre is a fun time if you're into these type of pictures, but those not crazy about slasher cinema might want to stay clear. The script is certainly better than it lets on to be, as are the performances from the main cast, but it definitely feels like this was marketed more towards the fans than anything else, or at least towards those more fanatical about the genre than anything else. I had a pretty good time overall, but that doesn't mean you will. I've heard very mixed things about the sequels that have been released throughout the years, but I actually wouldn't be opposed to seeing a concept like this remade down the line, with perhaps a similar writer in mind, but with the original intention of it being a parody being fully realized.

Tomorrow, we're actually back to the present (and revisiting the past) with CARRIE!