Searching for a potential roommate, college standout and all-around nerd Alistair McDowell believes that he finally has the offer and situation that he has been looking for. For a mere forty dollars a month, he finds refuge with several young men, but is quite surprised when he discovers that his new companions partake in smoking cannabis on a fairly frequent basis. Though he won't join in on the activity himself, he is present to their curiosity being piqued by a placed ad that advertises the sale of a rather large bong, which the previous owner claims is possessed. Far from deterred, Alistair's bedfellows receive the accessory in the mail, but after watching them take several hits, the geeky student begins to notice several things about this new purchase. For starters, it steals the souls of all who inhale from it. Even stranger, its base seems to change with every new victim being claimed.
I'm not going to lie here folks. When it comes to assembling this yearly marathon, I always run into the occasional roadblock. In this case, when I had to choose a different movie for every year that represented a full 365 days of being alive, 2006 was pure hell for me. Yes, I'm aware that we had awesome flicks like Behind The Mask: The Rise Of Leslie Vernon, Slither, The Host, and Fido. And yet, for every four films that turned out to be pretty rad, we had a swarm of releases that ranged from relatively average (Silent Hill, Final Destination 3) to wholly abysmal (The Omen, The Wicker Man). So what in the hell made me choose Full Moon Features' newest attempt at creating yet another franchise for the easily amused, the bluntly (ugh) titled Evil Bong?
Because I had already seen the titles listed above you clouds of fuck dust, that's why. You're all so silly.
Let us move on to the goods itself, yes? For starters, Evil Bong's acting is....well....acting I suppose. I would imagine that most of the cast knows that by putting flicks like this on their resumes, it most likely relegates them to the land of schlock cinema, but if I had the opportunity to partake in any Full Moon production myself, I'd probably take it in a heartbeat. David Weidoff (ABC Family's Roommates) makes for a pretty good straight-laced protagonist, although his uncanny resemblance to internet celebrity James Rolfe, a.k.a. The Angry Video Game Nerd, makes the experience that much more bizarre. The only real familiar faces that show up in Evil Bong are Tommy Chong (Up In Smoke, That '70s Show) and horror icon Bill Mosley (The Devil's Rejects, Carnivale), though the latter's role feels more akin to a cameo that one does during a day off from shooting something of a larger scale. What doesn't feel like a glorified brief appearance, however, is a merry gang of creations of Charles Band and his friends showing up in the bong's paradise, where beings like The Gingerdead Man (from the series of the same name), Jack Deth (Trancers), and Jack Attack (Demonic Toys) seem to be basking in the warmth of the greatest strip club on earth. I can't quite grasp the fact that there's a shared universe from the same company that released the Puppet Master franchise, and that it actually predates the widely popular Marvel Cinematic Universe. If you're still with me after those two sentences, thank you.
In terms of what helps Evil Bong keep its glorified B-movie tag (other than the blatant title), that comes down to a handful of tired and true wonders. There is an ample amount of nudity, though some of it does get repetitive when you see our stoner heroes enter the same dreamlike area repeatedly. A lot of the pot humor does tend to range in terms of writing, but I was shocked (and a wee bit disappointed) by how many chuckles I did manage to elicit during the eighty minute running time. Sadly, the film does begin to lull a bit towards the middle, and as fun as the part of one character's sleazy, dickhead grandfather is, it felt like a somewhat cheap attempt at ensuring that the viewers (who will no doubt be high themselves) don't tune in and out. Regardless, it sure beats a lot of other stoner-comedies that were being exhaled by studios from around that time period, and I'd rather sit through Evil Bong again than a dud like Strange Wilderness. In terms of stoner-horror-comedies though, the only ones I can think of that counts as competition is the previously-reviewed Idle Hands, though comparing a theatrical release with a budget of twenty five million dollars to a Full Moon Features production is like comparing a Duclaw Porter to a case of Miller High Life.
If you're expecting genuine scares and something that will change the game, then you're clearly forgetting that you're watching a movie called Evil Bong. It's a gigantic pile of idiocy that does a swell job at disguising itself as a motion picture, but god bless the thing for clearly not giving a damn about this fact. For some of the flack that I have given Full Moon head Charles Band, he does share a lot in common with another B-movie giant in the realm of horror. That person would be Mr. Lloyd Kaufman, co-founder of Troma Entertainment and purveyor of all things camp. Both men are fully aware that the quality of pictures that they put out are never going to be up for any major award, but they honestly love their dedicated fanbase and give them exactly what they demand on a daily basis. In the case of Evil Bong, it's pure cheese and it revels in it. If you believe that you can enjoy the smell of this particular brand of smoke, Evil Bong is available to rent on Time Warner Cable's On-Demand service for $2.99 (though be wary of bad connections with your cable box), and can be purchased through Full Moon's own website for $6.66.
No, I'm serious! Look!
To quote Canadian professional wrestler Lance Storm, tomorrow we're going to get serious for a minute. Besides, transitioning from a movie about a cursed smoking device into a movie about transmissions that drive people made is pretty logical, right?
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