With Halloween approaching, young people should be preparing for a night of dressing up, candy, and all-around spooky fun. Well, except for teenagers Sarah, who is struggling to write an essay that will get her into Columbia University, and Sonny, who is dead set on completing the best project for science class that he can muster. During their free afternoons, Sonny and his best friend Sam run a junk collecting business, and receive a call one day from someone wanting them to clean out an abandoned house. After some digging around, they stumble upon a strange artifact: a locked manuscript for what appears to be an unfinished book. The two find the necessary key, and after opening the book, a ventriloquist's dummy suddenly appears behind them. They read from a note in his coat pocket, which brings the object known as "Slappy" to life. It isn't long before this wooden trickster is using his hidden magic to make inanimate objects sentient; intent on creating a terrorizing evening for the entire town.
Back at the end of 2015's Unseen Terror, I skipped out on typing a full review for that year's October release Goosebumps. Based on the series of books written by R.L. Stine, they ate up a good chunk of my childhood, and along with random late night cinematc viewings on stations like the Sci-Fi Channel and Cinemax, I'd credit them for helping to get me into "adult" horror. Though I was incredibly nervous going in, I found the picture to be a very pleasant experience. Despite some issues here and there, it's chocked full of nods to the original novels, and serves as a nice introduction to scarier stories for modern day parents and their children. If you were hesitant to let your kids watch it, I'd say that now is a perfectly good time for them to dive right in.
I can't, however, echo those same bits of enthusiasm for its 2018 sequel.
Goosebumps 2: Haunted Halloween plays out more like the picture that I was afraid the first film would be. It suffers from a lack of almost anything interesting, and judging by the near-silence in the theater that I was in, won't likely please fans or non-fans. The main protagonists have no distinguishing personality traits, and considering how dull the script is, it's hard to blame any of these performers for not being able to do a better job. Cast-wise there are a few recognizable faces that pop up, including Saturday Night Live and 30 Rock alum Chris Parnell and Community's Ken Jeong. Their presence is appreciated, but their screen time is so limited that the comedic talent that we fully know they possess is completely squandered. Even Jack Black, whose surprise appearance was spoiled thanks to newer television spots and trailers, is in the film for a little under five minutes and serves no purpose. And yes, I'm aware that the heroes of the first movie weren't exactly the most well-developed either, but they were working with stronger material and the energy of Black and his colleagues rubbed off on them. This time around, the only big name that these teens hope to have chemistry with is a dummy doing a very poor impersonation of Mark Hamill's Joker.
On the technical side of things, Goosebumps 2 doesn't look completely terrible, but it gives off a very straight-to-video or "made for TV sequel" vibe. There is some very wonky camera work, and the editing leaves you wondering if the people who put together the final product just kind of mixed up what scenes they wanted to be cut. If you're looking for monsters though, those folks behind the scenes certainly wanted to deliver them in droves. Yes, the sight of a gigantic spider made entirely out of balloons is rather cool, as is a cute sequence involving rabid gummy bears, but my god, nothing feels that special when you just throw about twenty different creations into the span of two minutes. Fans of the source material may have fun trying to pick out what some of these beasts are a reference to (any kid who understands Black's joke about Stephen King's It may need better parenting), but it was more entertaining to do with its predecessor. All of that brings me to something which can likely make or break this sequel for the audience: Slappy. While he was definitely important to the plot of the first Goosebumps, he didn't make a full appearance until after a certain amount of time had passed. This time around, he's (re)introduced within the first ten minutes or so, and they feel the need to suffocate us with his presence. His one-liners, quips, and actions towards others seem less amusing this time around. So much so that even the multiple families who I saw this with laughed approximately twice during its running time, no matter what the joke was or who was delivering it. To quote the late, great Gene Siskel and Roger Ebert: You know that you're in trouble when you have to "drop trou" in order to get a laugh.
I've seen several films during this year's marathon that took me by surprise, but until now, none that had been a massive disappointment. Goosebumps 2: Haunted Halloween is riddled with too many clichés, too many dull characters, and just a lack of effort to make something truly special for your kids. If your child still hasn't seen the first motion picture, they are far better off sitting through that than this pile of rotting pumpkins. If they've already sat through that one, sit down with them and watch something nostalgic from prior decades, such as The Monster Squad, Gremlins, or even The Gate. Because despite my disinterest in having children of my own, I firmly believe that your offspring deserve better.
Tomorrow, it's time to put the youngins' to bed, because Tobe Hooper is exploding back onto the marathon!
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