Unseen Terror 2017: Day 24

Well, I certainly didn't plan on doing a twofer today, but here we are. Given how bewitching both of these films are in their badness, I'm going to need as much liquid courage as possible if I have to write reviews for both of them.

I had only ever seen the cover art for 1984's Monster Dog while passing through my local video stores back in the day. It looked ridiculous, and while my younger self was admittedly a lot pickier when it came to cinema, these days I'm pretty much down for whatever is suggested to me. Besides, when has crappy packaging ever truly stopped me from taking the plunge and checking something out? Plus, it has everything that I like in my horror movies: it's an Italian production, features a rock star as its lead (in this case, it's Alice Cooper), and a killer creature or two.


But man, does this movie blow chunks. In fact, it practically projectile vomits them. Monster Dog's  concept is based around a musical performer driving back to his childhood home with his crew in tow, only to find that when they try to shoot a music video, they get into a heap of trouble that involves, but isn't limited to a pack of wild dogs that are on the hunt for human flesh and something that sure as shit sounds like lycanthropy. A fun idea in theory, sure, but so much of this production just feels like a misfire. Cooper isn't a terrible choice for a lead actor, but he appears to be so disinterested that the movie as a whole is brought down even more. It doesn't help that if you dig around for more information on the project, you discover that he was pretty down on his luck, and only agreed to do the motion picture if it was shown in the International market, but never in the U.S (spoilers: they didn't keep their promise). His costar Victoria Vera fares slightly better, but it's a shame that her character is so incredibly bland.


One of the most puzzling aspects of Monster Dog (other than the decision to cast a shorthaired Alice) comes in the form of its dialogue. Actually, if I can be more specific, the dubbing of said dialogue. I understand that most Italian horror flicks have a tendency to mix their audio rather oddly when they overdub their actors' performances, but it's so incredibly weird here because they make it sound as if every single member of the cast had this done to them. Much to my surprise, it turns out that Mr. Cooper himself was the only one whose lines were tampered with. It fools you initially, but you realize the nature of this deception once the gang reaches the house. Whoever voiced his character sounded ten years older than the shock rocker, and appeared to have grown up on a steady diet of 1950s sitcoms. Admittedly, the only laughs I got came from whoever dubbed the barks and growls for the canine enemies, as the pets themselves were borrowed from guide dog schools for the blind. Perhaps the actual behavior could have appeared to be more authentic had they told these companions about the fate of the protagonists in The Adventures of Milo and Otis?


Look, I try to find even the faintest of lights in the dark with nearly every picture that I come across, but god damn was it hard with Monster Dog. It almost redeems itself with the revelation of the titular beast during its third act (and a nice shotgun scalping beforehand), but it resembles an RC Cola version of something out of The Howling. And yes, it is watchable, with it occasionally diving into the "so bad it's good" category once in a blue moon. Still, that's a rather backhanded compliment, as it's just overwhelmingly stupid, suffers from grueling pacing, and doesn't know how to have nearly enough fun. If you feel like suffering for ninety minutes, you can pick up the Blu-ray from Kino Lorber, as it apparently contains a featurette on the making of this monstrosity. I will not be doing such a thing, as I have endured enough pain from this director for the time being



But heck, what would you expect from the individual who gave us Troll 2?



Alright, time to leave earth for a bit, and go to outer space!


.....but then go right back to earth.


*sigh*

Like Monster Dog, my only prior knowledge of Xtro came from seeing it on store shelves or from seeing advertisements inside the VHS or DVD cases for other releases. It certainly sounded interesting; a hybrid of Alien, Species, and Close Encounters of the Third Kind with a bit of family drama thrown into the mix. After the film concluded, the first thing that I noticed was that I did not expect Xtro to be as manic and unbalanced as it is. The second thing was how nobody who worked on this little ditty could have been sober during its creation and conception.


For starters, Xtro revolves around a father who was abducted by aliens long ago suddenly returning to his family's lives, but with very peculiar traits that begin to take effect on everyone around him. And that my friends, is the briefest, and most spoiler-free version of the vividly strange introduction that kicks this motion picture into gear. Because if there is one thing that Xtro delivers on, it's inherit weirdness and unexpected violence. There are sequences in here that could make more squeamish viewers (and particularly females) quite uncomfortable as they involve rape, pained/exaggerated childbirth, and many more. Adding in the rather good makeup/special effects is enough to make up for the quite amateurish acting (minus Bernice Stegers as the wife in the family), but not all of the time. Perhaps the only real weak spot in the technical/non-acting department comes in the form of the music, which sounded like more of a proper fit for something such as Home Alone rather than a science fiction/horror film that just throws everything at the wall regardless of whether it sticks or not.


I do hate to sound like a broken record, but did I mention that Xtro goes all out? Not since I viewed Society and Hausu have I seen something that experiments with the more unknown side of life and creatively explores a plethora of concepts that should not work on paper. The former abductee Sam Phillips (portrayed by the late Philip Sayer) provides most of these moments, which includes eating snake eggs and seemingly sucking on his child's shoulder for reasons that I won't get into. It'll certainly raise a few eyebrows, and I suspect that if one were to watch any of these scenes while on psychedelics, their brain could crack in two. One of the drawbacks of these is that it does begin to feel as though the writers and co/producers (which included New Line Cinema's notorious Bob Shaye) were trying to see how much they could get away with until they were told to stop. Regrettably, this leads to an ending that feels like an excuse to shock for shock value's sake.


Xtro is a beautiful, messy piece. The gross factor is high, its bizarre nature sometimes works against it, and it can be rather cruel to women. But unlike something along the lines of Monster Dog, I never found that I was bored throughout its running time, and because it is relatively cohesive, even counted myself as morbidly curious during its second half. In fact, because of how extraordinarily fucked in the head it is, I'll give it a recommendation for those who are seeking something truly unnatural and eccentric, but it isn't without a fair warning. Disappointingly, the DVD for Xtro is out of print (I had to watch my version on YouTube), and from what I've seen, it doesn't appear that there are any plans in the near future for it or its two sequels to receive another home video release. How someone like Arrow Films, Scream! Factory, or Synapse has not picked up this yet is beyond me.



But maybe they're afraid of potentially interviewing costar Simon Nash. He brings inanimate clowns to life after all, and that is truly terrifying.




Tomorrow, we hit the way back machine and visit an old Italian favorite for one of his more seminal pictures!

Unseen Terror 2016: Day 1

Well, isn't this a sight for sore eyes! Much like a particular professional wrestling company that refuses to die (without giving away too many hints, they begin with "T" and end with "A"), Unseen Terror has returned from the grave for its seventh year on this funny little thing that I seem to call a blog. If you are unfamiliar with this whole ordeal or concept, I will provide you with a very brief explanation. Back in 2010, in between time spent looking for employment and just trying to keep my sanity intact, I decided to "up" my horror and science fiction movie game. Thus, I figured that a good way to kill several hours would be to view at least one new motion picture a day, and write about it immediately after it had concluded. Of course, this can only include movies that I have never seen before (though that rule has been broken on a couple of occasions with pictures like Rodan and Martyrs), as typing about well-known classics such as The Thing and Evil Dead 2 just seems unnecessary at this point. And besides, why not partake in occasionally unearthing a hidden gem or two? I believe that acting defiant or hesitant towards finding new favorite films seems wholly illogical and just plain silly.


Anyways, let us dive in, shall we? If this year was a massive milestone for me in my personal life, then I find it only fitting to begin with one of the most awe-inspiring figures in the realm of monster-centric cinema.

Reporter Goro Maki is sailing near Daikoku Island, which has recently seen its fair share of volcanic activity. He suddenly comes across a fishing vessel, the Yahata-Maru, and after stopping to explore the boat, sees that nearly every person on board has died. Suddenly, he is attacked by an unusually large sea louse, but is saved by crew member Hiroshi Okumura, who despite suffering wounds from fighting with this mutation, survived his encounter. While Okumura is hospitalized in Tokyo, Maki questions the man about what exactly happened on board. He claims that during a rough storm one evening, he saw a monster emerge from the Island, and that the enlarged copepod which killed his friends must have come off of what startled him so badly. After looking through a series of photographs and hearing stories of a Russian submarine being destroyed by seemingly unknown forces, the fisherman and journalist conclude that something has occurred that the rest of the world prayed would never happen: Godzilla, an immense, walking, breathing reminder of the atomic nightmare, has returned. In a world that features two nations on the verge of waging war with one another, what actions can be taken to halt this unstoppable presence? And for that matter, at what cost?



Despite what you may be thinking right now, I have not seen every single entry in the oh-so-beloved and adored Godzilla film series. Well, not in their intended or original formats anyway. If I can be allowed to cheat right off the bat, my viewing of 1984's The Return of Godzilla was, by definition, not the first time that I partook in such a thing. In fact, if you would be so kind and appreciative, let me rewind the clock for you.


During my childhood, there was a local VHS store in Wheaton, MD whose name I unfortunately can not recall. Though they were eventually bought out and turned into a Blockbuster Video, both establishments (along with THIS previously discussed tape) served as a stomping ground for me being able to catch my first glimpses into the wonderful world of Kaiju Eiga (roughly translated to "giant monster movie"). Over a good number of years, I managed to convince my parents to rent nearly anything and everything starring gigantic creatures battling either a battalion of resistance and/or another beast of equal-sized proportions. One of these efforts was the fairly self-explanatory Godzilla 1985, which happened to be the American edit of the film whose poster and synopsis you glanced at a moment ago. Despite the video cassette copy of the flick opening with an amusing animated short titled Bambi Meets Godzilla (which can be viewed here), I remembered virtually nothing about the actual motion picture itself. Sadly, it appears as though Godzilla 1985 may forever be stuck in the realm of VHS traders and buyers, as legal reasons such as the sampling of scores from Christopher Young (Hellraiser, Drag Me to Hell) and the original stateside distributor (New World Pictures) going the way of the dodo, have prevented it from ever seeing release on a disc of any kind in the West.


Yet in 2016, Kraken Releasing, who have helmed the Blu-Ray releases of several other Toho projects during previous years, somehow managed to scoop up the rights to the original, theatrical cut for The Return of Godzilla. To an unabashed geek such as myself, this was our equivalent to Chinese Democracy finally being released to the general public. Yes, it was depressing to hear that only ONE cut of this forgotten entry would be available for us fans to finally own again, but it was still shockingly exciting news, especially since I have grown and gained a great deal of respect for the original Japanese language audio. So, now that I have finished their decent-looking Blu-Ray of Return, what were my thoughts overall?


If you are going by "giant monster movie" standards, this particular picture doesn't do much to differentiate itself from the rest of the pack. Godzilla attacks buildings, fights tanks and fighter jets, picks up trains and discards them like a toddler who tires of his old toys (which felt like an homage to this film's thirty-year-old predecessor), and breathes his trademark atomic breath on the poor suckers who aren't smart or quick enough to run as far away as possible. Even his origin is just the same as it was in his original heyday, though Return disregards every other entry's existence save for the debut flick from 1954. Hell, the backstory on how Toho Studios tried several times to revive the King of the Monsters during his ten year hiatus from cinema could have made for a far more interesting final product. Some of these included American producer Henry G. Saperstein's idea of pitting the Big G against a variation of one of the titular creatures from Toho cult favorite (and previous Unseen Terror entry) War of the Gargantuas. When that fizzled out, Toho decided to remake the original film, only with Jun Fukuda (Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla, Godzilla vs. Gigan) sitting in the director's chair, rather than the more well-known and respected Ishiro Honda, who opted out of directing this revival due to his commitment on several Akira Kurosawa projects. Finally, it was decided that were the decision made to have Godzilla resurface on the big screen, he would face off with a larger threat, and it would be against a previously unseen force simply called "The Asuka Fortress." Though not much is known beyond that project's title, the image of a gigantic version of the NXT women's champion facing off against a radioactive dinosaur could make for silly fun in this day and age. And yet, when THAT didn't take off, the final idea presented was to have a newer entity, a sort of "combiner" kaiju that went by the name of Bagan, take him on. Suffice to say, none of these ended up going beyond the developmental and pre-production stages, and the latter monstrosity in particular has garnered himself quite a bit of fame over the decades as perhaps the most beloved unused Toho creature of all time, making appearances only in the realm of video games such as Super Godzilla and Godzilla Movie Studio Tour. I mean come on, the poor guy couldn't even make it into a Mothra-centric release!

"CAN ANYBODY FIND ME SOMEBODY TO LO-er, FIGHT?!"

The human cast is unfortunately hit or miss (Keiju Kobayashi as Japan's Prime Minister is arguably Return's best character), and even coming from someone who watches television programs such as The Walking Dead, I felt that I was being smothered by the amount of new people that were inserted into the plot throughout its decently-long running time (and with pro wrestling-style introductory captions popping up during said debuts). The motion picture boasts a rather impressive composition from the relatively unknown Reijiro Koroku, who does an adequate job of filling the legendary Akira Ifukube's shoes for the time being, as the veteran refused to return for a newer entry because he felt dissatisfied by the decision to increase Godzilla's size during his hibernation (a choice that was inevitable due to Tokyo's skyline growing that much larger over the course of ten years), and didn't want to write scores for "eighty-meter monsters." Luckily, the aforementioned replacement manages to conjure up pieces that are equal parts grandiose and quietly morbid. It is one of the more underrated aspects about a release that some will be catching just so they may see the spectacle of it all. And for those who will feel the opposite way about this or are offended by the man's absence: Akira-san returned to the franchise only seven years later. Leave your stupid comment in your pocket.


Some of what makes this particular film shine is also what hurts it in the end. While the overall design of this iteration of Godzilla, the first of the "Heisei" period, doesn't look terrible per se, there are a good number of close-up and "mug" shots that look almost comical. Yes, he looks pretty menacing when viewed from the side, and the decision to add tiny ears and sharper-looking teeth don't really hurt the aesthetic and overall presentation of the kaiju, a decent portion of the criticism stems from Toho's decision to construct a sixteen-foot robotic version of our colossal antagonist in addition to using the tried and true technique of having an actor parade around in a rubber suit (in this case, Gigan actor Kenpachiro Satsuma). Despite it costing nearly half a million dollars, there are times where it often looks and feels far too unrealistic (well, for this type of picture) for the viewer to feel threatened or frightened. Thankfully, the traditional portrayal of the titular creature in The Return of Godzilla makes up for these occasionally odd technical choices by having him act as mean as he possibly can. There are multiple scenes of the radioactive behemoth coming dangerously close to the civilians fleeing or hiding from him, and in several instances, his own path of destruction is demonstrated by scenes of innocents being crushed by rubble or even running around engulfed in flame. The only thing missing was a choir of girls singing out of fear and despair like in the original Gojira, but it's a minor complaint. He is a mean, primal, and occasionally simplistic animal that, simply put, can not be stopped or reasoned with, and by God(zilla), sometimes that is all that we fans need; a walking symbol of the reminders and horrors of nuclear warfare.


The Return of Godzilla does stumble in a few areas, and most of that is due to being a victim of having a smaller budget and the evolution of special effects work throughout the thirty-plus years since its initial release. However, the battles with the military and the spiffy Super X, a self-described "flying fortress" with cadmium missiles and special armor, are other highlights that are fine enough to make you forget about the occasionally confusing amount of human characters. The cold war tension, despite feeling a little dated, is actually handled fairly well and maturely as well, although I wish they had hired somebody without Grade Z-level acting to play the representative for the United States during his two moments on screen. It is certainly flawed, but even the weaker entries in this sixty-two yearlong franchise have a handful of good parts to them (yes, even Godzilla's Revenge). If you're a fan that ranges from "casual" to "obsessive," then I can't see a reason why you shouldn't finally add this one to your own personal collection. For the time being, The Return of Godzilla can be purchased via most online shopping services, and during the time that you are reading this, there is a strong chance that you can grab it for a meager ten dollars on Amazon like I did.



Or, you can grab several dozen hardcover books to read while you wait for 1985 to finally be released. Your loss.



Tomorrow, those darn monsters are sticking around and still causing trouble for the general populace, but this time, they're invading North Korea...

Unseen Terror 2014: Day 23

In New York City, a recent string of disappearances and murders, primarily comprised of derelicts, has many befuddled. While a police captain shows a personal interest in these incidents, and even goes so far as to recruit and seek information from the head of a local homeless shelter, a down and out photographer spends his time shooting the populace who reside underneath the bright lights and attractions. Though all of these men come from different sides of the spectrum, they all come to find out that the vanishings are connected with the Nuclear Regulatory Commission. Even worse, the NRC has hidden the existence of these true culprits: Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers. But to most, they will soon be known simply as C.H.U.D.

I am the furthest thing from a psychic, yet I know what some of my friends and/or acquaintances are thinking at this very moment. And before they ask "Why the hell haven't you seen this one until 2014," I'd like to say that you can chalk this one up to poor memory and poor timing. I had purchased the Anchor Bay DVD release of C.H.U.D. on a whim at least five years ago, but for some inexplicable reason, was never able to watch more than a good thirty or so minutes before something else would distract me. Giving into my own laziness, I decided that there was no better time than now, and finally popped this into the Blu-Ray player.

*ninety six minutes later*

….I don't even know how to possibly review a picture such as C.H.U.D, since it seems to rebel against all things involved with the process of making good motion pictures, but is also simultaneously so fervent and fierce about its content and story.

C.H.U.D. was initially released by the now-defunct New World Pictures, who you could always count on for delivering something worth remembering, be it good (The Brood, Piranha), great (Hellraiser, Heathers), or really, really silly (Death Race 2000, Flowers In The Attic). It also features a rather young-looking Daniel Stern (City Slickers) and John Heard (of Cat People and stalking-actress-Melissa-Leo-fame), with very early appearances from John Goodman and Jay Thomas as two chauvinistic police officers. They're all very fun to watch, and most of the cast in general are playing these roles with real conviction and honest-to-god earnestness, even if the latter two are basically only there for very bit parts and something to add to their acting resume. Stern himself is playing a lesser version of Richard Dreyfuss' character from Jaws, though his credentials are obviously nowhere near as legitimate. But….it's still a movie about ugly, mutated monsters that live in the sewer and eat people.

Speaking of those creatures, save for some very quick cuts, you don't see a great deal of them until when the seventy minute mark has hit. And yes, they look fairly dumb, with comparisons to The Toxic Avenger having sexual intercourse with the Henrietta deadite from Evil Dead II: Dead By Dawn not being too inaccurate. There is also a shocking lack of bloodshed (at least compared to what I've seen so far this year) and foul language for a flick like C.H.U.D., and had this been released in this day and age, there's the very slight possibility that it could have been given a PG-13 rating if they had made the call to cut out at least one or two shots of some severed heads. Don't get me wrong, I've said in the past that rating systems don't usually affect my overall enjoyment of any movie, but for such an absurd, yet fun concept, I was hoping for a tad bit more gruesomeness. It isn't completely bloodless though, and there is some nice practical effects and makeup on some of the poor souls killed by the beasts.

Hmm, maybe I did just review C.H.U.D. after all. It's about as dumb as someone would expect it to be, and the whole "rewritten script" controversy seems like a bit of bollocks (Stern and costar Chris Curry altered writer Parnell Hall's final draft, and chose to remain nameless about the whole thing). However, the whole film is just so wacky and bizarre (if not a bit slow) with how they chose to record and release it, and it does sport a pretty great third act that helps wrap things up in a typically-ludicrous manner while also saying to the audience "screw it, let's just say that nobody is safe now." It might be mostly crud, but C.H.U.D. is the….no, I am not closing with a pun that awful. Sorry. I still have some semblance of dignity.

You know, now that I think about it, something tells me that this could have very well been a prequel to Home Alone. The three performers billed near the top of its cast have all taken part in the series in some way shape or form, and the background for Daniel Stern's character isn't as thoroughly detailed as it could have been. Does this mean smartass Kevin McCallister and underground fuck-ugly, flesh-eating creatures exist in the same universe? Maybe C.H.U.D. II: Bud The C.H.U.D. will tell me those answers one day.

Tomorrow, I notice that we're about two months away from everyone's favorite and/or least favorite holiday, so I get in the spirit of Christmas Evil!