Defense attorney Jennifer Garrick is working on a case where she believes that her client, a supposed child murderer in jail for the death of his own son, is innocent, and should not be sitting on death row. Despite her best efforts, the man is sentenced to die in the electric chair. Days before the execution takes place, a fellow lawyer presents her with a large, wooden Pinocchio doll that was confiscated from the crime scene, supposedly as the favorite toy of the killer's child. Before it can be locked away as evidence, Jennifer's daughter Zoe, an emotionally delicate girl who has to make frequent trips to a therapist, claims it as her own. She develops a strong bond to her new friend, and it isn't before long that those who Zoe dislikes, be it school bullies or unwanted acquaintances of the family, start getting hurt.
Right before I entered my teenage years, I vaguely recall seeing the trailer to another straight-to-video movie that was brilliantly (or stupidly) titled Pinocchio's Revenge. Where I had seen it I can not recall. Perhaps it was during a random episode of Monday Night Raw? Or maybe it was when I rented another, better motion picture from Blockbuster Video? Or maybe......you know what? No. This festering, smelly pile of excrement that's trying to disguise itself as another entry in the "killer doll" field doesn't deserve a legitimate, sophisticated review. Not today, not tomorrow, not ever. In fact, if I can be perfectly honest with you, the entire reason as to why Pinocchio's Revenge was my pick for the 1996 "day" of Unseen Terror was because there were very few (if any) alternate titles that I could have picked for first time viewings. Don't believe me? Here are some (but not all) of the other options:
Scream
From Dusk Till Dawn
The Craft
Thinner
Tremors 2: Aftershocks
The Frighteners
Trilogy Of Terror II
Hellraiser: Bloodline
Jack Frost
"But Ryan, so what if you've watched them before? Do you have against those particular films?" Oh, I most assuredly don't. In fact, save for the latter two pictures (which are, to put it lightly, turkeys through and through), they're all more watchable and immensely enjoyable than Pinocchio's Revenge. And despite my shellacking that I dished out for that pitiful excuse for a horror movie about a killer snowman, it almost made an attempt to take a fairly original idea and do the best it could to appeal to its very niche audience.
If you're looking for a similarly good idea in Pinocchio's Revenge, you may be in for a treat. Just be sure that you've never Psycho. Or that you are not a well-versed and educated fan of the first installment of the Child's Play franchise. The latter in particular seems to be a source of most of the material's inspiration, though with how abnormally tall the titular toy is in this feature, you'd wonder if they were just too lazy to hire an actual puppeteer or crew member to help make it look realistic. And by realistic, I mean not like a small, height-challeneged human being. This gross and disappointing use of low-budget effects is all the more perplexing when you see that it was written and directed by Kevin S. Tenney, who previously headed 1988's Night Of The Demons. Then again, Night also had a certain charm and a great amount of people working in the special effects and makeup departments that helped hide its meager budget. Still, I'll give Revenge credit for one tiny shining moment: actress Brittany Smith is surprisingly good as the young girl who seems to share a special bond with her wooden friend.........and that came out much worse than I thought it would.
With a criminally low body count, a sluggish pace, and an outcome that is equal parts predictable and contradicting, Pinocchio's Revenge is just kind of....well, lousy. Unless the threat of genital torture is high, I don't foresee myself ever wanting to revisit this one while I have access to a television, the internet, or a keyboard. Should you feel up to hurting your own brain, the film is available to purchase on DVD for a shockingly low amount of money.
Then again, you can also use that handful of change or singles to buy fast food for dinner. There's a likely outcome that a volcano taco or black bun whopper would go down better anyway, and the aftermath would also smell better.
Tomorrow, I complete a trilogy to something that I've discussed FAR too much of in 2015. Perhaps, if there is extra time, I may also venture into a three-dimensional object that can serve as nightmare fuel...
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