Unseen Terror 2018: Day 14

With Halloween approaching, young people should be preparing for a night of dressing up, candy, and all-around spooky fun. Well, except for teenagers Sarah, who is struggling to write an essay that will get her into Columbia University, and Sonny, who is dead set on completing the best project for science class that he can muster. During their free afternoons, Sonny and his best friend Sam run a junk collecting business, and receive a call one day from someone wanting them to clean out an abandoned house. After some digging around, they stumble upon a strange artifact: a locked manuscript for what appears to be an unfinished book. The two find the necessary key, and after opening the book, a ventriloquist's dummy suddenly appears behind them. They read from a note in his coat pocket, which brings the object known as "Slappy" to life. It isn't long before this wooden trickster is using his hidden magic to make inanimate objects sentient; intent on creating a terrorizing evening for the entire town. 

Back at the end of 2015's Unseen Terror, I skipped out on typing a full review for that year's October release Goosebumps. Based on the series of books written by R.L. Stine, they ate up a good chunk of my childhood, and along with random late night cinematc viewings on stations like the Sci-Fi Channel and Cinemax, I'd credit them for helping to get me into "adult" horror. Though I was incredibly nervous going in, I found the picture to be a very pleasant experience. Despite some issues here and there, it's chocked full of nods to the original novels, and serves as a nice introduction to scarier stories for modern day parents and their children. If you were hesitant to let your kids watch it, I'd say that now is a perfectly good time for them to dive right in.

I can't, however, echo those same bits of enthusiasm for its 2018 sequel.

Goosebumps 2: Haunted Halloween plays out more like the picture that I was afraid the first film would be. It suffers from a lack of almost anything interesting, and judging by the near-silence in the theater that I was in, won't likely please fans or non-fans. The main protagonists have no distinguishing personality traits, and considering how dull the script is, it's hard to blame any of these performers for not being able to do a better job. Cast-wise there are a few recognizable faces that pop up, including Saturday Night Live and 30 Rock alum Chris Parnell and Community's Ken Jeong. Their presence is appreciated, but their screen time is so limited that the comedic talent that we fully know they possess is completely squandered. Even Jack Black, whose surprise appearance was spoiled thanks to newer television spots and trailers, is in the film for a little under five minutes and serves no purpose. And yes, I'm aware that the heroes of the first movie weren't exactly the most well-developed either, but they were working with stronger material and the energy of Black and his colleagues rubbed off on them. This time around, the only big name that these teens hope to have chemistry with is a dummy doing a very poor impersonation of Mark Hamill's Joker.

On the technical side of things, Goosebumps 2 doesn't look completely terrible, but it gives off a very straight-to-video or "made for TV sequel" vibe. There is some very wonky camera work, and the editing leaves you wondering if the people who put together the final product just kind of mixed up what scenes they wanted to be cut. If you're looking for monsters though, those folks behind the scenes certainly wanted to deliver them in droves. Yes, the sight of a gigantic spider made entirely out of balloons is rather cool, as is a cute sequence involving rabid gummy bears, but my god, nothing feels that special when you just throw about twenty different creations into the span of two minutes. Fans of the source material may have fun trying to pick out what some of these beasts are a reference to (any kid who understands Black's joke about Stephen King's It may need better parenting), but it was more entertaining to do with its predecessor. All of that brings me to something which can likely make or break this sequel for the audience: Slappy. While he was definitely important to the plot of the first Goosebumps, he didn't make a full appearance until after a certain amount of time had passed. This time around, he's (re)introduced within the first ten minutes or so, and they feel the need to suffocate us with his presence. His one-liners, quips, and actions towards others seem less amusing this time around. So much so that even the multiple families who I saw this with laughed approximately twice during its running time, no matter what the joke was or who was delivering it. To quote the late, great Gene Siskel and Roger Ebert: You know that you're in trouble when you have to "drop trou" in order to get a laugh.

I've seen several films during this year's marathon that took me by surprise, but until now, none that had been a massive disappointment. Goosebumps 2: Haunted Halloween is riddled with too many clichés, too many dull characters, and just a lack of effort to make something truly special for your kids. If your child still hasn't seen the first motion picture, they are far better off sitting through that than this pile of rotting pumpkins. If they've already sat through that one, sit down with them and watch something nostalgic from prior decades, such as The Monster Squad, Gremlins, or even The Gate. Because despite my disinterest in having children of my own, I firmly believe that your offspring deserve better.

Tomorrow, it's time to put the youngins' to bed, because Tobe Hooper is exploding back onto the marathon!

Unseen Terror 2015: Day 17

The year is 1851. Having been ousted from their hostel due to a minor dispute over money, the infamous Elvira and her servant Zou Zou are left without any means of transport in which to travel to Paris, France for a rather fun can-can dance. They don't have to wait long, however, when the elegant and slightly mysterious Dr. Bradley arrives in a stage coach, and he brings the women to a castle in the mountains that is stationed far above from where they were initially staying. After making themselves acquainted with the residents and inhabitants, they meet the owner of the estate, who swears that our busty protagonist seems to resemble his long-deceased wife, and this case of a possibly mistaken identity leads to a series of strange, unexpected events that may span many years.



I remember virtually nothing about my viewing of Elvira: Mistress Of The Dark. Heck, I don't even recall what I said in the review, be it positive or negative, and this was only four years ago! Much to my surprise, I discovered that the most buxom icon in all of horror did in fact have another feature length film to her name, although unlike its predecessor, this one went straight to the home video market instead of the theatrical circuit. Perhaps the possibility exists that audiences of the early 2000s had forgotten who Cassandra Peterson's horror hostess even was.


Then again, given how incredibly stupid and silly Elvira's Haunted Hills is, the demand could have died down just as quickly as it had started anew. I'll give Peterson (who also cowrote the picture) credit for knowing her audience though: they set to make Hills as blatantly and obviously cheesy as they could with the budget that came out of her own pocket. Yes, you read that right. Given that the woman herself thought that a new Elvira production would never be financed, she threw in a million dollars out of her bank account, ensuring that her fans would somehow see a new flick, no matter how or when. That is certainly admirable, and a great sign of a human being who loves and respects the people that helped make them famous in the first place. It also says a lot about Peterson when she's willing to write and participate in a gag where she eats out of a chamber pot....okay, I probably shouldn't have brought that up. Let's move on, shall we?


There are quite a few moments of intentional nonsense that work well to please older fans of horror. My personal favorite came from her infatuation with the castle's stable boy Adrian, portrayed (though not voiced) by Gabriel Andronache. Keeping with the ties and tributes to pictures that Peterson herself no doubt grew up watching, his entire dialogue is dubbed over by noted voiceover artist Rob Paulsen (Pinky and The Brain, Rick and Morty), who himself understands a fanbase perfectly, and can fit in to nearly every situation and scenario provided for him. If that doesn't sound even slightly amusing to you, I would recommend that you watch more older pieces of cinema in order to fully grip this homage. If I can be quite blunt, the over-the-top campiness of every performance in the picture seems to be deliberate, and that could either make or break a majority of your final opinion on the film as a while.


Me though? Well, I did appreciate the obvious nods to assorted projects from throughout the 1960s, which only encompassed a small fraction of the types of pictures that the madam became popular for riffing and commentating on. I also giggled at the occasional moment whenever Elvira herself would break the fourth wall. Plus, for a woman who was nearly fifty years old at the time (and is fourteen years older at the time of this review), Peterson still has some wily, quirky, and amusing perks that have definitely earned her a spot in the hearts of many oddball men and women who attend the convention circuit on a regular basis. But is Elvira's Haunted Hills a good movie? Well, no. Not at all. And yet, as somewhat hypocritical as this may sound, its mediocrity that borders on flat-out embarrassment keeps it afloat and watchable for most of the ninety minute running time. If you're up to spending a meager two dollars (I'll beat you to posting THIS clip), you can stream it over on Amazon Prime, or purchase it online for only a few more additional bucks. Just be aware of what you're getting into, since those with less patience may find themselves pulling out their hair.



But if that's getting you down, just stare at her chest and try to cheer up. As I stated above, she knows her audience and doesn't seem to mind.



Tomorrow, the late, great Wes Craven makes his first appearance on this year's iteration of Unseen Terror. Well, sort of....

A Haunted House (2013) Review

In August 2012, a young, happy couple named Malcolm and Kisha move into their new home. Not long after moving in, peculiar things start to happen around the house, convincing the two that their new abode is haunted by an evil spirit. Over the course of a month, Kisha becomes possessed, and Malcolm must consult the help of a priest, a psychic, and a duo of ghost hunters if he hopes to ever have any semblance of an ordinary life, and if he ever wants to see his girlfriend returned to normal.


I knew this was eventually going to happen. No, I don't mean watching another modern parody/satire film, but watching this specific flick from back in January. I tried my best to avoid it, but a nightly perusing through Netflix helped me find out this one had made its way into most homes for the viewing, whether they wanted it to or not. I will give director Michael Tiddes' major motion picture debut credit for one thing: it is above and beyond anything put out by the likes of Seltzer and Friedberg. Then again, that's like saying that the days-old Chinese food you got from the buffet didn't end up giving you diarrhea until only three days later.


Speaking of those two hacks mentioned above, they also happened to be two of the six writers of the first entry in the Scary Movie franchise, which co-starred actor Marlon Wayans. Wayans is the lead actor this time around, and like that film, co-wrote the script here. As most of us have come to discover, a lone Wayans brother is a sad, sad creature. True, he did end up giving us a great performance in Requiem For A Dream, but there is a clear difference between Darren Aronofsky and the man who directed an episode of the Fred television series. But let's get into the quality of A Haunted House before I forget, which may be easier to do than I imagined. The first five minutes are the right kind of stupid, based around a gag with overreacting to a dead dog. Wayans' character isn't exactly likable, but he does deliver nearly ninety percent of the best jokes, or at least what constitutes as jokes in this release (the other ten percent belonging to a sadly underused J.B. Smoove). Unfortunately, the ratio of bad jokes to good jokes is a bit on the horrifying side.


I'm shocked that Wayans himself would be so lazy as to make poor imitations of characters from the franchise he was previously a star in and hope that nobody would notice. Nearly everybody feels like the RC Cola equivalent of a Scary Movie character (one character in particular looks like Milton from Office Space if he had liposuction, but acts eerily similar to "Doofy" from that franchise's first entry). I don't recall seeing Essence Atkins in anything prior to this, but good lord did they want her to be Regina Hall. I'm honestly shocked they didn't name her "Brenda" or anything that rhymes with it. And then there's the supporting cast. I could individually dissect everybody's wasted talents here, but that idea went flying out of the window when Nick Swardson walked into the movie. His portrayal of a homosexual psychic is offensively bad, and while I hate to bash a man who seemed like a rather fun fellow based on his appearance on The Joe Rogan Experience podcast, this is further cementing my opinion that this man just isn't funny in any film he's cast in. I get way too much of a Rob Schneider-meets-Pauly Shore vibe every time he comes on screen, except he's arguably worse than both of those two when it comes to choosing projects.


If the best your parody can offer is outdated and tired fart, race, and gay jokes, maybe it'd be for the best that you don't bother going forward with the project. Other films like Edgar Wright's "Cornetto Trilogy," Walk Hard, and even the previous vulgar efforts from sibling Keenan Ivory Wayans are vastly superior to this borefest, as are the classic films from Mel Brooks and The Naked Gun movies. True, it didn't bore or enrage me nearly as much as Paranormal Activity or The Devil Inside, the two films mostly parodied here did, but making the choice for the lesser of two evils still means you're choosing evil.


And besides, surely there are better, superior, and more intelligently-written parodies of Paranormal Activity out there, right?


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Right?